AlterniaFM
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24/02/12
"==>"

[Well, that was rather pointless.]

[It appears that Kafei is having a bit of a personal crisis at the moment, so would you rather go back to being Dave, or would you like to see how our good friend Karkat is doing?]

24/02/12
"==>"

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

24/02/12
"==>"

Looking into the pond, you notice that your reflection is a lot smaller than you remember.

24/02/12
"Kafei: Now that you have bathed and are on dry land again, begin wondering about where you are or how you got here."

You ask the frog if he knows the way to Clock Town. The frog tells you he's never heard of it, and even if he did he has more important things to do than give directions to some snot-nosed kid who'se mother apparently really, really wanted him to be a girl.

You take objection to that statement on a number of levels. First and foremost, how dare he criticize your masculinity; all the men in your family dress this way and your mother loves you very much. Second, how dare he call you a child; you are nearly 21 years old, and while you may be a bit of a MAMA'S BOY most people would be hard-pressed to call you anything other than a-

24/02/12
"Kafei: Gasp for air, thank frog"

You kindly thank the frog for saving your life. In turn, the frog kindly tells you to go fuck off.

16/12/11
"Kafei: Be saved by Eridan."

GOG DAMNIT! Why is it that when the land-dwellers aren't skydiving, they're having illicit affairs with amphibians! Why can't they just to themselves?! I mean, this is what? The second time today some random kid just fell into your SECRET HIDING SPOT?

You toss the young girl(?) and her mate onto dry land, and once again vow to destroy the land dwellers at some point.

16/12/11
"==>"

16/12/11
"==>"

16/12/11
"==>"

16/12/11
"YOU KISS THAT BOY RIGHT NOW YOU HEAR ME SPADES"

GOG DAMNIT!

14/12/11
"Spades Slick: Oh great, they got you as well?"

YES, THEY DID, THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

I mean it's not as if you were being particularly subtle or anything. I mean how many other people wear this kind of haty? Not to mention the eyepatch. Was it too much to ask for whoever turned you to a frog to give you a working eye? Who even makes eyepatches this small? Or hats for that matter?

Oh yeah, and before anyone asks, you're not going to rescue that kid. Even though his bolated corpse would probably stink up your pond, the only way you could even remotely help would be to take a deep breath, swim down to the kid, and give him more air via a kiss. But that sounds way to silly, even for this OH GOD YOU'RE TYPING THAT RIGHT NOW ARN'T YOU?!

14/12/11
"...Funny, that pond looked a lot shallower before."

You can say that again. Turns out there's a whole network of underwater caves down here! Unfortunantly you're too busy DROWNING to explore any of them.

11/12/11
"==>"

It suddenly occurs to you that you don't know how to swim.

11/12/11
"Carve out your own lily pad from the landscape you are sitting on and challenge him to a float-off."

You get the feeling that the frog is holding out on you for some reason. Thankfully, your CLASSICAL EDUCATION has taught you that FROGS, like GENTLEMEN, cannot resist a duel. As such, you propose a FLOAT-OFF for the rights to the pond (as well as any secrets it may be hinding).

Normally, you could not hope to defeat a frog in a FLOAT-OFF. Frogs are simply the best there is.

BUT! With your BISHONEN ACUMEN, you might just be able to intimidate the amphibian into submission with your EXTREME MAN-GIRLYNESS!

11/12/11
"Ask it to teach you frog magic."

The frog tells you to stop being such a big palooka. There's no such thing as Frog Magic, he says, because if it was real, he would be doing fun stuff like EXTORTION or RACKETEERING, or at the very least anything (and I mean ANYTHING) other than sitting on a lilly pad eating flies all day.

06/12/11
"Go bathe, you are completely filthy."

For some reason, instead of wondering about where you are or how you got here, your first thought upon waking up is that you really need to take a bath. You HAD been sleeping on the ground, after all: who knows what kind of DISGUSTING INSECTS have been crawling over you, or what kind of DEBILITATING DISEASES they could have been carrying.

Unfortunately, the nearest body of water is being occupied by a VERY ANGRY LOOKING FROG. You're going to need to find a way to get past him if you want to take your bath in peace.

06/12/11
"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. WAKE UUUUUP!!"

