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and whatever you do
dont die ok
You were supposed to drop her first.
MY CALCULATIONS SAID YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DROP HER FIRST!
johns hot mom
did you just say you can revive jade
If that is how you are going to be...
You stupid, stupid dogs.
I AM TRYING TO REVIVE HER!!!
jack and uh
taller white jack
clearly you are very loyal to jades corpse or whatever
but you arent gonna help her by swiping the torso and growling at me like a pair of mangy assholes
just put her down
look i got treats!
i have snausages
ok i dont have snausages
i can get snausages!
bad anthropomorphic dogs!
youre so bad!
oh my god
you are literally being the worst pair of anthro dogs i ever saw
drop that goddamn girl i mean it
dont you woof at me
you dont think im serious?
im serious as a drive to the fuckin vet
im not joking you dumb mutts i mean business here
see ive got a sword too!
and its awesome
its fucking welsh!!!!!
On that authentic note, I shall resume my effort to resurrect my omnipotent daughter, and regain the tactical advantage.
As a being of cold, flawless reason and logic, I have no cause to anticipate further impediments to this simple objective.
DR34M ON, M1R4CL3 BOY
CH13F D3PUTY PYR4LSP1T3 C4N DO NOTH1NG FOR YOU NOW!
NO ON3 C4N S4V3 YOU FROM YOUR JUDGM3NT!
OR 1 W1LL P33L 1T OFF YOUR SKULL!!!
T4K3 TH4T! 4ND TH4T!!
OH Y3S, CLOWN. YOUR R3CKON1NG 1S 4T H4ND
WH4T, NOW OF 4LL T1M3S YOU C4NT BR1NG YOURS3LF TO R41S3 4 H4ND TO M3?
4LL YOU C4N DO 1S GR1N L1K3 4N 1MB3C1L3??
UGH, STOP SM1L1NG!!!
F1GHT M3 YOU GUTL3SS POLTROON!
WH4T 1S SH3 DO1NG H3R3?
1T W4S SH3 WHO M4N1PUL4T3D M3 1NTO R3STOR1NG MY 3Y3S1GHT!
JUST 4S YOOOUUUU W3R3 TH3 ON3 WHO 1NST1G4T3D MY SP1R4L OF S3LF LO4TH1NG TO B3G1N W1TH
1 N3V3R WOULD H4V3 CONS1D3R3D H3R S1LV3RY TONGU3D OFF3R 1N 4 M1LL1ON SW33PS 1F YOU H4D NOT PO1SON3D M3 SO
1T 1S 4LL TOO CL34R TO M3
YOU 4ND SH3 4R3 1N C4HOOTS NOW, 4R3NT YOU
4DM1T 1T, M4K4R4
YOU H4V3 B3COM3 JUST 4NOTH3R LOWLY N1BBL3 V3RM1N SCURRY1NG 4FT3R TH3 S3DUCT1V3 TUN3 OF H3R FLUT3!
YOU 4R3 BOTH TH3 WORST K1ND OF SCUM TO M3. OPPOS1T3, 4ND Y3T 3QU1V4L3NT
1T 1S L1K3 TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TORS H4NDBOOK S4YS
THOS3 WHO 4R3 CUT FROM TH3 S4M3 CLOTH
4R3 F1T TO SW1NG FROM TH3 S4M3 ROP3!
WH4T M4D3 YOU TH1NK YOU COULD COMM1T YOUR CR1M3S, TH4T YOU COULD D3C31V3 M3, D3B4S3 M3, M4K1NG M3 F33L L1K3 R4NC1D C1RCUS TR4SH
ONLY TO SL1NK 4W4Y L1K3 4 F1LTHY CH33S3 CR1TT3R, W1THOUT 3V3R H4V1NG TO P4Y TH3 P1P3R???
D1D YOU HON3STLY TH1NK YOU WOULD N3V3R F4C3 JUST1C3?
WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO S4Y FOR YOURS3LF?
JUST 4S 1 THOUGHT
1S 1T TH3 R3SPONS3 OF 4 R3L1G1OUS Z34LOT, SWORN TO 4 M1SGU1D3D VOW OF S1L3NC3?
OR 1S 1T TH3 R3SPONS3
OF 4 COW4RD!!!!!!!
HOW 1 D3T3ST YOUR HORR1D "F41TH"
HOW 1 LO4TH3 TH3 SOD4 ST1CKY GROUND YOU KN33L UPON WH1L3 YOU B3LCH YOUR VULG4R HYMNS OF M1RTH
HOW 1 R3V1L3 YOUR...
terezi with the dropkick ambush from the fuckin sky
go terezi kick his ass
still dont have the slightest clue whats going on here but i fully endorse this turn of events
did you see what happened
not gonna answer me huh
youre just gonna keep manhandling johns evil mom and not tell me what jades doing under this house
sweet jesus youre an awful dude
I DO NOT WANT TO BUY ANYMORE OF YOUR POTIONS. I ALREADY BOUGHT ALL THE USELESS SLOP I COULD EVER WANT FROM YOU, AND MADE A KILLING ON REDISTRIBUTION.
YOUR ENTREPRENEURIAL TACTICS LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED. YOU ARE A DEPLORABLE BUSINESSMAN AND AN EVEN SHITTIER CLOWN. GET OFF ME.
DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY BOOB. DON'T TOUCH MY BOOB YOU FUCKFACED DUNG HUFFING TOILET GUZZLING IDIOT QUIPSTER SHITPECKER DICKLARK.
YOU SCURRILOUS FUCKSHITTING CAD. UNHAND ME SO I MAY RESURRECT MY ACCOMPLICE AT ONCE.
Take your time. I'm not going anywhere. ::::)
8ut it must 8e done.
