They found you! They are coming to... imprison you? Interrogate you? Kill you? Not that they could, immortality and all-
No time for more questions, you have to escape!
You notice a scuffling sound, and a jolt of terror seizes you!
Right. Your friends are in a completely different universe. You can’t tell them.
That is the one thing you failed to account for when you decided it would be a good idea to come here and scout for information. You didn’t realize how lonely you would be.
You truly miss your friends dearly and are anxious to find a way back to them.
But not until you find the truth.
There must be more information somewhere, you can feel it.
Yeah, you are pretty sure most of this is bullshit. Those in power tend to embellish history to make themselves look good, and your Seer of Light’s Intuition tells you that this autobiography is no different. What really happened, you wonder? What is the deal with these aliens trying to take over your planet? It is obvious to you now that their planet is about to be devoured by a black hole, everyone you walk by is murmuring about it. But why? You feel there is much more to be uncovered.
You can’t wait to tell your friends about all this!
The scripture tells of Nero’s rise to power over the entire Shinobi Race. Thousands of Cyronillian years ago, there were eight revered heroes who protected the world in the name of Orpheus, the mythical God and savior of the Shinobi. But one day the Ancient Ones came forward and declared that Nero, one of the eight heroes, was in fact the reincarnated spirit of Orpheus. The other seven grew resentful of Nero, envious of his newfound status and turned their backs on him and the entire empire. They sought to sabotage Nero, as they believed that he was not the true reincarnation of Orpheus. But Nero foresaw that the seven would bring about the downfall of Shinobi kind with their betrayal, and when the seven challenged him, he was prepared. With no joy in his heart he destroyed the people he once called his allies for the sake of a better world. It was then clear to everyone that Nero alone would lead Shinobi-kind to greatness.
You are now Rose.
In your haste to escape the Shinobi who had uncovered your identity, you found yourself in a library full of thousands of books. How convenient for you and your quest to find out more about these anime-as-fuck ninja aliens. Not only that, but the books are all written in perfectly legible english! The list of conveniences regarding this alien civilization that aid in your ability to comprehend them is so staggering. But hey, you aren’t going to complain about that.
You can feel your mind buzzing with the excitement of newfound knowledge. You are currently pouring over the pages of an autobiography written by the Great Emperor Nero himself!
CRISTYLE: Who do you think I am?
CRISTYLE: Someone who will just abide by the whims of you puny little aliens just because you point your weapons at me.
CRISTYLE: I only take orders from the Emperor himself.
CRISTYLE: You all have nothing on me!
CRISTYLE: And for your own sake, I hope you realize this soon:
CRISTYLE: I never back down.
CRISTYLE: I never give up.
CRISTYLE: I am merely doing everything in my power to secure the safety of your species.
CRISTYLE: If that is perceived as untrustworthy, then that is your own fault for lacking faith.
BOSS: You didn’t answer my question.
CRISTYLE: You have the audacity to think you can control me?
CRISTYLE: That is so cute.
BOSS: To have.
BOSS: A talk.
BOSS: Will you come peacefully.
BOSS: Or do we need to make this difficult.
CRISTYLE: Whatever you need to say, you can say it to me right now!
CRISTYLE: My time is precious, you know.
BOSS: I think you know what I have to say.
BOSS: You have been required to stay in our custody.
BOSS: As an extraterrestrial being, we need to keep you under our control if our arrangement is to work out.
BOSS: Yet you insist on wandering off into our city unchecked.
BOSS: You have given us no choice but to detain you permanently.
BOSS: I am going to ask you this again.
BOSS: Will you come peacefully.
BOSS: Or do we need to make this difficult.
CRISTYLE: Such a rude way to treat your guest!
BOSS: Come with us, will you?
BOSS: I would like to have a talk.
CRISTYLE: I, out of the generosity of my own heart, have taken the time to help and save your entire species!
CRISTYLE: How lucky are you all!
BOSS: Excuse me.
CRISTYLE: This troll must be apprehended!
CRISTYLE: Little human, you must make it known to your Government that forces should be send out immediately to capture Vriska, and then the other one!
HORUSS: do not hurt karkat
CRONUS: HE IS MY MOTHERFUCKING BEST FRIEND
HORUSS: and hes a real pushover
CRISTYLE: Oh, quiet you!
CRISTYLE: I declare this interrogation to be complete!
WARREN: But we haven’t even-
WARREN: There’s so much more we have to kno-
CRISTYLE: I have made myself clear!
CRISTYLE: We have all the information we need, and you have your next task!
CRISTYLE: Apprehend the trolls, and your planet will be one step closer to liberation!
CRISTYLE: Now escort me out of this place!
KATE: (That doesn’t make any sense... That alien girl said it was the other way around.)
KATE: (Ugh, dammit Gary, what have you gotten me into.)
CRISTYLE: I assume you two are aware of the existence of other trolls who have infiltrated this planet.
CRISTYLE: Tell me, how many more are there?
CRONUS: There are many more.
HORUSS: Vriska and Karkat are our most important spies.
CRISTYLE: Yes, yes! Of course, more trolls lurking about!
CRISTYLE: It is clear that these two must be stopped.
HORUSS: Vriska currently posses the most immediate threat to humanity.
CRONUS: She possesses the power to control minds.
HORUSS: She is planning to manipulate those in power,
CRONUS: To make your civilization fall apart from the inside.
CRISTYLE: Why, such convenient information.
KATE: (That’s right... she did knock Gary out cold somehow.)
CRISTYLE: Lucky for you guys, the information on the whereabouts of the troll they call “Vriska” is already known to you! Your two bumbling little minions have already encountered her once before!
KATE: (Bumbling little minions?!?)
KATE: (She’s talking about us, isn’t she.)
KATE: (God dammit, even the aliens think we are a joke.)
HORUSS: Yes. Our leader sent us here to gather as much information as possible.
CRONUS: We intended to study humans. Learn their various weaknesses and secrets.
HORUSS: So that we may use that information to eradicate every last human on this planet!
CRISTYLE: Gasp! Just as we suspected!
WARREN: o_o ...!
CRISTYLE: I can see you trembling little human, but rest assured, we will get to the bottom of this!
CRISTYLE: Tell me your secrets, trolls.
CRISTYLE: You’re minds have been unlocked! Speak!
CRISTYLE: Why did you two travel to this planet, hmm???
CRISTYLE: Not talking, huh?
CRISTYLE: I thought so.
CRISTYLE: Lucky for me, I am gifted with powerful alien magic!
CRISTYLE: That can manipulate your mind into divulging any information I wish to hear!
WARREN: Is that even... Are we allowed to do that?
WARREN: I’m not sure if-
CRISTYLE: Two disgusting low-life trolls!
CRISTYLE: How dare you disgrace me and my human allies with your mere presence!
CRISTYLE: After countless failed conquests to overtake innocent alien races, conquests that were thwarted by the Shinobi, I might add, you thought you could infest another planet with your treachery and malice!
CRISTYLE: What dishonorable and vile creatures!
CRISTYLE: Know that I will not stand idly by while you commit your heinous war crimes against another innocent species.
CRISTYLE: And I will do everything in my power to make sure your kind never sees the light of day again.
WARREN: Uh... Miss Cristyle.
WARREN: You asked to meet with the aliens we captured so that you could extract information from them, correct?
CRISTYLE: Of course, little human! We will find out what these nasty trolls are planning!
WARREN: Uh... let me just quickly review theirs rights and go over the interrogation policy.
WARREN: W-whether or not any of these codes actually apply to extraterrestrial beings is a gray area, but we are going to be safe and play by the rules.
WARREN: The suspects have the right to remain silent, anything you say can be used against you in court, you have the right to a lawyer who will-
CRISTYLE: Blah blah blah, more boring protocol. Holy Orpheus, you guys are so lame!
CRISTYLE: I know I know, no torturing or maiming allowed. None of the fun stuff.
CRISTYLE: We are just gonna ask them a bunch of questions like civilized beings.
WARREN: I- I suppose you are already familiar with the protocol.
CRISTYLE: Of course I am!
CRISTYLE: Now let’s get on with this! I have places to be you know, I am a very busy person with so many irons in the fire!
TERLOCK: But I want you to think on it, child.
TERLOCK: I am offering you a golden opportunity on a silver platter.
HADES: With a steel knife for back stabbing.
TERLOCK: Consider my offer, Hades.
TERLOCK: And consider, that between me and him, I am the only one, who truly wants what is best for you.
TERLOCK: No matter what a god does, he’ll always get forgiven.
TERLOCK: And who do you think is doing the forgiving?
TERLOCK: It’s the people underneath him.
TERLOCK: No matter how much they’re robbed or ravaged people just shut up and take it.
TERLOCK: Well I’m not going to be a part of the idiots who keep making excuses for him.
TERLOCK: They are like sobbing children who keep clinging to their parents no matter how much they’re abused.
TERLOCK: So that’s why I just want to pull the rug right out from under him.
TERLOCK: It is time for a new world order.
TERLOCK: And I want you to be a part of it, Hades.
TERLOCK: It is what a prince is truly meant to do.
HADES: This is so.
HADES: Terlock. What has gotten into you! How could you even fathom of betraying father like that.
HADES: He trusts you. You’ve served him for centuries. He is good to you.
TERLOCK: All great things must come to an end, child.
HADES: I cannot.
TERLOCK: You can get away with all kinds of smooth operations.
TERLOCK: A delicate navigations of turning foes against each other, and the foes of foes into allies.
TERLOCK: Then to punctuate it all, a knife in the back.
HADES: You mean to speak of betrayal.
TERLOCK: Oh, so you can whisper after all.
TERLOCK: Now that your father’s abandoned you Hades, you should abandon him in return.
TERLOCK: The time is ripe, and right.
HADES: The time is the opposite of both of those things.
HADES: If I were to eat the time, it would be very squishy and wrong.
HADES: I could never turn on father like that.
TERLOCK: When all he’s ever done is berate and shame you. You’re entire life he has let you down.
TERLOCK: Besides Hades, aren’t princes meant to eventually take over their father’s positions as rulers. If the old man is showing no signs of dying of natural causes, how you ever take his place?
HADES: I don’t need to rule. Don’t impose desires on me that I don’t want.
TERLOCK: As you are now, he’s basically set you up to be a prince in name only.
TERLOCK: A prince of nothing, if you would.
HADES: That’s fine with me as long as I’m useful to father. Princes can still have a purpose beyond waiting in line for his parents to die.
TERLOCK: Your loyalty is as confusing as ever.
TERLOCK: One would think you would be more loyal to the man who's shown you care and affection all your life, rather than the one who only showed you cold indifference, and then his wrath.
TERLOCK: I took care of you ever since you were a little child.
TERLOCK: I taught you everything you know, everything you were, and everything you could become.
HADES: You did raise me.
HADES: Why did you raise me?
TERLOCK: Nero was clearly too busy with his own affairs to properly attend to a 3rd child. Why he ever decided to take in another one is beyond me.
TERLOCK: So i kindly offered to take the burden off of his shoulders.
TERLOCK: Lucky me! The emperor's own son was now my own clay to mold and shape.
TERLOCK: Perhaps you would even become more than your father.
HADES: Was it just on the mere hope that you might one day be able to turn me against my father.
HADES: That made you raise me.
TERLOCK: Most likely.
HADES: That’s fine too I guess.
HADES: But I’m sorry, I can’t be useful to your purposes.
TERLOCK: Come on Hades, what the shinobi people need is an emperor, not a god.
TERLOCK: Don’t you think the old man is way past his time?
TERLOCK: Perhaps he has lost sight of what needs to be done in order to make the Shinobi great?
HADES: Enough of this talk.
HADES: Father is doing everything he can to save us.
HADES: Why would you even want to turn against father? You’re his longest living and most trusted advisor.
TERLOCK: For fun.
TERLOCK: When you live as long as I have, you run out of entertainment and life gets pretty dull.
HADES: How would such treachery be fun!
TERLOCK: I am only trying to be honest with you, Hades.
TERLOCK: And you need to be honest with yourself.
TERLOCK: Think about what is best for you! Best for Shinobi kind!
TERLOCK: Join me, Hades. We can end Nero’s tyrannical rule.
HADES: I won’t!
HADES: Why would you even consider this!
TERLOCK: And nobody else.
TERLOCK: I feel so cared for, Hades.
TERLOCK: I’m glad I spent weeks waiting around for you to return only to be upstaged by smelly beasts.
HADES: You aren’t glad at all, you are mad at me.
TERLOCK: ... Yes that is true. Way to bastardize my sarcasm.
TERLOCK: You have no sense for the subtle art of conversation at all.
HADES: I’m sorry, I would rather just cut straight through the bullshit.
TERLOCK: Heheh, clever child.
TERLOCK: I get it, you are using that particular piece of human profanity because we’re surrounded by bovines, I underestimated you.
HADES: No. That was just a coincidence.
HADES: I would never joke about a matter as serious as cows.
TERLOCK: Really? You could stand to lighten up a bit, you know.
TERLOCK: There is a time to be direct, and a time to approach a situation more casually.
TERLOCK: You know, relax, have a good conversation.
TERLOCK: Make sure to to implement no small amount of meaningful pauses for both members to contemplate.
TERLOCK: Knowing the differences between these and navigating them smoothly is what makes an essential right hand man.
TERLOCK: I assume your little plan to surprise your father with that human demigod didn’t quite go as planned.
TERLOCK: Otherwise you wouldn’t be here making sad faces at these dumb creatures.
HADES: Cows aren’t dumb creatures.
HADES: They are special and innocent.
HADES: And deserve much more than to be insulted by the likes of you.
TERLOCK: I don’t want to talk about cows, Hades.
HADES: Did you know cows have four chambered stomachs?
TERLOCK: You know you should stop trying to change the subject on me, Hades.
TERLOCK: Tell me about your visit with Nero.
HADES: Rose got away.
TERLOCK: Oh, you poor naive thing.
HADES: I am such a failure.
HADES: I let father down. I am no longer worthy of being his son in his eyes. And I never will be.
HADES: Why even bother trying anymore.
HADES: I am of no use to anyone.
HADES: I’m just going to stay on this moon base forever and try not to cause any more damage.
TERLOCK: Now that is no way to talk, Hades.
HADES: Yes it is.
HADES: And no amount of wisdomly platitudes you could impart to me can change that.
TERLOCK: Hades, why don’t you just listen to what I have to say instead of whining?
TERLOCK: You know on this planet they have a beautiful and ancient hymn that imparts some timeless advice for this situation.
TERLOCK: It goes ‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”
HADES: What did I just say about these wisdomly words.
HADES: They mean nothing.
TERLOCK: Hush, you.
TERLOCK: This passage was imparted onto the humans by a prophetic group of singing stones.
HADES: Oh, like how Orpheus could make the stones sing in their myth.
TERLOCK: Yes exactly. Now, following that line of thinking. Perhaps the human escaping and Nero casting you aside was a boon in disguise.
HADES: What do you mean?
HADES: Hello, Terlock.
HADES: With your oblong face and droopy ears.
HADES: You also lack any practical defensive adaptations, those horns are much too short to gore anything.
HADES: There is also much too much weight piled onto your body, and your digestive system is inefficient and far too complex.
HADES: Basically all you are good for is eating, and then lying down.
HADES: But I will protect you from the ensuing chaos, Mr. Cow.
HADES: An innocent creature like you deserves to be safe.
FDAVE: grab your phones
FDAVE: ill go look for a place for us all to hide and text you the location
FDAVE: wait no
FDAVE: ill come get you
FDAVE: i cant risk cristyle getting ahold of anymore information
FDAVE: im sorry guys
FDAVE: this wasnt supposed to happen
JOHN: i know you’re both upset! i am too!
JOHN: but you need to calm down.
JOHN: dave, just tell us what we need to do now.
FDAVE: you are right
FDAVE: we all need to hide
FDAVE: we need to hide before cristyle finds us all and takes us out too
FDAVE: you need to pack up and get the hell out of your house
FDAVE: like right now
VRISKA: So that’s it?
VRISKA: We’re just gonna hide like fucking cowards?
VRISKA: That’s your plan?
FDAVE: its all we can do for now, vriska
VRISKA: Get the fuck off our 8acks, asshole!
VRISKA: Of course we know what’s going on!
FDAVE: could have fooled me
JOHN: yeah. were just... enjoying our free time while we have it!
FDAVE: roxy and jade are gone
JOHN: gone? what do you mean?
FDAVE: they packed up and went on a vacation without telling us
FDAVE: theyre relaxing all cool on the beach right now
FDAVE: what do you think i mean
JOHN: oh no...
FDAVE: i dont know how but she got them
FDAVE: and she probably has the ring
FDAVE: which means as of the moment we have no offense against her
FDAVE: we have to switch ourselves into defensive mode
VRISKA: Are you really that surprised?
VRISKA: You thought it would be a wonderful idea to hedge all your 8ets on a stupid little magical ring that could get lost?
FDAVE: oh im sorry i couldnt come up with a plan as great and helpful as sitting around canoodling in the snow
FDAVE: why the hell werent you answering your phones?
FDAVE: i thought she had gotten you guys!
JOHN: im sorry dave, i guess i forgot to grab my phone.
FDAVE: you forgot to grab your phone???
FDAVE: what the hell!
FDAVE: why are you guys out here fooling around pretending everything is going to be fine
FDAVE: dont you realize that the world is about to fucking end
FDAVE: i thought i told you to wait for my instructions
FDAVE: what is WRONG with you two?
FDAVE: this is exactly why everyone from my timeline fucking died
FDAVE: THERE YOU ARE!
VRISKA: Oh, gr8.
VRISKA: Looks like fun time is over, John.
VRISKA: Time for shit to get fucking real.
JOHN: i love having you around!
VRISKA: Thank you.
JOHN: i’m sure we will find a way to make things right.
JOHN: we always have before.
JOHN: you know just in case we don’t get the chance...
JOHN: i think this is a little overdue.
JOHN: let me just...
VRISKA: Hell, if i were talking to any8ody else I wouldn’t even be admitting all this stupid mushy stuff!
VRISKA: 8ut I can trust you, talking a8out stuff like this!
VRISKA: I-I don’t have to worry about you 8ack sta88ing me or judging me.
VRISKA: And... I’ve never had someone like that 8efore.
VRISKA: So... Uh.
VRISKA: I guess my point is...
VRISKA: For having me around.
VRISKA: You know,
VRISKA: Speaking of that...
VRISKA: I was thinking...
VRISKA: There’s... something I want to say.
VRISKA: Just in case things do go horri8ly wrong in the future and...
VRISKA: I don’t get the chance to say this.
VRISKA: I am very glad I got to spend all this time with you...
VRISKA: You know, learning all your silly human customs and getting to hang out.
VRISKA: Getting to have a less horrible life for a little while.
VRISKA: I know I haven’t always 8een... super pleasant to 8e around.
VRISKA: And that I don’t always seem like I’m having a good time.
JOHN: how bad do you think things are gonna get?
VRISKA: With the whole Shinobi Invasion?
VRISKA: Well, in Future Dave’s timeline, everyone dies and mass destruction ensues so...
VRISKA: That’s the worst it could possi8ly be.
VRISKA: The goal is to keep that from happening.
VRISKA: So hopefully things won’t get too 8ad.
VRISKA: It is completely within the realm of possi8ily that things get really, really shitty for us, really soon.
VRISKA: If I remem8er correctly, you got sta88ed by Jack Noir didn’t you?
VRISKA: I’ll 8et that hurt too.
JOHN: oh yeah. jack did do that didn’t he?
JOHN: i kind of forgot about that.
JOHN: it happened so fast i didn’t really have time to process it.
JOHN: i’ve died before...
VRISKA: Yes you have.
JOHN: you know, our lives are pretty messed up, aren’t they?
VRISKA: You don’t say.
JOHN: both of us aren’t even adults yet, but we’ve both already experienced death then came back to tell the tale.
VRISKA: That’s not even the most fucked up thing, John, you know it.
JOHN: haha, i guess you are right.
VRISKA: Man, we just can’t catch a 8r8k can we.
VRISKA: We are once again about to be involved in a whole 8unch of saving the world 8ullshit.
VRISKA: I mean sure, it’s not as 8ig of a deal as saving the entirety of paradox space as we know it.
VRISKA: 8ut, us god children will have to rise to the occasion and save everyone’s sorry asses again, and it’s probably going to 8e quite disruptive.
JOHN: yeah... right.
JOHN: but hey, we don’t have to worry about that right now.
JOHN: everything is out of our hands for now.
JOHN: all we can do is make the best of whatever time we have for doing “normal” things.
VRISKA: What’s up?
VRISKA: My fingers are getting cold.
JOHN: i’d offer you my gloves, but they probably aren’t any better than yours.
VRISKA: Oh well.
VRISKA: I’ll just deal with it.
VRISKA: If I can handle slowly 8leeding to death after getting beaten up by a telekinetic robot, I can handle this.
JOHN: did that really happen?
VRISKA: Yes. It did.
JOHN: that must have been horrible.
VRISKA: Sorry, I’m being a little overzealous again, aren’t I?
JOHN: what? naah.
JOHN: of course not.
VRISKA: Of course not?
VRISKA: John, I just tackled you and dumped snow on your face.
VRISKA: That’s not overdoing it at least a 8it?
VRISKA: This kind of 8ehavior has gotten me in trouble in the past, you know.
JOHN: if you say so.
JOHN: although it doesn’t specifically say in the official snowball fight rulebook that tackling is disallowed so...
VRISKA: There’s a snowball fight rule8ook?
JOHN: haha no. i’m just messing with you!
JOHN: it’s just a silly game kids play.
JOHN: you're getting snow in my hair!
JOHN: ahahah! vriska!
VRISKA: So it's a fight you want, eh?
VRISKA: I'll give you a fight, mister.
JOHN: i am so sorry!
JOHN: oh my god vriska!
JOHN: i'm so sorry i didn't expect you to turn around!
JOHN: There is one more thing...
VRISKA: What is that?
JOHN: lots of stuff!
JOHN: there is sledding, making snow forts,
JOHN: people near mountains go skiing.
JOHN: my dad took me ice fishing a couple of times but... i wouldn't necessarily call that fun.
VRISKA: I went fishing once.
VRISKA: It ended up with us having to spend two hours trying to pry a hook out of Eridan's fin!
JOHN: that sounds painful.
VRISKA: The guy was crying like a little wriggler!
JOHN: he looks beautiful.
VRISKA: So 8eautiful.
VRISKA: All the other snowmen are jealous of how hot he is.
JOHN: if he was hot, wouldn’t he just be a puddle on the ground?
VRISKA: I guess you are right...
JOHN: then clearly he must be the coolest!
JOHN: what should we name him?
VRISKA: Name him?
VRISKA: John, we can’t get attached to him, he going to melt one day and then we will be devastated!
JOHN: i think... we should name him...
JOHN: Mr. Snowy!
VRISKA: That’s not even a troll name!
JOHN: it’s not?
JOHN: well ok then, what constitutes a troll name?
VRISKA: It must have six letters in 8oth the first and last name, totaling twelve letters.
JOHN: well, ‘ronald reagan’ follows those conventions.
VRISKA: Ronald Reagan?
VRISKA: I don’t know, he doesn’t really look like a Ronald to me.
JOHN: yeah, you are right.
JOHN: he’d need a chimp sidekick for that to work.
JOHN: how about,
JOHN: ‘trollsa hornsy’
VRISKA: That sounds really generic.
JOHN: hehe. you’re right.
JOHN: oh! i know!
JOHN: how about 'howwie mandel.'
VRISKA: isn’t that the guy who plays the gross blue thing in that shitty movie you like?
JOHN: he looks kind of like a troll in little monsters, so it works.
VRISKA: That is an insult to trolls!
JOHN: i know what we will name it.
JOHN: with three c’s in “cage”
VRISKA: John, you can’t just spell names wrong to make it work!
JOHN: come ooooon.
JOHN: you know you love it.
VRISKA: Ok, I kind of do.
VRISKA: He can be niklas cccage!
VRISKA: Make shitty looking spherical snow caricatures of themselves?
JOHN: it sure isn’t sailing across the seas having epic adventures and finding treasure like you did when you were a kid.
JOHN: but it is still moderately entertaining.
VRISKA: Yeah, this is nothing like treasure hunting.
VRISKA: There’s a lot less sword fighting and 8ack-sta88ing.
JOHN: haha. this must seem really lame to you in comparison.
VRISKA: Yet despite that I am having fun somehow.
VRISKA: This is all just...
VRISKA: Enjoyably quaint.
JOHN: haha, enjoyably quaint, huh?
VRISKA: 8uilding snow structures that are o8jectivly completely worthless just for the sake of doing so is the type of activity for people who don’t have any pro8lems.
VRISKA: 8ack on Alternia if you got caught 8uilding such a meaningless structure in your yard instead of, say, feeding your lusus, or maintaining proper landscaping protocol, you could be culled!
VRISKA: This is literally just a 8ig waste of time that could 8e spent doing something productive.
VRISKA: Yet this is somehow common place for you guys?
VRISKA: It’s very strange to me.
VRISKA: But at the same time,
VRISKA: I admire your willingness to partake in these activities just for the sake of doing so.
JOHN: well, i’m just glad you are enjoying yourself!
VRISKA: I am.
JOHN: i think our snowman is looking pretty good.
JOHN: do you think he look’s done?
VRISKA: Of course not! He’s missing the most important part.
KATE: I was just...
KATE: Passing by.
WARREN: If you say so...
WARREN: I don't mean to rush you, Miss Cristyle.
WARREN: It's... probably best if we hurry up.
WARREN: They are waiting for us.
CRISTYLE: Of course, of course!
CRISTYLE: I can't keep my human friends waiting!
CRISTYLE: Let us proceed.
CRISTYLE: I recognize that scared face.
CRISTYLE: You were the poor little human that almost got drilled to death by that nasty troll!
CRISTYLE: At a loss for words, I see?
CRISTYLE: You know, you never thanked me for being so heroic and brave and saving your life!
CRISTYLE: You look familiar!
WARREN: Yes. We'll need your help getting useful information out of them.
CRISTYLE: That I will do!
CRISTYLE: I will do whatever it takes to help you humans, I can assure you.
CRISTYLE: We will put these menaces in their place!
WARREN: Oh, I hope so.
GARY: Are you still there?
KATE: Yeah, sorry I got distracted.
KATE: I just saw a bunch of armored guards dragging those two aliens down a hallway???
GARY: Wait WHAT?
GARY: You mean those two trolls that showed up?
GARY: Kate you have to follow them!
GARY: I want to know what's going on!
KATE: What? No! I'm not getting involved.
GARY: Come on, I've been trying to get some information about those guys all week!
GARY: Do you realize what's going on here?
GARY: This is our government's first formal contact with REAL ALIENS!
GARY: This is huge!!!
GARY: In fact, historic things are going down here!
GARY: What will this mean for humanity?
GARY: Will we treat them as friend or enemy???
GARY: You HAVE to find out!
GARY: I HAVE to know what's happening!
KATE: I thought we already established that the trolls were friendly.
KATE: And that the big scary ninja guys were liars.
GARY: Or maybe that's what they want us to think!
GARY: Maybe we are being duped!
GARY: Or maybe not!
GARY: There are so many important questions, Kate!
GARY: Come on!
GARY: I know you like to act all aloof and like you don't care about anything.
GARY: But deep down aren't you at least a little bit curious about what's going on?
KATE: Ok, fine. Whatever.
KATE: I'll... see what I can find out.
KATE: Ow! That was really loud.
KATE: Alright, I'm hanging up now.
KATE: I'll call you back.
GARY: About the farmer whose livestock went missing?
GARY: Oh my god.
GARY: These guys have been standing around looking at paperwork for the past hour.
GARY: We could have easily done this anywhere else instead of standing around in the cold.
GARY: They wouldn't even let me investigate the corn field for crop circles.
GARY: I could have discovered something major!
KATE: What? That the farmer has a pair of cardboard shoes and too much time?
KATE: Knowing you I would have thought you'd come up with some elaborate conspiracy for what happened to those missing cows by now.
KATE: Like, aliens abducted them for some reason.
KATE: Because cows are super important.
GARY: No! Of course that didn't happen! The guy probably left his gate open or something!
KATE: That's almost like… a reasonable and kind of boring conclusion to get to.
KATE: So unlike you.
GARY: You're right.
GARY: I think all these boring people and their boringness is contagious.
KATE: What's boring about them?
GARY: Well they're just like, you know.
KATE: What do I know?
GARY: They're doing their jobs completely by the book.
GARY: Then they keep looking at the clock like they don't even want to be here.
GARY: Then the second the clock runs out they go home and don't think twice about it.
KATE: That sounds like what a normal person would do.
KATE: Sounds like what I do all the time.
KATE: Are you calling me boring?
GARY: No, you are different.
KATE: In what way?
GARY: Well you're, you!
GARY: Well, I mean.
GARY: I don't think you are boring.
GARY: She called a criminal hotline for that?
GARY: That's not a crime.
KATE: I know! That's what I said!
KATE: It ended up dragging on for like twenty minutes while I tried to explain to her that this was thoroughly out of our jurisdiction.
KATE: Stupid crazy cat lady.
GARY: I hope you didn't actually tell her that.
KATE: ... I may have heavily implied it.
KATE: Besides, who cares? She was an idiot.
GARY: Well you think everyone is an idiot, Kate.
KATE: This one woman called me about her cat being stuck in a tree! Of course she was a huge idiot! The more time she spent jabbering at me the longer her stupid cat had to sit up there and potentially fall out or whatever.
GARY: Ah, what can you do.
GARY: Some people legitimately don't know who to call for that kind of stuff.
GARY: No use getting mad at them.
KATE: But I've been dealing with people like that all day, I'm at my wit's end.
GARY: She's probably at her wit's end too, what with her cat being in danger.
GARY: Maybe that cat is her only friend.
GARY: Maybe you just ruined her day with your complete apathy about her situation.
KATE: Oh. I ruined 'her' day.
GARY: What, are you gonna let this ruin your day too?
GARY: Come on Kate, it was just a silly phone call.
KATE: I didn't waste four years of my life in college to answer damn silly phone calls.
GARY: Why did you waste four years in college then?
KATE: I don't even know anymore.
GARY: No, I can sneak away for a few minutes.
GARY: Taking a break from answering all those super important phone calls that I know you just love?
GARY: How thoughtful of you to tear yourself away from such absorbing work just to talk to me!
KATE: Don't flatter yourself, Gary.
GARY: Did someone piss you off again?
KATE: You have no idea.
GARY: Let's hear it.
KATE: As if I actually give a shit about that?
KATE: I've been at this for twenty minutes, lady.
KATE: So go right ahead.
KATE: Make my day.
KATE: The less time I have to sit here listening to this asinine drivel the better.
KATE: Actually you know what
KATE: Screw this.
KATE: I can just hang up myself.
KATE: I'm a "Cat hater?"
KATE: (I cannot believe you just made me do airquotes).
KATE: Oh, *of course.*
KATE: THAT'S why I'm not reporting any of this.
KATE: Not because this has nothing to do with criminal investigations.
KATE: Not because this whole conversation is a complete waste of my time.
KATE: And is probably distracting from other more important calls that are on hold.
KATE: It's because I hate cats.
KATE: I'm a member of the cat hating agenda, we meet underneath the bridge at midnight and our password is syc sempter tigerannus.
KATE: What do you mean "I'm being sassy?"
KATE: This is me at my mildest setting. It's not my fault everybody else has the wit of a loaf of bread.
KATE: Why are you so worried? From the impression I'm getting you probably have like thirty more cats anyway.
KATE: What? No, I'm not insulting you!
KATE: I technically didn't say you were a crazy cat lady, I just heavily implied it.
KATE: This is a hotline for reporting leads in criminal activity.
KATE: So unless your cat being stuck in a tree is somehow related to an important national crime,
KATE: Or if the cat you are referring to is some kind of catburglar,
KATE: You are calling the wrong people.
KATE: No! Nobody put your cat up there on purpose! Even if they did, that's not even a real crime?!
KATE: I don’t know what to tell you.
KATE: Call the fire department.
KATE: Call a neighbor with a ladder.
KATE: Call literally anybody else.
KATE: How many time do I have to tell you.
KATE: There is nothing I can do for you.
KATE: Cats always land on their feet anyway, I’m not sure why this has to be such a federal issue to you.
MINERVA: The human!
MINERVA: I want you to have this!
MINERVA: You can take it home and show your parents!
MINERVA: It has all sort of fun information about human factions that you can learn about!
MINERVA: Doesn't that sound fun?
MINERVA: I hope I haven't startled you with my enthusiam, child!~
MINERVA: I just get so excited about humans!
MINERVA: Haha! You are probably so confused!
MINERVA: Oh, little one.
MINERVA: Are you still shy?
MINERVA: Why do you hide your face?
MINERVA: What an adorable cloak!
ELAPSO: It is very mysterious!
MINERVA: Where did you get?
MINERVA: Aww.. it's ok! You don't need to be afraid, little one!
MINERVA: Here! Look at this!
MINERVA: Look at the toy!
MINERVA: You see this charming fellow?
MINERVA: He is a human!
MINERVA: One of the greatest humans to have ever lived!~
MINERVA: His name is Doctor Who, and he is a great hero among the Humans of London!
MINERVA: Traveling across time and space fighting bad guys!
ELAPSO: Yup! Such a marvelous hero.
MINERVA: Oh, aren't you excited, little one!?
MINERVA: Humankind is so fascinating!!!
MINERVA: Just think how great our empire will become once they have been assimilated!
ELAPSO: Of course, it is important that we preserve their culture!
MINERVA: Yes! Right!
MINERVA: You see child, we are part of a group raising awareness about human culture!
MINERVA: We don't want to see it destroyed after we assimilate them, like many of the species that have previously joined us.
MINERVA: So we have been documenting as much information as we can in order to preserve it!
ELAPSO: So many different human factions that need to be remembered!
MINERVA: There is The Japan Faction, the Mexico Faction, the Australia Faction, and my personal favorite, the London Faction!
ELAPSO: You always get so excited about the London Humans, Minerva.
MINERVA: Oh, I'd give anything to see Big Ben in real life.~
MINERVA: You see, they have this big tower named Big Ben with a clock face on it!
MINERVA: They built it as a monument to Doctor Who!
MINERVA: Because Doctor Who is a time traveler.
MINERVA: And the clock represents time!
MINERVA: What are you giggling at, child?
ELAPSO: Minerva, I think you might be rambling again!
MINERVA: Oops! Excuse me!~
MINERVA: You there, child!
MINERVA: If we may have a moment of your time!
MINERVA: Come on now, no need to be shy!
ELAPSO: Yup! No need to be shy!
ELAPSO: We don't bite!
In another world...
FD removed TG from the memo.
FD: listen up
FD: ive got important information that everyone needs to hear
FD: and it is of dire importance that everyone who is available respond to this immediately
TG: whats up
CG: OH NO, IT BEGINS AGAIN.
CG: THE INEVITABLE DISASTER THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN TWO ITERATIONS OF THE SAME PERSON TALK ON THE SAME MEMO.
TG: its ok karkat
TG: future dave and i have settled our differences
CG: OH HAVE YOU NOW?
CG: JUST WAIT. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS. THE CONVERSATION WILL SOON DEVOLVE INTO A RAGING TANTRUM OF THINLY DISGUISED SELF LOATHING. JUST WATCH.
FD: karkat this bullshit is driving us further away from very important matters
FD: so can you please just can it for now
FD: has anyone seen roxy since the end of the world meeting
GG: No I haven't!
GG: What happened?
GT: That's a negatory on my end.
FD: oh no
FD: shit this is really bad
FD: that means ive been getting phoney messages from her
FD: im at her house
FD: she hasnt been here for almost a week
FD: i think the shinobi have roxy
FD: no sign of the magic ring either
GG: What!? Oh dear!
GT: Ay caramba, how could this have happened?
FD: i dont know
FD: this doesnt make sense
GG: They have Roxy?!
GG: What are they doing to her?
GG: Oh god, I hope they aren't hurting her!
TT: Do you think they want information from her?
GG: What are they going to do to her, Dave!?
GT: It'll be ok, Jane! They can't kill her remember? She'll be fine!
TG: but some things are worse than death
GG: Oh no no no! I don't even want to think about it!
FD: im so sorry guys
FD: i dont know what happened
FD: this is all wrong
FD: wheres jade
FD: and john vriska and rose
FD: er wait
FD: rose is still on cyronillia
CG: HAVE YOU TRIED INSULTING VRISKA BEHIND HER BACK, SHE HAS LIKE A PSYCHIC SENSE FOR IT AND WILL PROBABLY SHOW UP TO INSULT YOU IN RETURN..
CG: YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SHE'S LITERALLY PSYCHIC.
FD: of all the disastrous things that are going wrong today i cannot believe one of them is me freaking out about a situation while karkat calmly plays it off as a joke
TG: come to think of it jades been unusually quiet lately
TG: shes usually talking my ear off about some nerd shit while i nod politely
TG: except im not nodding to be polite im actually nodding along with the beats inside my head
FD: oh no
FD: no no no no no
GT: I haven't seen hide nor hair of her recently, either.
FD: shit shit shit shit
FD: who lives the closest to jade
GG: I think I do.
FD: do you think you can check on her for us
GG: Yes. I can do it. I'll run over there as fast as I can.
FD: no you need to fly over there its much faster
FD: cant we all do that
FD: ok good
FD: be careful
FD: you guys here yet
TG: i talked to john yesterday
FD: yes so did i
GT: What do you think is going on, future dave?
FD: i dont know
FD: this wasnt supposed to happen
FD: this wasnt part of the plan
FD: this didnt happen in my timeline
FD: shit shit shit SHIT
FD: where did we go wrong
FD: and if jade is missing too then that means weve lost basically our most powerful member
FD: no offense to anyone with less incredibly broken super powers
TT: None taken.
FD: this also means that whoever has roxy has the ring now
FD: this is really bad
FD: fucking hell
FD: and nobody seems to grasp the seriousness of this besides me
CG: WELCOME TO THE SPECIAL 10TH CIRCLE OF HELL THAT IS MEMOS, BUDDY.
FD: karkat please
CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION I AM ACTUALLY VERY ALARMED RIGHT NOW.
CG: ME MAKING ALL THESE SNIDE COMMENTS IS JUST MY WAY OF COPING ALRIGHT.
GT: I am also quite perturbed by the seriousness of the situation.
GT: Is there anything we can do in the meantime?
TT: Yeah. I want to find whoever did this to my friends and kick the shit out of them.
FD: i dont know
FD: if we can do anything right now
FD: we need a new plan
FD: everything is going wrong
FD: what you guys need to do
FD: is hide
FD: the shinobi know where we live
FD: and now that they have the ring they have a way to neutralize us
FD: so they have no reason not to come after the rest of us
GT: Can do.
CG: WHATEVER YOU SAY.
TG: got it
FD: im going to run and check on john and vriska
FD: they may be fine but we have to be sure
FD: stay safe guys
FD closed the memo.
FDAVE: she hasnt been online since...
FDAVE: last week
FDAVE: roxy are you there
FDAVE: this place looks deserted
FDAVE: where the hell is she
FDAVE: she can just appearify a new window
FDAVE: but are you going to answer the door
FDAVE: this is getting ridiculous
FDAVE: theres no footprints outside her house
FDAVE: maybe she hasnt left yet
TG: hey roxy
TG: you there
TG: hows the ring going
TG: still workin on it :3
TG: jeez cant you be patient
TG: oh god we have the same username abbreviation
TG: you know what im gonna make a new account hang on
TG: with alpha dave using the same account this is gonna get confusing fast
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --
-- futureDave [FD] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --
FD: yeah i dont have the time to think of a snappy ironic username right now
FD: not to put any pressure on you or anything roxy
FD: but we really need that ring cloned
FD: we cant really move on without until that is done
FD: how much progress have you made so far
FD: roxy what are you doing
TG: sheesh you totes need to calm down
TG: im working on it
TG: copying ancient shinobi artifacts takes a lot of time
FD: ancient shinobi artifact
FD: how did you know that
FD: what if i came over to help you out
FD: i know i probably cant do much for you
FD: but i need to see how much longer this is going to take
TG: dont come over
TG: i just left
TG: to go buy more bread
FD: roxy you dont need to be nervous about this
FD: im coming over alright
FD: ill be there shortly
FD: alright whatever
-- futureDave [FD] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --
FDAVE: i probably look like a train wreck dont i
FDAVE: comin to bring news of the apocolypse and shit
FDAVE: id be startled myself
FDAVE: so i can check the magic pokeball off the list
FDAVE: now i just need to get it somewhere safe
FDAVE: as far as magical artifacts go we just need those copies of the ring
FDAVE: should probably check up on roxy and see what kinda progress shes making
LIZ: Sorry to keep you waiting!
FDAVE: i know it probably sucks to give this thing up
FDAVE: but im glad youre working with us here
LIZ: Of course! It's no problem really.
LIZ: I'm happy to help in any way I can!
FDAVE: good to hear
LIZ: Alright. Well I've gotta take off now.
LIZ: I mean I gotta get back to work.
LIZ: Back what I was doing.
LIZ: So I'll see you later?
ZELGORATH: You can handle anything, master.
LIZ: You think?
LIZ: Not that Dave guy.
LIZ: Don't you think it's just a bit rude to take something from me just because I might do something bad with it?
ZELGORATH: That logic does sound flawed.
LIZ: I mean, all you have to do is tell me not to catch some magic bird thing!
LIZ: And I'll listen!
LIZ: I'm not that irresponsible!
LIZ: Do you think I'm incompetent?
ZELGORATH: Of course not, master.
LIZ: Yeah. I just got it.
FDAVE: im gonna need it though
FDAVE: as vriska told you
FDAVE: that pokeball is some super dangerous shit
FDAVE: and where i come from you end up using it to capture the magical first guardian bird and screw us over
FDAVE: it is best if that device was in safe hands
LIZ: Yeah. I know.
LIZ: Future me is too incompetant to handle being a real Pokemon trainer.
FDAVE: hey dont take it that way
FDAVE: future you didnt do it on purpose
FDAVE: i just need to make sure all lose ends in this timeline are tied up to make sure we have the best chances of not getting fucked up
LIZ: I understand.
LIZ: I'll go get it.
LIZ: Were you just...
LIZ: Standing there yelling "ding dong?"
FDAVE: your doorbell was broken so i figured id just yell that until someone answered the door
FDAVE: and hope they didnt look at me funny
FDAVE: kind of like what you are doing now
LIZ: You could have just knocked instead?
FDAVE: but yelling onamonapia in the place of an actual doorbell sounded way more ironic than just beating my bare knuckles on a wooden door
FDAVE: im dave by the way
FDAVE: i mean
FDAVE: "future dave"
FDAVE: vriska told you about me right
FDAVE: otherwise you are probably really confused as to why this scruffy looking teenager wearing a tattered cape and broken sunglasses is standing on your doorstep right now
LIZ: Yes! She did tell me!
FDAVE: sick pikachu hoodie by the way
LIZ: Thanks! I made it myself.
FDAVE: so anyway
FDAVE: down to business
LIZ: Yeah. I will.
LIZ: Not much. Just looking at my cards.
RUFIOH: 1 assume your lookin at that sweet g1ft 1 just appearif1ed for ya?
LIZ: Yes, I am.
LIZ: It looks awesome!
RUFIOH: aw, thanks!
RUFIOH: 1 knew youd l1ke 1t!
RUFIOH: took one of your human pokemon spheres and t1nkered with a b1t.
RUFIOH: added some cool fiduspawn tech.
RUFIOH: now you've got a sweet l1ttle toy that will capture any w1ld f1duspawn and make 1t your own!
RUFIOH: well... 1 know you guys dont have wild fiduspawn on your planet but any old creature w1ll do.
RUFIOH: so 1f you see any s1ck monsters you wanna nab, now you can go for 1t.
LIZ: Thanks a lot, Rufioh.
LIZ: I really appreciate the thought.
RUFIOH: hey its no problem, doll. }:)
RUFIOH: you know, my pals horrus and cronus got sent to your planet a few days ago.
LIZ: Oh. Really?
RUFIOH: 1 remember you saying how exciting 1t was for you to be meeting all these al1ens.
RUFIOH: maybe they can stop by and say h1 when the1r done with the1r weird mission or whatever.
RUFIOH: aw sh*t.
RUFIOH: 1 hate to cut our conversation short.
RUFIOH: but 1 gotta go take care of some stuff.
RUFIOH: gotta go f1ght the sea dwellers again.
RUFIOH: yeah. 1t's pretty dumb.
RUFIOH: 1ll talk to you later then, doll.
ZELGORATH: Master. What is that.
ZELGORATH: It just appeared out of nowhere.
LIZ: It's nothing.
LIZ: Just a cool gift that I don't get to keep.
LIZ: If I draw all four of these and activate them you get a plus five hundred power boost and gain the ability "Plasma Shot."
LIZ: Isn't that awesome?
ZELGORATH: Yes. Such power is to be admired.
LIZ: You know its amazing that just these flimsy pieces of paper can do so much.
LIZ: You don't happen to know how they work, do you?
LIZ: Is it like magic? Or really complicated science?
ZELGORATH: I have no idea, Master.
ZELGORATH: I just do as I as the cards tell me. I have no need to understand the mechanics of my actions.
LIZ: Maybe they are like, psychic cards then?
ZELGORATH: That sounds plausible.
VRISKA: Thanks, John.
VRISKA: That does sound like fun.
JOHN: you just walked out here without a jacket!
VRISKA: Of course.
JOHN: you know what?
JOHN: you can help me build a snowman!
JOHN: that will give us something to do!