You have now woken up.

06/12/11
"Kafei, only because his name sounds cool and I have no idea who he is."

You are now KAFEI DOUTOR, an ASPIRING ARTIST hailing from CLOCK TOWN, a city in the alternate dimension of TERMINA You are engaged to the beautiful Innkeeper ANJU, but have yet to wed her because your MOTHER disapproves of you MARRYING BELOW YOUR STATUS. You are PRETTY GOOD at DRAWING, SCULPTING, and PAINTING, but what you really want to do is break into the field of ARCHITECTURE (which, sadly, is something you are ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE at). You have also dabbled in the magical art of INVOCATION, though this isn't a particularly big deal; almost everyone back in Clock Town knows a bit of Invocation.

Currently you are in the middle of the LOST WOODS, sleeping next to a small pond. I would like to say that you are having TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THINGS TO COME, but in fact you are sleeping quite soundly.

06/12/11
"the ? guy."

[Um... let's hold off on that one for now. She... isn't particularly pleasant.]

30/11/11
"==>"

[There's no point in watching a fetch quest, so let's leave Dave for now and see what one of our other player characters are doing. You may choose between:

KARKAT VANTAS, who is in KAKARIKO VILLAGE.

or

KAFEI DOUTOR, who is currently in the LOST WOODS.
]

30/11/11
"Dave: Do what my strategy guide says."

21/11/11
"Tavros: Send them on some kind of pointless fetchquest."

"uHH, sORRY," you tell the pair. "bUT THE WAY AHEAD IS INFESTED WITH SOME KIND OF, uHH, sTRANGE CARNIVOROUS PLANT, eVEN IF YOU WERE ON, uHH, OFFICIAL BUISNESS, I COULDN'T LET YOU PASS UNLESS YOU HAVE BOTH A SWORD AND A SHIELD." There is a slight pause, and then you add, "uHH... iT WAS RUFIO'S IDEA, NOT MINE,"

"oh well can't say we didn't try." the boy says.

"now if you excuse me im going to abandon this pointless quest youre so eager put me on and go make shitloads of money by inventing something ironically anachronistic."

["Don't be so quick to give up."] the fairy says. ["You didn't even ask where you could find one."]

"look i dont know what planet you come from where people just leave swords lying around but its probably not here. i mean even if a metalworker lived here who could make non-crappy swords hed probably charge like a gazillion wampum or acorns or whatever shit these tree-hugging hippies like to use instead of dollars. and in order to get the money i need to buy the sword id need to find a job but first id need to become an apprentice so i can actually get good at the job i want to make money at and then i have to build my own shop and then i forgot the point i was making."

"uHH," you stammer "aCTUALLY, nOW THAT YOU MENTION IT I THINK, uHH, THE GREAT RUFIO MIGHT LET YOU BORROW HIS SWORD."

"sorry for not being familiar with imaginary friends you probably just made up on the spot, but who the hell is rufio??"

"hE'S OUR, uHH, cHIEF. hE LET YOU, uHH, bORROW HIS ROOM WHILE HE WENT OUT TO EXPLORE THE OLD TEMPLE IN THE WOODS." You reply. "aS i SAID, hE'D PROBABLY LET YOU BORROW HIS SWORD, uHH, hE SEEMS TOUGH BUT HE'S A PRETTY COOL GUY. hE FIGHTS SPIDERS AND DOESN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING." You are overcome with a short coughing fit. "i MEAN HE IS NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING. cUZ HES A COOL GUY. uHH, yOU GET THE POINT."

"assuming this is a real person its worth a shot i guess. What about the shield?"

"THAT, uHH, CREEPY YELLOW GUY WHO RUNS THE SHOP SELLS THEM. APPARENTLY THEY'RE REALLY POPULAR."

21/11/11
"Tavros: Be the least intimidating kokiri ever."

You waste no time in drawing your bow and pointing it at the fair-skinned outsider.

"h-hALT!" You stammer. "dON'T COME ANY CLOSER, oR i'LL, uHH, bE FORCED TO SUBDUE YOU UTILIZING, uHH, nON LETHAL METHODS!"

The outsider does not seem all that impressed. "oh gee." he says "i am literally quaking in my boots right now."