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE TO OUR BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER?
YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL. COME TO YOUR SENSES THIS INSTANT.
I know that you have a gr8 deal of fondness for your human family mem8er, even though you have 8een corrupted 8y an evil computer.
As such, it sincerely pains me to have to do this.
8ut the moment she wakes up, she will simply 8ecome possessed again.
And then where would we 8e?
i am GRIMBARK JADE dammit!
I AM THE MOST POWERFUL DOGGY GIRL
WHO HAS EVER EXISTED
IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME?!
what was i even THINKING?!
hey i asked you a question gramps!
YOU CALL THAT POWERING UP?
i will show you the true meaning of powering up
frankly your "hope field" is ridiculous and has nothing on the unlimited fury of THE GREEN SUN!!!
stop powering up already!!!
Don't listen to her, Jake!
Continue powering up for as long as you like. You're doing wonderfully!
how many times did i help you solve a tricky problem?
i am very very clever
lets face it
are not :p
if i cant zap you out of here then i have no choice but to let you stay
but i cant allow you to keep trashing the old ladys property
so ill just swap the planets instead!
I thought you said you were going to su8due me.
I'm w8ting, miss Crocker.
What game are you playing, troll?
State your designs on my future husband.
Don't worry. I am only 8orrowing him temporarily as an equalizing force.
And once he has finished equalizing, I will tear your empire apart. ::::)
You will do no such thing.
Then it would seem the next move is yours.
I trust your weapon is not just for show.
Or did Her Condescension see fit to equip her heiress with a training fork?
My calculations say that it is highly probable you are enticing me into a trap.
It's no trap, I assure you.
I simply cannot 8e killed.
You see, as long as a certain charm remains in my possession, I am immortal.
Even more immortal than usual!
More immortal than usual??
Can't you shut him up?
THE HOPE FIELD!!!
ALSO HE KEEPS DOING THAT!!!
So I have overheard.
Jake, your righteous ascension has been quite impressive.
But that is incredibly annoying.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
its so hard to concentrate while i have to stare at his STUPID little shorts!
i didnt ask for this jake!
i never wanted to see my grandpa in a sexy pair of underpants!!!
augh shut up!
your booming cornball exclamations are hurting my doggy ears!!!
come on jade
FOCUS damn you!
youre making a royal mess of the place
so im gonna have to zap you to the furthest ring!
what im saying is youve been very naughty and rambunctious so now you have to go outside
You deal with Jake.
I will subdue the smug troll.
The hope field is nigh impenetra8le!
Who are you?
YOU'RE DESTROYING EMPIRE PROPERTY!
I would rather not involve her in this matter.
We should be more than sufficiently equipped to handle it.
yes youre right
what would she think if we went whimpering to her every time some buffoon parked a battleship illegally
She would think we were a couple of silly children.
maybe we should check on the prisoners again
That would be a logical course of action.
I don't know.
When I arrived, it was already parked here.
Most illegally, I might add.
that is SO illegal
maybe we should call in some authority regulators to have it ticketed and towed
If you really wanted to relocate the vehicle, couldn't you just.
You know. Teleport it somewhere else?
but i love watching those guys write their little tickets
theyre so cute
But observing adorable creatures issue citations will not address our problem.
Come in Harley.
Do you read me?
I suggest that you come to Derse right away.
what is it
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You Can Talk
Using Actual Sentences
Then Why Resort Exclusively To Intimidating Robotic Soundbites For
However Long You Were Doing That
Because when it comes to the affairs of my empire, I am all business.
You see, Kanaya. I am a businesswoman.
A very shrewd one at that.
Watch and learn, rainbow drinker.
I Do Not Understand Why You Needed To Impale My Friend To Demonstrate Your Resurrection Abilities!
I Believed You!
It Was Pointless And Cruel And Does Not Advance My Willingness To Cooperate With You At All!
Furthermore It Did Not Prove That You Can Use Said Abilities To Harm Me!
I Believe That Assertion Was Based On A Fallacious Theory About My Constitution!
In Actuality One Could Easily Kill Me With Any Number Of Conventional Methods!
Im Sure You Could Chop My Head Off Or Burn Me Alive Or Crush Me To Death And I Would Die Just Fine!
(could you maybe not give the psycho fork girl any more ideas???)
I Am Not Scared Of You!
None Of Us Are!
(i kind of am)
Karkat Shut Up!
If This Treacherous Despot Serving Turncoat Seeks Compliance From Me Then She Will Have To Pry It From My Mutilated Lifeless Cadaver!
(oh no oh god oh no oh god)
If You Are So Convinced That Your Recuperative Magic Will Strike Me Down Then Why Dont You Put Your Theory To The Test!
I Doubt You Will Since You Have Made It Clear You Need Our Participation To Achieve Your Goals Which Is A Fact That Your Naive Cohort Foolishly Revealed To Us!
I Dont Think She Is Very Good At Being A Villain And To Be Honest I Have My Doubts About You As Well So I Am Calling Your Bluff!
So If You Continue To Insist That Your Healing Enchantments Have The Power To Slay Me Then I Implore You To Give It Your Best Shot!
Go On Do It!
DO YOUR HUMAN WORST!
oh i am so mad
welp. see ya!
john stop that
i thought it was common knowledge
when you cast healing magic on a zombie or dracula they die!