VRISKA: Really? You want to 8uild a pointless things out of snow that's going to melt eventually?
JOHN: yeah! it will be fun!
VRISKA: At least, not in real life.
VRISKA: It is very sparkly.
JOHN: heh. yeah.
JOHN: when i was little i would always go outside and make snow forts and snow men.
VRISKA: You're telling me humans play in this stuff?
VRISKA: It's so cold.
VRISKA: John, look outside.
VRISKA: It's snowing.
JOHN: oh yeah.
JOHN: it's been snowing all morning.
JOHN: on the bright side it gives us more time to at least pretend things are normal until all the saving the world stuff starts.
VRISKA: Pretend things are normal?
VRISKA: John, we are apparently on the verge of some interplanetary war, and you want to just sit around and act like everything is fine?
VRISKA: Doesn't that drive you insane at all?
JOHN: yeah, it did.
JOHN: but you know what i've realized.
JOHN: there is no point in worrying about something that you can't control.
JOHN: we just have to entertain ourselves until we get the chance to do something.
VRISKA: What's the point in that?
JOHN: if you sit there being anxious about whats to come, then when the time actually comes you'll be so wound up that you won't be able to function properly!
VRISKA: I'm not anxious a8out it!
VRISKA: I just don't like sitting here 8eing useless!
JOHN: sometimes you have to take a backseat, vriska. thats just the way it is.
VRISKA: That's the way it is if you are a loser.
JOHN: what, are you saying i'm a loser vriska?
JOHN: that's not very nice!
VRISKA: What! No! I didn't say that.
JOHN: but, you know, for a loser i'm not doing too bad.
JOHN: i'm not wasting time being worried about stuff.
JOHN: and i've got a cool alien girl i get to hang out with.
JOHN: and id sure love it if she could enjoy our time together instead of being so worried about pointless things!
VRISKA: You are right, John.
VRISKA: I will try... pretending... things are normal.
VRISKA: There is no point in worrying a8out something I can't control.
JOHN: that's the spirit!
JOHN: since it has been decided that hanging out with you is more interesting than tv,
JOHN: what do you want to do today?
VRISKA: Hmm... You know I didn't plan this far ahead when I said that.
VRISKA: What else is there to do,
VRISKA: Aside from waiting around for Future Dave to give us some news and for Roxy to finish cloning those damn rings?
VRISKA: Seriously, what is taking her so long? I want to zap that fucking blue ninja with a magical ring already.
JOHN: i was wondering the same thing.
JOHN: i texted her earlier, actually.
JOHN: apparently she ran into some problems cloning them?
VRISKA: Ran into problems?
JOHN: i dunno.
JOHN: thats all she said.
JOHN: so i guess we just have to wait.
VRISKA: At this rate *I* could clone the rings faster.
VRISKA: Iâve had it ever since I was small child.
JOHN: you read this when you were a kid???
JOHN: holy shit, vriska.
JOHN: iâm not sure if thatâs hardcore or just fucked up.
VRISKA: This 8ook saved my life John! It taught me how to survive, and how to be tough!
VRISKA: Mindfang was my fucking hero! I did everything I could to make myself more like her!
VRISKA: You know how I always wear red shoes?
VRISKA: That is in honor of the trademark red boots she would strut around in all the time.
VRISKA: Of course... may8e trying to 8e like her wasnât all for the 8est.
VRISKA: I did a lot of terri8le things I canât take 8ack 8ecause of my attempts to mimic her.
JOHN: but you arenât like that anymore, right?
JOHN: that stuff is in the past now.
VRISKA: Yeah, you are right. It doesnât matter anymore.
JOHN: you know come to think of it, i had a book like that when i was kid.
JOHN: it was the book i always looked to when i wanted to hone my prankster gambit.
JOHN: âcolonel sassacreâs daunting text of magical frivolity and practical japery.â
VRISKA: Thatâs quite the mouthful of a 8ook title.
JOHN: yeah, i know right?
JOHN: such a title is too complicated to even be mentioned in regular conversation without raising a few eyebrows.
JOHN: even the title of the book is a prank! haha!
JOHN: thats the kind of next level humor colonel sassacre was all about.
JOHN: and iâve done my best to live up to his prankster legacy.
VRISKA: Are you really trying to lecture me about ânext levelâ humor?
VRISKA: Just last week you thought it would be funny to give me can of peanuts, only to open it and have it launch springy snakes everywhere!
VRISKA: Thatâs not ânext levelâ, thatâs just childish!
JOHN: oh, but you see,
JOHN: It was totally next level!
JOHN: because there is no way i would be handling a can of peanuts in the first place!
VRISKA: ...Why not?
JOHN: because iâm allergic to peanuts!
VRISKA: You are?
JOHN: yeah. if i eat them, i will die!
VRISKA: Well, shit. Weâve found Egbertâs one true weakness, folks. Donât let the Shinobi get ahold of this precious information, for the fate of our Windy Hero depends on it.
JOHN: that would be a pretty lame way to die.
JOHN: but, back to sassacre,
JOHN: i guess i looked up to him the same way you looked up to mindfang.
JOHN: him and my grandma both, really.
JOHN: since she was the one who made sure i got that book in the first place as an heirloom.
JOHN: she even wrote me a message in the book before she died telling me how much she believed in me!
VRISKA: I 8et she was a wonderful person.
JOHN: i got to meet her as a sprite, and she absolutely was a wonderful person!
VRISKA: Makes me wonder how I would have turned out had Mindfang not 8een kind of terri8le.
JOHN: who knows?
JOHN: but, you know, just because someone is your hero doesnât mean you have to be one hundred percent like them.
JOHN: sassacre was actually pretty racist.
JOHN: and i saw no need to imitate that.
JOHN: so, maybe looking up to mindfang isnât so bad, if you just omit the bad stuff, and learn from what they did right!
VRISKA: Yeah. Thatâs true.
JOHN: why, whatâs wrong?
VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhhh, you are not allowed to read this!
JOHN: why, is it your diary or something?
JOHN: you keep a diary?
VRISKA: No, itâs not my diary!
VRISKA: Itâs Mindfangs dairy!
JOHN: i think i remember you telling me about this. a long time ago.
JOHN: she was like, your great, great grandma or something?
VRISKA: No, she was my ancestor, dummy!
JOHN: oh yeah
JOHN; right, trolls donât have grandparents...
JOHN: why donât you want me to read it, if you donât mind me asking?
VRISKA: This 8ook.
VRISKA: Contains content I donât think you can handle.
JOHN: oh please, weâve already established that i am a badass. i think i can handle your ancestorâs daring pirate escapades.
VRISKA: Of course, 8ut,
VRISKA: John, you were em8arissed 8y kissing.
VRISKA: If you stumbled on the wrong page of this 8ook, I think you would actually die of shame.
JOHN: you just have,
JOHN: a book of alien porn laying around?
VRISKA: What? Of course n8t!
VRISKA: There is a lot of really cool shit in here aside from the risque and gruesome 8its.
VRISKA: You were right, a8out the pir8 escapade stuff. Mindfang wrote a8out all the awesome things she did and all the amazing places she traveled too, and all the interesting people she met.
JOHN: and banged.
VRISKA: Sh8t up!
JOHN: hey, whatâs this book?
JOHN: i keep seeing you reading it.
VRISKA: DONâT LOOK AT THAT!
VRISKA: 8ecause I am waaaaaaaay more interesting than those dum8 human television programs you were planning on watching, right? :::;)
JOHN: i donât know, vriska. thats a pretty bold assertion!
JOHN: can you deliver thirty minutes of colorful animation, funny dialogue, and a fully constructed plot arc with a beginning middle and end?
JOHN: like, right now?
VRISKA: I donât need to!
VRISKA: Hanging out with me is an interactive experience, John! Way better than all that passive sitting in front of a tv nonsense.
VRISKA: Your silly cartoons wonât care a8out you, and talk to you, and spend time with you.
VRISKA: And give you lots of kisses. :::;)
VRISKA: What, are you em8arrassed?
JOHN: a little bit.
VRISKA: Awwwwwwww, you are so adora8le!
JOHN: iâm not adorable, iâm a badass wind god!
VRISKA: Well the offer is always open, John. You just remem8er that. No TV remote required!
JOHN: eheh, right. iâll keep that in mind.
VRISKA: Whats up?
JOHN: have you seen the remote anywhere?
VRISKA: Nope. You lost it again?
JOHN: hey, i donât suppose you can use your cool psychic powers to find the remote, can you?
VRISKA: Well, the remote doesnât have a consciousness, so no. I canât do that.
VRISKA: Itâs gotta have a brain for my powers to work.
VRISKA: Or some equivalent thought producing structure, I suppose.
<embed src="https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/76929498/19/SVriska%20Dream.swf" width="640" height="480" align="center" loop="false">
Youtube version: https://youtu.be/yzl3ktzfNEc
EB: alright, see you then.
TG: bye bye!
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
EB: hey roxy.
EB: you have the ring, right?
EB: future dave is really paranoid, he wanted to make sure.
TG: oh yes
TG: i totes have the ring
TG: and i will totes make plenty of copies
EB: alright! we just needed to make sure.
TG: no need to worry, friendo
EB: not to be picky but,
EB: is that a thing people actually say, or are you just being funny.
TG: of course it is a thing people say
TG: you have totes been living under a rock
EB: well alright then.
TG: now if you will excuse me i have got to get home and get totes busy on cloning this ring
EB: ok, see you later.
TG: bye bye!
ROXY: is that you
ROXY: whats up
FDAVE: what did you do with the ring?
JOHN: huh? i dont know. i wasnât paying attention
FDAVE: john we need that ring its kind of important
JOHN: i think roxy might have grabbed it
JOHN: you know so she could make copies
FDAVE: oh yeah
JOHN: whats wrong?
FDAVE: can you
FDAVE: just text her and double check
FDAVE: that ring is important i just wanna make sure she didnt like
FDAVE: drop it
FDAVE: or something
JOHN: yeah i can do that
JADE: marie, what?
JADE: i dont understand
JADE: how are you-
MARIE: Isnât it obvious?
MARIE: You have been duped!
MARIE: I was never your pet!
MARIE: I was a spy!
MARIE: And I played you like a fiddle!
JADE: that means...
JADE: do you want some steak?
JADE: yes you do!~
MARIE: You know what, I think I will pass.
JADE: as soon as we get home i have a nice meal waiting for you.
JADE: and ive also got some leftover steak im sure youll be delighted to have!
JADE: ive got to get her home, im sure she is starving.
JADE: come here, marie!
JADE: lets go home!
JOHN: back when you were giving that speech,
JOHN: you kept alluding to your partner...
JOHN: who i assume helped you plan all of this?
FDAVE: she did
FDAVE: you know john you sure cant shut about vriska tonight
JOHN: i just wish she was here is all.
JOHN: she handles this kind of stuff a lot better than i do.
JOHN: you said that future vriska didnt make it here with you?
JOHN: what exactly happened?
FDAVE: is one serket not enough for you john
FDAVE: because if you were hoping to mack on two vriskas at once then you are out of luck
JOHN: im just curious is all.
FDAVE: we were the only two of our group who were still alive
FDAVE: she was going to come here with me
FDAVE: but she died before that could happen
JOHN: sorry about that.
FDAVE: it doesnt matter anymore
FDAVE: shes alive in this timeline
FDAVE: and were gonna make sure she stays alive
FDAVE: were gonna make sure all of you stay alive
JOHN: did she...
FDAVE: did she what
JOHN: you said i gave my life to save vriska
JOHN: how badly did that hurt her.
FDAVE: what do you mean
JOHN: i don't know.
JOHN: i don't claim to know exactly how she feels about me.
JOHN: it's kind of hard to tell sometimes.
JOHN: but if i died because of her.
JOHN: and she had to live with that.
JOHN: ugh i know it doesn't matter.
JOHN: i just, weirdly feel guilty about it and i don't know why.
JOHN: i dont know if she would have rather died because of her own recklessness
JOHN: or live with what she did to me.
FDAVE: well if you must know she was incredibly fucked after that happened
FDAVE: like i couldnt even imagine that she would get that fucked up
FDAVE: john there is no point in worrying about what happened in my timeline
FDAVE: its over
FDAVE: it doesnt matter anymore
FDAVE: we just have to keep moving forward
FDAVE: and do what we can to make sure none of that ever happens
FDAVE: its what future vriska would have wanted
JOHN: you're right.
KARKAT: HEY JOHN.
JOHN: yeah karkat?
KARKAT: NOT THAT YOU LIKE, HAVEN'T BEEN A GOOD HOST OR WHATEVER.
KARKAT: AND I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE A DICK FOR DOING THIS.
KARKAT: BUT I THINK IM GONNA STAY WITH DAVE FOR A WHILE.
DAVE: yeah i hope you dont mind john
DAVE: i havent seen the k man in a while
DAVE: thought itd be nice to catch up
JOHN: yeah, no go ahead!
JOHN: do what you want to do, karkat.
KARKAT: ALRIGHT. COOL. I'VE JUST BEEN KIND OF FEELING LIKE A THIRD WHEEL AROUND HERE, YOU KNOW?
KARKAT: AND I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE STAYING HERE WITH VRISKA ALL DAY.
KARKAT: THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF US BITCHING AT EACH OTHER I CAN HANDLE WITHOUT MY BRAIN HEMORRHAGING.
JOHN: sorry about that.
KARKAT: BUT, ASIDE FROM THAT.
KARKAT: IT ACTUALLY WAS NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JOHN. AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT
KARKAT: I WILL KEEP IN TOUCH.
JOHN: it was nice seeing you again too, karkat!
FDAVE: as i mentioned
FDAVE: actually finding cristyle will be a challenge
FDAVE: since we have no way of knowing how far i sent her into the future
JAKE: maybe if we are lucky, she will have been sent so far into the future it doesn't matter!
FDAVE: that would be great
FDAVE: but we have to assume she will be appearing soon and start watching out for her
FDAVE: we cant let our guard down on false assumptions
FDAVE: luckily for us
FDAVE: cristyle has entangled herself in our government at this point
FDAVE: and we might be able to pin her down while she is messing with them
FDAVE: kate and gary should be able to help us with that
KARKAT: YOU MEAN THOSE DUMBFUCKS IN THE SUITS?
FDAVE: they are actually pretty chill
FDAVE: as anyone wearing sunglasses should be
FDAVE: especially gary
FDAVE: hes like my awesomeness combined with johns encyclopedic knowledge of bad movies
FDAVE: so the sooner you can start cooperating with them the better
JOHN: i thought they were out to get us.
FDAVE: its the more qualified agents you have to watch out for
FDAVE: speaking of people who we need to bring into our circle of heroes
FDAVE: vriskas friend liz will be involved with us at some point
FDAVE: mostly because she absolutely refuses to not be involved
KARKAT: WOW NO WONDER THEY ARE FRIENDS.
KARKAT: VRISKA JUST LOVES PEOPLE WHO REMIND HER OF HERSELF.
KARKAT: JOHN, YOU BETTER MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR GIRLFRIEND AWAY FROM MIRRORS OTHERWISE SHE MIGHT DUMP YOU TO MAKE OUT WITH HER REFLECTION.
DAVE: dude dont even joke about that its a serious possibility
KARKAT: I LOVE WHEN WE ARE ABOUT BURNING VRISKA.
JOHN: can we stop talking about vriska behind her back?
FDAVE: yeah actually guys
FDAVE: thats not fair at all
KARKAT: SINCE WHEN DID YOU CARE?
FDAVE: anyway liz
FDAVE: shes important to our plan because
FDAVE: i dont know how to explain this without sounding like a nerd so im just going to lay it for you straight
FDAVE: she uses a pokeball to help bring about the end of the world
ROXY: haha what? how?
FDAVE: i know i
FDAVE: i just
FDAVE: i know
KARKAT: SHE DOOMS THE WORLD WITH A WHAT? A POKEY BALL? WHAT EVEN IS THAT? IS THAT LIKE SOME SORT OF HUMAN MATRIORB? HOW DID SHE EVEN ACQUIRE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
FDAVE: no not even close
FDAVE: its like part of the game pokemon
FDAVE: where you pick monsters and then you raise them
FDAVE: and you make them fight each other
FDAVE: but for some reason its not illegal
FDAVE: and they all got anime eyes
JOHN: its like fiduspawn but for humans
KARKAT: OH. OF COURSE. OF COURSE IT IS. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GUYS PLAY THOSE DUMBFUCK GAMES FOR GIRLS.
FDAVE: well of course what liz does is only a contributing fuck up to the many fuck ups that bring about our doom
FDAVE: but its best to eliminate all possible threats
JADE: so... how exactly does she ruin everything with a pokeball?
FDAVE: so basically
FDAVE: liz gets ahold of a device that lets her capture monsters
FDAVE: she catches the first guardian
FDAVE: and then nero gets old of it
FDAVE: as you can imagine having the being who protects the earth put in the hands of the bad guy is not good at all
FDAVE: fixing this should be simple enough
FDAVE: we just have to ask liz to hand over the pokeball
FDAVE: so she doesnt screw us over
JOHN: ill tell vriska when she gets back tomorrow
JOHN: so whats next
FDAVE: thats about it really
FDAVE: there are a few other smaller things that can be done that will minutely increase our chances of success
FDAVE: but given that i am far more knowledgeable about upcoming events
FDAVE: i will handle them on my own
FDAVE: operation save the world is now in effect
FDAVE: any questions
DIRK: Sounds pretty straightforward.
JADE: zap cristyle with the ring, teleport her into space, befriend government spies and liz, take the magic pokeball. sound pretty easy actually!
FDAVE: well we had a lot of time to plan this out
FDAVE: we just have to not fuck it up
FDAVE: weve only got one shot at this
FDAVE: even if i still had my magical time travel scarf
FDAVE: im worried that if we tried to use it again to cross this timeline again
FDAVE: that time and space or whatever would collapse in on itself
FDAVE: there was this weird glowy white shit following me around while i had that thing
DAVE: wait you made another time travel device
DAVE: how did you even
DAVE: all our alchemy shit is gone
FDAVE: yeah i had to
FDAVE: you destroyed all of our turntables like a dumbass
FDAVE: vriska got ahold of the magic time travel scarf somehow
FDAVE: and thats how i got here
JOHN: you mean vriska from your timeline?
FDAVE: were done talking about end of the world stuff now
FDAVE: anyone have anything else they want to say?
ROXY: can we play smash bros now
ROXY: come on ya party pooper
DAVE: yeah john whats the deal
JOHN: im sorry guys.
JOHN: id love to play with you guys, but,
JOHN: not tonight.
JOHN: i think i need some time to process all this information that just got thrown at me.
JOHN: you guys should probably think on it too.
JOHN: plus i dont think my dad appreciates having a bunch of kids over.
JOHN: he barely tolerates just me and vriska. and karkat.
JOHN: sorry guys!
JADE: that's alright, john. we can play some other time when you are feeling better!
JADE: after we save the world!
JOHN: that would be nice.
ROXY: i can make you all copies of the ring!
ROXY: so we dont have to all fight over one of them.
FDAVE: that is actually pretty brilliant
ROXY: hell yeah it is
ROXY: dont you just love my bullshit overpowered abilities?
JANE: Well I dont think they are overpowered as being able to literally bring people back from the dead.
DIRK: Or rip out their souls.
JAKE: Or be super duper hopeful!
JOHN: i can do windy things.
JADE: excuse you all.
JADE: i dont think any of your powers are more extraordinary than my ability to manipulate the fabric of space itself!
KARKAT: UGH. STOP, YOU GUYS ARE MAKING ME JEALOUS!
FDAVE: aside from karkat we have a lot of great assets at our disposal
JOHN: did i just pass out?
FDAVE: that was the doing of this here magic ring
FDAVE: it has the ability to put someone to sleep indefinitely
JOHN: like vriska can?
FDAVE: yeah i guess you are right
FDAVE: but this thing is basically our answer to cristyle
FDAVE: there is no way we can kill her
FDAVE: she would just shapeshift her injuries away
FDAVE: but if we use this ring on her and put her to sleep
FDAVE: shes basically useless
FDAVE: we could even draw on her face and everything
FDAVE: but the problem is
FDAVE: sylja can basically negate the rings effects if she finds cristyle
FDAVE: so that is where you come in jade
FDAVE: you know john wanted to start without you jade
FDAVE: yet you were really the most important person here this entire time
JOHN: sorry jade i wasnt trying to exclude you or anything, i was just anxious!
JADE: no worries john!
JADE: so what do you want me to do?
JADE: im guessing you just want me to teleport cristyle as far away from here as possible after we put her to sleep so sylja cant find her?
FDAVE: you read my mind
JADE: can do!
FDAVE: and lets pray that solution is adequate
FDAVE: i really dont want to have to deal with the alternative plan
JADE: which is?
FDAVE: we will worry about it if it becomes necessary
FDAVE: we should also keep in mind that if we run into any more shinobi
FDAVE: they should be hit with the ring of sleepiness immediately
FDAVE: the more we can eliminate from the equation the better
JOHN: but wait.
JOHN: if cristyle as crafty as you said she is,
JOHN: how are we even supposed to catch her?
FDAVE: yeah thats going to be the tricky part here
DIRK: Plus whoever finds her is also going to have to be the one who just so happens to be carrying the ring.
FDAVE: that is a good point
FDAVE: didnt even think of that
FDAVE: time to get up
JOHN: i suddenly feel...
FDAVE: look at this shit
FDAVE: look at this mcguffin-esque bullshit
FDAVE: this ring here
FDAVE: has quite an interesting ability
FDAVE: the shinobi are masters of deceit
FDAVE: they infiltrated our planet
FDAVE: created lies to distract us
FDAVE: like that fake war between us and the trolls
FDAVE: basically caused a lot of confusion and panic
FDAVE: and then when we had been taken down from within
FDAVE: they struck
FDAVE: kicked us while we were down by unleashing a force we were in no way prepared to deal with
JANE: I think you are starting to sound a little vague now.
FDAVE: i guess you are right
FDAVE: ill get to the point
FDAVE: basically what happened
FDAVE: was that the best way to incapacitate us was to turn ourselves against each other.
FDAVE: has a power
FDAVE: and it is kind of really disturbing
FDAVE: nero basically brought over his giant fleet of spaceships
FDAVE: including some equipment that basically made cristyle like
FDAVE: even more powerful
FDAVE: and it basically allowed her to sort of
FDAVE: hijack any living being against there will.
JOHN: you mean... like vriska can do to other trolls?
FDAVE: sort of
FDAVE: except she doesnt control their minds persay
FDAVE: she just
FDAVE: alters their essence
FDAVE: she steals the souls of those with a weak heart
FDAVE: like if she were to change you john she could take away who you were
FDAVE: and replace it with a monster who fights for her
FDAVE: and they act autonomously
FDAVE: i think thats basically how this species reproduces they splice genes onto others and use them as a template but dont quote me on that im not a science wiz
FDAVE: rose will have the deets for yall
DIRK: So. How do we stop them?
FDAVE: like i said i have a plan
FDAVE: it is multifaceted and has several backups in case one fails since there are many key points in the timeline for which i can interfere
FDAVE: but we are going to start with what is probably the most effective plan
FDAVE: remember that ring you found
FDAVE: its like black and has eight white orbs
FDAVE: you know the kind of foreboding shit you would usually throw straight into the lava
JOHN: i found it in vriskas room after she disappeared.
JOHN: i wasn't sure what it was so i just put it on my dresser.
FDAVE: of course that is what you did with it
FDAVE: do you know how much shit we could have prevented in the future if we had known that you had that ring
FDAVE: i was so fucking pissed when i found it in your room
FDAVE: just laying there being useless
FDAVE: although i guess thats just the nature of magical rings
FDAVE: slippery as hell
FDAVE: just go get the ring john
FDAVE: you guys are all familiar with the shinobi
FDAVE: the poofy pants lobster clawed aliens who keep fucking shit up
KARKAT: THE NINJAS?
KARKAT: ONE TRIED TO KILL ME.
JOHN: and us!
FDAVE: can we stop calling them "ninjas"
FDAVE: thats so fucking anime i cant even believe it
FDAVE: they are called the shinobi and they are fucking dangerous
ROXY: you mean dangerous like a ninja is
FDAVE: they are the shinobi
DIRK: I think shinobi actually means ninja in japanese.
FDAVE: ok whatever
FDAVE: so if i remember correctly
FDAVE: youve all encountered several shinobi already
FDAVE: the one who attacked us on halloween
FDAVE: the one who youve seen on tv and who attacked karkat
KARKAT: FUCK THAT GUY.
FDAVE: you mean girl
KARKAT: YOU MEAN CREATURE.
FDAVE: there was her then the other who rose vriska and liz met
FDAVE: the reason why we havent encountered that many so far is that these shinobi are wicked good at stealth
FDAVE: theyre going to avoid a full frontal invasion if they can by any means possible its why there big leader guy resorts to trickery
FDAVE: as you all now trolls arent really planning to invade us
KARKAT: THAT IS ASSUMING KANKRI HASN'T FLOWN OFF THE HANDLE YET. WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF CATASTROPHIC DISORDER THAT NOOKSUCKER HAS WROUGHT ON ALTERNIA BY THIS POINT.
FDAVE: now the first shinobi you met was hades
JOHN: so that's his name?
JOHN: we've just been calling him "red ninja guy."
FDAVE: yeah i know and you need to stop
FDAVE: his name is hades
DIRK: You mean like the greek god of the underworld?
DIRK: Does that mean he has powers over the dead?
FDAVE: no his powers are
FDAVE: i dont actually really know how to describe it
FDAVE: other than
FDAVE: voidy shit
FDAVE: its kind of like ravens powers from teen titans
FDAVE: how she has all the glowy black shit
FDAVE: but it also comes with an added side effect
FDAVE: i dont fully understand it myself
FDAVE: but appears hades has the ability to sort of nullify our god tier powers to a degree
FDAVE: im not even sure if HE understands it at all
FDAVE: he is definitely a threat
FDAVE: but compared to the rest
FDAVE: we really dont have to worry about him too much
FDAVE: now on to the shinobi we should worry about
FDAVE: there is sylja
FDAVE: the green one
FDAVE: her power is that shes the worst
FDAVE: from what i heard she tortures you with nightmares until you cant sleep anymore just the freakiest of mind shit
FDAVE: and i mean certain people are grumpy enough already but when you add sleeplessness to the mix they become slightly homicidal
FDAVE: oh by the way john how has vriska been lately
JOHN: kind of agitated.
JOHN: well that explains a lot i guess.
JOHN: poor vriska. D:
FDAVE: sylja for some reason seems very fascinated with vriska and im not really sure why
FDAVE: so she will have that to contend with at all times
FDAVE: then we have nero
JAKE: isnt that bloke some sort of roman legend?
FDAVE: well that name is like the name of an infamous roman leader
FDAVE: thats both roman and greek figures
FDAVE: thats pretty inconsistent if you ask me
FDAVE: nero is the one who you saw on that bullshit broadcast
FDAVE: i have to give humanity some credit for not being immediately consumed by mass hysteria and falling for it
FDAVE: nero is basically the godfather orchestrating this entire affair while he smugly sits in his throne
FDAVE: dude never loses his cool but he knows exactly how to push others to lose theirs
FDAVE: like he somehow knows all about your past wounds and weaknesses
FDAVE: hes basically doom incarnate
FDAVE: and hes also the generic main villain
FDAVE: and is just as much of a threat as any main villain as you all probably understand
FDAVE: so i wont dwell on him any further
FDAVE: and finally
FDAVE: who should be the main receiver of our combined loathing
FDAVE: because this bitch is fucking awful
FDAVE: shes like the head of the mischief making department of general fuckery
FDAVE: she is the one who kicked your wimpy ass karkat
KARKAT: HEY. SHE SNUCK UP ON ME, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
FDAVE: sure she did
KARKAT: SHE BEAT UP VRISKA TOO.
FDAVE: yeah but she snuck up on her it wasnt vriskas fault
KARKAT: FUCK YOU DAVE.
FDAVE: you wish
KARKAT: SHUT UP!
FDAVE: back to cristyle
FDAVE: the scariest thing about cristyle
FDAVE: is that she is a shapeshifter
FDAVE: able to wear the disguise of anyone whos blood she comes into contact with
FDAVE: so whatever you do
FDAVE: do NOT let her touch you
FDAVE: or come into contact with your blood
FDAVE: so start burning your band aids or any clothes you bled on
FDAVE: the last thing we need is like a fake john who is actually cristyle spying on us and tricking us
FDAVE: i mean just look at his smarmy doofus face
FDAVE: who would ever suspect a guy like this
FDAVE: but my point is
FDAVE: having cristyle in any way close to us could spell disaster for us
FDAVE: and im here to make sure that doesnt happen
DAVE: are we really doing this whole charade again
FDAVE: yeah we are
FDAVE: i am basically davesprite but slightly less orange and avian
FDAVE: back from the future
FDAVE: bottling up all my angst over the traumatizing events i suffered through
FDAVE: so i can help you guys
FDAVE: which is why i am going to tell you what happens in the future
FDAVE: and then tell you the genius plan we came up with
JADE: did someone come with you? where are they?
FDAVE: i came here alone
FDAVE: im not gonna bullshit around about with the details
FDAVE: you know how messages from the future are all prophetic bullshit
FDAVE: where you only get a vague idea of what happens for narrative purposes
FDAVE: so the hero can piece it all together at the very end
FDAVE: when having the full story would have been so much more useful
FDAVE: not gonna do that.
JOHN: will you get on with it then?
FDAVE: jeez john have you ever heard of narrative pacing
FDAVE: im trying to tell a story here
FDAVE: if only rose were here
FDAVE: she would appreciate my efforts
JADE: oh rose...
JADE: future dave, do you know if rose is going to be ok?
FDAVE: she will be fine
FDAVE: shes actually gathering some pretty interesting intel
FDAVE: but ill let her tell you guys when she gets back
DIRK: I thought you were giving us the full story.
FDAVE: but im not going to rob rose of the joy of telling you guys what she learned
FDAVE: she would come back and be like "hey guys check out this dirt i got on the shinobi" and you guys would all be like "yeah we already know shut up rose"
FDAVE: i would never do that to her
FDAVE: that would be such a dick move
FDAVE: none of that stuff is really relevant to what we are going to do
FDAVE: lets get down to business
JOHN: to defeat
JOHN: the huns
FDAVE: dont do that
JOHN: vriska would have done it with me if she were here...
JOHN: i have!
JOHN: dave you know ive seen dozens of them
JOHN: there is "independence day", "mars attacks", and of course "aliens".
FDAVE: really nobody has seen any alien movies
FDAVE: what a shame
JOHN: *rolls eyes*
ROXY: well me and dirk basically lived an alien invasion.
FDAVE: so you know how in every alien movie
FDAVE: aliens show up and they are like
FDAVE: we want your planet in particular
FDAVE: there are millions and billions of other floating rocks in space but weve singled out yours for no apparent reason
FDAVE: because humans are just that goddamn special apparently
FDAVE: and there is a band of quirky heroes that come together to fight them off and save the world
FDAVE: well this is one of those circumstances
FDAVE: and we are the band of quirky heroes each with our dazzling eccentricities to endear ourselves to the audience and inhibit us at the same time
FDAVE: except where i came from
FDAVE: instead of saving the day and sending those aliens back to hell
FDAVE: we all die and life as we know it basically ends
KARKAT: THAT FIGURES.
ROXY: aw man
ROXY: and i was just gettin used to a normal life
JANE: Oh dear.
DAVE: wow really
DIRK: Of course.
FDAVE: im just gonna let that sink in for a bit
JOHN: sorry, i mean future dave!
JOHN: everyone is here.
JOHN: can we start now?
FDAVE: no we still have to wait for davesprite
JOHN: what really???
JOHN: god dammit!
FDAVE: nah man im just fuckin with you
JOHN: dave, please dont scare me like that.
JOHN: you see, she knows how important she is. she probably thinks she's the center of the universe.
JADE: interestingly, the center of the universe could technically be any given place in space, because the universe is expanding from no fixed point.
DAVE: what i thought the universe was just a giant magical frog
JADE: i guess that is true too.
JADE: sorry im a bit late,
JADE: but im also not sorry because if i hadnt been running late i might not have run into marie!
JADE: aaah! im so happy!!! i missed her so much!
JOHN: don't worry about being late, jade. your dog is important.
JADE: i have wonderful news!
JADE: i found my dog! she just ran up to me while i was walking over here!
JADE: isn't this great?!
JADE: i was so worried about her, im just so glad shes back!
JOHN: oh thank jegus you are here!
JOHN: karkat, i wasn't talking to you.
KARKAT: WOW, WHO SHOVED A BEEF GRUB UP YOUR NOOK?
JOHN: what the fuck? gross.
KARKAT: STOP FINDING MY CULTURAL VERNACULAR GROSS JOHN. I DON'T WHINE ABOUT BEING EXPOSED TO YOUR TOXIC WASTE DUMP OF A PLANET, AND HAVING IT CONTINUALLY ASSAULT MY SENSES FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS.
JOHN: you literally just did.
KARKAT: NO THAT WAS ME GIVING AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT I'âM NOT DOING.
JOHN: by doing it!
KARKAT: ARE MY SUPERIOR SPEECH PATTERNS FLYING OVER YOUR HEAD AGAIN? SHOULD I TRY LOWERING MY HEAD AND GRUNTING TO COMMUNICATE?
JOHN: will you knock it off karkat?
KARKAT: OK. FINE, I'M SORRY. I GET THAT YOU ARE ANXIOUS. YOU'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION WITH FUTURE DAVE'S VAGUE AND OMINOUS PROPHECIES FOR A WHILE NOW, AND EVERYONE ELSE'S COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR THE DIRE SITUATION AT HAND, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE STILL YET TO BE INFORMED, IS AGGRAVATING YOU.
JOHN: you sure put into word what i couldn't quite articulate myself.
JOHN: huh. thanks for that karkat.
KARKAT: I LIKE TO THINK THAT I HAVE A KNACK FOR UNDERSTANDING WHAT PISSES PEOPLE OFF.
DIRK: Hey I think I found something edible in the fridge that Future Dave hasnât taken in his ravenous greed yet.
FDAVE: great you found some cool whip
FDAVE: with nothing to put it on
FDAVE: because all of the snacks are mine
DIRK: Who needs all that biz when you can just squirt cool whip directly into your mouth.
DIRK: *aerosol noises*
DIRK: This is shaving cream.
DIRK: John why is there shaving cream in the fridge?
KARKAT: WELL I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT THE STUPIDITY BAR JUST GOT RAISED SO HIGH THAT IT HAS PIERCED THE HEAVENS, CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE.
KARKAT: PLEASE, RECENTLY VIOLATED HEAVENS, SEND AN ANGEL TO WIPE US ALL OUT OR SOMETHING.
FDAVE: are you kidding jade is basically the most important person here out of you nerds
JOHN: she can catch up when she gets here!
FDAVE: you know you are starting to get really wound up john
FDAVE: i think you need to chill
JOHN: yeah i know.
JOHN: we can't start without jade.
JOHN: i'm just antsy with all the pressure suddenly hanging over my head.
JOHN: you keep being so coy about whats going on, dave, i just want to cut to the chase already.
JOHN: all this waiting around is starting to stress me out.
FDAVE: handling your burdens well there i see
JOHN: yeah and you aren't helping at all.
FDAVE: hey dont turn on me
JAKE: Hey there buckaroo aint no reason to be bumping melons with your pals.
JOHN: yes, what he said.
FDAVE: do you even know what he said
DIRK: Knowing him it was probably some old cornball inuendo he was trying to sneak by our radars.
JAKE: It was not!!!
JAKE: How is a guy supposed to give some encouragement around here with all you language snobs tearing his witticisms asunder.
DIRK: Well, you can start by not calling anybody a 'buckaroo'.
ROXY: so john
ROXY: i know where discussing the end of the world and shit soon
ROXY: but can me and jane play smash bros on your wii until jade shows up
JANE: Roxy, I've never played smash bros, you are just going to win!
DAVE: just play metaknight, jane
DAVE: he is so op
JOHN: no! if you guys play smash, then everyone will want to play smash. and we won't get anything done.
ROXY: thats lame
JOHN: we have to stay focused here.
JOHN: we can't do what we usually do and turn our backs on things to screw around.
DIRK: Hey John, do you have any snacks?
JOHN: future dave has them all.
FDAVE: dont you dare touch my snacks
DIRK: You don't own the snacks, dude.
FDAVE: i did not tow my ass here all the way from the future for this blatant disrespect
ROXY: ooh! john!
ROXY: can we play mario kart instead?
JOHN: no! mario kart is even more distracting!
JANE: You know what I don't understand is why they would randomly decide to just pave over mushroom kingdom and turn it into a go-kart track.
ROXY: yeah i know right?
ROXY: and bowser could be taking over the world or something while mario is distracted.
ROXY: but nope
ROXY: he fucking joins them
ROXY: its so silly
ROXY: bowser in a go kart
ROXY: who would have thought
JAKE: My biggest question is whose brilliant idea it was to leave those sharp turns on rainbow road without any kind of guard to prevent falling off. Now that is just unsafe.
ROXY: i know right
DIRK: Hey John, do you mind if I turn on the radio?
JOHN: please don't.
JOHN: (man i wish vriska was here, she knows how to keep everyone focused)
CRONUS: wvatch wvere your poking that gun
CRONUS: my shoulder blades are vwery sensativwe you knowv.
GARY: (Looks like they found more aliens.)
GARY: (And I'm not allowed to be involved, DAMN!)
CRONUS: you knowv even though youre treating me like an outsider, i think you should knowv that i am very close to humankind on a spiritual level.
GUARD: I said QUIET!
CRONUS: sheesh, wvhats your problem, man?
GARY: (You know, those aliens kind of look like regular teenagers.)
GARY: (It's a little disconcerting seeming them being held at gun point.)
KATE: (Says the guy who pointed a gun at a bunch of very similar looking alien teenagers.)
GARY: (It was unloaded! Besides, how was I supposed to know they would be a bunch of kids! For all I knew they were hiding some giant monster in there.)
KATE: (I think you just need to stop trying to imitate James Bond.)
GARY: (Maybe so.)
GARY: You know just because we can't see each other at work doesn't mean we can't still hang out you know.
KATE: I know.
KATE: I just can't fucking believe how bullshit this is.
GARY: To be fair, we did spend like two hours building card castles instead of doing paperwork.
GARY: We might have brought this on ourselves.
KATE: Yeah, I know.
KATE: But it's not like we don't get work done.
GARY: Yeah! Where would they be if I hadn't put all that work into finding those aliens?
KATE: Why do you keep taking all the credit for finding the aliens, I was there too.
KATE: And we didn't really "find" aliens. We just sort of fell ass-backwards into aliens.
KATE: Ugh, I can't believe I'm actually discussing aliens in terms of reality.
GARY: You are never going to accept that I was right all along are you?
KATE: I'm accepting it, I just don't like it.
KATE: Just look where it got us,
KATE: It got us way in over our heads and now we can't work together anymore.
GARY: For now.
GARY: I'm sure eventually the Calls Department will get sick of you making snide remarks at them and kick you out.
GARY: And then the boss will realize that I'm the only one who can tolerate you, and we'll be partners again!
KATE: Great! And I'm sure the team down at the Fairfax Case will all quit their jobs as soon as they hear raving about how aliens took the cows.
KATE: Then rather than risk losing more employees, I'll get reassigned to your case.
GARY: Good! We have this all figured out then.
KATE: What time is it?
KATE: I want to go home already.
KATE: I'm so sick of this place.
GARY: You just want to go home and be upset for the rest of the night?
GARY: That sounds kind of lame.
KATE: Yeah? What of it?
GARY: Well, you can go home and be miserable, or, you can not do that.
KATE: What else am I supposed to do?
GARY: Well, after this we can go get some ice cream and chill! That'd be way cooler than what you had planned.
KATE: Are you deliberately making ice puns.
KATE: I'm going to hit you.
GARY: Wow, you sound frosty.
KATE: Ok fine. We can go get ice cream.
BOSS: Have I made myself clear?
GARY: Yes, sir.
KATE: How do you know how well we work together when all you do is sit up here in your office!
KATE: This is just classic bureaucratic ignorance! People with no information about anything making decisions about other people.
BOSS: I would advise that you not mouth off to the person who could have you fired if you are found to be insubordinate.
KATE: What. Am I not allowed to have an opinion about my own job anymore? Am I supposed to just passively accept whatever nonsense is thrown at me?
KATE: I have a bachelor's degree in forensic science and you are making me answer phone calls? I didn't sign up for this!
BOSS: Taking down tips on possible leads is important work.
BOSS: And it is work that does not require a partner.
KATE: This is unbelievable!
KATE: I spend all day dealing with murder cases and thefts, basically reaffirming how awful people are.
KATE: And now you are taking away the only thing that keeps this job from being downright depressing,
KATE: Because of your "theory" that somehow us keeping each other company is a problem!
GARY: Kate, I'm upset too, but I don't think you are going to change his mind.
KATE: What, so you're just going to sit there and accept this?
BOSS: My decision is final.
KATE: What did you just say?
BOSS: You are being assigned to answering phone calls while Gary investigates the Fairfax case.
GARY: Wait a second, you are separating us!?
KATE: What? We've been working together for as long as we've been here!
GARY: Yeah! We work well together! We're like Mulder and Scully! Or Batman and Robin! Separating us is just wrong!
KATE: Which of us gets to be Batman, though.
GARY: I'm Batman.
KATE: I don't know if you are awesome enough to be Batman, I think you are more of a Robin.
GARY: How am I Robin?
KATE: Well, you have the hair for it, if you ever combed it over.
GARY: Ew, never! I would not look good with Robin hair.
BOSS: This is why you two are being reassigned.
BOSS: It is clear to me that you are more of a distraction to each other than anything. You have shown that are both competent at your work, but I believe you will find that you are both more efficient at your work if you are to work separately.
GARY: Aliens are a delicate matter! And in terms of extraterrestrial knowledge, I'm the most knowledgeable person you have!
BOSS: And that is why you two are forbidden to intervene. This is a very delicate matter, and you two lack both that maturity and the knowhow to deal with it. Gary, your information is largely speculation and rumours. We've already convinced the public that the transmission we received was a hoax by some hacker, and we don't need you running around reigniting people's' suspicion.
KATE: To be fair, Gary, most of what you know about aliens comes from watching the X Files.
GARY: Not helping, Kate!
GARY: So, what am I supposed to do with all of my research! All of my documents! All the time I've put into this case. It will have just been a big waste!
BOSS: In light of the fact that your primary task has now been revoked, you are being reassigned to the Fairfax case.
GARY: You mean the case involving those two hundred and four stolen cows from a dairy farm?
GARY: There hasn't been a lead on that case in a year!
GARY: Which doesn't make any sense,
GARY: Because how do you lose THAT many cows?
KATE: Hey, it's not all bad.
KATE: I'm willing to humor you about your inevitable theories that aliens abducted the cows. It will be just like old times.
BOSS: You won't.
KATE: Uh, yeah I will. Just because you are banning us from aliens, doesn't mean we can't pretend.
BOSS: You will not be accompanying Mr. Fox on this case.
KATE: Is it about the coffee thing?
BOSS: What coffee thing?
KATE: Oh. Nothing. Nothing at all.
BOSS: I've called you here to tell you that you are no longer permitted to investigate the extraterrestrial threat, and that you are to relinquish and all information on the matter that you have obtained.
GARY: Wait what???
BOSS: There you are.
KATE: No. Don't call me that.
KATE: It's just "Kate."
BOSS: That is the name on your card and you will be referred to as such.
KATE: I'm pretty sure you're only doing it to annoy me, but ok.
BOSS: I need to see you both in my office.
BOSS: We have important matters to discuss.
GARY: He's probably gonna give you hell for replacing the sugar by the coffee with salt.
KATE: Well that is what they get for assigning me to coffee duty all the fucking time.
GARY: Yeah, I know what you mean.
GARY: I was half tempted to replace their normal coffee with that Indonesian Shit Coffee, where they feed coffee beans to weasels and brew their gross coffee bean turds. Let them drink that.
KATE: Wow. That is so gross.
GARY: Yeah. It's almost too evil, isn't it?
KATE: It would probably be a really passive aggressive gift to get someone.
KATE: "I think you're shit, so have some shit coffee."
GARY: Maybe you should send some to your parents.
KATE: I might just do that.
GARY: Maybe we should stop talking about Weasel Poop Coffee before the boss overhears it.
KATE: Not your worst idea.
GARY: Fine. You win.
KATE: Give me those.
GARY: For the sake of tradition.
GARY: I'm going to have to remove this poster.
KATE: You can trash as many of those posters as you want.
KATE: But they will just keep coming back.
KATE: You will never conquer Matt Smith
KATE: He is omnipresent.
KATE: Isn't he handsome, Gary?
GARY: I can't believe you were the one putting up these posters.
KATE: I can't believe you were the one taking down my posters. And I thought we were friends.
GARY: You know I would have thought you to be a Tennant fan. He's so much more likable than the 11th Doctor!
KATE: But. Is he as handsome as Matt Smith?
GARY: I don't know?
KATE: He is not.
KATE: Therefore your point is invalid.
KATE: Before we go.
KATE: There is a distinct lack of Matt Smith posters in this room right now.
GARY: Oh really?
GARY: I think there is currently adequate levels of Matt Smith.
GARY: Which is to say no levels of Matt Smith.
GARY: None at all.
KATE: Damn it, Warren! Maybe try not swinging the door open so fast? That took us forever.
WARREN: Why don't you two grow up.
WARREN: You're not being paid to waste time. You're being paid to fill out those forms that I've been waiting on all day!