The fairy that was following the outsider gives a soft sigh. ["Please let us through, Tavros. We have an important meeting to get to, and would really appreciate it if you just let us through without sending us on some kind of pointless fetchquest..."]

21/11/11
"Dave: Just head to the Deku Tree already! John or someone will probably try to stop you or whatever."

Yep. Right on cue.

21/11/11
"Eridan: Tell Dave he can't enter the path to the Deku tree. No you won't let him through if he has a sword, he just isn't allowed to enter. At all."

ERIDAN is to busy defending the- OH SWEET JEGUS WE DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT! PUT ON A SHIRT OR SOMETHING!

...ugh...

Anyway, ERIDAN is too busy NOT WEARING A- I mean GUARDING ZORA'S SAPPHIRE. In any case, he is nowhere near Kokiri Forest, and even if he was he'd probably have more productive things to do, such as PROVING HIS DEVOTION TO THE PRINCESS WHOM HE IS ENGAGED TO or AHNILLATING ALL LAND-DWELLERS. But he's saving that last one for the honeymoon.

21/11/11
"Bro: Be guarding the Deku Tree. Only a dude with a sufficiently awesome sword may enter!"

BRO is too busy limping back to HYRULE CASTLE. In any case, he is nowhere near Kokiri Forest, and even if he was he'd probably have more productive things to do, such as reporting the theft of GORON'S RUBY. Please try again later.

21/11/11
"Dave: You've heard enough. Flash-step the hell out of there and get on with the plot!"

Despite your lessened SPEED attribute, you manage to abscond from the room with relative ease.

"well that was kinda pointless" you tell your companion. "now that thats over with...what was i doing again??"

["Back-flips, if I recall."] says Doc Casey (or whatever we're going to call him), ["In any case, I suggest we make our way towards the GREAT DEKU TREE, before we encounter any more distractions..."]

21/11/11
"Class menu: Look like the menu for a fancy french resturaunt."

"Oh, wait. Now I'm hallucinating it." Dr Crumplehat says. "*Phew!* I thought I was going blind for a second there!"

"seriously. you need help."

21/11/11
"> That pyramid's kind of hat-looking. Combine pyramid with head."

Apparently the pyramid has a removable bottom. You remove it from the Pyramid, and then stick the top on your head like it was some kind of hat.

Dr. Crumplehat stares at a blinking red hallucination hovering several feet above your head, and then looks back at you. "Oh!" he exclaims. "You seem to have unlocked a new Class! Classes are earned by wielding specific weapons or wearing certain articles of clothing. You can change your Class at any time by using the CLASS MENU, which I have yet to hallucinate."

21/11/11
">Salesmander: Yes, be incredibly high. On LIFE! Also LSD."

Trying to ignore your FREQUENT HALLUCINATIONS THAT BREAK THE FOURTH WALL, you continue to tell the young man about the wonders of Alchemy.

"From the Magic Menu, you can view your status, equip items, or use your SPIRITUAL ESSENSE to perform Magic. What exactly your SPIRITUAL ESSENSE differs from person to person. I, for instance, have SALAMANDERENITY, which is earned by receiving long-term brain damage from taking drugs, and Nepeta has KAWAII, which is earned by being really cute. Judging by the text on panel 14, I would guess that yours is IRONY, which earned by being incredibly Ironic."

"you do realize im not listleing???" the young man begins to fiddle with the Pyramid in an attempt to discover it's secrets.

21/11/11
"> Dave: Click "Yes" on accident."

"uh huh. facinating." You rhythmically nod your head for what seems like months, in an attempt to feign interest, not realizing that you've accidently prolonged this interminable conversation. "do tell me more."

"I would most certainly be glad to!" Says Dr. Crumplehat.

"wait what???"

"Like all magics, Alchemy is performed in the Magic Menu, which can be assessed by pressing START."

"magic menu??? start??? are you high or something???"

28/08/11
"Fifth, sequence-break by making this give Dave magic. Somehow."

YOU GOT THE HORADIC PYRAMID!
You hold in your hands a solid blue pyramid, made of a durable, glass-like substance. The corners are capped in what appears to be gold, and the front of the pyramid is labled with some sort of triangle-heading eagle thing.