How Do You Figure
i dont know...
isnt that how it works in stories and games and such
seems pretty logical to me
I Think You Are Presuming To Know A Lot About My Nature Which Is Not Actually True
It Sounds As Though Youre Suggesting That I Have Qualities Similar To Certain Types Of Shadow Droppers Which Is Not Quite The Case But Even If It Was There Are A Lot Of Myths About Shadow Dropper Physiology That Are Commonly Perpetuated By Popular...
i can see a demonstration will be in order
if you would be so kind
you should be aware that i have already threatened to kill some people today so watch your step mister
SORRY JADE, BUT YOU SOUND ABOUT AS THREATENING AS SOME MILD FLATULENCE I ONCE HAD
its true though i am very threatening
and this girl right here?
shes even worse
she hasnt even said a WORD... that is TERRIFYING!
jeez even im nervous
and kanaya dont think you are safe from our threats just because you happen to be a vampire
we have ways of handling the undead
she has the power to bring people back to life
although it is my understanding that this ability is limited to a one time only use per individual
you do know what sort of effect her resurrection spell will have on undead targets...
it will be home to the new empire
i will deliver it to the universe we create
or i should say the one YOU create
if you are obedient and complete the tasks you are assigned, you may have a place in the empire among the subservient classes
DID YOU FEEL THAT TOO KANAYA? A CHILL JUST RAN DOWN MY TORSO PILLAR DUE TO ALL THE *PURE EVIL* THAT BRAINWASHED JADE IS SAYING! I'M FUCKING PETRIFIED, SOMEBODY HELP ME CHANGE MY SMELLY PANTS!
LISTEN JADE. AND OTHER RANDOM EVIL GIRL, YOU LISTEN TOO. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE GLOBE OR YOUR OMINOUS ALLUSIONS TO NEW EMPIRES OR WHAT SORT OF PARIAHS WE CAN EXPECT TO BE IN YOUR BOGUS DREAM DYSTOPIA.
THERE IS ONLY ONE COURSE OF ACTION FROM YOU WHICH I WILL TOLERATE, AND THAT IS FEEDING ME A STEADY DIET OF FUCKING ANSWERS! NOT CAGEY, SMIRK-TORTURED INFO-MORSELS DELIVERED BETWEEN SHITTY VILLAIN CHUCKLES, I WANT AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA WHICH HAS ONLY ONE PURPOSE, AND THAT IS TO GET ME PERSONALLY UP TO SPEED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING, RIGHT THIS BLOOD SHITTING SECOND!!!!!
karkat i had almost forgotten how much i missed our repartee
thank you for reminding me, that outburst was beautiful
if youre frustrated by the way im treating you look at it this way... im not asking you for passwords anymore am i?
HAHA! YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT PASSWORDS?
COMPARED TO THIS, THE PASSWORDS WERE A GODDAMN LAWNMEAL!!! WITH A CHECKERED TABLECLOTH AND EVERYTHING! FUN FOR ALL INVOLVED, ESPECIALLY THE MARCHBUGS SNEAKING THE CRUMBS AWAY!
I WOULD FUCKING KILL TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU PASSWORDS AGAIN, ESPECIALLY IF IT MEANT UNLOCKING REGULAR JADE FROM HER CORRUPTED EMPIRE SERVING BARKFIEND STATE!
*IS* THERE A PASSWORD LIKE THAT JADE? CAN I START GUESSING AT IT??
LET'S SEE, SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE SOME SORT OF WILD CARNIVOROUS FURRY NOW, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MEAT, DOESN'T IT?
IT'S SAUSAGES ISN'T IT
AM I CLOSE? SOMETHING IN THE SAUSAGE DEPARTMENT.
sorry karkat, there is no password. not this time
if you continue to list meat products then im afraid the only thing you will unlock is my fearsome doggy hunger
and believe me, you dont want to see me when im doggy hungry
(ROLLING MY DAMN EYES)
but if you insist on hounding me (hehe) for some sort of explanation, its all pretty simple
we all recently arrived in this brand new session... janes session actually
this is jane btw. say hi jane
jane is actually my biological mother believe it or not
THIS STORY SUCKS SO FAR!
but her session was taken over by the woman who you might call our mutual great grandmother
shes an alien. a very powerful troll queen actually
YEAH! THE EMPRESS IS HERE! I THINK WE ALREADY MANAGED TO DEDUCE THAT!
karkat you are the one who demanded an "UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA"
ill thank you to not to yell at me for doing exactly what you requested
her imperious condescension is in control now
she intends to carry out the remaining objectives to complete the session
those tasks will be distributed among several recently recruited agents of course
this should come as a relief to you since it means you and she are not in opposition at all
in fact you share all the same goals!
the only difference is that when the time comes she will be the one claiming the ultimate reward
the spoils will be hers not ours... get it?
I THINK SO!
SHE WANTS US ALL TO GET A NICE HEAD START ON OUR DECADENT NEW LIFE OF SLAVERY PROMISED FOR US ON YOUR SCALE MODEL OF ALTERNIEARTH.
THAT SOUNDS SUPER! DOESN'T THAT SOUND SUPER KANAYA?
I THINK I SPEAK FOR KANAYA WHEN I SAY IT SOUNDS Really Fucking Super.
HOW DO WE GET STARTED??? I AM JUST BEFOULING MY ALREADY-PUNGENT DRAWERS OVER THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND START DOING SLAVERY!
what you will need to do is ready the young frog for its journey to skaia
i will prepare skaia to receive it by deploying the battlefield from our old session
this will bring fertility to the void session and allow the frog to mature when he completes his journey
SO YOU WANT US TO MAKE ANOTHER FROG?
i already made one actually
dont you remember??
really your job is so easy
theres no more frog breeding involved at all
when the time is right, you just have to release the one thats already there
WHERE IS IT?
it fell into the forge
in the years since it has sunk all the way down to the planets core
but as it happens that is exactly where it should be!
my denizen is now guarding it
as im sure kanaya already knows it will not be released unless you travel there and formally request that she do so
IF IT'S THAT SIMPLE, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO IT!