GARY: Why should we? I know I didn't go to school to learn how to fill out paperwork, I went so I could be an investigator!
KATE: Yeah. And filling out all the papers you guys are too lazy to do yourselves is kind of demeaning.
WARREN: Ugh. Why am I trying to argue with you guys?
WARREN: The boss wants to see you two.
KATE: Oh, come on!? What does he want now?
WARREN: Go find out for yourselves.
WARREN: What... what are you doing?
GARY: It shall stand uninterrupted for a thousand years!
KATE: Until the ferocious card dragon comes along and smashes it, then kidnaps its princess.
GARY: Pretty much.
KATE: That killed an hour and a half.
GARY: Want to build a wall around it now? And maybe like a drawbridge or something?
KATE: Why not.
GARY: Mission accomplished!
GARY: What are you talking about? We are doing paperwork!
GARY: These cards are made of paper, and we're working on them!
GARY: It's the perfect excuse.
KATE: You know what.
KATE: That actually makes perfect sense.
GARY: One more card!
KATE: Don't mess up!
GARY: I wont.
KATE: Don't screw it up, Sir.
KATE: No pressure.
GARY: You know, when you say no pressure, it usually just applies more pressure.
GARY: I won't mess up.
KATE: Good. Just keep in mind that if you mess up we will have to start over AGAIN. But no pressure.
GARY: I got it.
LIZ: Alien space bird?
VRISKA: No. Not an alien.
VRISKA: I'm pretty sure that is Earth's first guardian.
VRISKA: They are pure white faceless beings who possess ar8itrarily huge levels of power for their rel8tive 8rainlessness.
VRISKA: Especially the one on my planet he was a huge dope, just the worst.
LIZ: Oh! They are like Earth's own Legendary Pokemon then!
VRISKA: I... guess. Sure.
LIZ: Although, you'd expect them to be hiding in some mysterious cave or the bottom of the ocean.
LIZ: Not landing in front of people.
VRISKA: Yeah, I've noticed the First Guardians have a tendency to gravit8 towards the kids who are involved in The Game.
LIZ: Wait does that mean I'm some kind of darkhorse important character to your game?
VRISKA: He's o8viously here 8ecause of me.
VRISKA: I must attract him like some sort of giant importance magnet. I don't 8lame him. I mean, I would 8e attracted to me if I knew me.
LIZ: Such a pretty bird, though.
LIZ: He's like a guardian of the sky!
VRISKA: Admire it as much as you want.
VRISKA: Just don't ever go near it again.
VRISKA: First Guardians are serious 8usiness that only serious players like myself are a8le to handle.
LIZ: If you say so.
LIZ: What? Why not?
VRISKA: Do you want to be teleported into space?
VRISKA: 8ecause unlike me I'm pretty sure you are not special enough to 8e a8le to survive in space.
LIZ: Wait, you can survive in space?
VRISKA: Well, uh.
VRISKA: There's a really gr8 answer for that question, 8ut Iâm not going to tell you it.
LIZ: Vriska look!
LIZ: That bird!
LIZ: Oh, it's so pretty! It looks like it's made of stars!
VRISKA: Normal human children don't have teleporting powers or walk up to dangerous void wielding aliens.
VRISKA: I am willing to 8et she is well acquainted with the ninjas.
LIZ: And she knows who you are.
VRISKA: Now I have yet another thing that wants me dead.
VRISKA: I'm never going to get any damn peace am I?
LIZ: I'm sure everything will be ok!
LIZ: I mean it's not like she can actually kill you if you are careful.
LIZ: You're immortal right? As long as you don't be a superhero or supervillain.
LIZ: Just, be normal! Don't do anything super interesting and she can't touch you!
VRISKA: Yeah that would work, 8ut that 8n't gonna happen.
VRISKA: John and his friends are meeting with this version of Dave from the future to discuss the game plan.
VRISKA: And although I declined to be present for that particular gathering of overly emotional teenagers prattling on about emotions and other sappy shit, I'm sure I'll eventually have to 8e the one who has to kick everyone into gear and make them get shit done, thus cementing myself as a reluctant hero who risks death.
VRISKA: That's just what happens when everyone else around just so happens to 8e way less ambitious and talented as you are.
LIZ: That sounds just a bit pompous, don't you think?
VRISKA: So what?
VRISKA: I don't care what people think of me, if they think I'm an asshole. 8ecause I'm an asshole who gets shit done. So even when my gang of godly humans, and Karkat i guess, get mad at me for kicking their asses into line, I'd still rather that than having them all die 8ecause they had no direction.
VRISKA: Leadership is a thankless jo8, Liz.
LIZ: You know, for what it's worth, I think it's nice of you to risk being heroic and not immortal just so you can lead your friends.
VRISKA: That's not how they're gonna see it.
LIZ: Probably not. But they will thank you later.
VRISKA: I suppose so.
LIZ: I don't know!
LIZ: She just, ran off!
VRISKA: We aren't going to find her.
VRISKA: Now I have strange human children encouraging my friends to murder me on the loose
VRISKA: No dou8t it's related to all the other 8ullshit that's 8een going down lately.
LIZ: For the record, murdering my friends is the last thing I want to do.
VRISKA: Yeah. I know. Humans are usually pretty opposed to murder from what I understand.
VRISKA: Good on you all.
LIZ: As opposed to... trolls?
LIZ: Is that what you are insinuating?
VRISKA: Don't worry a8out it. A lot of things have changed for Trolls lately. I think we are growing past that.
LIZ: You keep saying things that simultaneously worry and fascinate me.
VRISKA: Murdering aside,
VRISKA: Do you remem8er what she looked like?
VRISKA: 8ecause this all seems vaguely familiar.
LIZ: Do you remember that little girl we saw on Halloween?
LIZ: After Red Ninja Guy jumped out of nowhere?
VRISKA: W8 a second.
VRISKA: The girl with the hat?
VRISKA: Who teleported out with Hades?
LIZ: That's her!
LIZ: Wait a second.
LIZ: That girl saved us that night.
LIZ: Why would she want save you then,
LIZ: But want me to kill you now?
JOHN: this is going to get confusing really fast.
JOHN: dave from the future, we're going to call you Future Dave.
JOHN: current dave, you will be just dave.
FDAVE: why do i have to be future dave
FDAVE: he should be past dave
DAVE: im not the one who decided to time travel
DAVE: you get to be future dave
FDAVE: ok fine
FDAVE: but youre gonna be called âless cool daveâ
JOHN: daves. you guys need to stop bickering.
JOHN: we arent going to get anything accomplished if you keep this up!
JOHN: what do you think we're here for, to exchange witty quips and angst?
JOHN: we're heroes dammit!
KARKAT: YES. I AGREE WITH JOHN. ITS HARD ENOUGH DEALING WITH ONE OF YOU ALLEGED âCOOLKIDSâ WITHOUT TEARING MY HAIR OUT IN FRUSTRATION. I THINK YOU BOTH CAN STAND TO TONE DOWN YOUR BITCHING.
FDAVE: youre right
FDAVE: we need to focus
FDAVE: and arguing with myself is more pointless than attempting to use a spork
DAVE: stupid half spoon half fork hybrids
FDAVE: its just a fork thats harder to use
FDAVE: cant even really be used as a fork or a spoon
DAVE: i know right
DAVE: just get a separate fork and a spoon
DAVE: i didnt realize that having more than one utensil on your plate was such a
problem that they had to make a spork
JOHN: good! we are all friends now!
DAVE: whats with that shirt youre wearing
JOHN: yes im wearing vriskas shirt.
JOHN: get over it.
DAVE: i didnt realize you and vriska were that... intimate
FDAVE: thats what i said
JOHN: what is that?
KARKAT: ITS LIKE ONE OF THOSE BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES, YOU KNOW WHERE ITS LIKE 'HERE IS YOU', AND THEN 'HERE IS YOU AFTER EATING SOPOR SLIME'.
KARKAT: FUTURE DAVE IN THIS CASE IS THE SOPOR SLIME ADDICT.
JOHN: heh, yeah your kinda right
DAVE: hey you think I have the time to make myself look pretty
DAVE: when im so busy with, oh you know
DAVE: saving the entire fucking planet
KARKAT: YES WE GET IT YOU'RE VERY DRAMATIC.
DAVE: hey are those jelly beans
DAVE: give me some of those delicious bastards
DAVE: fuck no get your own jelly beans
JOHN: dave stop being an asshole, those are MY jelly beans.
DAVE: he just called you an asshole dave
DAVE: didnt you hear
DAVE: stop being an asshole dave
DAVE: stop being an asshole who punches people in the face
DAVE: no he just called you an asshole
DAVE: you asshole
DAVE: fuck you
DAVE: you know vows to swear off time travel dont mean shit when doom is all up in your fucking face threatening to tear down everything you care about
DAVE: what a dumb fucking thing to do,
DAVE: swear off what is potentially the most valuable and life saving skill any person can posses
DAVE: thats like a knight swearing off using his sword
DAVE: why am i so poetic in the future
DAVE: and brimming with a grim sort of ambivalence
DAVE: did i become an anti hero
DAVE: well damn shit must be fucked
DAVE: what do you think we invited you all over so we could have a sleepover and paint each others nails
DAVE: we get to talk about the end of the world
DAVE: oh past-dave
DAVE: by the way
DAVE: I have something for you
DAVE: a gift from the future
DAVE: ive been waiting forever to do that
DAVE: also hi karkat
DAVE: how the hell are you doing
KARKAT: NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL.
DAVE: fucking great
DAVE: and what the hell do YOU think youre doing
DAVE: i thought we swore off time travel
DAVE: jegus i should have seen that coming
DAVE: what happened
DAVE: what did you guys fuck up this time
DAVE: not you again
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: its past me
DAVE: if i know me hes probably gonna clock me in the face
JOHN: oh hi, other dave!
JOHN: looks like we have our first guest to the doomsday party.
KARKAT: SINCE WHEN DID YOU TWO EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT?
DAVE: we dont its just fun correcting you
JOHN: it makes us feel smart.
KARKAT: WHATEVER. IF I CAN'T TASTE THE SWEET NECTAR OF GRUB JUICE OOZING OUT OF ITS CRUNCHY CARAPACE THEN THESE GRUBS ARE FAKE AS SHIT.
DAVE: i always thought that shit was a very real thing
KARKAT: SHUT UP.
JOHN: eww, why do trolls have to make everything sound so gross
JOHN: trolls are so weird.
KARKAT: YOU WOULD KNOW WOULDN'T YOU.
JOHN: yes i would.
KARKAT: THESE TASTE LIKE CONGEALED SNOT
DAVE: how would you know
DAVE: do you frequent the stuff
KARKAT: SHUT UP, DUMBASS. HOW COME EVERY TIME I INSINUATE THAT AN ITEM OF FOOD HAS A TASTE SIMILAR TO SOMETHING FOUL, SOMEONE HAS TO REPEAT THAT LINE BECAUSE THEY THINK THEYâRE JUST SO FRESH. NO, I DONâT KNOW WHAT CONGEALED SNOT TASTES LIKE. IT WAS A METAPHOR.
JOHN: thats not what a metaphor is, karkat.
KARKAT: YES IT WAS. A METAPHOR IS SAYING SOMETHING IS SYMBOLIC OF SOMETHING ELSE.
DAVE: yeah dude if you use the words like or as its a simile
DAVE: i feel like a king right now
JOHN: didn't you have something important to do.
JOHN: something that involved not pulling all the food out of our cupboards.
JOHN: its already hard enough keeping this place nice with vriska being around.
JOHN: shes fun having around but, wow.
JOHN: you should see how messy her room is.
DAVE: oh she has her own room
DAVE: i just figured you shared a room
DAVE: and you snuggled up together into a big ball of adorable at bedtime
KARKAT: DAVE WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IMAGES INTO MY HEAD THAT I DONT WANT TO SEE.
JOHN: no, that's not what happens!
JOHN: and i'm sure my dad would give me a very uncomfortable lecture if it did.
JOHN: and what does that have to do with anything. do you really need that many snacks.
DAVE: our lives as we know it could possibly end soon
DAVE: i dont see how a little bit of snacking can make this disaster any worse
DAVE: see when youre living through the end of the world you learn how to take care of yourself
DAVE: you learn to scrounge whatever we can to survive
JOHN: fine dave
JOHN: but you're sharing those chips with me.
KARKAT: HEY! WHAT ARE THOSE?
KARKAT: THOSE RAINBOW GRUB THINGS.
KARKAT: SINCE WHEN WERE HUMANS INTERESTED IN INGESTING GRUBS?
DAVE: you mean gummy worms
KARKAT: I WANT THOSE.
DAVE: why do you guys have so much cake mix
DAVE: are you guys planning like five birthday parties and a wedding
JOHN: my dad still thinks cake is the coolest thing since fancy hats
DAVE: im not really sure why any human being would need that much cake mix
DAVE: oh i know
DAVE: we should bake some cakes for everyone
DAVE: nothing makes discussing the apocalypse sweeter than having your face stuffed with delicious fluffy cake
JOHN: if you wanna make some of them you can!
DAVE: oh youre gonna make me do it all by myself
DAVE: never mind
DAVE: not when you have some good old fashioned oily calories ready with no preparation for me to devour
ZWAELL: and knoW that thoUgh We may perish here, We Will haVe left scorch marks Upon this earth from the ferocity of oUr battles, and seared the World With oUr passion.
ZWAELL: so to those to Whom may fall, i send yoU my regrets.
ZWAELL: and to those Whom Will stand, i giVe yoU my blessing.
ZWAELL: so noW, With me
ZWAELL: We shall fight!
ZWAELL: they may take oUr liVes
ZWAELL: bUt they Will neVer take
ZWAELL: oUr Wi-fi!
ERIDAN: go tell evveryone to get off their lazy asses and prepare to cull some suckerfish
KOKOMO: Aw really. You're gonna make me do the grunt work again? Why kan't you do it?
ERIDAN: i have to get meenah her wweapon
MEENAH: oh SH-ELL no
MEENAH: you expect me to fight your dumb wifi battles when not twenty minutes ago
MEENAH: you all had me tied up and ready to rip me limb from limb
MEENAH: not only that
MEENAH: i woke up in the middle of fuckin nowhere
MEENAH: after having just been murdered by a shapeshifting blue karkat guy
MEENAH: maybe im too traumatized to fight
MEENAH: i dont even have my three pronged pointy deal
ERIDAN: wwe can get you another three pronged pointy deal
MEENAH: or are you just sayin that
ERIDAN: howw about this
ERIDAN: you fight for us
ERIDAN: and ill get ya a FOUR pronged trident
ERIDAN: custom made
KOKOMO: Wouldn't that just be called a quadrent?
ERIDAN: no its called a four pronged trident
ERIDAN: deal wwith it ya scrub
MEENAH: four prongs?
MEENAH: that is one more prong i can use for stabby stabs
MEENAH: gold plated, right?
MEENAH: but i dunno if four is enough prongs
MEENAH: what if i need one more
ERIDAN: fiiiiine you can have fivve prongs
MEENAH: sweet! 38D
MEENAH: the deal is sealed
MEENAH: you get me a new five pronged pointy deal and ill fight yer stupid battles
MEENAH: but as soon as you get your interwebs back im gonna clamscray
ERIDAN: fair enough
ERIDAN: noww lets get our wweapons
VINNIE: We're under attack!
VINNIE: The sky dwellers are coming!
VINNIE: The sky dwellers are coming!!!
ERIDAN: oh hell yes
ERIDAN: finally some action around here
KOKOMO: We don't have any maps! We used to just look up maps on the internet.
KOKOMO: But we lost them when we lost our wifi.
KOKOMO: Nobody thought to make backup kopies.
MEENAH: i cant believe you losers
KOKOMO: We settled it as sort of, a vacation area! You know, a place to dry off after spending all day in the ocean.
KOKOMO: Not to mention that the island housed the only radio tower for 300 miles! We got such a great signal on land!
KOKOMO: We could watch videos in high definition!
KOKOMO: But, those nasty flying trolls thought they kould take the island from us!
KOKOMO: They told us to leave the island, and that we should just stay underwater where we belonged! But what kind of life is that? Some of us like to feel the moonlight on our gills!
KOKOMO: So weâve been at war with them ever since. To reklaim our island!
KOKOMO: But, recently, the flying trolls have kommitted their most heinous, and most destruktive krime.
MEENAH: diabolical crimes you say
MEENAH: im listening
KOKOMO: Oh this is no krime to admire.
KOKOMO: It has kaused more pain and suffering than anything else they have ever done to us.
KOKOMO: They stole.
KOKOMO: Our internet.
MEENAH: thats it?
KOKOMO: They hacked into our network and changed the password.
KOKOMO: Now, none of us have been able to get online. We can't kommunicate. We kan't watch funny videos. We kan't even access our databases!
MEENAH: are you kiddin me
MEENAH: what a buncha flounders
MEENAH: of all the things that could have incapacitated you guys
MEENAH: losing the wifi was all it took
MEENAH: im not helping you guys in your stupid war
MEENAH: i was hopen to have serket bring my ship but it looks like ill just have to fly back myself
MEENAH: get me a map and compass.
KOKOMO: I donât believe weâve met!
KOKOMO: Youâre the neww gal everyone has been ravving about! The one with the fairy wwings!
KOKOMO: How tough it must be for you, kaught between the wworlds of the sea and the sky.
KOKOMO: I truly feel sorry for your struggle, mâlady, yet I admire your choice to join our kause!
MEENAH: yeah i dont really give a clam about yer weird flyin vs seadweller turf war
MEENAH: i just wanna get some goddamn shellphone service so i can get the shell outta here
KOKOMO: So I heard! You wanted to know why we donât have the internet password didnât you?
ERIDAN: kokomo i was just gonna tell her wwhat happened myself
ERIDAN: i thought i told you to sweep all the sand out of the supply tent
KOKOMO: Aw, Eridan, theres always gonna be sand in the supply tent, there is sand everywhere! We live on sand! Sometimes I think you just give me redundant jobs because you want be out of your way.
ERIDAN: maybe you should go swweep the sand off the dock again you did a pretty shitty job last time
KOKOMO: That sand sure is a beach, am I right?
ERIDAN: yes i get it
MEENAH: sand is a beach
KOKOMO: See, she gets it?
KOKOMO: Youâre just no fun, arenât you Eridan.
MEENAH: so you guys gonna tell my why you dont have internet
KOKOMO: Right! Of kourse! Allow me!
ERIDAN: go awway i was just gonna explain it to her
KOKOMO: Oh, shush you, mister grumpy gills.
KOKOMO: Iâve been here longer than you have, so clearly I am more qualified than you to tell this story!
KOKOMO: So, new gal.
MEENAH: the names meenah
KOKOMO: Let me tell you a story.
KOKOMO: It is a story of battles and strife!
KOKOMO: A story of victory and defeat!
KOKOMO: The story of our kountry!
MEENAH: oh GLUB hes gonna do the serket windfang thing
MEENAH: cover your ears
MEENAH: why wont you connect
MEENAH: whats the damn password eridan
ERIDAN: im afraid that is wwhy you cant contact anyone
MEENAH: what yall just collectively forgot the internet password
ERIDAN: it was stolen from us
KOKOMO: Why hello there, mâlady!
ERIDAN: who you hang out with here is crucial.
ERIDAN: you havve evvery kind of seadwweller here
ERIDAN: you havve swwimmin jocks, their fangirls, unfriendly aristocratic hotties, trolls wwho cull their feelings, trolls who want to cull evverythin, desperate wwannabes, hippies, quadrant activve flarpers,
ERIDAN: you have the greatest trolls you wwill evver meet and the wworst
MEENAH: you call this an army
MEENAH: all youve got is a school of dumbass teenagers
ERIDAN: youre right
ERIDAN: theyre all idiots
ERIDAN: but they can fight
ERIDAN: and putting up with all the drama is wworth it
MEENAH: ok waterever
MEENAH: like rough estimate here how long until i can contact the losers at the palace and clamscray
MEENAH: not that i dont like yer whole
MEENAH: collection of losers
MEENAH: you know what
MEENAH: let me just call aranea
MEENAH: let her know where i am
MEENAH: not that i reely know where i am
ERIDAN: unlike your pathetic arrangement of hippies she can actually fight like a true born and bred brine swillin landdweller crushin seadweller
ERIDAN: which is why im goin to take initiative and show her the barracks to try to convvince her to take our side so we might actually wwin the next battle
MEENAH: i didnt sign up for no battle
MEENAH: i dont even know what the shell is going on
MEENAH: just let me call the losers back at the palace so i can tell them i didnt die
ERIDAN: if you wwanna to contact your friends
ERIDAN: then your gonna havve to fight for us
MEENAH: oh you think you can hold me hostage
MEENAH: whale let me tell you
MEENAH: if i can take on a giant boss monster made of twelve different monstrous lusii all by myself
MEENAH: then i can take you guys
ERIDAN: oh no i didnt mean it like that
ERIDAN: as much as id lovve to see you safely returned to your home
ERIDAN: you cant contact anyone in our current state
ERIDAN: nobody can
ERIDAN: no thanks to feferi and her 'take no lives' attitude
ERIDAN: ill explain to you later
ERIDAN: come on neww recruit
ERIDAN: let me showw you around the island and make sure you are oriented
ERIDAN: then you can go off and make flowwer crowns or whatevver wwhile wwe wwait for orders
FEFERI: It was nice seeing you again Meenah!
FEFERI: You two have FUN!!!
FEFERI: It's going to be so GR-EAT )(aving you around!
FEFERI: You know, as long as you don't try anyt)(ing sneaky!
MEENAH: oh yeah just cuz im a thief im sneaky i see how it is
FEFERI: O)( you know.
FEFERI: I'm a royal-blood, you're a royal-blood.
FEFERI: I )(ope t)(at you don't intend to usurp me, because I )(ave an entire legion of trolls at my disposal.
FEFERI: So don't try to start any unions or riots against me, ok?
FEFERI: AR-E W--E COOL? =8)
MEENAH: girl, i dont give a ship about your damn beach party tribe
MEENAH: in case you havent noticed i already rule the fuckin planet
MEENAH: and the only reason im the queen bitch is cause you stepped down to run off with your band of hippies
FEFERI: T)(en we )(ave not)(ing to worry about!
FEFERI: Besides I didn't just run off willy nilly silly billy, I engineered a grand purpose in mind for t)(is collective of seadwellers as well.
FEFERI: You see on our world Seadwellers were taug)(t to )(ate t)(e landdwellers and eac)( ot)(er in a constant struggle for power.
FEFERI: A fis)(tem of oppression t)(at even somebody wit)( ideals as strong as I could not overcome wit)(out violently murdering my predecessor.
FEFERI: But t)(is world is a blank slate and instead of teac)(ing seadwellers t)(at fig)(ting is wit)(in t)(eir nature.
FEFERI: I can instead teach t)(em that appreciating the world around us is in their nature.
FEFERI: If everybody can unite to appreciate one great thing then they won't need to fig)(t anymore.
ERIDAN: yeah and im sure mutual flippin appreciation a nature is wwhats givvin us the edge in this wwar right noww
MEENAH: hey uh
MEENAH: can i just say
MEENAH: i literally do not give a flyin fish aboat your dumb politics
MEENAH: you see i kinda just got assassinated by a blue thing and-
MEENAH: not before they get mah fork up their ass
MEENAH: speaking of which
MEENAH: id like my pointy golden jams back
FEFERI: What, this trident?
FEFERI: O)( no, this is mine!
MEENAH: shore looks a shell of a lot like my fork
FEFERI: Meena)(, your trident probably got lost at sea!
MEENAH: how do i know you didnt all up and steal mah fork while i was passed out
FEFERI: -Even if I did steal your fork, It's not like you would ever get it back from me unless you wanted a fork up YOUR nook!
MEENAH: nah forget it
MEENAH: that aint my fork
MEENAH: mine is way cooler than that dull thing
FEFERI: Not t)(at )(e asked for t)(e title. It is just nice to )(ave )(im close by to make sure )(e doesn't cause trouble!
FEFERI: If it were up to )(im )(e'd )(ave )(alf t)(e island slaug)(tered in one of )(is stupid genocide plots.
FEFERI: But we can't )(ave t)(at, now can we?
ERIDAN: you wwanna knoww wwhy nautin evver gets done around here
ERIDAN: you wwant evveryone to "play nice" all the time
ERIDAN: if you wwanna get ship done you gotta make a fuckin statement
ERIDAN: draww a line in the sand
ERIDAN: make an example out of somemoby
MEENAH: you guys suck a fish puns
FEFERI: Now, -Eridan, you know I'm t)(e one in c)(arge )(ere, and you )(ave to do w)(atever I say!! You owe me, remember? 8)
ERIDAN: aww wwill you shut up about howw i owwe ya
ERIDAN: yeah sure i did actually murder you a swweep or so ago but you don't havve to keep rubbing it in evvery fuckin chance you get
ERIDAN: is me granting you my undying loyalty as your second in command not enough for ya
FEFERI: O)( you know t)(e only reason you )(aven't swam off already is because you secretly feel guilty.
FEFERI: You're just too muc)( of a toug)( guy to admit it!
ERIDAN: feelin guilty is for fuckin lowwbloods
ERIDAN: it's not like you dying actually mattered in the end
ERIDAN: you're alivve noww aren't ya
MEENAH: ya'll know i dont actually give a shit about your cray little murder dramas
FEFERI: Of course! )(ow rude of us to be discussing private matters in front of our guest!
FEFERI: Meena)(, on t)(e be)(alf of my tribe, I welcome you to our island!
MEENAH: yeah no
MEENAH: gettin all tied up and yelled at was more than enough whalecome for me
FEFERI: O)( yeah!
FEFERI: I'm sorry about t)(at, t)(ey must )(ave saw your wings and t)(oug)(t you were one of TH-EM. 38(
MEENAH: you the one in charge here im guessin?
FEFERI: GLUB! 38) T)(at's rig)(t!
FEFERI: T)(is w)(ole beac)( is under my reign!
MEENAH: this whole beach huh
FEFERI: And every troll on it!
FEFERI: You've met -Eridan before, )(aven't you, Meena)(?
MEENAH: ya mean cronus lookin guy?
MEENAH: yeah i seen him aboat
You have to get out of here. Any closer and it will be too late, and you will be ripped apart, atom by atom, reduced to oblivion. The mere thought of it is too much to bear.
You should just fly your ship straight into the darkness, and join those obliterated planets, and let it contain the havoc that you cause wherever you go. It is what you deserve for the dire situation you have brought upon your own species. You feel your ship being pulled towards the event horizon. You find yourself overcome by fear.
You stare at the window and watch the Black Hole devour a planet or two. The first one a planet you had not heard of, nor will you ever know the story of. It was gone before you could even wonder if it had life. A second planet meets its end. This time a planet populated by a race of feline warriors, that had been conquered by the Shinobi ages ago. It had been a useful planet indeed, and although it had been nearly stripped clean of valuable minerals, it was still home to many thousands of aliens. However, they had no chance of escape. They are all dead now. A whole civilization, reduced to nothing but a memory.
You are now Hades.
You are nothing.
You are hopeless.
You are a dark swirling vortex sucking in everything that is good.
GIRL: You are just a pathetic coward that will serve no purpose in this world.
VRISKA: Why are you slamming shit?
LIZ: Do you think it is weird for small children to be coming up to your window and demanding you commit crimes?
VRISKA: I don't fucking know anymore.
LIZ: I'm going to get out of here and get some help before...
GIRL: STAY HERE!
GIRL: Don't make me have to hurt you.
LIZ: SCREW THIS!
LIZ: Get out of here before I call the police!
GIRL: YOU WILL NOT IGNORE ME!!!
GIRL: It will be easy. She is vulnerable.
GIRL: I will even give you the knife.
GIRL: Just slit her throat while she is unconscious.
GIRL: It won't even matter, she'll just come back to life!
GIRL: I just want to see you do it.
GIRL: I know you can.
GIRL: I want to see blood on your hands.
GIRL: I see you have the troll girl with you.
LIZ: No, that's not a troll!
LIZ: She's... err. A cosplayer!
LIZ: She wanted to dress up as them because of reasons.
GIRL: That was a terrible lie you know that?
LIZ: Please don't tell anyone! Troll's aren't evil at all, they are actually a lot like us!
LIZ: That whole thing was a lie!
LIZ: If you only got to know her, you'd understand! She tells lots of good stories and she's really cool!
LIZ: Here, I'll wake her up and you can talk to her! You'll see how not evil she is.
GIRL: No! Don't wake her up.
GIRL: I don't want to talk to her.
GIRL: Just you!
LIZ: Boy, aren't I special.
GIRL: Yes, you are!
GIRL: Thats why I want you to talk to me.
GIRL: Prove how special you are.
LIZ: You're probably looking for somebody else.
LIZ: The only special thing I can do is name all 649 Pokemon.
LIZ: Why don't you just, mosey on along to some other windowsill..
GIRL: I refuse.
GIRL: Now, going back to our previous topic of conversation. It really odd that you don't remember me.
GIRL: One would think witnessing bloodshed would make things seem more, memorable.
LIZ: Come to think of it, you are right!
LIZ: I saw you at Halloween!
LIZ: You did something to the ninja guy!
LIZ: You like, walked up, and POOF!
LIZ: You were both gone!
LIZ: Are you... what are you?
GIRL: I'm special, that is what!
GIRL: Now I want you to prove that you can be special too.
GIRL: I've seen your potential, first hand.
LIZ: Have you been following me or something?
GIRL: I think we would get along nicely.
LIZ: Yeah that's great but you didn't answer my question.
GIRL: I don't have many friends you know, despite how great I am.
GIRL: Will you be my friend?
LIZ: Um, I don't even know you?
GIRL: Tell me,
GIRL: Would you be willing to do a small test to prove your worth?
LIZ: I... I really don't know what you are talking about.
LIZ: Look, you are being kinda creepy...
LIZ: And this is a very weird situation in general...
LIZ: I'm going to go.
GIRL: No! Stay!
GIRL: Stay and amuse me!
LIZ: Yeah but you see, I don't really want to.
LIZ: Nor have you provided me a good reason to.
GIRL: If you walk away now I will be very disappointed in you.
LIZ: Yeah, you and everybody else.
GIRL: I want you to do something for me.
GIRL: Come on, It will be easy!
LIZ: Ok! Fine! What do you want?
GIRL: You see that troll over there.
LIZ: Vriska? What about her?
GIRL: But I've just been so busy busy busy!
GIRL: So many irons in the fire.
LIZ: Um... Okay.
LIZ: Any particular reason why you wanted to talk to me?
LIZ: And of all the times you could have talked to me, why did you choose just now to walk up to my window in the middle of the night to do so?
LIZ: Seems a little inconvenient.
GIRL: I told you I am a busy busy busy person!
GIRL: This is the only time I'm available for such trivialities like conversation.
LIZ: Have... we met before?
GIRL: We have!
LIZ: I think I would have remembered somebody soοΏ½
LIZ: Uh, yeah let's go with that.
GIRL: You know I didn't think you would be this forgetful.
GIRL: It's a little upsetting you know.
LIZ: I'm sorry, I really don't remember you.
LIZ: If you're upset maybe I should just go, I wouldn't want to upset you further. I mean wow, I am just such an inconsiderate, conversational dunce why would you want to talk to me anyway?
GIRL: Stay and talk to me!
GIRL: Don't speak of yourself in such belittling terms, how will anybody respect you if you don't respect yourself?
LIZ: Wow that's kind of nice actually.
GIRL: Also it makes you look like a pathetic coward running away from me.
GIRL: Come here!
GIRL: Come and talk to me!
LIZ: Holy Arceus!
LIZ: What are you doing here?
LIZ: Are you lost?
LIZ: I hope you aren't looking for an adult, because I am the furthest thing possible from that.
GIRL: Of course I'm not lost, silly!
GIRL: Now open the window!
LIZ: You might think I'll get bored of Fiduspawn.
LIZ: But, I've liked Pokemon ever since I was little, and I think I won't even get bored with these guys!
LIZ: And if I had superpowers like you do, I'd don't think I would ever get tired of them!
VRISKA: Well, I suppose it's different for you.
VRISKA: I grew up in a place where having psychic powers wasn't uncommon.
VRISKA: Although I was a bit of a weirdo, bluebloods weren't usually psychic.
VRISKA: But I grew up around trolls who could fling you across the room just by thinking about it.
VRISKA: Whereas humans don't seem to be able to do much of anything.
VRISKA: No wonder you all are so fond of super heroes.
VRISKA: You guys want to be them.
LIZ: You know, if you are really that tired, you can take a nap if you want.
LIZ: I'd hate to keep you awake, especially since you are so tired.
LIZ: You know I bet if you had your own Fiduspawn you'd realize just how cool it is to have a companion who cares for you unconditionally.
LIZ: Friends like that are hard to come by.
LIZ: Oh, you're asleep already aren't you?
LIZ: That's ok, you get some rest.
LIZ: You can FLY?????
LIZ: Dude that is so AWESOME?
VRISKA: I suppose so.
LIZ: How do you even fly though? Do you just levitate with psychic powers or something?
VRISKA: Well I have these cool blue fairy wings.
LIZ: Oh yeah! I remember, back when that alien ninja dude showed up and you tried to fight him! I thought they were just part of your halloween costume, I didn't know they were real!
LIZ: Could I see them?
VRISKA: No! That would involve either removing my shirt in front of you, or cutting holes in this shirt, neither of which John would appreciate.
LIZ: Yeah no, please don't do those things.
LIZ: I'll just have to take your word for it and believe you also have magical fairy wings.
LIZ: It would be so cool to have wings. Although I'd want like, bird wings or something. Fairy wings seem kinda flimsy.
LIZ: Sometimes, I have dreams where I am flying around, those are the best dreams. Except the times where I suddenly fall out of the sky and right before I hit the ground I wake up... Those dreams stink.
LIZ: It must be awesome getting to fly around where ever you want, and just be in the open air!
VRISKA: When I was younger I thought it would 8e the coolest thing, 8eing un8ound from the tethers of the ground. And it was fun at first, 8ut soon you realize it's just a 8ig never ending expanse of fuck all. Just a 8unch of empty space that really isn't all that interesting. Plus it's usually freezing cold up in the air.
VRISKA: The same goes for a lot of things I used to think were cool. They just never really live up to your expectations, or you become 8ored with them.
VRISKA: I'm expecting you to 8ecome tired of your fiduspawn eventually, once you realize they are just a 8unch of really needy and useless pets.
LIZ: Thats... really depressing.
VRISKA: Yep. It is. Them's the 8r8k's though, so you might as well accept it sooner rather than later.
LIZ: I guess so?
VRISKA: Man, I am so fucking tired.
VRISKA: I haven't slept in two days.
LIZ: Why not?
VRISKA: See, my species if very prone to horrific nightmares. Nightmares which can only be quelled by sleeping in a soporific slime.
VRISKA: Why are all you humans disgusted by slime???????? It's just slime, your body requires many different kinds of internal slime to function, so you 8asically wouldn't 8e alive without it!
LIZ: I just can't imagine sleeping in it, that's all!
VRISKA: My point is, it's just a little tough trying to get any sleep when every time you close your eyes you are assaulted with the terrifying imagery your su8conscious throws at you. To top it off, you guys sleep during the night for some reason, which is something I am struggling to adjust too.
LIZ: Oh, that must suck.
LIZ: You know a lot of things must suck being the only one of your species on a planet. It must get kinda lonely.
VRISKA: It does.
VRISKA: See right through solid o8jects if I care to.
LIZ: You mean you have xray vision?
VRISKA: Of a sort.
LIZ: Eww, does that mean you can see through clothes?
VRISKA: I could, if I got right up next to someone and stared right at their clothes. 8ut I have to say that would pro8a8ly get me punched.
VRISKA: It's kind of a useless a8ility actually.
VRISKA: The insides of most things are pretty lame.
LIZ: I think you are just not being creative enough!
LIZ You could see through locks, you could see through doors, you could could see inside card packs...
VRISKA: Ok, very rarely do I run into a situation where seeing through a door would be more optimal than just opening the door. Also it would look pretty silly, me standing there staring intently at a closed door.
LIZ: Haha, yeah I guess you are right.
LIZ: What else can you do?
VRISKA: I can read minds, kind of. With humans the only useful thing I can do is put you to sleep. You experienced that first hand. 8ut who wants to dig around in weird human minds. Not me, that's for sure.
LIZ: Luck is real.
LIZ: It's all real.
LIZ: Aliens, Luck, Pokemon, Unicorns, Fairies...
VRISKA: Ok, 8ut faries are fakey fake 8ullshit.
LIZ: But does this mean unicorns are real too?
VRISKA: I don't know about your planet, but 8ack on Alternia there were some unicorns.
LIZ: Wow. Amazing.
LIZ: Heads or tails!
LIZ: DANG IT!
VRISKA: Hmm... Heads again.
DAVE: i mean look at me
DAVE: me and my torn swag threads and cracked shades
DAVE: you know a stylish guy like me would never fall into that state of disarray unless some really serious shit went down
JOHN: you said i was part of the reason we failed though
JOHN: youve got to tell me what i did wrong!
JOHN: who cares if nobody else is here yet, just tell me quickly!
DAVE: there isnt really anything I can tell you that will affect how you perform in the future
DAVE: there is no specific action you took that i could pinpoint and have you fix that would change any of the shit thats about to go down
JOHN: why not?
DAVE: even if i change one thing you do
DAVE: you still remain the same person who will act the same way
DAVE: its just when you loop back another loop happens as a result and they both fold into each other
JOHN: then what am i supposed to do
DAVE: well i wouldnt have come back if i didnt have a plan
JOHN: would you just tell me already, i thought you werent going to do the vague time traveler stuff.
DAVE: if you really must know right this second
DAVE: you and i both
DAVE: have this idea about being a hero right
JOHN: well the game gave us the title of heroes, and we saved the world. so, yeah id say we are technically heroes. why is that important?
DAVE: our ideals of being a hero kind of screwed us over
DAVE: now this was only a partial factor in the reason we failed
DAVE: there were so many other things that went wrong
DAVE: and dont worry i know how to fix them
DAVE: but what i was trying to say is that both of us have very different ideals of what a hero should be
DAVE: i want to be the one who takes out the big bad
DAVE: who singlehandedly stop disaster by delivering the finishing blow in a boss fight
DAVE: that mentality nearly got me killed
DAVE: you on the other hand
DAVE: you want to be the hero who keeps everyone together
JOHN: but i never really cared about being a hero
JOHN: i just wanted to be a good friend, and to make sure everyone was ok.
DAVE: and that is why in the past you were our leader john
DAVE: our fanfuckintastic peanut butter to keep the jelly from being too sweet or something
DAVE: because what you see as heroic is someone who would fight to the death to protect those he cared about
DAVE: and that is great and all
DAVE: but when push comes to shove
DAVE: you are more concerned with keeping everyone safe
DAVE: clark kent superman style and all that smooth jazz
DAVE: we all decided to follow you in the future
DAVE: because we knew that you would be optimistic even in the worst of disasters
DAVE: and you would try your best to keep us out of harms way
DAVE: but ultimately we just flailed around with no clear sense of direction
DAVE: and we paid for it
DAVE: self sacrificing
DAVE: that is how you as a hero act
JOHN: no, that's how a friend acts.
JOHN: what is wrong with wanting to make sure everyone is ok!
DAVE: but what about being a good leader
JOHN: i don't want to be a leader though.
JOHN: i never really did.
JOHN: i just kind of fell assbackwards into leadership back in the game.
DAVE: but what if we need a leader
JOHN: then i guess, i would be that.
JOHN: the best i could anyway.
JOHN: but in name only, i'm still your friend above all else.
DAVE: and that john egbert is exactly why you fail in the future.
DAVE: do you think a real leader should fight for their friends above themselves?
JOHN: i would do anything for you guys.
DAVE: that's not how a person should live, dude
DAVE: yeah thats perfect for somebody with a pure heart and shit who can pop out swords from the stone like champagne but
DAVE: is anybody really like that classic roman shit ideal of a hero
DAVE: does anybody really want to live a life thats basically guaranteed to end with either dying in some tragic sacrifice or being put down after living long enough to become an asshole
DAVE: i think the real leader is somebody who can make a clear path even if it means shouting every stupid ass thought and desire from the back of your head at the top of your lungs like karkat does
DAVE: because they know what they want
DAVE: theyd never feel the need to hide what they were thinking in front of their friends
DAVE: dont be fucking batman john
DAVE: batman didnt even wanna be fucking batman
JOHN: i'm going to have to disagree with you.
JOHN: there is nothing wrong with wanting to protect people!
DAVE: yeah ok
DAVE: i will say back in the game
DAVE: you were an excellent leader
DAVE: im glad we had you
DAVE: but what goes down in the future requires a whole different approach
DAVE: when you are fighting on the frontline
DAVE: not just with your friends
DAVE: but alongside a whole army
DAVE: you need someone who can cut to the chase and bark out orders
DAVE: so shit gets done
JOHN: then why not just have vriska lead us?
DAVE: see her problem was that she was just like me
DAVE: she wanted to head right for the prize
DAVE: confront the bad guys head on and take them out at the roots
DAVE: and it didnt work out
DAVE: not for either of you
DAVE: suffice it to say
DAVE: that was when both of your flaws manifested in full force and wrecked you both
DAVE: it was her hubris that got you both in that situation
DAVE: and it was your selflessness that made you take the fall for vriska
DAVE: you were a goner
DAVE: and she felt too guilty to feel confident in herself anymore
DAVE: we lost both of our potential leaders right then and there
JOHN: so you are saying...
JOHN: i gave my life to save her?
JOHN: i guess thats all i need to know about how vriska and i feel about each other in the future, huh?
DAVE: well to be fair
DAVE: you would have done it for anyone
DAVE: you are fucking batman and supermans lovechild
DAVE: whats with that shirt youre wearing
JOHN: my shirt?
DAVE: isnt that vriskas shirt
JOHN: huh, i didn't even notice.
JOHN: must have put it on accidentally.
DAVE: i didnt realize you and vriska were that... intimate
JOHN: it's just a small laundry mix up.
JOHN: you don't have to read so much into it.
DAVE: whatever you say john
DAVE: i just winked by the way
DAVE: but you couldnt see it because im wearing shades
JOHN: dammit, dave.
DAVE: where is spidertroll by the way
DAVE: i figured she would be here to yell at me about how i have no right to come back in time to fuck shit up
JOHN: she didn't want to be here when all of our friends showed up.
JOHN: because she hates you all, particularly you and rose.
JOHN: she's at her friends house right now.
DAVE: liz right?
DAVE: whod have thought it
JOHN: i'm glad she made a friend to be honest.
JOHN: i mean, not that i'm not glad to hang out with her all the time.
JOHN: but i was worried that she might be feeling a bit lonely, only having me to talk too.
DAVE: liz is someone we need to integrate into our group by the way
DAVE: she is important
JOHN: she is?
JOHN: how so?
DAVE: i will tell you later john
DAVE: remember i dont want to repeat myself
DAVE: but i will say that the only reason liz is involved in our dilemma because of vriska
DAVE: she got her all wrapped up in the tangled web of our existence
DAVE: how are things with you and her by the way
JOHN: with me and vriska?
DAVE: no i meant liz
DAVE: oh wait
DAVE: you arent yet aware of the passionate whirlwind romance between you and the pokemon girl that is about to ensue
DAVE: of course i meant vriska you doof
JOHN: oh. good.
JOHN: i was going to say, what kind of insane doomed timeline did you come from.
DAVE: so is vriska also wearing wearing your shirts too now or what
JOHN: dave enough about shirts
DAVE: so things are going well I take it
JOHN: shouldn't you know already since you are from the future?
DAVE: well i know where you two end up
JOHN: why are you asking me then, you tell ME how it is going.
DAVE: no spoilers john
DAVE: besides im not gonna sit here and give you all the inane details about your future relationships
DAVE: what do i look like
DAVE: your horoscope
DAVE: come on john i dont want to talk about the future right now
DAVE: i wanna hear about you
JOHN: it's just a little odd that you would care about me and vriska.
JOHN: i thought you HATED her!
DAVE: she is a pain in the ass
DAVE: and shes stubborn and reckless and obsessive
DAVE: but i dont hate her
DAVE: at least not anymore
DAVE: past me definitely hated her
DAVE: but now i understand why you like her now.
JOHN: why is that?
DAVE: because she is everything that you are not
JOHN: that is.
JOHN: an interesting observation, especially coming from you.
DAVE: its true though
DAVE: shes a bossy and in control go getter who gets shit done
DAVE: but lacks decent social skills
DAVE: and you are generally more of a "passively get led around by the nose" type
DAVE: yet you are unbelievably chummy
DAVE: i think it is part of the reason why we failed in the future
JOHN: wait what?
JOHN: it is our fault?
JOHN: please tell me you have a solution.
DAVE: no no
DAVE: calm down egbert
DAVE: it was nobodys fault in particular
DAVE: also i said we would discuss plans once everyone else got here
DAVE: why are we discussing this
DAVE: cant i just sit down and talk to my friend about normal things instead of pondering impending apocalyptic scenarios
DAVE: i mean it is partially my fault for mentioning it
DAVE: but you need to chill for a moment
JOHN: sorry, dave.
JOHN: i can't help it, every time you mention the future i just get all anxious, because you wont give me details. i don't like being in the dark about what is going on.
DAVE: wow you are really starting to sound like her
JOHN: how does it feel to be back in the past?
DAVE: well shit aint wrecked yet
DAVE: so thats a plus
JOHN: i usually prefer shit to be intact.
JOHN: man. its still kind of blowing my mind that you... are even here.