According to the doctor, the Horadic Pyramid is used to perform Alchemy, one of the three magics of the of this world. It was invented by the great blah blah blah you don't care.

Using Irony Points, you can use the Pyramid to break down items into their base components, or combine items together to create entirely new devices.


Eventually the doctor ceases his exposition, and asks "Would you mind if I gave you a lengthy tutorial explaining how to use it?"

28/08/11
"Dave: Know that, but pretend to think so anyway for IRONY!"

Despite your threats, you don't REALLY believe that Dr. Crumplehat was trying to kill you. You figure he's too stupid to murder an egg sandwich, much less an awesome cooldude like yourself. In fact, your REAL objective was to try and cheat him out of some free stuff using empty threats. So far it seems to be working.

"No, no! Anything but that!" says the doctor. "Here, tell you what: if you promise to drop the charges I'll give you this rare, incredibly expensive magic blue pyramid thingy, absolutely free!"

"you drive a hard bargain doc." you say. "but you know what im such a nice guy that ill take it if you give me a fifty percent of the profits for the rest of your life."

"Deal!" he says without a second thought, handing you a small, blue-and-gold pyramid as he does so.

28/08/11
"Crumplehat: Actually not be lying."

Uh oh, it seems like your paitent took your SARCASTIC REMARK a bit too seriously, now he really does think you are trying to kill him steal his stuff!

Once again, your CRIPPLING FEAR OF THE LEGAL SYSTEM gets the better of you, and you contemplate murdering everyone in the room so there would be no witnesses. But since you also have a CRIPPLING FEAR OF DEAD BODIES, you would have to hire someone else to clean up the mess. And since they would also be a witness to your crime, you would have to kill them too, so you'd have to hire someone else to clean your basement. And so on and so forth untill your basement is filled with dead bodies, and the smell is notcied by the villagers, so you'd have to kill them too. And then a traveling merchant would eventually find the results of your slaughter, so you'd have to kill him as well. And in order to make sure that nobody notices the merchant is gone, you'd have to destroy his home town, as well as everyone else who has ever visited that town. And this would keep on happening over and over and over again untill you either kill everyone in the world, or establish a worldwide communist state that would ban traveling merchants alltogeather.

But that sounds like too much work. So you instead decide to try for an out-of-court settlement.

28/08/11
"Nepeta: Tackle pounce Dave"

":33*Relived to see that the mysterious stranger has awakened, she greets him in a warm embrace*"

The Catgirl leaps onto you, and locks you in an asphyxiating Pounce-hug.

"woah... fuck... let go of me you crazy anime fangirl i mean are you trying to kill me or what???"

":33 Sorry... *she says, releasing the stranger*"

You get up, and brush the dirt off your clothes. "gog damn it." you say. "there i was dieing an angsty death like some kind of emo video game character and instead of nursing me back to health over a period of days you strap me up to an electric chair and throw the switch. i mean why the hell did you do that???"

the doctor gives you a confused look. "Wait, are you saying you wanted to die?"

"no of course not dont be such a dumbass." you reply. "jegus. maybe i should just sue you for malpractice and be done with it you thief."

28/08/11
"Dave: wake up"

You wake up from your vaguely-prophetic SBaHJ-flavored nightmare to the sound of tiny, flapping wings, and the smell of pixie dust. As your strenth returns to you, you open your eyes to find Casey fluttering manically around your head.

"Um... thank goodness your fairy broguht you back from the brink of death!" said Dr. Crumplehat. "Beacuse I totally knew that the entire time and was not trying to kill you so I could steal all of your stuff, sell your skeleton to the University, and then frame the catgirl for setting up the whole thing. Seriously!"

22/08/11
"==>"

"i told you about horeses"

22/08/11
"==>"

"i told you, man."

22/08/11
"==>"

"FUCK IM BEING TRAMPLED BY ALL THESE HORESES..."

22/08/11
"Dave: Are you still alive during all of this? If so, give us an ironic sign."

"i cant wait to be an awesome cooldude allday and save the kingdom"

22/08/11
"Mysterious forces of beyond: Be dissapointed."

