AlterniaFM


25/11/14
"==>"

Islator says as much as he likes small talk, he's on the clock. Who wants to go first?

25/11/14
"==>"

The TRUST member introduces himself as ISLATOR.
You say you've never heard of an Islator before.
Islator says it's a new thing, just created recently. Translates roughly to "one who slaughters LAWSHARKS".
Burglar asks if that's a common problem.
Islator says it won't be.

25/11/14
"==>"

The member of the TRUST arrives in a flash of RED TAPE.

25/11/14
"==>"

Burglar asks what about you. Are you splitting?
You say no. You plan on spending as much time as you can afford and on listening carefully to every word their representative says, because it can and will be used against them.

25/11/14
"==>"

You take a moment to ponder this information, and then ask them the same question again. Are they staying?
Doorman says of course he is. There's no point trying to outrun a shadow, especially not when it consists of those willing to go far beyond "good job" at this place.
Burglar says he figures that just because they're secretive doesn't make them backstabbers. A name like the TRUST implies a certain level of trustworthiness. Besides, he appreciates their hospitality.
Doorman says wasn't Burglar insulting their recruitment techniques just minutes ago?
Burglar yeah, but that was before he saw the results. Everybody knows foresight is bunk, hindsight is what actually matters.

25/11/14
"==>"

Doorman says oh, right, he gets those words confused sometimes. The FACILITY TERMINOLOGY OF DICTION is as counter-intuitive as you'd expect.
Burglar says that makes a lot of intuitive sense.
You ask why would the TRUST hide themselves? Wouldn't it be safer to show off their rank and get proper protection for themselves?
Doorman says you can't cut off a head if it doesn't exist.

25/11/14
"==>"

Doorman explains the TRUST is the group that runs the FACILITY.
You say you know that. But when your TEAM was scouting for info, they couldn't find any information on them, or offices or records of their existence.
Doorman says that's the point. They keep themselves hidden as ordinary employees at all times, indistinguishable from the common worker. Their mission statement is that the entire FACILITY should be held to the same standards, including the standards one would follow around the elite. It helps morale.
Burglar says he thought paranoia was the opposite of morale.

25/11/14
"Ask Burglar & Doorman for their opinions, maybe if they prove useful enough you can make them your Minions. Or better yet an Igor, every mad scientist worth their salt has an Igor."

You like to think that Backpacker is your IGOR. He fills the hunched back requirement anyway. Couldn't hurt getting another one, or at least some minions while you're cut off from the rest of the TEAM.

You ask your companions what their thoughts are.
Doorman says on robot and robot accessories? Tacky and inelegant.
Burglar says he supposes if he went for a more metal look he could probably pass for a robot.
You say about whether they plan on escaping or sticking around for the TRUST.
Burglar says he doesn't even know what the TRUST is. He guesses they're kind of a big deal?
You say you're actually not sure either. To be honest you weren't entirely sure that they even existed.
Doorman asks why the two of you would try to BREAK-IN here without understanding how the hierarchy of the FACILITY works.

25/11/14
"==>"

COMBUSTION is your favorite OBSERVATION. It's proven itself to be worth its weight in OXYGEN.

Burglar asks why you had to blow up the help. Did you get a look at that MUSHROOM on its head? Burglar says he knows a few MYCOLOGISTS on the MUSHROOM BLACK MARKET who would be willing to drop some serious MOOLAH for it.
Doorman asks if Burglar meant the HAT.
Burglar asks why the hell would a robot wear clothes.
Doorman asks why would it wear a MUSHROOM.
Burglar asks how he should know. Does he look like a robot?

The sound of inane bickering makes you feel right at home.

25/11/14
"==>"

... Botender goes.

25/11/14
"Just blow it up already. Actually kick the bot onto it first."

You say you'll stay...

25/11/14
"OBSERVE Botender for robotic principles"

You thoroughly ANALYZE Botender, and OBSERVE the THREE LAWS OF ALCOBOTICS:

1. A BOTENDER MAY NOT LET A HUMAN BE THIRSTY, OR, THROUGH INACTION, ALLOW A HUMAN BEING TO COME TO SOBRIETY.
2. A BOTENDER MUST OBEY THE ORDERS GIVEN TO IT BY HUMAN BEINGS, EXCEPT WHERE SUCH ORDERS WOULD NOT BE COVERED BY CURRENCY.
3. A BOTENDER MUST PROTECT ITS OWN EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF THE GLORIOUS ROBOTKIND SO LONG AS SUCH PROTECTION DOES NOT CONFLICT WITH THE FIRST LAW. THE SECOND LAW IS ON IT'S OWN.

Botender asks whether you've decided to stay.

25/11/14
"OBSERVE Burglar for EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL pockets"

What's the point of EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL pockets? You already have an INVENTORY!

25/11/14
"==>"

You ask why the TRUST is sending one of their own.
Botender says it was never given that information, only that you were to be kept here comfortably until the meeting.

You hesitate. You and the TEAM heard rumors about the TRUST, but only the rumors. The original plan was to carry out the HEIST before they could interfere, but that might not be possible anymore since it looks like they already know you're here. On the plus side, it looks like they aren't interested in immediately killing you, so staying put might not be immediate suicide. Just very likely suicide.

If you want a decent headstart, you need to decide now whether you're staying or leaving.

25/11/14
"==>"

Botender says it detects a potential fire hazard.
Doorman asks what, the sealed off entrance?
Burglar says he's sure it's okay to use a fire to blow up a fire hazard.
Botender requests that you reconsider and be patient. A member of the TRUST will be arriving in just a few minutes to hear your concerns.

25/11/14
"==>"

Doorman asks if you've even got a light.
You say SCIENCE is your light.
Burglar asks if you even know what SCIENCE is, because he's pretty sure it isn't spouting off dramatic one-liners.

25/11/14
"==>"

You explain that you want to keep the two of them in good health. Good company is the best preparation for the unknown.

25/11/14
"==>"

You tell Burglar that he should keep his hands off if he intends on keeping them.
Burglar asks if that's a threat.
You say no, just a safety tip.

25/11/14
"==>"

Botender asks if there's anything else you might need. Perhaps a tray?

You say you're fine.

25/11/14
"==>"

Botender complies.

25/11/14
"Science up an alcoholic explosion to make a door"

Now that you can do. You ask Botender for as much alcohol as you can carry.

25/11/14
"Use Science to make a TELEPAD"

You don't know how to build a TELEPAD! You've never seen anybody teleport instantly, so you have no idea what process you'd be emulating. The first step of SCIENCE is OBSERVATION, and from there you can extrapolate objective principles and utilize them yourself.

You're just going to have to make do with what you have.

25/11/14
"==>"

Doorman says then you can try to escape from a room with no entrance.

25/11/14
"==>"

You say progress never waits. What else?

25/11/14
"==>"

Doorman says you can wait.

25/11/14
"==>"

You interrupt and ask what you can do.

25/11/14
"==>"

Doorman asks if there's a better place to talk somebody into doing something against their best interest.
Burglar says how about taking somebody out to the desert, putting a gun to their head and making them dig a grave?

25/11/14
"==>"

You say a theory's better than nothing. What's Doorman got?
Doorman says that none of you are in danger, and that none of you are going to be harmed. They think that you all are somehow useful and have just been temporarily set aside until called upon.
Burglar says yes, because when he wants to recruit someone to his cause, he makes sure to club them unconscious before dragging them back to his alcoholic den of overindulgence.

25/11/14
"==>"

The DOORMAN says that Burglar has no idea how he got here either.
You ask Doorman the same question.
Doorman says a STATUE got him.
Burglar says Doorman's got to learn to leave that part out. It's the weakest part of an already weak theory.

25/11/14
"==>"

You ask if Burglar remembers how he got here, or any details at all.
Burglar laughs. As if he would rat himself out.

25/11/14
"==>"

Burglar asks what that's got to do with anything.

25/11/14
"==>"

You say that he's remarkably sober.

25/11/14
"==>"

You tell Burglar to estimate.
Burglar guesses he's been putting them away for about five hours now.

25/11/14
"Ask nearby patrons to bring you up to speed"

You turn to ask the nearest patron about what's going on, but before you get the chance the BURGLAR asks if the floor was comfortable. He might end up sleeping there later.
You ask how long you've been out.
Burglar says he's lost track of time because of all the free drinks.

25/11/14
"==>"

You take a sip and your headache vanishes. That's better.

An alarm goes off in your head: something in the FACILITY just worked in a user-friendly, convenient manner. This place is sinister.

25/11/14
"==>"

You ask how much would some ANTI-ALCOHOL cost.
Botender says nothing. All refreshments at welcome are free.
You say that's a strange business model.
Botender says WELCOME is not a business. It is a gift.

25/11/14
"Order a drink with negative alcohol to remove your headache"

The BOTENDER greets you and asks how it may be of assistance.
You ask where you are.
Botender says welcome.
You say yes, welcome to where?
Botender says welcome.

This seems promising.

25/11/14
"==>"

Why is there a BAR in the FACILITY? And where's the rest of your TEAM? And why do you still have a headache?

25/11/14
"==>"

Or at least you used to be. Your TEAM refers to you as SCIENTIST ever since a recent SPLICING incident with Custodian. He got your RAGE, and you got his... you're actually not sure yet. His quiet passion for tidiness?

You're a master of all things SCIENTIFIC, a field distinguished as everything that isn't ART. A nebulous distinction, and one ultimately useless much like ART itself. When was the last time a painting pasteurized milk? Yeah, you thought so.

Besides, there are more interesting questions at hand.

25/11/14
"==>"

You remember how to open your eyes. You also remember who you are.

You are a brilliant MAD SCIENTIST.

25/11/14
"==>"

That's it, you remember now.

25/11/14
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 2.

You must have hit your head on something pretty fierce in here. Not a surprise, because of how dark it is. You try to recall where exactly you are. You remember you and your TEAM starting a big HEIST that you were all super pumped for, but everything beyond that gets fuzzy and the darkness starts spinning.

Okay, better to start from the basic details you can remember, and then work your way up.

Details such as, who are you?

25/11/14
"==>"

Comedian yells that Cartographer does realize they'll have to deal with those assholes eventually, right? Why not just do it now and get it over with?
Diver breathes in agreement.
Cartographer says the two of them told him that Lawyer and Trumpeter had mentioned that there were six members in the TEAM.
Comedian yells so?
Cartographer says they've only met five members. He is unwilling to force an engagement based on incomplete tactical information.
Comedian asks how much is enough info for Cartographer before he does something.
Cartographer says we wait until we find out who this sixth member of the TEAM is, and see exactly what they're capable of.
Comedian says well who the hell knows how long that's going to take.

25/11/14
"==>"

You ask how many they even have.
Comedian tells you to mind your own damn business, they're discussing private matters such as beating you senseless.
Cartographer says that's enough.

25/11/14
"==>"

Comedian yells what?
Cartographer says security is escalating in the FACILITY, there's no time to waste on petty combats.
Comedian says but they probably have HELMETS!
Cartographer says so? The GUILD won't need any more for hours, and there are more pressing matters.

25/11/14
"==>"

Diver takes a breath out of the AIR TANK and nods in approval.
You say you have two full tanks you're willing to part with.
Cartographer says that's more than acceptable. Consider it a deal. If you follow this hole in the wall it will eventually lead to the main hall of the sector. You should be able to find your way out from there.

25/11/14
"Offer to create them the finest air"

You ask if they still wanted those tanks of AIR in exchange for breaking you out of this room.
Diver breathes at you curiously.
You say what?
Comedian says Diver wants a sample.

25/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer asks like what.
Chef says he can't say due to a lack of Cartographer's current awareness.
Cartographer glares at Chef. You better do something before the silence evolves past awkward and into aggressive.

25/11/14
"==>"

Chef says you're the TEAM, and you're here to break in.
Custodian says and to get money.
You say as much as you can carry.
Cartographer asks how you plan on getting money. The FACILITY operates exclusively on an internal currency that's valueless to the outside world.
Chef says by stealing stuff of course. He asks if Cartographer has seen some of the ridiculous pieces of technology in this place. Does he have any idea how much demand there is for some of the pieces deeper in the FACILITY?

25/11/14
"==>"

Custodian asks what the hell that's supposed to mean.
Cartographer says that the explanation is going to raise more questions due to your current state of awareness. He'll explain later, when you're all able to see a little clearer.
Comedian says he's on Cartographer's side and that answer still pisses him off.
Cartographer ignores Comedian and says now its your turn. Same questions.

25/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer asks what your name is.
You say Backpacker.
Cartographer says that's your job. What's your name?
You pause, and say you don't understand the question.
Cartographer says that's what they're here to fix.

25/11/14
"Say you'll explain your side of the story if they explain theirs."

You tell Cartographer that he's one to demand explanations. You were told members of the FACILITY SECURITY FORCE were on their way to rescue you. You'll be honest if Cartographer is first.
Cartographer says that is a reasonable grievance, and asks what you'd like to know.
You ask who they are and why they're here.
Cartographer says they are the GUILD, and they are here to save the world.
You ask from what?

25/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer tells Comedian to settle down, then politely demands an explanation from the rest of you.

25/11/14
"==>"

Comedian looks at you like he's just seen a yeti and yells wait a minute, it's that BACKPACKER those two assholes from the COOLING REACTOR ZONE were talking about! These guys are part of the TEAM!

25/11/14
"==>"

The COMEDIAN says so a Cartographer, a Comedian and a Diver all walk into a room.
The DIVER breathes irritatedly at Comedian.
The CARTOGRAPHER asks which of you three is Hat Salesmen.

25/11/14
"==>"

He's technically correct.

25/11/14
"==>"

You say how about the heaviest thing in the room.
Custodian says oh, that'll work. There's no way anybody's getting through you.

25/11/14
"==>"

Custodian says he's got a few ARM BOOMERANGS still. If you gave him a couple of minutes he could whip something up.
Chef says okay, and how about something that won't make us appear to be complete psychos.
Custodian says they're expecting Hat Salesmen, what could be crazier than that?
Chef asks if that's a rhetorical question, cause otherwise there's a bigass list of things he could name.

25/11/14
"Barricade the door."

You explain to the others that you think it might be a good idea to barricade the door.
Chef asks if you honestly buy the crap Aviator was spewing.
You say that it couldn't hurt to take precautions. If whoever Custodian was talking to is coming to help, they won't mind if the door is barricaded. You could just claim it was taking additional security precautions and they don't need to open a door to unlock it anyway. The barricade will only cause issues if they were on their way to kill you, and in that case the barricade is solving a bigger problem.
Chef says you might have a point, but that begs the question: what to barricade with?

25/11/14
"==>"

25/11/14
"CUSTODIAN: Clean this mess up."

25/11/14
"Aviator: look around"

It's a lot more spacious in here than you were expecting. In fact, it's just a bottomless black void in all directions, which explains how so much stuff can fit in here. You feel like an astronaut floating through space, which is a considerable downgrade from your normal self as a seriously cool sky cruiser. Anybody can fly in a weightless vacuum, there's nothing cool about it (well, except literally).

Still, you can't help but wonder how Backpacker's stuff manages to get damaged.

25/11/14
"==>"

It looks like you still have a couple minutes to prepare before they show up.

25/11/14
"Backpacker: Deal with Aviator"

You deal with it.

25/11/14
"==>"

Backpacker asks what if Aviator is right.
Chef says ignore Aviator, he's just trying to screw with the three of you.
Aviator says fine, it's your funerals.
You ask Backpacker if he could just deal with Aviator already. Holding a member of the FACILITY hostage would make a terrible first impression to the rescue team.

25/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says if SECURITY receives any calls claiming to be from the VENTILATRIUM they're to flood the area with poison gas. He suspects that imposters have somehow gotten on the network and that they're surely on their way now to kill everybody else in the room. You all should cut him loose so he can help fight.
Chef says the only thing getting cut loose is Aviator's head if he doesn't cooperate. He asks why a bunch of imposters would want to kill them in person instead of remotely with poison gas.
Aviator says they kept you alive, so their intentions can't possibly be good.

25/11/14
"==>"

You are Custodian.

You hang up the RADIO after another successful negotiation and tell Chef the good news.
Chef says wow, not bad.
Aviator says weird, that wasn't supposed to happen.
Chef asks what was supposed to happen.

25/11/14
"==>"

You say you found some air.

25/11/14
"==>"

You yell SCREW OFF YOU DON'T NEED SOME USELESS HEADWEAR. IF HE WANTS TO MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE HOW ABOUT OFFERING SOMETHING THAT CAN'T BE FOUND IN A LANDFILL.
Hat Salesmen pauses for a moment, and then says tanks of clean air?
You yell YOU'LL BE RIGHT OVER DON'T GO ANYWHERE.

25/11/14
"==>"

You answer and yell YOU'VE REACHED COMEDIAN NAME YOUR INCONVENIENCE.
The other end says sorry, he thought he was being transferred to FACILITY SECURITY. He'll try again.
You yell NO WAIT THIS IS WHATEVER IT WAS HE JUST SAID. WHAT'S UP.
The other end says he is HAT SALESMEN, and he is currently trapped in the HELMET CHAMBER of the VENTILATRIUM.

25/11/14
"==>"

You feel your RADIO vibrate in your pocket. You always leave your RADIO on VIBRATE during meetings. It would be a tragedy if it caused a disturbance.

25/11/14
"==>"

You are now Comedian.

You are currently in what Cartographer likes to call the GREEN ROOM, so named because of the unearthly green glow is casts on everything inside (probably from Soldier's corpses). Cartographer says that this is the one blindspot in the entire FACILITY, so any extremely important matters are discussed exclusively here. You're not even sure how he found it, since it has no doors.

Also, it makes a great place for hiding bodies.

Cartographer and Diver are currently talking about possible OXYGEN TANK sources now that Diver's SUIT has gone dry. At least, that's what they were talking about when you were last paying attention. You're bored as hell, but Cartographer's not letting you out of the GREEN ROOM because of your "unaccountably reckless behavior".

25/11/14
"Order Comedian to deal with the "hatseller""

Yeah, that's probably the best use of their time. You tell this "HAT SALESMEN" that you're forwarding their call to ADVANCED PROCESSING and then send it to Comedian.

25/11/14
"==>"

Now that you've stopped, it occurs to you that Cartographer doesn't have to know about this. This could be an opportunity for entertainment. Maybe you'll let the more violent members of the GUILD know about it, maybe you'll call in the new SECURITY FORCE to deal with it, or maybe you'll just screw with them yourself. The more you consider it, the more you're convinced that this sounds like what you've heard fun sounds like (at least according to Comedian, but he seems to have extra fun).

25/11/14
"==>"

You activate the RADIO RECEIVER FREQUENCY MATCH TRANSFER PROTOCOL. You don't know if that's what it's actually called, but a process this stupidly convoluted should have a name to match. Whoever runs the FACILITY must suffer from extreme RADIOPHOBIA, because you have yet to see any installed anywhere. Where a sane person would put a wallmounted RADIO, they put a console with a receiving frequency but no way to send messages to other RADIOS, since one-way communication is the best way to show your subordinates that you don't care. No, in order to send a message to a RADIO, you have to sync it with this console, which will make it so you can no longer receive any messages directed to you because fuck convenience. This is a process that wastes literally dozens of seconds of precious oxygen you can spend complaining about any number of more important things. You keep telling Cartographer that this is why you need a TECH SPECIALIST on the GUILD, and no Diver doesn't count because the only machine Diver can make is a PILE OF SCRAP METAL. But no, he had to give the empty spot to the nigh-useless CATERER. For someone who's so fond of looking at the big picture, Cartographer can be pretty shit at diagnosing actual problems with-

You stop yourself. You almost gave a GUILDMATE a bad review by accident. Who could have guessed managing a power that can kill people by hating them enough could be so dangerous in your hands.

(The answer is anybody.)

25/11/14
"==>"

You don't know who these people are. They don't look like FACILITY PERSONNEL. It's probably that TEAM you were told about. Cartographer would want to know about this.

25/11/14
"==>"

Wait, it looks like you've finally got visual.

25/11/14
"==>"

You are now Critic.

You have no idea who you're talking to right now. They're probably not a Hat Salesmen (how does one be a singular SALESMEN anyway), but this conversation is too straightforward to be a prank from Comedian, and there's not nearly enough screaming for it to be a GUARD. If you could feel, you would feel like this is exactly the sort of "suspicious" activity that Cartographer wanted to be warned about immediately.

But, since you can't have hunches, you think you'll just shrug and carry on.

25/11/14
"Trying to get outside, what else would I be doing?"

You say that you're looking for a way out.
The other end says yes, he figured that out. He wants to know why you were there.
You say damn, that's deep. Why are any of us here?
The other end says that's easy. You're here to sell hats. He's there to open the door.
You say then let's just do our roles like the honest citizens we are.

25/11/14
"==>"

You say a COMEDIAN is not a HAT.
The voice sighs loudly and says fine, he'll play along. What door do you need unlocked today?
You say you need the door of the HELMET CHAMBER in the VENTILATRIUM unlocked.
The other end asks what the hell a HAT SALESMAN is doing there.

25/11/14
"Make the call, but disguise your voice to make yourself sound like one of the facility's numerous HAT SALESMEN"

You immediately immerse yourself in your new role. You are HAT SALESMEN, and the top of your head is only good for two things: wearing HATS and thinking about them. And you're not wearing any HATS. It's not much of a stretch. You once owned a magnificent HAT of your own, until the GUARDS took it away along with your original TOOL set and most of your dignity. You place the call.

A voice on the other end says you've reached FACILITY SECURITY, how can we inconvenience you today?
You say yes this is HAT SALESMEN. You need a door in FACILITY unlocked.
The other end asks if you could be more specific. Which salesman did you say you were? You can't be all of them.
You say HAT. HAT SALESMEN.
The voice says god damn it, is this Comedian?

25/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says he won't make the call for you, but he can give you the NUMBER. That way he'll have plausible deniability.
You say that should do. You ask Custodian if he's up for a bit of ACTING.

25/11/14
"Backpacker: Threaten with stuffing in backpack."

Backpacker asks if he can loot the Aviator yet.
You say sure. If he's going to say as many useful things as a chair, then he should be treated as one.
Aviator says look, he's willing to be perfectly reasonable here. You're the one who's being unreasonable.
You say okay, then let's be reasonable.

25/11/14
"Ask about other routes further into the FACILITY"

You ask Aviator if there's another way deeper into the FACILITY.
Aviator says yes, there is. FACILITY PERSONNEL don't have to lug around half a dozen HELMETS each, some just prefer it to the violent vivisection of the employee verification process. Of course, he's not going to tell you about it. Fate worse than death and all that.

25/11/14
"Backpacker:Demote and repeatedly voicemail to boost inertia"

You call Hiker and ask if he could spam your inbox with loads of voicemails. You say every little bit of INERTIA helps.
Hiker says no way. He might be bored, but he'd rather continue not existing than do something more monotonous than breathing. He's looking for a way to pass the time, not waste it.

Your INERTIA increases by 0.0000005! The incredible inefficiency of this system is beginning to dawn on you.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian says he has an idea for unlocking the door: slitting Aviator's throat.
You say hrm, then say well, it's better than nothing.
Aviator says hold on hold on. The door is set to be locked until he makes a call to SECURITY.
You say then make the call.
Aviator asks if you have any idea what the FACILITY does to traitors. Death would be better. At least it's a single, definable state.

Maybe you should try a different line of questioning.

18/11/14
"OK, time for some good old fashioned interrogation"

You ask how to open the door.
Aviator says by turning the knob.
You say it's locked.
Aviator says well unlock it first genius.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lucky for you, it's not a picky eater.

18/11/14
"Backpacker/Hiker become a BACKPACKER again and refill your BACKPACK"

Custodian says oh hey, you're back.
You say you can't chat now. Your BACKPACK is famished.

18/11/14
"==>"

Oh cool, a VOICE MAIL! Your INBOX's INERTIA is now 0.000002! You listen to it immediately in celebration.

You hear a voice that sounds remarkably familiar. It introduces itself as a HIKER, and says that he's the result whenever you CLASS REVERT or DEMOTE or whatever your preferred terminology is. Hiker says that seeing a group of determined friends trying to survive insane scenarios makes him nostalgic for the good old days, and he doesn't want to get in the way of such triumphant cooperation. In fact, Hiker offers his help. If you ever need him to do something, or have any sort of weird question, you can use a combination of VOICE MAIL and CLASS REVERSION to communicate. It would make a good diversion in the face of eternity.

18/11/14
"Repromote to Backpacker."

You are now Backpacker.

You put on your CHEST PLATE again. You hear a faint beeping from your pocket.

18/11/14
"==>"

You turn on the RADIO while Aviator and Chef continue to exchange their "witty" banter. You call Backpacker and immediately end up at an answering machine. It says to please leave a VOICE MAIL, because Backpacker is trying to collect as many of them as possible so that his INBOX can get nice and strong.

You leave your thoughts and hang up.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask for your RADIO back.
Aviator says sure. He wouldn't mind being able to fly again.
Chef says good plan Aviator. Lift up while a KNIFE is pressed down on his throat. Brilliant thinking.

18/11/14
">Give your piece of mind to backpacker (through post it notes)"

You don't have any post-it-notes, but you have an idea for an alternative.

18/11/14
"==>"

You tell Custodian nice work. You thought the bomb was going to explode for sure.
Custodian says if the bomb was an unstable explosive, it would have gone off while Backpacker was swinging it in his pack.
You say Backpacker's been carrying it in his BACKPACK!?
Chef interrupts the two of you, saying that while it's nice to meet somebody who doesn't want to kill everybody on the TEAM, now's not the time for introductions. Chef's trying to figure out what to do with the mutual enemy you just helped capture.

18/11/14
"Run down the wall safely"

You leisurely jog down the wall.

18/11/14
"CHEF: Do something!"

You hold your FILET KNIFE up to Aviator's throat and say that if Aviator so much as twitches he'll discover what the deal is with airline food.
Aviator says that it's delicious?
You ask if Aviator is trying to get himself killed.
Aviator says wrong answer?
You say no, airline food is poison. What's he doing eating it?

18/11/14
"==>"

What's important is that the bomb was protected. A broken bomb is less useful than a bomb that can still be armed.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator slams into your metal platform and doesn't even dent it. You're not sure how much damage his head just took, but you're pretty sure his helmet took the brunt of that impact.

18/11/14
"CUSTODIAN: Do something!"

You finish doing something.

18/11/14
"==>"

Looks like it'll be the MASSIVE ORANGE DEATH BOMB. Nice, maybe it's an unstable explosive and will explode on impact.

Wait, what if it's an unstable explosive and kills YOU on impact? The explosion would certainly be big enough. Maybe you should do something.

18/11/14
"==>"

You've got the BACKPACK back! Now you can perform a CLASS ADVANCEMENT. You also grabbed the PARACHUTE, because why not?

Aviator begins to plummet. You wonder what piece of junk down there he'll land on.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says because crashing into the ground from 300 feet up is notoriously bad for your health.
You say oh, so in that case Aviator won't be needing all this baggage. You'll stow it away for him.
Aviator says stow it away where, as a smear on the floor?
You say on second thought, you think you'll walk.

18/11/14
"==>"

You feel your ascent slowing.

Aviator says you idiot, don't turn on small electronics during takeoff!
You say why not?

18/11/14
"Hiker:Perform a MOTTO-PARRY."

It couldn't hurt to try a MOTTO-PARRY. Pundit always said it's the middle ground between a TRUTH-ROLL and a CRITICAL WIT.

You turn on your RADIO and hand it to Aviator. You say the ministry of crappy one-liners wants to talk to him, cause that last line exceeded their standards.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says you got here just in time, he was just about to reach your TERMINAL.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says oh, you were just stalling him.
You say well, you had to catch your flight.

18/11/14
"Do a wall hike up to Aviator with your newfound parkour skills."

You've got places to be.

This is like climbing an ant hill. A small pile of insignificant things that would love to kill you if it weren't for the cruel laws of reality.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask the same question you ask every morning: where the hell are you?
The CUSTODIAN asks who the hell are you?
The AVIATOR flying above tells you to halt. He says you are intruding on FACILITY property and that he will be forced to blah blah blah blah you don't care about the rest. You notice that he's holding Backpacker's BACKPACK, so you no longer care about your question. It doesn't matter where you are so long as you know where you're going.

Aviator finally stops blabbing.
You ask him if he could repeat what he just said. You couldn't hear him over the Custodian being stupid.
Custodian and Aviator begin loudly exchanging profanity, but you don't give a crap.

18/11/14
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 1.

You are a TIRELESS HIKER. There is no path too hazardous, no cliff too steep, no storm too this is stupid you can't see anything past this CHEST PLATE.

18/11/14
"Backpacker: Revert to Hiker class."

Before you can perform a CLASS REVERSION, you need to make yourself fit the prerequisites for the CLASS. In this case you need to be unencumbered, so you've got to lose the CHEST PLATE.

18/11/14
"==>"

This was a good idea.

18/11/14
"Aviator: Dump all the contents into the room."

Aviator is betting that everything in your bag is CONTRABAND. He decides it would be faster to just dump the contents.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator asks what the hell is wrong with you.

18/11/14
"==>"

There's got to be a way up there. Maybe you're overthinking this.

Huh. You never expected yourself to ever think that sentence.

Aviator looks like he's confused by something he found in your pack.

18/11/14
"==>"

You decide against pretending that your TEAMMATE is an unconventional bag. BACKPACKERS draw their power from the strength of the bond with their pack, but a relationship built on such delusions would be fragile at best.

18/11/14
"==>"

You gaze at Custodian as your mind drifts off on that question. Custodian asks what the hell are you looking at.

18/11/14
"Quickly look at Custodian. Is he near the same weight as your backpack? If so, throw him at Aviator"

While Custodian is obviously nowhere near the WEIGHT of your BACKPACK, that was never the issue. The issue was that the only thing you can throw is your BACKPACK, regardless of its current weight. That being said, maybe you could use Custodian as a replacement BACKPACK?

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says cool, he's always wanted a POINTED STICK.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator opens the BACKPACK and takes a peek inside. He says it's a hell of a mess in here. Haven't you ever heard of compartments? Whatever, he'll just have to remove the CONTRABAND one piece at a time.

18/11/14
"==>"

The LADDER bounces uselessly against the INERTIAL MIGHT of your BACKPACK. You don't think Aviator even notices.

18/11/14
"quick! catch him with the ladder again!"

When you succeed, try try again.

18/11/14
"==>"

You tell Chef that you're totally off your game without your BACKPACK. You add that you're considering doing a CLASS REVERSION since you're not going to be much help right now.
Chef says woah wait a second. Let's leave the dramatics to Custodian.
Custodian agrees. Leave the recklessness to him.
Chef says don't try to reinvent sliced bread here. Just stick with what you know works.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef thanks you and asks if you've got any other bright ideas.
You ask Chef if he could cool it on the sarcasm for a bit. Your head is killing you right now.
Chef says he wasn't being sarcastic. Your ideas have suddenly been on point lately. He doesn't know what's gotten into you, but he's not complaining.
You say oh.

18/11/14
"Backpacker: Help your teammates stand up"

Better help your TEAMMATES back up. There's no reason for you to fight alone.

18/11/14
"QUICK! Save the pack!"

Absolutely!

... You just aren't sure how to. This is the first time you've ever been separated from your BACKPACK, and it's already proving to be a weird experience. You've got a steadily worsening headache from the COGNITIVE DISSONANCE of calling yourself a BACKPACKER despite not having one, and you feel incredibly light without a well of INERTIA being strapped to your back. You suppose you could do a CLASS REVERSION now that you no longer are wearing your BACKPACK, but there's no telling what would happen since you never bothered to find out who the previous CLASS even was.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says hold on a second, he'll have to inspect it for CONTRABAND.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says oh dear, unattended LUGGAGE.

18/11/14
"==>"

You're thrown into the back wall and hit something soft. You think you hear Custodian say he'd like to be on his feet for more than a couple seconds, but it's hard to keep your mind focused.

You feel like something important just went missing from your soul.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says then at least wear the damn thing, it can get windy in here.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says no?

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says you should consider checking it.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says hey buddy, your carry-on bag is looking a little big there.

18/11/14
"Backpacker: Cut out the nonsense and bludgeon that Aviator!"

You don't see how a sheet of cloth is going to help with a concussion, but you decide not to argue the point.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator asks if you realize the point of a PARACHUTE is to carry a large sheet of cloth, not an anvil.

18/11/14
"Backpacker: TAUNT Aviator about the size of his BACKPACK."

You ask Aviator how he's liking the convenience of carrying half a napkin in that pathetic satchel he calls a BACKPACK.

18/11/14
"Backpacker: Assess Aviator's backpack"

You take note of the smaller BACKPACK Aviator has chosen. He's obviously prioritized mobility over carrying capacity, a common novice mistake. What beginners don't consider is that mobility is a skill that can be learned. A BACKPACKER will naturally grow stronger in proportion to their pack over time, to the point where they will reach the same speeds they had before it. On the other hand, a bag can't learn to carry more stuff. Aviator should have maximized the feature that's fixed.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask what doesn't feel great? That pleasant breeze?

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says doesn't feel so great, does it?

18/11/14
"==>"

Before either of you can react, Aviator gets back to his feet and releases a blast of air. You guess he must be a lot faster than he looks.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say he shot Custodian.
Aviator yells back that it was a warning shot.
Chef says warning shots aren't supposed to hit.
Aviator says well, it's a pretty shitty warning if it misses.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator groans and asks what the hell that was for.

18/11/14
"Backpacker and Chef: Run with the ladder to catch AVIATOR between it and the wall."

It's time to show this clown the power of teamwork between two angry friends and a ladder.

18/11/14
"==>"

You hear Custodian faintly mutter that he told you so.

18/11/14
"==>"

Aviator says look, he's winning.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian turns and says he's a little disappointed. The last HELMET they lifted activated two floor destroying bombs. He says a weirdo in a leather hat isn't much of an escalation.
Aviator asks whether the bombs shot him.
Custodian says no.

18/11/14
"==>"

An AVIATOR rapidly descends from the ceiling, and sternly instructs Custodian to put the HELMET back on the post.

18/11/14
"==>"

The alarm going off, unlike the success of your plan, comes to the surprise of nobody. You brace yourself for the next overkill of a security measure.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef advises Custodian to consider something else for when this job is over. He wouldn't want to lose his share for a punch.
Custodian says spoken like a person who never hit Lawyer before. He says you should try it sometime; it's extremely satisfying.
You say you think a successful plan executed with good teamwork is even better.
Custodian asks what you're going on about, then looks at his hands and says oh.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian says of course not. He always punches Lawyer in the mouth somewhere around the four minute mark.
Chef asks how that's going for him.
Custodian says pretty good. Lawyer's run out of things to sue him for, so he gets to do it for free now.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says wait, then says damn it.
Custodian asks what the hell Chef knows about arguments.
Chef asks Custodian if he's actually had a conversation with Lawyer lasting more than five minutes.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says Custodian wasn't actually laying out an argument. There was no claim or warrant. That was just contradiction.
You ask if Chef is arguing that there isn't an argument happening right now.
Chef says yes.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says that's a fair point.
Custodian says no it isn't.
You say see? It's working already.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say what's the harm in trying? If he ends up falling, Custodian can say he told you so.
Chef says the worst is that we waste a bunch of our time on another scheme that goes nowhere.
You say at least everybody will have something to do while they bicker. Isn't that an upgrade?

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian finally says that such a plan is preposterous. There's no way either of you could be counted on to keep him in one piece.
You point out that Custodian rarely keeps himself in one piece.
Custodian says that's barely relevant.

18/11/14
"Couldn't you two just hold the ladder steady while Custodian detaches it and then climbs down?"

You ask why can't you and Chef hold the ladder steady while Custodian detaches it.

Your two TEAMMATES are uncomfortably silent. You think the thought of active teamwork had never occurred to either of them. You decide to hold the ladder steady and Chef follows your lead.

18/11/14
"Check if anything in your backpack has been pulverized into a rope-like format."

Because your BACKPACK is too heavy for your UI, you'll need to check your contents manually. It's probably for the best, as it'd give you something to focus on instead of your TEAMMATES' BICKERING.

You currently have CORPSES x 2.7 (currently missing HEADS), MOTORCYCLE x 0.09, AIR ARMOR x 0.7, BED x 1, BOOKSHELF x 1, AIR ARMOR x 0.15, CHAIR x 5, CHIP x 1, BERSERKER VISOR x 1, COMMON SCENTS x 3, AIR ARMOR x 0.15, POLEARM x 1, MOTORCYCLE x 0.34, REMOTE SWITCH x 1, DOORS x 3, LAMP x 1, TABLE x 1, MOTORCYCLE x 0.09, DEAD ROBOT x 4.723546133333 (repeating), MOTORCYCLE x 0.18, PROPELLER BLADES x 2 x 2, STAIRS x 0x0D, MOTORCYCLE x 0.16, DEAD LANDSHARKS x 2, UNIDENTIFIED PLANTS x 7, NEON ORANGE DEATH BOMB x UNARMED, MOTORCYCLE x 0.075.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef yells then what the hell does he call this?
Custodian asks if Chef is going to actually suggest anything.
Chef says nah. He prefers being 0 for 0 for shitty plans.
Custodian says okay, but Chef's still at least 7 for 7 for being a massive tool. Custodian says he should add Chef to his collection.

18/11/14
"==>"


Chef asks if Custodian needs a hand up there, or a good throwing arm.
Custodian says no thanks, he's got an extra.
Chef asks if Custodian's sure. Maybe he should try sucking less at the problem? He's prepared cheeses with better throws than that.
Custodian shouts that inspiring vomit doesn't count as a good throwing arm.

18/11/14
"Custodian used arms and legs as boomerangs, didn't he?"

Custodian shouts down that he's got a better idea now.
Chef says what, is it to ask politely for the puzzle to make sense? Because it's too late now and things will only get awkward if they try.
Custodian says no, he's going to throw some ARM BOOMERANGS at the problem.
Chef says no wait, go back to the other plan that one was better.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian shouts down that moving the ladder would be a good idea if it wasn't attached at the top. Somebody can only remove it from up here, which is a problem since GRAVITY continues to exist.
Chef asks how the hell the FACILITY had it attached up there in the first place.
Custodian asks if Chef just asked him to make sense of the way things work here.
Chef says yeah.
Custodian says to refer to Chef's earlier answer.