YOU CAN USE YOUR DOG TELEPORTATION OR WHATEVER.
i already did
echidna will not speak with me
COULD IT BE DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CRAPPY EVIL VERSION OF YOURSELF, AND THE MIGHTY ECHIDNA JUST POSSIBLY HAS TOO MUCH SELF RESPECT TO BOTHER DIGNIFYING THE FARCE YOU'VE BECOME?
it is not important why, and it changes nothing
she said she would only speak with another hero of space
that would be kanaya
she also cryptically requested the presence of the knight who once helped her with breeding duties
karkat i gather that would be you
WHY WOULD SHE ASK TO SEE ME
ANOTHER SPACE PLAYER I COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?
i dont know karkat
that is your problem, not mine
maybe you should try feeling grateful she asked for you
youre getting the chance to set right what went so horribly wrong
to atone for your hasty first attempt at frog breeding which resulted in a terminal universe
if i were you i would feel pretty relieved to get a second chance, but thats just me :p
KANAYA, IT'S OFFICIAL. JADE HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF GROSS NIGHTMARE BITCH!
AS THE BELEAGUERED AND LONG SUFFERING LEADER, ALBEIT *STILL* LEADER OF OUR PARTY, I MOTION THAT WE DON'T DO ANYTHING SHE SAYS, OR ANYTHING TO HELP THE EMPRESS EVEN IF IT OVERLAPS WITH OUR OWN INTERESTS, AND STOP LISTENING TO WERE-HARLEY UNTIL SHE SNAPS OUT OF HER BRUTAL IDIOT COMA!
I Second Your Motion
THE MOTION PASSES WITH AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF VOTES AMONG PEOPLE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY WHO AREN'T HORRIBLE!
WHY IS IT SO SMALL
its small because i shrunk it
cause im a space witch
WHY DO YOU HAVE IT?
I THOUGHT JACK DESTROYED YOUR UNIVERSE.
but i snuck through a portal and nabbed it!
then i hopped right back through the gate before everything blew up
i was in and out like a bandit
you know, i like to think i make a pretty good witch, especially since i turned wicked and all...
but maybe i would have made an even better thief!
what do you think jane? do you think i missed my true calling?
come to think of it, the new empire probably doesnt need anymore thieves
we already have the greatest thief of all running the show
she even managed to steal both of us away from all our pals, didnt she jane? ;)
isnt she a riot guys?
THANKS JADE. NO REALLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THOSE CLARIFICATIONS, WHILE OBLITERATING ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE FIRMLY OFF YOUR ROCKER.
BUT MAYBE IF IT'S NOT *TOO* MUCH EXTRA TROUBLE, YOU COULD HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'VE STRANDED US ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PLANETS, ONLY TO COME TAUNT ME WITH A WATERLOGGED, MINIATURIZED VERSION OF EARTH???
Your behavior is repugnant, and has no place in my empire.
What kind of man are you?
What kind of suitor to an heiress weeps uncontrollably when his imaginary friend's existence is called into question?
But i dont WANNA be a man and i dont WANNA punch her in the face!
Punch WHOM in the face, now?
To think I wasted my youth pining over a vile maggot like you.
Jake, you should not be misled when I imply that I love you, or when I command you to marry me and sire my children.
In truth I detest you, and if not for certain assets you possess, I would be sorely tempted to fork you full of holes right now and feed your remains to my daughter.
But I won't.
To whom are you talking?
Brain ghost dirk.
Brain... Ghost Dirk?
You are lying.
No im not!
Brain Ghost Dirk sounds almost as fake as he is completely made up.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
I stand to inherit a new empire very soon.
When Earth has reached its final destination, it will be repopulated with a fresh brood of loyal subjects over whom I will rule absolutely.
But I will not rule alone, Jake. Oh, no. I will need a husband to rule by my side.
That is where you come in.
You and I will be wed, and we will rule my empire together with an iron oven mitt.
However, the mitt will be worn by me, and me alone. You will have no executive authority whatsoever, because you are too stupid.
You will always do exactly what I say, when I say it. You will be obedient, cheerful, mostly silent, and scantily clad. Is that understood?
You will also provide me with children so my imperial legacy will continue, and the Crocker brand will live on in infamy.
You will sire as many children as I ask for, and they will all be perfect, obedient little heirs and heiresses.
You do remember our recent agreement to have "a zillion babies," don't you, Jake? I do hope you were not planning to renege on this vow.
*Sob sob sob...*
Our children will rule the empire when we are gone, which of course will be never, because we will be eternally young and beautiful and immortal and in love, for ever and ever.
We will travel the galaxy conquering planets and expanding my empire. No alien world will pose any resistance to our forces.
Especially not once I figure out how to unlock all that incredible "Page of Hope potential" hidden away in your pathetic, hunky body.
Please no jane dont do this! I dont want to get married or sire children or rule an empire! Im scared and sad and afraid and i dont want to do this adventure anymore and i just want to go home!
Please let me go back to earth jane! Just like it used to be! I just want to go back to my pumpkin patch in the jungle when things were simpler and all i had to worry about was being tackled by a feisty robot. I want to go back to when i didnt ruin all my friendships and when you didnt hate me and when you didnt go crazy and tell me to be your weird royal husband slave!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!
Jake. Be quiet.
Having recently been crowned a supreme being of pure logic, my tolerance for your antiquated horseshit has fallen to nil.
Im sorry jane you know what a shameless blatherskite i can be!
Especially when im nervous i start bumping my gums and prattling my screwball poppycock til im blue in the puss!
You know how rough its been for me jane. After we almost hopped the broom and then dirk slipped me the mitten over the whole trickster sockdolager... it all caught me flat footed and knocked me right into a cocked hat!