===CLICK===

===ME===

"How... Disappointing." said a deep, awe-inspiring voice. His brow furrowed, the voice's owner gazed into his crystal ball with his piercing red eyes, and watched in frustration as a grey, child-like being trounced one of the greatest warriors in the land. "And here I was expecting the legendary White Knight of Hyrule to be able to handle a mere child..."[/COLOR

[COLOR=indigo]"you underestimate him."
says another voice. "He may be just a kid, but he comes from a society of RUTHLESS XENOPHOBIC AGGRESSORS MANIPULATED INTO BEING BY A PSYCHOPATHIC PUPPET GOD and was born on a planet where EVERY FUCKING THING WAS TRYING TO KILL HIM. Maybe instead of just watching Vantas we should SEND THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING ARMY AFTER HIM while he's still clueless about our plans."

The owner of the first voice shook his head disaprovingly. "First lesson of the day, Makara: Always keep the full extent of your power hidden untill you are ready to use it."

The second voice paused to think about this. "i don't think i understand?"

"Think of it this way: Right now the royal court is in a state of disarray, and thinks of us as little more than an ambitious bandit chief and his, grotesque, clown-like apprentice. They have no time to deal with us with us. They may even be willing to cut a deal or two if we agree to leave them alone..."

"oh i get it." said Gamzee. "while they fight amoung themselves, we secretly build our forces so we can CRUSH THEM INTO OBLIVION UNDER OUR MIGHTY HEELS sometime in the future, when they are least expecting it."

Gamzee's master patted him on the head. "Good boy." he said. "It seems you've been paying attention to my lessons after all..."

19/08/11
"====END OF PROLOGUE===="

19/08/11
"Fourth, do so in an incredibly painful and sciencey manner involving electric shock therapy."

You scream as the electricity courses through your system. Even your death at the hands of Jack Noir pales in comparison to the pain you are going through at this very moment.

With your last breath, you reflect on your short, miserable life. You think about all the games you'll never play, and comics you'll never write. You think about your friends, good times you had with them. You think of Bro, and how he taught you everything you know. But most importantly, you think about SBURB, and how it destroyed everything you ever held dear.

gog... i can kill an invunerable demon without reaching god teir but in the end i get done in by a salamander with a sodering iron. how ironic.

Slowly, your vision begins to fade...

19/08/11
"Third, be perfectly able to restore Dave's health anyways. Somehow."

Only now realizing that you are in critical peril, the doctor rushes you down to his basement laboratory, where he hooks you up to a chair sitting between a massive pair of metal pillars.

"Don't worry!" he says. "One go-through of my ELECTROSHOCKINATOR 3000, and you'll be a whole new man!"

You look up at the pillars ominously looming overhead. "er... you mutter. "how exactly does this work???"

"I honestly have no idea! Personally, i'm hoping that whatever it does gives you superpowers!"

Before you can protest, the doctor throws the switch, and the plasma generators whir to life...

18/08/11
"Dave> question the legitimacy of Dr. Crumplehat's Clinic."

"Great scott! You're alive!"

"no shit. i mean what kinda doctor are you anyway if you didn't know something so simple???"

"Why, I'm a doctor of psychology, of course! I can debate metaphysical concepts like nothing else!"

"..."

18/08/11
"Crumplehat: Offer 15 rupees for the corpse"

The salamander looks you over, and then turns to the girl that dragged you in.

"This isn't exactly the sort of thing I usually buy, but I'm willing to offer 15 Rupees. Just realize that if cops get involved, you never met me, got it?"

"dude... a corpse as cool as me is worth 45 at least. if not some kinda body-preservation shrine like fucking Lenin or something."

17/08/11
"==>"

"Hello!" says the Salamander. "Welcome to Dr. Crumplehat's hardware store /slash/ medical clinic! How may I help you?"

17/08/11
"==>"

Uh oh, you hear customers approaching! Better make yourself presentable before they arrive!

17/08/11
"==>"

You realize that you would actually make a pretty terrible computer scientist, given that you don't even know what a computer is. But that's okay, you just wanted to try on some new glasses.

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17/08/11
"Second, be a doctor of computer science."

Well that was fun. Now let's be a computer scientist!

17/08/11
"==>"

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17/08/11
"Doctor: First, be Sollux."

You are totally being Sollux.