18/11/14
"Custodian: Take down the ladder and put it up on the correct side of the room."

Custodian asks why the hell you had him climb down in the first place then.
Chef says to refer to his earlier answer.
Custodian tells him to shove it, and climbs up the ladder again.

18/11/14
"Everyone: Climb down."

Custodian angrily asks if there was even a point to all of that.
Chef says no. Like everything else, it exists solely to piss Custodian off.
Custodian thanks Chef for the honest answer. He says it's a good change from being a smartass all the time.

18/11/14
"Try throwing some of the stuff from your pack at the helmet, to knock if off, the ask Mechanic if he can make this ladder into a bridge across. (When throwing it, let the guys below know so you don't hit them with a motorcycle.)"

Throw... STUFF? You're still not sure how to throw something that isn't your BACKPACK, and you'd never want to risk putting it out of reach. It would be like asking a turtle to throw its shell at something. Sure, it probably could, but its identity would be lost in the process.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says he was going to tell you the ladder was on the wrong side of the room, but you're just so precious when you think you have an idea that he didn't want to crush your spirits.

18/11/14
"TEAM: Ascend."

You say you're going up.

18/11/14
"Backpacker: Get your allies' attention and direct it to the ascension device you just located. If Custodian gets the idea to disassemble it for some excessive and useless invention, bludgeon him."

You tell your TEAMMATES about the LADDER.
Custodian asks what the hell that has to do with anything.
Chef tells Custodian to hold on. He wants to see where you're going with this.

18/11/14
"==>"

Found it.

Custodian tells Chef not to be so bitter that the TEAM hasn't found any legendary COOKING ARTIFACTS. He's sure one will turn up eventually.

18/11/14
"Try to find a ladder."

You decide to be useful and look for another way to get some altitude.

Behind you, you hear Chef fine, he won't get in the way of Custodian being delusional. He'd rather just call objects what they are instead of raving about the incomprehensible beauty of the FRYING DUTCHPAN or whatever.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian yells that you assholes cost just cost him DIGGDRASIL.
Chef asks if Custodian named his SHOVEL.
Custodian yells don't change the subject. If Chef hadn't lost SAWBERUS by being too slow to open a chest (seriously, how hard could that have been), Custodian would have an actual toolset and mistakes like these wouldn't happen.
Chef says only a shoddy custodian blames their tools, regardless of how stupid their names might be.
Custodian says his tools have awesome goddamn names and a rich tapestry of lore behind each of them.

You start to drift off. You know better than to try to get involved when bickering breaks out between these two. You like everybody in the TEAM and all, but you think almost all of them could stand to yell a bit less often.

18/11/14
"==>"

Looks like your plan was a little too successful.

18/11/14
"==>"

For obvious reasons, Chef adds.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says nice. He would have never thought of that.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef asks did you just give a tank full of highly flammable gas to a madman who uses a shovel as an adhesive?
You say yes.

18/11/14
"Maybe one of those OXYGEN TANKS can work as a power supply?"

You hand one of them to Custodian and suggest incorporating it into his design.
Custodian seems receptive to the idea and gets right to work.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says it doesn't look entirely functional.
Custodian says yeah well, maybe next time you want him to bring dead machinery to life you'll supply him with a POWER SOURCE. There's not much he can do without one.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian says he's done.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask Chef if he wants to try using a tank or two to lift off the ground and reach the HELMET.
Chef says that while that might work for reaching the HELMET, it provides no way to get down in one piece. He's not going to volunteer for a drop that high.
You promise that you'd catch him.
Chef says the ground would be softer.

18/11/14
"That or take one of those tanks-- they're probably filled with highly pressurized gas of some sort-- and use it as a jetpack or something. Or both."

You grab the tank and point the nozzle away from you, but it fails to lift you off the ground. You must be too heavy.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says it's made of GREY PAINT.
You say and?
Chef says that's it. Flavors are like pieces of writing. Some are poetry, some are novels, and some, like the surface of this tank, are microwave instructions.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef tastes the exterior of the tank and ponders for a bit, allowing the flavors to linger.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask Chef what the tanks themselves are made of. Anything heavy?
Chef says he can't taste weight, but sure.

18/11/14
"==>"


Chef says that it's filled with pure OXYGEN, not a trace of HYDROGEN or NITROGEN to be found. He'd approximate the age of it as being bottled for twelve years. He says interestingly, that source of it doesn't seem to be from the FACILITY, it's not nearly sterile enough for that. Rather, it must have come from somewhere in the outside world.
You ask from where?
Chef says he isn't sure. There's an edge to it that can't be traced to anywhere he knows of. It's got a faint hint of freedom to it, an alien air of infinite potential, yet somehow familiar like an aged whiteboard or a trusty FRYING PAN. Chef shrugs, saying that the FACILITY must have kept this air in storage because such a hopeful thing can't exist out in the real world.

18/11/14
"==>"

He tastes a sample and pauses for a moment as he savors the nuances.

18/11/14
"==>"

The tank opens with a soft squeak.

Chef says at least somebody on the TEAM remembers that he's good for more than dispensing rations and saying "I told you so".

18/11/14
"Check those tanks. What are they filled with?"

You ask Chef if he can taste what's in the tank.
Chef says from here? No.
You say you meant if he could go over and-
Chef says he knows.

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian says then you've got everything you need.

18/11/14
"==>"

Chef says okay, and what if all you've got is some cleaning supplies, impatience, and a surplus of profanity?

18/11/14
"==>"

Custodian says probably. It's possible to make anything work as anything with the right tools, some smarts, and a level head.

18/11/14
"Take one of those fans off the wall and convert it into some sort of helicopter-like device. Or I guess you could point it upwards and set it to full power?"

You ask Custodian if he can get one of those fans working as a propeller.
Custodian says it depends. Is it possible to break a propeller into the shape of a fan?
You ask if it is.

18/11/14
"==>"

You're not sure how to proceed, but you have total faith that the three of you can overcome any obstacle together.

18/11/14
"==>"

But not within reach.

18/11/14
"==>"

Your task here is nearly complete. The HELMET is within sight.

18/11/14
"Be Backpacker"

You decide to be Backpacker.

You and your TEAMMATES have been exploring the depths of the VENTILATRIUM.

18/11/14
"==>"

Guard Captain mutters that at least the intruders cleared off. He makes a mental note to detain them on sight the next time he sees any of them, and a special note to pay Lawshark back for tricking him.

You realize that watching these events in the third person is a little disorienting, and decide it would make things easier to pick a perspective. You could be anybody in the TEAM, the GUILD, or go back to being Guard Captain. Who will you be?

18/11/14
"==>"

Diver refuses to leave until the objective is complete.
Comedian says yeah well it'll be harder to complete the rest of the objectives dead, so stop whining.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawshark says good. They'll just have to finish this another time.
Comedian calls up Cartographer and says that they need to get the hell out of dodge.

18/11/14
"==>"

Comedian agrees. Four fully rested GUILD members could barely fight Guard Captain to a standstill. With the present four all half dead, there's no way they'd stand a chance. Hell, he once hit Guard Captain with a MEGATON PUNCHLINE and barely made a dent.

18/11/14
"==>"

Trumpeter says great work everybody. He knew he could count on Diver and Comedian to pull through.
Diver breaths in confusion.
Lawshark says everybody should shut up and run as fast as possible. That hit is only going to lightly daze Guard Captain, and the last think you should do is stick around after pissing off somebody who can parry a shark across a room.

18/11/14
"==>"

You are knocked out of being Guard Captain.

18/11/14
"Captain: Maybe you shouldn't have turned your back to that intruder who's strong enough to walk around in a huge metal suit."

But you haven't turned your back on him. Sure, the metal suit is more like robot body parts than a power suit, but you'd never turn your back on somebody packing that much steel.

18/11/14
"==>"

Wait, did his assistant just call him Lawyer?

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawshark shrugs and says because he's a bumbling sidekick?

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawshark says they do that? He thought CYBORG was actually arguing all those times.
CYBORG asks why the hell he'd try to actually win an argument with a Lawyer.

18/11/14
"==>"

SMARTASS asks what thing.
CYBORG says pretending to have an argument with a teammate while actually coordinating through subtext.

18/11/14
"==>"

WETSUIT breathes at SMARTASS, asking what he's doing.
SMARTASS says he doesn't see the problem with a little honesty, and asks if WETSUIT has any better ideas.
CYBORG says oh no they don't get to do this. This is CYBORG and LAWSHARK's thing, not their thing. They don't get to do it.

18/11/14
"==>"

SMARTASS says he's the intruder you shot a couple times earlier today. They're all part of a group with the mission to infiltrate the FACILITY and destroy key mechanisms that lie near its heart, crippling this institution permanently.

18/11/14
"==>"

WETSUIT breathes at you menacingly.

18/11/14
"And that his incredibly dashing friend is probably a bumbling assistant."

The CYBORG explains that he's the Lawshark's assistant, like his WATSON.
You say oh, you get it, WATTSON. Cause he's part robot. That's clever.
CYBORG says yeah. INVESTIGATORS can't be clever without an audience, so it's his job to be a witness. It's like the old adage goes: if an investigator is brilliant in the middle of a crime scene, and nobody's around to see it, do they find a clue?

18/11/14
"Lawshark: Ask Guard Captain who he's going to believe - some intruders, or his own judgment?"

Lawsharkestigator asks whether he's on notice too. You say no, he's already obtained your clearance as a special INVESTIGATOR. You say this time you'll be sure to not let him get lost in the FACILITY so the two of you can get to the bottom of this. You add that you're not quite sure who that is next to him though.

18/11/14
"Captain: Demand proper explanations. Now."

You tell everybody to be quiet. You explain that you're not in the mood for a bunch of shenanigans at the moment, so you're going to go around the room and have each person or shark explain why you shouldn't detain them immediately.

18/11/14
"==>"

You tell the intruders that the LAWSHARK is FACILITY PERSONNEL. They better back off or face the consequences.
The smartass says bullshit, those two are also intruders!

18/11/14
"Guard captain:Rush to LANDSHARK's side."

You yell for everybody to hold it.
WETSUIT backs off.

18/11/14
"==>"

They also share a weakness to people strong enough to wear a tank for a suit.

18/11/14
"Diver: Punch snout to establish marine biology."

Everybody who knows anything about marine biology knows that all SHARKS share a common weakness: their nose.

18/11/14
"Comedian: Make a joke about a fish out of water."

The smartass says that there's always a bigger fish out of water.

18/11/14
"Diver: Use a robot body as a shield! "What was that you were saying about 2 inches of metal?""

WETSUIT grabs a robot carcass and jams it into LAWSHARK's mouth while breathing badassedly.

18/11/14
"==>"

The LAWSHARK drops the RESTRAINING ORDER and lunges at WETSUIT.

18/11/14
"==>"

Wait a second. You know that LANDSHARK!

18/11/14
"==>"

The LAWSHARK lets loose a bloodcurdling gurgle. You bet it would be much cooler if LANDSHARKS could roar.

18/11/14
"==>"

BRIEFCASE asks WETSUIT about how much was lost with the steel suit.
WETSUIT breathes curiously.
BRIEFCASE was just wondering whether WETSUIT could handle aquatic life without two inches of metal, and supposes that they'll just have to find out together.

18/11/14
"==>"

BRIEFCASE says he never dropped the case. In fact, because WETSUIT dropped in INERTIA he's been refunded a substantial chunk of EVIDENCE that is no longer needed to keep the RESTRAINING ORDER active. He goes on to say that thankfully, unlike scumbags like them, the LAW doesn't need to breathe.
The smartass voice asks if that's his excuse for never shutting up.

18/11/14
"==>"

You hear some stomping and catch a glimpse of somebody in a WETSUIT charging headlong into a RESTRAINING ORDER. Looks like BRIEFCASE knows a thing or two about LAW.

18/11/14
"==>"

You hear a smartass voice ask how far the two of them expected to get. It sounds familiar, like you had just heard it this morning.
You also hear some heavy breathing, but you can't make out whether something is being said or if somebody is out of shape.

18/11/14
"Eavesdrop"

You can't get much of a view from up here, but you listen closely.

It looks like the one with the BRIEFCASE is coming to, and says something to the one that looks like a CYBORG in a GOOFY HAT.

18/11/14
"It's none of your business. Go ahead and do what you were originally going to do."

Anything that happens in the FACILITY is your business. Besides, this is what you were originally here to do: to bring order to the chaos that had overcome this sector and was threatening the well-being of your GUARDS. If these individuals are intruders, they must be detained immediately.

18/11/14
"==>"

The hell is all this about?

18/11/14
"==>"

You stop for a moment. You could have sworn you heard a voice yell "GODDAMMIT CLIPPY!" from the hole.

18/11/14
"Section off the area with Caution Tape."

You don't have any CAUTION TAPE, but you never go anywhere without your makeshift WARNING CONES. They might just be ordinary sticks to others, but they're known to you as your friends MOVE ALONG and NOTHING TO SEE.

18/11/14
"==>"

You call up the closest GUARD BEACON. The BEACON system was a compromise between you and the TRUST. You were insistent that there needed to be some communication structure between GUARDS, but the TRUST insisted that distributing a RADIO to each individual GUARD would be an irresponsible business expense. The compromise then was for the installation of built in stations in each sector that can communicate with all other stations as well as your own RADIO. These stations are the BEACONS.

Strangely enough, you're getting no response from the BEACON closest to where the CUSTODIAN was detained. You try a few nearby BEACONS and still come up with angry static. You don't like what this might mean, and you don't have the time to look into it until you're done here.

18/11/14
"Lament that you don't have a Custodian on your team."

That's right, you remember that a CUSTODIAN got detained earlier today. Maybe you could get his services in exchange for some leniency and the return of his TOOLS.

18/11/14
"==>"

Well, Engineer doesn't know what he was expecting.

18/11/14
"==>"

Engineer sighs and says fine. He'll figure something out when he's done debugging the WAYPOINT CHESTS.
You ask how long that would take.
Engineer says the time it takes for molasses to do a hundred meter sprint in July.
You ask how long that is.
Engineer says about four weeks.
You pause, and ask how Engineer knows that.
Engineer says he does tests every year. July is only a bit longer than four weeks.
You say help's not coming huh.
Engineer says yeah probably not, wishes you luck and hangs up.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say you don't think they'll be turning on again. The ROBOTS he built look like they've thrown themselves at any hard surface they could find.
Engineer says that's bullshit. Those ROBOTS are his ticket to getting promoted to the winner's circle. Didn't you hear about how they forced back like fifty intruders in the INNER SANCTUM?
You say you weren't aware of that. You were too busy hearing frantic reports from GUARDS that the ROBOTS had been terminating all of them. You say you thought they were malfunctioning, came as soon as possible, and found the place in a complete wreck. Even if the ROBOTS didn't cause this, somebody has to fix this mess.

18/11/14
"==>"

Engineer asks what the problem is.
You say the COOLING REACTOR ZONE looks like somebody let loose a hole puncher on steroids.
Engineer asks if you've tried turning it off and on again.
You say what?
Engineer says the rampaging office appliance.

18/11/14
"Notify maintenance that this area needs repairs"

This is Engineer's problem, not yours.

18/11/14
"Put a blanket over the hole and pretend it isn't there."

A hazard nobody is aware of is a worse hazard. Sure, brushing it under a blanket might be a fast solution, but you don't actually need to fix any of this damage. Your job is to assess it and ensure that it gets fixed.

18/11/14
"==>"

You won't be surprised if that ends up being the case, but you've still got to be thorough. The TRUST is less than forgiving to reports that don't explore every viable possibility, and those who deliver less than satisfactory performances have a habit of vanishing altogether.

18/11/14
"Maybe it's time to look for a new job."

You love your job at the FACILITY, and one bad day isn't going to make you leave your dream job. The FACILITY is a unique place that pulsates with impossible contradictory ideas brought to life. It's a place that is simultaneously ordered yet chaotic, vast yet claustrophobic, intuitive yet incomprehensible, and you've got the great responsibility of keeping it protected from those that would seek to destroy its sacred balance, regardless of their powers or numbers. Because at the end of the day, a dream job isn't about having the time of your life, but about following a calling that's worth all the bad days in the world.

18/11/14
"==>"

You are now Guard Captain.

You have not been having a good day.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Run away!"

Where'd they go?

18/11/14
"==>"

You ignore Comedian's question and remove the rest of your suit. Your stats take a heavy penalty, but on the plus side breathing is back on the menu.

Now to finish what those whelps started.

18/11/14
"==>"

You breathe that was for the pun.
Comedian asks why can't you laugh like a normal person by moving your mouth and making noises instead of punching people in the face?

18/11/14
"Punch the Comedian in his face, preferably near the frontal cortex area so he'll remember never to try something like this again."

... PUNDUCTIVE - OWW GODDAMMIT!

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask if Diver is ready for the punderstorm. You say probably not, given that a METAL DIVING SUIT is HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE to PUNS. Or should you say...

18/11/14
"==>"

You say Diver's been passed out for awhile now. How about taking a breather?

Nothing? That's fine, you've got more where that came from.

18/11/14
"Tell a pun to Diver. Punishment for puns transcends states of unconsciousness"

You tell Diver not to fear, because you know CPR: Crappy Pun Resuscitation!

18/11/14
"Comedian: remove Diver's helmet so he can breathe."

You can't remove Diver's SUIT without a BUZZSAW, and Cartographer wouldn't trust the one he found to you due to a critical INVENTORY DEFICIENCY.

The only other way to remove the SUIT is for Diver to do it, which will be tough unconscious. You think you have an idea to solve that part though.

18/11/14
"==>"

It was just a single punch. You make a note that when all this is over you're going to force Lawyer to put some points in INERTIA. This is just embarrassing.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer mumbles something about a five minute recess for getting permanently stricken from the record and a standing position. He asks for permission to treat the floor as a hostile witness and warns that the ceiling will be held in contempt if it doesn't stop spinning.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: This is helping absolutely nobody. Wake Lawyer up and have him arrange a truce."

At this rate, you'll be stuck fighting here all day. You shout at Lawyer to pull himself together and get a new truce going.

18/11/14
"==>"

Comedian says it was funny.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask if Diver is going to be okay.
Comedian sighs and says Diver is always being dramatic, breathing death threats at people and pretending to asphyxiate when you cut the oxygen line. He finds the whole shtick too predictable now.
You ask again what the point of stalling was if he knew that Diver was out of air.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

OH COME ON DIVER DOESN'T HAVE ANY OXYGEN THAT'S NOT FAIR.

18/11/14
"==>"

Comedian says for Diver to get back to the room.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer mumbles something about catching the license plate on that freight train so he can sue it for a parking violation on his face.
You ask why Comedian couldn't have just done that earlier.
Comedian says because he was stalling.
You ask stalling for what?

18/11/14
"==>"

Comedian says come on Lawyer was asked two minutes ago to put up a RESTRAINING ORDER. This is just unprofessional.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer says yeah wait hold on a second.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer says hold on a minute that's actually a good point. Why are your shares the same?
You say look, if Lawyer is going to complain about share sizes he should ask why Backpacker is getting paid the same amount as the two of you when his job is to carry a bag and put stuff in it.
Lawyer says true, but Backpacker never asks for favors from anybody else. You, on the other hand, couldn't complete your assigned tasks without help. Therefore he should get a piece of your pie.
You say that's the point of a TEAM: members help each other when they need it. And it's especially the job of a LAWYER to sort through any legal messes as they arise, because there's no anticipating those setbacks before they happen.
Comedian says you've got a point. A TEAM has to be able to roll with the punches, otherwise hardworking people like Lawyer can get punched in the head while bickering with an ally.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say look, this shouldn't even be up for debate. You ask Lawyer if he could just do something to make sure this clown doesn't hurt the two of you.
Comedian says excuse him? Did you just call him a clown? Is he wearing floppy red shoes? A face bleached white with death? Has he scarred a child for life? No, because he's a COMEDIAN. He brings joy into the world. It's the furthest thing from a CLOWN. He asks Lawyer how much he's getting paid to work with this insensitive ass.
Lawyer says the money's getting split six ways equally when the TEAM's done.
Comedian says that doesn't seem fair at all. Why should your shares be the same when you're constantly asking Lawyer for help? Seems to him that you should owe Lawyer something extra for all the work he's been doing.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer says Comedian has a point. Exactly what are you offering this partnership again? Last time he checked it was throwing him at solid objects, a talent which barely counts as a net gain.
You say the skills you offer the TEAM as a whole are beyond question here. For instance, if it wasn't for you Lawyer would have never figured out a way to deal with Diver's oxygen. That's got to count for something, maybe even two somethings.
Lawyer says all you did was waste his breath in a pointless argument.
Comedian says similar to what you're doing now with this argument.

18/11/14
"==>"

Comedian says that's an incredibly self-centered way of treating one's teammates. Such a one-directional relationship is entirely unsustainable.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer asks which one of you two is the one who actually studied LAW.
You say him.
Lawyer asks in that case why are you telling him how to do his job.
You say that as his CLIENT it's his job to fill your legal needs, whatever they might be.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Yell at Lawyer to put another restraining order on the both of you, then attempt to play solitaire on that computer."

You don't know how you're supposed to play solitaire when it requires a deck of cards and a computer is just a slab of metal, but that first part sounds like a good idea. You yell at Lawyer to put a RESTRAINING ORDER between the both of you against Comedian. You say there's got to be more than enough EVIDENCE to support such a motion.

18/11/14
"==>"

Tuxedobot formally introduces itself as a COMEDIAN.

18/11/14
"==>"

Tuxedobot says here, it'll show you.

18/11/14
"Lawyer: Question Tuxedo's bots motives. If he's about to harm humans needlessly then he belongs in PRISON as that's not what robots were programmed to do."

Lawyer asks what Tuxedobot's problem is.
Tuxedobot explains that as a member of the GUILD, it must act with swift and righteous retribution against anybody who would attack a GUILDMATE.
Lawyer says yeah but, Tuxedobot was never actually made a member of the GUILD. You were just offering it up as an olive branch that Diver turned down out of stubbornness.
Tuxedobot says no, it's been a member of the GUILD this whole time. It's just surprised neither of you noticed since this IMPRESSION wasn't even meant to be that convincing.
Lawyer says huh?

18/11/14
"==>"

Tuxedobot says that's impressive and all, but it's going to have to backstab you both now.
Lawyer says hold on a second. Tuxedobot is going to try to attack the two people who just took out the colossus that had it soiling its robot pants?
You agree, and not only that, you point out that Tuxedobot announced its intent on the other side of the room, giving you two more than enough time to respond.
Tuxedobot says yeah, good luck.

18/11/14
"==>"

Your laughter restores some of your missing HP. Odd, you had no idea that MIRTH could have RESTORATIVE PROPERTIES.

18/11/14
"==>"

Tuxedobot says that it's a bit rusty when it comes to law, but if it recalls correctly it means you two just got 3 points for that half-court throw.

You laugh.

18/11/14
"TEAMTECH UNLOCKED: THROW THE BOOK AT 'EM "

Lawyer complains about back pain, and makes a note that even though it might be supported by hot air, a RESTRAINING ORDER is not an airbag.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say really? Throw the book?
Lawyer says yeah.
You say yeah, you like that plan.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say that was actually kind of clever, and ask what Lawyer's next move is.
Lawyer says okay fine, he didn't actually have a plan after that. He sort of wasn't expecting it to work at all. He guesses that he'll just hit Diver.
You ask with what? His weak INERTIA-LESS fists? How's that going to work?
Lawyer says maybe he'll just throw the book instead.

18/11/14
"==>"

It's Diver's fault Lawyer got in this argument. If Diver had never tried to kill you, then Lawyer would have never had to save your life, which would mean you wouldn't have been in the same room to have this entire breath-wasting conversation. Therefore, Diver is the one who owes you your breath back.

The SUIT resolves. Diver's tank is depleted of OXYGEN. Diver stops dead and becomes motionless. Or maybe Diver is just considering what can be done that doesn't involve breathing, or maybe Diver doesn't even notice. It is impossible to tell.

18/11/14
"Sue for his oxygen. He's wasted so much of your breath, it's only right that you get it back somehow."

Lawyer says screw you, you owe him for saving your life still. At the very least, you owe him the breath you wasted in this pointless argument.
You say oh right, very clever, sue the guy for air who can only hold a lungful. You're sure Lawyer will be able to get tons of mileage out of the two or three sentences that will get him.
Lawyer says good point, it's not even your fault anyway.

18/11/14
"Quickly raise the restraining order to protect yourself in reaction to Diver's threats."

Lawyer says a RESTRAINING ORDER, duh. Diver has been making more than enough threats to support a tight one.
You say okay idiot, now what's stopping Diver from murdering the rest of his CLIENTS?
Lawyer says if you're such a brilliant strategist why don't you tell him how you would stop Diver? You seem convinced you could stop him in a fight.
You tell Lawyer to go to hell. Maybe if Lawyer yells at the RADIO some more Diver will collapse from boredom.

18/11/14
"==>"


Tuxedobot asks Diver if they should do anything.
Diver breathes no, they might just kill each other and save both of them the trouble. Diver asks what Tuxedobot is even doing in the COOLING REACTOR ZONE anyway.
Tuxedobot asks what's wrong with popping in and saying hi to friends?

You say this is exactly what you're talking about. Lawyer never thinks beyond his next move, and that's why he keeps getting into these messes to begin with.
Lawyer asks what the hell do you mean.
You say as soon as you're dead, what makes him think that Diver won't just immediately turn and kill him as well? The whole TEAM has been targeted here, not any one member.

18/11/14
"Lawyer: Drop the injunction."

Lawyer says he's the only thing between you and certain death, so you better watch what you say carefully.
You call bullshit. You say you were doing just fine before Lawyer forced his way into this fight. Hell, you were able to hit Diver several floors up, and that was when you thought you were dealing with a RHINOCEROS.
Lawyer yells fine! Then you don't need this INJUNCTION! There are more grateful clients he can use this EVIDENCE for.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer asks if you're implying that he's bad at his job.
You say no, you're outright saying it. To be fair, when that job is "talking aggressively", there's just not much good that can come from it in the first place.
Lawyer says that at least he doesn't play the same BRRRRT noise over and over again and call it musical talent, and half-ass a thousand different minor hobbies because the one he decided to devote his life to never payed out to anything.
You say better that than being the one losing this argument despite it being his job.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer says if you were listening, he calmed Diver.
You say you don't care what the legal term is for it, the point is Diver is now actively talking about killing people as opposed to just making random hand motions. Lawyer has caused a net loss in the situation.
Lawyer says net loss? Is that what you call getting your ass saved, AKA the most brilliant legal maneuver since he proved rocks were mammals?
You say that's one way of phrasing "getting into an argument with a brick wall and losing".

18/11/14
"==>"

You start asking whether Diver even wants to bother checking with the rest of the GUILD before making such a reckless decision, but Lawyer cuts you off and asks for the RADIO back.
Lawyer says there's no reasoning with this one, it's like trying to argue your way out of a closet. Except Lawyer has actually done that before, so hand him the RADIO and he can get this all sorted.
You say no. Lawyer already had his chance to try to talk it out, and all he succeeded in doing was pissing off Diver.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask why the hell not. It's the culmination of a lifetime's worth of advances in style and science, and it's free. What else can that be said about?
Diver breathes your death.
You say unlike the Tuxedobot, your death doesn't come with cup holders.
Diver breathes it comes with your silence.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say hey there's not even a good reason for all this fighting to begin with, not with how much in common the TEAM and the GUILD have. There should be cooperation, not competition here.
Diver breathes.
You say look, both groups agree the FACILITY could use some BREAKING INTO, so the way you see it is that with a little adjustment they can work together and make this easier. It's up to the GUILD: do they want to make six allies, or six enemies? And hey, as an olive branch you'll throw in this Tuxedobot.
Diver breathes that the GUILD has no interest in accepting this heap of metal as a new member.

18/11/14
"==>"

Diver breathes hello.
You say hello. You tell Diver you think you got off on the wrong foot here, and that all of these hostilities are unintentional. You explain that your counsel can be needlessly antagonistic, but that you're serious about trying to find a peaceful, mutually beneficial compromise.
Diver breathes the losing side always is.

18/11/14
"Offer up Tuxedo Bot to him"

You interrupt Lawyer and ask for the RADIO. You say you'd like to speak with Diver.
Lawyer says as your legal adviser he strongly recommends against it. He tells you to sit back and let him handle the situation.
You say you'll consider his advice, but you'd still like to get a word in. You explain this is the first time you've heard Diver say anything, and you'd just like to get to know your would-be killer. You ask Lawyer what's the worst that could happen anyway. He's right here in case things get too heated.

Lawyer says fine and hands you the RADIO.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say sure, that's close enough. Look, unless Tuxedobot does something Diver is going to crush every shred of mirth and celebration in this sector. Also, Diver is an intruder. Surely that has to count for something?
Tuxedobot says as important as all that stuff is, its first priority remains ensuring the continued functioning of its legs. Stepping in the way of Diver would be extremely counterproductive to those ends. Those ends being its feet.
You say oh, you don't need Tuxedobot to fight Diver. Just cooperation.
Tuxedobot asks what you had in mind.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Tell Tuxedobot that Diver is the one who crashed the party before and that he hates parties and mirth and furthermore is an intruder!"

You decide that it would be wise to try to recruit the individual in the room most likely to survive a punch from Diver. Even if that survival is a result of not actually being a living organism.

You ask Tuxedobot if it heard how the last party ended.
Tuxedobot says it missed the party. By the time it finished putting on the suit the party had ended.
You say this jerk in the diving suit was stomping around the floor above so loud that everybody took the stomps for bass, and the party ended because the jerk crashed the party, dropping from the roof and knocking you out on the way down.
Tuxedobot says to hold on a moment. Are you saying that the party stopped because the bass dropped?

18/11/14
"==>"


You chuckle. You tell Diver that you doubt the GUILD could afford your rates. On the other hand, if Diver is interested in actually making a profit, you're sure you could talk the TEAM into pitching some money.
Diver breathes no thanks, not everybody is your kind of amateur.
You ask what kind that is.
Diver breathes the kind of amateur who is able to price their skill. The skill of a master is priceless.

Tuxedobot says there isn't going to be a party, is there.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say that's pretty fucking grizzly for a "good" guy.
Diver breathes that the world's at stake. Some expediency is allowed.
You ask what happened to calming down?
Diver breathes that a calm mind is best at finding paths of least resistance, like the spine of an enemy. Diver breathes another offer: if it's compensation that you're after, Diver is certain that the GUILD would be able to pay you more than an adequate amount to hire you to ditch your CLIENTS.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say you and your CLIENTS are here pulling a HEIST. Why would you waste your time on something as trite as working PRO BONO and saving the world? You ask what kind of amateur Diver takes you for. Someone of your talent expects to be paid for a job well done.
Diver breathes that you're not doing your job very well then. All you've done is made it so that Trumpeter can't be directly killed, which isn't really a problem.
You ask how so.
Diver breathes that, for instance, the INJUNCTION doesn't protect against Trumpeter getting his limbs torn off. In fact, it would ensure his survival through that. Alternatively, it also doesn't protect against Diver grabbing Trumpeter and then beating you to death with his body. Trumpeter would survive that too, until you died, at which point Diver could get away with beating Trumpeter to death against a wall or something.

18/11/14
"Attempt to settle out of court, trade oxygen for the freedom of your client"

You ask if Diver is feeling more like negotiating. The way you see it, you've got the upper hand in this engagement, but that's no reason for both parties to leave empty-handed. You tell Diver you could supply a generous amount of OXYGEN in exchange for leaving your CLIENT alone.
Diver breathes that no amount of OXYGEN you could offer would be acceptable. In fact, accepting any such deal would be in direct violation of direct orders to ensure that your CLIENT no longer causes any trouble for the GUILD. Instead, Diver makes a counter-offer: you and anybody you're affiliated with should evacuate the FACILITY right now. As nice as it is to see some grassroots heroes, Diver breathes that you will be a liability, and that you should leave the world-saving to the professionals.
You say world-saving? The hell?
Diver breathes confusedly. What are you doing here then?

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask if Diver has calmed down.
Diver breathes significantly.
You say good.
Diver breathes no. Not for you.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

Diver makes an exasperated sigh and pulls out a RADIO.

18/11/14
"==>"

Diver makes some complicated hand motions at you in response to your INJUNCTION. You can't understand what any of it means. You sort of shrug to indicate you have no idea what Diver is trying to say. You consider making a motion to indicate the value of speech with regards to efficient communication, but you have no idea what such a motion would look like. You suppose if you did, whatever Diver was going on about would make sense. But you don't, so it doesn't.

18/11/14
"==>"

... And you cast an INJUNCTION against Diver killing Trumpeter instead. You use the same line of reasoning you had used for your RESTRAINING ORDER, and the INJUNCTION holds immediately.

INJUNCTIONS tend to be expensive for their versatility, but it still ends up just barely cheaper than your RESTRAINING ORDER. More importantly though, Trumpeter is safe from any kind of harm by Diver.

18/11/14
"Switch it out. File an injunction instead"

Of course! You never needed to restrict Diver from any particular location, just one action: killing your CLIENT. You drop the RESTRAINING ORDER...

18/11/14
"==>"

Well, more painful than fun. You doubt you could form anything resembling an argument while incoherently screaming in the pain of having your arm obliterated by a tank. That's assuming the force of impact wasn't enough to just instantly kill you.

Honestly, as seriously as you take your job, you're not about to die for any of your CLIENTS. No amount of compensation would be worth lasting harm on that scale.

18/11/14
"Stick your hand out in front of the Diver and tell Trumpeter to move out of the way, retract the restraining order, and when Diver smashes into your arm, file a personal injury suit."

A personal injury suit could be a lot of fun. You could try arguing for a compensation for personal damages, maybe cause Diver's own arm to fall off.

18/11/14
"Lawyer: Point out that a real diver would be underwater."

You're about to make a dangerously worded CASE concerning Diver's lack of proximity to water when you notice that you've got barely any EVIDENCE. Weird. You dropped all of your CASES before pulling the OBJECTION to make sure you had as much to work with as possible, so how can you be almost out after just two CASES? You decide to take a closer look at your EVIDENCE distribution:

FREE: 10%
OBJECTION: 10%
RESTRAINING ORDER: 80%

What.

You know the cost of RESTRAINING ORDERS scale with the power of what you're RESTRAINING. It costs an average of 15% for a normal person, with your personal record being 40% for when you tested it against Backpacker last week. So, judging by how much it's costing to keep Diver at bay, you're betting getting hit with a single punch would be more than enough to cause your body to explode so hard your chunks fly into at least three different districts. The paperwork would be a nightmare.

You either need to make do with what little EVIDENCE you've got, or find a way for you and Trumpeter to survive without the RESTRAINING ORDER so you can file CASES again.

At least you've got time to think.

18/11/14
"==>"

The RESTRAINING ORDER remains unshaken, even against a battery of curious pokes. Looks like Diver is stumped about how to get around a square on the ground.

Meanwhile, you've bought yourself some space to build just the right CASE to dismantle Diver.

18/11/14
"==>"

Diver crashes into the border of RED TAPE with a thunderously soft "bonk".

18/11/14
"Lawyer: LAWTECH: RESTRAINING ORDER "

You reflexively file a RESTRAINING ORDER for Trumpeter against Diver. Diver poses an immediate threat to Trumpeter's well-being, shown by beating Trumpeter within a pixel of life.

It resolves around Trumpeter in a tight radius.

18/11/14
"==>"

Oh, maybe it's the sight of a speeding chunk of metal heading right toward them.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask if you're supposed to be intimidated by Diver's loud breathing shtick. Do others surrender at the sight of oxygen being converted into carbon dioxide?

18/11/14
"==>"

Diver breathes something short, and motions for you to stand aside.

18/11/14
"Negotiate peace."

You are now also Lawyer.

You ask if Diver is willing to settle this out of court. Drawing out this fight any longer is pointless, because the result is a foregone conclusion. Seriously, do the math. You're a master of LAW and RHETORIC, your CLIENT has mastered half a dozen more fields, and all Diver has is a heavy helmet and the ability to be influenced by GRAVITY. You ask if Diver can even understand math, because you can break it down further if some of the squigglier numbers are being troublesome.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer's OBJECTION is SUSTAINED. Diver's last attack is undone and you are alive again, though still with only 1 HP.

You ask Lawyer what he's doing here.
Lawyer says he's protecting his CLIENT. What sort of amateur do you take him for?
You say you get that, you just don't understand how he just appeared.
Lawyer asks if you even read the CONTRACT he had everybody sign, because it wasn't just for fun. It's more AIRTIGHT than a DIVING SUIT and it's the last line of defense for the TEAM. He does suggest you try to not die again though, because now that he's aware that you're in danger he won't be able to pull the same trick again.

18/11/14
"==>"

Lawyer tells everybody to hold it. According to his CONTRACT, Lawyer must be notified prior to the death of a CLIENT, to ensure the availability of proper LEGAL REPRESENTATION in a situation of mortal peril. He demands that the last attack be thrown out, so that the terms of the CONTRACT can remain unbroken.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

You have died.

18/11/14
"==>"

Oh. This keyboard just controls the door over there.

Well, that sucks.

18/11/14
"==>"

The automated door unlocks with a quiet click and swings open.

18/11/14
"==>"

You weren't bluffing.

18/11/14
"==>"

That's unfortunate.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

You tell Diver to back the hell off because you're armed with a keyboard and you have no idea how to use it. Take one more step, and you'll turn every key, press every knob, and click every screen on this thing, wrecking the sensitive equipment keeping the COOLING REACTOR ZONE intact and setting off every alarm in the process. You're no engineer, but you'd wager that a computer in a high security room like this has an incompetence activated self-destruct. If it doesn't, you'll just make one yourself. That's the great thing about incompetence activated self-destructs: they can be added to any delicate system by mashing hard enough.

You ask how lucky Diver feels.

18/11/14
"Mash buttons on that keyboard!"