If squirreling me away in the calaboose like this is payback for the way i behaved youve got to believe me i never meant to hurt you jane! Im doing my best here and thats the real simon pure... SCOUTS HONOR!!!
Jake, now you have done it.
You have made me exclaim in frustration audibly.
If your intent is to welcome another knuckle sandwich instead of my reasoning for your captivity, then go on. Say ONE MORE THING that sounds like something a corny old man would say.
I dare you.
That's what I thought.
Havent you kept me pinched in the hoosegow long enough?!
What happened to my grandma! She seemed so nice then all of the sudden WHAMMO shes a gruesome monster!
And whats with the thing she zapped on your head that flipped your cuckoo fruitcake switch! Is that what made you lose your marbles jane?
And whyd you have to plant such a spanking haymaker on the old breadbasket? That really hurt! It still hurts!!
And why oh WHY must my bottom rock these snug custard undies while you get to look like such a doggone BAD ASS?
Am i at least permitted to put on a respectable pair of fucking shorts???
Alone at last.
its nice to finally meet you!
and you must be jane?
its nice to meet you too jane
TT: I can feel it too this time.
GG: BIG TIME.
TT: And as a person she's everything I wish I could be.
TT: I wish I could be as nice and loving and selfless as her.
TT: But can't.
TT: Because I'm too busy being me.
TT: That would be a weird mixed signal. I mean...
TT: It's true.
TT: But please say something else instead.
GG: Uh, Dirk...
GG: Something's happening.
TT: Or maybe it's better to just say...
TT: Not so much of it?
TT: Like all at once.
TT: Maybe it'd be better for now if you could pass a short message to her for me.
TT: If only to help kill this awkward silence between us.
GG: Like what?
TT: Could you just tell her,
TT: I love her?
TT: No wait!
TT: I mean.
TT: Not in that way though.
TT: More like...
GG: Dirk, I know what way you mean!
TT: Ok. Good.
GG: Of course, she IS right there, you know.
TT: I know.
TT: I'm a little reluctant to drop all that on her.
TT: Looking at what I just said, it's...
TT: Kind of overwhelming?
TT: I feel like in a way you can destroy somebody with effusive praise.
TT: Or maybe I'm just projecting how I would feel about that kind of intense positivity coming at me. I dunno.
TT: But I still think confessions like that can change stuff between people. Like the way they act around each other.
TT: I guess there were times I thought about it. Being all alone on Earth with her and stuff.
TT: I couldn't though.
TT: Have to stay true to myself.
TT: Still, she would deserve it.
TT: Nobody deserves to get all the things they always wanted more than she does.
TT: And it suddenly seems kinda stupid that I think these things about her but she doesn't even know it.
TT: I guess I should tell her all this some time.
TT: The truth is, she's the most amazing person I ever knew.
TT: She's everything in a human being I wish I could be, but can't because I'm in my own way.
TT: Honestly, I'm not even sure if I'm worthy of dying next to her.
TT: I think she probably felt bad for hitting on me all those years. Like I was getting fed up with her, or something.
TT: But all it really did was make me feel guilty.
TT: That I couldn't give her what she wanted.
TT: A leader who was invisible to us all along. Fittingly, a void player to lead a void session.
TT: She would be a leader not in name or in spirit or in function, whatever that means.
TT: But more of an emotional leader, who would selflessly try to hold everyone together while the rest of us did our best to fall apart.
TT: And Roxy has been that for us every step of the way, going unnoticed and unappreciated.
TT: Think of how much shit she's had to put up with from all of us.
TT: She never complains, never turns it around and makes it about her problems.
TT: She just works her ass off making sure we all stay friends.
TT: If that isn't a leader, I don't know what is.
TT: A place where the mechanisms for success never even existed to begin with.
TT: In such a place it makes sense that the formal leader would be neutralized, to made feel unempowered and static.
TT: And it seems particularly fitting she would be the noble of life in a realm of the dead.
TT: A realm that foretold of a life player who felt lifeless, a hope player who felt hopeless, and a heart player who was just a stone cold motherfucker.
TT: When we talked about leadership, and I was all on my high horse telling you how shit would go down...
TT: I also said I would be the one "pulling the strings." Remember? That I'd be the functional leader of our party.
TT: And there might have been something to that, in a different session.
TT: But what good is a "man of action" in a place where action itself is intrinsically fruitless?
TT: So it's occurred to me that by some tragic flaw in its design, our session was meant to be leaderless.
TT: And I'd feel safe concluding that. Except for a feeling that's been gnawing at me.
TT: Heroes make shit happen. But that's not what we do, or what we're even SUPPOSED to do.
TT: We wait.
TT: We wait for literally everything. We wait for other people to reach out first so we can fix our relationships. We wait for these legendary heroes to arrive and bring competence and promise to a futile situation.
TT: Even now. Look at us. What are we waiting for?
TT: To kill ourselves? For someone to come along and do it for us?
TT: It doesn't even matter.
TT: As the four nobles of the void session, we do what we were created to do.
TT: We sit around on our asses.
TT: And I was rambling at length about leadership, like I actually had a clue what I was talking about?
GG: I remember.
GG: You said I would be the leader of our team, in name and in spirit.
GG: Although I never really felt like it.
TT: Yeah. That's kind of the point.
TT: I guess in a way, I was right. But not how I expected.
TT: She's the only one of us who could face her problems and then get down to business and actually solve them.
TT: No endless hand wringing or suffering in silence or any of that bullshit.
TT: She saw she had an addiction. And then decided to fucking fix it. Just like that.
TT: She's probably stronger than the other three of us put together.