17/08/11
"Nepeta: Drag him there anyway"

":33 wow! *the young koriki exclaimed* this is just like one of my romance novels! *she grabbed the stranger by the heels, and began to drag him to the doctor's house.* i'm not going to let you die until you're done telling me all about your dark and mysterious past!"

You moan in agony as the cat-girl drags you down the forest path. "normally id say something mind-blowingly ironic like nothing else but I think I just broke that part of my brain."

IRONY PARADIGM
X1 Attempted Suicide Combo, What The Cat Dragged In, X1 Meta-Irony Combo
1820 x3 Combo
5460 Points

17/08/11
"Dave: Refuse to go to the doctor."

You shake your head weakly. "look while i appreciate the offer weird hallucinatory catperson im kinda in the middle of my emo period" You hack up a bit of blood. "so if you would just leave me here to die in peace that would be just fine you know ok thanks."

16/08/11
"Dave: Greet the catgirl. Don't bother to get up. Why would you get up, obviously you're right where you want to be. Also you're in tremendous pain, but don't tell anybody."

As the world slowly comes into focus, you find yourself face to face with a catgirl in a silly green dress.

"oh right" you respond. "ill totally get right on that just let me lay down here for a few minutes slash hours slash days so my bones can mend"

":33 oh don't worry about that! *she says,* you've been through worse, after all."

Whoever this girl is, she seems to have a weird habit of narrating in the third person. Before you can ask her about this, she launches into another line of narration.

"*she pawses, waiting for the stranger to respond. after what seems like an eternity of silence, she decides to make a suggestion.*

there's a doctor just down the road from here! *she says* he can patch you up, so you'll be as good as new!"

16/08/11
"==>"

":33 get up, silly! *she says to the mysterious (and handsome) stranger* I need to take you to the GREAT DEKU TREE, and you've slept enough as it is! now's not the time for a catnap!"

16/08/11
"Nepeta: That looked like fun! Climb up into the house and imitate the stunt, landing right on Dave's face. Only after doing that will you tell him why you're here."

":33 *agrees with the weird voice in her head. That was fun!*"

11/08/11
"Dave: Do not realize you are in a treehouse before walking out of the door. Remain cool and do some sweet backflips before falling face first onto the ground."

You have the strange, uncontrollable urge to recklessly exit the door without looking to see what is outside. For extra potential Irony, you decide to backflip out the door instead of just opening it like a normal person.

The result is a stunt that is incredibly painful but totally worth it.

IRONY PARADIGM
X3 Back-flip Combo + Fool's Fortune + 1440° Reverse Faceplant + X1 Heartstopper
2140 x6 Combo
12840 Points

09/08/11
"Saria: Be nepeta."

Who's Saria?

You must be confused with someone else, because you are Nepeta Leijon, of the Koriki Tribe.

07/08/11
"==>"

You also manage to find an old journal with a strange green symbol on it.

YOU FOUND RUFIO'S JOURNAL!
Apparently this "Rufio" guy was some kind of adventurer or something. Maybe reading this will give you some sort of insight about the strange land you've found yourself in. You know, if you actually cared about that sort of thing.

07/08/11
"check out the books, see if there is anything ironic in there"

Almost all of the books on the shelf are about fairy tales. You suppose stories for little children are sufficently Ironic for someone your age to be carrying around, so you take one off the shelf at random.

YOU FOUND A COPY OF GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES!
You have no idea what you're going to do with this. Maybe you could hit people over the head with it or something.

07/08/11
"Retrieve arms from drawer."

You shudder as the image of Lil' Cal flashes through your mind. God, you really hate that puppet.

You search through the drawers for some kind of weapon to defend yourself. Most of them seem to be full of ugly green dresses or something, but you manage to find a slingshot in one of the middle drawers. Score!

YOU FOUND A SLINGSHOT!

Now you can mildly annoy your enemies to death with a constant barrage of irritating pebbles!
What's this? There appears to be an engraving on it: "Property of Rufio".
Ah well, I'm sure he won't mind.

07/08/11
"Attempt to put the fairy in the bottle, and succeed ironically."

["W-wait, what are you-?"]

Before the glowing noiseball can say another word, you swipe at it with your bottle, capturing the fairy with one quick motion.