JOHN: i thought we were done with all these timeline altering shenanigans.
DAVE: nah the universe is never gonna sit its ass down and decide to stop fucking with us for a change
DAVE: its probably like
DAVE: one of the fundamental laws of existence
DAVE: "thou shalt never be free of world ending calamities"
DAVE: but after a certain number of times saving worlds from destruction
DAVE: it just makes you wonder
DAVE: should we even be trying
DAVE: if everything has an end
DAVE: are we just delaying the inevitable
DAVE: are we obstructions in the totally natural rhythm of the universe and its constant cycle of death and rebirth
DAVE: what right do we have to try and stop it
JOHN: wow, that is deep.
DAVE: ive had a lot of time to think about this shit
JOHN: well even if we are just delaying the inevitable.
JOHN: that doesn't mean i just want to give up!
JOHN: i like earth!
DAVE: yeah no
DAVE: screw the rhythm of the universe
DAVE: i dont want us all to die
JOHN: me neither
JOHN: about the future.
JOHN: something tells me that we fucked up bad?
JOHN: bad enough for you to have to come back even though you swore off time travel?
DAVE: well the nice answer is that you guys didnt necessarily fuck up
DAVE: you just didnt have the information we needed at the time
DAVE: the real answer is that you guys fucked up
DAVE: but that is what im here for
DAVE: ive got the lowdown on everything we need to know
JOHN: sounds almost too simple.
JOHN: there isn't some catch is there?
DAVE: i mean i could go through the whole gambit right now
DAVE: of the slow building ominous foreshadowing that basically nobody understands or even cares about until its too late anyway
DAVE: i could always do that
JOHN: that sounds very counterproductive.
DAVE: im not going to be coy about whats going on
DAVE: but im gonna wait until everyones here so i dont have to repeat myself
JOHN: what is the point in waiting, you can just tell me now, we have got time.
DAVE: being a time traveler has taught me one thing...
JOHN: you better not say how to take your time.
DAVE: ...its how to take my time
NERO: Even the mercy of death would not be an adequate punishment for what you have done.
NERO: I banished you for a reason, Hades.
NERO: So you wouldn't cause any more chaos with your reckless behavior.
NERO: Before you entered our atmosphere in your ship, did you by chance take notice of the precarious situation of our planet?
NERO: Did you notice the contents of our planet spilling out into the void? Perhaps did you consider that because of that, the planet's magnetic field is slowly unraveling, exposing everyone to dangerous rays of our sun?
NERO: Did you see the black hole that we are currently hurtling towards? The one that will rip us all apart atom by atom if we do not escape?
NERO: We are in a race against time, and your actions have already sped our descent into destruction.
NERO: And now unleashing this demigod on us with your carelessness will be a tremendous setback to our plans, and will put our race at an even greater risk of annihilation.
NERO: And returning here despite orders to never be seen again is a sign of the utmost disrespect.
HADES: I... I am sorry... So terribly terribly sorry.
HADES: I have been a terrible son.
NERO: You don't even deserve to be my son.
HADES: You are right.
HADES: But, father. What do I do now?
NERO: Leave. Leave and never return.
NERO: I don't ever want to see you again.
NERO: Your words can not make up for the shame you have brought upon yourself.
NERO: To think that you could even hope to secure a demigod for me proves how naive you truly are.
NERO: Do you realize what you have done?
NERO: The demigod has escaped, and is now running free on our world.
HADES: Father, please!
HADES: I captured her, I swear! I had no idea she would get away!
HADES: My intentions were only to please you!
HADES: I can get her back!
HADES: Please give me another chance!
HADES: I HAVE THE ONLY KEY, THERE IS NO WAY SHE GOT OUT.
HADES: SHE MUST HAVE TRICKED ME!
HADES: OH I KNEW THERE WAS DECEIT GOING ON AND I FELL FOR IT!
HADES: Oh gods.
HADES: WHERE DID SHE GO?
NERO: Very well.
NERO: I will see this demigod.
NERO: But know, that this does not even begin to make up for your sins.
NERO: You will still not be forgiven.
HADES: Yes. I understand. It is what I deserve.
NERO: I told you to vanish.
NERO: Become nothing.
NERO: And yet here you are, continuing to interfere.
HADES: Yes I know.
HADES: If you will just listen, I think you will be pleased with what I have brought you.
NERO: Very well. I will let you entertain the notion that you have even a chance at redeeming yourself.
HADES: Thank you, father.
HADES: My exile has gotten me to thinking of ways to help with our mission.
HADES: For example, what if I were to preemptively aid in your invasion.
HADES: In such a way that eliminates a problem before you even have to deal with it.
HADES: To make things easier for you all.
HADES: I made it my personal mission to eliminate the demigods, the beings that be the most prominent barrier to our success.
HADES: And I have brought down one of them.
NERO: You don't mean to say that you killed one?
NERO: Demigods can only be killed under special circumstances, and I doubt you have the thought capacity to consider such a thing.
HADES: No... I didn't kill one. Not yet.
HADES: I am aware of the circumstances of demigod death, and believe me I've tried to circumvent them.
HADES: But since I am unable to kill them myself, I settled on capturing one.
HADES: And I have brought it here, as a gift to you.
HADES: So you may do with it as you please.
HADES: Probably kill it, which I am sure you can manage.
NERO: Hades. Am I really to believe that someone as incompetent as you was able to capture something as elusive as a demigod?
HADES: Absolutely! Rose is in the landing area! Completely defenseless!
NERO: You bothered to learn its name?
HADES: I... yes. We have spent a lot of unavoidable time together, such information is bound to be discussed.
HADES: I have returned.
NERO: I seem to recall telling you never to return to this planet.
NERO: And yet you've made it here apparently with ease.
NERO: I assume you stole someone else's ship to bypass the turrets set to gun you down?
NERO: Of course, you of all people would resort to theft.
NERO: Tell me, what gave you the impression that you should disgrace Cyronillia with your presence once again.
HADES: I have come with a gift.
NERO: What could you possibly give me to make up for the shame you have brought upon your entire species?
NERO: You could give your own life and it still wouldn't be enough.
HADES: Yes. I know.
HADES: My gift is very small in the grand scale of things.
HADES: In fact it is so trivial compared to the damage I have caused.
HADES: But, anything at all I can do to serve you, I am willing to provide.
HADES: And I have obtained something that will aid in the overall success of our mission.
NERO: Is that you I hear standing there stammering like a coward?
There he is. Watching over the city, as unreadable as usual.
You open your mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. You stand there. Unable to move, unable to speak. Should you just turn back now? Was it a bad idea, returning home against the orders of your father?
You make your way to confront your father with the gift you have brought for him. You should feel excited, you should feel like you've accomplished something, but you don't. Everything seemed so simple the way Rose explained this to you. That damned Rose made you forget that your father is hard to impress. What is but one demigod to an emperor? Very little, you now realize. Especially when there are many many more still running free, demigods that could probably crush you with a sweep of their hand if they caught you off guard. Your father won't be impressed with you. He never is. Your best effort is never good enough. You do not even possess the ability to be good enough. You will always be a disappointment in his eyes.
But, you've come this far. What is the worst that he can do to you if you at least try to show him how devoted you are? You've already been banished, you've already payed with an arm and a leg- you mean eye. What more could he do to you?
What a sucker.
ROSE: One would think you would be excited.
ROSE: But you seem rather down.
HADES: No amount of your talking will save you, Rose. No matter how keen your observations are.
ROSE: I suppose there is no changing your mind then?
HADES: I am sorry, Rose. This is the way it must be.
ROSE: Aren't you going to take me to your leader?
ROSE: That sounds like such a cliche thing to say, in hindsight.
ROSE: "Take me to your leader."
ROSE: I'm sure John would have found that humorous.
HADES: I cannot bear to listen to your ramblings any longer!
HADES: You will remain here while I fetch my father.
HADES: Enjoy your last moments of peace while you can.
HADES: I know what you are trying to do, Rose. You're trying to sway me! Make doubt myself and my actions. You want me to feel sympathy for you! But your pitiful attempts to try and save your life are pointless. There is no sympathy in war.
HADES: I thought I told you to be quiet!
ROSE: You cannot solve your problems by telling them to be quiet.
HADES: You'll be my father's problem soon enough.
HADES: And he will find a way to silence you for good.
ROSE: Ah yes. If what you say about your father is true, he will surely find a way to kill me.
ROSE: I keep forgetting I am potentially nearing the final hours of my life.
ROSE: Despite everything I've said... All the denial in the world can't prevent me from feeling somewhat apprehensive.
ROSE: I can't help but think of my friends, they will miss me dearly.
HADES: It is the color of Orpheus's blood, which he bled so that we may have tranquility and peace.
ROSE: And yet clearly the lot of you are on the brink of annihilation and you're poised to initiate war.
ROSE: Don't you find that ironic?
HADES: Peace does not come without sacrifice, Rose.
HADES: I have come to learn this over the years.
HADES: Ages ago, Orpheus gave himself up so that we could be free. Now, in this new era, we must continue to assure that his sacrifice was not in vain. We must do whatever it takes to survive, and we are willing to sacrifice your species so that we may live in peace once again.
ROSE: Just like how you are willing to sacrifice me so that you may be at peace with your father?
HADES: I have no other choice.
ROSE: If you say so.
You are now Hades.
You look into the sky, and know exactly where you're headed. You must bring the time artifact to Her. Then, the plan can begin.
You begin to make plans. You must return to where you came, and play your part in the siege. But not only that, you must save your sister. She might be dead in this world, but the future is fluid. Now that you know what is going to happen, you can take steps against it. And it order to save your sister, you know that the alien girl must be eliminated. But, of course you can't just kill her, demigod rules are complicated. But... you can hit her where it hurts. Do to her what she plans on doing to you in the future. Then, you can bait the hero out of her and end it. You will make her pay.
You know now that you have to return to the past, somehow. It is destined. The siege could not have begun without you. But how? It is apparent to you that this artifact used to send you back only works for those who wield the gift of time. Luckily you know someone proficient in that field.
You remove the weapon that ended her life.
You know this weapon.
It is your father's dagger. One he has carried with him for as long as you can remember. You find yourself filled with rage. How DARE that alien girl. Not only did she kill your sister, but she did with with the very dagger your father used in battle. Surely the alien girl did not mean just to kill, but to also insult. Such an act shows just how lowly and dishonorable her race is.
You kneel down beside your fallen sister. Oh, Sylja, not her. She was one Shinobi who you could truly call your friend, the one who listened to your musings, who you weren't afraid to confide your darkest secrets too. She was your only sister, and the only sibling who hadn't shamed your bloodline.
You watch as the life bleeds out of her.
The alien girl escapes just as you go in for the kill. You don't go after her. You know that you can't catch up.
CRISTYLE: YOU KILLED HER!!!
NOO!!! THIS CANNOT BE THE FUTURE!!!
You are now Cristyle. You watch as events that had once only existed in your dreams play out before you in vivid detail. All the planning, all the hard work, all the build up, and now it is finally happening. Youâve been thrust forward in time to see that your race has managed to succeed in their mission.
And you werenât there to make it happen.
You were told that you played an integral role in your missions success. You were told that you were destined for greatness, that you alone would be the power that would save the Shinobi. And it turns out, they made it happen without you.
Surely there is something you are missing here. Yes, you were presumably ripped from the past into the present, meaning you would not have been there in between. But time travel is a tricky beast. One that even your race knows little about. You HAD to have been there, or else the reality that you see now would not exist.
You have to get back. It is destined.
LIZ: Best three out of five!
LIZ: Doesn't prove anything, there is a one in eight chance of getting three heads in a row!
VRISKA: Hmm.. I'm gonna choose tails this time.
LIZ: What??? Tails?
LIZ: You switched on purpose, you knew getting heads four times in a row is rare!
VRISKA: Not when you have luck like mine!
LIZ: Luck is bullcrap!
LIZ: Call it!
LIZ: How do you keep doing that???
LIZ: Call it!
LIZ: Dang it!
LIZ: HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???
LIZ: Lets see if you can do that again!
VRISKA: Please, I can do this all night!
LIZ: Let's settle this in a true test of luck. A coin flip!
LIZ: Call it, Vriska!
LIZ: You drawing those cards was a coincidence!
LIZ: I demand a rematch!
LIZ: If your "luck stealing" is real, lets see you pull that a second time!
VRISKA: Silly girl, when will you learn!
VRISKA: You'll always lose against me!
VRISKA: What are the chances of that?
LIZ: Like, one in fifty.
VRISKA: That's the power of luck, Liz.
VRISKA: Don't question it!
LIZ: Must have been a critical hit.
VRISKA: Those were all super rare cards?
VRISKA: That was, quite the âluckyâ draw, wasnât it?
LIZ: What! No!
LIZ: That was pure coincidence!
VRISKA: Face it, Liz! You just got ro88ed of all of your precious luck!
LIZ: Luck isnât a real thing!
LIZ: Those are Blitzâs three sacred treasures! The Hellfire Mask of Mystery, the Left Wing of Fear, and the Right Wing of Terror!
LIZ: There is only one of each of those in the deck!
VRISKA: It says these 3 cards can be placed down in conjunction with the first one!
VRISKA: Giving orange guy a plus one hundred power 8oost, and the Divine Fire a8ility!
VRISKA: It says this is a card I can put into play!
VRISKA: Which gives this little orange dude a plus ten power 8oost, as well as allowing him to attack this round.
LIZ: Yep. Thatâs right.
LIZ: Thatâs also a pretty common card.
LIZ: What is that you were saying about luck?
VRISKA: Iâm suuuuuuuure you got a favora8le hand, right?
LIZ: Well... no actually.
LIZ: I didnât get a single playa8le card this time.
LIZ: Just a 8unch of lousy energy cards.
LIZ: This doesnât prove anything though!
LIZ: There are a ton of energy cards in these decks!
LIZ: The odds of me getting a hand like this are actually pretty high!
LIZ: Ok. My turn is over, I canât do anything this turn.
LIZ: Now, you draw 4 cards.
VRISKA: Iâm sure lady luck will 8e in my favor.
VRISKA: No no, you go right ahead!
VRISKA: Donât mind me.
VRISKA: Iâll just be tinkering with the odds of your success with my sweet powers.
LIZ: Uh huh.
LIZ: Nope! The cards shuffle themselves!
LIZ: See, each deck changes based on what fiduspawn you are using.
LIZ: When the cards arenât in use, they are actually blank.
LIZ: They are like, magic cards!
VRISKA: Oh please. Magic isnât real, dum8ass.
VRISKA: Iâm sure these cards use plain old science to do their thing.
LIZ: Oh, and âluck stealingâ is totally scientific too.
VRISKA: Of course it is! Luck is a quantifia8le thing!
LIZ: Heâs a bit of a hothead.
VRISKA: What do I do.
VRISKA: Do I just.
VRISKA: Throw this thing on the ground?
VRISKA: Yeah I guess Iâll do that.
MR. SLITHERS: *excited snake noises*
LIZ: Alrighty then!
LIZ: I hereby formally challenge you, Vriska to a DUEL!!!
VRISKA: I always figured that the day would finaly decide to play Fiduspawn would be the day I 8roke 8oth of my legs and decided to 8ecome a huge cry8a8y and-
VRISKA: I hope youâll realize I donât actually know how to play.
LIZ: Well, if your limitless luck has anything to say on the matter, you shouldnât have a problem!
VRISKA: Whatever you say.
VRISKA: Just give me the damn cards and 8e prepared to lose horribly when I steal all of precious luck and own your ass.
LIZ: Weâll see about that!
LIZ: I mean since youâre the challenger I bet youâre familiar with the rules already so I donât need to explain them.
VRISKA: What are you doing?
LIZ: Iâm getting my fiduspawn cards, you challenged me to a fiduspawn duel just now didnât you.
VRISKA: â¦â¦..Yeah sure. Why not. Itâs not like youâd have any chance in a real duel.
LIZ: Here lets see... Iâm gonna let you use Blitz here!
LIZ: Oh wait do you know what shinies are? Well I better get started on that. Shinies are offbrand colorations of regular Pokemon that appear by chance.
VRISKA: So what, itâs like luck of the draw?
LIZ: Please, itâs beyond luck. The odds are a static 1 in 8000 chance.
VRISKA: Oh please, you may not have known this a8out me, 8ut I am in fact in possession of a fair portion of the luck.
LIZ: How much of the luck?
VRISKA: I just said, a fair portion of the luck. I steal it from all the other losers around me. Thatâs my alien power.
LIZ: I donât believe you. Youâve told me a lot of outlandish things, but you canât just take luck. Luck isnât even a real thing.
VRISKA: Oh? Do I sense a non8eliever in my midst?
LIZ: Gosh, youâre so overdramatic!
LIZ: Ok, I can see aliens having powers like telekinesis, or being ten feet tall and breathing fire, but stealing an intangible force like probability is impossible.
VRISKA: Fine then, Iâll prove it to you.
VRISKA: Letâs have a duel.
LIZ: Alright Iâll get my cards.
LIZ: Or rather youâd think aliens would look like my Fiduspawn here!
VRISKA: Jegus, how many of those things do you have????????
LIZ: Four of them! :D
VRISKA: Liz, I am warning you, you have to stop at that.
VRISKA: Once you start collecting them, you canât stop,
VRISKA: Iâve seen it happen.
VRISKA: You just getting fucking overrun 8y all these gross monsters.
VRISKA: Itâs like an addiction. And addiction is a powerful thing.
LIZ: Donât worry! I can handle them!
ZELGORATH: The Master Liz can handle anything!
MR. SLITHERS: *snake noises of agreement*
VRISKA: Huh. Looks like you DONâT require my companionship for your only form of socialization.
VRISKA: Youâve got these dum8 animals here to kiss your ass all day long.
ZELGORATH: We are not dumb animals!
ZELGORATH: The Master Liz has given me consciousness beyond that of a mindless stuffed toy.
ZELGORATH: How dare you compare my intellect to that of my previous form!
MR. SLITHERS: *disgruntled snake noises*
LIZ: Donât worry guys, Vriska didnât mean to offend.
LIZ: Oh my god, I am so glad youâre here!
VRISKA: Yep. I can see that. Wow you are hyper.
LIZ: I havenât had a friend over in AGES!
LIZ: Thank you SO MUCH for coming over!
LIZ: To be honest, I thought you were gonna say no, given how standoffish and solitary you usually seem.
LIZ: I guess youâre like the rival character in Pokemon who's always pretending they only care about being better than the hero. But then in the end it turns out their harsher outward personality was just a coping mechanism for the rough world around them, like a tough coconut shell covering a sweet milky center.
VRISKA: For the last time I donât know anything a8out Pokemon.
LIZ: Either way. What Iâm trying to say is that Iâm shocked you agreed to come over.
VRISKA: Yeah, this is a one time deal, kid.
VRISKA: Iâm only here 8ecause John decided to invite all of his dipshit over for some meeting today, and I wasnât in the mood to 8e surrounded 8y people who h8 me.
LIZ: Why do they hate you?
VRISKA: Wow, you are nosy. And since I know youâre just going to keep pestering me until I answer you, itâs 8ecause I openly h8 them right 8ack.
LIZ: That seems kind of like youâre creating your own problem there.
VRISKA: Yeah, I guess, 8ut itâs still a stupid shitty situ8tion to 8e in.
LIZ: I wouldnât want to deal with that either.
LIZ: Good thing we donât hate each other then, right?
LIZ: Because weâre friends!
VRISKA: Thatâs so corny, god.
LIZ: Oh, come on. Lighten up! If youâre going be an alien living among humans, youâre going have to accept that humans like to make friends. Because we are very social animals!
VRISKA: I know, I know!
VRISKA: Trolls make what you humans call friends, too. I mean sure, weâre more likely to murder our friends. 8ut still, itâs pretty much the same.
LIZ: Iâm just going to ignore that last part...
LIZ: You know, for an alien, you sure look pretty human too, you know?
VRISKA: I guess so.
LIZ: Itâs actually kind of fascinating that convergent evolution took place on two completely different planets.
LIZ: I wonder what that says about life as a whole? Does it just trend towards the same patterns across the universe? Or is it all just some big cosmic coincidence?
LIZ: Iâm just battling my monsters!
QUINN: You are what.
LIZ: Battling my monsters.
QUINN: So, its like a cock fight?
LIZ: No! Itâs a Pokemon battle, which is nothing like a cock fight by the way.
LIZ: Donât even get me started on how the ethics of Pokemon donât translate to real life.
LIZ: Itâs just a simple game for kids, nobody is gonna play Pokemon and be like âI wanna pretend my dog is a Pokemon and have it fight!â Because that is just-
QUINN: Ok fine, whatever!
QUINN: Just... Donât get too crazy with those monster things, all right?
QUINN: If you break a window, the money is coming out of your pocket. You hear me?
LIZ: Iâm not going to break a window.
QUINN: By the way your friend is here.
LIZ: Whats up?
LIZ: Use Night Slash!
LIZ: Show Mr. Slithers whoâs boss!
FEFERI: Everyone, this is Meena)(! My wonderful dancestor!!!
MEENAH: can someone cut me down already
FEFERI: )(ow )(ave you been?
MEENAH: whale aside from getting murdered and then waking up all tied up and shit
MEENAH: not bad i guess
FEFERI: O)( itâs so great to see you again!
FEFERI: )(ow is everyone else doing?
FEFERI: I )(avent been able to talk to t)(em ever since the incident...
FEFERI: )(owâs Sollux?
FEFERI: And Karkat?
FEFERI: And )(ow is being leader of Alternia two going?
MEENAH: yeah no
MEENAH: keep talking while i just hang out up here
FEFERI: I HAV-ENT S-E-EN YOU IN FO-EV-ER!!!
MEENAH: YO F-EF!
MEENAH: AR-E YOU T)(E ON-E W)(O SICKED T)(-ESE CRAY TROLLS AT M-E?
FEFERI: Come on guys, back up! Give )(er some space.
???: TELL ZWAELL HE CAN SSUCK MY HORNSS
MEENAH: W)(AT T)(-E )(-ELL!!!!
MEENAH: where the shell am i....
JOHN: you need a hug?
VRISKA: Iâm still sure everyone still h8s me.
VRISKA: Iâm pretty sure you are the only real friend I have left now that wouldnât potentially sta8 me in the 8ack.
JOHN: come on, you have karkat!
JOHN: and liz, i think.
VRISKA: Me and Karkat arenât friends, John.
JOHN: youâre not?
JOHN: are you hate-friends then?
JOHN: if you are, then iâm cool with that.
JOHN: i mean, troll romance is a bit weird, but if that is whatâs normal to you then by all means go ahead.
VRISKA: God, no!!!!!!!! With Karkat? Gross.
JOHN: oh, ok.
JOHN: iâm glad we clarified that..
JOHN: but you still have liz as just a regular friend, right?
VRISKA: I have yet to determine if Liz is a 8acksta88er.
VRISKA: I canât talk to them a8out shit like this.
VRISKA: Hell, I think Iâve told you more sappy emotional stuff than Iâve told anyone else in my entire life, com8ined.
JOHN: well, iâm not sure if i should be flattered, or if that is just kind of sad.
VRISKA: Oh please. Itâs so fucking sad.
VRISKA: This is all just so sad!
VRISKA: And I donât know what to do!
JOHN: ... :(
JOHN: iâm really sorry about your friends, vris.
JOHN: if there is anything that would make you feel better?
JOHN: iâll try and help as best as i can.
VRISKA: I want that blue ninja dead, John.
VRISKA: Iâm going to make her pay for killing them.
JOHN: then lets kill her!
VRISKA: Wow. No hesitation a8out that at all, huh?
VRISKA: Youâve changed, John.
JOHN: she did kill your friends, and she is likely going to be the cause of even more shit.
JOHN: plus she beat you up, and she isnât going to get away with that!
JOHN: of course, im going to let you do the actual... well... killing of the ninja.
VRISKA: Of course.
VRISKA: Although, what good is it going to do.
VRISKA: Itâs just another 8ig cycle of revenge we will 8e starting.
VRISKA: And itâs not going to 8ring Tavros and Meenah back.
VRISKA: I didnât even get to say good8ye to them, John.
VRISKA: Hell, I havenât talked to Meenah in... what is it, months? Is that the right human word?
VRISKA: John, Meenah was a god tier!
VRISKA: She shouldnât have died!!!!!!!!
JOHN: then maybe she isnât dead?
VRISKA: Yeah. I guess we still have that false hope to cling too.
JOHN: you never know.
VRISKA: I just donât fucking understand.
VRISKA: How could this even happen?
VRISKA: We all made it.
VRISKA: We saved the universe together.
VRISKA: We should 8e done with this shit.
VRISKA: How can they be dead after everything weâve 8een through?
VRISKA: I wasnât even around to try and save them.
VRISKA: I just fucking ditched everyone and tried to forget a8out them.
VRISKA: I didnât know they were going to die!
VRISKA: Itâs all 8ecause I a8andoned them all to come live with you isnât it.
VRISKA: Thatâs why they are dead.
JOHN: vriska, this isnât your fault!
JOHN: you had no way of knowing that would happen.
VRISKA: That still doesnât change anything.
VRISKA: If I had 8een there I could have done something.
JOHN: do you...
JOHN: want to go back?
VRISKA: I donât know.
JOHN: if you do want to leave... i understand.
VRISKA: What good would it do.
DAVE: ill just go stand on rooftops watching wistfully over the city while my awesome cape flows in the breeze or something
JOHN: you go do that.
DAVE: until next time my friends of the past
VRISKA: Iâm fine.
JOHN: are you sure you're ok?
JOHN: i can carry you if you want.
VRISKA: Iâm fine.
VRISKA: Lets just get out of here.
VRISKA: I want to go home.
DAVE: yeah you guys move along
DAVE: ill find you later when its time to break the news to everyone
DAVE: then we can start figuring out how were gonna deal with the shinobi
JOHN: do you have a place to stay?
JOHN: you can come with us if you want.
VRISKA: Fuck no.
DAVE: yeah i figured just as much
DAVE: guess what john
DAVE: im from the future
JOHN: wait, what?
JOHN: dave i thought you were done with time travel.
JOHN: but if you came back, then that can only mean,
DAVE: the future is shit
DAVE: and ive come back to fix it
JOHN: oh no.
JOHN: oh hell no.
DAVE: hell yes john
DAVE: we all have first class tickets to shit-ville
DAVE: and im gonna help you guys abandon ship before we crash into hell
JOHN: oh god.
JOHN: this is really bad.
JOHN: really really bad.
JOHN: god dammit, itâs those alien ninja guys isnt it?
JOHN: they were serious about all this nonsense.
DAVE: you know they are the shinobi
DAVE: not ninja guys
DAVE: thats like calling the trolls âcandy corn peopleâ
JOHN: dave, who cares what they are called?
JOHN: lets just...
JOHN: what are we supposed to do?
DAVE: well we are going to figure that out together my friends
DAVE: ive got a few key moments where we might have royally fucked up pinned down
DAVE: but who knows if fixing them will change anything
DAVE: time is a fickle bitch
JOHN: why do we have to go through this shit again?
DAVE: i dont know man
DAVE: i guess the universe has just doomed us all to eternally dodging apocalyptic scenarios
JOHN: oh god.
JOHN: you need to come have a talk with all of us and explain to everyone what is going on.
JOHN: they need to know.
JOHN: we need to deal with this.
DAVE: thats not a bad idea
DAVE: before we even consider that
DAVE: you need to worry about getting vriska home first
DAVE: she shouldnt be out here on the account of the government losing its shit right now
JOHN: youâre right.
JOHN: why are you dressed like that?
DAVE: oh this here getup
DAVE: dont you like it
DAVE: torn up capes that majestically flow in the wind are all the rage nowadays
JOHN: what is going on?
JOHN: vriska what happened!
JOHN: are you ok!
JOHN: whats wrong
JOHN: dave whats going on
JOHN: what happened to her?
DAVE: nothing she wont recover from
JOHN: what are you talking about?
DAVE: she got into a bit of a scrape with cristyle
DAVE: you know
DAVE: the blue ninja
DAVE: would have been pretty bad if i hadnt shown up
JOHN: what were you thinking?
JOHN: you cant just run off like that!
JOHN: something horrible might have happened!
JOHN: oh no
DAVE: there he is
DAVE: no problem
DAVE: john should be here any second now looking for you
DAVE: you can run into his loving embrace or whatever you guys do
DAVE: its not like i expected to be any comfort in comparison
DAVE: you sure your ok
DAVE: here let me help you
VRISKA: D8NâT TOUCH ME!
VRISKA: GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!
DAVE: oh so you can talk
VRISKA: JUST ST8P TALKING TO ME LIKE WEâRE FRIENDS! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!
DAVE: woah cool it
DAVE: you alright
DAVE: what am i talking about
DAVE: of course you are alright
DAVE: youre vriska
DAVE: am i right?
DAVE: still out of breath from flung straight into a brick wall huh
DAVE: damn thats gotta hurt a lot
DAVE: no wonder you are so unusually quiet
DAVE: i was worried you were just ignoring me or something
DAVE: you look pretty hurt
DAVE: need any help?
DAVE: just nod your head or something if you need help
DAVE: or do the opposite of you think youre gonna be ok
DAVE: ok maybe you are just ignoring me
DAVE: thats fine
DAVE: i get it
DAVE: you dont want to talk to me
DAVE: youve been through a lot of shit
DAVE: ill just keep talking
DAVE: you know if i hadnt of saved your ass right then and there
DAVE: you would have gotten dragged off and locked away
DAVE: of course not before she killed you horribly just for the fun of it
DAVE: knowing full well you would just revive again
DAVE: nothing heroic or just about that i suppose
DAVE: so then she would turn your into the local alien catcher
DAVE: and we would have had to go all shawshank redemption on your ass to break you out of there
DAVE: what a fucking mess that was
DAVE: at least i just saved everyone from having to go through all that shit again
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: again from my perspective at least
DAVE: its not gonna happen to you guys
DAVE: time travel is a confusing bitch isnt it
DAVE: you still listening
DAVE: look i know youre going through some tough shit right now
DAVE: im sorry about what cristyle did to your friends
DAVE: and sorry about all that buisness with that dumbass troll conspiracy
DAVE: and there is going to be worse things coming your way
DAVE: but your going to be ok
DAVE: i promise
DAVE: unless of course me interfering just now drastically altered the time stream or whatever
DAVE: and soon this whole place is going to be overrun with dinosaurs
DAVE: not that me sending cristyle off with that scarf is going to be a problem
DAVE: that super stylish scarf-o-time can only be used by yours truely
DAVE: me and aradia
DAVE: basically it only works for time players
DAVE: so we dont have anything to worry about
DAVE: you forgot what i told you didnt you
DAVE: about not running off and doing some crazy ass stunt
DAVE: well some things i guess you just cant change
CRISTYLE: That is right, bow down before me and tremble!!!
CRISTYLE: I took down your emperor AND the toreador.
CRISTYLE: You think you stand a chance?
CRISTYLE: I assume these little artifacts do more than just roll numbers. They were your only way to fight me, werenât they?
CRISTYLE: Well, now they are mine!
CRISTYLE: You have no way to fight back!
CRISTYLE: A measly little troll is nothing compared to the strength of the shinobi!
CRISTYLE: So, little troll.
CRISTYLE: Here is what is going to happen.
CRISTYLE: I get to take you as my prisoner and bring you to the human overlords.
CRISTYLE: Then, they take you captive, locking you away forever.
CRISTYLE: Whatâs the matter?
CRISTYLE: At a loss for words?
CRISTYLE: Are you unable to argue to the fact that you have utterly failed?
CRISTYLE: Oh yes! I remember.
CRISTYLE: The queen one.
CRISTYLE: And the cowardly bull child.
CRISTYLE: Well, you certainly are to the point.
CRISTYLE: Now tell me, little troll, what could I have possibly have done to upset you so much that you would decide to kill little old me?
CRISTYLE: Was it the fact that I turned the entirety of this planet into your enemy?
CRISTYLE: Because your rage would be justified then, as I am sure my plan was very effective.
CRISTYLE: How do you take down the demigods of a planet? Turn their own people against them, of course.
CRISTYLE: It is flawless!
VRISKA: You... You killed my friends.
CRISTYLE: Yes, just run outside screaming and drawing attention to yourself, when the whole world wants your head on a stake.
CRISTYLE: I’ve met livestock that had more survival skills than you.
VRISKA: COME OUT AND FIGHT ME!!!!!!!!
JOHN: you guys can leave at any time.
KATE: Yes, Gary. Lets leave.
GARY: But I'm confused.
GARY: One minute we are told that you guys are the bad guys, and now we are being told that the other guys are the bad guys, and now you are acting like I'm the bad guy. Who exactly is the bad guy here again?
KATE: Apparently the space ninjas.
JOHN: yeah. like i said before. i can assure you that my friends aren't evil.
JOHN: they are actually pretty nice once you get to know them.
KATE: Gary, lets just leave. We've already upset them enough.
KATE: We are going to have plenty of other alien problems to deal with once HQ gets their claws into this nonsense.
HADES: I don't know who that is.
ROSE: The cool one.
HADES: Oh I see, the one with the dog ears.
ROSE: Sure. Why not.
ROSE: You know, I was stranded on the moon with no way to contact them.
ROSE: And they have no idea what will become of me.
ROSE: I hope they will forgive me for giving myself up.
HADES: They shall remember you with honor.
ROSE: I hope so.
ROSE: I wasn't always the most rational person however.
ROSE: I did manage to get them and myself into trouble on more than one occasion due to my own impulsive behavior.
ROSE: Kind of like you, right?
ROSE: Apparently getting into trouble a lot?
ROSE: Maybe we aren't so different.
HADES: I know what you are doing.
HADES: Stop it.
HADES: Be quiet.
HADES: Or I will silence you myself.
ROSE: Very well then. I guess you aren't in the mood for talking anymore. You can return to your dispassionate brooding posthaste.
HADES: Well that's a good thing then, isn't it? It has the word father in it.
ROSE: No, not really.
ROSE: You also have an uncanny knack for assessing situations at face value, which can lead to many humorous misunderstandings..
HADES: I prefer to punch my way into situations. In the face.
ROSE: You know punching will not solve your problem with your father though, I doubt you could bring yourself to punch him.
HADES: And disgrace him with my pathetic claws? I would not dare.
ROSE: No, I meant more, you wouldn't want to hurt him because he's your father. It is natural to care about the life and well being of family, is it not?
HADES: Yeah. I guess.
HADES: Then I'll have to think of another way to change his mind, without violence.
ROSE: You could try talking to him. Use your words.
HADES: My words are nothing to him.
ROSE: You know what, I think you worry about him too much.
ROSE: Why not worry about yourself for a change?
HADES: Because, I'm nothing.
ROSE: Oh and inferiority complex too, your mental profile is just riddled with problems.
HADES: There's that "complex" phrase again, what does that even mean?
ROSE: It means you, Hades, are a complex man.
HADES: I am trying to take over your planet.
HADES: Why are you trying to help me so much?
ROSE: Why not? I've got nothing better to do. And it's not like giving you a little one on one psychological therapy is going to hurt my cause in any way. Actually, I'm primarily just trying to entertain myself on what would otherwise be a boring and monotonous interstellar trip.
HADES: I feel like that's not the real reason.
ROSE: No Hades, I am always serious in everything I say all the time, just like you.
HADES: As if. Your insincerity is annoying.
ROSE: You are absolutely no fun at all.
ROSE: Fine then, if you're going to be a baby about a little bit of good natured teasing then I'll just reveal my grand purpose.
HADES: Good natured?
ROSE: Yes, because despite your every attempt to the contrary I almost like you, because of the common ground we share.
HADES: Common ground?
ROSE: Do you repeat two random words you hear with all the ladies or am I just special? Yes, common ground. I understand what it's like to want a parent to see you. You could say I'm a specialist on making people see, and illuminating things. I could help you.
HADES: Well, I could also launch you into the void of space to rot for all eternity.
ROSE: But that's just so boring. Also, impractical, as you would surely die in the process of opening the hull of this ship attempting to eject me into space.
HADES: You and your thinking things through. Ugh. I guess the alternative then is just presenting you to my father and letting him decide what to do with you.
ROSE: That is the plan!
HADES: I really wish you had someone else to talk to right now so you could leave me alone.
ROSE: So do I, but alas, my friends are lightyears away by now.
HADES: Stop using big words to confuse me.
ROSE: Why are you doing this?
HADES: Doing what?
ROSE: What’s the source of your determination to capture and detain us “demigods”?
HADES: You know why.
HADES: The fate of my race depends on it.
HADES: You demigods clearly aren’t going to let us just take your planet.
HADES: So you must be removed.
ROSE: Yes, I knew that.
ROSE: But, it was your father who orchestrated the pursuit of our planet, correct?
ROSE: He doesn’t seem to take kindly to you, yet, you relentlessly follow his orders.
HADES: Of course I do.
HADES: He is my father.
ROSE: But he doesn’t like you at all, does he?
HADES: He is justified in his disdain.
HADES: I am a failure and Father has shunned me in order to teach me a lesson.
ROSE: It seems to me like you shouldn’t be fulfilling the wishes of someone who treats you in such a way.
HADES: I don’t know how you humans work. But where I come from, you can’t just expect people to like you. You have to earn your respect by proving to people you’re worth to them. Nobody is going to be there to pity you if you fail to be useful.
HADES: I am the son of the emperor, so I have even more of an expectation to prove my worth and secure my honor. Especially to my father.
ROSE: You were exiled by him, yet you still refuse to give up?
HADES: I will never give up. Not ever.
ROSE: That is quite admirable. I think your father is unwise not to let you return to your ranks given your impressive tenacity.
HADES: I wish father saw it that way.
HADES: But he has decided to test me further by giving me a near impossible assignment. Take down the demigods of your planet.
ROSE: That seems like a very important task to give to someone who has supposedly failed in the past.
HADES: I am sure that if I fail, he will give the job to someone much more qualified.
HADES: Probably my sister even.
HADES: But, he gave me a chance, and as far as I am concerned, that is all that matters.
ROSE: I think you're basing the entirety of the outcome of your quest on how your father sees it.
ROSE: You’re focusing too much on what he wants. So, what do you want?
HADES: To honor my father.
ROSE: I have accepted my fate.
ROSE: I figure the most I can do at this point is not to waste the time I have remaining languishing in my own fear of impending doom.
HADES: You know that you might not die right away. Unless the gods deem your death as just, you will be subjected torture for the remainder of your days.
ROSE: It is a little bizarre to me how you know of such laws.
HADES: How is it bizarre?
HADES: Is it common knowledge to us.
HADES: Legends speak of the tyrannical demigods who could only be vanquished by the judgement of either good or evil.
ROSE: I don’t suppose you are aware of any lore of a similar vein?
HADES: Oh, we have many tales like that.
HADES: But I couldn’t sit here and tell them all to you.
HADES: I am not the most skilled storyteller.
ROSE: I wouldn’t mind listening to the legends of your people.
HADES: I would really rather not.
ROSE: Why not?
HADES: I don’t even know why I’m talking to you.
HADES: You are my prisoner.
HADES: You should be silent.
HADES: In fact, I demand it.
HADES: Be silent, Rose.
ROSE: But wouldn’t it get a bit lonely? Rocketing through space with only only the sound of the engines to keep you company?
ROSE: Not to mention it would be awkward.
ROSE: Us being cramped in this tiny ship not saying a thing.
HADES: I don’t want you to talk, because I feel like it will backfire.
HADES: You apparent disinterest in the fact that you are doomed is unsettling me.
ROSE: It is nothing but a human defense mechanism.
ROSE: You know there is no way for me to escape.
ROSE: I do not have the required strength to free myself from these shackles.
HADES: Yes I know. You keep repeating yourself.
ROSE: What else is there to say on the matter?
HADES: I don’t know what to make of you Rose.
KANKRI: I supp9se sending a sc9ut to Earth w9n’t d9 any harm. We will see if his warning has any truth t9 it.
KANKRI: While I d9 n9t wish t9 9ffend y9u by my asking this, s9mething still remains that is unclear t9 me. As the leader 9f a s9ciety, y9u t99 als9 must have the 6est interests 9f y9ur pe9ple in mind. S9 what is there t9 gain in helping us Tr9lls? What are your m9tives?
NERO: Is there no greater reward than helping a brother in need?
KANKRI: I supp9se s9. Very well then, I shall 6e 9ff.
NERO: I shall contact you later if need be.
KANKRI: N9ted. G99d6ye t9 y9u.
NERO: And take action if necessary.
KANKRI: Are y9u suggesting that we take vi9lent measures against the humans? 6ecause I have strived to build a s9ciety where vi9lence is n9t necessary due t9 the implementation 9f a strict adherence to civil and diplomatic meth9ds 9f pr9blems s9lving. D9ing such a thing t9 the humans w9uld 6e 69rderline hyp9crisy.
NERO: Alas, the leader of any civilization carries a heavy burden. In order to keep your way of life safe, sometimes measures must be taken to ensure its longevity. And sometimes, those methods must remain a secret in order to protect those who follow you while making sure justice is carried out.
NERO: I understand that my suggested methods of dealing with the human threat may seem extreme to someone as good at solving problems with words as you are, but understand that I only wish to protect your kind.
KANKRI: Yes... I d9 understand. Rec9nnaissance missi9ns d9 seem like a viable 9ptions, and if I supp9se if it comes d9wn to it, we can neutralize any p9ssi6le threats. But, what of 9ur friends? The her9es wh9 fought for us? Which side are they 9n?
NERO: That is unclear to me now.
NERO: However, it is not unwise to assume that they would side with their own species.
NERO: I advice not contacting them for now, as you might give away the fact that you have your own plans.
KANKRI: Yes, I see.
NERO: And remember. You must keep this information to yourself and those you trust to help you deal with it. You wouldn’t want to upset your people with this news, especially when this is an issue you can handle on your own.
KANKRI: Are you sure I can d9 this 6y myself? I am merely a dipl9mat.
NERO: A diplomat who can settle a growing conflict between two races.
NERO: And if worse comes to worst, I can send help if needed.
NERO: Now, good luck to you and your kind.
NERO: You see in my world, all things are ruled by fate. A fate laid out for us by the score written by the great Orpheus long ago. As his heir, I ensure our race follows the score to the golden future laid out for us by fulfilling the requirements along the way.
KANKRI: Interesting. What y9u present 6ef9re me f9r my intellectual analysis t9 c9mprehend is a s9ciety c9mpletely c9ntr9lled 6y the c9ncept 9f destiny which may 9r may n9t even exist. Indeed I w9uld find this disheartening were it n9t f9r the cruel and ar6itrary ways f9r which parad9x space seems t9 ch99se which timelines survive as the alpha and th9se that are cast away t9 the v9id 9f n9thingness. 6ut that highly c9mplex issues like that are t99 much t9 de6ate f9r n9w, s9 I will leave y9u with this ackwn9ledgement that certain aspects 9f this universe are set like scars 9f splashed 6l99d patterned acr9ss the stars.
NERO: Yes. And one particular scar to address is your former comrade.
NERO: The descendant of the hierophant.
KANKRI: Y9u mean Karkat?
KANKRI: Yes, n9w I think I’ll quiet myself and listen t9 what y9u have t9 say.
NERO: I sent an ambassador to try and stop Karkat before he could usurp the throne but, it seems they reached you too late. I already feel a deep sorrowful regret in my inability to protect former the leader of such a race likened to our own values of honor.
NERO: As an act of apology for this failure, I propose an alliance between us and-
KANKRI: Yes, that s9unds like a reas9na6le c9urse 9f acti9n.
KANKRI: I am all f9r alliances and discussi9ns 9f mutual pr96lems, 6ut I w9uld like t9 kn9w-
NERO: You said you would be silent, now be honorable and adhere to your words.
NERO: I propose an alliance against a newfound enemy. They are among the most barbaric species which I have seen tarnishing the name of your people.
NERO: There is a race called Humanity, which has learned of the existence of trolls, and refers to them with slurs such as ‘demons’ or ‘horned beasts’.
NERO: I, knowing you are falsely linked to these evil names, took it upon myself to find the source of the matter.
NERO: And I discovered that your own traitor has made the bloodthirsty humans aware of your existence.
NERO: And they are bent on war with your species.
KANKRI: Humans? 6ent on war with us?
KANKRI: I knew they were 6ar6aric and insensative to triggers, 6ut I have 6een in asc9ciati9n with a few select humans, and they were friendly with us.
NERO: Yes, you have encountered a few humans who were used to dealing with affairs outside of their own planet.
NERO: Humans can be reasonable creatures, I admit, but when they gather in groups they are panicky, wild, and controlled by their fears.
NERO: Yes, the feeling is mutual.
KANKRI: N9w let us 6egin the usual narrative 9f unt9ld disc9urse thr9ugh9ut the stars in a safe and judgement free envir9nment, thr9ugh which we will c9nduct a n9t s9 6rief analysis 9f the w9efully underc9mplicated issues y9u have summed up f9r me, and realize the pr96lematic nature which is 69th c9mplicated, and ridden with micr9-aggressi9n fuel against a third party.
NERO: Yes, I wish to enlighten you of our existence and culture. “Cultural Exchange” as you so call it.
NERO: But more importantly, as a sign of good will, I must deliver unto you a warning.
KANKRI: Yes, 9f c9urse y9u're right, I h9pe y9u will f9rgive me f9r such a micr9transgressi9n in assuming that just 6ecause y9u were 9f an alien species I c9uld 6e f9rgiven in f9rgetting the m9st imp9rtant 9f all precurs9rs t9 true dial9gue, n9w all9w me t9 make myself decent 6y dressing this essay, I mean c9nversati9n in a series 9f red trigger warnings. Triggers include 6ut likely will n9t 6e limited t9, class 9ppresi9n, culling culture, and vi9lence against shru6s, envir9nmental a6use, inhumane am9unts 9f science, lifespan shaming, a6leist slurs, pr9lix dissertati9n...Actually may6e it will 6e easier f9r y9u t9 list y9ur triggers.