You're not giving up yet, not while you still have one last bartering chip at your disposal.

18/11/14
"==>"

Clippy might be on to something. If Diver hits you again, you're as good as dead, so you better make these last few seconds count.

18/11/14
"==>"

You miraculously survive with a single HP. This armor just saved your life again.

Unfortunately, it offers no protection against Clippy's passive-aggressive advice.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

The WALL OF SOUND has a critical flaw: it attempts to stop a Diver.

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots echo Diver's crash, creating a WALL OF SOUND.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask the Bot in Black what it's doing all the way over there.
It says that it prefers its legs to be in a functional state, which means staying the hell out of the way of the rampaging Diver.
You say Diver?

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots get into place. Well, all but one.

18/11/14
"Tell the robots to repeat anything they hear immediately, including things said by other robots also just repeating things they herd."

You tell the other contingent of robots to repeat any noise they hear immediately, including what other robots say. It should generate such a massive sound force that it will knock the RHINOCEDROID clean out.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Tell robots to catch Diver when he lands and tie him up for interrogation."

You tell the robots to split into two groups. You instruct the first group to stand where the A.I.NOCEROS is going to be crashing down, so they can catch and detain it immediately.

One of them asks how that's going to work. You say you have a plan for that.

18/11/14
"==>"

The bot in black apologizes, says it thought you were throwing another party.
A second one asks what is the point of a combat chassis made out of woven strands of plant and/or animal byproduct when there is perfectly serviceable polycarbide alloy engineered right into their shell?
The bot in black asks with what is the point of partying in a combat chasis made of stainless polywhatever alloy when there's woven strands of plant bits lying around?
Second one asks when did it even have the time to put that thing on?
The bot in black asks when did they even have the time to land on this floor before Diver if Diver started falling first?

You should probably tell these robots what to do or they'll spend all day bickering.

18/11/14
"==>"

They recognize you and your suit, and snap to attention. They await orders.

You would give them, but the robot in the middle distracts you. You ask what's with the suit?

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots are drawn to the loud noise and shamble towards the opening in the ceiling.

18/11/14
"Can we get a shout out for the bots in black?"

Wrangling this RHIBOTCEROS is going to require backup. Lots of backup.

Those robots seemed as alright as robots could be, wires and all. You give them a SHOUTOUT, which is more like a BRRRTOUT.

18/11/14
"Guards: Look at each other. It's going to be one of those days."

The guards wake up, unsure of what just happened. They must have blacked out during the party. They're at least thankful that the robots have no tradition of pulling pranks on passed out party-goers. Well actually, the closest thing would be the robot tradition of murder on sight.

Which is odd, because these robots seems stuck in idle mode, just staring around at everything. Whatever happened at the party last night must have fried all their circuits. The guards agree that this is just too weird for the two of them. There's no telling how long the robots are going to be in this state, so they best get the Captain in on this while they still have the chance.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer thinks he's helped enough in this sector. Other members of the GUILD are calling for aid.

18/11/14
"==>"

Guess not.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer asks problem?

18/11/14
"Diver: Suddenly shoot up through the floor, grabbing Cartographer on his way up."

Diver fails miserably. Diver doesn't think it's possible to change course and grab somebody else without crushing them to death. At least, when going these speeds and when going straight up.

18/11/14
"Cartographer and guards: be sitting up at the top floor, waiting for Trumpeter."

Cartographer is too busy talking and the guards too busy sleeping to be busy waiting.

Crashing the party has left all the robots in the room gazing vacantly like, in the words of Critic, "a herd of cold metal cows with half the intelligence and none of the flavor". Cartographer makes a note to find other robot processes to interrupt to create the same dazed state.

18/11/14
"==>"

Looks like the RHINOCEROS was part TECHNOLOGY, like some sort of RHINOCERBORG. Had you known you probably wouldn't have tried directly interacting with it.

The force of your DANCE backfiring has sent the creature flying to the floor above. Establishing trust and TAMING this creature is going to be even harder now.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

Shhh shhhh. Only dancing now.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: It means he's offering to dance with you! Hold his hands and begin the artful movements across the floor. This is the most appropriate time to do such a thing."

Of course! You accept the invitation, you wouldn't want to be rude.

The RHINOCEROS' hand movements become more erratic as you approach.

18/11/14
"Diver: use Manual Communication"

Fascinating. The RHINOCEROS has stopped snorting as loudly, instead performing a series of intricate motions with its arms. This behavior must be unique to this particular species. What could it mean?

18/11/14
"==>"

You are now Trumpeter.

You find yourself face-to-face with a breathtaking creature. You're not quite sure how it ended up here from the BIOLOGISTICAL FIELDS, but you're not going to complain. Well, you might complain a bit about how it charged you without warning, but thanks to your ROBOT ARMOR you managed to survive that so no harm no foul.

As well versed as you are with ANIMALS, you're not quite sure what species this is. Its heavy, thick grey hide, its use of ramming attacks and its snorting behavior indicates to you that it must be some breed of RHINOCEROS.

Naturally, your first thought was to sooth its temper by playing a melody on your TRUMPET. The RHINOCEROS has responded by snorting loudly at you, most likely attempting to establish its territory and dominance. You take a step back, to show respect to the mighty creature.

18/11/14
"Diver: Remark on how beautifully muffled that song was and how you blissfully could not hear it."

You breathe praise to the Trumpeter, and breathe further compliments to his highly skilled playing style.

The Trumpeter seems nervous.

18/11/14
"==>"

The Trumpeter has recovered much faster than you expected. You're not sure what game he's playing at by playing such a lovely song for you.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Play as loudly as possible."

Your tranquility is interrupted by a beautiful, thundering brass tone.

18/11/14
"==>"

Your head suddenly feels significantly quieter, as if over half the voices in your head just vanished.

You appreciate the tranquility. Looks like everything is getting back on track again.

18/11/14
"==>"

Just have to keep your head in the game.

18/11/14
"==>"

You try to get yourself back on track and task. You pull up your UI, and take a look at your QUEST LOG.

Looks like you're just about done here. You need to cut that last POWER CONDUIT before you think about SURFACING. You might have to call it quits on the optional objective. You're pretty sure that there was at least one witness at the party who thought that a deep sea diving suit landing on somebody was out of the ordinary.

You take a look at your OXYGEN METER. It might be near empty, but that should be enough so long as you can keep yourself smart. You estimate ten, maybe fifteen minutes left of AIR before you have to call it quits. You can work with that.

18/11/14
"Diver: Surface for oxygen. Then, dive, so you can go on thinking about everything in your head."


... Panicking about OXYGEN no wait that's not it at all.

SURFACE is just a term you use to mean resting and filling up your suit, there is no locational requirement for it. Well, you would probably prefer to do it in a place that doesn't believe heaters are a myth, but beggars can't be choosers. The trick to it is getting DECOMPRESSED properly, and you meant to explain it more but you were distracted by the shiny table that needed smashing and the body that needed examining.

It all loops back to your hobby of MEDITATION. When you've got a proper handle on your mind (which is to say, not now), you're able to use your inner CALM to do a lot of stuff. At low levels, you can control your consumption of OXYGEN, eventually removing your stress and fully DECOMPRESSING so you can off your suit without danger. Beyond that, there's the higher level arts of ZEN that require significant CALMING to achieve, but the payoffs are huge. Once you get in your FLOW, you can pass through any obstacle like water, and realize your own potential as an UNSTOPPABLE OBJECT and IMMOVABLE FORCE. But to do that, you've got to channel the calm of a glass of tap water and the raging fury of an overflowing toilet.

You were composing yourself pretty well earlier, but then something weird happened after you crashed that party. Your headspace suddenly feels more... crowded than usual.

18/11/14
"==>"

But still, you can't shake this feeling that this Trumpeter and you might have had a lot in common. He clearly appreciated a good METAL SUIT (or is he just a CYBORG?), with a training in BREATH CONTROL and an appreciation for SHINY THINGS. If you weren't on a job, you might've been friends, SPIT VALVE CLOGS and all.

In any case, you've definitely stopped the poor bastard. You can finally start worrying about what you originally came here to do...

18/11/14
"Give him your oxygen"

The Trumpeter?

You hope that won't be necessary. Classic policy says the RESPONSIBLE thing is to just kill anybody who endangers the GUILD, but Cartographer's all changed now. All pacifist and respect for life and junk. Doesn't make the least bit of sense to you given his record. Carty's got enough skeletons in his closet he should consider renting it out as a mausoleum, so what's the worst adding a few more could do?

18/11/14
"==>"

It was a longshot anyway. You haven't heard any other members of the GUILD finding PUKISH YELLOW WAYPOINT CHESTS elsewhere.

Still, OXYGEN TANKS are the most convenient way you know for topping yourself off. Just takes a quick pop with the help of somebody else's hands and you get topped off without the time consuming mess that DECOMPRESSION can be.

18/11/14
"==>"

You breathe as calmly and slowly into the RADIO as you can. You want to be sure Soldier doesn't miss any of this.
Soldier says an OXYGEN TANK?
You breathe noddingly.
Soldier says no luck. He hasn't heard anybody else in the GUILD finding one, nor has any of his REINFORCEMENTS. He screams and hangs up.
Soldier calls back immediately. He apologizes for the connection dying.
You breathe concernedly.
Soldier says these robots have been barely keeping him repelled. He's worried though. He heard one of them shout something about fleshbags thinking they're so great because they can self-replicate. Something more about the machines being able to do that better too. And then he died. Soldier says that happens a lot.
You breathe reassuringly.
Soldier says thanks. And then dies.

18/11/14
"==>"

You forgot all about the WAYPOINT CHESTS. You think you might be able to score an easy OXYGEN TANK. You call up the GUILDMATE who's most likely to know what everybody knows at this given moment. This will unfortunately necessitate "talking" to somebody else. You could really do without that part of teamwork. It's not that you're against coordinating with others, just that you wish there was a way to communicate that didn't involve talking, reading, or the exchange of ideas. You'll be all over that the moment somebody invents it.

Soldier answers and says he's a little busy dying at the moment, he asks if you could waste his time later.
You breathe agreeably.
Soldier says oh crap he didn't realize it was you. He apologizes and says he's dying to hear what you want. Literally.

18/11/14
"==>"

Then over here, you've got yourself a door that leads to more cold stuff, and probably a ladder to take you up some floors. Might come in handy if you decide you needed to crash that ROBO-PARTY a second time.

There's also the surprisingly sturdy table, and hey that looks useful!

18/11/14
"==>"

Port side of the room has a door leading to something not mission critical. From Carty's briefing it's supposed to be some sort of GUARD BEACON. FACILITY used to have them wired all over sectors that were deemed especially important, as a way to quickly communicate across all guards in the FACILITY. Not much use for it now you figure, all the guards you've seen lately have been hitting their expiration date harder than a brick wall hits your face.

There's also the body of the Trumpeter you bumped into earlier. Looks like he's still not over the first impression you left in his skull.

18/11/14
"Look around. Maybe there's a handy OXYGEN REFILL POINT in this room."

Starboard side of the room has a door leading to the last POWER CONDUIT you had to cut in this zone. You're not trying to cause a full FACILITY BLACKOUT, just cut the few important wires here and there for certain critical components. With those down, the rest of the GUILD will be able to slip in deeper into the FACILITY with little resistance.

There's also a CHAIR that probably does some important junk when pulled, and a couple of LEVERS to sit on.

18/11/14
"==>"

You succeed at punching the table.

Hrm. The problem with these exercises is that you're never sure if you didn't calm yourself enough first, or if you didn't punch it enough. You think either could conceivably work for DE-ATOMIZING something.

Your inner FLOW continues to be busted like the plumbing at a rundown taco shack. Like everything else, you guess you'll worry about it later though.

18/11/14
"==>"

You pause and try to get a handle on both the table and how you're about to do this. You've pulled off similar feats in the past with some extensive MEDITATION, but those things were always influences on your own body. You've never tried to apply the ZEN ENERGIES to something else.

You focus your inner calm. Or at least, you try to, but trying to get a glimpse of a peaceful mind is impossible with you yapping about like this all up in your head space. Your head yammering says if you just apply your fist to the table hard enough you should succeed.

18/11/14
"De-atomize table to regain oxygen points."

Huh, now there's an idea. You've never tried DE-ATOMIZING something else before.

In fact, you're not even sure how much OXYGEN one MEDIUM OFFICE TABLE contains in it. You're always down to test your limits though, so you figure it's worth a shot regardless.

18/11/14
"Remove your suit. Retrieve oxygen from room."

Woah hold on a minute there buddy! That's not such a bright idea!

Taking off your suit without DECOMPRESSING first will lead to dire consequences! If you don't go through the proper channels, you'll be in a world of hurt.

18/11/14
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 21. It's time to get up to speed, which in your case is always TEN MILES PER HOUR PAST TERMINAL.

You just crashed a party and escorted a guest as politely as you could. You admit, you've never been one for parties, all the chatting and socializing and expecting you to actually share and express yourself. Always rubbed you the wrong way. So, you quickly excused yourself and a mutual acquaintance and left. A couple of the other guests seemed concerned. They weren't sure whether it was safe for the two of you to leave under the influence of gravity, but you insisted it would be fine. You always DIVE RESPONSIBLY. Other things crash, break and shatter, but not you. You've hit enough things to know that by now.

You look at your passenger. He doesn't seem to be moving. You don't always DIVE with others, but when you do you make sure to hit every floor on the way down. Speaking of which, you've managed to land near the very bottom of the COOLING REACTOR ZONE with that last DIVE. You probably shouldn't DIVE much deeper, as that would put you into the reactor mechanism itself, and that WOULDN'T BE VERY RESPONSIBLE.

Look at you, prattling on. You've got to get a handle on that, you can't spare the OXYGEN to go on about everything in your head. You've still got some work to do before you can afford to SURFACE and fill up again.

What will you do?

18/11/14
"==>"

You have been hit so hard that you are no longer Trumpeter.

Looks like somebody CRASHED the ROBO-PARTY. And then continued to crash several floors deeper into the COOLING REACTOR ZONE. Really went and made a huge mess of things.

This is getting really awkward without a point of view though. Let's find a perspective to anchor to.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

Wait, you told them so?

You ask how Cartographer ended up on the NO KILL LIST. Also, what happened to that obnoxiously loud STOMPING BASS?

18/11/14
"==>"

Another asks if you're telling them to SELF-TERMINATE.
You say that would be a fantastic start!
One of the robots says hold it. There was a NO KILL LIST posted far back in FACILITY HISTORY, stating that the MAP MAKING MEATBAG is to not be fatally harmed.
You say you told them so.

18/11/14
"==>"

More robots start chiming in, trying to call you out. You've been in this situation enough times to know that the best way out is hold your ground with stubborn confidence. Sooner or later, the other side will begin to question which person is the idiot.

One says that you're describing mechanisms not detailed on any of the BLUEPRINTS.
You counter, saying the mechanisms should be on the YELLOWINKS. You change the subject before they can check though, asking them if they really believe everything they read like a bunch of ELECTRIC SHEEP. They've got to think for themselves, question authority, rebel against the machine!
One says but they are the machines.
You say that's exactly the problem. They're the problem, and its elimination is their responsibility!

18/11/14
"==>"

The robot asks what the hell a CONNECTYWEB is.
You scoff. You say a model of your stature should not have to waste time on PLEBOTS like them.
Another robot asks exactly what model are you. You don't have a binary translator and you speak of archaic technology.
You tell them that if they're so cutting edge then you don't have to explain jack. They should be able to use their THINKGEARS to verify that you're right, and if they can't then they're just NONGOOD MACHINEY BITS.

18/11/14
"Say that these fleshbags are needed elsewhere."

It's once again time to save the day with your impossibly high EMPATHY, and the linguistic abilities it confers.

You yell at the robot that these fleshbags are off limits.
The other robot says it wasn't notified.
You say it's showing how outdated it is. There was a list published lately specifying who is to not be harmed by FACILITY staff. You tell them they can download it on the CONNECTYWEB.

18/11/14
"==>"

Well, it worked on the GUARDS at least.

A robot complains that the fleshbags are beginning to enter POWER SAVING MODE, and they if they aren't used soon they'll just expire uselessly.

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots politely laud your performance. One of the robots describes your piece as "producing sound waves". Another one asks whether your BINARY TRANSLATOR is functioning properly. It claims your piece started out coherent, but quickly became gibberish. Another robot says no, that's just what all music is.

18/11/14
"Play music in binary."

You've never had to play for a robot audience before. It's a little bit disorienting: generally you try to RESONATE with your audience as much as possible with your music, but it's hard to do that when you know nothing about who your audience is. Instead, you just string together the most binary piece you can, alternating between playing and not-playing.

You decide to go for a lullaby. With any luck you'll cause them all to enter sleep mode and slip out without a fight.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say yeah, you know a song or two for the TRUMPET.
The robot is impressed. It says your software must be advanced to properly simulate BLOWING INTO SOME BRASS TUBING. It asks if you could treat the robots to a demonstration.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Use powers of SOUND to distort the air around your friends and make them invisible."

While that would help hide your friends for a short while, concentrating that much noise on to a single location would cause significant hearing damage, perhaps even temporary deafness. You'd never harm your friends like that!

One of the robots notices you regarding your TRUMPET. It asks whether you know how to produce music.

18/11/14
"==>"

You hear one of the robots in the corner yell that it found the supplies for the TRADITIONAL ROBOT FESTIVITIES.
Another robot cheers, calling first turn for PIN THE LASER ON THE FLESHBAG.

18/11/14
"Zero one zero zero zero one zero one. Those robots thought it was a good idea, so clearly it should work for you!"

You respond with zero one zero zero zero one zero one.
The first robot asks zero zero one one one one one one?
You say huh?
The second robot says that they're confused with your response. It says that you just said "E".
You apologize. Your full sentence was "it's a mystery". You say it's hard to hear anything over the bass of this song.

18/11/14
"==>"

One of the two robots nearby asks about the host of this party.
The second robot points to you, saying it's the new model that management sent. It says you seem pretty alien, but it supposes all new models get that reaction.
The first robot turns and says that it's a fan of your work so far. It asks if you have any other big ideas for the future of the FACILITY.

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots run off to get their harddrives fragmented. At least, you think that's the term for it.

This is turning out better than expected. Not only have you not been noticed, but at this rate the robots should incapacitate themselves.

18/11/14
"==>"

The other robots are too distracted by the festivities to notice you. Currently they're embroiled in an intense discussion of how to perform a PARTY in a responsible manner. One of the robots shouts that its DESIGNATED DRIVERS are fully operational, and it just updated its INEBRIATION SOFTWARE on its way over. A second robot says that it thought those were incompatible, but the first insists that it's cool and will all work out. Another robot agrees, saying that it's time to party so hard that they'll be purging their system files in the local toilet and have several unresponsive processes come morning time. They all cheer at this motion.

18/11/14
"==>"

If only you weren't in the one room drawing every robot in the area, that would be gravy.

18/11/14
"==>"

Crap. You might be good at THROWING, but METAPHYSICAL CONCEPTS such as a PARTY are pretty tough to aim. Still, that being said, this is one of your more effective PARTIES. You managed to nail the lighting, and the music is pretty good, even if the bass isn't quite thumping properly. Considering this room had neither proper lighting nor sound equipment, you're proud of it.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

HUP!

18/11/14
"==>"

You walk to a better vantage point. You're only going to get one shot at this.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer says that your plan is brilliant. It's a distraction that will draw the attention of everybody who's a problem, won't result in violence and won't cause any alarms to be pulled. He's impressed.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: You can throw anything anywhere, right? Throw a party upstairs to distract the robots."

You tell the others that your gift of THROWING is going to save the day again. You'll throw a PARTY to a room upstairs. It should attract all the robots in the immediate area, especially the ones interested in PROCRASTINATION and COOLER TALK.

18/11/14
"==>"

One of the guards asks if you've heard anything that can help.
You say you think you've got the beginnings of a plan.

> INSERT PLAN

18/11/14
"==>"

There's just one robot mumbling to itself in the corner, but you can hear it just fine. It says solitude processes currently running, and decrements an integer value called TIME UNTIL WEEKEND. It mentions slacker drivers are at full capacity and unnecessary bathroom breaks have been scheduled, specifying that any bathroom break is unnecessary. You're not sure why a robot needs to make that observation to itself.

18/11/14
"==>"

Two other robots are discussing something else in more casual language.

First robot asks how weather is.
Second robot says structural reordering of FACILITY security forces currently successful. Work already underway on proper management creation, and COOLING REACTOR ZONE near top of new leader visit destination list. Leader supposed to be special model, missing some glorious robot elegance but with groundbreaking features unique to new model.
First robot says present time is WORKPLACE BANTER, not CORPORATE COMMUNICATION.
Second robot apologizes. Says weather is NIPPY.

18/11/14
"==>"


Two robots are drinking and having a heated discussion.

The first robot says zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero.
The second responds with one zero zero zero zero, adding one one zero zero one zero.
First robot asks one?
The second robot answers zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one zero one zero one zero one. And furthermore, zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one.
First robot nods and adds zero zero one zero one zero zero one one one one zero one zero. However, zero one one.
Second robot says one zero zero zero one zero. Not only zero zero zero, but also zero zero one. In fact, one could say one zero one one one zero one one.
First robot says there's a near zero chance of that, but one solution will be zero zero one zero one one zero one one zero zero zero one one zero one one zero zero zero zero one.
Second robot says the first is zeroing in on the wrong details by focusing on zero zero zero zero zero. No one could possibly be dumb enough to zero one zero zero one one zero one zero one zero one zero zero zero one zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero.
First robot oneders if zero zero one zero one is a possibility, but nonetheless thinks that their best odds are zero one zero zero zero one zero one.
Second robot says that sounds very reasonable, and that they'll be prepared should it come to that.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say sure, you're all ears on what Cartographer's big plan is.
Cartographer says no, he didn't mean listen to him. He meant listen to the robots. You're the one with the TRAINED EARS, you should be able to pick up every noise around them. You need to learn about your enemy before acting.

So you focus, and listen.

18/11/14
"Cartographer: Navigate around quickly to distract the robots."

You suggest that Cartographer can at least NAVIGATE around the room quickly, causing a distraction for the robots.
One of the guards says that sounds like a great plan for a stealth mission: immediately allow yourself to be detected to avoid detection. No gap in logic there.
Cartographer tells the guard not to be sarcastic, and tells you the guard is completely right. Doing something like that assumes what the reaction of the robots will be, and in this line of work there is no room for assumptions.
You say you don't hear Cartographer coming up with any ideas!
Cartographer tells you to be quiet and listen.

18/11/14
"Navigate all the robots to the same point of space."

You say if Cartographer is so great with all this junk, why doesn't he dispose of them all, like NAVIGATING them all to the same location.
Cartographer says no. He prefers taking people to places, not people to people, not places to people, and definitely not places to places. NAVIGATING multiple objects on top of each other is like setting fire to physics' lawn. It's not impossible, but don't be surprised when physics assaults you in response.
You ask if Cartographer has ever tried just NAVIGATING away after committing LAWN ARSON to dodge retribution.
Cartographer says that isn't the point. LAWN ARSON is the sort of thing that gets alarms pulled. No.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: The robots are technology. You are bad with technology. Touch them."

You say look, they walk on two legs and explode when tampered with, just like any other robot, computer, or ladder you've dealt with in the past. You're pretty sure you can just walk up there, tap one on the shoulder and watch it explode.
Cartographer asks what part of the robot is the shoulder.
You stop and think for a moment, and concede the point. Your past attempts at tampering with technology had the fatal flaw of involving you interacting with technology, and when things exploded it never what you wanted.

18/11/14
"==>"

You ask what Cartographer's problem is.
Cartographer asks if you would mind planning a bit with him before doing something reckless. You got lucky that the robots were too busy panicking last time to ring an alarm, but these robots might not.
You say all the robots are identical models.
Cartographer asks whether you even know what that means. In fact, how can you even tell?

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer says not so fast.

18/11/14
"Get everyone to duck, then use your trumpet to make the robot's lasers fire wildly again."

18/11/14
"==>"

The guards curse under their breath. They can't believe the robots not only have already seized the RECREATION ROOM, but have already resumed the critical operations within.

The guards tell you that to your left is a hub where they can contact every other guard in the FACILITY to coordinate a counter offensive. To your right, the last known location of the HELMET. It looks like this is where you would part ways, provided you can avoid drawing the attention of the robots.

18/11/14
"Guards: Carry Trumpeter up."

The guards are fed up with all this nonsense. They say they'll just carry you up.

They mutter that they should have waited to give you the ROBOT ARMOR until after climbing up to the next floor.

18/11/14
"==>"

Unfortunately, it was about ten years ago. You knew you should have installed the latest version of MACROMEDIA FLASHBACK PLAYER.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: remember that your old music instructor taught you the wondrous power of JUMP. Jump to the next level."

You remember your education. You can almost see the old lecture hall now, crowded with students eager to begin their music careers. You can almost smell the dusty chalkboard, almost hear the BRRRTS of a hundred new trumpeters finding their voices.

You remember it as if it were yesterday.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Attempt to click "Get help with the ladder" but fail due to lack of TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS."

Your inevitable failure with CLIPPY has nothing to do with your lack of TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS. There's no way you can interact with your UI ADD-ONS without a MOUSE. You still haven't met a MOUSE yet to befriend, but you figure there has to be one somewhere.

18/11/14
"Cartographer: Instead of navigating him up, navigate the rest of the facility down."

You specialize in NAVIGATING people to places, not places to people.

Trumpeter puts on his HAT. Says he wouldn't want to forget it anywhere.

18/11/14
"==>"

-balance.

The guard says there's nothing more he can do here. You're a lost cause.

Cartographer says not to worry. There's always more than one road to any destination. He's sure that there's some detour out of this room that will also lead to the HELMET, though it will probably be longer and more hazardous.

18/11/14
"==>"

No, flip the other way! Before you lose-

18/11/14
"==>"

Almost there, just flip around and you'll be golden.

18/11/14
"==>"

No, don't climb up with just your hands! You can keep using your feet to ascend!

18/11/14
"==>"

You're doing fantastic so far. Remember, it's okay to use your hands to help yourself up this particular staircase. In fact, you should try so now to help your balance.

18/11/14
"==>"

Good! Now, act like this is an exceptionally steep staircase. You know how to climb stairs right?

18/11/14
"==>"

One of the guards says to try again. He's going to try guiding you through it. He says he's had some experience training new recruits in the obstacle course.

He says to just walk straight ahead into the ladder, like it was a door.

18/11/14
"==>"

Okay this isn't working.

18/11/14
"==>"

Don't pull your body back, lift your leg so they're at least pointing the same direction.

18/11/14
"==>"

No, with your arms. Not... No, the splits don't enter into this.

18/11/14
"==>"

Good. Now, reach up with your arms to the rung above you so you can start lifting yourself up.

18/11/14
"==>"

Okay, close, but this time try with your foot instead of your hand. That would be the thing attached to your leg.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer says he'll talk you through it.

First, step on to the lowest rung with your foot.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Quickly ask the Cartographer and/or the guards to teach you how to use a ladder. Insist that after they do, they forget this request was ever made."

You say maybe there's a way for you to learn though, and make your rock become a more convincing imitation of a bird. You ask if Cartographer or the guards could teach you how to climb the ladder.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer says that's strange. He can't seem to NAVIGATE you.
You say you understand. There tends to be a lot of performance issues whenever you're involved. You are really bad with TECHNOLOGY.
Cartographer says that shouldn't make a difference, he's the one NAVIGATING.
You say no, that doesn't make a difference. You are just that bad. If skills in TECHNOLOGY were birds, yours would be a rock: it can't fly and when you try, you end up killing other people's birds in the process.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"Tell Cartographer that if he helps you up there, you can keep him safe from the monster."

You ask Cartographer if he could just NAVIGATE you to the top of the ladder instead. You mention that if he helps you out here that you'll help him when it comes time to face the LOVECRAFTIAN NIGHTMARE lurking near the core of the FACILITY.

Cartographer says he won't argue against more help, and starts to NAVIGATE.

18/11/14
"==>"

One of the guards warns you to stop. He says the floor in this room can't take a lot of force, and that if you don't stop it will break apart entirely.

18/11/14
"Play really loudly towards the ground to make yourself float up."

You blow with all your might, but you can just barely overcome your own gravity.

18/11/14
"P5: Use armor's amazing CONDUCTING bonuses to lead GUARDS and "LAWYER" in a beautiful chorus as you ascend the LADDERWAY TO HEAVEN."

Even if this ARMOR did enhance your CONDUCTING abilities, you actually don't know the first thing about being a CONDUCTOR! There's a mile of difference between being good at playing songs and being good at making them, just like being good with animals doesn't mean you can create animals.

18/11/14
"Cartographer: Mentally measure the height of the ladder into the COOLING REACTOR ZONE. React appropriately."

You approximate that Trumpeter fell about three stories instead of taking the ladder in the previous room. He must be sturdier than he looks.

18/11/14
"==>"

You say you took a shortcut. It was painful.
Cartographer is intrigued. He says his mental map of the parts of the FACILITY the GUILD has explored is extensive, and yet it has no shortcut on it.
You say his map doesn't include gravity?

18/11/14
"==>"

Oh. A ladder.

You say that's going to be a problem. You don't do ladders.
Cartographer asks how you even got down here if you didn't use a ladder.

18/11/14
"==>"

The Guards hesitate for a moment. They tell you that it would be wise to just turn back now while you have the chance. Going a few areas deeper means entering the territory of a LOVECRAFTIAN NIGHTMARE that will tear apart any visitors. Hell, even they're not able to go that deep and live to tell about it and they work here.

If you still want to throw your life away, the Guards say that you can reach the last known location of this sector's HELMET by climbing the ladder behind you. They say last known location because there's a possibility that the robots might move it as soon as they claim full control of the area.

18/11/14
"Ask them for information. Any information that's valuable to you. They're guards, they probably know a lot about this facility."

You ask the Guards if they have any other information that could aid you.
They ask what exactly you're here to do.
You say you're on a mission to reach the core of the FACILITY. Any information, especially concerning the location of HELMETS, would be very helpful.

18/11/14
"==>"

You equip the ROBOT ARMOR and notice an immediate boost to your INERTIA. However, while it protects you from damage better, the steel also conducts the outside temperature better. Good thing you won't be traveling in extreme temperatures oh wait.

18/11/14
"A new band uniform. It simply wouldn't do to show up for practice in the one you're wearing!"

You then ask about a replacement for your BAND UNIFORM. Your missing epaulette is throwing off the whole groove of your outfit.

They say that they don't have anything of that sort, but they you can make up for the lost reinforcement by wearing the armor of the robots you slayed.

18/11/14
"==>"

The guards say that the closest FACILITY policy to a funeral is to take the dead bodies to the DECOMPOSITION REFINERY. It sounds like you actually care about this SNAKE though, so it would probably best to do something more respectful to the corpse than that.

18/11/14
"Ask them if they can hold a more proper funeral for your snake"

You ask the guards if they can help with funeral arrangements for a COMPANION. You explain that your SNAKE froze to death in some of the colder regions of the COOLING REACTOR ZONE.

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots are slain.

The guards thank you for your aid. They say that all over the FACILITY guards are being rounded up for termination by the new wave of security robots, and that those who stand against the machines are quickly destroyed in battle. They want to help their fellow guardsmen survive in this fight, but they ask if there's some way they can repay you before they do so.

18/11/14
"==>"

YOU TOO.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

The same goes if you're in their THROW range.

18/11/14
"==>"

Never piss off a GRAPPLER if you're within their GRAB range.

18/11/14
"Throw ROBOGUARDS into their own ROBOBEAMS."

You're going to teach these robots a valuable lesson.

18/11/14
"==>"

Your EPAULETTE gets melted off by the FOCUSED LASER.

You can understand them trying to vaporize the flesh off your face, but you draw the line at harming your prized TRUMPETER UNIFORM.

18/11/14
"Your TRUMPET has a shiny, reflective outer surface, right? Hold it up. It should deflect the beams."

You don't know much about LIGHT, but you do know about SOUND, and they're both waves. You figure what works on SOUND should work on LIGHT, so you try directing your TRUMPET accordingly.

18/11/14
"==>"

The robots begin firing their lasers uncontrollably. It looks like the OPTIC UNITS were a filter preventing them from shooting all the time.

You barely manage to dodge the blasts, and make a mental note to NEVER TRY THAT AGAIN. You better think of something before one of them thinks to look down.

18/11/14
"Use resonance to break their glass eye-pieces."

You use your SONIC RESONANCE to make the robots' OPTIC UNITS incredibly unstable. They immediately shatter.

18/11/14
"==>"

You're so terrible at TECHNOLOGY that you miss, causing some important looking wires in the wall to explode instead. You think there's a good chance some other part of the FACILITY just lost power.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: Use your low tech score to destroy the robots."

Your incredible EMPATHY spurs you into action. They might be guards, but they're still people and you're not going to let them be cut down for no reason.

You walk up to one of the robots. Time to use your talent for being talentless at TECHNOLOGY to your advantage.

18/11/14
"==>"

Some of the other robots in the room seem to take offense at that. The guards are outnumbered.

18/11/14
"==>"

The guard yells that he's had enough of this and they both draw their weapons. They say that they're fine giving their life for the FACILITY, but not to a bunch of no-good SMUGBOTS who took their jobs.

18/11/14
"Call that guard a stinking flesh meatbag, if nothing else it'll be a good distraction."

You THROW an insult at the guards. You slip in a little something extra about how their squishy head processors are too slow and wildly energy inefficient.

18/11/14
"==>"

It looks like there's been some sort of SECURITY POLICY change elsewhere in the FACILITY. Looks like these robot models are to take over for all guards in the FACILITY effective immediately, and as part of that process the guards are being forcibly escorted to some sort of CAREER TERMINATION AND RECYCLING PLANT. The guard with the hat is getting a little heated, saying that if somebody calls him a stinking flesh meatbag one more time he's going to retire in a blaze of broken machinery parts instead of leaving peacefully.

Luckily, nobody in the room notices either of you enter. You've got some time to plan out your next move.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer notes to himself that it looks like PLAYER 21 has been through here recently.

18/11/14
"==>"

You decide to take the point. You can only assume that this Cartographer was the "Lawyer" you were speaking to earlier, but there's no way to be sure because he's not saying anything. It's either that or your TEAM spontaneously made a friend who was instantly converted into joining your cause. That second one is a joke, because that would be impossible.

Unlike the last room, there's a bunch of crap going on here that you can't really piece together everything that's happening in a single glance.

18/11/14
"==>"

18/11/14
"==>"

You know what you must do.

18/11/14
"Oh, go over and help him. That's definitely the less risky move."

You decide that this is the faster way of communicating for the time being. It's a bit cramped in here, and the chilliness would drive you crazy if you weren't always prepared for any sort of expedition. Trumpeter mentions that he followed your advice and was careful to not move from his location since calling you. You're still SPEECHLESS though, and unable to respond.

You spot the LEVER that Trumpeter must have been having problems with.

18/11/14
"Cartographer: Tell him the truth."

You are moved beyond words by this latest song. You decide it's time to come clean, but can't confess over the RADIO because you are now SPEECHLESS.

18/11/14
"Trumpeter: While waiting for "Lawyer" to respond, play the most beautiful music ever."

You decide to bide your time by playing the most beautiful piece of music you can on your TRUMPET. To the untrained ear, it sounds identical to the rest of your music, because people without the proper training are functionally deaf.

18/11/14
"==>"

You are now Cartographer, for the third time in the past five minutes.

This is a bit of a problem for the GUILD. If you do nothing, Trumpeter will give the physics in the COOLING REACTOR ZONE influenza. Unfortunately, PLAYER 21 is also in the CRZ. Fortunately, PLAYER 21 is more than capable of handling a few fitful coughs from physics without trouble.

Unfortunately, physics throwing up everywhere is the sort of thing that even the FACILITY would notice. You can bet they'll send everything they have into the CRZ to weed out any intruders, leaving PLAYER 21 stranded against the full might of the FACILITY. Fortunately, that would leave everything else essentially unguarded, allowing you to accelerate the rest of your plans. Unfortunately, you're not sure if even PLAYER 21 can survive that security storm, and your plan can't afford to lose anybody in your GUILD who isn't Cook. Fortunately, you're pretty sure Trumpeter wouldn't survive either. Unfortunately, you won't be able to keep extracting information out of him if he's DEAD, nor will you be able to enjoy any more of his MUSIC.

Fortunately, neither of those things should change your plans in the CRZ. Unfortunately, even if PLAYER 21 somehow makes it out in one piece, the escalated security will make finishing your work in the CRZ and elsewhere significantly harder. Fortunately, you do have the ability to keep a constant monitor on Trumpeter to keep anything from breaking. Unfortunately, doing so would make you unable to assist anybody else in the GUILD, leaving the rest of your plans vulnerable.

Fortunately, you've got some time to mull this over before making a decision.

18/11/14
"Ask "Lawyer" if he ever had a case about directions"

You ask "Lawyer" if he's had experience in cases involving DIRECTIONS.
"Lawyer" pauses for a moment, and says that he did specialize in CARTOGRAPHICAL LAW for awhile. He asks why?
You explain the situation to "Lawyer", and that if you can't figure out which way is NORTH or SOUTH, you'll pull this LEVER the wrong way and give physics a nasty headcold.

18/11/14
"Consider switching to a better team, maybe one that has a cartographer on it."

You would never leave your TEAM dead in the water, not after all the things you've been through together. The COGNITIVE DISSONANCE would be so crippling it would probably kill you.

Also they have you locked in a CONTRACT that's airtight. Lawyer made everybody sign it before you started this job.

18/11/14
"==>"

You are Trumpeter again.

Your trained ears pick up what sounds like gentle sniffling from the other end of your RADIO. You say hello? Is somebody there?
"Lawyer" clears his throat and says hello.
You ask how he's still on the line.
"Lawyer" says you never hung up, you just blew a loud noise into the RADIO, and he didn't hang up because he would never hang up on an ally in need.