TT: Or the wagon. The horse wagon. Whatever.
TT: The thing you ride around on when you ain't drinking.
TT: But so what. There was cotton candy in her hair, and she was being stupid. What do you expect? It was a moment of indiscretion.
TT: I'm not mad at her and I'm not disappointed in her. That's ridiculous.
TT: Want to know what I really think of Roxy?
GG: Are you disappointed in her?
TT: Why would I be?
GG: It seemed that way to her earlier.
GG: When you chastised her for drinking again.
TT: Is she pissed at me or something?
TT: She won't talk to me.
GG: No, not at all.
TT: Then what gives.
GG: Some sort of Prospitian lunar anomaly, I guess. Probably nothing to worry about.
TT: Maybe it was like, tidal forces. Due to gravitation.
TT: Or the tensile forces from that big ass chain.
GG: Um. Yes! Let's say that's what it was.
GG: No, it stopped.
TT: What do you think it was?
GG: I don't know. Maybe an earthquake?
TT: I'm not sure if these moons can have earthquakes.
TG: even if she did like to drink at some point it was kind of a childish idea that doing so myself would make me closer to her or help us bond or whatever
TG: anyway i think i might of overestimated her drinkin habits
TG: she sure didnt look like no drunk
TG: jane did i mention
TG: i saw her in a dream today!
TG: shes real young tho
TG: like our age
TG: and she looks so pretty and happy
TG: not like a girl w booze challenges
TG: i think her fav color must be orange just like dirk
TG: she was wearin the same sunny orange nighty deal i caught a glimpse of her in v briefly another time
TG: and oh...
TG: she also called me mom?
TG: huh is right
TG: u know im really not sure if shes actually my mom
TG: but i do know were totes genetically related somehow
TG: i just think theres more to it than we know
GG: I guess we'll find out!
GG: So what was it that made you finally decide to give it up?
TG: thats pretty much what it was
TG: when i first went to lopan i saw my sprite there
TG: so i got out my bottle of momslime and was all ready for the bestest most poignant reunion ever
TG: and thats when the juggalo struck
TG: and i just knew the witch had fucked me over AGAIN
TG: cause what other hag is insane enough to get juggalos to do her dirty biz nigh exclusively???
TG: NO HAGS BUT HER
TG: and i was so pissed and so distraught about that goddamn clown squandering my sprite
TG: so i got crazy drunk and felt the super sorriest for myself i ever did
TG: but little did i know there would be a lovely silver lining to the debacle
GG: Dear, sweet, precious Fefeta!
TG: she became a great friend
TG: and whats more was she told me not to worry
TG: that my mom would be comin anyway and all i had to do was wait a while
TG: and i believed her cause she knew stuff + was THA BEST
TG: so thats when i decided to clean up my act
TG: i dont know its hard to say exactly when i started getting real carried away
TG: just at some point i discovered a load of my moms centurys old booze in the house
TG: and i didnt have much to relate to her by except her books
TG: so i felt like drinking was a way to be more like her
TG: or be closer to her kinda
TG: and there was nobody around except the silly chess people
TG: who in a way just made me feel more alone
TG: cause they reminded me i was only one of two humans left and the other was an ocean away
TG: so little by little
TG: i got out of hand
TG: and one of the only things i had to look forward to was the idea that the game was supposed to be able to bring my mom back
TG: assuming i even decided to help the batterwitch out by playing at all
TG: yeah he just wanted to make sure i dont hate him like yall do which you dont even
GG: I... see.
TG: so im just talking to him a bit to help him not feel bad
GG: That's ok.
GG: You were saying?
TG: i was gonna say why i finally quit drinkin
TG: i mean if you want to know
GG: Actually, once you did stop, it made me finally realize it was a problem for you for a long time.
GG: And I didn't say anything at the time, but it made me wonder if I wasn't doing the right thing before.
GG: By failing to point out you might have a problem? Or just going along with it and participating in lively banter any time you clearly had too much to drink?
GG: Was I just being a bad friend?
TG: nah it wasnt your responsibility to fix my shit
TG: and anyway i think i made it hard for anyone to come at me like it was a real problem
TG: i was always joking around so much and havin a good time like kind of overzealously so
TG: that i probably just made people feel like a shitty wet blanket for even mentioning it
TG: i was weak + lame all along
TG: and now dirk knows that too and for some reason letting him down feels like the worst part??
TG: which is equally lame and weak cuz i should care for my own sake not for how it makes a dude see me but it still just really bothers me ???
TG: jake again hold pls
TG: and here i thought i was actually over that
TG: but the second im given the slightest justification to drink again i say fuck it
TG: so it turns out i didnt stop wanting to like i told myself
TG: but that i still wanted to while pretending i didnt per some bogus tough girl act
TG: like i thought i was better than the problem
TG: or more like i thought i was too cool and too strong to admit it was actually really hard
TG: i know
TG: but you said it yourself
TG: about the confessions you made to jake
TG: sure you were trippin balls on a cherub pop
TG: but that really just enabled you to do what you really wanted to do deep down
TG: so whatd i do the moment jake snuck up and owned me with that magic pumpkin?
TG: i was like YO LETS GET SMASHED AT MY PLACE
TG: and hes probably so ashamed of me he can barely stand being inside the same moon w me at this point
GG: Why would you think that?
TG: you heard what he said
TG: about how i fell off the wagon
TG: you could just tell how disappointed he was
TG: and he was right to be
TG: is tru
GG: This is just getting silly.
TG: he wants you both 2 bond over his douchemuffininess
TG: ps douchemuffin was his word not mine
TG: im being hellies impartial about all this
GG: We were already sort of doing that!
TG: oh yeah?
GG: Wait, don't tell him that.