NERO: I am far too old to be shocked by anything anymore. My eyes have seen all.
KANKRI: 9h, I did n9t kn9w y9ur planet was ruled 6y the same age-6ased s9cial structure that is discriminative t9wards th9se with a limited lifespan, f9r example a simple “What are y9u g9ing t9 d9 in the next millenia” can 6e spun t9 6e taken as a highly 9ffensive terms t9 th9se 9f the l9wer castes, especially th9se termed rust 6l99ds. 6ut digressing, which is a w9rd I rarely use 6ecause tangents are valua6le in their 9wn light as learning 9ppurtunities 6etween us, I will try t9 av9id all age 6ased triggers and casually upsetting remarks with y9u.
NERO: Thank you for your considerations, but as I’ve already said I have no “triggers”. However, I too wish to prevent that which could possibly trigger a violent war.
KANKRI: Wait, y9u listened t9 all 9f that? I can p9sitively with9ut questi9n say that has never happened 6ef9re.
NERO: Of course, it’s unbecoming when negotiating peace not to listen to the entirety of the other person’s viewpoints and perspective.
NERO: How else would we come to understanding each other.
NERO: It is proper to listen to all the words a leader has to say.
KANKRI: Yes, technically I am the leader 9f this w9rld. Th9ugh in 9nly in spirit, as a truly fair w9rld requires n9 leader, 6ut merely just citizens.
NERO: Yes, if every citizen was pure, then no government would need to intercede. Unfortunately we live in a world where we are forced to become deceitful to protect ourselves from those with impurities in their hearts.
NERO: Kankri, you consider yourself a crusader not just for social justice, but for justice itself, do you not?
KANKRI: Yes I d9. I am in fact justice’s greatest adv9cate 9n this w9rld since the legislacerat9r lineage t99k the side 9f a trait9r.
KATE: Did you ever stop and think that maybe there is more to this alien situation than you realize?
KATE: I mean, come on. Look at those guys.
KATE: They’re just a bunch of confused kids.
KATE: That’s not an interstellar conspiracy, that’s a highschool drama.
KATE: Sure, maybe this whole story about “evil troll demons” is real.
KATE: Maybe they are just trying to live their lives.
KATE: Did you ever stop and think that maybe these guys never wanted to get involved?
GARY: No not really.
KATE: That’s because you never think from anybody’s perspective besides your own.
GARY: That is not true, Kate. Stop making me look like an idiot.
KATE: Correction, you’re making yourself look like an idiot. I’m merely pointing it out.
GARY: Well it must be so great for you to see everything from Clever Land where nothing can touch you .
KATE: Just think about it Gary. We saw those guys at Halloween, just minding their own business. And then the red ninja jumped out of nowhere and attacked, and they were the ones to jump in and defend others.
GARY: We really need to find a better name for him, instead of just “Red Ninja.”
KATE: Also, he killed two people too. Don’t forget that.
KATE:. So, if the this red ninja was the one attacking, and these guys were the ones defending... Doesn’t that make them the good guys?
GARY: No, remember, he said the red guy with the missing arm and eye had turned against his own kind.
KATE: By attacking everyone in sight? It would be in his best interest to side with the demon trolls instead of provoking them too.
KATE: See, this is why we need to start thinking things through.
GARY: Too bad HQ wiped all the evidence for that day…
GARY: They are just pretending none of that happened.
KATE: Yes, so we should just call off this crazy investigation and go home. Like we should have in the first place.
KATE: I’ve had enough of stalking teenagers with horns.
GARY: But what if....
GARY: The Halloween debacle was just a staged fight!
GARY: A plan for the trolls to look like good guys!
GARY: So they could secretly be bad guys!!!
KATE: What. No.
KATE: Now you're just backtracking here.
GARY: You know what that means.
GARY: “What does that mean, Gary?”
KATE: I hate when you lead a sentence with “you know what this means.”
GARY: Kate. Do you know what this means?
KATE: What does that mean?
GARY: This whole situation goes way deeper than we thought it did. There’s a conspiracy afoot.
KATE: What? Conspiracies aren’t even real. They’re just something people with extreme attention to detail come up with because they have nothing better to do.
KATE: Ok. You know what I guess there is no use trying to convince you not to get involved here.
KATE: If you REALLY want to continue this investigation.
KATE: How about we just sit down and talk to them?
KATE: We will get more accomplished that way instead of pointing guns and waving badges.
GARY: I don’t know. They don’t really look like they want to talk right now.
KATE: Catch them off guard with what? What are you going to do?
GARY: I don’t know... All I am saying is that we should do something.
KATE: No, you see, this is why we are always getting in trouble.
KATE: You just rush in without making a plan.
KATE: You’re like that jerkface in video games that rushes ahead of the party and gets everyone killed because they couldn’t be patient.
GARY: You mean like Leeroy Jenkins?
KATE: Yes. Exactly that.
KATE: But that is besides the point.
GARY: What is your point?
KATE: I don’t know.
JOHN: stop yelling at karkat!
JOHN: i know you're upset, but taking it out on karkat won't solve anything.
KARKAT: THEY WERE MY FRIENDS TOO, VRISKA.
KARKAT: AND THEN EVERYONE FUCKING TURNED ON ME, ALL BECAUSE OF 3 MYSTERIOUS CLAW MARKS ON MY CHEST THAT KINDA LOOKED LIKE I’D BEEN RAKED WITH MEENAH’S TRIDENT.
KARKAT: THEY THOUGHT *I* KILLED THEM, VRISKA.
KARKAT: AND THEY WERE GOING TO KILL ME TOO.
KARKAT: EVERYTHING’S GONE TO SHIT, AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.
VRISKA: WELL YOU NEED TO MAN UP KARKAT, ‘CAUSE THINGS SURE AREN’T GONNA GET ANY 8ETTER!
VRISKA: WHY DIDN’T Y8U TELL ME ANYTH8NG?
VRISKA: YOU LET TWO OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS GET FUCKING MURDERED AND YOU THINK YOU CAN COME HERE AND ACT LIKE NONE OF IT HAPPENED????????
KARKAT: IT WASN’T MY FAULT VRISKA.
VRISKA: YOU SAW THAT 8LUE NINJA F8CKER AND YOU JUST C8WERED LIKE A WR8GGLER.
VRISKA: AND INSTEAD OF MANNING UP AND TELLING EVERYONE WHAT H8PPENED, YOU JUST DECIDED TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT. YOU THINK F8RGETTING IS GOING TO SOLVE ANY OF YOUR PRO8LEMS? NO! YOU GUYS COULD HAVE HUNTED HER DOWN WHILE SHE WAS STILL LURKING AROUND ON ALT8RNIA.
KARKAT: I DIDN’T REMEMBER VRISKA. IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.
VRISKA: MEENAH AND TAVROS ARE GONE NOW, AND YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT.
KARKAT: WELL WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THIS HAPPENED? OH WAIT, YOU WERE HERE ON EARTH HIDING FROM ALL OF **YOUR** PROBLEMS.
VRISKA: DON’T YOU TRY AND PIN THIS ON ME.
KARKAT: THEN YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THIS IS MY FAULT.
VRISKA: THEN WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHY YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD HIDE THIS FROM ME? HUH?
KARKAT: BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO ACT LIKE THIS!!!
VRISKA: Would you kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY? It's hard enough to concentrate without your 8lathering.
KARKAT:[image] YES VRISKA. [image]
VRISKA: Gr8. Now I just have to find out what you know.
VRISKA: I know there is something you don't want to tell me.
VRISKA: You'd 8etter cut to the fucking chase or there will 8e hell to pay.
KARKAT: WOAH, BACK OFF VRISKA.
VRISKA: Not until you tell me what you know a8out that ninja girl.
VRISKA: I don't know why you're so reluctant to tell me what you know, 8ut clearly it is important.
KARKAT: VRISKA, I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE ABOUT HER THAN YOU DO. I SWEAR.
KARKAT: THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING IS BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE. NO NEED TO DRAG YOU GUYS DOWN WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS, RIGHT? WHEN HAVE YOU EVER LIKED TO LISTEN TO MY PROBLEMS, VRISKA? NEVER, THAT IS WHEN.
VRISKA: You know what, I just remem8ered I can read your weaksauce mind like an open 8ook.
KARKAT: GODDAMIT VRISKA, KEEP YOUR FILTHY MEDDLING CLAWS OUT OF MY HEAD.
KARKAT: SHE SNUCK UP ON ME AND-
KARKAT: IT WAS ALL HER FAULT, WASN'T IT.
VRISKA: Will you just spit it out already?
VRISKA: What do you know a8out these ninjas?
VRISKA: This is the second time you've said something like this.
KARKAT: I’VE SEEN HER BEFORE.
VRISKA: You what?
VRISKA: Just gr8.
JOHN: vriska, the ninja lady has another troll on her shoulder.
VRISKA: Pro8a8ly Kurloz. If anyone was going to turn against us it would 8e 8oth of those crazy fucking clowns.
VRISKA: Yeah, ok. This is officially a huge pro8lem. The first thing we need to do is get those fucking spies out of here.
VRISKA: And then we have to find a way to deal with this.
JOHN: hey! its one of the alien ninjas.
JOHN: looks like they’ve already got everyone wrapped around their fingers.
JOHN: already doing interviews.
CRISTYLE: Oh, is this some sort of worldwide broadcast system?
INTERVIEWER: Well, no. It is only broadcasting in the United States and-
CRISTYLE: Greetings, humanlings!
CRISTYLE: Tonight, I have vanquished only a small number of the demonic trolls that lurk in the shadows of your planet. They seek to kill your civilization at the roots. The trolls are living with you as you speak, yet they do not reveal themselves? Why? Because they are scared, because they are trying to seize control by causing you fear. But rest assured, humanlings, if we work together, we can eliminate the troll threat. And I, Cristyle, the princess of Cryonillia, vow to protect this young planet, and I will make sure you will not be overcome by the cancerous trolls. There is no need to thank me for this generous deed of working to save your lives todays from these wretched trolls. It is my pleasure to help.
KARKAT: WAIT, VRISKA HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
VRISKA: Oh what now?
VRISKA: Yeah, I know I should.
VRISKA: To 8e completely honest, they are kind of entertaining.
KARKAT: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLE FIND THIS AMUSING?
KARKAT: VRISKA, DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU YET AGAIN WHAT IS AT STAKE HERE?
VRISKA: Yes, I know, Karkat. You don’t have to remind me.
KARKAT: THEN PUT THEM TO SLEEP FOR CHRISTS SAKE.
KARKAT: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAID WE SHOULD KNOCK OUT ANY GOVERNMENT LACKIES THAT STARTED SNOOPING AROUND.
KARKAT: THEN WE CAN TIE THEM UP AND HIDE THEM SOMEWHERE SO THEY CAN’T TELL ANYONE WHERE WE ARE HIDING!
JOHN: no! that would be a horrible thing to do!
VRISKA: Plus kidnapping government officials would just get us in more trou8le.
JOHN: maybe i should get my dad...
VRISKA: Yeah, he can shoot so much fatherly disappointment at them, they would 8e forced to retreat!
JOHN: yes! that will do perfectly!
VRISKA: W8, isn’t he at some 8uisness meeting or some shit?
JOHN: ugh! yeah, your right. why is he always gone when things like this happen???
KARKAT: GUYS. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE TWO IDIOTS.
KARKAT: THEY KNOW WHERE WE ARE, AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THAT WHOLE “ON THE RUN” SHIT BECAUSE TWO GOVERNMENT LOONIES BLABBED ABOUT WHERE WE WERE CAMPING OUT. YOU MIGHT THINK THEY ARE JUST SOME DOOR TO DOOR COMEDY DUO THAT BARRELED THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR JUST FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, BUT I ON THE OTHER HAND HAVE MANAGED TO RETAIN A BIT OF MY SANITY AND AM ABLE TO REALIZE WHEN THERE IS A FUCKING BLADE DANGLING OVER OUR HEADS. AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE BLADE IS HANGING BY A THREAD, YOU WILLINGLY IGNORE IT DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE TALL ENOUGH TO REACH UP AND TAKE THAT BLADE DOWN FROM IT’S PERILOUS PERCH OVER OUR HEADS.
VRISKA: Holy shit, Karkat. Calm the fuck down.
KARKAT: NO, VRISKA, YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SO CALM. THIS IS POTENTIALLY DISASTROUS SITUATION HERE.
VRISKA: Ok, fine. You're right. Regardless of how hilariously incompetent they seem, letting them leave is a 8ad idea. They will pro8a8ly get us into even more trou8le.
KATE: Before we get in trouble.
KATE: Do you even realize that we could be charged with a whole number of crimes because of you.
KATE: I’m pretty sure pointing a gun at someone, albeit an unloaded one, is AT LEAST a felony.
GARY: Laws don’t apply to aliens, Kate. I checked.
KATE: What? Seriously? ....Ok.
KATE: Still. This is trespassing.
GARY: No it isn’t. I have a warrant!
KATE: There is literally no way you have a warrant, I’ve been with you ever since you decided to investigate this place.
GARY: I’ve actually had one prepared just in case!
KATE: Yeah, that isn’t obsessive at all.
KARKAT: WEREN’T YOU GUYS LEAVING OR SOMETHING?
KATE: Yes! We were leaving!
GARY: You candy corn antler demon aliens are a threat to national security. And it is our job to investigate and eliminate any threat.
VRISKA: Oh my god, they are horns, not antlers.
VRISKA: We aren't goddamn deer!
GARY: Either way.
GARY: You two are going to come with us whether you like it or not.
VRISKA: If you try anything else I’m going to put you asleep again.
GARY: Oh no you don’t!
GARY: Kate, give me your hat.
GARY: Didn’t you line it with tin foil like I asked?
KATE: I’m not putting tin foil in my hat.
KATE: And even if I did, I wouldn't give it to you. I don’t want the gross amount of hair gel you slather all over your head every day to get on my hat.
GARY: I need it to make my hair look shounen and heroic!
KATE: And don't even get me started how your blatantly misusing the experimental anti gravity gel.
GARY: Kate, shut up! Don’t reveal top secret government projects to the aliens.
KATE: Sir, you reveal the fact that we're secret agents all the time so people will think you're cool.
GARY: What just happened.
GARY: Did I just get my mind wiped?
KATE: No. You fell asleep.
GARY: YOU did this!
GARY: Kate, the alien has MIND POWERS!
KATE: I’m going to wake him up, so we can both leave and get out of your hair.
VRISKA: Oh, allow me.
KATE: Sorry. My friend here was going to hurt himself if I didn’t let him in.
KATE: And don’t worry about the gun.
KATE: It isn’t loaded.
KATE: He usually just uses it to deliver bad one-liners.
JOHN: but you don’t just go and burst into someone’s house pointing guns! i almost had a heart attack, jesus!
KATE: Yeah, he doesn't normally go around waving guns at people.
KATE: But... he thinks you guys are bloodthirsty aliens planning to take over the world.
KATE: Even if the gun was loaded, he doesn't actually have the guts to shoot anyone. I'm pretty sure that is why he is such a bad shot.
VRISKA: So he 8elieved that shit the purple alien guy was spouting?
VRISKA: Gr8. Just gr8.
VRISKA: This is clearly proof that you humans are just as gulli8le as I suspected.
KATE: Most people are, yeah.
KATE: So wait.
KATE: You are... an alien. Right?
VRISKA: I suppose that 8n’t a secret anymore.
KATE: And I guess that trick you just pulled with my partner isn’t something most humans can do.
KATE: Yeah... there’s no use denying it anymore is there. Either I’m crazy or aliens are real.
KATE: You didn’t like, ruin his brain or anything, did you?
VRISKA: He’s just asleep.
KARKAT: THIS IS INSANELY AWKWARD.
VRISKA: What the FUCK???????
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT. VRISKA DO THE THING. DO THE MIND CONTROLL-Y THING.
VRISKA: ON IT!
GARY: GARY IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!!!
KATE: Oh my god Gary.
KATE: Don’t point guns at teenagers.
GARY: Auugh. I shouldnât have tried kicking with the foot I got shot in.
KATE: You mean the foot you shot yourself in? Twice?
KATE: Because you suck at guns?
GARY: Yes, Kate, I get it. You donât have to keep reminding me.
KATE: I would have to remind you if you would stop being so DAMN IMPULSIVE.
GARY: Not a chance, Kate.
GARY: Iâve got one more plan your going to scoff at.
GARY: I am going to have to ram into this door and bust it down with PURE FORCE.
KATE: Oh god dammit, youâre going to make yourself black out again!
GARY: Worth it!
KATE: Gary, if I lockpick the door for you, will you not ram into it like a maniac?
GARY: I was hoping you would say that!
KATE: So you werenât really going to do it?
GARY: I will if you donât lockpick that door for me.
KATE: Ok fine.
KATE: Move over.
GARY: Thank you.
KATE: Yep. That went exactly like everyone knew it would.
GARY: I’m going to kick down the door.
KATE: Gary no. Stop.
VRISKA: Go away, no8ody cares a8out your lame human comedy duos.
GARY: Oh! Kate, did you hear that? It was the alien!
GARY: As I said, I will kick down the door if you don’t open up now! I have a warrant!
VRISKA: And I dou8t your inferior human feet are strong enough to 8r8k the impenetra8le wooden doors.
GARY: Oh my god.
GARY: Kate can you believe her?
KATE: (She has a point. Your door opening skills are subpar.)
GARY: That’s it this door is going down.
KARKAT: VRISKA, DON’T TAUNT THEM. YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO MAKE THIS SITUATION A HELL OF A LOT WORSE.
KARKAT: HAVE YOU FAILED TO FUCKING REALISE THAT WE ARE NOW THE PRIME SUSPECTS OF AN INTERPLANETARY ATTACK.
VRISKA: Oh calm down, Karkat. There is literally nothing to worry about. If they get too o8noxious I can just put them to sleep. Psychic mind powers, remem8er?
KARKAT: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MIND POWERS.
KARKAT: YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE PSYCHIC ABILITIES, YOU KNOW. AS FAR AS NORMAL TROLLS ARE CONCERNED, PSYCHIC ABILITIES IS A LOWBLOOD SKILL. THE FACT THAT YOU SOMEHOW OBTAINED THE ABILITY TO SCREW WITH PEOPLE’S HEADS IS A GENETIC ANOMALY THAT SHOULD BE STUDIED VIA DISSECTION OF YOUR BRAIN.
JOHN: karkat, shut up! D:
VRISKA: It is those dumbass “government spies” again.
JOHN: the who?
VRISKA: Remember those two people we met on the Earth Day of Frightening People and Giving Out Candy?
JOHN: oh yeah. the sunglasses men in black wanna-be's.
JOHN: they are seriously back again?
KARKAT: MIGHT I ASK WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
VRISKA: Looks like they believed that nonsense about Trolls.
KARKAT: WELL IN THAT CASE, WE HAVE TO HIDE!
VRISKA: Nah, I can take two stupid humans.
GARY: This is the Official Government Alien Hunting Taskforce.
KATE: What. That is such a fake sounding name.
GARY: We know you’ve been harboring aliens that are a danger to public safety.
GARY: If you don’t open up right this second, I will be forced to kick down the door.
KATE: Yeah right. I’d like to see that.
GARY: Shut up, Kate!
KATE: Seriously what are you doing.
KATE: This is incredibly stupid.
GARY: We are going to stop the aliens, Kate.
GARY: That is what we are doing.
GARY: And this is where one of them lives!
KATE: This isn’t stopping any alien invasion, this is just stalking.
KATE: All you’re going to accomplish by this is getting us labeled as creepy weirdos.
KATE: Just let people who are qualified to deal with this take care of it.
GARY: Who, Kate? Who is qualified to deal with an alien invasion?
KATE: Uh, the Men in Black?
GARY: We’re dressed in suits, and wearing sunglasses. And I’m pretty sure my memories have been mind wiped once.
KATE: That’s because you ran straight into my glass screen door and blacked out for an hour.
GARY: That’s besides the point.
KATE: If you really wanted to help out, you would report their location to the authorities instead of just charging head first into something that is way over your head.
GARY: That is loser talk, Kate
GARY: If you want to be a winner, you have to take risks. You have to take leaps of faith and follow your instincts.
KATE: You have to think about why you’re doing things before you do them though, otherwise you’re just stupid.
KATE: God this whole situation is just so unreal. You know what? I think I have finally snapped! And the fact that we are seriously hunting aliens for real this time is just part of some hallucination. I bet if I try hard enough, I will wake up from this crazy dream.
GARY: Kate, stop avoiding the truth.
GARY: Of course there’s an alien in that house. And you know it.
GARY: You know who you remind me of?
GARY: You’re like that one person in the movie who always has to ruin all the supernatural fun by trying to get the police involved.
GARY: Skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes.
GARY: Like, hey mom and dad? There’s a dinosaur or ghost or alien or whatever in my bed. “Yeah right, junior. Go back to sleep.”
GARY: Well I say to hell with that! Just one time I want to see a dad crap his pants when his kid tells him there’s a vampire in the closet and it turns out the kid is right.
GARY: “OH SHIT EVERYONE GET IN THE MINIVAN”
GARY: That’d be dad of the year right there.
GARY: You heard me.
KATE: Come on. Gary.
KATE: I wanna go home.
GARY: Nobody is stopping you from leaving.
KATE: Except for the fact that I have to stick around in case I need to bail you out of trouble.
GARY: Aww, you would do that for me? Thank you.
KATE: I wouldn’t have too if we just gave up and went home.
KATE: The new season of Doctor Who starts tonight, you know. We might miss it.
KATE: You know, the season with the new Doctor instead of Matt Smith.
KATE: Matt Smith is gone now Gary. Did you realise that? You should be excited!
GARY: Yes, I know. But to be honest Doctor Who was never the same since Moffat took over, ok?
GARY: Now stop distracting me with British Sci-Fi shows, I have important business to attend to.
KATE: What happened to the days when you were just content with watching shows about aliens instead of getting involved in these kinds of crazy schemes.
HADES: You think... I am honorable?
ROSE: You certainly seem the sort.
HADES: Thank you, Rose.
HADES: But why do I feel that this is some underhanded trickery on your part?
HADES: There has to be something for you to gain here.
ROSE: Your father is likely going to dispose of me as soon as I am within his grasp.
ROSE: I just figured we get it over with sooner rather than later.
ROSE: Since you clearly lack the willpower to go through with it.
ROSE: Either I sit here and wait around for a long time until I get killed, or I can get it over with.
HADES: But still, you are helping me. Why?
ROSE: I am simply presenting you with some thoughtful advice.
ROSE: You see, my demigod friends never listened to my wonderful ideas. They always wrote me off as crazy or delusional. You, however. You listen to me. And I admire that about you, and I feel you deserve a bit of help with your troubles because of that.
HADES: And you think it father will respect me after I present him to you?
ROSE: I say it is worth a shot.
ROSE: I mean, what other options do you have?
ROSE: And either way, you get to see your home planet again, which is a plus.
HADES: Father banished me though.
HADES: If my ship is detected back on the planet, they will blast me to bits.
ROSE: Take Terlock’s ship then.
HADES: Good thinking, Rose.
HADES: I think I like your plan.
HADES: You get to minimize your suffering, and I get my honor restored in the eyes of my father. Maybe.
HADES: No. He blocked all communications with me.
ROSE: I presumed that much.
ROSE: Your father needs to know that you are making progress. He didn’t think you could eliminate any of the demigods, yet you have one right here just waiting to be slaughtered. All you have to do is wait for her to commit either a heroic or criminal deed. However, I don’t intend to do that until my suffering has reached the point where I no longer have a choice.
HADES: Ok. Where are you going with this?
ROSE: What if you were to take me to your home planet and personally present me to your father as a gift?
ROSE: I am sure he would appreciate you after showing him that you were able to subdue just one of the elusive demigods of planet Earth.
HADES: Not well. Not well, Rose.
HADES: You heard the story.
ROSE: Might I make a suggestion?
HADES: What advice could you possibly give to me that isn’t some secret plan on your part?
ROSE: As much as I aspire to do so, there is no advice I could give you that would benefit me short of inquiring you to simply undo my shackles right now.
HADES: There is no way I am letting you go.
ROSE: As I suspected.
ROSE: However, you seem to be in a sort of a predicament regarding your father. I have a suggestion that might help him warm up to you.
HADES: I don’t believe it.
ROSE: Just hear me out.
HADES: Yes you do. You want the string don't you.
TERLOCK: You stop that right this instant, young man. DON'T YOU DARE-
HADES: You want it?
ROSE: Sure thing.
TERLOCK: Not the string.
HADES: Yes, the string.
TERLOCK: It isn’t one of your pets.
TERLOCK: In fact, it will probably just turn you into it’s pet. Like the stupid animal you are.
HADES: Oh, you are calling ME an animal?
HADES: I”ll show you who the real animal is.
TERLOCK: You wouldn’t.
HADES: I would.
ROSE: He has a point about the complex you hold towards your father.
HADES: How long have you been sitting there listening to us?
ROSE: Hey, isn’t my fault that you decided to have your big important conversation in front of me. I reasoned by now that you guys just happen to have selective genre savviness and there’s no point in trying to apply logic to your chosen pathways.
TERLOCK: See. Even the prisoner agrees with me that you should start thinking things through.
HADES: Well of course Rose wants me to turn against my plans to kill the demigods.
HADES: She is one of them.
TERLOCK: You learned her name?
HADES: I can pretend to be the bad guy, like Nero said I was. But in secret I can be the good guy and help out with secretly taking down the humans. And I can also continue to capture more demigods.I will be the unexpected victor. The darkhorse prince. That’s who I’ll be.
TERLOCK: Oh. You poor child.
TERLOCK: When will you realise that Nero never expected you to succeed.
TERLOCK: You know he only gave you something to chase after so you would stop whining to him about your exile.
HADES: You are only saying that because you want me to give up!!!
HADES: Because you don’t believe it me!
TERLOCK: All I am trying to say i... have you ever questioned why you’re doing any of this?
HADES: I know exactly why I am doing this. It is the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I am here, the reason I have endured all of the shame and humiliation. I must restore my honor and take my rightful place as prince, by my fathers side. It is the only way I shall ever truly be happy again.
TERLOCK: Child, I am more of a father to you than Nero wishes to be. I was the one who took care of you and raised you, not him.
HADES: Nero couldn’t raise me because it had a duty to attend too. And that duty was leading our race to victory, something which is far more important than spending all his time babysitting me.
HADES: And now, I must prove to him my worth.
HADES: And I am going to succeed, whether you believe in me or not.
TERLOCK: Nero doesn’t want you to succeed, Hades. When will you stop being so delusional?
HADES: SHUT UP!
TERLOCK: To be honest. His plan to stage a war between the humans and those other aliens is quite overly complicated anyway. All boring political machinations and bureaucracy. I say we sneak in at night and slit their throats while they sleep! But no. Nero wants to rip them apart from the inside like the world is a chess board for him to stage his mind games.
TERLOCK: I mean really. All this unnecessary complication for a race which has not even achieved beyond light speed travel. How much of a fight can they put up? I say we just blow them all to bits before they even see it coming.
HADES: Terlock. You just got done telling me how I should be more clever and that just charging ahead is stupid.
TERLOCK: Wow. You were actually listening to me for once?
HADES: Of course.
TERLOCK: Well then. I do realize my hypocrisy on the matter. However those who are clever also run the risk of thinking themselves too clever for their own good.
TERLOCK: A little brutal efficiency never hurt anyone.
TERLOCK: Okay. That’s a lie.
TERLOCK: Brutal efficiency hurts a lot of people.
TERLOCK: Either way, being clever also requires that you know when being clever isn’t actually necessary.
HADES: What. No it isn’t. I think you just like to disagree with father’s plans even if it makes you look like a hypocrite.
HADES: Maybe father is wise not to underestimate our opponents’ skill in dealing with attacks.
TERLOCK: I suppose that is a valid point.
TERLOCK: And maybe you are right about my tendency to disagree with Nero.
TERLOCK: One can only exist alongside a supposedly perfect deity for so long before they become bored. And therefore start to pick at his flaws to satisfy that boredom.
HADES: How could he turn them against me?
HADES: I was trying to help.
TERLOCK: Well. You did royally screw up Nero’s plans.
HADES: What? How? I have been tracking down the demigods, just like he asked.
TERLOCK: Yes, and in doing so you murdered two of the aliens and brought about a whole lot of negative attention to yourself. How are we supposed to look like the good guys if you are going around causing mayhem? I mean really, if you have listened to ANY of my lectures about stealth and cunning. You would have at least had a chance.
HADES: Why has father betrayed me?
TERLOCK: Quiet now, Hades. You’re beginning to sound like a broken record.
HADES: You be quiet.
TERLOCK: Oh, you must actually be quite upset over this.
HADES: Yes! I am. I feel broken apart. Broken apart from my people, apart from father, apart from my home world.
HADES: There’s no hope for him acknowledging one as broken as I.
HADES: Has betrayed me.
KATE: Yeah, uh.
KATE: Those aliens just talked to me.
GARY: Oh really? What did the say?
KATE: Well, one of them, I am pretty sure quoted Gurren Lagann at me.
GARY: That is awesome.
KATE: And the other one said something cryptic.
KATE: You know what, let's get the hell out of here.
CRISTYLE: Although... I am sure you will repay your debt in due time.
JIGGY: BUT F1RST, 1T'S GONNA P1ERCE YOUR FACE!
KATE: Hey, listen alien guy.
KATE: I didn't ask to be dragged here into your fight, it was my idiot best friend's fault.
KATE: If it were up to me I would be as far away from your fight as possible.
KATE: What the hell am I doing, you probably can't even understand me.
KATE: Oh shit.
KATE: Shit shit shit.
GARY: HURRY UP!
KATE: But when we end up getting caught in the middle of some convoluted interplanetary war, you will only have yourself to blame.
KATE: Yeah, that isn’t creepy.
GARY: Shut up, Kate. You’re creepy.
KATE: We are just going to get ourselves in even more trouble.
KATE: Let’s just let the FBI take care of this.
GARY: The FBI can suck it.
GARY: I’m the alien expert here.
KATE: Yes, because watching Men in Black every other weekend totally makes you an expert on the matter.
KATE: GARY WHERE ARE YOU GOING, COME BACK.
GARY: COME ON, KATE!
GARY: I knew those dog prints would lead us to something big!
GARY: I told you it, it’s just like Scooby Doo. All you need to do is find a clue and follow it, and then the monster will find you!
GARY: And you didn’t believe me. You never believed me when I told you aliens were behind those murders.
But here we are, face to face with some real life bloodthirsty aliens all because of my insight and initiative.
KATE: I’m disputing this result.
KATE: Reality is merely a prior adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics.
KATE: And via the categorical imperative I hold that ontologically, it exists in only the imagination.
KATE: Therefore, what you are seeing now is nothing more than your brain bending reality to show you what you want to see. Ergo, there are no aliens.
GARY: Shut up, Kate.
GARY: You can’t quote Hegel and Kant to get out of every situation.
GARY: Besides, what defines reality is electric signals running through your brain.
GARY: And therefore by that logic the only race with technology sufficient enough to influence our brain signals is aliens.
KATE: I was hoping to confuse you enough to break you of your delusion, but I keep forgetting your idiocy has layers of actual smartypants hidden behind it.
GARY: Silly Kate. You can’t confuse me with your big words.
KATE: Way to go, by the way. Now we are right in the middle of the danger zone.
GARY: Kate! Kate!
KATE: Now we are probably going to be maimed by these guys. Or burned. Seriously why is the road on fire, did someone just dump gasoline everywhere for the effect? Because concrete is not flammable.
GARY: Kate! Forget the laws of physics.
GARY: We’re on a highway to the dangerzone.
GARY: Kate, Dangerzone.
KATE: No, Sir.
GARY: Kate,come on have fun. I just found aliens. That means I was right. It’s so great to be me right now. Therefore, you should be happy for me too so we can both be happy about how smart I am.
KATE: Gary, you have no right to gloat.
GARY: What? Of course I do.
KATE: Ok, but, you literally assume everything is because of aliens. So, even though the odds are still extremely unlikely that we would actually find any aliens in the first place, the fact that you pretty much come up with alien conspiracies every day makes the fact that you were right this time kind of unimpressive.
KATE: Your success rate is still one in five thousand.
GARY: Ugh, now we have to talk about math too? Look Kate, I may be wrong most of the time, and you may keep bringing up nerd shit to prove your point, but that doesn’t change the fact that you were wrong this time.
KATE: It also doesn’t change the fact that YOU have been wrong on so many other occasions.
GARY: Come on, Kate. Just let me have this victory.
KATE: Fine, whatever. I give up trying to understand that whacked head of yours.
GARY: You know what we need to do now?
KATE: Take pictures to verify our claim and report this into HQ, because we’re not qualified to handle this on our own.
GARY: Yeah if you want to take the safe route.
KATE: Oh god, where are you going with this.
GARY: The best plan always takes the biggest risk, and right now we need to return to the scene of the crime.
KATE: I thought we were already doing that and we found the dogprints, which led us to this idiotic moment.
GARY: No, the other scene of the crime. We need to find that alien girl and subject her to the third degree before she tries to melt our brains with her microwave rays.
KATE: I’m still pretty sure that was a bluff and she can’t actually do that.
GARY: You saw what they said on the screen though, they’re sleeper agents meant to take over our world from the inside out.
KATE: Because you know we should always believe whatever a purple alien broadcasting himself across the globe says, especially when that alien seemed more propaganda based and militaristic rather than a relatively harmless horned alien who was just kind of a sarcastic ass.
GARY: Well I don’t like sarcastic asses.
GARY: We need to go find her right now, and capture her. Then we will be the heroes, Kate. We can SAVE THE WORLD!
KATE: Gary, no.
KARKAT: FOR THE LOVE OF HELL, VRISKA, DON’T YOU DARE. YOU ARE GOING TO FIND SOME WAY TO FUCK UP AND PUT US IN EVEN MORE DEEP SHIT.
KARKAT: AND GAMZEE WILL TEAR YOU TO BITS.
VRISKA: What, are you saying I can’t take him in a fight?
VRISKA: I could take any troll with one arm tied 8ehind my 8ack.
VRISKA: And with a missing eye.
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T KEEP DOWN THE CLOWN.
VRISKA: Not with that attitude.
JOHN: vriska please don’t get all impulsive again.
JOHN: sometimes being a coward can save your life.
JOHN: a cowering vriska is better than a dead-on-the-side-of-the-road-via-clown-incident vriska.
VRISKA: Get off of me!
JOHN: no! this is the hug that will save your life!!!
VRISKA: Someone has to stand up for us, and if it 8n’t gonna 8e you cowards, then it’s gonna 8e me.
VRISKA: Oh my g8d, that fucking LUNATIC clown is at it again.
VRISKA: That soper-addicted piece of shit-
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN-
VRISKA: I'm going to 8reak off his horns and shove them up his own ass when I-
KARKAT: GAMZEE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING-
VRISKA: Fucking meddling cl8wn.
KARKAT: NOT THIS AGAIN.
VRISKA: Seriously just F8CK THAT GUY.
JOHN: wait, is gamzee the one who lost his mind and decided to murderize all his friends?
KARKAT: YES! VRISKA: YES!!!!!!!!
JOHN: why did you keep him around then?
KARKAT: I JUST KNEW HE WAS GOING TO SNAP AGAIN ONE DAY.
KARKAT: I KNEW THAT DOCILE FACE HE PUT ON WAS JUST A DISGUISE HIDING YET ANOTHER BATSHIT INSANE CLOWN.
JOHN: karkat that didn't answer my question at all. i think you have serious decision making problems.
KARKAT: SHUT UP, I'M A GREAT LEADER. OR AT LEAST I'M A FUNCTIONALLY BETTER LEADER THAN KANKRI WILL EVER BE.
VRISKA: So Gamzee is here too and you didn't tell us, Karkat?
KARKAT: I HAD LITERALLY NO WAY OF KNOWING HE WAS HERE.
KARKAT: CLOWN SHIT, REMEMBER??? THEY BASICALLY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND NONE WILL BE ALL THE WISER.
LIZ: There is more aliens on the news!!! They look like you!
VRISKA: Oh god. Now what.
VRISKA: John, go turn on the TV.
JOHN: sure thing.
VRISKA: I am assuming you saw the big alien guy give his speech, right?
LIZ: Yeah. What a load of garbage, right?
VRISKA: Yeah. It was full of so much gar8age that it literally smelled 8ad.
VRISKA: Also, you might want to hide your monster guys.
VRISKA: I'm pretty sure they are going to give people a heart attack after what happened today.
LIZ: Oh yeah, the only one who knows about them is my brother.
LIZ: He says I can keep them as long as I feed them and clean up after them.
VRISKA: Wow. If only John could be that chill about having aliens in the house.
JOHN: what. i am totally chill!
LIZ: Alright Vriska, I gotta run.
LIZ: Donât get, like, captured by alien hunting people or anything, ok?
VRISKA: It won't 8e a pro8lem!
JOHN: guys. you might wanna come see this.
KARKAT: THAT PRETENTIOUS PURPLE-LADEN DICK WE SAW ON THE TV SCREEN EARLIER.
KARKAT: I SWEAR I'VE SEEN SOMETHING LIKE THAT BEFORE.
VRISKA: Are you saying you've seen these alien ninjas 8efore?
KARKAT: WELL, I REMEMBER KANAYA DESCRIBING THE RED NINJA GUY YOU GUYS FOUGHT TO ME.
KARKAT: BUT... I REMEMBER SOMETHING MORE... BLUE...
VRISKA: Oh really?. May8e there is a mini8oss squad of them organized 8y color: red ninja guy, 8lue ninja guy, green ninja guy, and then once you've defeated all of them you unlock the final 8oss purple ninja guy. Then you have to defeat them and the credits roll and we all win.
KARKAT: VRISKA THIS ISN'T ONE OF YOUR GAMES FOR GIRLS.
VRISKA: I know, I was mocking you.
KARKAT: WELL QUIT IT.
KARKAT:SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GUY IN A STUPID HAT WE SAW TODAY.
KARKAT: I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING FOR SURE, BUT-
VRISKA: So you're saying you met another alien?
VRISKA: And you didn't tell anyone, WHY????????
KARKAT: VRISKA, ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT GUY WAS GIVING ME A SERIOUS CASE OF DEJA VU.
VRISKA: Don't waste my valua8le time with your deja-8ullshit , Karkat.
VRISKA: Did you see another alien ninja? 8ecause those guys are 8ad news.
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW!!??!
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU RIDING MY ASS ABOUT THIS, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SILLY LITTLE PRIMITIVE EARTH PLANET GETTING ALL RILED UP ABOUT ALIENS.
VRISKA: Karkat, my silly little earth planet is in serious trou8le here.
VRISKA: You fail to realise that you and I are now the prime suspects of all the damage they're going to cause. You know what we are, Karkat? Scapegoats. And when everything's 8usted up, they're going to hunt us down and hang us for something we didn't do.
KARKAT: OH, COME ON, YOU DON'T EXPECT THE HUMANS TO BE DUMB ENOUGH TO FALL FOR ANY OF THAT BULLSHIT THAT LUNATIC RAVED ABOUT.
KARKAT: YOUR WORLD ISN'T GOING TO END BECAUSE OF SOME FAKE ALIEN CONSPIRACY.
VRISKA: Oh it isn't fake.
VRISKA: I've met those ninja aliens up close and personal.
VRISKA: Not too long ago.
VRISKA: They told me they were planning to take over the world.
KARKAT: OF COURSE.
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT BAD GUYS DO. ANNOUNCE THEIR PLAN TO THE ENEMY.
VRISKA: Yeah. I know, it doesn't make sense. 8ut I kind of got the feeling that they were trying to justify themselves to us.
VRISKA: Until today though, I had the impression that they were a little less than competent.
VRISKA: Or at least the red ninja guy is just incompetent. May8e he's the 8oss you fight first that's weak 8ecause he was never really supposed to 8e a 8oss in the first place.
VRISKA: 8ut that is 8eside the point.... Whoever is in charge of these poofy pants ninja guys knows what they're doing.
VRISKA: It's a classic flarping maneuver really. I used it to get the upper hand on Eridan in our matches all the time. At least when he wasn't completely screwing his rolls and 8laming me for it just 8ecause the dice don't like him.
VRISKA: Eridan was a paranoid little 8rat, and the only way to get through to him was to pretend I was on his side against a common enemy. And while he was distracted with that, I would sta8 him in the 8ack while he was so focused on sta88ing the other guy. The ninja's are doing the same thing, 8asically. Turning the humans' attention to a completely different threat and creating panic and uncertainty, then offering help in order to catch them off guard.
JOHN: wow. you figured that out pretty fast.
VRISKA: It takes a devious thinker to know a devious thinker. And assuming I am right, all we have to do is contact Meenah and tell her to tell Earth that everything is cool and that they do not want war.
VRISKA: Unless she actually does want to take over Earth, which in that case, while I would admire her am8ition, I would have to admit she is going a bit too far.
KARKAT: YES, THAT IS ALL WE NEED TO DO TELL MEENAH ABOUT THIS.
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT VRISKA, I'LL CONTACT MEENAH FOR YOU AND TELL HER EVERYTHING. I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THOSE GOLD STATUES SHE ORDERED AND... YOU JUST STAY HERE AND KEEP CHURNING OUT ALL THESE BRILLIANT DEDUCTIONS.
VRISKA: You seem pretty 8ent on me not talking to Meenah. What is going on, Karkat?
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I-
VRISKA: Wait, hold on. My phone is ringing.
JOHN: irrational as far as you know.
JOHN: maybe there is some government secret agent out there right now with his binoculars tuned in right on our house searching for fugitive trolls.
JOHN: we already met agents in black suits which totally existed, and while iâï¿½ï¿½m slightly disappointed neither of them was will smith, their very existence still proves my point. which is we can't act without knowing the full picture. even if we did what would we do?
VRISKA: We fight 8ack. Make them wish they were never hatched. That would get the message across.
JOHN: and what? kill a bunch of innocent people who were only scared for their lives because according to men in black all people are dumb panicky and dangerous animals.
VRISKA: Not necessarily, 8ut-
JOHN: oh god what if they come and burst down the door and take you away and dissect you and shove needles in your eyes or some shit.
VRISKA: John, calm down, none of that is going to happen.
VRISKA: If some troll-h8ting government dude comes and tries to take us, we 8eat them over the head with wrench, relocate them, and when they wake up they won't remember a thing.
CRISTYLE: And I will not let you terrorize these poor innocent humans!
CRISTYLE: There is nothing more stomach turning than seeing creatures like you, so full of greed and blood lust, that take joy in causing death and destruction.
CRISTYLE: And I will stop at nothing until this world is safe from your demonic grasp!
KARKAT: WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE A HUGE EXPLOSION, VRISKA.
VRISKA: You goddamn smartass.
JOHN: oh man, i hope nobody is getting hurt! D:
VRISKA: What, do you think we should help?
KARKAT: OH HELL NO. WE ARE GETTING OUR ALIEN PARIAH ASSES OUT OF HERE.
KARKAT: SOMEONE ELSE CAN BE THE HERO TODAY, BUT NOT US. WE GET TO BE THE FRIGHTENED CIVILIANS RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES.
KARKAT: THERE IS NO WAY ALL THESE DISASTROUS THINGS HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.
KARKAT: JOHN, THIS ISNâT THE TIME FOR PETTY APOLOGIES, NOW IS THE TIME FOR RUNNING! GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!
VRISKA: Oh, so you want to apologize to me? Wow, how noble and uncharacteristic of you, Karkat.
JOHN: yeah, lets not do this now.
VRISKA: No! I wanna hear this.
JOHN: vriska, do you understand how much trouble you two are in right now?
JOHN: that guy just broadcasted to the entire city that you two are evil aliens out to overthrow all of humanity.
JOHN: youâre not safe here anymore!
VRISKA: Oh come on, John. Were all super powered creators and guardians of the universe. Well, except Karkat.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.
VRISKA: I think we can handle whatever your species throws at us.
JOHN: no. you donât get it!
JOHN: this is exactly what i was afraid of! this is why i was worried about you being out in public all the time.
JOHN: according to all the movies, when humanity finds an alien species, that species is always assumed to be dangerous, and that alien always gets captured and dissected like they are some kind of monster! usually, they are monsters though. but youâre not a monster vriska, and we are not letting them take you and cut you up and store your alien guts in little jars.
JOHN: yeah sorry, i just grossed myself out there too.
VRISKA: So what are we gonna do, just hide from everyone?
JOHN: let's just focus on getting back to my house as fast as possible.
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD WE ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.
VRISKA: John! Did you see what just happened! There was some ninja guy talking to us!
JOHN: yeah. we have to get you out of here.
KARKAT: YOU DONâT SAY.
KARKAT: WE JUST GOT A BIG TARGET PAINTED ON OUR HEADS.
VRISKA: You know I thought I told you guys I wanted to be left alone.
VRISKA: Kinda funny how you just so happened to be right behind me to get me out of trouble.
KARKAT: YOUâRE WELCOME, YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE.
JOHN: what was i supposed to do? last time you went off by yourself you got lost and i had to come get you!
VRISKA: Fair point.
JOHN: weâve gotta go now!
VRISKA: Oh shit.
VRISKA: What the hell was that a8out........