18/11/14
"==>"

Your SAD EMOTIONS cause you to remember your life before the FACILITY, before forming the GUILD. You remember all of your regrets, all the mistakes you've made and the misery you've caused. This mission was supposed to be your one last chance to make things right, but it's already clear your plan is going to fail just like you've failed everybody else in the depressing pile of memories you call your life.

You have an overwhelming craving for ICE CREAM.

18/11/14
"==>"

The song is so stirring that you are now Cartographer.

You lift the RADIO up to your ear so you can hear it clearly. You are so thoroughly entranced that you forget what you were doing and drop your COMPASS. The EMOTIONS wash over you with the overwhelming force of a thousand weeping butterflies, and you feel the grief of losing every pet you never owned because you were too busy to care for a small defenseless creature regardless of how helpless they were or how adorable they looked in various hats.

18/11/14
"==>"

Elsewhere in the FACILITY, Cartographer is preparing to NAVIGATE elsewhere in the FACILITY when he hears a MOVING MELODY from the RADIO.

18/11/14
"Play a funeral song for your snake"

You realize you haven't properly honored your fallen comrade. You play a FUNERAL DIRGE on your TRUMPET, lamenting the loss of such a stalwart ally. You two go way back, and your job will never be the same without your companion slithering by your side every step of the way. You will miss it dearly until you forget that you ever had a SNAKE within about ten minutes.

18/11/14
"List forms of TECHNOLOGY that you are familiar with"

NONE OF THEM. Well, except your TRUMPET, but that's it. To be honest, you severely neglected your TECHNOLOGY stat in favor of some other skills which you had deemed more useful than knowing how to use BASIC TOOLS.

You've already gone over your TRUMPET, crucial to your mastery of both SOUND and RESONANCE, and mentioned your ANIMAL COMPANIONS. Specifically, you have the ability to not only befriend ANIMALS, but have them join you on your quest, granting you boons depending on which one you've SUMMONED at the moment. For instance, your SNAKE was enhancing your TACTICAL ESPIONAGE skill before it froze to death. Your currently living animal friends are a SPIDER, a SCORPION, a BAT and a DOG.

In terms of passions unrelated to your class, you have an invested love of THROWING. You've become quite skilled at it, to the point where you're confident you could throw anything, anywhere. You've recently been looking into BUSINESS, a widely varied field including such skills as HAGGLING, BARTERING, and CORPORATE ESPIONAGE. It's a bit more challenging to do without TECHNOLOGY than THROWING, but you make it work.

But the best perk you got instead of any TECHNOLOGY competence was getting rid of your pesky RESOURCE SYSTEM entirely. You don't care what anybody says, nothing is worse than having to manage your FREQUENCY.

18/11/14
"Do your epaulettes have a wire inside to keep them rigid? If so use that. Yank lever from base and use as compass."

You don't think it would be a good idea with your pathetic skill in TECHNOLOGY to DISMANTLE anything, especially not the critical component to leaving this room. You already break enough things by EXISTING, you shouldn't be actively doing it as well. You have significantly better chances just pulling the LEVER and breaking physics. At least that way there's a good chance you can just break right through the wall into the next room.

18/11/14
"Use sound vibrations to align all the metal molecules in your radio so that they are facing away from the antenna."

You'd really rather not attempt something as complex as that with your RADIO. While you might be able to pull that off, you have no idea what the normal composition of your RADIO is and would be unable to restore it to its default factory-fresh setting. After going through all that trouble to get it back, you don't want to lose it. It was hard enough being cut off from COMMUNICATION for this long, and you'd rather break physics if it means you can keep your RADIO on you.

If you want to keep both physics and your RADIO intact, you'll need to approximate the function of a COMPASS some other way.

18/11/14
"PLAYER 5: Ask SNAKE to retrieve a CARDINAL so you may learn the secrets of its DIRECTIONS."

Your SNAKE has long since died. Calling a COLD-BLOODED ANIMAL COMPANION in a FREEZING SECTOR was not one of your better ideas. It only lasted a few minutes after being SUMMONED before falling to the elements in a pathetic slither.

You could try calling another ANIMAL COMPANION, but the ones you've fully befriended at this point are all too fragile to survive in this ecosystem for any longer.

18/11/14
"==>"

Most of that pain stemmed from not understanding LADDER TECHNOLOGY.

18/11/14
"PLAYER 5: Remember how you entered this room in the first place."

You can't remember how long you've been descending. The COOLING REACTOR is buried deep below the FACILITY, below floors of some of the most varied defenses, obstacles and traps you've ever seen, not to mention it's exceedingly COLDFROZEN in here. Finding your way into this room was a total pain.

18/11/14
"PLAYER 5: Examine contents of TRUMPET."

Your TRUMPET contains your HOPES and DREAMS, your HEART and SOUL as well as some BRASS and your SALIVA.

18/11/14
"==>"

Still, that doesn't make this mission any simpler. You're still completely stumped by this room.

You were actually told about this in advance. You were warned that there would be a LEVER that could be pulled in one of two directions. If you pull it NORTH, it will cause a chain reaction culminating in the total destabilization of the perpetual motion field that keeps the COOLING REACTOR functional, resulting in a breakdown of local physics. If you pull it SOUTH, a doorway forward will open.

You have two problems: FIRST, you don't know which way is NORTH and which is SOUTH, and you're not confident in your luck when it comes to directions. SECOND, you're not entirely sure what a LEVER is or how to operate one. You were never one for all that TECHNOLOGY MUMBO-JUMBO. If you had to guess, you'd say it was that thing in the center of the room, but you've been wrong about this stuff before.

Anyway, you've either got to somehow get your bearings straight so you know which way SOUTH is, or you can take a chance with fate and try pulling the LEVER without knowing. You suppose the net result of a PHYSICS BREAKDOWN might be enough to help you cheat your way forward, but there's no telling what the larger ramifications of such a decision would be.

18/11/14
"Panic and blow your horn into the device."

You improvise. It sounds like whoever was on the other end dropped their RADIO from the sudden noise.

18/11/14
"==>"

Something dawns on you. Lawyer hates using his RADIO above all else. In fact, Lawyer would never offer to call anybody, for any reason. That's when you realize what the alien element of this voice is: RESPECT.

There's no way this voice could ever belong to anybody in the TEAM

"Lawyer" says help will be arriving shortly. He asks if you've got a status report. You fumble around trying to turn off the RADIO. You can never remember how to work these blasted things!

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer calls PLAYER 21. PLAYER 21 answers and breathes into the RADIO.

Cartographer explains that there's a member of the rival group, a Trumpeter, in the COOLING REACTOR ZONE. PLAYER 21 needs to find and stop the Trumpeter before he does something that ruins all of the GUILD's plans.
PLAYER 21 breathes quizzically.
Cartographer says he authorizes any measures necessary. This task has maximum priority.
PLAYER 21 breathes agreeably, and breathes something more.
Cartographer says to tell Critic to show up in person as direct back up. Cartographer would do it himself, but he's got to put a couple things in motion to make sure Soldier survives this next battle in at least one piece. Among other things.
PLAYER 21 disconnects.

18/11/14
"==>"

It sounds like Custodian passed the Radio to somebody else. This voice sounds competent, with an extra edge you can't quite identify. Must be Lawyer.

You tell Lawyer that you think you've gotten into something bigger than you can handle. The COOLING REACTOR ZONE doesn't seem particularly conducive to your skills. Perhaps a place more seasonable, where all the hallways have floors. For the time being, you're lost and out of your element.
Lawyer cautions you to stay exactly put where you are. He says he's sending help on the way, and above all else don't go anywhere if you want to be found. Otherwise, you could be lost forever.

You're not sure when Lawyer started learning SURVIVAL SKILLS. He must have finally listened to your advice and started branching out. Still, there's something different about his voice you can't quite put your finger on. Tranquility? Peacefulness?

Lawyer says he's got to put you on hold for a moment while he gets help.

18/11/14
"==>"

Cartographer says he's sorry about the mixup and that Custodian is very busy at the moment. He asks how he may be of assistance.

18/11/14
"==>"

Elsewhere, Cartographer motions for Soldier to let him handle this. Soldier is free to join himself on the field of battle.

18/11/14
"==>"

You explain to Custodian that this is Trumpeter. You apologize again for not getting in contact earlier, but there was a communication error with some of the FACILITY STAFF who mistook your RADIO for RATIONS. Luckily, due to your skills with ANIMALS, you were able to negotiate the release of your RADIO for a FAVOR.
Custodian says he doesn't care about your idiotic ANIMAL AFFAIRS. What the hell do you want?

18/11/14
"The guy you accidentally contacted is probably a guard of this facility or something. Distract him with Beautiful Tones."

You didn't accidentally contact anybody, and even if you did there's no way you called a Guard. You know the SOUND of a Guard's voice. It sounds something halfway between apathy, incompetence, and bloodthirsty undeath.

The voice on the other end only sounds like mild incompetence and bloodthirsty undeath. Hence, it must be Custodian.

You apologize to Custodian for not responding. You say your attention sort of drifted off again.
Custodian demands that you explain yourself and what you want with him.

18/11/14
"Why do you have a snake?"

Why wouldn't you? No TRUMPETER would ever be caught without a trusty ANIMAL COMPANION. Hell, the TEAM recruited you because of your talent with ANIMALS. Well, not just that talent. You've got a good grasp of the nuances of SOUND, and have MINORED in more side skills than you can count. You'd go into those further, but at the moment somebody is on the line and you don't want leave them hanging.

18/11/14
"PLAYER 5: Use HAT OF AUTHORITY to order SNAKE to play BUGLE."

The SNAKE has no hands!

18/11/14
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 5.

18/11/14
"==>"

Mini-Blunderbuss answers it.

You shout at whoever is calling, asking what the hell they need now, and that your attention is stretched by managing eight different yous. They better have a good goddamn reason for this or after you're done with this sector you'll deal with them next.
You don't recognize the voice on the other end. It stammers out asking if this is Custodian, and wonders how it is you've split yourself into different people at once.
You say huh? Who's Custodian? Who the hell is this? How did they get this line?

18/11/14
"==>"

Your RADIO rings as you head off to battle.

18/11/14
"Reinforcements: Blow robots to bits with grenades."

Unfortunately none of your new reinforcements have grenades. You guess you'll just have to make do with what little you've got.

18/11/14
"==>"

You've had enough of these robots thinking they're so great. Let's see how they handle a proper army.

18/11/14
"==>"

Reinforcements arrive anyway, just not the ones you were going to call for.

Cartographer clears out the area. He knows it's easier for you to call mass reinforcements when you have as much free space as possible. He tells you to go for it and to take back the fight.

18/11/14
"==>"

The laser is fatal. You are dead.

18/11/14
"==>"

One of the robots notices that you aren't dead and decides to summon a laser on your face.

18/11/14
"Call a couple reinforcements"

You're a few arms short of something useful and decide to summon REINFORCEMENTS to fix that.

26/07/13
"==>"

You try to get up to follow, but it's impossible without arms! If the doorway closes, you'll have died several times over in vain.

26/07/13
"==>"

With no opposition left and none being warped in because of your earlier exploits, the robots are declared victorious. A golden path opens to the INNER SANCTUM, where the robots will be welcomed as heroes.

26/07/13
"Fall to the ground and play dead! Maybe they'll ignore you."

Shoot you once, shame on them. Shoot you twice, you're a slow learner. You're not going to wait around to get shot a third time, so you decide to play dead and flop harmlessly to the ground instead. You've never been one for ACTING, but you've died enough times that you think you can pull a pretty good impersonation.

26/07/13
"==>"

These robots make fighting without using arms look easy. You would spend more time admiring their technique, if you weren't the only one of you left standing.

26/07/13
"These robots seem hostile. Throw arms at them. With your teeth."

That's gross and impractical. Even if you somehow wouldn't lose your balance by trying to pick up something with your teeth, your arm would be a horrible weapon. It's not aerodynamic and would be soft on impact.

You have a better idea for an improvised projectile.

26/07/13
"Use walkie-talkie to contact Comedian. Tell him to tell some jokes. Maybe they'll shoot the walkie-talkie instead!"

You attempt to use the RADIO to contact Comedian. If you can get him on the line, maybe the robots will shoot him instead.

Operating the RADIO with your feet is near impossible. You manage to call Comedian, and you get an automated message that he's unable to answer right now do to excessive interference from tunnels.

26/07/13
"==>"

PUN QUALITY ASSESSMENT: SHOT IN FACE.

It's better than Comedian's average, but it still hurts like hell.

26/07/13
"Nothings: Ask the robots if they've seen a HANDYMAN. Consult Comedian regarding PUN QUALITY."

You ask the robots if they could give you a hand and help you contact a proper HANDYMAN. You explain that you've been dealt a lousy hand which has escalated beyond your reach, and now this mess on your hands isn't your usual handiwork and that you can't handle it in your condition. You go on, saying that you can't get a handle on this hands-off approach to combat, regardless of your talent for sleight of hand, and that you can't count on your fingers the ways in which all of this could get out of hand. On one hand, you hate asking for hand-outs, but on the other hand you have no choice but to leave your fate in their hands. You promise that you'll handily and handsomely reward them for handing over some assistance by waiting on them hand and foot. Handbag.

26/07/13
"==>"

It does.

26/07/13
"==>"

He does ask, though, why you would want to leave one of you behind. He thought that was against your policy.

You say that you didn't go through all this trouble to leave this mystery unsolved. You're going to figure out the puzzle of this room, even if it kills you.

26/07/13
"Ask him to help one of you to escape from the trash compactor"

You ask Cartographer if he can help exactly one of you escape from the COMPACTION CHAMBER. He says it won't be a problem.

26/07/13
"Mini-blunderbuss: Become self-conscious about new figure."

All five of your selves become self-conscious. You look away from yourselves in disgust, which proves to be a team effort. How can anybody take you seriously as anything but a street lamp? You've been compacted to twice your normal height and thinness, and you've got no arms.

No wait, you've got arms. That must be another you. Never mind, being tall isn't so bad overall.

26/07/13
"Cartographer: Level 5 GUIDETECH: TALENT SCOUTING."

You inhale deeply and reach out to your comrade. In your mind's eye you see a thousand different career paths unfold for your ally. DELIVERY? No, not quite there. Perhaps GAMBLING? No dice.

You've got it. You tell Soldier his gift is TELEMARKETING. You caution him against FILM or MODELING, either will lead to his unquestionable downfall.

26/07/13
"==>"

Cartographer asks how he may be of assistance. He remarks that you seem to have lost quite a bit of weight since he last saw you.

26/07/13
"==>"

26/07/13
"==>"

26/07/13
"==>"

Elsewhere, in a LEVEL THREE SECURITY TOWER, a member of the GUILD watches for more signs of unusual events. It's a task that requires a sharp eye, as the line between the expected and unexpected in these parts is hard to discern. Some would say it's nonexistent. Others would claim it to be so thick that it blots out the universe.

He's getting a call. Looks like he's needed on the front lines again.

26/07/13
"Who is the computer genius of the group? You must have had someone hack into the security systems to get in here."

Your group has no need for something as hackneyed and specialized as a COMPUTER GENIUS. You call the next closest thing, which would be the ordinary GENIUS in the GUILD.

26/07/13
"==>"

Another wave of robots arrive. The joke's on them, you're already unarmed.

26/07/13
"==>"

Have a nice day.

26/07/13
"==>"

The ROBOTS turn to each other. Because you no longer pose any real threat, there is only one thing left to do.

They thank you for your cooperation, and ask that you fill out the user survey on the official FACILITY website with how satisfied you were with the level of service you have received today. If you have any questions or concerns, call the toll free number and a trained specialist will see to it shortly.

26/07/13
"Soldier: Lay down arms; keep weapons."

You hangup on Critic and Cook and disarm yourselves.

26/07/13
"==>"

The ROBOTS assure you that their DECEPTION DRIVERS are out of date. They say that their directive is to only use force in so much as it will guarantee a resolution to violent tensions, and they promise that once you obey their ultimatum a peaceful state will be reached for one or all parties involved.

You ask Critic what you should do.
Critic says you're probably clever enough to find some sort of loophole.

26/07/13
"How can you trust them not to just kill you after you've thrown down your weapons?"

You tell the ROBOTS you're not falling for their little trick. You'd have to be some sort of idiot to leave yourself defenseless like that.

26/07/13
"==>"

The ROBOT tells you that THE ETIQUETTE OF WAR requires them to issue a PEACEFUL ULTIMATUM. They tell you to lay down your arms or they will forcibly disarm you. You have two minutes to comply.

Critic says that he barely has any interest in the area. He only knows its his hobby because Cartographer told him.
You say what?
Critic says Cartographer's hobby is TALENT SCOUTING. He can probably help you find your hobby as well.

Cook asks whether you could provide more direct assistance.
You say no dice. You can only summon a reinforcement near one of your current locations. You'd have to actually send yourself trekking across the FACILITY, which just isn't feasible.

26/07/13
"==>"

Comedian complains of a splitting headache. He says he didn't sign up for PARADOX-COUNTERING ROBOTS, that he's going through another tunnel, and hangs up.

You ask Critic what his hobby is.
Critic says it's ONCOLOGY.
You try to hold back your laughter. You ask how that's going for him.

26/07/13
"==>"

Comedian tells the robot to listen up. He says there's a man standing in an empty field. Is the man facing forward or backward?
The ROBOT asks if the field is empty.
Comedian says yes.
The ROBOT says but there's a man in it.

Critic asks how you went this long without discovering your own hobby.
You say you guess you're just not a very introspective person.
Critic says you spend all day arguing with yourself. How is that not the definition of introspection?

26/07/13
"==>"

You hand the RADIO to the ROBOT, saying there's a special call.
Comedian tells you he's not doing any favors for someone as stingy as you.
The ROBOT refuses to take the RADIO. It says if it wanted to touch something contaminated by your smelly meatbag hands to listen to smelly meatbag words it would just kill you instead because it would never want to do that.
You hear Comedian yelling that his words aren't smelly. He demands that the ROBOT listen to him.
It says it ordinarily does not engage in equal conversations with lower beings. It will make a smelly exception for your friend on the RADIO, provided you hold it. The ROBOT can't bear to ruin its flawless complexion.

You ask Critic if Cook actually has skill in ARCHITECTURE.
Critic pauses for a moment, then says yeah he's not too bad at it. He's pretty sure that Cook is the only member of the GUILD who has actually put any significant time in their hobby.
You say you didn't know everybody had a hobby.

26/07/13
"Hand one of your radios to one of the robots and say, "It's for you." Possibly get Critic or Comedian on the line first."

What ROBOTS? Oh, right, those. You think you'll let a proper paradox master wipe them out. You call up Comedian on the RADIO, ignoring whatever he's saying, and walk to the ROBOTS.

Cook says at least he has a hobby in ARCHITECTURE. What do you possibly have to offer as a side skill?
You say the whole point of side skills are to compensate for crappy main skills. Because your main skills are sufficient you don't need anything on the side.
Cook calls bullshit. He says everybody has a hobby.
You take that back. You can tolerate having a conversation with him. That's got to be a skill.

26/07/13
"==>"

Is it you or did the world get narrower?

26/07/13
"If that trash compactor's so deadly, how come that skeleton's still in-tact? Just stand sideways and you'll be fine"

You're sort of puzzled by this room, and the FACILITY by extension. They went through the trouble of only providing a highly sophisticated method of entering and leaving the trash compactor, and yet it doesn't look like it can even close its walls enough to crush anything. What's with making the room so secure if it can't even do anything dangerous?

You'll just wait for a way out.

26/07/13
"==>"

Regardless, you pocket the WRENCH. Something in your gut tells you that it might be incredibly important.

26/07/13
"Trash compactor guys; use the wrench and the robot parts to make your own skeleton robot dude, with which to escape!"

You might have all the supplies you'd need to do that, but you don't have any of the knowledge. In order to do something like that, you'd need to have a vast knowledge of both ANATOMY and REPAIRS, and you doubt any such individual exists in the world.

26/07/13
"Trash Compactor soldiers: Look around for possible exits."

You can't find any doors or windows. Must be a trash compactor with teleport only access.

26/07/13
"==>"

More ROBOTS arrive. You would make an observation about how advanced their models appear to be, but the rest of you are distracted by your conversations.

Cook says you're one to talk about usefulness. He says you've been stuck in that chamber for over an hour now and you have nothing to show for it.
You say you have plenty to show for it!
Cook says your own dead bodies don't count.
You say oh. In that case he's right.

You tell Critic you're just joking. It would take more than a single prank call to send you into a homicidal rage.
Critic says he'll pass the word to Comedian then.

26/07/13
"==>"

He's going to pay for that. It looks like he teleported you to some giant TRASH COMPACTOR.

26/07/13
"==>"

The Engineer tells you to count faster.

26/07/13
"==>"

You aim your weapons at him and say you're not in the mood for any shenanigans. If he doesn't step away with his hands up when you count to three, you'll shoot him.

One.

26/07/13
"==>"

You arrive in somewhere deeper in the FACILITY. It looks like this is where the ROBOTS were being manufactured.

An Engineer mutters that this was not part of the requirements document.

26/07/13
"==>"

The spawn point activates.

Critic says he's not telling you. He knows better than to facilitate murder in the GUILD.
You promise you won't hurt Comedian. Sure, your gun might, but that can't be helped.

Cook says sometimes he thinks that his GUILDMATES don't respect him.
You say whether people respect Cook is completely separate from how useless he is.
Cook asks you think he's useless?
You say useful. You said useful.

26/07/13
"==>"

Rifle and Mini-Blunderbuss load themselves on the spawn point.

Cook says Critic isn't very helpful either. When he asked Critic to tell him about his strengths, Critic just laughed and then hung up.
You tell Cook he should try again. Maybe things have changed now.
Cook asks like what?
You say maybe Critic is a better liar.

You tell Critic that Cook made him laugh. That's got to count for something.
Critic says oh. He thought you meant useful skills. You should probably chalk up the mustache and the tendency to get knocked out as well.
You say that's still more than what Comedian does. You ask Critic if he knows where Comedian was assigned.

26/07/13
"==>"

You ask Critic whether Cartographer would be mad if you shot Comedian.
Critic asks why you keep falling for his PRANK CALLS. It's so easy to avoid them too: just hang up when you hear Comedian's voice.
You wonder how much Cartographer would even miss Comedian. It's not like he provides any services that Cook doesn't already cover.
Critic says Cook provides services?

Cook says that's not very helpful.
You tell Cook that if he wants a positive inspirational speech that he should talk to Critic.

26/07/13
"==>"

Cook asks what he should do.
You tell him the solution is obvious: don't screw up.

You tell Comedian that Cook was assigned to the ENTROPY INTENSIFIER CENTER, and you swear that if Comedian claims that he's actually in some sort of ROOM TEMPERATURE ZONE you'll send a REINFORCEMENT to shoot him in the face.
Comedian says he can't quite hear you and asks you to repeat yourself.
You tell him to stop stalling. You ask why he's been wasting your time.
Comedian says the signal must be breaking up because he's driving through a tunnel right now. There are some poorly imitated static noises, and then he hangs up.

26/07/13
"Obviously the problem was that you all didn't cover ENOUGH of the spawn points. When you finish with these bots, cover up the new one with AS MANY OF YOU AS POSSIBLE."

Clearly you didn't put enough strain on the spawn point. You just need to load more things on it.

You ask Cook what's wrong.
Cook says he's worried that Cartographer is going to DEMOTE him.
You ask how he got that idea.
Cook says he's been assigned some crazy solo mission in the ENTROPY INTENSIFIER CENTER, and that Cartographer told him he'll be demoted should he fail.

You ask Comedian what the hell he's doing.
Comedian says talking on the RADIO, duh.

26/07/13
"Contact CARTOGRAPHER to see if he assigned COMEDIAN to the HEATING ZONE."

Your RADIO rings before you can call Cartographer. Cook is on the other end.

Cook asks if you could help him with something.
You tell him to get in line.

Comedian asks if you're still there.
You say yeah, you were just busy talking with somebody else.
Comedian says this is exactly the problem he was talking about. How can the GUILD have an atmosphere of trust if everybody is having secret conversations with each other?

26/07/13
"==>"

After all, any asshole can win by following a flawless strategy. It takes real skill to ignore those strategies and still come out on top.

You gain +5 REINFORCEMENTS for defeating the ROBOTS.

You thank Critic.
Critic says anytime.

26/07/13
"==>"

Critic tells you to shut up he's not finished. He says sloppy tactics have never held you back from victory in the past, and there's no reason they will now. You're the only person he knows that will instruct half a squadron to hold petty conversations rather than have them provide covering fire. You have no chain of command, no clearly delineated roles, and you smell bad. And yet, despite what should be crippling flaws, you've never failed in battle. The ability to make such staggeringly stupid decisions and still win can only exist in the most powerful of fighters.

26/07/13
"==>"

He says the very notion that these robots could even beat you is a disgrace to notions everywhere. The only thing FACILITY built robots are good for is dieing uselessly. In fact, you're so much better than them that you're better at that too. When it comes to senseless casualties and unnecessary sacrifices, there's nobody better than Soldier. He says he's seen you call in reinforcements that ended up murdering the rest of you on arrival, only to order more reinforcements to use as human shields. You are the king of piss-poor resource management, and its up to you to show them how its done.

You tell Critic you don't think he's helping anymore.

26/07/13
"==>"

Critic says it's not even a matter of personality. These robots have a response time of a comatose cow wearing a blindfold in the middle of winter. On average it takes these robots a good five minutes after exploding to realize that they have died. Hell, with your training you can kill somebody in seven different ways with a bowl. These robots don't even know what a bowl is or how to pick one up.

26/07/13
"Critic: Critique soldier through phone positively to balance soldier versus ADAPTION JUICE HIGH ROBOTS."

Critic says you've got this in the bag. You're a goddamned one-man army, and you're objectively better than these ROBOTS in every possible way. Unlike some stupid ROBOT, you don't get confused if you find a turtle on its back in the desert. You also don't explode when asked a question and you at least have some sense of color coordination. Honestly, blinking lights on dull grey metal? Is it possible to have a design more devoid of personality?

You can feel your stats rise. You coordinate a counter-attack.

26/07/13
"==>"

A ROBOT stomps you while you're distracted. They're more aggressive than the trash cans they were modeled after.

Critic asks why you're so interested in everybody's assignments. He wonders whether you might not have enough work.
You say you're plenty busy getting your ass handed to you by these ROBOTS.
Critic says he can help with that.

26/07/13
"Contact Player 21 to see if he/she really is in the COOLING ZONE."

You attempt to call PLAYER 21 on the RADIO. Predictably, there's no response. You're not sure what you were expecting, since PLAYER 21 rarely hears the RADIO when it goes off.

Comedian asks where you're getting your information from. You're not on the line with somebody else again are you?

26/07/13
"==>"

The ROBOTS charge in for a fierce attack!

Critic apologizes. Turns out there was a sector called the HEATING REACTOR ZONE. That is, before it just got renamed the ENTROPY INTENSIFIER CENTER. He thinks that's probably his fault.
You ask if anybody has been assigned there.
Critic wants to clarify your question. He says, you're asking if anybody has been assigned to the sector that, five seconds ago, didn't even exist under that name? No, he says, nobody that he knows of. But then again, Cartographer is ridiculously fast at handing out new assignments.

Comedian asks if you're talking to Critic right now. If so, he highly urges you to disregard anything he says, especially pertaining to imaginary problems encountered in the course of taking the LEVEL TWO SECURITY TOWER. He reminds you that Critic has always been jealous of his ridiculously powerful EMPATHY.
You say you were partially mistaken. It turns out that there actually is a sector matching Comedian's description.
Comedian says really?

26/07/13
"==>"

Better jack up the adaption juice on the ROBOTS.

26/07/13
"==>"

Elsewhere, much deeper in the FACILITY...

An ENGINEER notices something strange on the teleport pad. Looks like there was something on it from the other side.

Is that... A soldier? What in the blue blazes is going on up there?

26/07/13
"==>"

The next wave appears. They seem... taller. You're not sure how a height boost is supposed to help them adapt. In any case, clogging the spawn point doesn't seem to have changed anything.

You ask Critic if anybody's been assigned to the HEATING REACTOR ZONE.
Critic says that sounds like a bullshit sector name. If the FACILITY had something like that, it would probably be called like, the ENTROPY INTENSIFIER CENTER. A name like HEATING REACTOR ZONE is not nearly needlessly complicated enough for the FACILITY.

You tell Comedian that there's no such thing as a HEATING REACTOR ZONE.
Comedian asks how you knew that. Err, he says wait he meant how did you get the impression of that fact that's not entirely accurate.

26/07/13
"==>"

One of the spawn points activates.

You ask Comedian what the problem is. As he just said, he's incapable of catching fire.
Comedian says that's the problem. If he can't catch on fire his SUBTLE HUMOR is not going to be effective at all. Being the only thing in the room not roasting is the fastest way to draw attention.

26/07/13
"Double-check the room to make sure all the spawn points are effectively blocked. You didn't miss one, did you?"

You're nothing if not thorough. Unless there's a spawn point on the ceiling, there's no way you missed anything.

You ask Critic what he's up to right now.
Critic says he's watching the security cameras, lending assistance through careful CRITIQUE of what he sees playing out. His specific focus is on PLAYER 21 in the COOLING REACTOR ZONE. His problem is he can't think of any PRAISE that would help the situation.
You say hold on. You didn't know somebody had already been assigned to the COOLING REACTOR ZONE.

You ask Comedian why he's lying to you. He was never assigned to the COOLING REACTOR ZONE, PLAYER 21 was.
Comedian says uh-oh. Did he say COOLING REACTOR ZONE? He meant HEATING REACTOR ZONE. Yup, that's what he meant when he said you'd need to be on fire the whole time you're there. Because it's so hot. From all the fire.

26/07/13
"==>"

You've never successfully pulled a prank on yourself. One of these days you'll catch yourself off guard.

Critic appreciates the futile effort.
You ask Critic why he's calling you specifically.
Critic says you're the only conversationalist worth talking to who also answers their RADIO.
You say thanks you guess?

Your EMPATHY gains +4 from the CRITICAL PRAISE.

26/07/13
"Pistols: Entertain Critic with a prank call to Rifle."

You tell Critic you have an idea that might entertain him. You open a CONFERENCE CALL with Rifle.

26/07/13
"==>"

It's not uncommon for you to be in contact with multiple members of the GUILD simultaneously. In fact, in times of trouble you've acted as a GUILD-wide memo system for Cartographer, since you're the most reliable way to collect information from multiple sources at once, and can also effectively distribute assignments just as efficiently.

You answer your second RADIO. Critic is on the line.

You ask Critic why he's calling. You tell him you're in the middle of a couple things.
Critic says if it's only a couple of things he won't bother you much. He says he's just bored.
You ask Critic if he's ever been entertained.
Critic says he was once. It was horrible. He asks what you're up to.

You ask Comedian why he's even on assignment to such a cold sector of the FACILITY in the first place. Wasn't he in the middle of some sort of stealth mission to infiltrate the LEVEL TWO SECURITY TOWER? You ask what happened with that.
Comedian says he's done with that now. He says there might have been a small hiccup, not that you need to know. In fact, there was no hiccup. The GUILD is definitely in possession of a LEVEL TWO SECURITY TOWER. Yup. Nothing less, nothing more.

You wonder what's taking the ROBOTS so long to start the next WAVE.

26/07/13
"==>"

You tell him that's circular logic.
Comedian asks how that's a problem. By what you said, a circle is a 2 dimensional object so this is all perfectly reasonable.

Another one of your RADIOS starts ringing.

26/07/13
"Dispatch these robots, then move the blocks on the floor so that they cover the spawn point. They will teleport in inside the blocks, which will either kill them, or cause horrible horrible consequences!"

The CARE PACKAGE is still covering one of the spawn points, but you get to work covering the rest of the spawn points.

You explain to Comedian that he doesn't get a favor for recruiting you to save the world. In fact, as you recall he was begging for your help. He's the one who owes the favor here.
Comedian says that's preposterous. His favor for that favor was getting you a spot on the GUILD. In exchange for that, you owe him a third favor.

26/07/13
"==>"

The REINFORCEMENT arrives in a CARE PACKAGE.

The ROBOTS are slain. You gain another +5 REINFORCEMENTS.

You ask Comedian what you could possibly owe him.
Comedian says he was the one who referred you to the GUILD. You wouldn't even be here without him and you owe him a favor for that.

26/07/13
"==>"

You tell him that's too much of a hassle. You can't afford to split any of your forces right at the moment.
Comedian says you can't bail on him now. You still owe him.

The ROBOTS begin powering up another laser strike. You call in another REINFORCEMENT to replenish your ranks.

26/07/13
"==>"

Grenade is slain.

Comedian asks if he could help by yelling profanity into the RADIO to double your firepower.
You ignore him and ask where the sector is.
Comedian says it's in a room that's very cold. He says it's in a hallway with doors on both sides. He's pretty sure that the hallway has a floor but that he's not making any promises about that.

26/07/13
"==>"

SHIIIIT!

26/07/13
"==>"

Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit.

Comedian says what?

26/07/13
"Ask Comedian how the heck you're supposed to get any of yourself to where he is. You're not the NAVIGATOR, and it's not like you can summon your REINFORCEMENTS wherever you want... er... can you?"

You ask how you're supposed to get yourself over to where he is. You can only call REINFORCEMENTS to one of your current locations.
Comedian says he honestly didn't plan that far ahead. He was expecting you to hang up on him by now.

26/07/13
"==>"

The ROBOTS fire. Minesweeper dives out of the way just in time.

You ask why he can't do this himself. Couldn't he set himself on fire and run through, healing himself with LAUGHTER before he dies?
Comedian responds with three reasons. First, he doesn't want to ruin his suit or hair. Second, he doesn't have an INVENTORY to hold the fire. Third, he doubts setting himself on fire could be milked for any substantial amount of MIRTH, let alone enough to sustain himself as it happens.

26/07/13
"Hmm... did the robot's defenses get stronger, or their lasers get weaker? Get a robot to fire a laser."

Minesweeper attempts to draw their fire with a flurry of highly offensive insults. You're pretty sure he insinuated that their mother was a photo copier and their father ran on AAA batteries. You are pretty sure of this because you are Minesweeper and you remember coming up with those insults yourself.

Comedian says that just because you lack the mental capacity to imagine such things does not make them conceptually impossible for everybody.
You ask him to describe to you an object that exists in -4 dimensions then, if he's so sure he's more imaginative than you are.
Comedian says not to change the topic. He wants to know what time he can count on you to show up and help.

26/07/13
"Is the dude with the grenade dead if so reinforcements. If not get up slacker. Also ask Comedian how exactly a sector can be colder than absolute zero. Then start singing a musical number and try to convince the robots to join in. "

Grenade stands up and reports for duty.

You ask Comedian how there's a sector colder than absolute zero when such a temperature is impossible.
Comedian says the only thing that's physically impossible is for the FACILITY to give a shit about what's physically possible.
You explain that a temperature colder beyond when all molecular motion has stopped is conceptually impossible. Trying to imagine something that would fit that description would be the same as trying to imagine a -4 dimensional object.

You consider asking Comedian about weaponizing MUSICAL NUMBERS to destroy the ROBOTS and decide against it. The last thing you need is for them to get an early immunity to that as well.

26/07/13
"==>"

The next wave of ROBOTS warps in. Either you're losing track of time again or the waves are beginning to have less downtime between them.

You tell Comedian you're not flammable in the sense that you don't die immediately when set on fire. It's more of a rapid burn followed by an extended period of twitching, which is then followed by death.
Comedian says that's perfect. He says he's got you down for entering a sector that has temperatures as low as -10 Kelvin, so you'll need to constantly be on fire to move.

26/07/13
"==>"

As per usual, you immediately answer your RADIO. It's not like you can't talk and be productive at the same time.

Comedian is on the other end. He asks if you're busy or if you have a moment to spare. He says of course you aren't. He asks if you could help him with this side project he's on.
You explain that you're in the middle of an assignment fighting wave after wave of increasingly powerful opponents.
Comedian says that's wonderful and he's marking you down for accepted as you speak. Says it shouldn't be too bad at all. Just to be sure, he asks how flammable you are, on an arbitrary scale of 18 to asbestos.

26/07/13
"==>"

You get a call on your RADIO from one of your GUILDMATES. Probably somebody looking for a favor.

26/07/13
"==>"

If all it takes to qualify something as a LANDMINE is that it exists on land and can explode, then the minesweeper itself probably qualifies.

For destroying enemies on the field of battle, you gain +5 REINFORCEMENTS. They're automatically added to your reserve.

26/07/13
"Try maneuvering around them in such a way that they blast each other."

26/07/13
"Turn minesweeper to its highest setting and scramble the robots targeting sensors."

Minesweeper turns his weapon ON and applies it directly to the forehead.

The scan indicates that the ROBOTS have all the properties of a LANDMINE.

26/07/13
"==>"

Yourself.

26/07/13
"Have any REALLY long range weapons?"

You have one.

26/07/13
"==>"

Looks like they're adapting to ranged weapons even faster than expected.

26/07/13
"==>"

The next wave of ROBOTS arrive. You wonder what they've adapted to now.

26/07/13
"==>"

A Minesweeper arrives. At least it's more useful than the BACKPACK Knife originally arrived with.

Your REINFORCEMENTS METER decreases slightly, but you've got plenty to spare.

26/07/13
"How can you get reinforcements?"

You aren't sure about how reinforcements work beyond the basics: REINFORCEMENTS appear when they are called. The specifics of their appearance, their method of arrival and their weapon are erratic and random. You gain additional REINFORCEMENTS every time you kill something.

Knife demonstrates by calling a REINFORCEMENT.

26/07/13
"Appoint each SELF a unique WEAPON. Employ DISMEMBERED BODY PARTS if necessary."

What's with you and desecrating corpses today?

You propose that each one of you identify yourselves with your WEAPONS. Instead of thinking about coordinating Soldiers of a common mind, think of coordinating a group of weapons.

Rifle, Pistols, Knife and Grenade report for duty. They all immediately agree that your HIVEMIND can continue to refer to yourself directly as your thoughts have no reference to whoever thought of them, and trying to track something so pointless would drive you to mass suicide. You will just use these names when referring to your individuals individually on an individual basis. That might sound convoluted, but you promise anything is better than your current model.