["Well this is less a less than ideal turn of events..."] says the fairy to no-one in particular.

YOU CAUGHT A FAIRY!
Normally, you can use these to restore you to full health when you die, but this one doesn't seem to be able to do that. At least you've gotten him to shut up, though.

07/08/11
"Dave: Just get up and open that chest already."

Getting up from your bed, you immediately make a break for the nearby TREASURE CHEST. Surprisingly, you find it to be unlocked!

YOU FOUND THE EMPTY BOTTLE!
...Seriously? Who hides empty bottles in treasure chests?
Oh well. Best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

07/08/11
"Dave: sup (Pretend to show no interest)"

You stare at the glowing ball floating in front of your face. Your eyes dart around the room in a slight panic, and realize you have absolutely no idea where you are.

At this point, most people would probably be asking questions like "where am I?" or "How did I get here?", but you're too cool for that sort of thing. Instead you decide to feign indifference in your sudden change in surroundings.

"sup"

["Oh, you know. The usual."] the ball replies.

"ah"

["Just running errands for the Great Deku Tree."]

"yep" You nod as if you were pretending to care.

["I was going to check and see if you were out of your coma, but apparently I don't have to do that anymore. The Deku Tree will be thrilled to hear of your recovery."]

"ill bet"

["..."]

"..."

["Hey, you know what? I bet you're sore after falling from the sky like that. How about we go take a walk?"]

"...whatever"

07/08/11
"Doc/Casey: Wake hero in a more hard-boiled manner then shouting "Hey, Listen!" in a high-pitched voice. Instead, do it in a deep, sophisticated British accent. Keep this voice for the rest of the adventure"

A glowing white ball with wings is floating before you.

["Good morning, Strider."] it says in a sophisticated british accent. ["Did you sleep well?"]

07/08/11
"Break a pot if you can. if you can't, do it the old fairy way, bump in to him till he wakes."

[Both excellent ideas.]

[Now I suppose I should relinquish narrative control, before he gets suspicious...]

07/08/11
"Casey"

[Yes... I think that name will do. Casey it is.

And don't worry about me not living up to the spirit of our bargain and finding some other way to destroy your universe. Though I know many ways to twist words around to achieve my goals, I would much rather turn my attention to the ones who locked me into this form in the first place.

Now, help me wake this poor sap, will you?
]

07/08/11
"Ben Stiller"

[Ah yes, the obligatory "random celebrity name" gag. You fell over your chair laughing when you wrote that, didn't you?

Kids today have no appreciation for sophisticated humor. He he ho.
]

07/08/11
"H'ctarcs Cod"

[I appreciate the sentiment, but I was hoping for something a bit more pronounceable.]

07/08/11
"Doc Scratch: Go fuck yourself."

[Yes, I thought you would say that. After all, why would you trust me, the man who may or may not have been responsible for the death of every Homestuck character you've ever cared about?

Here's the thing, though. Destiny demands that the Hero of Time must have a fairy companion. So unless you agree to my demands and come up with a name for me to use, I'm afraid Strider won't last very long...
]

07/08/11
"Navi: Be Terezi"

[I'm afraid that would be rather problematic.

You see, the fairy known as "Navi" does not actually exist within this dimension. Instead, her role has been taken by myself, Doc Scratch.

For reasons I do not care to divulge, I have been trapped in the frail body with only the slightest fraction of my power, forced by a fit of cosmic irony to accompany Strider on his inevitable quest to save the land from the forces of darkness.

Believe me, given the choice I would rather be doing something else.

Tell you what; let's make a deal. I will promise not to sic my master on your dimension when I return to power, and in return you will give me a new name to keep my true identity hidden from the Knight of Time.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm still Omniscient? Because I am. So I already know that you're going to accept my offer. Just keep that in mind.

So, what do you say?
]

07/08/11
"Start"

Your name is DAVE. You are a BADASS MOFO who had accidently destroyed his own world on his WORST DAY EVER. Normally I would spend ages talking about your love of ILL JAMS, IRONIC HUMOR, and AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHY, but let's face it: if you're hungry enough for Homestuck that you read random forum adventures made by people with too way much time on their hands, you probably know who this guy is already.

What will you do?

07/08/11
"==>"

PRESS START