NERO: I, the Emperor of the Shinobi race, wish you the best of luck, on the behalf of all of my people.
NERO: Together we can save the universe from the plague of the cancerous demons.
NERO: We shall be in touch at another point in time. So until then,
NERO: You can identify a demon as creature not unlike yourselves, but with ghastly gray skin, eyes of fiery gold, and horns of the devil protruding from their skulls.
NERO: We have already sent ambassadors to your world to help rid it of the evil that lies within. Do not fear them. They seek only to help.
NERO: However, beware the prince that has turned rogue. You will know him as the traitor less an arm and and eye, cloaked in red.
NERO: You must all stay vigilant, and keep watch for this traitor, and the demons that he has sided with.
NERO: There exists a world not unlike your own, and not far away, that is populated with a species of demon.
NERO: They seek to invade your world and purge it of all you hold dear, and steal it away for themselves.
NERO: Already, you have been infected by their poison. They have already buried themselves deep within the infrastructure of every major society on your planet, waiting for their chance to strike.
NERO: But do not fret. For I have a plan.
NERO: A plan to end their cycle of destruction and sin.
NERO: We have fought with these demons in the past, and we have successfully rid ourselves of their infection.
NERO: With your help, we can work together to save your world, your way of life, and we can rid the universe of the devilâs minions.
NERO: There is a cancer among us. A cancer that has stained the galaxy with their bloodlust.
NERO: And you are their next targets.
NERO: For the longest time you have been
confined to the limits of your technology, and dreams of touching the stars remained a fantasy.
NERO: I am here to inform you that your age of innocence is coming to an end.
NERO: As much as I wish I could let your species progress on your own, I have no choice but to interfere, for the sake of us all.
NERO: Please, do not be alarmed.
NERO: You have all been chosen.
NERO: To right the wrongs in the world.
NERO: It is time for your race to take the next step into enlightenment.
VRISKA: What the fuck........
VRISKA: John is that you?
Suddenly after a quite extended absence, the second-person narration returns to deliver information. You notice your cell phone start to ring, and remove it from your pocket. It turns out that modern earth society, every teenager is required to carry around a cell phone all the time in order to function in the world. Not to say that it's a bad idea. It certainly is much more convenient than carrying around a whole computer. Sure, you could always carry one in your Sylladex, but really, who wants to fool around with those things? One slip up, and you might accidentally launch your laptop out of your Sylladex straight into some poor innocent human face. In the end, pockets are much more simple and convenient. And cell phones are the most viable option for easy transportation.
You assume that John is calling you to make sure you are OK. However, you don't recognize this phone number. It reads, 000-000-0000. What. Is that even a phone number that can exist? You tentatively select "Answer".
KID: Bye cool alien lady!
VRISKA: Well thatâs not a very nice thing to say to someone.
KID: No! Not weird in like a scary way. Like a cool way!
KID: Are those real antlers?
VRISKA: They are horns.
VRISKA: And yes, they are real.
KID: What about your eye?
KID: Is that real?
VRISKA: One hundred percent authentic spider eye!
KID: Woah that is so awesome!
KID: What are you supposed to be?
VRISKA: Well, human child.
VRISKA: I am an alien who traveled here from a far away planet.
VRISKA: But fear not, small one, I come in peace.
KID: WOAH! SO COOL!!!
KID: You look weird!
KID: Are you some kind of monster?
VRISKA: What. No!
KATE: Like what?
GARY: I dunno. What if we got chased by thugs, or attacked by aliens.
KATE: Why does everything always come down to aliens with you?
GARY: Because. I was right all along.
KATE: Oh my god not this again.
GARY: Kate, you can no longer deny the fact that aliens arenât just the product of some delusional conspirators mind anymore.
GARY: We met aliens. In person.
GARY: Do you need any more proof?
KATE: What if it was a trick though.
GARY: Weâve already established that it was not a trick. You canât keep trying to weasel out of the truth.
KATE: It was worth a shot.
GARY: You spent roughly ten years making fun of me for believing in aliens. Turns out you were wrong. So wrong.
KATE: Sir, you do realize any sane person would have thought the same?
GARY: Ah, fair enough.
KATE: Lets just get out of this nasty alleyway before we do get attacked by aliens.
KATE: Everyone knows that the safest place to be is right in the middle of the city where everyone can see everything.
KATE: Sir, you were the one who insisted I come with you, therefore preventing me from investigating any real leads.
GARY: Ok. Seriously. Why do you keep calling me âsirâ.
KATE: Because itâs hilarious.
GARY: Yeah ok, but it doesnât even make any sense.
GARY: This isnât a formal situation. Weâve been friends for years.
KATE: Thatâs where the humor comes from. It doesnât make any sense, therefore it is amusing to me.
GARY: No it isnât.
GARY: Itâs just weird.
GARY: Youâre weird.
KATE: No Iâm not.
GARY: Kate, you call your manager âsirâ. Not the guy who has literally the exact same job as you. It's not funny at all it's just confusing.
KATE: I didnât say it was supposed to be funny to you.
GARY: So youâre just making fun of me, then?
KATE: Whatever, get back to work.
GARY: You hesitated.
KATE: No I didnât.
GARY: You actually hesitated to make fun of me. I for one cannot believe our friendship has come this far.
KATE: Cryptic writing like that is planned from the start to tie together, just waiting to be solved by a handsome british man.
KATE: Youâre just inventing connections where there are none, until there are so many connections that disproving one can never change the theory as a whole. The trail of dog prints could have been made by literally any of the wild dogs in the city, of which there are many. I would know. I feed them on the weekends.
GARY: The worldâs greatest detective said that when you eliminate all the logical pathways, whatever remains must be the conclusion.
KATE: Who, Sherlock Holmes?
GARY: No, Batman.
KATE: Neither of those people were real.
KATE: That would only work if you actually did some detective work to eliminate the other possibilities, but you just immediately jumped to the dogprints while I was looking at carpet fibers for evidence because âTracking is so much cooler than fibers, Kate.â
GARY: It is, and,
GARY: Just trust me. I know it in my heart Iâm the kind of guy who can follow his instinct wherever it takes him find the truth. You know, just like the main characters in spy movies.
KATE: Whatever. You do that. I'll just go over these papers some more and ACTUALLY GET SOME WORK DONE.
GARY: You and I both know you aren't actually reviewing notes, youâre just doodling in the margins of the paper.
KATE: No Iâm not.
GARY: Show me the paper then.
KATE: Ok, Iâm doodling on the paper.
GARY: Yes, Kate?
KATE: You do realize weâre following the trail of some mangy mutt instead of actually making any progress.
KATE: There is literally no way that some stray dog is involved with Alexâs murder.
GARY: What makes you say that?
KATE: Dogs donât kill people.
KATE: People kill people, because people are terrible.
GARY: Kate, people are great, youâre just being a Negative Nancy and refusing to look at the facts like always.
KATE: Youâre the one being a Positive Polly, being all overly optimistic about things that are impossible.
KATE: Watch your fucking language.
GARY: But, look at how inconsistent the gait of the footprints are. The work of an alien dog for sure.
KATE: This has absolutely nothing to do with Alex's case.
GARY: Try to think a little less linear Kate, because what you fail to comprehend is from a nonlinear, non biased perspective all of the events in this series have been connected from the beginning.
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
JOHN: if youâre going to be a dick to vriska for no reason, you're gonna have to find a different place to live.
KARKAT: HEY, I WASNâT SAYING ANYTHING THAT WASNâT TRUE. I WAS JUST STATING THE OBVIOUS, I DONâT KNOW WHY SHE GOT ALL PISSY ALL OF THIS SUDDEN.
JOHN: karkat, you canât just go around harassing people about all their problems to make yourself feel better.
KARKAT: THAT WAS NOT I WAS DOING AT ALL. I WAS JUST. THAT'S HOW WE USED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER.
KARKAT: IS SHE SERIOUSLY THAT INSECURE ABOUT HER OLD SELF.
JOHN: so donât ever bring it up again.
KARKAT: OK, JEGUS. IâM SORRY.
JOHN: youâd better tell her that.
KARKAT: NO WAY I-
KARKAT: OK FINE. YOU WIN EGBERT. AS EXCRUCIATING AS IT SOUNDS, I WILL APOLOGIZE TO YOUR WEIRD INTERSPECIES GIRLFRIEND.
JOHN: aw come on vriska
JOHN: karkat was just being a douche
JOHN: none of that was true!
VRISKA: John, Iâm fine.
VRISKA: Donât worry a8out me.
VRISKA: Hell if know.
VRISKA: Am I SERIOUSLY going to have to get this lecture AGAIN?
VRISKA: F8CKING HELL!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: OH, SO IâM NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING THIS?
JOHN: karkat, leave her alone!
KARKAT: EVERYTHING IâM SAYING IS TRUE!
KARKAT: I DONâT KNOW WHY YOU'RE TURNING A BLIND EYE TO ALL THIS, YOU KNOW IT TOO.
JOHN: even if it was true you donât have to be a huge asshole about it!
KARKAT: WELL YOU GUYS WERE BEING ASSHOLES TO ME.
VRISKA: Yeah okay. So weâre even. Now shut up.
VRISKA: I SAID SHUT THE F8CK UP!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Youâve already ruined a perfectly nice evening.
VRISKA: And I donât wanna hear any more of your yelling. Itâs giving me a headache.
VRISKA: So what?
VRISKA: Why do you care so much?
KARKAT: IâM JUST HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE BELIEVING YOU WENT THROUGH SOME SORT OF LIFE CHANGING REALIZATION SO QUICKLY.
KARKAT: YOUâRE A TROLL. YOU WERE RAISED ON A FUCKING PLANET THAT GLORIFIED RUTHLESSNESS AND MAYHEM.
KARKAT: AND YOU SPENT 6 SWEEPS OF YOUR... LETS SEE... WHAT ARE YOU LIKE 8 SWEEPS OLD NOW?
KARKAT: YOU SPENT 6 OF YOUR 8 SWEEPS OF LIFE STUCK ON ALTERNIA ABSORBING ITS VENOMOUS CULTURE.
KARKAT: AM I REALLY SUPPOSED TO ASSUME YOUâVE JUST SUDDENLY TURNED INTO SOMEONE WHO ISNâT AN ABHORRENT BACK STABBER?
VRISKA: Karkat. No8ody is asking you to assume anything.
KARKAT: WELL, FOR MY OWN SAFETY, IâM JUST GOING TO ASSUME THAT YOU HAVENâT CHANGED AT ALL.
KARKAT: YOU JUST WAIT SERKET, YOU'RE GOING TO SLIP UP AT SOME POINT AND REVERT BACK TO YOUR VILE TREACHEROUS SELF.
KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SURROUNDING YOURSELF BY PATHETIC HUMANS DOESNâT MEAN THEIR LACK OF BLOODLUST IS GOING TO RUB OFF ON YOU.
KARKAT: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, YOU USED TO ALWAYS BE MISS âI WEAVE A TANGLED WEB OF FLAMING IRONS AND MIXED METAPHORS WITH ALL THE SCHEMING IâM CONSTANTLY UP TO, AND IâM EIGHT STEPS AHEAD AND ALWAYS HAVE TO GET THE LAST WORD IN ON THINGS. GOSH IâM SO CLEVER AND AMBITIOUS.â
KARKAT: NOW YOUâRE JUST SITTING THERE, FEEDING DUCKS. AND THEYâRE NOT EVEN MUTANT DUCKS YOU COULD HARVEST INTO SOME KIND OF DUCK ARMY. YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU'VE CHANGED THAT MUCH?
VRISKA: Karkat, have you ever wondered if it would be nice to just take a 8r8k from all the anxiety you put yourself through?
VRISKA: Because Iâm starting to learn that sometimes its okay just to just sit 8ack and not worry a8out any of that.
VRISKA: I heard that!
KARKAT: IT IS STARTED TO GET EXHAUSTING.
KARKAT: LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
JOHN: to defeat, the huns!
VRISKA: Did they send me daughters?
VRISKA: When I asked, for sons!
KARKAT: WILL YOU TWO STOP REFERENCING THINGS I DONâT GET.
KARKAT: MY FELLOW SHITHEADS,
KARKAT: WHAT IS THE PLAN HERE?
JOHN: the plan?
KARKAT: YES. THE PLAN.
KARKAT: SURELY THIS POINTLESS ESCAPADE TO YOUR LOCAL POND TO FEED WATER FOWL IS JUST A DETOUR FROM SOMETHING FAR MORE COMPLICATED.
KARKAT: I AM UNDER NO IMPRESSION THAT YOU TWO COULD GO FOR AT LEAST A FEW DAYS WITHOUT GETTING INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF CONVOLUTED SHENANIGANS.
KARKAT: GOT ANY PUZZLES TO SOLVE, BAD GUYS TO THWART, MAYHEM TO CAUSE?
JOHN: uh, nope! none of that is going on.
JOHN: at least not recently.
KARKAT: OH SO THERE HAS BEEN SHENANIGANS?
JOHN: yeah. there has been a few shenanigans.
VRISKA: Remem8er when we got to fight that dum8ass ninja guy?
JOHN: yeah. that was kind of cool.
JOHN: except for the part where those people died...
JOHN: that was less cool.
VRISKA: Also I got kidnapped 8reifly.
JOHN: oh right.
JOHN: so besides all that, nothing has really happened.
KARKAT: I WOULD HAVE AT LEAST EXPECTED VRISKA TO BE PLANNING SOME SORT OF DIABOLICAL SCHEME.
KARKAT: YES, THANK YOU JOHN.
KARKAT: FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT.
VRISKA: Poor Karkat.
KARKAT: YES. POOR ME.
KARKAT: GOOD JOB VRISKA YOU DEMONSTRATED ACTUAL EMPATHY! YOU SURE ARE INTEGRATING WELL INTO THIS SOCIETY OF WIMPS.
KARKAT: AT LEAST THAT IS HOW THE SITUATION APPEARS TO BE.
VRISKA: Iâm rolling my eyes, Karkat.
KARKAT: YEAH, YOUR HORNS ARE WEIRD VRISKA.
KARKAT: LIKE, WHAT THE HELL EVEN HAPPENED. HOW IS A HORN STRUCTURE LIKE THAT EVEN GENETICALLY PLAUSIBLE.
KARKAT: THEY WOULD BE MEDICALLY FASCINATING IF THAT WERE A SUBJECT I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT.
VRISKA: Karkat, with nu88y horns like yours I donât think you have the right to make fun of mine.
KARKAT: FUCKING HELL. WHY DO YOU TWO HAVE TO TAKE EVERY LITTLE THING I SAY AND TURN IT INTO AMMUNITION AGAINST ME?
VRISKA: You have free reign to throw insults at us too, Karkat. Itâs a level playing field.
KARKAT: NO IT ISNT, THERE ARE TWO OF YOU, AND ONE OF ME. AND YOU TWO HAVE CLEARLY SIGNED A SUPER SECRET GROSS HUMAN/TROLL PACT THAT SAYS I AM THE ENEMY AND YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO DEMEAN ME.
VRISKA: Yes, that is exactly what is going on.
JOHN: oh come on, karkat, donât be such a crybaby. the sun here wonât hurt you.
KARKAT: VRISKA, WHAT DID HE CALL ME?
VRISKA: He just called you a crying wriggler.
VRISKA: Heâs right 8y the way.
KARKAT: HOW DO I EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLE A WRIGGLER MAKING SURVIVAL SOUNDS TO SIGNAL ITS LUSUS FOR HELP?
JOHN: probably the part where you said you hated everything and wanted to go home
JOHN: that's like the dropping your ball and going home of playground logic
KARKAT: WELL FUCK YOU BOTH.
KARKAT: AND JOHN, YOU'RE A MORON FOR THINKING YOU CAN UNLEASH TROLLS ON THESE POOR DEFENSELESS HUMANS.
KARKAT: IF WHAT I KNOW ABOUT HUMANS IS CORRECT, YOU GUYS WILL BE GO ALL âAREA 51â ON OUR ASSES DUE TO YOUR EXTREME IRRATIONAL FEAR OF ANYTHING DIFFERENT.
KARKAT: AND YOUâVE GONE AND DRAGGED VRISKA AROUND THE PLACE LIKE PEOPLE WILL THINK SHES JUST SOME SIDESHOW CIRCUS FREAK.
JOHN: well doesnât that make you a hypocrite for coming out here in public with us?
KARKAT: NO, I ONLY CAME WITH YOU GUYS BECAUSE YOU BOTH ALREADY BLEW IT. THE HUMAN RACE PROBABLY HAS PICTURES OF TROLLS PLASTERED ALL OVER THE NEAREST TELEPHONE POLE WARNING OF OUR BLOODTHIRSTY PLOT TO CONQUER ALL OF HUMANITY.
KARKAT: ARE YOU TWO TRYING TO KILL ME.
KARKAT: AND VRISKA YOUâVE CLEARLY TURNED INTO A RAINBOW DRINKER, NO USE DENYING IT ANYMORE. THERE IS LITERALLY NO WAY YOU CAN BE OUT HERE AND NOT BE SCREECHING LIKE A BAT CAUGHT IN A FLOODLIGHT.
KARKAT: ITâS SO BRIGHT OUT.
Before you return to your hive, however, you decided that maybe it wouldn't hurt anything if you snuck downstairs to the basement where Tavros's corpse was being held for evidence and maybe possibly have a little snack. What, there is nothing wrong with that! Rainbow drinkers need to eat too, you know. You mean, sure he was your friend and now he is dead and you are very saddened by that. But you know deep down that Tavros would have been glad to offer you some of his delicious chocolaty brown blood if somehow he no longer required it.
You are now Kanaya.
You have recently been summoned to Meenah, er, "Kankri's" castle in order to help out with the new system. Little did you know that what Kankri meant by "help out", was that you would be assigned a job. You were given the task of fulfilling the role of "Supreme Pen Color Chooser." Your job, if it is not already self explanatory enough, is to decide what color pen is to be used for which kind of document and then monitor their usage. As mundane as that sounds, and as much as you protested, it is not very often that you get to utilize your eye for color, and secretly you appreciated the fact that it has become at least somewhat useful.
However, you will soon have to resign from your important duty here at the castle and return home to your awaiting Mother Grub, who has continued to grow into a monstrosity, you might add.
TEREZI: CRONUS 1M GO1NG TO PUNCH YOU
KANKRI: What kind 9f weird message?
CRONUS: no idea! accepting the messages isnt my job. i just watch the little red blinker that says wvether or not youvwe got a message.
TEREZI: 1S TH4T SER1OUSLY THE 3XT3NT OF YOUR US3FULLN3SS
KANKRI: Terezi! D9nât attempt to 6elittle Cronusâs title 9f M9niter 9f C9mmunicti9ns! Every9nes p9ssiti9n in s9ciety is vital t9 its survival! Imagine, if y9u will, a thh9usand tiny little c9gs turning t9gether t9 create a w9rking mechanism. If 9ne 9f th9se c9gs were t9 fail, the wh9le system w9uld 6e 6r9ken. Theref9re, every last 9ne 9f them is just as imp9rtant as the last. Y9u must learn t9 understand that, Terezi.
KANKRI: H9wever, I must n9w atttend t9 the message that Cr9nus has inf9rmed me 9f.
CRONUS: vwe just got some sort of vweird message on the radar
CRONUS: i think you might wanna take a l99k at
TEREZI: L3G4LLY SH3 1S M1SS1NG. YOU C4NT JUST ST4RT TRY1NG TO CH4NG3 3V3RYTH1NG Y3T! WH4T 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO DO 1F SH3 COM3S B4CK?
KANKRI: Y9ur questi9n t9 me is s9 simple t9 answer, that 9nce I have answered it and clarified it t9 y9u y9u will feel like such the silly g9at, 6ut I will d9 s9 regardless as an 9live 6ranch 9f peace 9ffering 6etween the tw9 9f us, 6ecause this s9ciety w9uld 6e s9 much m9re pr9ductive as a wh9le if y9u ceased y9ur endless h9stile accusati9ns 9f my system 9f 9rganizati9n f9r the 6etterment 9f all. If Meenah c9mes 6ack, then we will h9ld an9ther electi9n f9r the entirety 9f the planet t9 decide, that may take weeks 9r even years t9 gather s9 even if she did c9me 6ack f9r the meanwhile we w9uld have t9 stick with the new system.
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 OUT OF YOUR M1ND I1F YOU TH1NK YOU C4N FORCE 4LL TH1S BULLSH1T ONTO US
TEREZI: M33N4H 1S TH3 L34D3R H3R3
TEREZI: K4NKR1 YOU T3LL THOS3 TROLLS TO PUT H3R OBNOX1OUS GOLD ST4TU3 B4CK WH3R3 1T W4S TH1S 1NST4NT
KANKRI: As much as I w9uld like t9 meet y9ur m9st unreas9na6le and wrigglerish demands halfway, I am n9t capa6le at this time 9f 9rdering them t9 m9ve the statue 6ack.
TEREZI: UH. Y34H YOU C4N.
TEREZI: JUST T3LL TH3M TO MOV3 `T BACK. 1S TH4T SO H4RD?
TEREZI: H3Y. 1âLL DO 1T FOR YOU
TEREZI: YOU TWO! BR1NG TH4T ST4TU3 B4CK H3R3 R1GHT NOW
KANKRI: N9 d9nât listen to her!
KANKRI: (whatever y9ur names are)
KANKRI: Terezi, we cann9t just simply make th9se tw9 switch tasks. They were assigned 9ne task 6ased 9n their 9wn pers9nal skills, and that task was t9 rem9ve statues. Getting them paperw9rk t9 6e a6le t9 replace the statue w9uld take days. While it is true y9u 9r I c9uld just as easily m9ve this statue, we will n9t receive any s9rt 9f 699n fr9m taking the j96 fr9m an9ther, and we w9uld 6e taking away a j9b fr9m s9me9ne else wh9 needs it. 6ut perhaps y9u will understand this if y9u are f9rmally intr9duced t9 the system. Which y9u w9uld have 6een, had y9u read the planet wide mem9 I had pu6lished f9r such an 9ccasi9n. N9 matter t9hugh, I can l99k up y9ur task right n9w.
KANKRI: 9h yes. Here we g9. Y9ur j96 is to serve as a servant 9f the p9stal enterprises.
KANKRI: Y9u will 6e the mail lady.
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S M41L
KANKRI: Y9u will 6e much like a 9ne w9man p9ny express, wh9 delivers any inc9ming messages, much like a wandering parcel mistress. All you have to d9 is wait 9utside, and if any9ne 6rings y9u a message, deliver it t9 wh9mever they request.
TEREZI: WH4T M3SSAG3S?
TEREZI: W3 4LL JUST T3XT 34CH OTH3R
TEREZI: âM41Lâ WOULD B3 JUST 4S US3L3SS 4S PO3TRY
KANKRI: Terezi, the mail is incredi6ly imp9rtant!
TEREZI: N31TH3R OF THOS3 TH1NGS SOUND US3FUL
TEREZI: KANKRI THERE IS LITERALLY NO POINT FOR ME TO STAND AROUND WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
KANRKI: Y9u can never 6e t99 prepared. What were t9 happen if an imp9rtant message were t9 6e delivered t9 9ne 9f the mem6ers 9f the s9ciety we c9uld n9 functi9n with9ut, say, Nepeta, and it was 9f the a6s9lute vitality and necessity t9 9ur s9ciety. If n969dy was there t9 intercept it, that message c9uld 6e l9st and it w9uld 6e a disaster. Y9u w9uld 6e surprised, wars can start 9ver the mishandling 9f inf9rmati9n.
TEREZI: OK4Y BUT 1âM TH3 S3LF D3CL4R3D L3G1SL4C3R4TOR
TEREZI: 1F 1M BUSY W41T1NG FOR NON3XISTANT US3L3SS BOR1NG M41L THEN WHO IS GOING TO 3NFORC3 TH3 L4WS
KANKRI: 9h thatâs simple, there are n9 l9nger any laws.
KANKRI: Since my system is perfect n969dy will ever have t9 6e pushed t9 6reak laws 9r d9 evil again, 6ecause all 9ppressi9n which leads t9 such triggering things has 6een r9uted 9ut 9f s9ciety.
TEREZI: NO L4WS
TEREZI: KANKRI YOU HAVE CROSSED A L1NE 1NTO B31NG D3LUS1ON4L
TEREZI: YOU C4NT JUST 3XP3CT TROLLS TO B3 1NH3R3NTLY GOOD
TEREZI: 1 SW34R 1F YOU DONT-
KANKRI: If y9u have any further c9mplaints than please direct them t9 the c9mplaints desk, and remem6er t9 f9ll9w the pr9per pr9cedure f9r c9mplaining, that all c9mplaints sh9uld 6e written in 6lue pen as dictated 6y the supreme pen c9l9r ch99ser, Ms. Maryam.
TEREZI: WH4T 1F 1 WR1TE 1N R3D P3N
KANKRI: Then y9u risk the c9llapse 9f the entire system.
TEREZI: TH3N R3D 1T 1S
KANKRI: I d9 h9pe y9u are j9king.
TEREZI: OH MY GOD
TEREZI: D1D 3V3RYON3 JUST COLL3CT1VLY D3C1DE TO PUT YOU 1N CH4RG3? B3C4US3 1F SO, 3V3RYON3 1S FUCK1NG CR4ZY!
KANKRI: Y9u d9 n9t seem t9 6e paying much heed t9 the 6runt 9f 9ur m9n9-c9nversati9n, 6ut n9 matter. Y9ur misinterpretati9ns make f9r an intereseting m9n9-dial9gue 6etween the tw9 9f us which will curtail s9me 9f y9ur later p9ints when I clarify my p9siti9n 9n the matter which I shall d9 p9sthaste. I am n9t in charge. N969dy is in charge Meenah, f9r in a s9ciety where 9ne is in charge 9ver an9ther there will inevita6ly 6e 9ne superi9er and 9ne inferi9r. I am simply a great 9rganizer, 6ut in spirit I am equal t9 every9ne else, the special equality privilege which we all sh9uld share and check.
TEREZI: YOU S3LF 1MPORT4NT J4CK4SS
TEREZI: G3T OUT OF M33N4HS THRON3
TERLOCK: Your father will be starting the broadcast soon.
TERLOCK: Are you coming or not?
HADES: Oh. Right. I will be there shortly.
TERLOCK: Oh you poor thing. Where would you be if you didn't have me to remind you of everything all the time?
HADES: You know.
HADES: The thing we caused.
HADES: I can barely remember what happened anymore. It just all went by so fast.
HADES: Do you remember, Sylja?
HADES: It just occured to me that I will probably never get to see Cyronilia ever again.
HADES: You and the others can go back at any time to say goodbye.
HADES: But. Father will cut off my remaining limbs if I step foot there again.
HADES: I donât want to be just a torso, I would have to regain my honor using only my teeth.
HADES: Or get a bunch of robotic limbs. But being revived as a cyborg sounds painful and unnatural.
SYLJA: > >â
HADES: Not that I blame you for any of my troubles!
HADES: Sorry, I shouldnât be complaining about my banishment related woes to you.
HADES: Seeing as you really canât complain either.
HADES: Donât you think its weird that she isnât bothered by being captured?
SYLJA: > >â
HADES: It is very disturbing, to be honest. In normal circumstances when a living organism is caught in the web of an adversary, they would become distraught and anxious. She has no reason to have any hope yet she is content with her current situation.
HADES: Do you think that is some sort of coping mechanism humans have developed?
HADES: When there is no chance of fighting or fleeing, I suppose it would be advantageous to calm down and avoid wasting excess energy on stress.
HADES: Or perhaps they are such a weak species they are used to their own capture and treat it as a casual affair.
HADES: Sorry, I was kind of rambling.
HADES: None of that really matters.
HADES: I know you can never talk back besides making faces, but I still donât want to talk over you. That would be a very Cristyle thing to to do.
HADES: Do you think I am being too nice to the prisoner?
HADES: Terlock thinks I am.
HADES: He thinks I need to assert myself as a threat. Be the alpha. But this is hardly a pack of adorable zerglings.
HADES: He thinks I need to the prisoner to be scared of me. He even recommended torture.
HADES: But really whats the point of torture in this situation?
HADES: We already know pretty much everything we need to know about them. They are weak and inferior, and as the stronger ones, our victory is inherent.
HADES: Plus I already wasted days information gathering, and teleporting around following the lives of aliens is way less entertaining than it sounds. They donât even have any daily ninja ambushes.
HADES: It would just be a waste of time and energy.
HADES: And so what I bring her food every now and again?
HADES: It's not because Iâm being nice.
HADES: If she was starving she would be more inclined to find a way to escape!
HADES: Not that there is a way.
HADES: Thank you, Sylja.
HADES: Donât get me wrong,
HADES: I do appreciate how kind and supportive you have been to me.
HADES: But you donât have to keep being so nice to me.
HADES: It wasnât your fault, sister.
HADES: I know you probably still feel like you need to make it up to me.
HADES: But you have have already done so much.
HADES: Even going so far as to come here with me.
HADES: I think we should just âleave the past behind usâ, as the humans say when they wish to forget an unfortunate event.
HADES: I will be fine. I promise.
ROSE: How is my alien captor today?
TT: I am going to be ok.
TT: I promise.
GG: if you say so. :â(
TT: And I am terribly sorry for causing you unrest. I hope you can forgive me.
GG: no worries! you just focus on keeping yourself safe.
GG: but if you ever need my help, give me a shout and i will be there in a flash!
TT: I wouldnât expect any less.
GG: you go and save the world, ok?
TT: Thank you.
TT: For once, just trust me.
TT: I know what I am doing.
TT: There is an enormous amount of valuable information at my disposal here.
TT: Information that could save all of us if the Shinobi actually have a legitimate plan here.
TT: And I could be the one to decode it.
TT: I could save everyone from a potential danger.
GG: rose, now youâre sounding extra heroic!
GG: actually, a little too heroic if you ask me.
GG: not that i dont trust how much of a hero you are just, in the past weve all been knocked down on our butts for seriously overestimating how clever we are
TT: Jade, please.
TT: I canât stand being in the dark about the dangers that lurk beyond the sight of the rest of the world. This voice is so unbelievably frustrating to me in the worst of ways, you donât know what itâs like to see everything one moment and be blinded the next, I am never going back to that again.
GG: so what!
GG: there are some things that are worse than death. :(
GG: or maybe you are wrong about your immortality.
GG: maybe they can kill you! D:
GG: maybe the fact that you are spying on them makes you a hero!!!
TT: But they havenât figured that out yet. Theyâre a bit dim like that.
GG: then you should let me take you home!!
GG: if there is even the slightest chance that you are in danger, i canât in good conscience let you stay there in the middle of an evil alien base!
GG: what about you?
GG: are you ok?
TT: I thought the fact that we are talking right now would verify that, but apparently my word is not enough.
TT: I am still chained to this spot, however.
TT: Unless I somehow summon within me once again the dark magics to hulk out spiritual wise and break free I am stuck here.
TT: So not much has changed in those regards.
TT: Luckily for me the Shinobi have standards regarding war prisoners, so I am being fed.
GG: are they feeding you weird alien food?
GG: like, space chickens or something?
TT: No space chickens.
TT: But yes, it is alien food.
TT: Quite good actually.
TT: From what I can tell it is vegetarian.
TT: They have a biodome here were they grow it.
GG: wow, they have quite the set up, for a lunar base.
GG: iâm starting to wonder why nobody here has noticed it.
GG: still nothing on the news by the way.
GG: about the aliens.
TT: That figures.
GG: iâm keeping my eye out for it though, like you asked.
TT: I would idle to think those friendly agents in the black sunglasses actually do their job and spread the news around.
GG: so the aliens arenât hurting you? no shenanigans or anything?
TT: I would think the one in charge of shenanigans would be me.
GG: that means your ok, right?
GG: you there?
GG: come on rose, you promised you would keep in touch!
GG: you canât just keep vanishing, i keep getting worried that something happened to you!
TT: I am present and accounted for.
GG: there you are!
GG: hows everything going?
TT: Well, I havenât actually gained much information in terms of any concrete plans.
TT: I seem to have underestimated them severely, they are not type of republic serial villains who will intricately detail for you aloud every detail of their plan before it is sent into action.
TT: However, I have learned their names, as well as several details about their society.
TT: Hades is the son of the emperor of their planet.
GG: who was that again?
TT: The one we got into a fight with, the one who commanded the black magics in equal skill to your scientific magics.
GG: scientific magics isnât a thing silly!
GG: and right. that guy. :(
GG: the one with the pink hair
TT: Actually I place it as a light red.
TT: However he is much more resemblant of a banished prince, as he was set on exile for reasons I have yet to determine. He is hoping to regain his status by aiding in the conquest of earth.
GG: well i would assume he hasnât been very successful? i mean, i dont see any alien spaceships attacking large cities and abducting people.
TT: That is correct.
TT: He has a sister who has been interfering.
TT: I donât know much about her yet.
TT: However, I am subject to frequent complaints about her.
TT: She seems determined to dig her claws into everything in order to assure her own importance.
TT: Sound familiar?
GG: are you complaining about vriska again.
TT: No, it was just a passive aggressive aside aimed at her. Although I keep forgetting that you have never had much interaction with her.
DAVE: take care vris
DAVE: now just pretend like you never saw me
VRISKA: Yeah. Whatever.
DAVE: ah shit
DAVE: why does that keep happening
DAVE: i gotta go
DAVE: ive been here too long and ive said too much
DAVE: if i were you i wouldn't touch all that glowy cracky business over there
VRISKA: Gr8. More mysterious shit.
DAVE: i know right
DAVE: im going all dickens on you wavin my big fat literary self in your face
DAVE: when you get the message from the demon ninja aliens dont freak out
DAVE: do the opposite of what you normally do
DAVE: sit that fine ass down and count to eight or something
DAVE: take up meditation and take calm relaxing breaths
DAVE: contemplate how many angels can dance on the head of a pin
VRISKA: Thatâs horrifying.
DAVE: whats horrifying about fluffy little cupid angels pinching each others rosy ass cheeks
VRISKA: Everything. Every single thing you just said in that sentence.
DAVE: ok forget i said that
DAVE: back to the point
DAVE: when the thing happens
DAVE: and by that i mean the thing you will find out about very soon
DAVE: just think what would vriska do
DAVE: then do the exact opposite of that
DAVE: when you hear the news
DAVE: stay calm
DAVE: dont go flipping any tables
DAVE: and just remember that they are lying to everyone
DAVE: and that lie is gonna cause you a hell of a lot of problems
DAVE: and you just do your best not getting yourself in trouble
DAVE: did you catch all spidergirl
VRISKA: Donât ever call me that again.
DAVE: no promises
VRISKA: Is that all you're going to tell me?
DAVE: for now
VRISKA: Now I have one more question.
DAVE: im trying to keep my heroic schemes on the downlow
DAVE: i didnt actually mean for you to come out here
DAVE: youre supposed to be inside with karkat and john doing whatever the hell you were doing
VRISKA: Then why were you lurking out here you dipshit?
DAVE: you know what
DAVE: its lonely here in the past
DAVE: the present for you
DAVE: maybe i was secretly hoping someone would come out and say hi
DAVE: even though it was most likely going to be you
DAVE: id still rather deal with your icy daggers of cynicism and vemon than continue mumbling to myself for eternity
DAVE: ah no wait dont make that face
DAVE: hush little spider baby dont you cry
DAVE: theres a knot in time and im gonna tell you why
DAVE: uh well you see
DAVE: okay im not the best at explaining shit or being direct to the point but in my defense i blame karkat
DAVE: all those rad stunts we pulled together on the meteor
DAVE: the time we trained in the hyper gravity chamber
DAVE: changes a man you know i can never see the world the same way again
VRISKA: Get to the point, Strider.
VRISKA: If my 8rand new home is gonna get wrecked or some shit.
VRISKA: I wanna know about it.
VRISKA: 8ecause Iâm sure as hell not gonna let all this end of the world shit happen again.
DAVE: im on a mission here
DAVE: and it is a pretty simple one with several back up plans
DAVE: and not going to tell you what they are in case that somehow jacks things up
DAVE: hopefully i will be able to go about my business without fucking shit up too much
VRISKA: Why? What is going on? What happens in the future?
DAVE: well shit was done wrong
DAVE: i mean shit will be done wrong
DAVE: i mean we best leave the doing of this shit to the experts who actually take some time to plan before kicking down the doors and leeroy jenkinsing the place up
DAVE: its like karate
DAVE: well no its like actual karate and not the karate ive learned about in the movies
DAVE: where if you just swing your hammy fists at a master all he is going to hand you is a packaged and cooled can of asswhoop
VRISKA: Dave shut up!
DAVE: but like we assume that if we know a few things and watched that movie one time we can just run around karate chopping and lethal fucking crane kicking everything
DAVE: when really the powers just gone and went abused so
VRISKA: What happens in the future?
DAVE: really its what they SAY about karate that those who master it should choose not to use it
DAVE: except im using it right now in this one circumstance
DAVE: karate that is
DAVE: oh sorry
DAVE: got a little sidetracked there
DAVE: to the point
DAVE: yeah um
DAVE: the future has some issues
DAVE: and i have located several key points in this timeline where shit went wrong
DAVE: and i am here to patch them up
DAVE: so no need to worry your fretful mind vriska
DAVE: oh you should definitely care
DAVE: or at least
DAVE: if something goes wrong you will have to care
DAVE: which it wont because this scarf basically makes me the expert of all things fixing time streams
DAVE: sewing them up at the threads with some stitches and healing their whacked out gross pus filled injuries
VRISKA: Oh no.
VRISKA: Oh fuck no.
DAVE: oh yes
VRISKA: Please tell me you're not here from the future to warn us about some impending doom.
VRISKA: Oh fucking hell.
VRISKA: Dave, I thought you were done with all this time travel shit!
DAVE: i was but
DAVE: actually this wasnt my idea
DAVE: it was someone elses plan
VRISKA: What? Who else is here?
DAVE: i was the only one who made it
VRISKA: Right, I guess you are the only time player here...
DAVE: lets go with that
DAVE: i think ill stay for a while
DAVE: i should have known you would come out here to try and catch me
DAVE: you and your psychic alien powers
DAVE: too bad im too busy looking cool to laugh at your complete and utter confusion
VRISKA: You look like shit. What happened to you?
DAVE: no need to worry vriska underneath this rough exterior im as handsome and smooth as ever
VRISKA: W8 a second.
DAVE: i wish i could but times not really on my side right now
VRISKA: Shut up.
VRISKA: I just remem8ered how much I detest your stupid smug attitude.
DAVE: what stupid smug attitude my personality is incredibly lovable and charming
VRISKA: Donât 8ullshit me, I have literally not once 8een in your presence for more than 8 seconds without you making some smartass remark in an attempt to drive John and I apart with your shitty wit.
VRISKA: Now tell me, what is your aim here? Why are you dressing up like some kind of ho8o?
VRISKA: Is your ridiculous outfit an attempt to lure me into a false sense of security when I fall over laughing?
VRISKA: 8ut thereâs no way youâre smart enough to come up with that plan all on your own, who are you in cahoots with, Strider?
DAVE: yeah typical serket shit right there
DAVE: rampant paranoia all up in this place like were in the cold war
DAVE: west vs east side raps
DAVE: i thought that was the most annoying thing about you, until you know
DAVE: It actually saved my ass a few times
VRISKA: What the fuck are you talking a8out.
VRISKA: Iâve never talked to you until a few months ago!
VRISKA: And nothing I have ever done in the past has 8een for your well 8eing.
VRISKA: Remem8er when I put you to sleep in front of a huge horde of monsters? I would do it again if it meant never hearing you mutter to yourself a8out rap again.
DAVE: gosh your murderous threats are just so endearing
VRISKA: Oh my god, what is with you?
VRISKA: Stop acting so charming, its gross.
DAVE: yeah your probably right
DAVE: this is no time for the usual repartee
DAVE: not enough time
DAVE: cant stay in one place too long
DAVE: thats my name dont wear it out
VRISKA: What the hell are you doing lurking around the house like some kind of deranged creeper?
DAVE: if you could give me a moment to explain in rap form
VRISKA: Get out of here!!!!!!!!!
DAVE: holy shit vriska you see that shit you just flipped
DAVE: turn it over and let it simmer a little while
DAVE: until the heat has left you and youve calmed the fuck down
JOHN: oh right, alien powers. i remember.
KARKAT: WHAT? VRISKA CAN YOU, LIKE, SENSE WHERE PEOPLE ARE AND SHIT?
KARKAT: SINCE WHEN?
VRISKA: Since forever, stupid!
JOHN: (isnât she awesome?)
KARKAT: (SHUT UP JOHN!)
VRISKA: Iâm going to go find out who it is.
VRISKA: Maybe teach them a lesson about lurking suspiciously outside peopleâs houses.
JOHN: if itâs my dad, donât scare him or anything!
JOHN: heâs already freaking out enough as it is.
VRISKA: John trust me I couldnât scare your dad if I tried. He somehow knows how to cut a girl off in a second with one of those disappointment glares of his.
JOHN: yeah those are the worst.
KARKAT: I AM TRYING TO RECOUNT TO YOU MY TRAGIC TALE, LIKE YOU REQUESTED, AND NOW YOU ARENâT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION.
VRISKA: Someone is outside.
VRISKA: They are looking for us.
KARKAT: I WOULD HAVE DIED TOO.
KARKAT: EXCEPT EQUIUSâS BOW SKILLS WERE RELIABLY SHITTY. I MEAN THANK GOD FOR THAT GUY, I WOULD HIGH FIVE HIM IF HE WASNâT LIABLE TO BREAK EVERY BONE IN MY ARM.
KARKAT: THEN SOLLUX KIDNAPPED ME, THREW ME OVER HIS SHOULDERS LIKE I WAS A SACK OF FRAGILE BABY BARKBEASTS, AND THEN USED HIS FLASHY EPILEPSY RIDDEN PSYCHIC POWERS TO FLY THROUGH THE SKY, A JOURNEY WHICH I HANDLED CALMLY AND RATIONALLY.
KARKAT: AND THEN HE TOSSED ME IN THE TELEPORTER MACHINE FOR FUNSIES BECAUSE
KARKAT: YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT SOLLUX. I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THE IDEA OF BEING FLUNG ACROSS SPACE TO A PLANET I KNOW LITTLE TO NOTHING ABOUT AND A SPECIES I WOULD RATHER NOT INTERACT WITH. WAY TO GO.
KARKAT: I WOULD HIGH FIVE HIM BUT I DONâT WANT TO GET HIS GROSS LOSER NERD STANK ALL OVER ME.
VRISKA: Karkat? Accused of a crime? HA!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: What were you accused of, not cleaning up after your lusus in a public space?
KARKAT: EXCUSE YOU, IâLL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT JUST BEFORE GETTING ARRESTED I WAS PART OF AN OFFICIALLY ORGANIZED REBELLION TO TAKE THE THRONE.
VRISKA: Re8ellion? With who?
KARKAT: UH WELL, TEREZI, TEREZIâS ASSHOLE ANCESTOR, THAT ONE GUY, CARLOS OR SOMETHING... OH AND NEPETA.
VRISKA: Ooooooooh, Nepeta. Iâll 8et Meenah was shaking in her throne.
KARKAT: OH YEAH SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
KARKAT: THE WHOLE REBELION WAS A JOKE ANYWAY, MEENAH SET IT UP HERSELF BECAUSE SHE WAS BORED.
KARKAT: EXCEPT KANKRI TOOK THE WHOLE THING SERIOUSLY.
KARKAT: HE PUT ME UP BEFORE SOME WEIRD COLLECTION OF MOUTH BREATHING PANSIES CALLED A JURY, AND THEN BASICALLY DECLARED ME A TREASONOUS MURDERER, WHICH IS BULLSHIT BY THE WAY BECAUSE NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS HAPPENED.
VRISKA: Are you going to explain to us why you felt the need to suddenly pop over to earth and get in our way?
KARKAT: OH YOUâRE GETTING ON *MY* CASE FOR SUDDENLY JUMPING PLANETS ALL OF THIS SUDDEN?
KARKAT: CLEARLY WE BOTH HAVE VERY COMPLICATED AND PERSONAL REASONS FOR COMING HERE, AND I WOULD EXPECT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS. YOU SHOULD ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT SOMEONE LIKE ME WOULDNâT WANT TO BE QUESTIONED ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT.
KARKAT: DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, SERKET?
VRISKA: Holy shit, Karkat. You need to calm the fuck down.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I SHOULD BE THE ONE QUESTIONING YOU ABOUT LEAVING US.
VRISKA: What. Did you have a pro8lem with me leaving you guys?
KARKAT: HAHAHA! HELL NO. ALTERNIA WAS A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT YOUR VENOMOUS BACKSTABBING AND DRAMA.
KARKAT: NOBODY MISSED YOU, I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT.
JOHN: thats pretty harsh, karkat.
VRISKA: No. I didnât expect any less from them.
VRISKA: 8ut who cares a8out that stuff anyway, 8ecause that is not what we were talking a8out here. I know what game youâre playing, Vantas. This conversation is just your way of avoiding talking about why youâre being such a pathetic loser right now.
VRISKA: 8esides the fact that you lack the spine to actually face pro8lems head on instead of having a total meltdown.
KARKAT: THATâS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ACCURATE, I DO PLENTY OF THINGS WHEN THE KARMA FROM OUR INCREDIBLY LONG LIST OF FUCK UPS CATCHES UP TO OUR GROUP AND STARTS WREAKING HAVOC. I AM THE LEADER AFTER ALL.
VRISKA: Name one thing youâve done when the shit got rough, 8esides you know, complaining and yelling at every8ody involved for 8eing morons.