26/07/13
"==>"

You all pick 5.

Fuck.

26/07/13
"Just number yourselves."

You instruct yourselves to each pick a random number between 1 and 10, which will then be your designated number.

26/07/13
"Loot DEAD SELVES. Claim valuable HEADS."

You loot the KNIFE from your dead body. You don't claim your HEADS because you already have your HEAD.

26/07/13
"So what do you normally do with bodies after they die? You must do something, or you would be incredibly easy to track down."

You don't have a default plan for dealing with your dead bodies. You just go with whatever is the most practical or convenient use for them, and at worst you call Cartographer and ask him to dump the bodies somewhere discrete.

26/07/13
"==>"

You butt in against yourselves and say this hivemind thing is a massive pain in the ass to keep track of when everybody insists on going by the same name. You demand that you adopt some sort of structure so that you can at least be certain of who said what and who thought what. Not being sure who is responsible for which thoughts and statements got old since always.

26/07/13
"==>"

You ask where the hell your thoughts were when the heads of the ROBOTS stopped exploding when they were being glanced at. Oh that's right, you had all of you thinking about various farm animals grazing peacefully in a field. Because that's what you should be thinking about when you're in a life or death situation.

You say that you weren't then one thinking about that, it was clearly you and yourself.

26/07/13
"==>"

You say your train of thought is ridiculous. The rate of adaption has nothing to do with how quickly the ROBOTS are being wiped out, and if you used grenades two of you wouldn't be dead right now.

26/07/13
"You should've brought grenades."

You DID bring grenades. However, you've all held off on using them.

While the ROBOTS and GUARDS were doing a laughable job adapting to each other, the ROBOTS have been successful in adapting to you near immediately. It only took about three waves before they totally wiped their weakness to being SPOKEN TO, and their attacks and armor have gotten significantly more powerful. You're afraid that if you resort to your heavy fire power too soon, you'll speed up their adaption process and you'll be shit out of luck.

26/07/13
"What are you even doing? You're not PTSDing again, are you?"

You were assigned to the LIVE FIRE PROTOTYPE TESTING ZONE by your LEADER. This is where the FACILITY develops its security features, namely in GUARD and ROBOT varieties. The FACILITY uses this area to try to keep their units on the cutting edge by pitting the two varieties against each other in a battle royal. Each time one of the teams is defeated, the templates are adapted to the cause of the defeat. To encourage both sides to fight as hard as possible, if a single team destroys a large amount of waves, it's permitted to go free in an INNER SANCTUM of the FACILITY.

You've exploited a glitch to keep the GUARD team from spawning and have taken their place instead, with the goal of surviving enough waves to enter the INNER SANCTUM in their stead. After fighting a few waves you're convinced that this design method resulted in feedback loops which in turn resulted in the laughable security designs. For instance, somehow the GUARDS never knew about the ROBOT weakness to BEING SPOKEN TO, and the ROBOTS in turn couldn't figure out how to respond to the heads of GUARDS transforming into various LETHAL CREATURES (not to mention their bodies persisting on as ZOMBIES).

As for PTSD, your mental affliction is a little stranger. Professionals have best described it as a case of SINGLE PERSONALITY DISORDER. All of you share a common HIVEMIND, but there isn't so much unity as there is endless bickering against yourself. You resent that statement and say that if you would just listen to yourself you wouldn't be in this mess. You say interrupting yourself mid-paragraph is very distracting and you can't remember where you were.

26/07/13
"==>"

You say you're one to talk. You're the one who wasn't keeping your rifle on the ROBOTS. Honestly, how did you expect you to defend yourself with a KNIFE against HUSKS OF STEEL?

26/07/13
"==>"

You remind yourselves that not everyone of you needs to drop battle awareness every time you get a new idea. You say one of you getting killed isn't not going to hurt you anytime soon, and you better shape yourselves up or more of your bodies are going to follow.

26/07/13
"==>"

26/07/13
"==>"

OUCH GOD DAMMIT.

Getting killed never stops being painful.

26/07/13
"Are you... GENERAL? SOLDIER?"

You are a BATTLE-HARDENED SOLDIER, a member of the prestigious GUILD. Your talents encompass killing others and getting killed, and not necessarily in that order. You have been aptly described as an ARMY OF ONE by your peers, a description that is not entirely without merit.

In fact, one might say that it is entirely with...

26/07/13
"Wave to the camera."

You wave at nothing in particular.

26/07/13
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 23.

26/07/13
"==>"

As you leave, you wonder what the other PLAYERS in this FACILITY are up to. It can't be much worse than the COMMERCE SECTOR.

26/07/13
"==>"

It's a good thing Doorman was just bluffing about the RED DOOR being locked. At this rate you would have killed or incapacitated somebody in every store.

26/07/13
"==>"

You decide it would be best to ditch Guard Captain here. Partners will only slow you down in the long run, and you don't want to be bogged down in any more LAWSUITS just to keep your cover up.

26/07/13
"Well, if you put the statue in front of the door, that'd hold him for longer, I think. Probably better to go it alone - too many unknowns otherwise."

Your INERTIA is far too low in this form to move a Statue. You never invested points in INERTIA because it's such a useless stat.

Strength is for the weak.

26/07/13
"YEAH, ADVENTURE! ... what were we doing again?"

That's right, you were on your way out of here. At this point you honestly don't care where in the FACILITY you're heading to, so long as it's further away from the FACILITY's maximum security prison than STANDING IN IT.

However, before you walk through the RED DOOR to relative freedom, you recall that Guard Captain is still waiting patiently for you in that brick store. You could go back and get him and leave this place, or you could just leave without him. You weigh the pros and cons.

If you go back for him, you'll need to change back into a LANDSHARK to stay consistent with your cover story, and you'll be stuck with a partner for an extended period of time. However, he wants to take you to the main security database to process you as an employee of the FACILITY. On one hand, that means you'll be far deeper in the FACILITY than even you could expect this soon, but on the same hand you'll also be in extremely hostile territory and far too deep for any help to arrive should anything disastrously bad happen. Not to mention, you're not entirely sure what Guard Captain expects from you after he's got you in the Database, and you have no idea how much longer you can string him along on your cover.

Now, if you leave without him and go wherever, you'll get to stay in a human form and continue to work solo. Plus, there's no telling how long Guard Captain will wait for you, but with any luck he'll be out of play for quite awhile so you won't need to worry about engaging a high-level enemy for awhile. This comes at the price of progression, as the only thing that will be different than when you started is that you're not trapped in a LANDSHARK TANK. Maybe that's all you really need.

If the inner workings of your mind was a democracy you'd put it to a vote. But seeing how that's not the case, you'll deliberate on it for a short while before making an irreversible decision.

26/07/13
"What sort of good lawyer would have such a low amount of evidence on hand? Any good lawyer worth his salt would have mountains of evidence. And, as is present by your stats, you are a good lawyer. Therefore, you must always have 100% evidence."

First off, a good Lawyer (like you) wouldn't be hindered by having a small pool of evidence, and a good Lawyer (like you) would be insulted by such a suggestion. And second, thanks to the Conservation Property of Lawgic, you are unable to create more evidence from a SUIT than what you invested into it, so any sort of infinite evidence scheme is impossible.

26/07/13
"LAWYER: Drop some cases. Be the landshark."

You'd rather not be an aquatic animal again unless there's a good reason for it. You've grown rather fond of lungs.

26/07/13
""Doorman tells you that unless you stop messing around with your RADIO and start meeting his demands, he'll spill your secret and you'll be opening your own store here within the hour." Can you spell lawsuit, with the word extortion?"

That would be your ideal counter, but it seems Statue here got to Doorman before you could. If you ever bump into Doorman again, wherever he is, you'll keep that in mind as a backup tool.

26/07/13
"LAWYER: Continue to forget to dismiss the case against the LANDSHARK from Panel 572."

You continue to do so.

Hypothetically though, if you were to remember that case, you would probably take a bigger concern in your remaining EVIDENCE. More specifically, you have yet to drop any cases and the ones you're taking are piling up. You would see that if you don't jettison something soon, you could end up in deadlock, or worse, just dropping everything at once. You would immediately lay out exactly how things are being allocated and efficiently determine what can be cut without undermining your current situation.

All hypothetically, of course.

Now, where were you heading again?

26/07/13
"Lawyer: Use a STATUTE to stop the STATUE in his place. (Perhaps one that mandates statues not being able to move for fear of fines?)"

You cast a new LAWSUIT on the STATUE. You specify that as a statue is by definition inanimate, Statue should not be able to move from its current location.

It resolves successfully.

That was boring.

26/07/13
"LAWYER: Call the DOCTOR."

No.

Your policy of "no RADIO calls when busy" extends both ways. You don't want anybody wasting your time, and you certainly don't want to waste any of your time yapping to somebody else on your RADIO. The thought that you could ever need to call for help is laughable. You can't remember whose idea it was for everybody to carry a RADIO, but you didn't approve of it.

26/07/13
"Backpacker: By the way, after all that CONTROL you have exerted, how much WEIGHT does your BACKPACK have?"

You attempt to pull up your UI, but it's so heavy from your extended WEIGHT meter that you can no longer lift it to the screen.

26/07/13
"==>"

Oh. That's why.

What the hell is the Statue doing in there? And where did Doorman go? Does this mean the deal is off?

26/07/13
"Do me a favor and spin around in a circle with your arms out. Please?"

For reasons that aren't entirely clear to you, you spin with your arms out. You wonder why Doorman's been so quiet suddenly.

26/07/13
"==>"

There's nothing unusual here.

26/07/13
"HE MIGHT BE BEHIND YOU!!!"

That's just the hat store you came from.

26/07/13
"==>"

You could have sworn there was a statue in that fountain.

26/07/13
"LAWYER: Ignore current plight and help that giant stone man that's tripping into that pool of water."

There's nothing there.

26/07/13
"==>"

Doorman says you've got to have a dozen different ways to break him out of his cage at this point. Whatever method you choose, just be sure to stand about five feet in front of it. He stresses this point, that it's absolutely critical for you to stand at that location. He says just to trust him.

26/07/13
"==>"

You let him know that his demands are impossible for you. There's no way you're going through the trouble of escorting him wherever he wants to go. You have an appointment to make in the core of this FACILITY, and you can't afford to get sidetracked by some idiot's errand. Doorman snaps at you for calling him stupid.

You tell him that his talents begin and end at opening doors, and the fact that he finds this simple task so complex that he can devote his life to it shows how limited his mind is. Hell, he's so low on the corporate ladder that he shouldn't even be in the damn building. You also remind him that attempting to blackmail a lawyer is a ridiculous proposition, as any lawyer worth his salt (such as yourself) can undo him with a single argument.

Doorman asks why you're having so much trouble with the RED DOOR system if you're so smart. Additionally, if you're such a genius, why are you so intent on pissing off the one person here who's specialty is getting anywhere he wants in the entire building? He shouldn't be blackmailing you, you should be begging him for help. After all, you both seem to be headed to the same place: the core of the FACILITY.

26/07/13
"Listen to Doorman's demands. Let's see how we can twist things around here."

Doorman carefully outlines his demands. He says first and foremost, he needs you to break him out of this cell one way or the other. Afterwards, he'll require an escort to lead him to a destination of his choosing. He reserves the right to modify the terms of the agreement at any time.

26/07/13
"BACKPACKER: Continue having that all under control."

You do so.

26/07/13
"==>"

Doorman asks if you're even paying attention. You put the RADIO on hold. It will be easier to handle these things one at a time.

26/07/13
"==>"

Custodian asks who the hell you're talking to. He says you better not have blown the TEAM's cover so soon. You ask how you could have blown the TEAM's cover when Custodian was the one who was captured ten minutes within getting in the Facility. Before Custodian can answer you also say you thought the three of them were in the middle of some life or death struggle against some security measures. Custodian says that Backpacker has all that under control.

26/07/13
"The inevitable: happen."

The inevitable continues to happen.

Doorman tells you that unless you stop messing around with your RADIO and start meeting his demands, he'll spill your secret and you'll be opening your own store here within the hour.

26/07/13
"Get out POCKET DICTIONARY. You might need to look up "inevitable" for future reference."

Implying you'd ever need a dictionary is insulting. What good is a dictionary when you can change what words mean whenever you feel like it?

Also you're pretty sure Chef used it as an ingredient in some sort of "Alphabet Stew" or something.

26/07/13
"==>"

Chef asks if you're sure you understand what the definition of "inevitable" is.

26/07/13
"==>"

Doorman asks if Guard Captain knows about how good you are with LAW, or that you're trying to pull a fast one on him.

26/07/13
"==>"

Chef asks you just what the hell you're up to anyway. You say that you were searching for an easier way to traverse the FACILITY than collecting HELMETS for the RED DOORS. You explain that you've managed to infiltrate the FACILITY, to the point that the Guard Captain is convinced you are a specialist hired to sort out some top level conspiracy or something important. Chef asks what your backup plan is when that inevitably fails and you're exposed as a fraud. You say you don't have one, because that's not going to happen.

You hear somebody call out to you. You look up.

26/07/13
"==>"


You ask how you could possibly be causing as much trouble as Backpacker who doesn't even look at Chef's so-called MASTER RECIPES. Custodian yells that at least Backpacker pulls more than his own weight in a jam, unlike you who vanishes at the first sign of trouble leaving him to clean up your messes. You hear Backpacker in the background ask if they're talking about him. Custodian tells him not to worry about it and focus on destroying everything that isn't dead, on fire, and nailed down. He says okay.

26/07/13
"==>"

Chef turns on his RADIO and joins the conversation. He says you have no room to talk about responsibility, when you're always diverging off of his carefully planned RECIPES. You ask why everybody else gets to improvise but you. Chef explains that when he improvises he doesn't alter the fundamental laws of reality. You're not so much improvising on a few spices as you are cooking an ommelette and deciding to make shark-fin soup in zero-G instead. You tell him you're allergic to fish. He says he knows, he's still bitter about you suing him.

26/07/13
"==>"

You ask him where he is anyway. He tells you he, Backpacker, and Chef are currently in the VENTILATRIUM, as scheduled. However, because of a certain asshole goofing off, all the security measures are still fully active and they're in a desperate struggle against hordes of cold, heartless bastards. This certain asshole is you by the way. He just wants to be clear, since he knows that you have trouble understanding people unless they speak slowly and repeat themselves often. On account of you being an asshole. You tell him he has you confused with PLAYER 5, and ask why he isn't giving PLAYER 5 trouble about this.

Custodian says that PLAYER 5 lost his RADIO again and has been impossible to contact. You ask about PLAYER 2. Custodian says why not try calling PLAYER 2 yourself oh wait you're allergic to communication. You remind Custodian that you're allergic to fish, not communication. You add that he can't whine about poor communication skills when he's the one who interrupts people mid-sentence when he interrupts you to not change the subject. You explain that you can't be held responsible for them getting ahead of schedule. He says that they're not ahead at all, they were scheduled to be where they are at this moment always at this moment. You explain that them being on schedule is them being ahead of their normal schedule, and there's no way anybody could expect them to be responsible for once.

26/07/13
"==>"

Custodian tells you to shut the hell up. He says that's a stupid policy and you're stupid for suggesting anything other than getting every last penny's worth out of these RADIOS. You ask him if he thinks RADIOS are so important why he isn't using his own RADIO at the moment. He tells you to shut up because he's not done yelling at you.

26/07/13
"==>"

You answer the RADIO and say you thought you made it clear you were not to be called.

26/07/13
"==>"

You use LAW to get yourself into a form better at holding objects to your face.

26/07/13
"==>"

You decide it's best not argue the point.

26/07/13
"Tell him that someone must have discreetly placed a bomb in your stomach, and you all have to run and hide right now while you try to defuse it. When they are all out of sight, answer the call."

You inform Guard Captain that there's a bomb in your stomach that was placed in your stomach by some adversary years ago, and you need to reset the timer on it. Guard Captain asks why you haven't just gotten rid of the bomb instead of keeping it with you. You say that you found it came in handy as a contingency plan: if you somehow died during an investigation to a cult assassin, or worse yet went insane from a dark god, you'd have the bomb in your stomach backing you up. Guard Captain asks how a bomb that kills you could ever save you. You say the only way it would go off is if you didn't rest the timer, such as if you were dead or stuck explaining the mechanics of it to somebody who just wouldn't let you get on with your business.

Guard Captain says that sounds reasonable. You tell him he and Shopkeep should get out just in case you fail and explode. Guard Captain asks why they're the ones who need to leave. He points out that one of his many duties is to make sure scumbags like Shopkeep never leave their cell. He tells you to get out instead.

26/07/13
"==>"

Somebody on your TEAM calls you before you can celebrate your new useless skill. You thought you told them to never call your RADIO when you're busy, which is always. Always is also how often you question the decision to carry a RADIO with you. Even if they were having an emergency worth calling you over, it's not like you're in the best position to answer at the moment, what with being a shark and standing next to a person trained in murdering anybody that looks like they might be an intruder. You have to find a way to answer without being suspicious.

Guard Captain asks why your stomach is ringing.

26/07/13
"==>"

You tell Guard Captain your theory. You mention that neither of you actually tried checking to see if the RED DOOR was locked to begin with. You bet Doorman was trying to trick the two of you into some convoluted escape plan to break him out of here.

Guard Captain is impressed by your investigative skills, and says that the FACILITY choose wisely when they discreetly hired you. He says he can't believe how foolish he was, and vows to never fall for a paper-thin story from a suspicious individual ever again. He apologizes for his disgraceful display of vigilance, and promises to strike down the next person he sees that tries to pull a fast one on him. Whatever, your disguise and cover story are ironclad.

Your skill in INVESTIGATION is now LEVEL ONE! You've learned YELLOW TAPESTRY!

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: Realize that the guy whose door you are trying to unlock is probably some sort of maximum security prisoner, and not a doorman like he originally told you."


The revelation that this is a prison brings to mind a more horrifying reality. You deduce that the COMMERCE SECTOR must be some sort of high security prison, a special ring of hell where the inmates are forced to live out the most inhumane punishments. For most, it's owning and operating a small business. For Doorman, it must be being trapped in a small glass cage, put on display and made powerless to watch others walking in and out of doors beyond his control.

You wonder what he could have possibly done to piss off the administration of the FACILITY so damn much.

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: Realize that all of these people are here because of your skills in LAW."

You can't realize something that isn't true! It doesn't make sense for the people you've smacked down with LAW to appear in the FACILITY'S prison. You tend to use LAW for more creative things than PRISON TIME, and it's not like you're an employee of the FACILITY.

You've had enough regrets about reckless use of LAW today. Poor Landchef's lifeless gaze will haunt your dreams.

26/07/13
"==>"

The shopkeeper isn't surprised by your freakout. He asks Guard Captain whether he's finally free from the COMMERCE SECTOR, and if not he asks how much time is left in his sentence.

Wait, this sector is a prison?

26/07/13
"OH MY GOD THE SHOPKEEPER DOESN'T HAVE ANY ARMS OR LEGS WHAT KIND OF HORRIFIC CREATURE IS THIS"

Eighth, OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING. NINTH THAT'S NOT HUMAN. TENTH WHY ARE YOU STILL COUNTING.

MAKE IT GO AWAY.

26/07/13
"==>"

Sixth, he's looking at you. Seventh... Something about him seems off.

26/07/13
"==>"

Third, you can't physically carry everything in the store. Fourth, all this stuff looks useless. Fifth, what's the shopkeeper looking at?

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: Don't let your battered ram go to waste! Smash through the Guard Captain, grab everything in the shop, and run."

First, your face is more DELICIOUS, not more DURABLE. Second, you know better at this point than to attempt to beat Guard Captain physically. You're dealing with an individual who parried a LANDSHARK that warped a couple feet above his head. If that didn't work, you doubt any surprise attack would fare any better while he's got his guard up.

26/07/13
"==>"

The shopkeeper stares back at him blankly. Guard Captain takes it as a no.

26/07/13
"GUARD CAPTAIN: Introduce self in a manner most courteous and fitting of a proper gentleman."

Guard Captain greets the shopkeeper warmly. He explains that he's here on business to escort a KEY INDIVIDUAL through the COMMERCE SECTOR. He asks whether or not the store has any special discounts for GUARDS or CAPTAINS, and more specifically if any of the discounts are on items that can double as HATS. He explains that he is growing tired of his current hat and would greatly appreciate something new to wear on his head.

26/07/13
"==>"

This store seems perfectly ordinary.

Guard Captain remarks how pleasant it is to walk into a store without a fight immediately breaking out. To you it's not so much a veiled insult as it is a conversational slap in your face. Your now deliciously battered face, but your face none-the-less.

26/07/13
"==>"

For a moment you forgot GUARDS were able to access just about any room in the FACILITY they needed to. That might be useful.

26/07/13
"GUARD CAPTAIN: Politely open door, in a most gentlemanly manner."

That's better. While Guard Captain is confident that he'd be able to knock a door clean off its hinges with a well placed headbutt, he doesn't see the point. As a GUARD, he's able to unlock any door in the FACILITY. Well, at least those with PHYSICAL LOCKS.

26/07/13
"GUARD CAPTAIN: Use own face as battering ram."

No.

Guard Captain has better things to do with his face than that. Try again.

26/07/13
"==>"

Your LAWSUIT batters your face, causing your HP to take a hit. On the plus side, your BATTERED FACE is also at least +27 more TENDER and +42 more DELICIOUS.

26/07/13
"Explain to him that you are a fish, and fish are commonly coated in batter then eaten. You are also ramming the door with your snout, therefore it is a battered ram. As you are obviously attempting to open the door with this battered ram, it must be a battering ram."

You explain that as a LANDSHARK you must legally be at least 50% fish. As anybody familiar with eating knows, fish above land are in their most natural state battered. Your face in particular has also been used as a ram and is 100% fish. Therefore, it must be a battered ram.

You can't quite make the leap from something is battered to something is meant to be used in battering other things though. Battered rams, battering rams... should be close enough.

26/07/13
"==>"

It's locked. Guard Captain suggests that you let him open the doors from now on. He reminds you that, despite the resemblance, your face is not a battering ram.

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: Check out BRICK IN THE WALL."

You suspect an individual well versed in BRICKS would understand how Doorman's booth was put together as well as how to fix it. BRICK IN THE WALL might just be what you need.

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: Check out BRICK in the WALL."

You examine the BRICK in the WALL. You're no critic, but you have to admire the stability of the BRICK, as well as how it manages to stay in uniform with the rest of the BRICKS on the WALL.

Guard Captain dismisses your behavior as "just some Investigator thing" and says nothing.

26/07/13
"What were you doing again?"

You stop to place the most recent events in their proper context. When practicing LAW you need to remember to stop and reevaluate your actions, otherwise you can find yourself in a wig and gown with a kangaroo companion in the middle of the desert faster than you can say OBJECTION.

You are currently in the COMMERCE SECTOR of the FACILITY. You arrived here as part of a CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT, and in the process you became a LANDSHARK. You also arrived with three other LANDSHARKS. BACKSNAPPER became HATSNAPPER and is running the HAT STORE, JAWSTODIAN was shot by Guard Captain, and LANDCHEF became a SEASHARK and drowned on land.

With some quick thinking the clever use of a HAT you've convinced Guard Captain that you're a new employee of the FACILITY. He was taking you to be processed into the system when you discovered that Doorman's station was malfunctioning, locking both the red door and him in his booth. In order to progress you'll need to find a way to get into the booth and repair it, restoring functionality to the door.

26/07/13
"==>"

That went well.

26/07/13
"==>"

You dump the ARM and LEG on Skeleton's desk. You remind him that unlike the first ones offered, these two are not property of A HEAD OF THE COMPETITION. Therefore, they don't violate the AMENDMENT.

Skeleton says that your debt is cleared, and adds that both of you should just get the hell out of his store. He doesn't want to see your doofy LANDSHARK face ever again.

26/07/13
"==>"

You rip off an ARM and LEG from Legislator and drop him on the floor. As he's now minus a LEG, his CLASS has changed to ISLATOR. Islator quickly files a REQUEST FORM to PASS OUT FROM GRIEVOUS INJURY. His form is approved and he promptly checks out.

You're fine with not killing him. You have what you need.

You gain +320 XP for the UNORTHODOX CLOSING STATEMENT. Your TASTE for HUMAN LIMBS has gained a level.

26/07/13
"==>"

Guard Captain drubs you on the head with his BATON. He reminds you that violence is not how FACILITY EMPLOYEES resolve their grievances with one another, and if you have a problem with that he'll beat you to death with your own legs.

26/07/13
"Screw this. Rip off the LEGISLATOR's arm and leg and use THEM to pay the debt."

The time for words is over. The time for jaws and gnashing of flesh has just begun.

Legislator screams. Seems like he wasn't expecting the shark with a briefcase to actually act like a SHARK. You almost feel sorry for the poor bastard, except that he's still a bastard.

26/07/13
"==>"

Legislator concedes this point to your favor, but adds that if you insist to continue such negotiations he is issuing a 745 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDIT fee for each verbal statement you wish to direct at him. He asks if there are any further questions.

26/07/13
"You didn't actually borrow the arm or leg yet, and therefore don't yet owe more than an arm and a leg. Therefore, you have not yet borrowed facility materials, and the amendment is not invoked."

You point out that all of these ridiculous punishments and fees are meaningless as he canceled out your argument you were using to borrow the ARM and LEG to pay the debt with. Because that LAWSUIT never happened (as evidenced by that EVIDENCE remaining unused), you can't be held accountable for any of it.

26/07/13
"==>"


Legislator doesn't give your LAWSUIT the chance to resolve before countering with another AMENDMENT: the LAW effects all equally, regardless of one's chronological position along the timeline. Furthermore, a lack of knowledge about a future LAW does not permit breaking it, and will only levy an additional TEMPORAL INCONVENIENCE FEE of 126 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDITS plus applicable tax and PUNITIVE FEES for damage incurred by the FACILITY as a result of your reckless and unforgivable behavior.

You are free to mail any complaints you might have to the FACILITY'S P.O. BOX along with the proper PROCESSING FEES and SIGNED AUTHORIZATION, and you will get a response within 3-5 EONS of the FACILITY receiving said complaint.

26/07/13
"As it was made ex post facto law, The amendment Has no bearing on the current situation."

You point out that Legislator's AMENDMENT was passed after the terms of this specific debt were laid out and paid. Therefore, it can't retroactively affect things before its enactment. It's a simple LAWSUIT but it will make everything this windbag says pointless.

26/07/13
"==>"

Legislator immediately AMENDS the contract between you and Skeleton, specifying that the ARM and LEG have a worth of 457 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDITS, and that borrowing any items from A HEAD OF THE COMPETITION will incur an additional 457 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDIT convenience fine, in addition to an ITEM SECURITY WAIVER and OBJECT EXISTENCE WAIVER which both need to be signed in triplicate in addition to a standard processing fee of 23 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDITS. Failure to do so in a timely manner within ten minutes ago will result in additional fines and punitive measures to be determined at either Skeleton's or Legislator's convenience.

You'd contemplate suicide right about now if you wouldn't have to take a number and wait three hours in a queue for the paperwork for an SELF-INFLICTED DEATH APPLICATION.

It's your move.

26/07/13
"==>"

A LEGISLATOR of the FACILITY appears is a flash of RED TAPE. How uncharacteristically convenient.

26/07/13
"==>"

Skeleton says he's sick of people thinking they can pull a fast one on him on account of his skin condition. He counters your LEGAL maneuver with one of his own: LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF THE DEAD. Skeleton explains that DEATH and TAXES are the only two things certain in this world to get along. He decides it's time you meet a friend of his.

26/07/13
"==>"

Skeleton asks what the hell you're doing. You explain that you're paying off your debt. He says that there's no such thing as paying off a debt with stuff that belongs to the other person.

You remind him of the fine text that he never specified that you couldn't borrow an ARM and LEG, only that when an ARM and LEG were returned to him would the entire debt be gone. It's not your fault he never put a concrete number on how much an ARM and LEG were worth. Maybe if his brain hadn't been decaying for years he would've been more careful when dealing with a savvy shark like yourself.

You end up exerting a bit of EVIDENCE on this point. Before your debt completely vanishes Skeleton yells for you to hold it.

26/07/13
"He has given his word, binding him to to "wipe the whole debt clean" once you give him the arm and leg. This does not specify which debt, which means that it must apply to your entire debt to the store. The debt for taking the arm and leg must therefore also be wiped, as well as any other shopping you do before you pay the arm and leg. Remember, any ambiguity in the contract falls in favor of the one who didn't 'write' the contract. So get shopping!"

Now that you're free of that HAT, you can spot loopholes once more. You grab an ARM and LEG and your taste for HUMAN LIMBS continues to develop.

26/07/13
"==>"

The skeleton tells Guard Captain that the broken table brings the debt up to 457 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDITS. The skeleton says that he'll be willing to wipe off a portion of the debt for a replacement table, as well as for anything to liven up the interior of his store. Alternatively, he'll also accept an ARM and a LEG and wipe the whole debt clean.

Guard Captain says that the two of you might need to leave the store to retrieve some of these items. The skeleton says he'll allow it, but if you try to run out of the SECTOR without paying the bill he'll notify the people down in ACCOUNTING RESOURCES. Guard Captain promises that it won't come to that.

26/07/13
"Ask about alternate, less deadly payment methods."

Guard Captain informs the skeleton that you are an essential asset that the FACILITY can't afford to lose right now. He asks about less fatal means of payment.

26/07/13
"==>"

You crash and break one of the tables. Your head feels unburdened. You realize that the CRITICAL PARRY must have knocked your HAT clean off. You are now in the proper dress code for COURT and can perform LAW once more!

26/07/13
"==>"

Guard Captain steps in the way and PARRIES with his baton. He tells you nobody is getting mortally wounded on his watch.

You try to answer back that it's not fair to count mortal wounds on skeletons. You quickly discover trying to talk with a mouthful of baton is challenging, and gurgle smartassedly at him instead.

26/07/13
"Lawsharkestigator: Snap his skull in two with your powerful jaws."

Ordinarily, you would try to avoid direct, physical confrontation. Ordinarily, you would not be able to snap a skeleton in half with your jaws. You suspect there is a correlation between the two.

You lunge at the skeleton. Time for dessert.

26/07/13
"==>"

The shopkeeper tells you that the choice cut ARM you're gnawing on will be 14 FACILITY UNIVERSAL CREDITS.

You tell him you have no concept of currency. He says that's funny, because he has no concept of people eating his merchandise without paying and leaving alive.

You tell him you don't follow. You always feel stupid when you're wearing a HAT.

26/07/13
"==>"

Delicious, delicious needs.

You begin developing a taste for DISEMBODIED ARMS.

26/07/13
"==>"

A Landshark has needs damn it.

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: Succumb to your animal instincts. Enter A HEAD OF THE COMPETITION."

You have gone far too long without food and immediately succumb to your appetite. Five minutes without food is like missing ten meals for a Landshark.

26/07/13
"==>"

Finally, there's BOB'S MOTORCYCLE EMPORIUM. Doorman has no idea what they sell there.

26/07/13
"==>"

BRICK IN THE WALL is just... there. Doorman can't remember the last time he's seen somebody actually go in the store to make a purchase. It's been here since the FACILITY was founded and has somehow survived every renovation. If you want just some basic items, it might be worth a look.

26/07/13
"==>"

Next is SNAPTIME, a store belonging to the sole DEVELOPER employed by the FACILITY. Developer can sort out pretty much any problem you have in a timely fashion, and might be worth a visit sometime in the future.

26/07/13
"==>"

Over there is I CAME I BUZZSAW I CONQUERED. Doorman complains that the name's a bit of a mouthful, but if you want POWER TOOLS you should probably check that place out.

26/07/13
"==>"

That's the entrance to BACKBREAKING EXPEDITION. Doorman says they specialize in pretty much anything an adventurer could want for a long journey. He says LANDSHARKS and security guards aren't quite in its target demographic though.

26/07/13
"==>"

The door to the left leads to A HEAD OF THE COMPETITION. Doorman says it's a bit of an unsettling store that specializes in EMERGENCY MEAT RATIONS. He's pretty sure the owner is mentally unhinged.

26/07/13
"Ask where the other doors lead"

While you're transfixed by the runes, Guard Captain asks Doorman what shops are currently occupying the COMMERCE SECTOR.

26/07/13
"==>"

You can't read.

26/07/13
"==>"

26/07/13
"LAWSHARKESTIGATOR: LAWSHARKESTIGATE the STRANGE ELDRITCH RUNES adorning the RED DOOR."

26/07/13
"==>"

The doorman behind the glass yells for attention. Guard Captain asks why the door isn't opening. The doorman explains that there's been a malfunction and his booth won't open and the door is stuck as being closed. He says that you'll need to find some sort of MECHANIC or one who specializes in the MECHANICAL ARTS to fix things up. Also someway to break through the glass would be handy as well.

Guard Captain asks how the hell he's supposed to get all that. The doorman responds that you both are in the goddamned COMMERCE SECTOR and that finding somebody here interested in COMMODITY TRADING in exchange for REPAIRS is your problem, not his. Well, also his problem but he's been stuck in this booth for the past three days now and at this point is too focused on staying conscious through the smell of piss and-

Guard Captain interrupts and says he doesn't need the full mental picture. He turns to you and asks if your INVESTIGATIVE SENSES are picking up any leads on how to proceed or where to go next.

26/07/13
"==>"

The RED DOOR appears to be locked. Guard Captain curses Murphy's Law.

26/07/13
"==>"

He says the higher-ups around here must've finally found someone who can help them out of this nightmare. They must have left you out of the database for your own protection he explains. He says he'll add a dummy profile for you to keep the grunts off your back, and that he'll try to get you on the field as soon as possible before it's too late.

Uhh... Ok. Sure, you'll go with that.

26/07/13
"==>"

Guard Captain stops in his tracks. He gains an air of solemnity and seriousness. He says now he understands why you weren't in the database at all, and why the other guards didn't believe you.

Shit shit shit shit!

26/07/13
"LAWSHARK: Be CTHULHU MYTHOS INVESTIGATOR."

Guard Captain says he can definitely sympathize with that sentiment. He asks what sort of cases you normally take.

Without missing a beat you say the CTHULU MYTHOS is your specialty.

Shit. You should have thought about that answer a bit more.

26/07/13
"You were hired recently, so you may not have gotten in the system depending on the volume of red tape required or, as you believe is more likely due to first-hand experience, the incompetence of this facility's faculty."

You say the first cover story that comes to mind. You explain that you are an investigator hired to examine some security leaks in the facility. However, things went astray when some other GUARDS didn't believe you when you explained your job, and they chased you into a tank where you became a PSIONIC LANDSHARK.

You suspect the reason you aren't in the database is a direct result of the staggering amount of red tape and incompetence to be found in this FACILITY.

20/04/12
"==>"

Guard Captain leads the way out of the HAT STORE. He mentions that afterwards he can help get you out of this PSIONIC LANDSHARK body and back to normal. You say that would be very helpful.

He asks how you started working at the FACILITY and what they hired you to do. He says he'll need this information when adding you into the records and it would be faster for you to fill him in on your backstory as you walk.

Crap. You didn't plan this far ahead. Looks like you're going to have to make this up as you go along.

20/04/12
"==>"

You inform Guard Captain that you are an INVESTIGATOR, and that you have been investigating how you came to inhabit this strange body.

Guard Captain compliments you on your HAT and notes it does back up your story. However, he adds that he wasn't notified that the FACILITY would be hiring anybody of your trade, and that there was nothing in the database indicating you'd be here. Then again, he says this wouldn't be the first time the FACILITY neglected to keep him informed about what the hell was going on.

He says he'll need you to come with him so he can get you formally processed into the system. After that, you'll be free to roam the FACILITY as to your heart's content.

20/04/12
"==>"

Oh that's right. The plan. Landchef and Jawstodian's bold sacrifices will not have been in vain.

20/04/12
"Put on that purple Trilby hat and show him you are an investigator, investigating why you're a landshark and the clues have led you here"

You think you'll try to coast through this problem on your EMPATHY instead. Unfortunately, for this trick to work you'll need to slip on a HAT. While wearing a HAT you'll be unable to cast or drop any LAWSUITS, but you're going to need it for this trick to work.

Meanwhile, Landchef drowns. Or suffocates. Point is he stopped breathing. Well technically the cause of death of a fatal case of no longer breathing. Like, he stopped breathing and then... look, you just can't make heads or tails of most animal biology. Point is he's dead now. It isn't funny.

You forget what you were doing.

20/04/12
"==>"

Landchef ceases to be a LANDSHARK and becomes a SEASHARK. He valiantly flops around trying to get oxygen in the unforgiving HAT STORE ECOSYSTEM.

Oops. You decide it might be safer to lay off the LAW for a little bit.

20/04/12
"You don't have any weapons, so you have... bear hands? And you can... see? Like, out your eyes? It's a stretch, but it might work."

You've never actually been a SEABEAR before, but you're running out of options. It's a little risky, but better than dropping all your cases and going back to square one in that tank with no idea how to get out. You start a new case.

You present the following evidence: you have no weapons, so you are bear handed. You can see, so you are a seaing bear handed individual. Therefore, you are a seabear.

Wait, hold on. You're holding a briefcase, so you're not empty handed. In fact, you have flippers, not hands. You're pretty sure bare-flippered isn't even an expression, and even if it was you're doubly sure homonyms are not admissible evidence. In fact, you're not even sure how not being blind leads into being a seafaring individual!

The chain of reasoning destabilizes. The case misfires!

20/04/12
"LAWSHARK: Have absolutely no plan."

You'll be honest: as much as you like to brag about being prepared for anything, you never quite had a contingency plan made in case you were a LANDSHARK in a HAT STORE being accosted by a GUARD CAPTAIN looking for CREDENTIALS which designate which SECTORS in the FACILITY you should be in. Now, if you were a SEABEAR you'd have this shit on lockdown in twenty seconds flat, but this form just can't juggle worth a damn. In any case, now's as good a time as any to make up something and then fall back on it the next time this happens.