GG: That would be mean spirited.
TG: hold up what are you and dirk saying
GG: Oh nothing.
TG: anything bout me
GG: Just some stuff we should have talked about a long time ago.
TG: oh also
TG: he wants me to tell you to give a message to dirk from me too while youre at it
TG: the crocker switchboard is LIGHTING UP today
GG: Why does Jake want you to give Dirk a message through me??
TG: um because hes ridiculous?
GG: Do you actually WANT to say something to Dirk, but can't at the moment?
TG: not really
GG: Wait, is Dirk not talking to you for some reason?
GG: Is that why Jake suggested going through me?
GG: Good gravy, this is getting complicated.
TG: well i mean
TG: maybe he does got a bone 2 pick with me and dont wanna talk
TG: but im not sure
TG: mainly its that i cant bring myself to talk to him
GG: Why not?
TG: hay janey
TG: how u holdin up girl
GG: I feel like garbage. But otherwise, fine.
TG: you off urself yet
TG: ok good
TG: please dont yet
TG: i got a personal back stage pass 2 the jake english self loathing tour
TG: an im in no condition to take the full brunt of his lamentations but im the only one hes talkin to soooo
TG: need a lil support here from my bestie
GG: What is he saying?
TG: he wants me to relay an apology to you
TG: cause he thinks hes not brave enough to say it like ten feet away there on his stone bed and he thinks ur pissed @ him
GG: Aw man.
GG: I don't want to do this.
TG: do what
GG: An awkward "tell him I said" sequence of apologies through text messages.
TG: thats a sane answer
TG: what should i say
GG: Tell him I said we'll talk about it later.
GG: Like, after we're dead.
TG: well maybe i wont say that last part but k
GG: How's it going over there?
TG: not a lot of progress on the dyin front
TG: dont look like dirk much wants to stab me with his manime sword...
TG: tbh waiting around to be buddymurdered and/or off oneself is even more awkward than you would think plus kind of a drag??
TG: specially w a headache blarg
TG: jane this is dumb
GG: Yeah. Call me crazy, but I don't think our candy-addled selves thought this through entirely.
TG: yo trixster mode sucks ass txt it
TG: jane u know what im sad about
TG: fefeta exploding
GG: Yeah. :(
TG: whyd she have to die again like that
TG: she was so sweet and perfect and my friend
TG: she would always just talk and talk about the funniest things from her life as two troll ladies and it always lifted my spirits
TG: am i cursed or somethin jane?
TG: its like
TG: i always seem to accidentally kill my cats
TG: or my half cat girls
TG: who are part sea princess and also an alien ghost
TG: i dunno maybe this line o speculation has no particular coherence
TG: after we go god tier you want to help me have a funeral for her
GG: Of course, Roxy.
TG: i would like that
TG: i always wanted to go to a funeral
TG: is that weird? maybe thats weird i dont know
TG: i mean not like in an especially morbid or gothy kinda way i just think it would be cool to honor her memory
TG: i never did that for frigglish but i should have
TG: shit jakes buggin me again brb
TT: We probably should have talked about this Jake stuff a long time ago.
GG: Tell me about it.
TT: I don't know if I was kidding myself all those years that there was a conflict of interest between us, or what.
TT: Maybe I was just pretending your feelings for him weren't a factor because my pursuit of him was already overcomplicated enough.
TT: Or maybe it was more like I was aware of them, but on some level decided they shouldn't matter, because I felt like you had a natural advantage over me.
TT: Cause you know. You're like.
TT: Not a dude.
GG: But I always felt you had the advantage over me too!
GG: Because you're... YOU.
GG: You make things happen, and I don't.
TT: Yeah well. Turns out maybe that's not such a good quality if you wanna make a relationship last longer than three seconds. At least not in my case.
TT: I know I ripped into him pretty hard when I had the clown hair and the little soda can on my head.
TT: But the truth is I was pretty goddamn overbearing.
TT: Sometimes I look back on stuff and think I might have essentially bullied him into a relationship with me.
TT: Actually, it's more complicated than that. Parts of me were operating independently from myself.
TT: So it's like I was bullying myself into bullying him into liking me. If that makes sense.
GG: It doesn't really. But that's fine. :B
TT: Anyway, my insanity scared him right the fuck off. There were times when I basically treated him like shit without even realizing it, and I regret it.
TT: I should probably tell him that, but given how I just called him an asshole while wearing orange suspenders, I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from now.
GG: Clearly we both used some poor judgment.
GG: Looking back, it seems crazy to me that we both jeopardized our friendship over a mutual infatuation with, let's face it, one spectacularly goofy kid.
TT: Can we both at least agree we may have overrated the allure of Jake English?
TT: Maybe if we could have talked to each other about him it would have helped. Like talked about why we felt that way about him.
TT: At least maybe it would have helped us knock English down from the ludicrous pedestal we put him on.
GG: Yeah. That might have saved us a lot of grief.
GG: It's not like I hate him now, even though that's probably what he thinks. He's still my friend.
GG: But the extent to which I centered my whole life around a childish fantasy about him is just painfully embarrassing in hindsight.
GG: I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at him again without feeling miserable about myself?
TT: So does that mean we're both totally over him now? I can't really tell.
GG: Me neither. :\
TT: I guess the real problem is our clique was too small.
TT: Poor Jake was the only viable romantic target. I mean, considering our respective orientations.
TT: Maybe we just never knew enough people?
GG: Or maybe we just don't need anybody.
GG: As anything other than friends, I mean.
TT: In the interest of appeasing the bitterness gods, let's go with the latter.
TT: Best birthday ever?
TT: Or best FUCKING birthday ever.
GG: In the interest of appeasing the irony gods, let's go with the latter.