KARKAT: WELL I UH.
KARKAT: FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY. JUST LIKE ALWAYS, YOU STUBBORN WRIGGLER. IâLL SATISFY YOUR LITTLE BRAT TANTRUM AND TELL YOU THE MYSTERIOUS TRUTH BEHIND MY SUDDEN ARRIVAL. YOU WIN! I DONâT CARE ENOUGH ANYMORE TO KEEP IT FROM YOU.
VRISKA: JUST GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: YEAH UH, HOPING THAT WOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME SOME MORE TIME BY STARTING AN ARGUMENT. NOW I HAVE TO GIVE EXPOSITION, WHICH IS NOT EXACTLY MY FORTE. LETâS SEE IF I CAN TRANSLATE IT INTO DIPSHIT TERMS SO YOU CAN PROPERLY UNDERSTAND.
KARKAT: SO BASICALLY EVERYBODY ON ALTERNIA WENT CRAZY.
KARKAT: AND NOW IâM HERE. WOOHOO. EXTRA HOO.
JOHN: wow who knew after all this time he would still be shit at explaining things.
VRISKA: What do you mean, John?
JOHN: well i mean back then when we first met he trolled us all backwards, so we were all incredibly confused as to what he was talking about half the time and every time i asked for an explanation he complained about already having to explain it to our future selves
VRISKA: Well, Karkat is an idiot like that.
JOHN: i guess so.
KARKAT: IâM RIGHT FUCKING HERE YOU KNOW.
KARKAT: AND THIS IS REALLY HARD TO EXPLAIN, OKAY? IT ALL HAPPENED AT ONCE.
JOHN: thank you.
JOHN: see, vriska is much more sensible than you, karkat.
VRISKA: John has a fantastic sense of fashion.
VRISKA: Not only did he pick out those charming glasses, he got me this sweet new jacket.
JOHN: aw, youâre welcome vriska! i knew you would love it.
KARKAT: CAN YOU TWO GO AND FLIRT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
KARKAT: YOU'RE MAKING ME WANT TO VOMIT SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.
JOHN: is that some kind of insult?
KARKAT: NO! YOU JUST LOOK, DIFFERENT.
KARKAT: I MEAN HONESTLY YOUR FACE HAS ALWAYS BEEN KIND OF STUPID, THATâS JUST AN ESSENTIAL PART OF YOUR INNER JOHN-NESS, BUT NOW IT LOOKS A MORE HIGH DEFINITION VERSION OF YOUR TEETH GRINDINGLY AFFABLE COMPLEXTION.
JOHN: well, you punched me in the face and broke my glasses.
JOHN: and i had to get new ones.
KARKAT:WELL I FOR ONE FIND THIS CHANGE UNACCEPTABLE.
JOHN: well iâm sorry you feel that way, but you have only yourself to blame for this.
VRISKA: Hey, heâs alive!
JOHN: hey, whatâs up, buddy?
KARKAT: OK, FIRST OF ALL, DONâT EVER CALL ME YOUR âBUDDYâ. THAT TERM IS ONLY RESERVED FOR PAIRS OF CHUMMY CONTRIVED DIPSHITS. YOU MAY CALL ME YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.
JOHN: oh, you havenât changed a bit, karkat.
VRISKA: I want the couch 8ack.
JOHN: what if we, like, turned him over and drew all over his face.
JOHN: we should give him a big silly handlebar mustache and angry eyebrows.
VRISKA: That sounds hilarious! Iâll go get a marker.
JOHN: oh damn it, heâs waking up.
JOHN: karkat, you canât just lay around and be useless forever.
JOHN: i know youâre upset about something, but you canât solve your problems by ignoring them.
JOHN: haven't you ever seen one of those movies about crushing depression and friendship? the moral of those stories is always that you canât run away from your problems by crashing on your friends couches for days on end.
JOHN: hes been like this for a week now.
JOHN: you think maybe we should do something about karkat?
"Act 3: Begin."
"End of Act 2."
NERO: Until you realize that I am not your enemy, you shall remain in solitude for your crimes.
NERO: But I will make sure that our people survive.
NERO: Whether you stand by me or not.
NERO: They only seek to divide and label themselves. Who is superior and inferior. Who earns wealth and who doesnât, who is acknowledged and who is not acknowledged, who is chosen and who is not. It is all a game of winners and losers. Their world is merely a petty childs game.
NERO: They seek not to give to others, thinking only of what they can acquire. It is controlled by people who surely will amount to nothing. Our world may be dying, but theirs is already a world of ice, frozen by their own hearts.
NERO: But luckily our hands hold the torch of ambition.
NERO: It is a sacred flame, and tomorrow we shall use this flame to cleanse the world. A beautiful world where we can live simply by the virtue of our honor.
NERO: What could possibly be blinding you to this glorious truth?
NERO: But you did not choose me, did you?
NERO: You can curse me again and again for choosing this, this fate to live and suffer punishment for you, but itâs not hell.
NERO: Hell is being unchosen.
NERO: And you have banished me to hell.
NERO: Why can you not see that my intention is only to bring peace.
NERO: This is the dawn of a bright new future for our people.
NERO: Once we have claimed our new world.
NERO: You will realise the good I have done.
NERO: And maybe I would be willing to give you another chance at freedom.
NERO: We can rule the new world together.
NERO: I wanted to thank you for everything.
NERO: The first time you called out to me, I was so happy.
NERO: But now there is nothing but murder in your voice.
NERO: Since then, Iâve waited for you, Raven. Iâve waited for your to rid your mind of whatever poison that has caused you to act this way.
NERO: For the first time, I feel like waiting for someone isnât sad. I could wait for you, for eternity.
NERO: Thatâs why Iâm keeping you alive, no matter what happens, I donât want to forget.
NERO: Meeting you was so precious to me, even if Iâm eaten up by this curse, no one can erase that treasure.
NERO: Soon my people shall be free from the doom that approaches.
VRISKA: Look what you did! You 8roke his glasses!
KARKAT: OH BOO FUCKING HOO! HIS VISION WILL BE TEMPORARILY LESS SHARP FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME UNTIL HE GETS NEW ONES.
KARKAT: ITâS NOT LIKE I FRACTURED HIS SKULL.
JOHN: glasses are expensive karkat!
JOHN: aw man my dad is gonna kill me.
VRISKA: Karkat, who invited you to MY planet?
KARKAT: I WOULDNâT HAVE WILLINGLY COME TO THIS WASTE OF A CIVILIZATION IF IT WAS THE LAST HABITABLE SPACE IN THE UNIVERSE. I WOULD SOONER BE CAST INTO OUTER SPACE TO FLOAT ACROSS THE VOID FOR ETERNITY.
KARKAT: YOU CAN THANK SOLLUX AND HIS THOUGHTLESS IDEAS FOR THIS.
VRISKA: Oh god, I donât even want to know what is going on with you guys.
KARKAT: YEAH. YOU REALLY DONâT. TRUST ME.
KARKAT: YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE LEVEL OF MOTHERFUCKING *INSANITY* THAT HAS FOUND ITS WAY INTO OUR ESTABLISHMENT.
VRISKA: Yeah. Now I am REALLY glad I left.
VRISKA: You trolls canât go a few months without getting caught up in some melodramatic 8ullshit that ends up causing a fucking catastrophe.
VRISKA: I had the sense to distance myself from you guys and learn how to not 8e such a freaking psychopath.
KARKAT: I CANâT BELIEVE THAT YOU OF ALL TROLLS WOULD BE CONDESCENDING TO US FOR BEING PSYCHOPATHS.
KARKAT: IF I RECALL, YOU DRAGGED US INTO MORE BULLSHIT THAN YOU CAN EVER LIVE DOWN.
VRISKA: Oh if you think you can just-
JOHN: HEY GUYS!
JOHN: maybe we should stop arguing and help out the guy who may or may not have a concussion.
VRISKA: Oh, you donât need our help if you have the energy for that kind of sass.
JOHN: ahahah yeah i actually canât see worth shit and i donât wanna run into a tree.
JOHN: you guys will be my seeing eye dogs.
JOHN: you think dads going to mind if i bring home another alien, vriska?
VRISKA: I think you're forgetting that I mind if you 8ring home another alien.
VRISKA: Especially since this alien has a hatecrush.
KARKAT: VRISKA THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
KARKAT: WITH A HUMAN?
VRISKA: Itâs a troll thing.
JOHN: ah ok.
VRISKA: Whatever excuse youâre going to make, just spit it out Vantas.
KARKAT: YOUâRE RIGHT.
KARKAT: I DIDNâT PUNCH HIM. IâM INNOCENT!
KARKAT: I STUMBLED UPON THE SCENE AND HE WAS ALREADY KNOCKED OUT.
VRISKA: You moron, I just saw you punch him, what are you trying to pull?
KARKAT: HE WALKED STRAIGHT INTO MY OUTSTRETCHED FIST, OH THAT LOVABLE SCAMP JOHN EGBERT, SURELY IT WAS A COMEDIC MOMENT BETWEEN US THAT WILL FURTHER REFLECT ON THE DEPTH OF OUR GREAT FRIENDSHIP, I SWEAR IT ON DANE COOKâS BEAUTIFUL FACE.
VRISKA: You didnât swear it on one of your romantic comedies, I donât 8elieve you.
JOHN: karkat you totally just punched me in the face. prepare to face the wrath of vriska.
VRISKA: Shut it John, Iâm running this investig8iion.
KARKAT: ANOTHER INVESTIGATION. WHAT KIND OF SHITSACK WAS I IN A PREVIOUS LIFE THAT I HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO A NEW FRESH HELL WITH EVERY WAKING MOMENT. IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING.
VRISKA: O8jection, whatever 8ullshit that happened 8efore you got dragged to this planet is irrelevant. Now explain to me why you got dragged to this planet right now.
KARKAT: EXCUSE YOU, DOUBLE OBJECTION OR WHATEVER, YOU JUST TOLD ME THAT IT DOESNâT MATTER WHAT LED ME TO THIS SHITHOLE OF A SITUATION, AND THEN DEMANDED I EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT HAPPENED THAT LEAD ME TO RIP OFF ALL CLOTHING AND DIVE FACE FIRST INTO SHITCREEK LIKE SOME SORT OF MASSIVE SEA DWELLING HIPPIE TOO.
VRISKA: Nice try Vantas, o8jection times 8, ranting a8out stupid unrel8ted shit wonât get you out of this.
KARKAT: I THINK BOTH OF US ARE COMPLETELY ABUSING OBJECTIONS, IF THIS WERE A COURT OF LAW WE WOULD BOTH BE HANGING FROM THE SAME BULLSHIT THAT STREAMS FROM YOUR MOUTH AND TAKES PHYSICAL FORM AS SNAKES.
VRISKA: The only thing thatâs 8ullshit here is you Vantas.
KARKAT: NO, THAT WOULD BE YOUR PERSONALITY, BUT SERIOUSLY, NICE TRY WITH THE INSULT THERE, I GIVE YOU A 4/10 FOR EFFORT.
VRISKA: 8astard, I deserve an 8 at least!
KARKAT: NOPE, YOU GET A FOUR, SUCK ON IT, SERKET.
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL!!!
KARKAT: YOU DONâT JUST SILENTLY CREEP UP BEHIND SOMEONE WHO IS OBVIOUSLY IN A STATE OF MENTAL DISTRESS AND THEN GRAB THEIR SHOULDER WITHOUT WARNING LIKE SOME FUCKING CREEPER.
JOHN: well you donât just punch people in the face! D:
JOHN: what the hell!
KARKAT: STAY CALM.
KARKAT: and stay quiet.
KARKAT: there is no use alerting predators of your presence.
KARKAT: we can fix this.
KARKAT: so we just have to find a creek or something.
KARKAT: and follow it upstream. because streams lead to civilization.
KARKAT: or was it go downstream. fuck i canât remember.
KARKAT: ok, we're on a trail here.
KARKAT: that is good. we just have to follow it, wherever it leads.
KARKAT: and not get killed by anything.
KARKAT: and we will be fine, as long as i stay calm-
KARKAT: OF COURSE YOU TELEPORT ME INTO THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE.
KARKAT: JUST GREAT.
KARKAT: OH HELL.
KARKAT: WHERE AM I
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW.
KARKAT: I BET THERE IS A SHIT LOAD OF ANGRY EARTH ALIENS GETTING READY TO TEAR MY FACE OFF.
JOHN: well that sure is some supernatural shit.
VRISKA: Uh huh.
VRISKA: Wanna go check it out?
JOHN: why not.
JOHN: i was wondering if-
JOHN: over there.
JOHN: youâre not mad are you?
VRISKA: Itâs cold out here.
VRISKA: I wanna go 8ack to your hive.
VRISKA: Yeah, that.
VRISKA: No I think thats the sound of your 8eing wrong!
VRISKA: And I think you need to stop with all your false accusations.
JOHN: im just teasing you!
JOHN: calm down!
VRISKA: Oh John, you silly 8oy.
JOHN: are you still jealous?
VRISKA: Over her? Wh8t? No.
VRISKA: And I never was, what reason would I h8ve for that.
JOHN: haha. come on, vriska you donât have to be jealous!
VRISKA: Never said I was!
JOHN: you're blushing.
VRISKA: Oh shut up!
JOHN: you're still not off the hook about rose.
JOHN: weâre going to have to find a way to check in on her eventually.
VRISKA: Yes! Fiiiiiiiine! We can do that! 8ut I assure you I am 800% sure she is going to 8e just fine.
JOHN: i believe you!
JOHN: come on vriska, iâm allowed to be worried about my friend.
VRISKA: Ah. Right. Earth weather. That is why itâs so fucking cold.
JOHN: oh, you're cold?
VRISKA: Iâll 8e fine.
JOHN: oh, you say that about everything!
JOHN: at least take this.
JOHN: it looks kind of dumb on me anyway.
VRISKA: Oh. Thanks.
JOHN: what happened to your arm?
VRISKA: Oh. That?
VRISKA: Uh. I got attacked by some creature thing.
VRISKA: Itâs fine, though.
JOHN: yeah! of course! "just a minor flesh wound. nothing that will bother this brave little alien"!
JOHN: as soon as we get home were gonna get some peroxide on that.
JOHN: i donât want you to lose an arm.
VRISKA: Wouldnât 8e the first time.
JOHN: uh huh.
JOHN: iâm also getting you a new jacket, by the way.
JOHN: that gray one is starting to look unbelievably shitty.
VRISKA: Doesnât 8other me.
JOHN: if you're going to live here on earth you're at least going to have to learn how to dress properly and not look like some hobo.
VRISKA: You sure like to forget things, donât you?
JOHN: sometimes that is just easier.
JOHN: you get what i was saying right?
VRISKA: Kind of.
JOHN: what i was trying to say is...
JOHN: to be honest vriska...
JOHN: i was kind of
JOHN: scared of you, for a while.
JOHN: but iâm not anymore.
VRISKA: So. Weâre cool? No harm done 8y either of us?
JOHN: why canât i use WORDS!
JOHN: but there is still a lot i don't know about you. and a lot you don't know about me
JOHN: and before i was worried that if we... were together, and something went wrong, that you would end up all alone.
JOHN: despite all that.
JOHN: i am done being all nervous about this.
JOHN: i am almost a grown man now, i can talk about matters of the heart and not be shy about it!
VRISKA: Come on, say something.
JOHN: oh man, your right i'm not good at this stuff at all.
JOHN: i think.
JOHN: I THINK THAT MAYBE...
VRISKA: I made Tavros kiss me. Just like what I did to you.
VRISKA: I thought.... I dunno.
VRISKA: I didn't realize that it would just end 8adly for 8oth of us.
VRISKA: One would think I would have fucking LEARNED something from that ordeal.
VRISKA: 8ut nope. I got mad and kissed YOU and freaked you out.
VRISKA: And I am so sorry, John. I know you're really uncomforta8le with... romancy stuff.
VRISKA: You know we canât just keep waltzing along and pretend like what I did a few days ago doesnât matter.
JOHN: well, i forgive you. isn't that all that matters?
JOHN: we should just forget about it!
VRISKA: No! We can't just forget a8out it! It's not healthy!
VRISKA: You can say you forgive me.
VRISKA: 8ut I don't even forgive myself!
VRISKA: I've already made this mistake 8efore too!
JOHN: and she would look into his eyes and know that her father is her own personal hero.
VRISKA: I dunno, after a while Iâd start to wonder why the kid doesnât just stop letting her fucking toys go missing. And why wouldnât she just go get them 8ack herself.
JOHN: sheâs just a little girl!
JOHN: and her daddy has to prove that he loves his little girl.
JOHN: it is such a sweet setup.
JOHN: if i ever have a daughter i am going to name her casey and i will be her hero.
JOHN: oh. nothing.
JOHN: i just remembered trolls donât really have families and this probably doesnât make sense to you.
VRISKA: You could say something like, your descendant will really look up to you.
JOHN: yeah, troll descendants and human kids arenât really the same thing though.
VRISKA: I think it is pro8a8ly for the 8est that your descendant doesnât look up to you, worshiping your ancestor like a hero 8asically never turns out to 8e a good idea ever. Unless you want to turn into a murderous pir8.
JOHN: no id rather be a gruff, but loving and supportive dad.
VRISKA: I'm sure you'd make a good lusus, you know, except for the gruff part.
JOHN: awe vriska i could totally be gruff.
VRISKA: Pffff. I dou8t that.
JOHN: so yeah.
VRISKA: Where do you guys even get human children from anyway.
JOHN: that's a really complicated story i really donât wanna tell right now.
VRISKA: Fair enough.
VRISKA: I kind of wanted to talk a8out something else anyway.
JOHN: what is that?
VRISKA: I donât know I just........
VRISKA: We need to talk a8out something kind of important.
JOHN: apparently here in earth the second,
JOHN: con air is a lot different than it was in the past.
JOHN: the catch is this time
JOHN: it is actually good!
JOHN: we should watch it together sometime.
VRISKA: That would 8e nice.
JOHN: it was apparently so good it got its own spin off tv show.
VRISKA: Uh. How can you make a tv spinoff about that movie.
VRISKA: What story is there that can 8e continued.
JOHN: thats just part of the mystery, vriska.
VRISKA: What, does Nic Cage get wrapped up in weekly dramas that revolve around protecting a plush earth animal from harm?
JOHN: iâd watch that.
VRISKA: Of course you would.
VRISKA: I dunno.
JOHN: didnât you say you were hungry?
VRISKA: I guess to 8e honest this tastes kind of gross.
JOHN: wow i never thought i would see this in my life somebody rejecting the sweet taste of ice cream.
VRISKA: Sorry! I feel kind of 8ad since you 8ought this for me with your own money.
JOHN: oh no itâs ok! just hand it over, iâll eat it.
VRISKA: What is ice cream even made out of?
JOHN: milk and a lot of sugar i think.
VRISKA: Why donât just call it milk and sugar cream, anyway. First the piano keys using letters and now this, do humans have to pick the stupidest naming conventions for everything?
JOHN: heeeeeeey, thatâs not even true though trolls have way weirder ways of phrasing things.
JOHN: like calling wheelchairs wheel devices or question marks and exclamations points surprise noodles and shout poles.
JOHN: and you put troll in front of the name of your famous celebrities i mean.
JOHN: we dont call nicolas cage "human nicolas cage."
JOHN: donât even get me started on your guysâ movie titles.
VRISKA: Haha. Ok I will give you that one.
JOHN: i mean, jeez trolls, i wanted to watch a movie not read a fucking novel.
JOHN: do you guys, like, run into each otherâs heads at full speeds to establish dominance.
VRISKA: Pfft. Iâm sure weâd all end up with 8roken necks if we all tried to act like a 8unch of dum8ass fawn8easts.
JOHN: I think the earth equivalent to fawnbeast would be a deer, by the way.
JOHN: you might want to start taking notes on my vocabulary lessons, vriska.
JOHN: you dont want to end up in one of those situations where you know all the basic earth vocabulary but not the slang
JOHN: like imagine if a guy were to walk up to you at a club telling you he digs you and you thought he was talking about shovels.
VRISKA: Yeah, all right, Iâll sharpen all my note taking pencils, and write that in next to my expansive notes on which side of the dinner plates the utensils are supposed to go on.
JOHN: oh youâre so funny.
JOHN: you with all your sarcasm.
JOHN: thatâs original.
VRISKA: Can you name a single individual in our group of reluctantly termed friends that ISNâT a sarcastic ass.
JOHN: jade i guess.
JOHN: no wait who am i kidding, jades a fierce tyrant. never get on her bad side, youâll regret it.
VRISKA: How come you arenât all paranoid a8out me 8eing outside in a species full of creatures terrified of aliens?
JOHN: i think jade was right
VRISKA: Jade? You were talking a8out me with Jade????????
VRISKA: Why? What does she know a8out me?
JOHN: hey. i talk to jade about a lot of things. she is my sister, and ive known her for years.
JOHN: and she has so much sisterly wisdom to impart.
JOHN: she is right about most people turning a blind eye to strange things such as a gray skinned girl with antlers. And it isnât fair to keep you cooped up at my house like a dog.
VRISKA: John. They are horns, not antlers.
JOHN: Whatâs the difference?
VRISKA: Horns are made mostly out of the same material fingernails are made out of.
VRISKA: Antlers are extensions of the skull that have skin that peels off.
JOHN: What? i thought your horns were made out delicious candy corn.
VRISKA: That is incredi8ly silly.
JOHN: lets just get the cake shopping done fast then, maybe, we can do whatever.
JOHN: want to talk to you a bit more about... things.
JOHN: if you don't mind.
VRISKA: Are you kidding, talking to you is my favor8 thing!
JOHN: i was actually getting ready to run to the store and get some things.
JOHN: dad ran out of cake batter again and apparently that is a necessity that cannot wait until tomorrow.
JOHN: as much as i love him, two universes worth of trials and he still doesn't realize how over aggressively he dads me
JOHN: his prankster's gambit is so high too
JOHN: earlier today i told him i was hungry and guess what he did
VRISKA: Ummmmmmmmâ¦â¦...Did he say âHi Hungry, Iâm dad?â
JOHN: no he threw a pie straight in my face!
JOHN: what a classic gag i cant believe i fell for that.
VRISKA: John, if your dad starts throwing food at me I might have to reconsider our living arrangement for real this time.
JOHN: haha, i wouldnât worry about that.
JOHN: i think my dad is scared of you to be honest.
JOHN: it is astonishing how hard he tries to avoid interacting with you.
JOHN: i think you guys have talked to each other about...
VRISKA: That is accurate.
JOHN: you know, at least when you are around he tries to keep his pranking to a minimum, so thanks for that.
VRISKA: I am glad to 8e of help!
VRISKA: No! Why would I ever leave?
JOHN: i dont know!
VRISKA: Seriously though, I tell you that I traveled all the way to your planets MOON, and met a 8unch of crazy lethal aliens and that is what you're most concerned about? The fact that I didnât leave here by choice?
JOHN: well yeah i mean to a normal loser that would be mind boggling
JOHN but weâve both seen way crazier shit and you know it.
JOHN: when we got into that fight a few days ago,
JOHN: and then you disappeared, i thought you just got so fed up that you left.
VRISKA: Oh right. A8out that, uh, incident that lead up to that little argument.
VRISKA: You know, we should just forget any of that even happened.
VRISKA: Just wipe the sl8 clean and go 8ack to the way things were.
VRISKA: As much as I complain, I really did like it here 8efore I had to fuck up and make things awkward.
VRISKA: It wasâ¦â¦..
VRISKA: Yeah, something like that.
VRISKA: John, if I decided to pack up and leave, I wouldnât have anywhere else to go!
VRISKA: At least, if I am to 8eleive all the things you say a8out humans 8eing afraid of aliens.
VRISKA: Wait, if I was leaving, I would have taken my stuff with me.
VRISKA: Is all my stuff still there?
VRISKA: No8ody touched my stuff right?
JOHN: itâs all still there.
JOHN: i was wondering why you didnât take any of it.
JOHN: vriska youâve been gone for two days!!!
VRISKA: Jegus. Seriously? Come to think of it I am starving........
VRISKA: Anyway. I GOT KIDNAPPED!!!!!!!!
JOHN: oh no... this is bad. what did they do to you? who was it?
VRISKA: Long story short, those ninja aliens are 8ack. They took me, Rose and Liz to the moon, and then we fought them, and me and Liz escaped, 8ut...
VRISKA: She stayed 8ehind for some reason.
JOHN: wait, thatâs where she was this whole time?
JOHN: i thought she was just being anti social and ditching our party for some reason.
VRISKA: Nope, she was with me. Unfortunately. I could have done without her attitude.
VRISKA: 8ut then, the ninja aliens captured her, and she told us to leave without her! So 8efore you peg this on me I just remem8er that she made her decision!
VRISKA: Ugh. I should have saved her anyway.
VRISKA: I know you two were friends.
JOHN: well as long as she doesnât do anything too heroic they canât kill her right?
VRISKA: 8ut something a8out that sneaky little light player makes me wonder if she has her own plan.
VRISKA: She was feeling kind of smug. As if all the cards were in her favor........
JOHN: and... that doesnât make any sense?
VRISKA: What about that didnât make sense?
JOHN: how could you have known what she was feeling.
JOHN: oh right your psychi-
VRISKA: Psychic powers. Yeah.
JOHN: you think shes gonna be ok?
VRISKA: Uh. Yeah.
VRISKA: Those aliens are morons. Fucking MORONS. They locked us up in a shitty cage and we 8usted out without any problems! They didnât have any fancy force field or anything, just threw us on the ground and left us there. If I were them I would have AT LEAST chained up my prisoners. So stupid.
JOHN: stupid? you'd think aliens capable of traveling to other planets would be a little smarter right?
VRISKA: I dunno. The trolls were capable of some pretty amazing shit 8ut they still never figuring out that not killing each other was a lot more productive than 8eing murderous little 8astards.
JOHN: well then.
JOHN: if rose apparently has her own plan...
JOHN: youâre sure she is ok and knows what she is doing, right?
VRISKA: John, stop worrying a8out Rose. She is fine, I promise. God Tiers canât die, remember?
VRISKA: Can we just stop talking a8out Rose now? God.
VRISKA: Sheâs fine.
JOHN: i thought you left me for good.
VRISKA: Yep. That's me.
JOHN: what...? vriska where were you?
VRISKA: Oh, nowhere. I just-
JOHN: vriska... i found your letter
VRISKA: What...? You did? That thing?
VRISKA: You know that was kind of a rough draft. You werenât supposed to read it yet.
VRISKA: Nevermind that.
VRISKA: So what to do now? Come on youâre the brilliant manipulator, master of the timeline and engineer of the lord of timeâs defeat, you can come up with some way to salvage a terri8le day.
VRISKA: Oh right, everythingâs turned to shit and John h8s me.
VRISKA: Plus I lost Rose...
VRISKA: And now Iâm talking to myself.
VRISKA: You know what, this is pro8a8ly going to end terri8ly 8ut Iâm just going to face John and tell him what is going on, no more 8ullshitting around.
ZELGORATH: yes master!
LIZ: I mean if you donât mind.
VRISKA: What? You seriously want to see me again?
VRISKA: After everything that we just had to suffer through?
LIZ: Yeah of course!
VRISKA: Alright human.
VRISKA: I will consider it.
LIZ: I could bring over some of my Pokemon movies and we can watch them! Although, most of them do kind of suck.
LIZ: But I love the third one. I remember it especially because my brother brought it home from his friend Alexâs house and watched it with me because he felt bad about pawning my bicycle. Itâs the one where Entei is created by the unknown, and he uses his power to give the girl he loves her dad back, and anything she could desire. I remember watching that as a kid and thinking about how much I wanted that to happen.
LIZ: For a magical monster to sweep into my life and care about me that much that heâd do anything for me.
LIZ: I think it was the first time Iâd ever been exposed to pokemon too.
LIZ: Thatâs kind of funny, isnât it?
VRISKA: If you think I was listening to any of that, you are dead wrong.
LIZ: Thought so.
LIZ: Anyway, see you Vriska.
VRISKA: See you, loser.
LIZ: I mean, two weeks from now when he actually realizes IâοΏ½οΏ½m missing.
LIZ: And thatâοΏ½οΏ½s being generous.
VRISKA: Yes, I get it, your human relative doesnâοΏ½οΏ½t love you enough.
VRISKA: Instead of dumping your sob story on me why donâοΏ½οΏ½t you just get lost?
LIZ: I had a nice day with you too, Vriska. I mean, aside from the fact that we got abducted by aliens. Although, it was kind of cool...
VRISKA: No, today was completely awful. 8ut okay, IâοΏ½οΏ½ll join along and pretend it was a nice day just for the sake of this one moment of sentimentality 8etween the two of us that will never, ever occur again.
VRISKA: Listen up you little mucus, Iâm never down on myself, I just hit temporary pitfalls where I become stupid and forget about how gr8 it is 8eing me.
LIZ: Yeah, sure, I totally believe that.
VRISKA: Well you should 8ecause itâs the truth.
LIZ: That wasnât meant to be taken-
LIZ: Youâre enjoying this arenât you?
VRISKA: Let me have my fun.
VRISKA: We got away just like that?
VRISKA: Whereâs the hordes of 8easts chasing after us.
VRISKA: Whereâs the ninja swearing vengeance on us for defeating him yet again.
LIZ: Uh, youâve been complaining this entire time about how you wanted to go home without trouble, and now youâre complaining there wasnât enough trouble?
VRISKA: Well Iâm sorry I have a little 8it of sensi8ility for how a gr8 story is told.
LIZ: Well, you can cry over how lame the âstoryâ was, but Iâm just glad we got out alive!
VRISKA: Silly humans. There is more to life than just 8eing all safe and cozy. You are all such softies. 8orn and raised in a safe little wriggler culture.
LIZ: Well what am I supposed to do about it?
VRISKA: You darn humans, how dare you have a different culture. I want an apology from every human including you on my desk by Monday.
LIZ: Youâre outrageous.
VRISKA: I know, isnât it gr8?
LIZ: That wasnât meant as a compliment.
VRISKA: Yeah I figured.
"[S] Kankri: Elaborate. "
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KANKRI: I sh9uld trigger warn f9r all p9ssi6le a6leist 6ehavi9r ar9und y9u, c9nsider this an ap9l9gy, I did n9t kn9w y9u let y9ur 9wn mental handicaps run s9 wild and free as y9ur dancest9r t9 serve as a negative stere9type f9r all 9f th9se similarly disa6led. 6ut Iâll c9nsider myself enlightened in future interacti9ns s9 as n9t t9 trigger y9ur sensi6ilities.
SOLLUX: yeah that2 riight
KANKRI: Perhaps Karkat is better 9ff living with humans.
KANKRI: He sure acts quite like them, and he seems t9 6e rather f9nd 9f them.
KANKRI: N9, he wa2 2uppo2ed to be executed, not exiled!
KANKRI: Bring him back thi2 in2ant!
SOLLUX: 2orry, no can do
SOLLUX: you 2ee thii2 baby ii2 a one way triip
SOLLUX: you can go cha2e after hiim iif you want, but good luck building another iinterplaniitary transportiilizer to 2end you back home
KARKAT: Y9u im6ecile! What were y9u thinking? Y9u sh9uld 6e tried f9r treas9n! Karkat was pr9ven guilty and y9u let your kinship with him get the 6etter of y9u! D9 y9u have any idea what repercussi9ns this c9uld have? If people think that, instead of 6eing given a just punishment, they can just be sent to an9ther planet t9 cause cha9s? Then everyone will be out of c9ntr9ll! This is a DISASTER!
SOLLUX: a dii2a2ter you 2ay?
SOLLUX: 2orry kankrii. iit was my biipolar personality getting in the way again. 2ometimes the other me just act2 without thiinkniing you know? 2ometimes ii wish ii could tell him to just get a fucking grip but he doesnt alway2 liisten
SOLLUX: youre not going to hold my diisability agaiin2t me are you?
KANKRI: First 9f all, how dare y9u take 9ff with the c9nvicted pris9ner like that.
KANKRI: I had t9 take Equiusâs gr9ss muscle6east and ride it all the way 6ack t9 the castle just t9 try and catch y9u tw9!
KANKRI: Sec9nd 9f all,
KANKRI: WHAT IN 6L99DY HELL WHERE Y9U THINKING?
SOLLUX: ii cant make the cordiinate2 any more 2peciifiic, so you miight have to wander around hopele22ly untiil you find your friiend2
SOLLUX: you have your portable communiicatiion deviice, correct?
SOLLUX: iill get iin touch wiith you later
KARKAT: BYE SOLLUX.
SOLLUX: go 2tep iin2iide the cool hiigh tech machiine
KARKAT: (please donât fry my brains out)
KARKAT: YOUâD BETTER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
SOLLUX: ii thiink you mean, âthank you 2ollux for 2aviing my liife"
KARKAT: THAT IS WHAT I MEANT.
SOLLUX: youre wanted for murder
SOLLUX: 2o riight now you have two optiion2
SOLLUX: stayiing here ii2 optiion one
SOLLUX: and that optiion mean2 dyiing here pathetiically and ca2t down by that shiitstain fuCKHEAD KNOWN A2 KANKRII
SOLLUX: ii am giiviing you a 2econd optiion
SOLLUX: ii will make you choo2e the 2econd one becau2e youre my friiend and watchiing you diie would hurt me as much a2 iit would hurt you
KARKAT: YEAH OK.
KARKAT: EXCEPT THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS BOGUS AND I DIDNâT KILL ANYONE.
KARKAT: SENDING ME ACROSS THE UNIVERSE IS KIND OF EXTREME.
KARKAT: USUALLY PEOPLE JUST GO INTO HIDING OR SOME SHIT.
SOLLUX: look we have friends on earth who can keep you safe
SOLLUX: in the mean time me and tz will try to sort things out here
KARKAT: YOUâRE NOT FUCKING SERIOUS.
SOLLUX: ii am alway2 200 percent 2eriou2 kk
SOLLUX: even when making 2hiity number pun2
KARKAT: IS THIS PILE OF TRASH EVEN FINISHED YET?
SOLLUX: no.. err..
SOLLUX: anyway say hi to our earth friends for me
KARKAT: WAIT. NO.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU THEREâS NO WAY IâM TRUSTING THIS, YOUâLL PROBABLY SCATTER MY ATOMS AND REVERSE THEIR POLARITY OR SOMETHING.
SOLLUX: iit astounds me how liitlle you know, and yet how much you pretend to know
KARKAT: YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST HOP ON OVER TO ANOTHER PLANET???
KARKAT: YOU ARE CRAZY!
KARKAT: WHATâS THE PLAN HERE, MR SMART TROLL?
KARKAT: WHAT BRILLIANT IDEA PULLED STRAIGHT FROM THE STYGIAN ABYSS THAT IS YOUR NOOK?
KARKAT: HOPEFULLY ANOTHER UNIVERSE DESTROYING GAME.
KARKAT: I STILL HAVENâT FORGIVEN YOU FOR CODING THAT, AND THEN DYING LIKE A MILLION TIMES ON ME, BY THE WAY.
KARKAT: I WOULD RATHER BE EXECUTED BY QUARTERING WITH TWO GIANT SWEATY HORSE ASSHOLES TIED TO ALL MY LIMBS THEN GO THROUGH THAT MONOTONOUS HELL AGAIN.
SOLLUX: will you cool it kk
SOLLUX: ii know that rantiing on about 2tupiid shiiit and generally makiing an a22 of your2elf iis your copiing mechanii2m for your complete faiilure to functiion as a troll
SOLLUX: but im trying to 2ave your life dammit!!!
SOLLUX: ii could do wiith a liitle more concentratiion iin2tead of forciing all of my amaziing braiin power two tune out your con2tant biitchfiit2
KARKAT: AAAHHH OH GOD OH GOD OH FUCK PLEASE DON'T LET ME FALL. HOLY SHIT I'M FLYING! FUCK, FLYING IS SCARY OH GOD OH GOD PUT ME DOWN SOMEWHERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY ASS!!!!
KARKAT: AAAHHH OH GOD OH GOD OH FUCK PLEASE DON'T LET ME FALL. HOLY SHIT I'M FLYING! FUCK, FLYING IS SCARY OH GOD OH GOD PUT ME DOWN SOMEWHERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY ASS!!!!
"==> (Epilepsy warning)"
KANKRI: You canât d9 this. You have 6een given duties that y9u have 6een expected to live up t9!
KANKRI: The convicted must be punished!
KANKRI: If you wonât do it I will find s9me9ne else!
EQUIUS: D--> Despite the evidence that i have been informed about
EQUIUS: D--> What I see is not the face of a traitor
EQUIUS: D--> It is the face of a leader
EQUIUS: D--> Not only that
EQUIUS: D--> I see the face of a friend
EQUIUS: D--> And I cant in good faith extinguish this life
KANKRI: What are y9u saying?
EQUIUS: D--> I am trying to e100cidate the nature of my misgivings
KANKRI: And h9w d9 y9u intend t9 d9 that, y9u are under my 9rders Zahhak, 6ef9ran and Alternian traditi9n dictate that the e%ecut9r f9ll9w 9rders and sh9w n9 mercy t9 th9se heâs assigned.
EQUIUS: D--> I can think of one particular e%ecutor who disobeyed the orders of a higher blood and showed mercy
EQUIUS: D--> Simply because they felt it was right
EQUIUS: D--> Perhaps I was always destined to follow his path
EQUIUS: D--> By doing the one thing I do best
KARKAT: I DONâT WANT TO DIE!
SOLLUX: !! !! !!
TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3 SHOOT H1M
TEREZI: YOU KNOW H3 WOULD N3V3R COMM1T MURD3RS L1K3 TH3S3
SOLLUX: leave thi2 to me terezii
SOLLUX: iill go and kick his a22 and then-
KANKRI: Guards! Detain them!
EQUIUS: D-> I was uninformed
KANKRI: What is it? Get 9n with it already.
EQUIUS: D--> You have misled me, at the meeting beforehand in my quarters you said I would be executing a dishonorable traitor
KANKRI: I fail t9 see the lie 9r misleading in that circumstance, seri9usly what is y9ur issue I even pr9perly tagged all p9ssi6le triggers having t9 d9 with 6l99dshed and y9ur 9wn 6latant 6ig9ted hem9ism. My speeches are always c9mprehensive.
EQUIUS: D--> Karkat
EQUIUS: D--> Has he truely committed the crimes you explained to me
KANKRI: I am afraid s9.
KANKRI: The jury has decided that he is guilty.
EQUIUS: D--> Very well
EQUIUS: D--> I am perfectly capable of directing myself from this point forward
EQUIUS: D--> However, if your putrid mutant blood would deign it appropriate to order me to do so, i reccomend you be less passive about your request
KANKRI: Fine, if y9u w9uld, I 9RDER y9u t9 step f9rward and archeradicate.
KANKRI: Y9u are 9ur execut9r, after all.
EQUIUS: D--> That I am
EQUIUS: D--> I will see to it that the vile tyrants of this world receive their just punishment
KANKRI: I really wish it didn't have t9 come t9 this.
KANKRI: 6ut the jury has made their decisi9n.
KANKRI: Will the executioner please step on stage.
EQUIUS: D--> These fudging sunglasses make it so difficult to see
EQUIUS: D--> Who is that screaming prisoner anyway his cries are most disgraceful
EQUIUS: D--> A real alternian faces the bow of the archeradicator with courage
EQUIUS: D--> The prelude to demise should be a whisper and not a bang
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
KARKAT: I DIDNâT KILL THEM!
KARKAT: IT WAS AN IMPOSTER!
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!
KARKAT: I HELPED CREATE THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE!
KARKAT: AT LEAST I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT!
KANKRI: IâM SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THE GOD OF THIS WORLD OR SOMETHING.
KARKAT: WHY DIDNâT I GOD TIER WHEN I HAD THE FUCKING CHANCE?
KARKAT: IT COULD HAVE SAVED ME SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN TO FACE MY OWN DEATH ONCE THEN REVIVE WITH POWERS THAT WOULD MAKE ME AT LEAST SOMEWHAT LESS SHITTY.
KARKAT: YOU GUYS WOULD DRIVE AN ARROW THROUGH MY HEART ACCUSING ME OF THESE HORRIBLE THINGS, EXPECTING ME TO DIE A GUILTY DEATH
KARKAT: AND I WOULD COME BACK IN A GLORIOUS BURST OF LIGHT AND PROVE YOU ALL WRONG!
KARKAT: IâD PROVE YOU ALL WRONG!
KARKAT: W... WHAT?
KANKRI: And what have y9u decided to be his fair punishment?
HIRUZO: Well you know what 7hey say... an eye for an eye. A life for a life. In 7his case 7wo lives...
HIRUZO: We believe 7hat the only recompense is... a dea7h sen7ence.
HIRUZO: Yeah. I think were done 7alking here.
HIRUZO: Doesn7 appear to be much to 7alk about anyway.
KANKRI: Tell me then, what have y9u decided?
HIRUZO: He is...
HIRUZO: Based on 7he evidence we saw...
KANKRI: Get 9n with it.
TEREZI: TH3R3 H4S TO B3 MOR3 T4P3S SOM3WH3R3.
TEREZI: WHY DONâT YOU H4V3 4NY MOR3?
TEREZI: 1F W3 COULD JUST SHOW WH4T H4PP3N3D ON TH3 B4LCONY W3 WOULDNT B3 1N TH1S M3SS!
SOLLUX: oh my fuckiing god dont try and make thii2 my fault
SOLLUX: do you have any iidea how 2hiithiive crazy iit ii2 tryiing to 2et up tho2e 2tupiid camera2?
SOLLUX: fiirst ii have fiind a way to prop those damn thiing2 iin a tiiny corner of a really hiigh up ceiiling wiith out droppiing iit. and iif ii do drop iit than that ii2 about twothou2and trollbuck2 riight down the load gaper.
SOLLUX: then ii have to 2nake all the2e diifferent cord2 all over the ca2tle whiich ii2 damn near iimpossible because ii cannot fuckiing tell which color wiire ii2 whiich.
SOLLUX: oh diid i forget to tell you that when aranea healed my eye2 faiiled to re2tore my abiiliity to 2ee color?
TEREZI: STOP YOUR WH1N1NG 4ND H3LP M3 TH1NK OF 4 W4Y TO H3LP K4RK4T!
SOLLUX: wa2nt that 2uppo2ed to be your department?
KANKRI: Anyway. Despite my newf9und certainty 9n the matter, the decisi9n regarding your fate is n9t mine t9 make. Rather y9u are thr9wn at the mercy 9f the jury, a task assigned t9 them acc9rding t9 the traditi9ns 9f 6ef9ran justice. I put my utm9st faith in the dependency 9f this system, that the jury will 6ase their decisi9n 9n 96jective fact, leaving their pers9nal 6iases aside. Jury, have y9u reached a c9nclusi9n in this l9ng and dramatic case? Have y9u decided if the defendant, Karkat, is guilty 9f regicide, and the murder 9f 69th Tavr9s Nitram and Meenah Peixes? And if s9, what have y9u determined t9 6e his fair punishment t9 6e sentenced and then carried 9ut immediately.
KARKAT: THE ACTUAL BURNING IN ETERNAL AGONY HELL.
KARKAT: TEREZI I DIDNâT KILL THEM.
KARKAT: THAT WASNâT ME.
KARKAT: I SWEAR!
TEREZI: 1 KNOW.
TEREZI: TH1S 1S JUST SO FUCK3D UP.
TEREZI: 1 JUST N33D TO TH1NK...
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO FUCKING HAVE A HEART ATTACK I AM SO FREAKED OUT.
KARKAT: WHAT IS THAT DERANGED CROWN-TOTING SHITSTAIN GOING TO DO TO ME?
KARKAT: IF I DIE, I AM *SOOOO* GOING TO HAUNT HIS ASS.
KARKAT: IâLL SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF HIS LIFE WHISPERING GHOSTLY SOCIAL INJUSTICES INTO HIS HEARING DUCTS UNTIL HE GOES MAD.
TEREZI: K4RK4T PL34S3 SHUT YOUR MOUTH JUST TH1S ONC3, TH1S 1S 4 S3R1OUS S1TU4T1ON.
"Return to Alternia."
KANKRI: Y9u kn9w, deep d9wn in my heart, I was h9ping this trial would vindicate y9u and pr9ve your inn9cence despite my pr9secut9rial eff9rts. I h9ped that my visi9ns 9f 6l99dy murder were inc9rrect, that I perhaps I was misled 6y them and swept up in the fervor 9f what y9ur friend w9uld call true, revenge driven justice and may6e just going a little crazy 9ver what I saw.
KANKRI: May6e my mind was n9t right at the m9ment, an unclear head can lead even the greatest 9f pr9phets astray. May6e that was n9t really y9u I saw, maybe it was an imp9ster 9r s9me 9ther devilish trickery? May6e it was just a dream??? But n9. There is n9 d9u6t in my mind n9w. I am a6solutely disgusted, Karkat. I 6elieved in y9u and y9u went and threw everything away.
TG: why arent you answering you usually answer by now
TG: god here we go again
TG: just me and my own wall of red text
TG: come on we need some nice pink text up in here
TG: just message me asap ok
TG: ill be here
TG: i get that you arent the social type
TG: you know
TG: stereotypical smart goth-ish girl thing
TG: always strutting off down your own path just to prove you can
TG: and i get it
TG: parties arent your thing
TG: at least as far as i know
TG: maybe one day youre just going to throw off your classy exterior disguise and underneath will be a bunch of glowy thingies and laser pointers and youll be all like rose rave 20-whatever-year-it-is
TG: is it ironic that im a time player and i can barely keep track of the stuff
TG: not that you were any better
TG: you were always late to any kind of get together on the meteor
TG: but would you mind telling me why you didnt come back last night
TG: we all were wondering where you went
TERLOCK: Go chain this one somewhere.