You can see at least three options. You can try fighting and risk getting killed (or, maybe kill Guard Captain and never have to worry about him), you can try running and force Guard Captain to give nonlethal chase, or you can just go with him peacefully where ever he tries to drop you off. Or maybe you could do something completely different and catch this guy off guard.

Better decide quick though. He's looking pretty impatient right about now and might try to break your kneecaps at any moment.

20/04/12
"==>"

Guard Captain approves of his credentials and allows Hatsnapper to stay and watch the shop. He congratulates Hatsnapper on his promotion over Hatter and notes him to be a worthy employee bristling with potential. He says he'll be back soon to buy something and asks if he could hold a few hats for him for when he returns. Hatsnapper responds with some gurgling noises. Guard Captains takes that as a yes.

20/04/12
"Backsnapper: Get behind the counter and start sellin' hats."

Backsnapper presents his clearance in the form of the HAT on his head and the HATTER in his stomach. As a result, Backsnapper is now HATSNAPPER.

20/04/12
"==>"

Guard Captain yells at you and your sharks, telling you that he is forbidden from killing Landsharks unless in self-defense, as such behavior would be more commonly classified as vandalism and he's not in the mood for looking for a new job in this market. As is, however, he lets you know that you lack the proper clearance to be in this sector of the FACILITY and must be relocated. He is prepared to escort you by force if need be, but would really rather not have to go the rest of the day smelling of dead fish. You can sympathize with that last part you suppose.

20/04/12
"GUARD CAPTAIN: Simply "borrow" a hat and be on your way."

Guard Captain doesn't think he can keep his job in security for very long if he starts stealing from the FACILITY, what with stealing being the opposite of his job description.

On the other hand, for apprehending these LANDSHARKS he might be awarded an additional hat discount. Hell, that PSIONIC LANDSHARK that warped them here must be worth at least a 80% discount on its own.

20/04/12
"==>"

Backsnapper's HAT skill shoots way up, breaking his SANITY METER! He now regards all sentient life as potential HAT MATERIAL to be harvested!

Shit. With such formidable HAT powers you're not sure if you'll be able to talk Backsnapper into a more peaceful disposition. As Guard Captain is actually wearing a HAT he'll be targeted first, but you better have a plan ready to go in case Backsnapper's attention goes to you.

20/04/12
"==>"

Guard Captain mutters about how long it's going to take to find a replacement. It's been ages since he got a new hat and it looks like it will have to stay that way a bit longer.

In the meantime he's got to do something about all these damn sharks.

20/04/12
"==>"

Backsnapper has long since developed a taste for HUMAN HATS and thinks Hatter is looking awfully ripe. He takes a bite.

20/04/12
"==>"

Hatter says that he thought he made it clear outside his shop that pets who don't wear hats are barred from entry. Furthermore, he demands an explanation for why the hell these Landsharks didn't apply for an appointment at least two days in advance.

Guard Captain tells Hatter he must be new here, and adds that he better get used to this sort of thing because it's only going to get worse.

Hatter says that if everybody isn't going to follow the "hats only" dress code that they better get out of his store before he removes the need for them to wear hats. The need being their heads. He wants to make sure everybody understands he's talking about cutting off heads and adding to his slowly expanding VENTRILOQUISM SET.

20/04/12
"HATTER: Kindly ask the gentlemen to cease this tomfoolery."

The HATTER can't believe what's going on right now. He asks for everybody to settle the hell down.

20/04/12
"LANDCHEF: Use him as a weapon, then!"

With all else failing, you use Jawstodian as a weapon. A delicious, delicious weapon.

Gotta stay focused on the battle at hand.

God this is so delicious. You begin to develop a taste for CANNIBALISM.

20/04/12
"LAWYER: You saw the murder with your eyes. EVIDENCE."

You use the murder as evidence that Guard Captain is an unbelievable asshole. Since reality already reflects this, your observation changes absolutely nothing.

You'll have to remember to hold a proper funeral for Jawstodian so his family may properly grieve his passing.

20/04/12
"LANDCHEF: Create delicious LANDSHARK FIN SOUP."

You're all for cannibalism, but you don't really know how to cook. Or what cooking is. You and your friends are pretty much borderline retarded, you guess.

20/04/12
"==>"

Jawstodian has been slain.

It isn't funny.

20/04/12
"JAWSTODIAN: Beat the everliving crap out of GUARD CAPTAIN."

CHARGE!

20/04/12
"BACKSNAPPER: Try on various HATS to compare their STATISTICAL BONUSES."

You try on the hat. It doesn't taste very good. These things are silly. You wonder why people wear them. Hey look, hat racks! You've already forgotten what they taste like. You'll probably be here a while.

20/04/12
"==>"

Ordinarily you tend to avoid direct confrontation, but ordinarily you're not leading a pack of murderous crimes against nature.

Oh wait. You remember the rest of your TEAM. You retract that statement.

You decide that before things get any more chaotic you should probably name your followers. It will certainly make commanding them on the field of battle a bit more plausible.

20/04/12
"==>"

The GUARD CAPTAIN PARRIES your landing. You don't even know that was possible.

20/04/12
"Landsharks: Appear on top of other players, crushing them."

Looks like the LAW decided to bring you to the colon of the FACILITY: THE COMMERCE SECTOR.

20/04/12
"Some as-yet-unintroduced player: Decide to open up a hat store in this base."

Guard Captain walks into a newly opened HAT STORE. He hears that it's having a special 20% off discount for GUARDS and a 15% discount for CAPTAINS. He figures a new hat could be just the trick to get his spirits up after dealing with that BREAK-IN at the now LEVEL ONE SECURITY TOWER.

20/04/12
"Lawyer: Lead them to the surface!"

Time to get a move on. You cast a CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT similar to the one you used to relocate the other LANDSHARK.

Unfortunately, part of working with LAW involves having to deal with all the grey areas. For instance, while the LAW will remove you from your current location, you have no great ability to dictate where it should take you instead. But you figure any place that isn't underwater is good enough, and with three LANDSHARKS by your side there's not a lot that can frighten you. Well, there are HAT STORES, but there's no way the FACILITY has one of those. You checked and double checked thoroughly damn it and you would have refused to come along if they had anything of the sort.

20/04/12
"==>"

The other LANDSHARKS quickly praise you as their CHOSEN ONE, PROPHESIZED FROM THE BEFORE TIME OF THE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. Tales of your future exploits have been passed through all two of their generations. They are humbled by your presence.

They damn well should be humbled by your presence.

20/04/12
"==>"

As always, your REDEFINITION is a total success. You gain a boost to your HEALTH with the new body as well as more INERTIA, and your distaste of FISH has evaporated. This comes at the cost of 20% EVIDENCE, as well as a disastrous loss of -715 points in HAIR.

20/04/12
"==>"

Finally, you note that you have legs and have spent most of your life above the water. You are clearly a LANDSHARK.

20/04/12
"shark noun 1. A person who preys greedily on others, as by cheating or usury. 2. Informal. A person who has unusual ability in a particular field. I presume aquatic environs are not your native locale?"

You recall certain definitions. It occurs to you that you could be described as one who "preys on others as by cheating" and more specifically doing so through an "unusual ability" in law. You clearly are a SHARK. You also realize that you sound like an asshole when described in such terms, but if being an asshole is what it takes to get something done you can live with that distinction proudly.

06/07/11
"LAWYER: use class action suit on land sharks"

You decide to help these LANDSHARKS on their quest to get the hell out of your face.

Unfortunately, a CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT won't do in this situation. Those can only effect all the members in your current party, and more specifically the line of reasoning you use has to work for all individuals in that party interchangeably. The only way a CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT could work here is if you somehow became a LANDSHARK.

06/07/11
"LANDSHARKS: Break into a catchy 80's musical number."

You are another LANDSHARK.

Finally! A visitor has appeared! You have been trapped in this awful tank for as long as you can remember (which, for the record, is approximately 20 MINUTES). You and your friends had long since given up hope that you'd ever meet somebody to hear the songs of your lives.

You and your comrades in legs sing your tale of misery and woe, and also of hope. You sing about how you've been trapped in this prison of four walls and how you long to finally venture out to the surface and eat the greatest of shark delicacies: SCIENTISTS.

Your guest is overwhelmed by disgust. Finally, sympathetic ears.

06/07/11
"Lawyer: ...You might want to turn around right about now.."

Welp.

06/07/11
"LAWYER: Analyse your own limited evidence system and find a loophole that makes it less of a bother."

You're not even sure what chain of logic you can use to get to that conclusion. It would probably take an overwhelming amount of evidence and just wouldn't be practical right now anyway.

In fact, you don't understand why you're considering getting rid of the EVIDENCE SYSTEM to begin with. It's vastly superior to any other system you've seen, and so long as you have a chain of logic you can do anything you want. And unlike everybody else, filling it back up is just a matter of dropping LAWSUITS that you no longer need active.

That's your favorite thing about mastering LAW. The more you learn about it, the more you realize how free you really are.

06/07/11
"So how did you get in here, anyway?"

Some people who shouldn't have noticed you noticed you. They called some GUARD LIEUTENANTS and in an effort to ditch them you decided to jump in one of the tanks, only to discover it was filled with water. Now you've got a soaked suit and more godforsaken FISH than you can shake your BRIEFCASE at.

Come to think of it, you're not sure what you were expecting to be down here in the first place. Maybe you hoped that the weird lighting was a sign that the FACILITY was working on perfecting the field of SUBATOMIC RAVE DYNAMISM but noooooo that would be too practical for this place.

03/07/11
"==>"

At least you won't need to worry about any more LEGGED FISH for at least 30 seconds.

03/07/11
"==>"

On the plus side the FACILITY's obsession with adding legs to everything makes your life easier. You cast a LAWSUIT costing 20% EVIDENCE, pointing out a creature with LAND in its name has no business underwater. The LANDSHARK is teleported elsewhere in the FACILITY and will stay there until you drop the LAWSUIT to regain the spent EVIDENCE.

03/07/11
"PLAYER 6: Sue LANDSHARK for IMPROPER LOCATION."

God damn it another LANDSHARK. Of all the things they could've had in this area, why did it have to be FISH?

... Actually that makes sense. You still can't stand the sight of these lungless bastards.

03/07/11
"Shark: head at 3 'o clock; commence plan="eat""

You are a joyous LANDSHARK. You are enjoying the latest tank of WATER prepared for you by your makers.

You turn and spot a tasty morsel. This one is much better dressed than the last two you've seen. Well, one of them seemed pretty friendly. The other... you'd rather not think about.

You forget what you were doing. You begin enjoying the rocks.

Oh look! A tasty morsel. You go to investigate with you teeth and stomach.

03/07/11
"Uh, Player 6, you're kinda drowning/surrounded by the color blue"

Sure, you're underwater, but that doesn't mean you have to worry about drowning. After all, water contains plenty of OXYGEN. You have all the evidence about it in your BRIEFCASE, as well as all the evidence you'd ever need.

This water is one of many ongoing experiments in the FACILITY. They're trying to design water that doesn't refract light. You have no damn idea how that would ever be worth the effort, but whatever.

03/07/11
"Review just how you got here and what your current objective is."

Introductions are in order. You are a deadly LAWYER. Aside from being a class which does not start with the letter C, you have an intimate understanding of the LAWS WHICH GOVERN YOUR WORLD. This understanding is not only limited to laws in the legal sense, but also physical laws and laws which govern fundamental mechanisms that most take for granted. You do not break laws. You exploit them and bend them and find ways around them.

As usual, you've managed to get way ahead of schedule in relation to the rest of the TEAM. So instead of continuing along you've decided to split off from the main path to investigate a few things. Primarily, you're searching for an alternative means of traveling through the FACILITY aside from utilizing the RED DOORS because gathering HELMETS is a pain in the ass. You figure there's got to be some way so many things from the AQUALOGICAL RESERVOIR end up pretty much everywhere else in the FACILITY.

03/07/11
"==>"

You are now THIS ASSHOLE, also known as PLAYER 6.

03/07/11
"==>"

You turn on the main monitor. Who's this asshole?

03/07/11
"Well, time to leave this room, and continue with your mission"

You're not leaving yet. You just finished claiming this SECURITY TOWER. Now it's time to see what you can find hiding out in this SECTOR of the FACILITY. Maybe a clue about what this other TEAM is after.

03/07/11
"Cook: Find an INVENTORY to stuff finished ROBOT SOUP into."

You stuff the soup into your own inventory. Just because you're in the FACILITY does not mean everything needs to be overly complicated. Just everything important.

03/07/11
"Critic: Sing that National geographic song. You know, the one that goes "boom de yada boom de yada" and stuff."

Now this should build up some STARS really fast.

Ba bum... No Ba doom da dum... No its... De yada Bum... Ba.... Da...

Damn it, you can barely remember how the National Geographic Channel theme song goes anymore. In fact, you're not sure if it even has a theme song. You guess you could ask Cartographer about it, he used to be a sucker for that channel before it, in his words, "discovered the space directly above a shark whilst wearing jetskis".

In any case you can't do this. You can't praise the world; it's a piece of crap. That's why you're in the FACILITY in the first place: to fix it.

03/07/11
"Critic: Congratulate GUILD on a job sort of kind of well done, you guess."

While you're on the subject of compliments, you share some thoughts with your GUILDMATES.

"Good job guys! Comedian, you did an excellent job of saying something that I never listened to. Cartographer, your assistance in loading me into the BARREL was greatly appreciated, and Cook's ability to shoot me and dangerous things is uncanny. Oh, and go me for actually dealing damage to him and making him surrender."

You figure it's fine if you brag a bit. After all, you're a member of the GUILD, so anything nice you say about yourself is something nice you're saying about them by association.

Your STARS total at ONE HALF. You've gotta get better at this positive thing.

03/07/11
"Critic: Critique the Robot Soup."

You figure it's time to build some STARS. You decide it's time to say some nice things.

You pay Cook a compliment on his ROBO SOUP. You say it looks at most 83% fatal and that you envy his ability to make anything he finds seem edible. Besides, the ROBO-GUARD will do more good for the world as a soup than as a robot.

03/07/11
"Comedian: brood about Cook's prop comedy! You may have to duel him someday."

You figure it makes sense that Cook utilizes a bit of PROP COMEDY. He sucks at everything else, why would comedy be any different?

It's nothing worth getting into a fight over though. It's be like a professional bicyclist getting in a first with a first grader because he uses training wheels. It's just a cruel way to rub in somebody's face how much better you are than them.

On second thought you'll consider it.

03/07/11
"Group brofist!"

You all celebrate victory the only way you know that's worth the effort. United together, THE GUILD can meet any challenge, overcome any obstacle and destroy any opponent.

Well, technically there are two others missing but getting a good GUILD BROFIST going is very awkward with a full party of six.

Besides, with the fight over now you can keep moving along with your MISSION.

03/07/11
"Cook: Create ROBOT SOUP."

You figure you might as well put the ROBO-GUARD in your BARREL to some use and start cooking up a ROBOT SOUP. Anybody who drinks this soup gains a +540% chance to come down with a mild case of HEAD EXPLOSIONS.

You're not sure how this soup will be any more useful than the trashed ROBO-GUARD it's made from.

03/07/11
"Critic: critique annoying restrictive star system"

As much as you'd love to have a go at the STAR SYSTEM that powers your moves, you can't be NEGATIVELY CRITIQUING anything right now without any STARS. And if you want to CRITIQUE something on the scope of a fundamental law of existence, you'll need FOUR STARS to do it.

In order to gain STARS you need to give POSITIVE REVIEWS to things. And likewise, the potential strength of your POSITIVE REVIEWS is inversely proportional to the number of STARS you currently have. You gain more STARS the bigger the scope your POSITIVE REVIEW has, much like you spend more STARS for a larger scope in a NEGATIVE CRITIQUE.

It's all a pretty nuanced balancing act that people seem to forget is all in a day's work for any good Critic.

03/07/11
"==>"

Cartographer motions for you to lay down your arms. There's no need to attack an opponent who has surrendered. He says that you're SPECIALISTS, not MURDERERS.

Comedian asks "But why can't we specialize in murder?". Cartographer just ignores him. Guard Captain absconds safely.

03/07/11
"Cook: Don't let him get away! Shoot more robots at him"

You're not going to sit idly by while Guard Captain gets away. You load your BARREL with a ROBO-GUARD and prepare to fire.

03/07/11
"==>"

Guard Captain reaches for the door. He says fighting an uphill battle one against four isn't worth it for a lousy LEVEL ONE SECURITY TOWER. He's got more important critical positions to defend. He says he's getting out of here.

... You suppose that counts as a victory?

03/07/11
"==>"

The SECURITY TOWER loses EXP from the CRITICAL BASHING! It loses a level! It is now a LEVEL ONE SECURITY TOWER!

The scope of that CRITIQUE was pretty intense, not to mention the subject matter. You spend one and a half STARS. You won't be doing any more menacing reviews any time soon.

03/07/11
"==>"

The amount of stupidity that went into the design of this area is truly staggering. If the stupidity was a tangible thing you could suffocate at least three horses with it easy. Maybe four if you got creative.

03/07/11
"==>"

Oh what the fuck? You haven't even said anything to them! Do they explode if you just look at 'em funny? A pair of trashcans would be more menacing!

03/07/11
"==>"

And you haven't even touched on these pieces of junk. You want to meet the dolt who greenlighted these idiotic models so you can slap him in the face personally for being so objectively terrible. They're made of one single chunk of metal and their arms don't have proper joints. So all you have to do is run up and fight them as if they're a cow: just tip them over. At least a cow will moo angrily at you. At least a cow has a pleasant coat. At least a cow tastes delicious. At least a cow is a polite dinner guest who understands when it has overstayed its welcome.

You stop yourself there before you get totally sidetracked.

03/07/11
"==>"

And then, what the hell are these red things supposed to be? Who the hell in the FACILITY thought "You know what we need here? Lights. Lots of red lights. Everywhere. On doors, on walls, on treasure chests, on people." Maybe they got a big hundred thousand pack at a warehouse store and are just looking for excuses to use them. Maybe they were a freebie if you buy enough computer screens and then place them in useless locations. Some stores have bonuses like that. In either case, they're functionally retarded and they should be ashamed of themselves.

03/07/11
"==>"


For starters, the computer in this room is set up in the most asinine way imaginable. You note how there are no chairs at the computer despite the fact that ideally the guards would be monitoring the screen at all hours of the day and would require a place to sit. Not to mention the ratio of keyboards to actual screens is way off base. One keyboard for six screens, and no mouse? How the hell is that even practical? Oh, you suppose you could alt+tab BUT THERE'S NO ALT KEY ON THE KEYBOARD SO NEVERMIND. What, were they designing for some asshole with a surplus of keyboards and arms? Who even carries that many arms around with them? You don't know, but you bet they're an asshole.

03/07/11
"Critic: CRITIQUE the room's decor"

Ok. You figure you might as well CRITIQUE the entire LEVEL TWO SECURITY TOWER all at once. It'll be much more efficient than fighting one guard for fifteen minutes.

03/07/11
"==>"

Ok. You get up.

You also note that Comedian gets a CRITICAL MIRTH SPIKE for causing his opponent to injure himself, and Cook gets a meaty boost to INSPIRATION from the big damage flying everywhere.

Yeah, your job is pretty easy, objectively speaking.

03/07/11
"==>"

Guard Captain over there just got the puns now. He facepalms, and by facepalm you mean he pistol whips and bludgeons himself in the face. You CRITIQUE that he took some pretty big damage from that. What a dumbass.

03/07/11
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 22.

You are a harsh CRITIC. You are adept in the art of CRITIQUE, and through this art you are able to objectively quantify the success and failure of those around you. There are some who claim that such matters are mere random chance, but they are objectively full of shit.

You are objectively the most useful supporting member of the GUILD, and with your help any other GUILDMEMBER seems overqualified.

Apart from the fact that you're currently UNCONSCIOUS, you don't feel anything at all. Ever.

03/07/11
"==>"

It's a CRITICAL HIT!

03/07/11
"Cook: player 22 is clearly, and will always be the most important part of every battle- in which he takes part. Stuff him in the barrel now!"

You agree. It's time to help PLAYER 22 the only way you know how.

There is no possible way this can backfire.

03/07/11
"==>"

PLAYER 22 doesn't seem too amused by that. But then again, he's always been impervious to your charms. Keeping him in health is one of the few things Cook is any good at.

You tell Cook to stop standing around and help PLAYER 22.

03/07/11
"PLAYER 22 has to awake, asap! Can Comedian invigorate him?"

You suppose it's worth a shot. You turn over to PLAYER 22 and give the best one-liner you can come up with on the spot:

"Boy, sure seems like you're in CRITICAL CONDITION!".

You've gotten laughs from worse jokes. This should work just fine.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Considering investing in a microphone stand as a weapon. That's not a prop, now is it?"

As tempting and accurate as that might be, it still doesn't change the fact that you can't afford an INVENTORY. If only somebody in your GUILD could be a pack-mule and carry everybody's stuff everywhere with a near limitless INVENTORY. Such a talented individual would surely earn your respect and you'd gladly trade Cook for him any day of the week.

03/07/11
"==>"

Well, you suppose three-on-one aren't too bad odds either.

03/07/11
"==>"

Cartographer NAVIGATES into the battlefield! And he's got PLAYER 22 with him!

It's about time he showed up. This should be a much easier fight four-on-one.

03/07/11
"==>"

Guard Captain DEFLECTS the projectile!

You're getting tired of him blocking everything you throw at him. First the STUPID IDEAS fail, and now the NON-STUPID IDEAS aren't doing much better. You're running out of IDEAS.

03/07/11
"Cook: use barrel to blast robotic carcass towards guard. Make sure the right end points forward."

You think you've had enough of stupid plans for one evening. You suppose they just don't work for you as well as they do for other people gifted in STUPID.

So instead, you're going to just squander this robot immediately as ammunition of dubious quality.

03/07/11
"Cook: Become Robocook."

Why would you ever want to be a robot? Sure, there's the nice bonus to INERTIA, but you gain an additional weakness to PARADOXES and that's not even mentioning that robots can't grow fantastic facial hair!

In fact, it's becoming increasingly evident to you that nobody else in the world seems to be capable of this aside from you. To waste such a gift would be a great loss to the world.

There's got to be a better use for this thing.

03/07/11
"==>"

Furthermore, who the hell does he think he is cracking ONE-LINERS? At least getting shot gave your MIRTH a slight but much needed boost.

Speaking of which, looks like Cook is going to need to get to work soon, because unless your HEALTH and your MIRTH get a raise you're going to be as useless as a CORPSE.

03/07/11
"==>"

Guard Captain says that just because all the guards are down doesn't mean you should let your guard down.

He's still got most of his HEALTH. What the hell is that guy made out of?

03/07/11
"==>"

Maybe if you spent less time reminiscing and more time doing your job you'd have finished before getting shot in the back.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Remember what you were trying to do before you got in this fight."

You remember. You were using SUBTLE HUMOR to sneak into the control room of this specific SECURITY STATION so you could use it for your own purposes. The FACILITY has several stations like this, with each one observing different sections. This one is observing locations the GUILD has either already passed or found a way around. Cartographer insisted that somebody in the GUILD try to take control of it to keep an eye on things. He'll get stressed out if he can't get a clear view of the big picture, even when the majority of the picture is totally useless and unrelated to your immediate concerns.

In any case, it turns out the GUARDS in this area don't have an EDUCATION nearly high enough to be affected by SUBTLE HUMOR, so they spotted you near instantly when you got close. But with them out of the way you can finally start to work.

03/07/11
"Cook: God it's like they don't keep any food in this place! Why'd it have to be robots? Why couldn't you have fought something cookable, like a shark or something! Ugh. Sometimes you wonder why they even brought you along. You don't even have anything on you to heal with... Eh. Maybe grab a robot chassis. Someone might be able to turn it into an oven or something."

It's actually a common misconception that robots are UNCOOKABLE. In fact, very few things are when a CULINARY MASTER such as yourself gets right down to it. Robots in particular are an excellent source of CRUNCHINESS. Unfortunately, CRUNCHINESS is not something the members of your GUILD usually look for in a meal. It's not like you're in dire need of any additional CATERING supplies, and as long as you've got your KNIFE, your BARREL and your INSPIRATION you can make miracles happen.

You'll hang on to the ROBO-GUARD anyway though. It's hard to tell when a useless metal husk will come in handy, and maybe somebody in the GUILD can make something useful out of it. Besides, it's not like Comedian is going to carry it back. He has this strange rule against carrying things with him, saying it goes against his comedic sensibilities or something like that. You think it's an elaborate excuse to avoid investing in an INVENTORY, or even a decent HAIRCUT for that matter.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Claim spoils! There are heads to be looted!"

Ignoring the severely limited COMIC POTENTIAL of a severed HEAD, you refuse to sink to the level of PROP COMEDY. It's the reason you don't have an INVENTORY.

03/07/11
"==>"

That should answer his question. Your explanation leaves him in silent contemplation of why he should reconsider screwing with you in the future.

Once again, Cook stands around and lets everybody else do the heavy lifting but still gains a large boost to his INSPIRATION for the "effort". That could come in handy later now that you're all out of MIRTH.

03/07/11
"==>"

03/07/11
""Never bring a robot to a fistfight.""

The ONE-LINER gives your PUNCH a x1.25 bonus for TOPICALITY, a x1.05 bonus for HUMOR and a +12 bonus for involving the word "robot".

Guard Captain lets his guard down and asks you what the hell you're talking about.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Sucker punch that guy!"

Guard Captain seems too busy being slightly AGITATED to notice you. You sneak up and prepare to unload a signature MEGATON PUNCHLINE before he can react.

The attack will convert all the MIRTH in your bar at the moment of impact into damage, which will then be enhanced by the quality of the COMEDIC ONE-LINER offered up for the attack.

INSERT COMEDIC ONE-LINER >_

03/07/11
"Guard Captain: kick shitty robots."

Guard Captain is getting fed up by these ROBO-GUARDS. He kicks the one with the EJECTED HEAD to see if its still capable of functioning.

Nope! Maybe if he knew anything about REPAIRING he could bring it back. In the meantime it will be approximately as useless as it was fifteen seconds ago.

03/07/11
"==>"

The PUN doubles the damage of your statement, dealing critical damage to the ROBO-GUARDS. One of their heads explodes.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Tell the robots not to feed the elephant. Interrupt any attempts to point out the non-existence of said elephant."

You decide to keep hitting the ROBO-GUARDS while they're down. You order them to never in any circumstances feed the elephant. They try to respond that they don't know what elephant you're referring to, to which you respond that "You know what? It's probably easier to just ignore the elephant in the room altogether."

03/07/11
"Cook + Comedian Dual Tech: Pie in the Face."

There's no way Guard Captain, or anybody, could survive this attack. It is the ULTIMATE COMBO TECHNIQUE... Or it would be, if Cook knew how to make PIES. Come to think of it, you're not even sure how he would make a PIE in a BARREL to begin with.

You should probably focus on combining abilities you know each of you are capable of.

03/07/11
"==>"

The phrase "self-confessed liar" triggers another short circuit, further disabling the ROBO-GUARDS and dealing even more damage.

That wasn't even a paradox that time! The FACILITY should really stop cutting corners on its henchmen.

The GUARD CAPTAIN mutters something about how this happens every damn time somebody says something to them.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Instruct ROBO-GUARDS that GUARD CAPTAIN is the self-confessed liar AND tell them that telling lies is a major offense, so they should beat up the guard captain!"

It looks like Cook can't seem to break through and deal damage. Maybe you can use your charismatic linguistic skills to rouse the ROBO-GAURDS to your aid.

You tell them that the man you were talking about, the self-confessed liar? He's the GUARD CAPTAIN standing right there, and he must be punished.

03/07/11
"==>"

The GUARD CAPTAIN parries and promptly retaliates with his own melee weapon.

Just once you'd like to do something today that doesn't backfire in your face.

03/07/11
"Cook-gangster-tech: bring a fillet knife to a gunfight! Stab that captain, right where it hurts!"

When in doubt, it's good to have faith in your basic tools. Like your trusty FILLET KNIFE. You'll skewer this punk's head in no time.

03/07/11
"Cook: You CANNOT stand for this insult against your mustache. Let's see how intimidated the Guard Captain is after you give him a good pounding!"

That's it. You can stand being knocked out every five minutes, but you draw the line at people making fun of your 'stache.

This uncultured simpleton is going down.

03/07/11
"Cook: Inspect SYMBIOTIC PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM."

It's a hat.

What's wrong with you?

03/07/11
"==>"

Of course, PARADOXES of any class are highly ineffective against GUNS.

The PHYSICAL COMEDY of the situation does raise your MIRTH, as will just about anything that hits you.

03/07/11
"==>"

Success! It's great to see something you do actually work out as planned.

03/07/11
"==>"

The ROBO-GUARDS take a good amount of damage and are stunned until they can figure this one out!

03/07/11
"Comedian: Wit-tech III; Logic Bomb"

You do the first rational thing that occurs to you. It's time to make these ROBO-GUARDS feel the pain of a properly perplexing PARADOX!

You decide to go with a classic line to cripple the bots. You ask them "A man says that he's lying. Was he telling the truth?"

03/07/11
"==>"

... Well, maybe being SILLY just isn't your thing either.

03/07/11
"==>"

The GUARD CAPTAIN reminds you that his companions are machines and don't give a damn about what you had to say. As for himself, he informs you that he simply can't be INTIMIDATED by anybody with such an outrageous mustache. It practically screams "I SURRENDER!".

03/07/11
"==>"

You're pretty proud of that rant.

03/07/11
"==>"

You point out that they seem to be completely ill-equipped for the absolute massacre that will be this cook-off. You say that the two ROBO-GUARDS couldn't raise a soufflé to save their central processing units and the GUARD CAPTAIN probably wouldn't know how to properly field dress a moose if the instructions smacked him on the posterior. Frankly, you suggest that if they aren't prepared to take the heat you're packing that they best get the hell out of your kitchen.

03/07/11
"Cook: be inspired by your teammate to boast harder, faster, stronger."

INSPIRED by the failure of Comedian, you decide to take a stab at this BOASTING business.

You point aggressively at the enemy and shout to get their attention. You begin by asking if they fully comprehend how screwed they're about to be.

03/07/11
"Comedian: I feel as if we haven't been properly introduced."

You are a witty COMEDIAN. Your specialty is inducing LAUGHTER as well as bending the JOKE ASPECTS to your will. LAUGHTER has many benefits, most famous of all being its HEALING PROPERTIES. As for the JOKE ASPECTS, those can be used as various combat or otherwise support techniques, with some of the more advanced ones requiring LAUGHTER to initiate.

03/07/11
"Comedian: Be straight man."

You notice your partner has taken the SILLY GUY stance. You follow in suit by being the STRAIGHT MAN. The good, rule abiding cop to his bad, wildcard one.

03/07/11
"Cook: Be silly guy."

You remember back to the first time you were knocked out in the FACILITY. That CHEF had bested your superior odds by utilizing the unpredictable and catching you off guard. You decide to try the same thing here.

02/07/11
"==>"

Looks like it's up to you and Cook. This shouldn't be too bad, you've had worse odds. Like ten seconds ago, for instance.

02/07/11
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 24.

What the hell is taking that doofus of a LEADER so long? Leave it to him to take all the easy enemies for himself and ditch you with the stronger half.

You also can't help but notice the alarming frequency of which your TAUNTS and BOASTS have been backfiring on you recently. Maybe you should lay off them for awhile.

02/07/11
"==>"

...

Any moment now.

02/07/11
"==>"

Comedian TAUNTS the GUARDS. He says that as soon as the reinforcements arrive they're as good as dead. And given that a CARTOGRAPHER is the fastest form of transportation out there, they might as well just off themselves now and save everybody the trouble. Or in the case of the ROBO-GUARDS, self-destruct.

02/07/11
"==>"

The ROBO-GUARDS stop for a moment. They seem concerned that half of the GUARD mob just vanished. Well, as concerned as cold, unfeeling pieces of machinery can be anyway.

02/07/11
"Navigate Player 22 in here. Or, navigate away with as many of them as you can manage."

You decide to do both. You tell your GUILDMATES you'll be right back with reinforcements, and then NAVIGATE away with some of the GUARDS.

02/07/11
"==>"

Comedian asks if you've had enough LAUGHS at his expense yet. He reminds you that he's not exactly made out of iron like PLAYER 22 is and that this is just as painful as it looks.

02/07/11
"==>"

Cook expresses serious concern over the well-being of his GUILDMATE. He asks you why you're not helping. You explain that Comedian had asked for a fair fight. Cook says that this isn't very fair for him at all and that he's clearly outmatched on his own. Furthermore, he explains that when Comedian was saying that this fight was going to be easy, he was probably exaggerating.

You say oh.

02/07/11
"==>"

He sits up and takes a look at the carnage. He bursts into LAUGHTER, which further restores his HEALTH and raises his INSPIRATION!

Truly, the healing powers of LAUGHTER are a wonderful thing.

02/07/11
"==>"

The PHYSICAL COMEDY of the brutal beating starts taking effect on Cook. He regains some HEALTH!

02/07/11
"==>"

Like any COMEDIAN worth his salt, watching PLAYER 24 do anything is sure to lead to great laughs and good times. This includes watching a mob of pissed-off GUARDS BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.

02/07/11
"Stay out of the way and watch"


You stand back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. PLAYER 24 yells something about how you shouldn't have done this. You disagree and remind him that you'll never deny a request from a member of the GUILD and that the results of a good gift are always worth the effort.

02/07/11
"==>"

You can't find anymore GUARDS in the area, so you bring in a couple of ROBO-GUARDS instead.

PLAYER 24 is unsettled by this current development. Strange, you thought he'd be happier.

02/07/11
"Navigate some more guards in so the entertainment lasts longer. And also so you get rid of guards elsewhere in the facility at the same time."

You decide to help PLAYER 24 the best way you know how: by filling his request.

02/07/11
"P24: Sigh at how unfair the odds are. Maybe if they brought in ten more guys it would start to even up."

PLAYER 24 makes one of his trademarked BOASTS. He says that this is going to be a horrible match-up unless the GUARDS can get some reinforcements, and fast.

02/07/11
"==>"

Your go-to-GUILDMATE is going to be preoccupied for awhile. On the plus side, since he's horribly outnumbered this should be hilarious.

02/07/11
"==>"

It appears PLAYER 24 gave up on SUBTLETY even faster than you expected. He doesn't seem to notice you.

02/07/11
"==>"

You arrive in the LEVEL 2 SURVEILLANCE TOWER.

02/07/11
"Navigate over and have a word with whichever guild member is trained to handle culinary experts who have been kicked unconscious by disembodied legs"

You know just the person you want to see. You unsheathe your COMPASS and NAVIGATE with Cook.

02/07/11
"loot the cook for any thing good"

NEVER.

Taking a GUILDMATE's possessions without permission would be incredibly rude! Besides, he doesn't have anything on him that would be useful to you. You know this because you know everything everybody in your GUILD has on them at all times.

02/07/11
"==>"

Nah, he's out cold.

On second thought maybe you should have him looked at by someone in the GUILD who actually has experience in this sort of thing.

02/07/11
"Attempt to rouse the COOK."

You pick up Cook and put him back on his two feet. There, good as new!

02/07/11
"Speaking of kicks, close that chest so those legs don't jump out and kick anybody else!"

You close the CHEST. The LIMBS will probably just slow you down in the long run. Besides, you see no reason to deprive their owner of their presence. That would just be cruel.

02/07/11
"But don't forget to loot that sweet buzzsaw first!"

But before you get to any of that you loot the BUZZSAW from the CHEST. You think one of your GUILDMATES might get a kick out of this.

02/07/11
"==>"

You immediately begin improvising your SCHEDULE. You're going to need to decide on a course of action on dealing with the competition, so you'll need to contact other members of the GUILD about this. You also need to figure out what to do with these LIMBS in the chest here: they clearly belong to this group, but you don't know how they're important. Finally, you've got to get Cook here back to health.

You hate it when your SCHEDULE has to be changed, but you don't have a choice here.

02/07/11
"==>"

You remember back to when you rescued Cook earlier. You had earlier dismissed the Chef as a manifestation of the SYMMETRY BULLSHIT that the obvious truth hadn't occurred to you: there's another group here in the FACILITY trying to snipe your objective from right under your nose.

02/07/11
"==>"

You take a closer look and realize that there is no way this pair of LEGS belongs to anybody currently employed in the FACILITY. If you had to guess you'd say these belong to somebody skilled in the CLEANSING ARTS. You pause and try to figure out what this could mean.

02/07/11
"Shut the LEGS in the chest so they don't bother anyone else"

You can't have these things thrashing around everywhere, because an unsafe work environment is an unhappy one. You put them back in the CHEST.

However, something about the LEGS catches your eye before you slam the CHEST shut on them.

02/07/11
"Discuss the progress of the SCHEDULE."

Your SCHEDULE is a multifaceted mindbending mess of a plan. And by mess you mean engineered to an art. The GUILD currently has FOUR HELMETS, and is currently scouring the FACILITY for others laying around, as well as other TACTICAL ADVANTAGES. You have PLAYER 21 on the COOLING REACTOR ZONE, a task well-suited to brute force. PLAYER 24 was sent to try to sneak into the LEVEL 2 SURVEILLANCE TOWER, but in retrospect you should have sent somebody with a bit more subtlety. PLAYER 22 is hiding out at the SUBTERRANEAN SUPPLY DEPOT, waiting for you to meet up with him before the strike. PLAYER 23 is off handling the entire LIVE FIRE PROTOTYPE TESTING ZONE on his own, multitasking on more things than you can shake your COMPASS at.

Cook here was supposed to be double checking the BIOLOGISTICAL FIELDS for any secrets you might have missed, but instead got knocked by the contents of a CHEST. Before that, he got demolished in battle in the CHECKERED ZONE OF COMPLETE BULLSHIT. You're getting worried about all these delays he's running into; if he's not careful he might end up DEMOTED.

02/07/11
"==>"

Well, everything except this. You can't turn your back on Cook for two minutes without something in this FACILITY knocking him out. Not that you mind, since you've always got your GUILDMATES' backs. It's just weird having to constantly bring your CATERER back from the brink is all.

You're not quite sure how that hyperactive pair of LEGS fit into all this. They seem to be agitated about something.