TERLOCK: And make sure she CANâT GET AWAY.
HADES: Yes Terlock.
HADES: Will do.
ROSE: Looks like I am staying a while.
VRISKA: Take care, Rose.
HADES: This is absolutely unacceptable!
TERLOCK: Calm down Hades. We kind of ran ourselves into a corner here.
TERLOCK: Just look at the bright side. We caught one of them.
HADES: Just make sure she doesnât escape this time.
TERLOCK: That is your job Hades. You canât just dump this on me.
HADES: Yes Terlock.
VRISKA: Here is what is gonna go down.
VRISKA: Me and Liz here are gonna get the fuck out of here.
VRISKA: And you guys arenât gonna try and stop us.
VRISKA: If you do, we kill this red guy here.
VRISKA: I am pretty sure neither of you two can come back from the dead.
HADES: My name is HADES! How dare you dishonor me by giving me such a lazy title.
TERLOCK: If you put one tiny gray hand on him we will torture this girl here until she begs for death.
ROSE: Please refrain from touching the red alien, Vriska.
VRISKA: Alright Liz, go make that teleporter work.
LIZ: I can try!
VRISKA: Green guy, make sure red guy doesnât do anything sneaky.
ZELGORATH: i only take orders from my master.
VRISKA: LIZ, MAKE HIM DO WHAT I SAY!
LIZ: Zelgorath, listen to Vriska please!
ZELGORATH: yes master
VRISKA: Well you know, Iâm going to have to tell him that you got kidnapped. He's not gonna like hearing that.
ROSE: I will be fine.
ROSE: Trust me.
TERLOCK: Enough of this!
TERLOCK: What are you going to do, demigods? Make your decision!
ROSE: Just... Go.
ROSE: They are right. They will kill you.
VRISKA: Why the sudden concern for me Lalonde?! Youâre the one about to get her head chopped off!
VRISKA: Just stop panicking and we can find a way out of this!
ROSE: And I canât let you get yourself killed.
ROSE: John.... Really does care about you.
ROSE: And I don't want to have to explain to him how you got killed trying to save me.
LIZ: Uhhh... They seem pretty serious.
VRISKA: Well, I can fight them. You just get your green guy ready to fight.
TERLOCK: I intend to make good on my threats. Do not play games with me. You will lose them. This is a guarantee.
TERLOCK: No matter.
TERLOCK: Iâll tell you what.
TERLOCK: You two try and save her.
TERLOCK: And Hades will promptly dispose of the both of you.
TERLOCK: For good.
HADES: Yeah. Take one step towards the human girl, and both of you will die!
TERLOCK: Try to escape and I will snap her in two.
TERLOCK: It is a very efficient method of execution. My favorite method of disposal.
VRISKA: You canât do that.
VRISKA: And you know it.
VRISKA: Sheâs a god, remem8er?
LIZ: Canât we all just be friends and work something out?
TERLOCK: Please be quiet.
ROSE: Yes, in your own words as this planetâs champions, and as the chosen heroes we have no choice but to protect it. Just as you are destined to fight for your species survival. Our clash of interests is written in the stars.
TERLOCK: Such fancy words.
TERLOCK: But Iâve had enough talk.
TERLOCK: Have at you then.
LIZ: Whatâs the cute Kitty-Killer-Man talking about?
VRISKA: Let me summarize. Their planet is fucked. Which means so are they.
VRISKA: And they expect us to care, and just give in like âOooooooh Iâm so sorry for you poor aliens and your plight."
VRISKA: Well, they made the mistake of trying to move in to OUR space.
VRISKA: And, as the apparent am8assador of this silly earth planet, I canât allow that.
VRISKA: I donât give a shit if your stupid ninja race is dying off.
VRISKA: You dipshits canât just dump your pro8lems on some other species and expect them to cooper8.
VRISKA: So, Liz. We are pro8a8ly gonna have to fight these guys now.
LIZ: Does everything come down to fights and not caring with you?
LIZ: I mean why canât we talk it out?
LIZ: Saving the day with the power of friendship you know?
LIZ: Just like My Little Pony Fri-
VRISKA: Shut up. Friendship has nothing to do with this situ8tion, stop 8ringing in your fakey fake childhood fantasies, with reality right in front of you.
VRISKA: Just shut up and get ready to fight.
ROSE: (Vriska, you are aware that neither of us are in possession of any kind of weapon.)
VRISKA: (Yeah. I know. That might 8e a slight pro8lem.)
ROSE: (Any âgr8â ideas?)
TERLOCK: While I do not approve of you divulging into such top secret information.
TERLOCK: Perhaps it is to our advantage to be forthright.
TERLOCK: Now you small handed creatures known as humans can see.
TERLOCK: That our hand is forced.
HADES: In normal situations we would not even grace your pathetic disharmonic species with the privilege of our warfare.
HADES: Even the underhanded tactics father is using are barely worth your people.
HADES: Youâre still conducting war with yourselves. Your world is out of order.
TERLOCK: Hades please let me talk. This is hardly the time for posturing.
TERLOCK: We are on the precipice of total annihilation.
TERLOCK: Our actions are dictated this time not by the glory of conquest. But by the desperation of survival.
TERLOCK: We have no choice. But to fight.
TERLOCK: Really. You should just cooperate. Kneel down and let us have our way.
TERLOCK: Unless you want genocide on your conscience.
"[S] Sylja: Engage."
<embed src="https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/76929498/Flashes/Sylja%20Engage%202.swf" width="640" height="480" align="center" loop="false">
Music: Constant Confinement by Erik Scheele
(The entire album this song comes from is fantastic, by the way. If you haven't already I recommend you listen to the whole thing.)
TERLOCK: What are you doing here, young lady?
TERLOCK: We are about to fight here. You might want to stay back. I don't want you getting hurt.
VRISKA: It looks like weâre gonna settle this shit right now!!!
TERLOCK: Why not.
ROSE: You two are out numbered.
HADES: Yet you are outmatched!
HADES: I possess power that you can not even comprehend!
HADES: Kneel before me, demigods!
VRISKA: STOP CALLING US FUCKING DEMIGODS!
LIZ: (What the hell is going on???)
ROSE: That is what is assumed of us. Yes.
TERLOCK: So the first step in breaching the defenses of a planet would be to take down their security. In this case it would be you demigods.
VRISKA: Ok, Iâll have you know right here and now that I am a full fledged god tier hero, not an insignificant little demigod.
TERLOCK: Simply put. We are here to eliminate the demigod threat. Starting with you three. And ending with your friends. One by one you will vanish. Just like dying stars in the sky.
LIZ: (What??? Iâm not a demigod?)
TERLOCK: I understand that you will do your best to oppose with any means possible.
VRISKA: (Shhhhhhhh just play along)
LIZ: (Huh? Why? So you can have them kill me instead of one of your other friends? No way!)
TERLOCK: And I wouldnât expect any less.
TERLOCK: However. As much as I hate getting my paws dirty. You will see that we can be equally brutal.
VRISKA: (Come on, Iâm not that cruel! And 8eleive me, I donât give a shit about the rest of those dum8 humans. But these aliens canât kill us god tiers under normal circumstances and they know it. Maybe they wonât try to kill you if they think youâll just come back kicking.)
VRISKA: (Just try not to act super heroic or evil)
VRISKA: What is your guysâ pro8lem?
VRISKA: We didnât even do anything to piss you off.
VRISKA: We were just trying to live our lives! Is that too much to ask for!?!?!?!?
VRISKA: Why do you have to come and fuck everything up with your stupid alien 8ullshit?
ROSE: I am going to have to second Vriskaâs inquiries on this one.
ROSE: Your motives are strangely clouded to me, which is baffling.
HADES: Our purpose is a noble one.
HADES: We are here to kill all the demigods and-
TERLOCK: Hades. Please. Let me take care of this. You donât know what youâre talking about.
HADES: Yes Terlock...
Iâm afraid we canât allow rogue demigods running around the facility on their own. We are going to subdue you.
TERLOCK: Even if it means we have to kill you over and over again until you beg for mortality.
ROSE: Pleased to see you again around these parts, Vriska. Come, join the party.
VRISKA: How wonderful, I would 8e delighted.
HADES: What madness is this?
HADES: There is no party.
HADES: This is serious business, okay?
VRISKA: Hey, red ninja dude. Tell your mutant lizards to calm the fuck down, will ya?
HADES: What? You passed through the biodome?
HADES: I swear if you hurt even one of my precious creatures Iâll.... Um. You will regret it!
ROSE: Hello there.
ROSE: Donât mind me. Just escaping from your poorly constructed prison.
TERLOCK: Ugh, she probably slipped through the bars.
TERLOCK: That stupid cage wasnât built for tiny stupid aliens.
ROSE: Given your ever increasing number of failures in the âoppression of humansâ department, I would have to argue that you two are the stupid ones.
TERLOCK: Quiet, you.
ROSE: However I will admit you caught me red handed attempting to abscond from this facility.
ROSE: And I am, in fact, without any useable weapons.
TERLOCK: Oh dear Orpheus.
TERLOCK: Did you forget to check them for weapons?
HADES: What? I already did, they didnât have anything!
HADES: I canât believe this.
HADES: I swear I had it!
HADES: Iâm so sorry I lost your precious ring, Terlock!
TERLOCK: Oh itâs no matter.
TERLOCK: I stole it from your father anyway, remember?
HADES: Oh... that makes me feel even worse...
HADES: He would be so ashamed of me right now.
TERLOCK: Oh, put on your big boy pants and get over it.
TERLOCK: The ring didnât work properly anyway.
HADES: Uh. Terlock?
ROSE: Is something the matter?
ROSE: Why are you shaking your head at me?
ROSE: Very well. Suit yourself. You stay here and I will take a look around.
LIZ: Take a left at the next weird alien tree then get mauled by more space geckos?! I DON'T THINK SO!!!
LIZ: You know running off by ourselves was a pretty dumb idea.
VRISKA: You picked a 8ad time to start acting all cocky.
VRISKA: I didnât ask for you to come along, so stop harassing me.
VRISKA: Letâs just keep running like our lives depend on it.
VRISKA: Which might just 8e the case, for you at least! Have fun with your fragile mortality.
LIZ: Right. 0_0
LIZ: Wait, what do you mean âfor me at least?â
LIZ: Yeah OK, donât answer me and keep being all mysterious about that. Thatâs cool, I guess.
VRISKA: Oh come on, these guys donât drop any loot. Let's get the fuck out of here already!
LIZ: Get ready to kick more lizard butt.
ZELGORATH: i will
The wild alien fainted. Zelgorath earned 9000 EXP points.
LIZ: GO! ATTACK!
LIZ: YOU SHOW THAT DUMB LIZARD WHO'S BOSS!
VRISKA: OH MY FUUUUUUUUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: KILL IT!!!!!!!!
LIZ: Hold on!
GAMZEE: we can try your little plan.
GAMZEE: WAS GETTING TIRED OF THAT EMPRESS AND THE HEMOSPECTRUM BEING ALL UP AND REMADE.
GAMZEE: i believe in a world where all kinds of blood is shed equally.
NERO: Oh, and one more condition, a show of good faith on my part.
NERO: Though I cannot do much for the condition of your fallen leader, I will see to it the continued survival of the brother you hold in such high regards.
NERO: Consider it an act of divine providence on my part.
NERO: Now do you realize why it is so important you serve me?
NERO: Cristyle acts of her own will much too often, and makes violent and rash decisions.
NERO: Oh how it vexes me she sees it fit to do these things in my name when I want no part of it.
NERO: I did not order the attack on your planet, nor would I go about it in such a dishonorable method.
NERO: I only conquer out of necessity.
NERO: Your people are strong, to see them wiped off of the universe and cast into doom would be most regrettable.
NERO: Which is why I am so willing to accept the both of you amongst my ranks, despite your flagrant disrespect.
NERO: You are the most highest of your species correct?
NERO: Then you should be the one to act as their arbiter, here and now, agree with me towards peaceful cooperation to build a new future together.
NERO: Where the strong survive, and the world is shaped by them.
NERO: Weak species have no part to fester and brood in our new world.
GAMZEE: touched my motherfucking pump biscuit
GAMZEE: EVEN IF IT WAS ALL A MOTHERFUCKING LIE
GAMZEE: i cant help but notice
GAMZEE: ITâS SO QUIET AROUND YOU
GAMZEE: ainât no more voices whispering in my ears
GAMZEE: AINâT NO MORE MOTHERFUCKING CORRUPTION BREATHING INTO MY THOUGHTS
GAMZEE: i think i got my witness on to the first real miracle in my life
GAMZEE: BUT I CANâT ALL UP AND GET MY UNDERSTAND ON AS TO WHY YOU WOULD HURT BOTH MY BROTHERS
GAMZEE: serving you after that would be the highest of heresies most foul
NERO: The eye of the universe, a black hole which came in alignment with the planet once a millenia is where Eurydice, his lover had fallen.
NERO: The ancient shinobi belief of hell lied there.
NERO: Orpheus took his lyre in hand, and began playing his most sorrowful memory.
NERO: The planet itself, as well as all of its inhabitants cried enough tears to form a river.
NERO: He sailed down it with the help of Charon, and sang this melody.
NERO: Eurydice agreed to come with him, but upon one condition: that he would not look back at her as she followed him, until they had reached the upper world. She feared that he would cease to love her upon viewing what she had become in the underworld, with all of time and sin boring down on her mind and body. So the two passed through the great doors, and up the river which swept them out of the darkness, climbing up and up. He knew that she must be just behind him, but he longed unutterably to give one glance to make sure. But now they were almost there, the blackness of void softening with light; now he had stepped out joyfully into the daylight. Then he turned to her.
NERO: It was too soon.
NERO: One step away from exiting hell she was still a terrifying demon, he dropped his lyre to the ground and watched it split.
NERO: A moment later he realized his mistake and held out his arms to clasp her, but on the instant she was gone.
NERO: All he heard was one faint word, farewell.
NERO: Desperately he tried to run after her, but with a broken lyre he could compose no more melodies, the tears dried up and his bridge vanished.
NERO: Left alone he wandered for the rest of his days, playing tragic melodies that brought utter despair on those who happened to hear.
NERO: With his last song composed before his death, he foretold that with his failure, his world would come to an eventual end. That right before that end, he and his love would be reborn once again as mortals to herald the shinobi race beyond the dying stars of this universe, away far into the void until they found a new home. A paradise planet.
NERO: And when they achieved that, Orpheus would return to his godhood, and his people would sing nothing but happy melodies.
NERO: You see, I am his reincarnation.
NERO: I am the new god of this universe.
NERO: Now do you understand?
NERO: So the morning star fell.
NERO: He was reborn as Orpheus, the savior of our people.
NERO: He taught honor in a different way though, not through the blade, but by touching the souls of others.
NERO: He let others hear the music in his ears, and share with him the music in his soul.
NERO: An ungodly talented musician, and truly the height of the tiny artistic culture that our society holds, his music could make the rocks weep, the grass sing along, and once savage creatures begin to dance around him in absolute bliss.
NERO: With every song the hard hearts of shinobi were softened, and soon he began to spin great melodies depicting great tales of the most noble heroes, their adventures and values, their chivalry and honor was left in the souls of all those who listened.
NERO: As he traveled, he eventually began to be recognized as a god of inspiration, of hope. His muse brought that which the shinobi needed most of all. He gave them meaning, to validate their existence, and the motivation to strive for more.
NERO: As he took his rightful position as the first king of a planetwide empire, a falling star on the day of his coronation reminded Orpehus of someone he had left behind. The one who granted him his new life. Every moment he did not play his music, his most beloved cried out in pain, still stabbed by the sins committed by those who turned away from him.
NERO: He hatched a plan to save her.
NERO: The peaceful morning star had created a people of bloodthirsty cutthroats, who sought nothing more than to wage war with each other.
NERO: Like being stabbed with a million rose thorns at once, he felt it, the pinpricks of their sin.
NERO: Every drop of blood he shed into the stars, he did in the name of continued survival of his creation.
NERO: He tried to bear it for their sake, but the pain was so intense, the grief, the rage, the pure dishonor of it all, a mortal soul was too much for a god who does not know of good and evil to bear.
NERO: It corrupted him.
NERO: Unable to remain a god, he was given a choice.
NERO: Wipe out his creation and start anew.
NERO: Or descend into devilry, let the corruption take him whole so he could become a dark star, a demon fitting for the sins of his people.
NERO: The god had a lover, a goddess just like him, who loved both him and his people.
NERO: She sacrificed herself to give him a third option, to abandon godhood and be born among mortal flesh, to rule them and better their ways and when honor had been reclaimed, ascend to heaven to take her place.
NERO: When he was a god he had no name.
NERO: But he shone like the brightest star in the sky.
NERO: His creations were in awe of his brilliance. They named him, The Morning Star.
NERO: But more in awe was the god of them, his wonderful denizens.
NERO: He loved them so, he agreed to shoulder the burden of their monstrous ways.
JOHN: i got you some cake!
JOHN: well i didn't make it myself but that's besides the point
JOHN: also we didn't have a lot of candles so i just stuck eight on top
JOHN: i know it's cliche for you at this point but considering what our silly adventure is about i thought it made sense
JOHN: thanks for sticking with us all this time!
LIZ: So I heard you like Pokemon!
LIZ: That's great because I like Pokemon too but you already know that don't you?
LIZ: Look, I brought you a present! I picked out a Lucario from my collection but don't worry it's just a duplicate.
LIZ: I would have bought you the new Pokemon game instead but I'm kind of broke and you probably already have it anyway.
LIZ: Oh hey, we should battle sometime! With a version we both have of course. I brought my DS and everything!
LIZ: Oh right the party. We'll hang out afterward, if that's okay?
VRISKA: It's getting pretty friggin cold outside so I went and got you a ton of scarves!
VRISKA: ........I'm not gonna lie, I slacked a lil 8it on my gift.
VRISKA: See, where I come from we don't usually cele8rate mundane occasions like a "8irth day" so I kind of didn't know I was supposed to get a present until like two days ago.
VRISKA: Hey don't look at me like that! It's 8etter than nothing, right?
VRISKA: I swear I would have looked for something 8etter if I had more time.
VRISKA: I mean, for all you've done to keep me and John together for this long, a fancy present is the least you deserve for your trou8le!
VRISKA: Thanks a 8unch, Mariah. I mean it!
NERO: Allow me to recount to you the story of my godhood, as you do seem quite hopeless at the moment.
NERO: This is also the story of the original god, ruler of the old world of the shinobi before they made such a decaying, irradiated wasteland of it.
NERO: Let me demonstrate to you my power.
GAMZEE: YOU DONE AND MANIPULATED ALL THE PEOPLE OF MY WORLD TO THEIR EVENTUAL DOOM
GAMZEE: BECAUSE THAT AINâοΏ½οΏ½T NO GOD
GAMZEE: I LEARNED A GOD IS BENEVOLENT
GAMZEE: all you will ever be
GAMZEE: IS THE MOTHERFUCKING DEVIL
GAMZEE: ONLY MOTHERUFCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHO ALL I WAS MADE OUT TO MOTHERFUCKING BE ALL A MOTHERFUCKING LONG
GAMZEE: been kicking the motherfucking ignorance on this shit
GAMZEE: BEEN SLAUGHTERING THE WICKED IGNORANCE BRO
GAMZEE: and i ainât gonna be nobodyâs tool anymore
GAMZEE: MY DESTINY WASNâT TO ALL UP AND SLAUGHTER AND SUBBJUGGLATE MY FRIENDS
GAMZEE: but to motherfucking slaughter and subbbjugglate at the behest of my friends
GAMZEE: AINâT NOT PLOT DEVICE BUT A MOTHERFUCKING MAIN CHARACTER
NERO: Is that so? What ignorance have you deemed worthy of slaughter.
GAMZEE: NOT ONLY DID YOU FRAME MY BROTHER OF CANDY BLOOD
GAMZEE: but your people done and sewn the seeds of war
GAMZEE: DONE AND MURDERED UP MY OLD BEST BRO
GAMZEE: saw his corpse myself with those perfectly pursed lips running down with shitblood
GAMZEE: couldnât believe i was getting my see on this a second time
GAMZEE: even as fucking high as i am cant even change one thing about these things the miracle known as fate cursed up and all on us
GAMZEE: teared up a little bit until i figured my shit out
GAMZEE: saw it in the corner of mine eyes and decided to pursue justice on this grand conspiracy
GAMZEE: ALL UP AND ENGINEERED BY YOUR MIRACULOUS HO-TITTY NINJA BITCH
NERO: How can you stand in my presence and not attest to such a claim, I-
GAMZEE: shut up.
NERO: Excuse me?
GAMZEE: i said.
GAMZEE: SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP.
NERO: I see.
GAMZEE: he heh.
GAMZEE: done up and gotten told
GAMZEE: IâM ALL ABOUT THE WICKED NEWS, MOTHERFUCKER
GAMZEE: revelations to be had are many
GAMZEE: HERE I STAND ON THE PRECIPICE OF THE END OF ALL EXISTENCES
GAMZEE: the greatest motherfucking reckoning ever to be seen
GAMZEE: ABANDON EVERYTHING I HAD FOR THAT MOMENT
GAMZEE: for the dream of the paradise planet which done up and proved to be the lie of some slime guzzling poor saps and i drank it like the wickedest of elixirs
GAMZEE: SHIT WAS MOTHERFUCKING POISON
GAMZEE: it rots you.
GAMZEE: AND RUSTS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING THINKPAN
GAMZEE: and the floor all up and stares back at you through the hole.
GAMZEE: BUT THERE IS NO HOLE NOW.
GAMZEE: there was only two mirthful messiahs
GAMZEE: AND THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING GONE
GAMZEE: or maybe they arent
GAMZEE: i finally realize
GAMZEE: ALL ALONG IT WAS ME.
GAMZEE: and also motherfucking me.
GAMZEE: AND NOW.
GAMZEE: and motherfucking now.
GAMZEE: FOR THE FIRST TIME.
GAMZEE: iâm completely in control.
GAMZEE: let me tell you its the most bitchtits ninjalacious thing i ever had the miraculous joy of experiencing.
GAMZEE: AND YOU EXPECT ME TO ALL UP AND HAND MY FATE OFF TO ANOTHER FALSE GOD?
NERO: Itâs the kind of death you are going to pray for if you fail to pay heed to me.
GAMZEE: death is no longer a part of my fate
GAMZEE: THREATS LIKE THAT WONâT SHAKE ME
NERO: Ridiculous folly, everything dies.
NERO: Maybe stabbing or evisceration wonât do you in, but Iâm sure when you dissolve to nothing but the most basic protein strips of genetic code and fed to future soldiers in the cloning pits, your claims of immortality will die with you.
GAMZEE: weâse willing to get our listen on.
NERO: You say a departed god is whispering in your ear, well then listen close, because a living god who is standing right in front of you is about to drown out his words.
NERO: Instead of death in a manner most gruesome, I wish to offer you a place within my forces, doing the most dignified job of serving me, your new god.
NERO: I used to have so much mercy towards ignorant cowards and their blathering.
NERO: This is your warning.
NERO: I have no more care for such words.
NERO: You two will cooperate with me, or suffer the consequences. Which shall it be?
NERO: Now, how do two foreigners know of my peopleâs involvement in your universe?
GAMZEE: i know a little bit of
GAMZEE: FUCKING EVERYTHING MAN.
GAMZEE: i hear it.
GAMZEE: HEâS SPEAKING TO ME NOW EVEN WHEN HEâS DEAD.
GAMZEE: i try to ignore him, stay quiet and wait until the perfect opportunity to strike.
GAMZEE: BUT THEN YOU ALL UP AND FRAMED MY BLOOD BROTHER.
GAMZEE: for the crime most heinous.
GAMZEE: I AINâT GOT NO CHOICE BUT TO MOVE.
GAMZEE: start spreading myself and my influence around like corrupting poison sifting through the lifeblood of reality.
GAMZEE: LIKE MOTHERFUCKING CYANIDE.
GAMZEE: what business is it of yours?
NERO: Itâs rare that fugitives are brought before the emperor, consider yourselves honored.
GAMZEE: i ainât considering myself nothing.
NERO: You could consider yourself unwise as well.
NERO: Whatever you planned sneaking aboard one of my spaceships, be warned now that youâre under my thrall.
NERO: If I donât like your plan, it will end.
GAMZEE: i be all getting my interest on.
GAMZEE: your people were honorable to the point of indolence.
GAMZEE: you seem to be something new.
GAMZEE: YOU THINK YOU CAN DECLARE WAR ON MY MOTHERFUCKING BROTHERS?
GAMZEE: you think you can take what you want
GAMZEE: CAUSE OF A MOTHERFUCKING CROWN ON YOUR HEAD
GAMZEE: brother you may get your thinkpan on to being king.
GAMZEE: BUT YOUâRE NOTHING MORE THAN A FOOL.
CRISTYLE: Of course, my lord.
CRISTYLE: But please note that they put up quite the fight. Do not let your guard down!
NERO: I understand.
CRISTYLE: So you can add vandalism onto their list of charges.
CRISTYLE: I hope you have a fitting torture for these two creatures who think they can try and sneak under our radar and cause trouble!
NERO: Cristyle, it is very impulsive to jump to conclusions and deliver punishment without getting all the details first.
CRISTYLE: Oh. Yes. Of course!
CRISTYLE: Thank you for reminding me.
SOLLUX: we are about two fiind out who the kiiller ii2
SOLLUX: 2poiiler allert: iit totally wont be karkat and thii2 huge wa2te of tiime wiill be overwiith and kankrii can go home and be a2hamed of hiim2elf
SOLLUX: yup, a2 expected meenah i2 by heer2elf and ii2 headiing to the balcony
SOLLUX: aww a cat
SOLLUX: how cute
KANKRI: What, are you g9ing t9 try and 6lame the cat f9r Meenahâs death instead of Karkat?
KANKRI: Not only is that 96surd, it is insulting that you would waste 9ur time with such things, this is seri9us 6usiness!
SOLLUX: no, we wiill fiind out the real kiiller 2oon. ii have one more tape to scroll through
SOLLUX: here we go
SOLLUX: a2 you can 2ee thii2 ii2 the a22hole we all know and love walkiing two go meet with meenah, nothiin out of the ordiinary here
KANKRI: I find this narrati9n t9 6e questi9na6le at 6est, perhaps we sh9uld engage in this interpretati9n 9f events t9gether, theref9re 69th 9f 9ur individual 6iases will 6alance 9ut.
SOLLUX: no, 2hhh crabby
SOLLUX: you had your turn
SOLLUX: lucky you have a troll who can whiip the2e thiing2 up for you
TEREZI: Y3S, W3 G3T 1T SOLLUX, YOUR T3CHNOLOGY 1S 4M4Z1NG, NOW W1LL YOU G3T ON W1TH 1T?
SOLLUX: check thii2 cool shiit out
SOLLUX: iit2 a portable viideo projector that fiit2 iin the palm of your hand
SOLLUX: but ii thiink you saiid weâre only allowed to use real eviidence iin2tead of
whatever riidiiculous a22hat 2hiit that pa22e22 through your liip2. becau2e your 2peeche2 make kkâ2 diiatriibe2 2eem coherent by compari2on
KARKAT: WHOO. SICK BURNS. FEEL THOSE HOT IRONS OF OPPRESSION WRAP AROUND YOUR BODY AND BURN IT YOU ASS, KANKRI. I HOPE YOUâRE FEELING IT GOOD.
SOLLUX: dont joiin iin kk iim iin2ultiing you two
KARKAT: IS THIS REALLY THE TIME?
SOLLUX: iit2 alway2 the tiime kk
KARKAT: NO ITâS FUCKING NOT, MY LIFE COULD BE ON THE LINE HERE, AND YOUR PISSING AROUND WITH SILLY BANTER!!!
SOLLUX: kk 2creaming like a liitle biitch wont 2olve anythiing. thank2 to me, though, you dont need two do anythiing really. iive been workiing on a 2ecuriity 2y2tem iin ca2e of tavros faiiliing to do hiis godamn job
KANRKI: Watch y9urself, insulting the c9mpetence 9f a cy69rg like Tavr9s c9uld result in 9ffense t9wards cy69ena6led individuals, 9r 9ffense t9wards pe9ple wh9 were f9rmerly handicapa6le.
SOLLUX: my turn to talk
SOLLUX: ii thiink your iimbeciiliic 2peeche2 took up enough allotted tiime for 2 whole courtblock ca2e2
SOLLUX: ju2t 2ettle your thiink pan
SOLLUX: thatâ2 a good boy
KANKRI: 9kay fine, 6ut n9 m9re insults just play the tape s9 I can 6e pr9ven right.
VITULA: ~He dragged us out here for this?~
VITULA: ~Dude, the guy is innocent, and mister red sweater guy is grasping at straws!~
VITULA: ~Can you believe this?~
VITULA: ~I think that sweater guy is dangerous.~
VITULA: ~Iâd be willing to bet HE killed them, not that other guy.~
VITULA: ~Ugh I just wanna go home, this is freaking me out.~
DARESS: woah you need to calm down little buddy
DARESS: all we have to do is decide the fate of this guy, and then we can go home
DARESS: itâs no big deal
VITULA: ~Yeah but, what if we mess something up?~
VITULA: ~What if he gets executed, and something goes horribly wrong and WE get hurt. Like, they fire an arrow at him and miss. And then I end up sitting here with an arrow in my face!~
DARESS: woah. Iâm sure everything will be fine, man.
DARESS: they have this under control.
SVARII: o3< yeah, viTula. everyThing will be fine!
SVARII: o3< that guy is obviously innocenT, and there is no solid evidence against him so far!
SVARII: o3< nobody is gonna be execuTed Today.
VITULA: ~Ok, well then why donât you pay attention to what they are saying instead of scribbling away in that little notebook so we donât mess this up!!!~
SVARII: o3< :P
KANKRI: With all 9f th9se fact9rs int9 acc9unt, the m9st likely scenari9 is f9ll9wed. Karkat went t9 meet Meenah, and s9mep9int in their discussi9n as Karkat d9es n9t practice the same meth9d 9f peaceful deli6erati9n I teach, a p9wer struggle came d9wn t9 6l9ws. Karkat s9meh9w w9n the 6attle, which is a little 6it 9f a stretch admittedly, 6ecause he is far weaker and m9re miniscule then Meenah and is h9peless in m9st c9m6at situati9ns. Als9 at s9me p9int during this time, Tavr9s attempted t9 intervene, serving his duty as a guard 9f 9ur castle. Unf9rtanately he is terri6le at m9st everything s9 his n96le eff9rts were cut d9wn relatively quick, 6y the curved 6lade of Karkatâs sickle.
Karkat after impaling Meenah 9n her 9wn trident, and likely thr9wing her c9rpse 9ff the edge of the balc9ny int9 the water 6el9w where it w9uld be difficult t9 retrieve f9r incrimminati9n against him, then impaling Tavr9s with his signature weap9n and then leaving said weap9n 6ehind 96vi9usly as a calling card, fled the scene of the crime t9 leave a message in his 9wn 6l99d, and then again returned t9 the scene 9f the crime t9 6e redisc9vered andâ¦â¦..
Yes this all makes perfect sense in c9ntinuity if y9u take a step 6ack and analyze it, which is the j96 9f the jury and n9t me, the pr9secuti9n.
KARKAT: TL; DR: SOMEONE KILLED MEENAH WITH HER TRIDENT, AND SOMEONE STOLE MY SICKLE AND KILLED TAVROS. YET THERE IS NO FUCKING SOLID EVIDENCE IT WAS ME, AND KANKRI IS A MANIAC.
KANKRI: KARKAT! Please, d9nât interupt the pr9secuti9n. Y9u will have y9ur turn!
6y 9ne 9f 9ur m9st trustw9rthy mem6ers, th9ugh, he is kn9wn t9 6e a little attenti9n deficit, the 9ne thing Cr9nus w9uld never attempt due t9 his amazing strength 9f character is t9 talk me 9ut 9f my pursuit 9f justice, which in this case must 6e swift, f9rceful, and acc9mplished thr9ugh l9ng discussi9n and n9nvi9lent means, and n9 th9se are n9t c9ntradict9ry ideas rather c9mplimetary. We will make a well th9ught 9ut decisi9n immediately, 6ecause the evidence is right in fr9nt 9f 9ur eyes.
KANKRI: The tw9 murder weap9ns rec9vered fr9m the scene 9f the crime, with n9 attempt made 6y the accused t9 hide them. This p9int quite well d9vetails int9 an9ther p9int I was g9ing t9 reserve f9r a later time 6ecause it is a 6it 9f a digressi9n, 6ut it is servica6le en9ugh n9w, the fact that the last kn9wn c9ntact 9f the victim, Meenah Peixes, was Aranea Serket, her cl9se friend wh9 is s9 96vi9usly deeply m9urning her death right n9w. Aranea is s9 96vi9usly n9t the murder, if y9u sh9wed me direct evidence 9f Aranea Serket sta66ing Meenah Peixes I w9uld 6elieve it was s9me duplicate, 9r p9ssi6ly a charlatan h9ax. Anyway, as Aranea is eliminated, the 9ther last t9 see Meenah was n9ne 9ther than Karkat Vantas. Th9ugh I am n9t technically a6le t9 give testim9ny 6ecause I am the pr9secut9r, theref9re I must ask these w9rds 6e stricken fr9m the rec9rd and definitely d9 n9t under any circumstances c9nsider them further evidence t9 incrimminate the accused, 6ut I watched fr9m afar Karkat and Meenah share a c9nversati9n in a frustrated state 9n the nature 9f leadership, and then make a pr9mise t9 meet later t9 further hammer 9ut their 9ptions. H9wever, instead 9f a hammer, Karkat 6r9ught t9 this meeting a sickle. Ign9ring c9mpletely my well f9und w9rds 9f advice 9ffered t9 him 9ut 9f my m9st n96le 9f hearts that he c9nsider 9ur place 9utside 9f the hem9spectrum and remain neutral in all leadership p9licies, acting as m9re 9f a guiding f9rce, spiritually, then an 9utright auth9ritative 69dy. I w9uld digress t9 my thesis 9n p9litical the9ry and c9l9rs, which I like t9 call, actually the title is t99 9ng f9r this c9ntext I am just g9ing t9 redirect attenti9n 6ack t9 the evidence.
KARKAT: NOT GUILTY, YOU FUCKTENTACLED NOOK SLURPING HORNFUCKER.
KANKRI: Karkat, please, this is hardly the time f9r y9ur immature and 9ffending diatri6es. I am afraid y9u may trigger s9me69dy.
The questi9n we face is the inn9cence 9r guilt 9f Karkat Vantas. Accused 9f murdering Meenah Peixes, and Tavr9s Nitram. Murder 9f high captain 9f the guard and Empress is treas9n en9ugh 9n itâs 9wn right, 6ut Karkat is als9 accused 9f c9nspiracy t9 seize the thr9ne due t9 his 9wn lustings f9r p9wer, and privilege 9f his mutant 6l99dcaste misguiding him 9n the ways 9f 9ur s9ciety.
TEREZI: BUT R1GHT NOW W3 N33D TO F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO GET YOU OUT OF TH1S M3SS.
TEREZI: 1T SHOULDNT B3 TOO D1FF1CULT B3C4US3 W3 4LLR43DY KNOW YOUR3 1NNOC3NT TH3 B1GG3ST HURDL3 W1LL B3 CONV1NC1NG THOS3 GOOFY LOOK1NG TROLL âJURYâ
TEREZI: 1M WORR13D K4NKR1 M1GHT H4V3 BR1B3D TH3M OR SOM3TH1NG
SOLLUX: that guy ha2 2ome 2eriiou2 nerve accu2iing you of murder
SOLLUX: ii mean look at you kk
SOLLUX: you can barely kiill the bug2 that wander iintwo your re2piitblock wiithout calliing for help
KARKAT: THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKING SOLLUX, OUR FRIENDS JUST DIED.
TEREZI: SOLLUX D1D YOU BR1NG TH3 V1D3OS?
SOLLUX: dont worry kk, we got viideo2 of everythiing goiing on iin the ca2tle
SOLLUX: there ii2 no way kankrii can refute tho2e
SOLLUX: well 2ee who the kiiller ii2 and thii2 wiill all be over
TEREZI: YOU D1DNT LOOK 4T TH3 T4P3S B3FOR3 H4ND?
SOLLUX: no, ii had all of two 2econd2 two gather them you thiink ii had tiime two 2croll through hour2 worth of footage
TEREZI: F1N2 WH4T2V2R
TEREZI: JUST G3T TH3M R34DY TO SHOW.
KARKAT: THEY WERE MY FRIENDS!!!
KARKAT: I BARELY HAD TIME TO GRIEVE FOR THEM BEFORE I GOT WHISKED AWAY TO THIS BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH IâVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO IN THE SPAN OF LIKE AN HOUR?
KARKAT: ITâS KIND OF FUCKING IMPORTANT SO CLEAN THE WAX OUT OF YOUR EARS AND LISTEN UP.
KARKAT: YOUâVE BEEN WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME SINCE I WAS FOUND UNCONSCIOUS NEAR MEENAHâS OFFICE.
KARKAT: HAS ANYBODY EVER STOPPED TO ASK THEMSELVES, HOW IN FUCKING HELL AM I INVOLVED IN THIS.
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU SHOULD GET ME OUT OF THESE HOT IRONS RIGHT NOW I TELL YOU IâM STARTING TO FEEL THEM BURN MY WRISTS.
KARKAT: LAST TIME I CHECKED I WAS DESPERATELY IN NEED OF A HOSPITALIZER, BUT YOU KNOW, LETâS GO THROWING AROUND ACCUSATIONS AT PEOPLE WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY INNOCENT AND PUT THEM UP ON DISPLAY IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY ELSE SO THEY CAN ALL SEE WHAT A GLORIOUS FUCKUP I AM.
KARKAT: ALL WHILE I AM ABOUT TO KEEL OVER IN PAIN, AND MEENAHâS REAL KILLER IS LAUGHING AT THE FACT THAT THEY GOT OFF SCOTT FREE WHILE I BECOME THE SCAPEGOAT.
KARKAT: GOOD JOB ASSHOLES.
TEREZI: 4S MUCH 4S 1T P41NS M3 TO AGR33 W1TH K4RK4TâS 1NC3SS4NT WH1N1NG
TEREZI: TH1S 1S SO COMPLETE 1N 1TS R1D1CULOUSNESS TH4T H1S WH1N1NG P4L3S 1N COMP4R1SON
TEREZI: M33N4H M1GHT ST1LL B3 4L1V3, 3V3N 1F SH3âS NOT TH3 BODY W1LL PROV1D3 MOR3 3V1D3NC3 TO TH3 MURD3R
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 1NT3RRUPT1NG MY MOCK 1NV3ST1G4T1ON G4M3S H3R3 DO YOU H4V3 4NY 1D34 HOW 1MPORT4NT MY STUFFED 4N1M4LS 4R3 TO TH3 PROC3SS OF JUST1C3
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF BULLSHIT, SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME KANKRI DOESNâT HAVE ACTUAL INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE AGAINST ME.
TEREZI: WHO 3V3N KNOWS H3âS PROB4BLY JUST D3LUS1ON4L
TEREZI: BUT H3 D1D S33 SOM3TH1NG THAT CONV1NC3D H1M OF YOUR GU1LT 4ND K4NKR1 1S STUBBORN ABOUT H1S OP1N1ONS.
KANKRI: Murder is murder, regardless 9f my attachment t9 them. And I will n9t all9w it t9 9ccur with9ut punishment.
TEREZI: WH4T THE FUCK 1S 4 JURY
TEREZI: OH, POOR N3P3TA. LOOK WH4T YOUâV3 DON3 TO H3R...
KANRKI: This jury 9f rand9mly selected Alternian citizens will decide the fate 9f my dancest9r. All y9u have t9 d9 is c9nvince them 9f his inn9cence, and he will 6e set free. H9wever, if they see that he is guilty, then they will decide his punishment.
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL
TEREZI: TH1S DO3SNâT M4K3 4NY S3NS3
TEREZI: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO H1S HONOUR4BL3 TYR4NNY WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH3 PROS3CUT1ON???
KANKRI: The pr9secuti9n still exists, 6ut it is n9t the s9le c9mp9nent 9f this c9urt r99m. Y9u see, 9n 6ef9rus, c9urtr99ms were much more civil than your.. 6ar6aric c9unterpart t9 justice.
TEREZI: W41T SO 1NST34D OF PROS3CUT1ON... 1 H4V3 TO DO TH3 3X4CT OPPOS1T3? 4R3 YOU COMPL3T3LY 1NS4N3?
KANKRI: Yes. Pr9ve his inn9cence, Terezi, if y9u can. H9wever, I am sure y9u will find that the pr9spect 9f defending a murderer is quite futile. Crime is always rewarded with a justified punishment.
TEREZI: 1TâS UNFORTUN4T3 HOW R3L3V4NT TH1S N3XT QU3ST1ON 1S BUT
TEREZI: WHO D13D 4ND PUT YOU 1N CH4RG3 OF M4K1NG UP COURTROOM RUL3S?
KANKRI: Me and a gr9up 9f 69th Alternian and 6ef9ran tr9lls v9ted f9r this system.
TEREZI: OK F1N3.
TEREZI: BUT WHAT 1S WITH TH4T S1LLY 4SS CROWN.
KANKRI: I find that it suits my l99k.
TEREZI: OK YOU SLIMY W34SELB34ST.
TEREZI: WH4T IS YOUR R34L PL4N H3R3.
TEREZI: DARE YOU
TEREZI: K4RK4T 1S YOUR OWN BLOOD
TEREZI: 4ND YOU TURN3D ON H1M B4S3D ON UNJUST1F13D SUSP1C1ON
TEREZI: TH4T K1ND OF B3H4V1OR M4K3S M3 S1CK TO MY STOM4CH
KANKRI: St9p yelling at me, Terezi. I kn9w what I have initiated is justified. Y9u kn9w what makes ME sick t9 my st9mach? I gave an h9nest eff9rt t9 teach Karkat here t9 6e a pr9per citizen in this empire, and he turned 9n every9ne and killed tw9 9f his 9wn friends in c9ld 6l99d. It w9uld 6e shameful 9f me n9t t9 take acti9n. What Karkat has d9ne is unaccepta6le!
TEREZI: OH G3T OFF YOUR H1GH MUSCL3B34ST 4ND STOP 4CT1NG L1K3 YOU OWN H1M
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 NO 3V1D3NC3 TH4T K4RK4T D1D 4NYTH1NG WRONG
KANKRI: I have plenty 9f evidence that suggest it was Karkat wh9 killed them. I saw him taunting me with my 9wn tw9 eyes! It was like he had planned this 9ut in s9me c9nv9luted scheme and was ru66ing it in my face.
TEREZI: (oh gog when w1ll he shut up)
KANKRI: What triggers me the m9st is that I canât figure 9ut why he is d9ing this. Why w9uld he tip me 9ff a69ut his crimes? He is clearly planning s9mething dia69lical and must 6e st9pped!
TEREZI: B3C4US3 TH3R3 1S NO R34SON!
TEREZI: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y K4RK4T WOULD H4V3 K1LL3D M33N4H OR T4VROS. H3 C4N B4R3LY K1LL 4N 1MP W1THOUT G3TT1NG UPS3T
TEREZI: B3S1D3S W3 DONâT 3V3N KNOW 1F M33N4H 1S D34D
KANKRI: Either way, she was assaulted with the intenti9n 9f murder, and Karkat is 9ur s9le suspect. If you truly 6elieve that Karkat is inn9cent, you may step up and defend him.
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON TH3R3 1S NO W4Y YOUR3 GO1NG TO CH4NG3 YOUR STUBBORN 4SS M1ND 4BOUT H1M YOUR3 JUST GONN4 T4LK OUR 34RS OFF W1THOUT L3TT1NG 4NY ON3 SL1P 1N 4 COMM3NT YOUR3 JUST GO1NG TO GO 4H34D W1TH M4K1NG H1M T4K3 TH3 BL4M3 R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T 1 S4Y
KANKRI: It isnât me y9u have t9 c9nvince, h9wever.
ROSE: Even though the vast majority of the time her stubbornness proves to be the detriment of others, I cannot help but find it a little enviable.
ROSE: In a way that makes me hate her more, because after all the pain sheâs caused and how carelessly she disregards others who donât fit into her ridiculous little schemes.
ROSE: Sheâs not the villain I want to cast her as in this grand tragedy, merely another well meaning but severely flawed individual like myself.
ROSE: She is a lot like myself.
ROSE: She has, a trait which, I used to believe I had.
ROSE: That stubbornness, I once made a great speech about how magic was real and I would make a game that was unwinnable, winnable for our session.
ROSE: But when it all blew up in my face.
ROSE: I saw all my flaws laid out in front of me, and I realized just how messed up I was.
ROSE: But I could not take another step forward after that, for fear of screwing up to such an extent again.
ROSE: That simply by being me, I would be putting the lives of all those who mattered most, my friends, at risk.
ROSE: So I just hid it, buried everything I was, all of my failures of the past plus added to my apprehensions to the future into a foul, void smelling substance.
ROSE: I ran away, and only because I was one of the chosen heroes, and because my friends care for me more than I deserve, I was given chance after chance to sober up and finally continue forward.
ROSE: That stupid troll got none of those chances, reality refused to bend over for her, and yet somehow.
ROSE: She managed to survive to this point.