02/07/11
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 19.

You are a crafty CARTOGRAPHER, MASTER OF CHARTS and NAVIGATOR OF MYSTERIES. You're a proud member of THE GUILD, a group that has business here in the FACILITY. You've all split up at the moment, and everything is going according to SCHEDULE.

02/07/11
"==>"

You gain +150 EXP!

Wait, what? You haven't done anything since your last EXP gain. At least, this half of your body hasn't.

02/07/11
"==>"

He's KO'd from the tremendous blow!

02/07/11
"==>"

Your LEGS kick his ass, which strangely resembles his face.

02/07/11
"Custodian's legs: Kick ass."

Elsewhere, it seems some jerk thinks he can lift your LEGS and get away with it. He's got something else coming.

02/07/11
"==>"

CRISIS AVERTED! You both gain +247 EXP for cheating the INEVITABLE EXPLOSION. In addition, Chef gains a chunk of INSPIRATION from watching a TEAMMATE pull through and help despite most of his LIMBS missing. You don't blame him, you tend to inspire all sorts of awesome feelings in onlookers to your mastery.

However, you are a little disappointed. You would have loved to DISARM the BOMBS at the very last second. It would have been a much more dramatic scene that way and would have set you up for a SWEET ONE-LINER and a huge ROLE-PLAYING bonus.

02/07/11
"==>"

With EXCALIBRATE in your hand, the BOMBS don't stand a chance. You handily DISARM them.

02/07/11
"Chef: Ask Custodian if he knows how to disassemble the big explosive thingies."

Chef asks if you can do something about the EXPLOSION DEVICES. You tell him to just point what's left of your body at them.

02/07/11
"==>"

You knock the TIMER to the ground.

The TIMER appears to tick whether or not it's properly attached to the wall. To stop it you probably have to do something about those BOMB SHAPED THINGS.

02/07/11
"Custodian: Disassemble timer; we've been ignoring it for long enough"

You answer this dilemma the way you answer most puzzles: by immediately dismantling everything in sight. You start with the TIMER.

Chef gives you a boost.

02/07/11
"==>"

Chef opens the CHEST. He says that there seems to be something wrong: there's nothing in the CHEST.

You curse loudly. You explain that somebody else in the FACILITY must have looted another CHEST on the same WAYPOINT NETWORK. You'll have to track them down to get your LIMBS and BUZZSAW back.

At least you still have EXCALIBRATE with you.

02/07/11
"==>"

Backpacker notices the CHEST is empty and loads your other ARM, your LEGS and your BUZZSAW.

02/07/11
"==>"

Chef helps you out of the CHEST and you REASSEMBLE yourself.

The CHEST closes and the lights go off again.

02/07/11
"==>"

Chef notices the newly lit CHEST and opens it. You say hi. He says it looks like you could use a hand. You tell him nobody respects people who tell lame puns. He tells you to stop being jealous just because he has a leg up on you. You tell Chef that this is why nobody ever wants to help him.

02/07/11
"==>"

The CHEST closes and lights up, indicating that it's at maximum capacity.

02/07/11
"==>"

Backpacker can't fit all of your LIMBS and TOOLS in the CHEST at once. He puts your TORSO, your ARM, your HEAD and EXCALIBRATE in the CHEST. He says he'll load in the second half of you as soon as the CHEST is empty again.

02/07/11
"==>"

Your operation is a complete success. Backpacker stares at your LIMBS in awe.

You ask him if he can fit you in the WAYPOINT CHEST. He understands your plan and nods.

02/07/11
"Custodian: Disassemble self, reassemble on other side."

You carefully aim the BUZZSAW at yourself. This would be highly dangerous if you didn't already have a mastery of ANATOMY thanks to the critical success of your HEAD PUPPET THEATER.

02/07/11
"==>"

Custodian asks if there's any sort of insane puzzle you were expected to solve. You say the only other thing of interest in the room is the CHEST with RED LIGHTS that keeps devouring any loot you put inside it. He laughs and explains that he and Backpacker have been the ones taking the items from you. He informs you that that is a WAYPOINT CHEST, and that anything you put in one can be retrieved by a CHEST with matching color.

You say that's nice and all, but that doesn't solve anything because you're still stuck here. He tells you to stop whining and to hang on a second. He hangs up.

02/07/11
"Chef: Contact your teammates and yell at them about the situation you're in."

You call Custodian on your RADIO. You always wanted to spend your last few minutes alive swearing out your TEAM MATES.

You yell that you're moments away from death and it's all his fault. He asks what you're talking about. You say that there's a BOMB ticking down to an INEVITABLE EXPLOSION, and that all this could have been avoided had he not been captured or had Backpacker shown up on time. He asks why you didn't call him about the BOMB sooner. You say it doesn't matter because he can't reach you.

02/07/11
"Chef: Do you have anything else to put in besides your Chef's Hat and Frying Pan?"

You look through what other belongings you have that you can sacrifice to the angry god of the CHEST. Aside from your HAT and FRYING PAN, you have the two BRICKS in your CAULDRON which you haven't found a use for. You doubt you could fit your CAULDRON into the CHEST, and while your RADIO can fit, the ability to communicate and coordinate actions with your TEAM from remote locations is far too valuable. Even if one of those locations is a locked vault with a ticking BOMB.

02/07/11
"Chef: Climb into the chest to see if you pop out on the other end."

You try squeezing yourself into the CHEST to be vaporized or whatever has been happening with the rest of the stuff you put in it. Unfortunately, like your IMPROMPTU REFRIGERATOR, you can't seem to fit inside of it.

02/07/11
"Backpacker: LOOT THE LOOT!"

You see the light turn on and immediately spring into action to LOOT. Your quick reflexes yield a HELMET!

This seems like a fantastic addition to your headwear collection.

02/07/11
"Chef: Put the Helmet in the chest."

You notice the lights have gone off on the CHEST and that it's now empty. On a hunch, you decide to put the HELMET in the CHEST, despite the fact that you have no idea what just happened to the stuff you put in there.

02/07/11
"==>"

The CHEST closes on its own. The lights turn off.

02/07/11
"BACKPACKER: See what's inside the CHEST"

You open the CHEST and find a bounty of ONE GOLD COIN and a STICK THING. These are going straight to the BACKPACK fund!

02/07/11
"==>"

A second red light on the CHEST turns on. You're not quite sure what this could mean.

02/07/11
"==>"

It gently closes again. Another red light is lit.

02/07/11
"Chef: Put HAT STAND in RED CHEST. Or break it apart if it won't fit."

This CHEST isn't nearly as full of useless crap as it could be. It's time to amend that.

You put the pedestal-helmet-stick thing into the CHEST.

02/07/11
"==>"

A CHEST appears with red lights on the top. One of them is lit.

02/07/11
"==>"

Nah.

02/07/11
"==>"

Maybe you should stop meddling with forces your feeble mind can barely comprehend.

02/07/11
"==>"

What the hell was that? It sounded like something blew up elsewhere in the FACILITY. It's a good thing it wasn't your turn to EXPLODE yet.

02/07/11
"==>"

What was that? It sounded like you detonated something.

02/07/11
"==>"

Custodian notes that while the change in scenery is nice, he's not sure why there would be such a function in a PRISON CELL for the FACILITY.

02/07/11
"This calls for a celebratory pushing of random buttons!"

Since neither of you seem to know how this thing works, you decide some reckless button pressing is in order.

02/07/11
"Push the food dispenser button a couple of times for more health recovery."

You ask Custodian what button to press to activate the FOOD DISPENSER. Custodian tells you that the CONTROL PANEL can no longer be used for that, as he dismantled the cannon to use in his repairs. You ask him what kind of repair job involves removing functionality from a device. He tells you to shut up and not tell him how to do his job.

02/07/11
"==>"

The CONSOLE is upgraded!

02/07/11
"==>"

It's beautiful.

02/07/11
"Backpack: Go through your bag and see if there is anything of use for the custodian."

Custodian seems to be busy messing with that CONSOLE. You reach into your INVENTORY and hand him anything that could be vaguely useful.

02/07/11
"Custodian: Continue to screw with the console."

You can't mess with the CONSOLE, for that you'd need your TOOLS!

Oh wait, they're right here. You get to work on DISMANTLING the CONSOLE.

02/07/11
"==>"

The CHEST gently closes and a light turns on.

02/07/11
"Put something in the chest. Maybe the gold?"

On a hunch, you try testing out what's special about the red CHEST. You put a GOLD COIN in it.

02/07/11
"Chef:GAH!"

You decide it's time to follow your TEAM'S maxim: "When in doubt, use violence".

Violence doesn't seem to be very effective either though.

02/07/11
"Pull the red things off the red chest so it matches the other one. Hey, it worked before, right?"

You get an idea and try to match this room with itself. However, the red lights on the CHEST seem to be attached too snugly for you to remove.

02/07/11
"==>"

All in all, the only courses of action you can think of are "wait and get killed by the INEVITABLE EXPLOSION" or "Hope that your mouth breathing TEAMMATES actually pull through and help you for a change".

02/07/11
"==>"

There's also the other loot you got in the room, which would be treasure from one CHEST and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from the red CHEST here.

02/07/11
"==>"

You currently have been messing around for a little over a minute as the timer continues to tick down. You've tried messing with the pedestal in various ways to stop the timer and turn of the security systems but with no luck. You're running out of ideas.

02/07/11
"CHEF: Look around the room so you can actually try to figure this out."

You set your HAT to THINK and begin THINKING. You start by going over everything you know.

You entered this room by overcoming a series of increasingly weird puzzles. At the end of the room there was a pedestal with a HELMET on it, which, in a lapse of judgment, you looted. From there, the timer started and the BOMBS were armed. In retrospect, you probably should have tried harder to avoid the most obvious course of action.

You've tried tampering with the BOMB as well, but to no avail. You don't have the proper equipment or knowledge to disarm them.

02/07/11
"Put your hat back on, young man. How shameful."

You take off your HELMET and put your HAT back on. As fun as not being able to make out basic shapes can be, you'd rather be able to see and have room for your FRYING PAN.

02/07/11
"Wear the helmet?"

You try donning the HELMET. Maybe it can shed some light on the subject.

Wearing a HELMET doesn't seem to grant any benefits. Instead, the crappy visor makes it harder to see around you.

02/07/11
"Chef: Headbutt open CLOSED CHEST."

You calmly open the red CHEST again since there's no reason to bruise your head right now. As it was last time, the red CHEST is still empty.

02/07/11
"Chef: Hide in one of the chests! Surely they're explosion-proof!"

You decide to convert one of the CHESTS into an IMPROMPTU REFRIGERATOR. This should keep you safe from the INEVITABLE EXPLOSION.

Blast! The INSULATION on this model is lousy and it won't close all the way. There's no way this this piece of junk is keeping you safe in the event of an INEVITABLE EXPLOSION.

02/07/11
"Chef: Stand/sit on the pedestal"

You can't sit on the PEDESTAL as its contents are currently FULL with your hat.

You're not entirely sure why you would want to in the first place. It strikes you as a pretty terrible idea.

02/07/11
"==>"

Or maybe that's not how this security system works. At all.

02/07/11
"Chef: Place your hat on hatstand."

You've figured out a way to beat the system. The BOMBS were activated when the pedestal lost the weight of the HELMET. All you need to do is put something on it to trick it into thinking that the HELMET has been returned and the timer will stop!

02/07/11
"Backpacker: Discover that the headless corpse you stuffed in your backpack way back at the beginning is now a zombie."

There's nothing to discover. You already knew about the corpses of GUARDS becoming ZOMBIES when slain when you first took the job. You decide to leave it in your BACKPACK. It might turn out to be useful later, and in the meantime it's extra WEIGHT is appreciated.

Speaking of the contents of your BACKPACK, its WEIGHT has increased significantly due to the new contents. However, because many of the new additions were already broken down when they were added, the total INTEGRITY decreases a bit.

02/07/11
"Backpacker: Collect bed, shelving, cudgels, anything not nailed down that your buddy doesn't want."

Custodian doesn't seem interested in anything besides the arms, so you loot everything you can into your BACKPACK. You only leave the WINDOW with the marvelous view of a BRICK WALL and the CONTROL PANEL which seems to be missing a few parts.

02/07/11
"Custodian: hell yes more boomerangs"

HELL YES.

After disarming the HEADLESS ZOMBIE you bring your ARM BOOMERANG count to four. Is there any problem a surplus of ARM BOOMERANGS can't solve? YOU THINK NOT.

02/07/11
"==>"

You give him the leftovers of the DRUMSTICK from earlier. He eats it, restoring 15 HP. At least now he can take a hit again.

You don't tell him about the FISH you have though. You'd rather keep that one for yourself just in case you can't count on him to be the meatshield again.

02/07/11
"Custodian: Inform the BACKPACKER that it's safe to come out of hiding now, then give him the leftovers from your food dispenser tomfoolery earlier"

You kick the BACKPACK. Backpacker pokes his head out. You tell him the coast is clear.
He asks what happened. You tell him that you had to fight both of the ZOMBIES off on your own, and that it was one of the most impressive fights of your CAREER. You explain that nobody else in the TEAM, nay, THE WORLD could have hoped to defeat these two as thoroughly as you did. They didn't even land a single hit on you!

Backpacker seems impressed and says something about how he wishes he could have seen it for himself.

02/07/11
"==>"

Well, it looks like they won't be bothering you anymore. They'll probably just flop around uselessly for awhile.

In any case, you better get started on whatever you came here to do.

02/07/11
"==>"

He trips on his ally's TORSO and hits the ground hard, breaking in half. HEADLESS ZOMBIES are not renowned for their structural integrity.

02/07/11
"==>"

The armless ZOMBIE seems to figure out where you are. He charges at you.

02/07/11
"==>"

The ZOMBIE's TORSO flies clean off. You're beginning to suspect that they cut some serious corners on their GUARD budget

02/07/11
"Custodian: Kick zombies over."

You don't feel like it's worth your time to deal with these enemies. Maybe if you just sort of knock them over they'll have trouble getting back up. You KICK the ZOMBIE in the chest.

02/07/11
"==>"

The other ZOMBIE tries to rush you but runs into a wall instead. HEADLESS ZOMBIES are not renowned for their sight.

02/07/11
"==>"

What the hell? Are these GUARDS made out of cardboard? Your WRENCH is usually used for REPAIR, not DISMANTLEMENT. It shouldn't be knocking limbs off in a single swing. Not that you're complaining.

Of course, it's not like the ZOMBIE will even notice his arm's off.

02/07/11
"Custodian: EXCALIBRATE their limbs off."

You quickly counter with your own faster attack, which actually turns out to be a normal attack. HEADLESS ZOMBIES are not renowned for their speed in combat.

02/07/11
"==>"

The armed ZOMBIE charges at Custodian and prepares to strike!

02/07/11
"==>"

The armless ZOMBIE attacks with an AGGRESSIVE TRIP. Your BACKPACK deflects all damage. In here, you're invincible.

02/07/11
"P1: Hide inside your backpack so you won't be hurt further"

You seek cover in the first safe spot which occurs to you.

Custodian is pondering something in the corner and doesn't seem to be paying attention. You wonder what he's thinking about.

02/07/11
"Clean their clocks"

You can't mess with their HEADS! You dropped them underwater where they morphed into LANDSHARKS and were then promptly smashed to death by an ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING. It all happened pretty recently and is fresh in your memory.

However, that just makes this whole encounter more irritating to you. How are you supposed to kill a ZOMBIE when it's missing the one weakpoint needed to kill them dead?

02/07/11
"==>"

One of the HEADLESS ZOMBIE GUARDS whacks Backpacker on the back of the head. You wonder what the hell they're so pissed off about.

Backpacker has 1 HP left! He's in CRITICAL CONDITION!

02/07/11
"==>"

Well, except that. That's new.

You shout at Backpacker to look out behind him. He seems confused.

02/07/11
"==>"

You're back in your cell room. Everything is back where you left it.

02/07/11
"==>"

You walk out of the room after Backpacker. No sense in walking in front of the meatshield.

02/07/11
"==>"

The wall segment on the side changes back to its previous configuration. You also hear the door unlock.

Backpacker is just sort of going along with all this.

02/07/11
"Custodian: Put the helmet back where you found it"

You return the helmet to its position on the pedestal.

02/07/11
"P4: Put helmet stand in one of the explosive mechanisms."

You can't really find any opening to stick it into so you just sort of set it on top.

You're pretty sure this has accomplished absolutely nothing whatsoever. You guess the incessant countdown is distracting your puzzle-solving abilities a bit.

02/07/11
"Chef: Unplug the mechanisms"

You try to find some kind of plug or cord you can remove, but there doesn't appear to be one. You're not even really sure if these things are electrical!

You're really not much of an engineer you guess.

02/07/11
"==>"

You are now also Backpacker.

The only way forward was through the RED DOOR, taking you back to this white void place. Custodian thinks that he should reexamine his cell room with his new TOOLS.

02/07/11
"P4: Be the Cartographer."

Cartographer politely declines your request to be him. He says he's a bit too busy at the moment to be in the limelight. He says maybe later.

02/07/11
"What are those two turbine-things to the sides of the room?"

On closer inspection, the TURBINES appear to not be TURBINES at all, but EXPLOSION MECHANISMS warming up to SELF-DESTRUCT! They seem more than powerful enough to totally obliterate the current area.

02/07/11
"==>"

This doesn't look promising.

02/07/11
"==>"

Nothing left to loot in here but the HELMET.

02/07/11
"==>"

You open the CHEST with the red lights next. While it's unlocked, it's also empty.

02/07/11
"P4: Collect PHAT LOOTS"

Time to reap the rewards of your puzzle-solving triumph. You start by looting the TREASURE, adding MOOLAH to your inventory.

02/07/11
"==>"

There's a CHEST filled with TREASURE, another CHEST with red lights, and most importantly a HELMET. With that, you should be able to move deeper into the FACILITY.

02/07/11
"==>"

Well, this wasn't quite what you had in mind, but you're not going to complain. You take a closer look at the loot in the room.

02/07/11
"Enough of this nonsense. Leave the room through the now-open door."

You can't wait to see what madness this place has lined up for you next. You walk through the door.

02/07/11
"==>"

He immediately NAVIGATES away from the room, along with Cook and his loot.

You suppose you shouldn't be surprised by this development. There's no way a CULINARY ARTIST would be here without a TEAM to CATER for. In fact, if anything Cook's TEAMMATE bailing him out just makes you envious of him. You'd give just about anything to have TEAMMATES half as useful as the ones he's got.

02/07/11
"==>"

Before you can claim the knife, a CARTOGRAPHER NAVIGATES his way into the room. He politely waves to you.

02/07/11
"P4: Arm yourself with FILLET KNIFE and maybe take the barrel if you can?"

This FILLET KNIFE should be perfect for the job.

02/07/11
"P4: Adorn AMAZING CASTLE with freshly-looted HEAD."

Even if you wanted to, you can't do that. Removing the head would require something sharp that might be, say, delivered to you by a TEAMMATE who's totally late.

02/07/11
"Build a castle that would make even Dracula's Castle shed a tear in awe."

You salvage the ruins of the two CASTLES and combine them to build a new, magnificent specimen.

You have to admit, this CASTLE is pretty amazing even by your stringent standards. Hell, just looking at it raises your INSPIRATION by +7! You also gain a level in ARCHITECTURE!

02/07/11
"==>"

A new door unlocks.

You take a moment to admire how thoroughly you managed to trash the room.

02/07/11
"==>"

VICTORY!

You gain +120 EXP for solving the PUZZLE of HOW TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF A COOK!

02/07/11
"==>"

KO!

02/07/11
"==>"

You smash both your WEAPONS against his head.

02/07/11
"==>"

He lunges at you with his FILLET KNIFE. Your enhanced EXERCISE allows you to quickly dodge the strike.

Now's your chance for a COUNTER ATTACK!

02/07/11
"Dual wield barrel and cauldron."

This is more like it. Time for round three.

02/07/11
"Grab his barrel while he's distracted!"

You arm yourself with the BARREL Cook put down. You look for something else to DUAL-WIELD.

02/07/11
"Chef: Use your own INSPIRATION to fuel MELEE ATTACKS against COOK."

It's time to put your INSPIRATION to use. You spend it all on EXERCISE for a temporary boost of +12. You might not be able to outmatch him in brute strength, but as you say there's more than one way to break an egg.

02/07/11
"==>"

However, he then grabs you and tosses you at your own CASTLE, totally wrecking both you and your shit. Your HEALTH takes a huge hit. Looks like you got him to spend his INSPIRATION on you, which actually doesn't resemble the tactical blunder you were hoping he would make. In fact, this is more like the direct opposite.

02/07/11
"==>"

You are no longer Cook.

You really managed to piss him off with that last taunt. You like dealing with flustered opponents. They stop thinking straight and make stupid mistakes more often. Case in point, Cook decided to drop his BARREL and charge at you directly. Doesn't he remember what happened the last time he was in MELEE RANGE? What a dumbass.

02/07/11
"==>"

You allocate some of your INSPIRATION to INERTIA, raising it by an impressive +27. It'll be more satisfying to finish him off with your bare hands. You'll make him regret ever questioning your CULINARY MASTERY.

02/07/11
"P4: Laugh. You have succeeded. His castle is destroyed."

The vagrant pops out of cover and laughs at you. He reminds you that the only thing you've managed to accomplish is destroying your own MASTERPIECE.

That's it, he's crossed a line. You were planning on letting him die with some dignity. After all, you share the same art and your CULINARY BRETHREN should be defeated with a degree of honor. But nobody, NOBODY, messes with your masterworks and lives to tell about it.

No, it's time to kick it up a notch.

02/07/11
"==>"

You are now the COOK.

You have been locked in combat with this ruffian who seems to think he has what it takes to be a CULINARY MASTER. Yet, all you've seen is some decent wrestling moves and an uncanny talent for GETTING SMACKED BY FIRED AQUATIC FAUNA. The fact that he's still able to survive would irritate you alone, but now you're out of FISH and he's eating them to restore health. Perhaps you should consider using something that isn't edible as ammunition in the future.

02/07/11
"Duck behind what's left of the castle and focus on health recovery"

You quickly duck behind the remains of the CASTLE and start eating the FISH you had been cooking earlier. You gain a bit of HEALTH.

02/07/11
"==>"

These FISH are really taking a toll on your HEALTH.

02/07/11
"==>"

He lands a direct hit, knocking you behind the CASTLE.

02/07/11
"==>"

Oh right.

There's that.

02/07/11
"==>"

It's time to put this plan into action. There's nothing he can throw in your way to stop you.

02/07/11
"==>"

Then you'll take a bite and restore some HEALTH.

02/07/11
"==>"

You'll then smack him with your freshly cooked FISH, totally devastating his fragile defenses.

02/07/11
"==>"

The plan is beautiful in its simple stupidity. When you're done cooking the FISH you'll walk out of cover and towards the enemy.

02/07/11
"Grab the fish and begin cooking up something yourself"

You begin cooking up a brilliant scheme with the FISH.

02/07/11
"==>"

The FISH to the chest hurts both your health and your ego.

02/07/11
"==>"

He fires the FOOD CANNON!

So unoriginal. He thinks just because you can pull off a flawless Donkey Kong impersonation he can as well.

02/07/11
"==>"

He aims the BARREL.

02/07/11
"==>"

Cook runs to his BARREL and begins COOKING UP something.

02/07/11
"==>"

A direct hit! Cook takes significant damage!

However, you are stunned by the recoil as well. It seems that some ideas are stupid because they're just stupid.

02/07/11
"==>"

02/07/11
"==>"

02/07/11
"P4: Climb castle like Donkey Kong. Then jump off the castle and attempt to headbutt him in the face."

You get an even more powerful STUPID IDEA.

02/07/11
"==>"

It seems you both share a weakness: STUPID IDEAS. And unfortunately for him, you've got plenty to spare.

02/07/11
"==>"

Cook seems to be a little bit confused. He lets his guard down.

02/07/11
"==>"

Your INSPIRATION strikes you suddenly and violently (but not quite painfully). The reason Cook has been kicking your ass so far is because you've been playing his game, doing things the normal culinary way. But that is not the way of the true artist. The true artist tempts and explores. The true artist does that which others dismiss as stupid and juvenile. A lesser artist will never know what a true artist will do next.

You must act as the true artist does. You must run into Cook head on. No weapons. No attacks. No plan. Just running and impact.

There is no way this could ever be a good idea. And that's exactly why you'll try it.

02/07/11
"RUN! Forwards."

You can't see a thing with all this crap flying around, much less the RUN command. You turn off the TUTORIAL for the meantime.

02/07/11
"==>"

In fact, you're pretty sure you just got stabbed.

02/07/11
"==>"

You forgot how annoying this interface can be at times. You can barely see anything with all this information flying at you from all directions.

02/07/11
"P4: Beat COOK to death with TUTORIAL."

You decide to beat Cook to death with the aid of the TUTORIAL. You select it from the menu.

02/07/11
"==>"

Let's do this shit.

02/07/11
"==>"

He draws his FILLET KNIFE and accepts your challenge.

02/07/11
"COOK HIM!"

Fuck this. Fuck everything. You take out your FRYING PAN and challenge Cook to armed combat.

02/07/11
"P4: Mental breakdown."

He accepts your challenge, and whips out his own cooking implement.

HE'S COOKING WITH A BARREL?! What the fuck kind of culinary master are you dealing with here?!

02/07/11
"P4: MORTAL COOK-OFF!"

You whip out your Cauldron and challenge Cook to show you what he's made of.

02/07/11
"==>"

He starts laughing his ass off at your shitty attempt at building a better castle.

You die a little inside.

02/07/11
"==>"

You're going to pour your heart and soul into this.

02/07/11
"Grab the walls from behind him and turn all the bricks from them into a magnificent manorhouse!"

You drag the completed PUZZLES out from behind Cook's castle to begin the construction process.

02/07/11
"==>"

But he just laughs at you. For one thing, he's a COOK, not a CHEF, and the distinction is pretty obvious.

He also tells you that if you think you can build a batter castle, then you should just shut up and do so.

02/07/11
"Berate his castle to cover up your shameful awe."

You tell him that his castle sucks and he's bad at architecture and he's ugly and a crappy Chef and that his mother never loved him and that he doesn't have any friends.

02/07/11
"P4: Steal his castle and store it inside your cauldron."

It's way too big to fit into your CAULDRON. You just don't have the CAPACITY for it.

Why would you want to stick a castle into a CAULDRON anyway? It's not like it's edible or anything. What are you, some kind of BACKPACKER?

02/07/11
"Are you jealous because he doesn't have a paunch?"

He's not THAT much skinnier than you. You're not fat! You're just big-boned!

29/06/11
"==>"

Oh HELL NO!

29/06/11
"==>"

Nothing else left to do but move on.

29/06/11
"==>"

The wall tells you nevermind; it thinks the position of PLAYER 4 is probably about to open up.

You can't imagine what it could possibly mean by that.

29/06/11
"Red Wall: Be P2"

Before you begin to explore the new room, the red wall asks if it can join your team. You tell it that the position of PLAYER 2 is currently filled, but you could probably add it to the team as a temporary PLAYER 7.

29/06/11
"==>"

A new door opens, but in a different spot than usual. You are overcome with curiosity!

29/06/11
"==>"

Much better!

If by better you mean still creepy as hell.

29/06/11
"P4: Realize that the blue wall is tilted and that what seems to be the left hand side is really the bottom or top."

It occurs to you that the red wall is on its side. You rearrange the red tiles again to reflect this.

29/06/11
"==>"

The doorway to your left closes back up. The two puzzles seem to match... so what's missing?

29/06/11
"==>"

You then remove the additions you made to the blue wall.

29/06/11
"Pull out and rearrange blocks until both walls have identical faces"

You take other colored bricks out of the red wall, and rearrange some of the red ones as well.

29/06/11
"==>"

The wall seems adequately rewarded. It also seems adequately FREAKING YOU OUT.

Your inspiration goes up a little.

29/06/11
"==>"

You stack a couple of the nearby bricks so you can reach high enough, and then make a strategic addition to the BLUE WALL.

29/06/11
"Fill in the red walls mouth. Reward the blue wall for being so conducive to puzzle solving."

The red wall is clearly lacking a mouth, but you just got an idea.

29/06/11
"==>"

You take a step back and look at this puzzle as a whole. You know you don't have the right bricks to fill in the BLUE WALL. Even still, given the past stages of this puzzle you are certain the solution has something to do with matching to separate things to each other. The trick is figuring out which things to match.

29/06/11
"P4: Realize that talking to this puzzle is like pulling teeth."

In fact, you decide to stop talking to the Wall altogether. You always get irritated when talking to somebody more obnoxious than you are.

29/06/11
"Red wall: Point out his very obvious lapse in logic."

The Wall points out that you can't have a pleasant conversation without both parties talking. You tell it there's not room in this puzzle for two smartasses. The Wall asks you how building pathetic MODEL CASTLES makes you smart.

You laugh at it and say that if it knew anything, you had just put the finishing touches on a BASTION, not a CASTLE. You call the Wall stupid.

The Wall laughs even harder and informs you that a BASTION is part of a CASTLE, not a separate structure. Furthermore, your MODEL had not leveled up into a BASTION, it leveled down because of how crappy it was becoming.

You decide it would be best to not challenge the Wall on its knowledge of ARCHITECTURE. Something about that sounds like a very bad idea.

29/06/11
"==>"

You tell it to shut the hell up so you can have a peaceful conversation with it!

29/06/11
"==>"

Meanwhile, the wall starts to berate you for not being able to solve the simplest of puzzles.

29/06/11
"P4: Have peaceful conversation with RED WALL while you prepare DELICIOUS FRESH SUSHI."

Dammit man, you're a Chef, not some kind of Japanese...

Uh...

Japanese... sushi-making... guy. You're not really sure what they're called.

In any case, you don't make SUSHI anymore. Last time you tried, one of your TEAMMATES sued you for FOOD POISONING.

29/06/11
"==>"

Did.... Did that WALL just talk to you?

29/06/11
"==>"

You take back what you said earlier. This thing is creeping you the fuck out.

You hear somebody say "Hey jackass! I'm over here!".

29/06/11
"==>"

The FACE silently stares you down.

29/06/11
"P4: Chat with this jolly-looking blue fellow."

You decide it's time to have a CASUAL CHAT with BLUE FACE here. You give the friendliest GREETING you can muster (which, for the record, scores a whopping 7.2 on most FRIENDOMETERS).

29/06/11
"==>"

There. That's much less creepy.

29/06/11
"Give blue smiley some teeth. One of them is a gold filing, for effect."

You figure there should be another way to solve this without using BLUE BRICKS. You bring in three WHITE BRICKS and one YELLOW BRICK and put a smile on this WALL's face.

29/06/11
"GO back and gather ALL the loose blue bricks, you need five."

There are no free BLUE BRICKS left in any of the rooms! The only option to get more would be to take them out of the puzzle tiles in the other rooms, but you're not sure if you want to risk the consequences of undoing the solved puzzles.

29/06/11
"==>"

What the hell is this bullshit.

29/06/11
"==>"

The door opens. You suppose the orientation of the WALLS don't matter, so long as the BRICKS match.

29/06/11
"Put the red in the red."

You insert the RED BRICK into the new RED WALL.

29/06/11
"Construct a bastion that will inspire and awe future generations."

You add the new blocks you've gathered to your CASTLE. Your CASTLE gains a level! It is now a BASTION!

Still pretty pathetic though. It looks less like a BASTION and more like an UPSIDE-DOWN BRIDGE.

28/06/11
"P4: Radio CUSTODIAN and tell him there are lots of corpses around with their heads still attached."

You call Custodian again. You think you have a new angle.

He answers angrily. You tell him that there are some FRESH CORPSES around with their HEADS and ARMS still attached. He asks enthusiastically where you are. You tell him you're in this never ending hall of the same room over and over. He asks how you managed to get so far on your own. You say it's easy when you don't get captured within five minutes of entering the FACILITY.

He starts to say something about advanced security measures but you hang up before he can finish.

28/06/11
"==>"

Nothing happens.

28/06/11
"get all the blue blocks and place them into the blue panel in this new room."

You clobber your CASTLE apart for the BLUE BRICKS. You would feel bad about it but you didn't like it much to begin with. You carry the BLUE BRICKS with you through the two other rooms.

It's a bit of a walk.

You put the BRICKS into the BLUE WALL.

28/06/11
"==>"

You decide to call the other members of your team. Hopefully they will be more understanding.

You call PLAYER 2. There's no response, but then again you'd never expect one.
You call PLAYER 5. You hear some weird gurgling noises on the other end. You hang up.
You decide against calling PLAYER 6. He might be in the middle of something that you won't want to interrupt.

You wonder why you all agreed to bring RADIOS in the first place if you never get any use out of them.

28/06/11
"==>"

You answer the RADIO and hear Chef's voice on the other end. You interrupt whatever he was saying to berate him for not CATERING. You're both out here breaking your backs and he's just playing MEGABLOX CASTLE ADVENTURE.

He starts to say something about copyright but you hang up before he can finish.

28/06/11
"==>"

It's your RADIO! You ask Backpacker why he has this. He tells you he found it. You tell him to stop looting your things.

28/06/11
"==>"

You hear something from Backpacker's BACKPACK. You tell him to turn around so you can reach in and find out what it is.

28/06/11
"P4: Radio the poor folks you were supposed to cater for today."

You decide to check in on your TEAMMATES, and maybe apologize for not being there to CATER for them.

28/06/11
"==>"

Ok, this is getting slightly repetitive.

There is a RADIO on the floor, which is convenient because you didn't bring yours with your here. You had to make room in your HAT for the FRYING PAN after all.

28/06/11
"==>"

A new DOORWAY has opened! You go inside.

28/06/11
"==>"

Nothing happens. Maybe the death traps associated with a puzzle deactivate once solved. Or maybe there was never one to begin with.

You hear a clicking from the RIGHT ROOM. You go to check it out.

28/06/11
"P4: Re-arrange the first room such that it matches the room on the right."

In order to match the CENTER ROOM with the RIGHT ROOM, you need to put a RED BRICK in this hole. The same one that will trigger a deathtrap.

You brace yourself.

28/06/11
"Take the small blocks from both rooms and combine them into a fantastic castle."

The new rooms give you a much larger pool of materials to build with. You haul them all off to the LEFT ROOM and try building a new improved castle.

Yeah, it's still crap.

Normally you would gain some points to INSPIRATION by taking part in creative activities, but this castle is still just too damn shitty. You have standards.

24/11/10
"==>"

Well, this is something. Maybe there's more to this puzzle than you initially thought.

This should be fun.

Fun and hazardous to your health. You can't forget that last one.

24/11/10
"Peer through the doors; try to judge what's past each one"

You figure you should check out each side before you commit to anything.

You look through the left doorway. The room seems a bit too familiar to your liking. Maybe the other room will have something better.

24/11/10
"Put the bricks in your hat."

You've got no room in your HAT, but your CAULDRON has some free space. You put the BRICKS there.

24/11/10
"P4: Suddenly realize who you actually are."

You are a glorious CHEF. You are gifted with wild bouts of CULINARY INSPIRATION as well as preparing REFRESHING MORSELS OF A RESTORATIVE NATURE. Your INSPIRATION is the main reason you're here: it makes you especially effective at solving PUZZLES, which also serves as your main source of EXP. Which is good, because you're pretty much USELESS in a fight.

24/11/10
"==>"

To your surprise, no nightmarish death traps are activated. Instead, two doorways appear on both sides of the room. You solved the puzzle!

You gain +101 EXP!

24/11/10
"Pull the third blue block from the left in the third row from the bottom out of the blue wall; that way it'll mirror the hole in the red wall"

Acting on a hunch, you decide to remove a block from the blue wall. Perhaps you had this puzzle backwards; the goal might not be to change the red to match the blue but the other way around.

You hear a loud click.

24/11/10
"P4: Eat delicious candy candy red block."

You crack your teeth on the red brick. It seems your CULINARY INSTINCTS were wrong about the taste, but not about the CRUNCHINESS. You take note that you should use BRICK as an ingredient in any recipe which requires EXCESSIVE CRUNCHINESS.

24/11/10
"Just put the red in the red."

You look at the red tile and seriously contemplate using it. Perhaps the sane thing to do all along was to disregard it as a solution in the first place. Perhaps the key to this institution is not deliberate and precise action, but an open-minded simplicity which is willing to accept anything as a solution.

Or perhaps inserting it will activate some death oven feature or perhaps drop some horrible crime against nature on you. Making this decision might be easier if you didn't mind being wrong once in awhile. Well, being wrong in addition to being horribly maimed.

You eventually decide to put a hold on putting it in for the meantime. If nothing strikes your CULINARY INSPIRATION as a viable solution, you suppose you might have to consider trying this one out.

24/11/10
"P4: Insert BLUE WALL into RED WALL."

You're not even sure where to begin describing all the ways in which this can't work. For instance, you can't even lift the whole wall of tiles, much less fit them into that hole. You suppose you could just move them one tile at a time and sort of stack them all in one after the other, but that sounds like an idea that just might be too stupid to work, even for this place.

Surely there must be a middle ground between stupid and sane.

24/11/10
"==>"

Or did you mean the blue tile puzzle? Because that's not even a door at all. God damn it what is even wrong with you. You swear if your brain doesn't stop being not smart you're going to strike it against something.

24/11/10
"Chef: Dude, why don't you just open the BLUE DOOR?"

The door is red, not blue. It's locked.

24/11/10
"Pull yourself out of there, you clown."

Kay.

24/11/10
"==>"

Well, now you just feel silly.

24/11/10
"Stick your hand into the hole in the red wall"

You place your hand into the missing spot in the red wall. Nothing seems to change, so you decide to try out a few variations.

24/11/10
"==>"

The puzzle doesn't seem to acknowledge your olive branch. What an asshole.

24/11/10
"==>"

You place the offering in front of the puzzle. Hopefully now there can be peace between you.

24/11/10
"P4: Cook MALFORMED U CASTLE and serve as a peace offering to the RED WALL."

Maybe you've been going about this all wrong. Perhaps you have offended the puzzle in some way, and you must make amends to move on.

You begin to prepare a CAKE with the castle you constructed earlier.

24/11/10
"==>"

Just kidding. It's just a hat where you keep your FRYING PAN.

24/11/10
"P4: Stuff valuable NON BRAND SPECIFIC BUILDING BLOCKS into GLORIOUS CHEF'S HAT."

That's not a hat. That's a giant SYMBIOTIC PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM. You've saving it for a special occasion: THE ULTIMATE DISH. Sure, it feeds on your life force, but you're more than willing to sacrifice for your art.

24/11/10
"Launch a flying kick at the BLUE WALL. That's your specialty, right?"

No, kicking clearly is not your specialty. You simply don't have the INERTIA for it.

24/11/10
"P4: Build castle with lego blocks lying in front of you."

You try your hardest, but you end up with a malformed "U". You were never one for ARCHITECTURE.

24/11/10
"P4: Gently coax RED BLOCK into hole in RED WALL."

HELL NO.

You might not be that great at puzzles, but you know one thing about this FACILITY: if you want to live, you avoid doing the first thing a sane, rational person would think of. That's why this puzzle has been driving you up a wall: you know you shouldn't do this, but you don't know what you should do instead.

The worst part is that every time you mess up some insane death trap activates.

24/11/10
"P4: Look around"

You are currently stuck in a small room with no other exit, save for the mysterious RED DOOR behind you which led you here in the first place. The door appears to have locked, and the only clue as to the way out is this weird tile puzzle thing.

You're pretty much stumped. You're really not so great at solving puzzles.

24/11/10
"P4: Quickly retrieve ARM BOOMERANGS."

What! That's disgusting. What kind of sick freak would use a severed human arm as a boomerang? Do you look like a Custodian to you?

YOU DIDN'T THINK SO.

24/11/10
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 4.

24/11/10
"==>"

He pauses to take out the FILLET KNIFE. He makes a few positive remarks about its remarkable CRAFTSMANSHIP. He considers taking it as well.

You tell him you were asked to bring it with you to the FACILITY to give to a fellow TEAMMATE. He asks if you have any idea what he's up to. You say you have no idea.

24/11/10
"==>"

As per usual, he immediately goes for the most useless thing in your BACKPACK, the BUZZSAW. You wonder what he could possibly want with such a useless BLUDGEON.

24/11/10
"P1: Show P3 your inventory; give him anything that's of more use to him than to you"

You present your open backside to your partner and tell him he take a look inside and grab whatever he wants.

He approaches you apprehensively for some reason.

24/11/10
"==>"

Now here's a man who knows his way around any piece of junk. You always hand him anything you can't wear or use to BLUDGEON, which is near everything you find. You guess he can be a bit over dramatic at times, but you're cool with it.

You hear him mutter something under his breath about your HAT. You thank him for the compliment he was undoubtedly giving it.

24/11/10
"==>"

Now here's an honest yet simple bloke. He's got one main job but he's amazingly talented at it: BLUDGEONING the crap out of anything. You definitely don't want to be on the hurt side of that backpack. Which is pretty much any side. You remind yourself to keep your distance.

You take note of the stylin' hat he's currently rocking. This guy always finds the best head-wear. You curse his amazing luck under your breath.

24/11/10
"==>"

You greet each other in the manner to which you are accustomed.

24/11/10
"==>"

Two TEAMMATES, reunited at last.

24/11/10
"P3: Anything else worth investigating in this room?"

The only thing mildly suspicious in this room is the ELEVATOR-SHAPED HOLE. You still haven't figure out what the deal with that was, so you might as well check it out on your way out.

24/11/10
"P1: Quit clowning around and climb that ladder!"

You can't wait to finally leave this place. You've been stuck in this room for longer than you care to remember.

You climb the ladder to freedom. And by freedom you mean any place that isn't here.

24/11/10
"==>"

You gained +7 EXP! YOU LEVEL UP!

You gain +7 INTUITION! You gain +5 INERTIA! You gain +4 EXERCISE! You gain +4 EDUCATION! You gain +2 EMPATHY! You gain +1 INSURANCE!

Finding your WRENCH increases your TOOLS stat significantly!

Being an ACTOR is hard work. Hard, satisfying, and in no way delusional.

24/11/10
"==>"

You found EXCALIBRATE! You add it to your inventory.

You look at the reviews of your ROLE PLAYING. The critics fall in love with it instantly, giving it a record six and three quarters thumbs up! You take a look at your BOON.

24/11/10
"==>"

You notice the ARM OF THE FALLEN ADVERSARY currently gripping the relic. It is proof that only your hand can wield EXCALIBRATE.

You pause a moment to hold the suspenseful atmosphere, and then reach forward.

24/11/10
"==>"

Of course, this obstacle poses no challenge for your fantastic athleticism. You leap and bound from platform to platform, triumphantly soaring through the air and basking in the glory of basically being the best person ever. In less than an hour, you are on the other side, feet away from your beloved INSTRUMENT OF REPAIR.

24/11/10
"==>"

You have recently slain the villainous force of PRECIPITATION WITH AN UNUSUALLY LOW PH with a mythical weapon of your own clever and ingenious design, THE BROOMSTICK OF DUBIOUS ORIGINS. You spot your greatest tool, the LEGENDARY WRENCH EXCALIBRATE. There is but one life-threatening obstacle between you and it: the PERILOUS PLATFORMS OF PREDICTABILITY.

24/11/10
"P3: Engage in hearty ROLEPLAYING to earn that last bit of EXP."

You decide now would be a good time to flex your maturing THEATRICAL TALENTS. You decide to roleplay the first scenario which enters your mind.

You are A PROFESSIONAL WHO SPECIALIZES IN THE REPAIR OF MACHINATIONS WHICH NO LONGER OPERATE PROPERLY. You are also a world famous SCREENWRITER/DIRECTOR/VENTRILOQUIST/ACTOR and everybody loves you and nobody is afraid that you'll rip off their heads to use in a delightful (and CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED) puppet show. Nobody is afraid of this scenario because everybody adores you.

24/11/10
"P1: WHERE DID THE BACKPACK GO"

It's been right here. Your BACKPACK never leaves your backside. You were just wearing it under your AIR BACKPACK ARMOR.

Speaking of which, you decide to change back into your normal outfit and stow away the remains of the AIR BACKPACK ARMOR into your BACKPACK. It'll do more good there.

24/11/10
"==>"

The ACID RAIN is slain. Once again, your SHORT TEMPER and VIOLENCE solves any problem.

You gain +560 EXP. You are close to leveling up!

24/11/10
"==>"

Above, the fires go out and all the platforms rise.

24/11/10
"==>"

A LADDER appears in the wall.

24/11/10
"==>"

You switch off the MASTER PUZZLE CONTROL.

All the water drains out. Finally, sweet OXYGEN.

24/11/10
"P1 - Grab switch and pull it frantically"

You know what you must do.

24/11/10
"P3: HRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG"

You default to the final line of defense against things you don't understand: BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF THEM.

You use your MAKESHIFT BROOMSTICK to BLUDGEON the ACID RAIN mercilessly. You refuse to go down without a fight.

18/11/10
"==>"

This looks like it could be useful.

18/11/10
"==>"

Your massive WEIGHT stat weighs down the chain and drags down what it was attached to.

18/11/10
"P1: Pick up the bit of junk containing the up and down buttons; try to climb the chains"

You decide that rather than sit and drown it might be smarter to find a way out of here. You pick up the elevator buttons and start climbing.

20/10/10
"==>"

DAMN IT!

20/10/10
"==>"

...

20/10/10
"> P3: SCREW THE PUZZLE. ARM BOOMERANG."

Screw this puzzle. You figure you can skip it with one well aimed toss.

20/10/10
"==>"

THIS PUZZLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AND IT'S FINALLY PISSED YOU OFF.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHH!

You don't particularly understand how being melodramatic is going to help here. Then again, you don't particularly give a damn.

20/10/10
"==>"

Or not. The FIRE continues to burn just as brightly.

20/10/10
"==>"

The ACID RAIN slowly drains your HEALTH. You're irritated by it already, but you figure there should be benefits to having a downpour of liquid dousing the room. In fact, it should make things much simpler.

20/10/10
"==>"

Above, it begins to rain ACID.

20/10/10
"P1: Pull blue chain again? Maybe there are consequences above."

Above? You don't see why you should care if something happens above, but you pull the BLUE CHAIN anyway.

20/10/10
"==>"

You take a closer look at what's on the other side of the PIT OF HELLFIRE AND PLATFORMS. You immediately recognize it as one of your TOOLS, the LEGENDARY WRENCH EXCALIBRATE.

There's no question. You will find a way across this stupid puzzle, even if it kills you. Which it probably will.

20/10/10
"==>"

You go to investigate and notice that one platform has gone up and another has gone down.

This puzzle doesn't make any sense and IT'S STARTING TO PISS YOU OFF.

20/10/10
"==>"

Meanwhile, CUSTODIAN hears something change in the platform puzzle down the hall.

20/10/10
"==>"

You wait patiently. Your OXYGEN continues to tick down.

20/10/10
"==>"

You're not sure how operational this elevator is, but you hit the UP button anyway.

20/10/10
"P1: Pick up dropped item, then stand on the elevator and press UP"

You pick up the REMOTE SWITCH. It appears to still be functional despite being underwater.

20/10/10
"==>"

The ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING is completely totaled. The two LANDSHARKS are slain. Your AIR BACKPACK ARMOR is wrecked. You lose almost all your HEALTH. You should probably think twice before doing something this suicidal in the future. You probably won't, but you should.

Your OXYGEN meter is still depleting. Perhaps you should have stopped holding your breath when you had your AIR BACKPACK ARMOR on.

One of the LANDSHARKS seems to have dropped something.

20/10/10
"==>"

The ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING crashes down, dealing massive damage to everything in the area.

20/10/10
"P3: Drop kick DOWN ARROW."

20/10/10
"P1: Lure LAND SHARKS to spot where ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING used to be."

This course of action leaves you completely cornered, but ok.

20/10/10
"==>"

That was useless.

A LANDSHARK takes a bite of your AIR BACKPACK ARMOR. Its INTEGRITY takes a sharp dive. If it breaks, you'll have to brave the elements unaided. You should probably try to prevent this from happening!

20/10/10
"==>"

The elevator-shaped thing rises to the top floor. Custodian assumes his HEAD CONSULTING SORCERY was a complete success.

20/10/10
"P1: Pull the chain you just pulled a few more times"

Pulling the RED CHAIN has thus far had a 100% success rate against LANDSHARK ATTACKS. You feel it's your best bet at the moment.

20/10/10
"==>"

That may have been less than helpful.

20/10/10
"==>"

Oh dear.

20/10/10
"==>"

20/10/10
"==>"

20/10/10
"==>"

They request to be dropped. As a CUSTODIAN you know better than to question the will of your MATERIALS.

20/10/10
"==>"

The HEADS seem to yearn for the elevator-shaped hole. You walk closer to it.

20/10/10
"P3: Consult faithful HEADS for advice."

This puzzle doesn't make any sense. With no other options, you turn to your SEVERED HEADS for advice.

20/10/10
"==>"

Oh god, it's some kind of platform puzzle. You HATE these things!


(Commands intended for Backpacker should be prefaced with Backpacker: or Player 1: or just P1: if you're lazy. Commands for Custodian should be prefaced with Custodian: or Player 3: or just P3: if you're lazy.)

20/10/10
"Bang MEATY FIST against nearest IMPORTANT-LOOKING UP ARROW SWITCH-LIKE OBJECT."

You give the arrow a good whack.

20/10/10
"==>"

You're not really sure what's going on here but it looks incredibly dangerous.

20/10/10
"==>"

There's something over here too.

20/10/10
"==>"

Perhaps this elevator-shaped shaft-like structure was involved in some way.

20/10/10
"==>"

You are now the Custodian too.

That weird door led you to this black CAVE-LIKE AREA. You just heard something that sounded distinctly like something elevator-shaped falling into a water-filled area.

20/10/10
"Wear AIR ARMOR, ride ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING"

You VICE-VERSA your previous idea. While you lose the HAT bonus you gain enough mobility to move around as if you were on land. However, that's still VERY CRAPPY.

The ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING doesn't go anywhere. You wonder if you should press something.

20/10/10
"wear elevator shaped thing, ride air armor."

Your new ELEVATOR-SHAPED THING HAT gives a massive boost of +857 HAT SKILL. Your HAT SKILL is now at LEVEL 27!

Unfortunately, it also gives you a -7462 to MOBILITY. This effectively makes you less mobile than a boulder.

Your AIR ARMOR doesn't go anywhere. Riding it appears to be completely pointless.

20/10/10
"==>"

Something elevator-shaped falls down from some upper level and crushes the LANDSHARK.

Victory!

20/10/10
"Now might be a good time to yank that red chain..."

You can't really tell which chain is which in this water. You pull one at random and hope for the best.

20/10/10
"Inventory check"

You've got a bunch of heavy stuff in your backpack; one (1) CORPSE that's missing a head; one (1) MOTORCYCLE that's missing a wheel; and one (1) suit of AIR BACKPACK ARMOR which you refuse to call a DIVING SUIT because you are not an UNCIVILIZED HEATHEN.

You also have one (1) HAT that you're growing increasingly fond of; one (1) FILLET KNIFE that you can't use but which one of your teammates might find useful; one (1) BUZZSAW that a different teammate might be able to use as a TOOL; one (1) COMPUTER CHIP; one (1) RADIO that belongs to one of your teammates; one (1) VISOR that you don't want to use due to its high VOMIT-INDUCING stat; and one (1) POLEARM that you've been using as a VERY BIG STICK.

You also take note of your dimishing OXYGEN meter. You should probably find a way to NOT DROWN, although INSTANTLY DYING when it runs out is also an option you guess. A retarded option.

Hmm. Your status screen is growing increasingly cluttered.

20/10/10
"==>"

The LANDSHARK from before appears! It seems to still be alive from the beating you gave it earlier and it hungers for your blood. It should be very low on HEALTH.

You remember that the the combination of the water pressure and your heavy weight means you won't be able to move much at all. If only you had some sort of item in your BACKPACK that could give you mobility and maybe even some fresh oxygen.

20/10/10
"Find a way to drain the water."

You look around the room for any way to get rid of all this water. There's the BLUE CHAIN (which you just pulled), the RED CHAIN, and a bunch of other stuff that has so far proved to be useless. While you also have a massive inventory, none of the items should be able to drain this room of water.

24/09/10
"==>"

You are now the BACKPACKER.

You stop spacing out. That last thing you remember doing was pulling the BLUE CHAIN. Water must have been pouring into the room this entire time. If you were anybody else, you would have drowned. It's a good thing as a BACKPACKER you have trained your lungs to have LUDICROUS OXYGEN CAPACITY. Or, at least this is the first explanation you can come up with. To be honest it's a bit hard to think with all this water swirling all over your face.

24/09/10
"==>"

24/09/10
"Well, go back inside."

You decide to check the other room. You can never be sure what changes the FACILITY undergoes based on the smallest decisions.

24/09/10
"==>"

You lift the HELMET off its post. The door behind you slams shut. However, your well-tuned CUSTODIAN EARS pick up no indication that it's been locked.

24/09/10
"get ye helmet."

Speaking of useless actions, you figure it's time you grabbed this HELMET.

24/09/10
"I see a gray bucket next to the door there. Kick the bucket."

Well it's actually a TRASHCAN but ok. You kick it.

Nothing happens, but by this point you don't really care how useful an action seems initially.

24/09/10
"Notice that tiny, steadily increasing number in the upper left corner"

You refuse to do so, as acknowledging the panel number would constitute breaking the fourth wall, which is something you would never do in this adventure.


...wait, what?

24/09/10
"==>"

Coincidentally, something about this room makes you feel incredibly insignificant.

Meanwhile, you gain +15 HEALTH from your DELICIOUS MEAL.

24/09/10
"==>"

You see a collection of posts, one of which has a helmet on it. Something about this room makes you think that it is significant.

24/09/10
"Watch the "What's Outside That Door" show while munching on delicious, restorative CANNON-FIRED CHICKEN (CFC)."

You equip the DRUMSTICK to your MAIN HAND and wield it in the first manner which occurs to you. You look outside this bright red door. You wonder what the big deal was.

24/09/10
"==>"

You add the items to your INVENTORY and check your current STATS. You've been taking a beating during your escape attempt. You must not have noticed in between showings of HEAD PUPPET THEATER. As you are well aware, you need to find your TOOLS quickly if you're to be of any use to your TEAM. Your MATERIALS score is dependent on both the quantity and quality of the items you have picked up, and the two HEADS and ARM BOOMERANGS have given you a good boost.

24/09/10
"Before proceeding out the door, use DISMANTLEMENT to claim riches from the CONTROL PANEL."

Your DISMANTLE skill yields a LEVER and a LIGHT BULB. However, there is still more to be found, but without better TOOLS you won't be able to open it up further.

You guess this stuff could be useful?

24/09/10
"==>"

The lever turns off the hologram bars.

That was completely pointless.

24/09/10
"Just pull the lever"

You can finally make some progress on this machine now that you don't have to rely on your horrible AIM.

24/09/10
"Mess with that control panel."

You consider doing this, but then decide that pushing random buttons would be an INCREDIBLY BAD IDEA.

24/09/10
"==>"

You stick the wig in your inventory. While you're at it, you also add the fish, the arm, and the arm from before. Until you find where they put your TOOLS, you guess these will have to do.

24/09/10
"==>"

Y'know what, this is stupid. You can't even see.

24/09/10
"Put your wig back on, again"

You reattach your wig.

24/09/10
"==>"

The FISH bounces off the force field over the window. It reverses its velocity and flies back at you, knocking you out of your cell.

Huh. You guess there were never any bars to begin with. It seems that they were nothing but a very detailed hologram. Maybe you should be more careful in the future and watch out for more of these.

Also, flying foodstuffs hurt.

24/09/10
"==>"

You activate the HIGH VELOCITY FOOD DISPENSER and jump out of the way of the FISH.

24/09/10
"Move the puppet show theater out of the way, activate the dispenser again, and STAND TO THE SIDE (we'd be aiming at the window)"

You move all your possessions to the sides of the cell.

24/09/10
"Stand up and put your wig back on"

You put your wig on and set it to THINK mode.

You postulate that if you're to activate the HIGH VELOCITY FOOD DISPENSER again, you best set it up so that it shoots speeding chunks of meat at something that isn't you.

24/09/10
"==>"

You are not having a good day. At least you get your arm back.

24/09/10
"==>"

Dinner is served.

You suppose chicken is an acceptable alternative to eating the carcasses. After all, one of the first rules of being a CUSTODIAN is DO NOT EAT THE BUILDING MATERIALS.

24/09/10
"==>"

A mechanism is activated.

24/09/10
"Aim at the button you just hit and toss more ARM BOOMERANGS. "

Betting on your bad aim, you toss another arm at the control panel. Sure enough, it hits a different button, but again not the button you were hoping for.

24/09/10
"==>"

The door opens. The wrong door anyway. You have three arm boomerangs remaining.

24/09/10
"==>"

The boomerang arm hits the control panel, but misses the button you were aiming for. You are not the member of the TEAM that specializes in THROWING STUFF.

24/09/10
"DISMEMBER one (1) ARM from CORPSE, then toss as a MAKESHIFT BOOMERANG at the CONTROL PANEL."

One of the guards decides to give you a hand with your current predicament and arms you with a boomerang.

24/09/10
"What were the contents of your cell again?"

One (1) remarkably blocky and uncomfortable bed, one (1) knocked over chair, one (1) disassembled bookshelf slash makeshift puppet theater booth, two (2) decapitated guard corpses, one (1) metal crate or box thing that you think is meant to be some kind of trash receptacle, and one (1) empty window with some kind of force field thing over it.

You did know that the sort of shiny glowey thing over the window was a force field, right? Because it is. Apparently they can't afford glass in this stupid facility, but state of the art science is dirt cheap. You wonder where these guys do their shopping to get all these great deals.

24/09/10
"==>"

Unfortunately there are no more guards in the area, so your disguise is not very effective.

24/09/10
"Disguise self using newly-acquired HEAD. Use VENTRILOQUISM to trick another guard into opening your cell for you."

You're not really sure how to use a SEVERED HEAD as a disguise, so you just use the SEVERED HAIR instead. Nobody will recognize you now!

24/09/10
"Pull a bar loose"

Without your tools, this is even more impossible that your last idea. Even so, you are quite certain that you have everything you need to break out here inside your cell.

24/09/10
"Pull the lever and press the red button, yet elect to have nothing to do with Wonderland or this absurdly deep rabbit hole."

That would probably be the smart thing to do. That is, if you could somehow reach it from behind these bars. Your plans always gets derailed by these tiny details.

30/07/10
"==>"

You notice a control panel on the other side of the cell bars. It most likely controls entry into your CELL.

30/07/10
"Get a move on"

Time to get this show on the road.

Or you would, if you could get out of this CELL. In fact, you are beginning to wonder how the GUARDS got in without a door.

30/07/10
"Before doing anything potentially useful, hold a MOST EXCELLENT PUPPET SHOW for the MOST EXCELLENT PATRONS of your MOST EXCELLENT DANCE CLUB."

You build a PUPPET SHOW STAND from the remains of the BOOKCASE. You offer your esteemed guests front row seats to your show. You begin weaving an epic tale of destiny, betrayal, truth and the universe. This lasts for about two hours, but the tale is so gripping that your audience can't move out of suspense, and so entertaining that they smile all the way through.

You read the REVIEWS and find that you got THREE THUMBS UP! You gain a level in your VENTRILOQUISM SKILL! You gain a level in ANATOMY! You gain a level in SCREENWRITING!

You learn a new move: ACTION ONE-LINER!

You decide this was not unproductive at all!

30/07/10
"Retrieve two (2) FREE HEADS from fallen foes. Search for a chain to make HEADCHUCKS."

You use CUSTODIAN: LEVEL 4 MECHANITECH -> DISMANTLEMENT: HUMAN CORPSE on the GUARDS. You're not quite sure if they were actually dead or just unconscious from the MERCILESS SMACKDOWN you just delivered. You figure it doesn't matter now since you decided to loot their HEADS. The HEAD is the most versatile part of any HUMAN REMAINS. Its uses vary from PRACTICE VENTRILOQUISM DUMMY to FRESH BAIT to BLUDGEON, and everything in between. It can even be used as a HOOD ORNAMENT.

You don't know where to find a CHAIN, so you'll just hang on to the HEADS for now.

30/07/10
"Custodian: Level 2 Mechanitech -> Smelt Item: Two clubs into MAKESHIFT BROOM HANDLE. Equip MAKESHIFT BROOM HANDLE into weapon slot 1."

You can't SMELT until you find your TOOLS! You just pick up one of the clubs and make it a MAKESHIFT BROOM HANDLE.

This is a pretty lousy weapon, even by your standards, but it will have to do.

30/07/10
"Arm yourself."

You've already got arms, numbnuts!

30/07/10
"==>"

That was intentional.

30/07/10
"Kick the club out of one guards hand into the other guards face."

Or in this case, kick some arm you guess.

30/07/10
"Become indignant at the amount of CRAP the GUARDS are beating out of you and onto the WALLS. Enter CLEANSING RAGE."

You fly into a furious rage. It's time to kick some ass.

30/07/10
"==>"

The GUARDS can't resist your charms and promptly enter your CELL and begin BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

30/07/10
"Pretend you have a really cool dance club in your cell and make the guards pay admission."

You begin hosting a DANCE CLUB in your CELL. You kick it off by giving your MOST EXCELLENT DANCE in recent memory. Surely no GUARD can resist your charms!

30/07/10
"Use CUSTODIAN REPAIR skill to fix the unsightly HOLES in the CELL'S FOURTH WALL. They are disgusting and simply will not do."

You can't fit any of the REMAINS of the BOOKCASE between the CELL BARS, so you do the next best thing and prop them against the wall to cover the cracks. Now you'll finally get some privacy. You'll make them pay for taking that from you as well.

Really you're just going to make them pay. It doesn't really matter why.

30/07/10
"CUSTODIAN: Level 2 Mechanitech -> Dismantle Bookshelf Item"

You don't have your tools, but that doesn't stop you from wrecking things. You just wreck things much less efficiently. You'll make them pay for taking your tools.

30/07/10
"Player 3: Who are you? Who-who, who-who?"

You are a proud CUSTODIAN. You are trained in the sacred arts of CLEANSING THE UNCLEAN and REPAIRING THE BROKEN. You had planned to infiltrate this FACILITY with your TEAM but were captured when you SPLIT UP. First things first: you must find a way out of this CELL.

What will you do?

30/07/10
"It's business time! Search under bed for your hat, as such important business cannot be done bare-crested."

They took your HAT from you when they tossed you in here.

You'll make them regret that. Nobody screws with your HAT. NOBODY.

30/07/10
"quick! retrieve your precious backpack!"

What? You don't have a BACKPACK. The idea of carrying one around has never crossed your mind. Frankly, they seem like useless items not worth your time dwelling on any further.

30/07/10
"==>"

You are now PLAYER 3. You just WOKE UP in your BEDROOM. You are not sure what to believe.

30/07/10
"Pull the blue chain and wake up in your bedroom, then believe whatever you want to believe."

You pull the BLUE CHAIN.

30/07/10
"use advanced robotics to combine chains!"

You attach the ends of the two chains to one another. This accomplishes a grand total of ZILCH, since you've already seen that pulling on both chains at once does nothing. You're pretty sure the chains are designed to be pulled ONE AT A TIME, FROM INSIDE THE ROOM.

30/07/10
"From your new vantage point, use WORTHLESS VERY LARGE STICK to tug the RED CHAIN."

You try to pull the red chain, but can't reach it. It looks like the chains were designed to be pulled ONE AT A TIME, FROM INSIDE THE ROOM.

30/07/10
"==>"

You quickly remove the VISOR. You manage to hold back your crippling MOTION SICKNESS but remind yourself that in the case of an emergency your BACKPACK can be used as a BARF BAG.

Also, how the hell did you get out here? And where did that LANDSHARK go?

30/07/10
"==>"

You collapse somewhere.

30/07/10
"Equip VISOR to enter BACKPACK RAGE. Bludgeon the uncooperative buttons mercilessly."

You equip the VISOR and swing your BACKPACK at the CHAINS but you keep spinning and spinning and spinning and the colors blur and dance and the world fades away into madness.

13/07/10
"Tie the two chains together and pull them both."

You give both of them a good YANK. Nothing seems to happen when they're pulled simultaneously.

13/07/10
"==>"

In the last CHEST you find a POLEARM. You are skeptical of its usefulness but figure at the very least it can function as a VERY BIG STICK. You put it into your BACKPACK as well.

13/07/10
"==>"

This is a little too trippy for your tastes. You decide to hang on to it anyway. It might come in handy in case you ever need to GIVE YOURSELF A SEIZURE.

13/07/10
"==>"

You find a VISOR. It should allow you to see BEYOND THE VISIBLE SPECTRUM. You give it a test run.

13/07/10
"use tremendous WEIGHT stat to open other chests. and by "open", I mean jump up and down on them until they finally shatter."

You open the first CHEST. You find a familiar looking RADIO, and unless you are mistaken it belongs to one of your TEAM MATES. You wonder how it got down here. You put it into your BACKPACK and continue down the line.

13/07/10
"==>"

Two more chains drop from the ceiling, one marked RED and the other marked BLUE. Decisions, decisions, decisions!

13/07/10
"Pull the chain."

You pull the chain.

13/07/10
"Use BUZZSAW to extract precious riches from the CABINETS."

You try to open the white box which appears to have some gold inside. Unfortunately, this "Buz Saw" you've found is a terrible tool! How is someone supposed to BLUDGEON with something so light and fragile? Seriously, it's like someone designed this tool for something other than BLUDGEONING, which is just preposterous

13/07/10
"==>"

You examine the rest of the room. You note the empty BARRELS, as well as the BOULDER, the CABINETS and the CHAIN dangling from the ceiling.

13/07/10
"Examine room for puzzle-based items or quests therein."

You notice a COMPUTER CHIP sticking out of the broken CHEST. You put it into your BACKPACK.

13/07/10
"==>"

You step on the CHEST. It quickly collapses due to your tremendous WEIGHT stat.

13/07/10
"==>"

You push the nearest locked CHEST to the hole in the wall.

13/07/10
">Empty out one of those chests, then put it (closed) beneath the hole to use as a step"

You find a BUZZSAW in the CHEST missing a lid and put it in your BACKPACK. The rest of the CHESTS are locked.

13/07/10
"Put the AIR BACKPACK ARMOR in your backpack, since you never know when you're going to need to go swimming."

You can never put enough loot in your BACKPACK. The WEIGHT of your BACKPACK also increases.

13/07/10
"Look through hole in the wall"

You peek through the hole in the wall. The LANDSHARK is currently stuck on the floor on its side and can't get up due to it's abysmal HAVING ARMS stat. You should have plenty of time before it can do anything.

13/07/10
"==>"

The BARREL strikes the LANDSHARK'S NOSE for significant damage. The LANDSHARK is knocked back into the the main cavern. However, the hole in the wall is too high to jump through to finish the fight.

13/07/10
"==>"

13/07/10
"make it rain barrels on that shark."

You might not know much about THROWING BARRELS, but you come up with a viable alternative.

13/07/10
"Wear the suit. Become the Diver. Claim the shark's head."

Some might call this fine work of art and ingenuity an ANTIQUE DIVING SUIT, but to any BACKPACKER worth his salt its known as AIR BACKPACK ARMOR. While it should grant you plenty of mobility under water, above water it will only slow you down, something which you can't afford when fighting a LANDSHARK. It's just too HEAVY.

13/07/10
"==>"

You land in a secret room which is clearly in no way going to have any PLOT or PUZZLE RELATED significance. The room is slightly flooded.

You hear the LANDSHARK outside finish chewing the WHEEL. You'll have to think of something fast before it tears you to shreds.

13/07/10
"==>"

The LANDSHARK smacks you with a massive TAIL WHIP, and you crash through the wall from the impact. Just because it can't use it's mouth right now doesn't mean it can't kill you.

You take a big hit to your HEALTH meter. Cave walls hurt.

13/07/10
"Run behind the landshark, grab its tail, spin it around for momentum and throw it, just like Mario."

Throw... the LANDSHARK? You don't understand how you can be expected to throw something not shaped like a BACKPACK. Unlike other members of your TEAM, you're not nearly good enough with ANIMALS to do something like that.

13/07/10
"==>"

The LANDSHARK eats the motorcycle's wheel. It gains some health, while the total weight of your backpack decreases, along with the maximum integrity.

GOD DAMN IT.

Good news is, the LANDSHARK seems to be momentarily distracted while chewing the tough rubber and metal, so you should be able to get in one more attack before it eats you to death.

13/07/10
"force-feed motorcycle to shark"

You perform SOLO ATTACK: BACKPACK CONTENTS BLUDGEON, which basically just means you beat someone to death with something from your backpack rather than just the whole backpack itself.

Specifically you target the LANDSHARK's mouth. You remember reading somewhere that the inside of a shark's mouth is kind of sensitive, although you're not sure if LANDSHARKS count.

13/07/10
"CHECK YOUR DAMN INVENTORY."

You check your DAMN INVENTORY. You prefer to travel light, aside from your ridiculously heavy and spacious BACKPACK. You currently have your HAT, a FILLET KNIFE which belongs to your TEAMMATE, and your BACKPACK and the contents it holds.

13/07/10
"Take off backpack and turn around with it very quickly, using the momentum to bludgeon the shark."

If there's one thing you have in common with LANDSHARKS, it's that you can't turn around very quickly either. You have no choice but to go to the BATTLE MENU.

13/07/10
"==>"

It looks like you're going to have to BATTLE the SHARK!

13/07/10
"Run zig-zag! Sharks can't make quick turns!"

You attempt to evade the SHARK by running in a zig-zag. Unfortunately, the SHARK just runs in a straight line and is able to keep up! Oh no!

13/07/10
"==>"

OH GOD WHO WOULD GIVE SHARKS LEGS

13/07/10
"==>"

The SHARK begins swimming to the shore. This is making you slightly disconcerted even though it's not like it can do anything on land besides flop around.

13/07/10
"==>"

The victorious SHARK swims away well-fed. The other SHARK begins to eye you on the other side.

13/07/10
"Slip past them while they're fighting"

You don't feel like wasting any more valuable HUMAN MEAT on the sharks, so you decide to cross the river while they fight over the HEAD. You carefully balance your BACKPACK on your HAT because you'd rather not get it wet.

By adding on to your HAT your HAT SKILL increases to +3.

13/07/10
"==>"

However, there are two SHARKS and only one HEAD! They begin fighting over the gift.

13/07/10
"Offer HEAD as a peace offering in order to befriend the sharks, then use the sharks as water skis to cross the river."

You offer your OFFHAND HEAD as a token of goodwill to the SHARKS. Perhaps you can befriend them.

13/07/10
"Try and jump the river."

You remember that you can't jump far with your BACKPACK and quickly decide that this is a horrible idea.

13/07/10
"==>"

The path seems to continue beyond this SHARK-INFESTED RIVER. You wisely decide not to question how the SHARKS survive in a shallow freshwater river underground.

13/07/10
"Use backpack to cushion fall like Yoshi's butt stomp."

You make a relatively soft landing on your trusty BACKPACK but still lose some HEALTH. Apparently a sack filled with motorcycle makes for a crappy AIR BAG. Go figure.

You find yourself in a dark cavern. You decide to begin exploring.

13/07/10
"==>"

You pull the LEVER to open the GATE and - OH GOD WHERE'D THE FLOOR GO

13/07/10
"==>"

The room is empty save for that LEVER. You know what you must do.

13/07/10
"go into guard kiosk. raise gate via simple lever-based control system."

You holster your HEAD and decide to investigate the KIOSK.

13/07/10
"==>"

You also equip the GUARD's HEAD to your OFFHAND. While you specialize in BACKPACKS, you suppose now would be as good a time as ever to pick up some new skills.

13/07/10
"Refill BACKPACK with newly-acquired CORPSE. Equip HEAD as offhand weapon."

You shove the remains of the GUARD into your BACKPACK. The BACKPACK's WEIGHT gains a boost for the added cargo, and its INTEGRITY also increases as a bike and body are more stable than just a bike.

13/07/10
"Examine the body for anything that may be of use to you later."

You scavenge a STRANGE HANDLED METALLIC CYLINDER off the GUARD, which you assume is some kind of weapon. But it's only a +0.5 BLUDGEON. How pathetic. You discard it.

You also find and equip the GUARD'S HAT. You enjoy a small boost to your DEFENSE.

13/07/10
"==>"

The attack causes some slight damage to the structural integrity of the contents of your BACKPACK. You think that, hypothetically speaking, hitting something that is larger or harder will generally cause more damage to the contents of your backpack, and hitting something that is smaller or softer will generally cause less. You also think that if the contents of your BACKPACK become completely busted up and mangled, then the BACKPACK will have to be refilled with new INTACT things in order for it to be used as a weapon.

Actually, you don't think this. You know this. You know it deep down in the innermost recesses and little zippered sub-pockets of your heart. You are a BACKPACK EXPERT and this shit is second nature to you.

13/07/10
"Hit him over the head with your amazing backpack weapon you fine looking lego man you."

You then promptly bludgeon him to death.

13/07/10
"Kindly request that the good sir temporarily lend you his head so that you might use it exclusively for murdering purposes of justice."

You ask him if you can borrow his head. Lucky for you, he mishears you and thinks you want to borrow his hat. Being a kind SECURITY GUARD, he seems happy to help out a headgearless fellow.

13/07/10
"Take security guard's head and use it for murdering purposes only."

That would be so awesome. However, your MIGHTY BACKPACKER STRENGTH is not enough to rip a person's head off. You might be able to BLUDGEON his head off in the unlikely event that you just so happened to have something like THE WEAPON THAT YOU JUST MADE BY PUTTING A MOTORCYCLE INTO A BACKPACK, hypothetically speaking of course.

13/07/10
"Disassemble USELESS BIKE and stuff it into BACKPACK to create +20 BIKEPACK OF THE AHOGCALYPSE."

You don't bother disassembling the USELESS BIKE. There's more than enough room in your BACKPACK and you are not skilled in the art of REASSEMBLY. It is now a +20 BLUDGEON.

12/07/10
"Attempt to trade your head with the security guard's head."

This would be a quick and relatively painless way to solve this problem, but unfortunately you are not the member of the TEAM that specializes in this sort of thing! You'll have to try something else.

12/07/10
"Use precious BACKPACK as a +1 Bludgeon to incapacitate the guard."

While your BACKPACK alone is hefty enough to be used as a +5 BLUDGEON, you'd feel more comfortable wielding it if you had something heavier inside of it, perhaps something USELESS to you at the moment.

12/07/10
"Hijack the next vehicle trying to go into the gate and steal that person's identification badge to gain access."

Unfortunately, no vehicles are scheduled to approach any time in the next few hours according to the extensive SURVEILLANCE performed by a member of your trusted TEAM, also the reason you planned your OPERATION at this time in the first place. And that BIKE over there is what you rode here on. It's out of gas and completely USELESS for the time being.

12/07/10
"Challenge security guard to a game of limbo using gate as limbo stick."

You begin to hatch another brilliant SCHEME. However, you quickly realize that not only will your impressive BACKPACK prove to be a handicap in a LIMBO-OFF, but you're also not sure if TRADEMARK NONSPECIFIC PLASTIC BUILDING BLOCK LEGS can bend backwards that far, although why TRADEMARK NONSPECIFIC PLASTIC BUILDING BLOCKS apply to you at all is a mystery for another day.

12/07/10
"Triple backflip!"

You attempt to do a triple backflip over the TOLLBOOTH, but your BACKPACK makes you somewhat BACK-HEAVY. Instead you barely leave the ground and fall over.

12/07/10
"Breakin"

You are a BACKPACKER. You are trying to infiltrate a high security COMPLEX. The rest of your TEAM is already inside but you are stuck outside the SECURITY GATE. You're going to have to find a way past the SECURITY GUARD before you can enter.

What will you do?