TT: Whatever role I played in ruining your party.
TT: Sorry about that.
GG: Oh lord. The LAST thing I give a shit about is my stupid "sweet sixteen".
GG: What a farce. I was trying to act as if we were all living normal well adjusted lives, albeit in a marvelous fantasy setting populated by skeletons.
GG: And if only we just had some cake and wore some hats and I blew out all the candles in one big puff, we could pretend all the problems we had with each other would magically stop existing.
GG: And the most horrifying thing of all is, I actually got my wish!
GG: Haha. Thanks, Calliope.
GG: Oh well. I'm sure she had good intentions.
TT: I still think I've been pretty lousy to you. I had my head up my ass for a while there.
TT: By the time your birthday came around, I was kinda freaking out about Jake.
TT: I thought I had the situation under control. But I didn't. Not just with Jake, but with respect to pretty much everything.
GG: I understand.
GG: Boy, you really let him have it back there!
TT: I guess so.
GG: I had a similar meltdown with him earlier. I'm not going to lie. It felt really good.
GG: At least, it did at the time.
GG: I only wish I could have stayed as lucid as you during our...
GG: How did you manage that?
TT: It wasn't on purpose. Actually if I had a choice, I probably would have just said, fuck it. Sugar shock my brain, please.
TT: Suffice to say, I have trouble escaping from myself. It's kind of a problem. Let's not talk about it though. Please continue.
GG: So instead of keeping my cool like you, I just started gushing over him like a lovestruck loon, surrendering any sliver of dignity I might have earned by telling him off earlier.
GG: I just cannot believe some of the things I said. Oh God. I told him I wanted to get married and have babies!!!
TT: Yeah but to be fair, by the time you came looking for me, all three of you were saying that to anything that moved.
GG: I know! But...
GG: It's one thing to write off something you say to an altered state of mind. But what makes the admission so mortifying to me is...
GG: I actually MEANT it.
GG: And I'm sure he must know that by now.
GG: And now I feel so humiliated I just want to die.
GG: I would ask him to shoot me right here, if I could bring myself to say a word to him.
TT: Somehow I don't think he's up to the task.
TT: Which is doubly unfortunate, since that's literally what we all came here to do.
TT: Speaking personally, I'd probably run this sword through my own dick before I could bring myself to kill Roxy. Even for her own good.
TT: When the chips are down, I guess that's how much of a badass I really am.
GG: We are all such WINNERS.
TT: Yeah, our moxie's off the fuckin' charts.
GG: I dropped it.
"[FUCK YOU!] ==>"
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You finally slip out of the fabled peachbirth trance of the jokebollocks, and cease quaking in the foodsandwich throes of the goofjester tongues, stubborn though they were.
"[S] HA HA HA! HE HE HE! HO HO HO!"
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OH FUCK YOU MAKE A BUNCH OF ZILLY SANTAS.
Ok. You make a ZILLY SANTA.
You guess that's fine.
As long as you only make one.
"Oh, oh! Do a fancy santa."
Are you sure that's really a good idea?
A fancy santa is already such a piece of shit. Maybe let's try not to get carried away making shitty things even shittier than they need to be.
For good measure, you decide to make ZILLYWAVE and SAWHOO.
Just to be on the safe side.
Some day you'll look back on this decision and say thank god I did that.
Flippety dippety doo bup bup shrubber double floppy mumblescurry noodlescoop pizzabubble pizzabubble mip mip mip mip mip mip.
Check it out.
THE THISTLES OF ZILLYWICH
A real hard sword for a real hard dude. It was said to be forged by a Japanese master over the heat of a roaring manga fire. It was cooled in an enchanted spring where virgin horses bathe, and
Yeah this is still just Dirk's sword.
Cast from the most priceless squippyclink ores mined from the famous whooping volcanoes owned and curated by the distinguished Maximillion Hotpocket Puckershuttle Junior, and then packed to the brim with the hilarious traveling Grief Miser's explosive winklepork snuff,
THE BLUNDERBUSS OF ZILLYWIGH
Swashed from the buckles of the rough'n tumble Bellyjape Seamen and offered atop the kingdom's last known wildly occurring pluffy dimplepillow to the resplendent 1st Rumbylumplewiffig of the Horsehorsehorse Administration,
I give you ->
THE CUTLASS OF ZILLYWAIR
Plucked from the revered utensil drawer of none other than the Chieftain of the Trifletoot Clan himself, polished to a gleam in his loincloth by his devoted Abecedarian Buttersquire,
THE BATTLESPORK OF ZILLYWUT
There she is. Forged in fire by the smiths of Pipplemop, commissioned by the sage Lord of the Wozzinjay Fiefdom in the Realm of the Snargly Fruzmigbubbins,
THE WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO
You round up an assortment of ordinary household weaponry and begin to recreate a series of legendary weapons from the seven continents of a magical kingdom from cherubim folklore. The name of the kingdom is a well guarded secret, traded only by the cunning ninnywizards in hushed giggles. If you beheld this kingdom - if you even knew its name - you would understand stupidity no human ever has. For it is said that any mortal who listens to its melodious, perfectly absurd syllables will achieve instantaneous dumblightenment.
Each legendary weapon is named after the continent it was created in. But no one in the kingdom knows which name belongs to what continent, not even the wizards. The subjects frequently ask each other which continent they're on, and as such every conversation tends to sound like an Abbott and Costello routine. Some have even speculated that the vaudevillian comedy duo are the kingdom's mirthful messiahs, but that is a matter of heated debate among the federation of baloneyscholars.
"[S] Jane: Alchemize."
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[image] You there. Small servant with the umbrella
[image] Fetch me a towel at once
[image] I think you should just go for it
[image] This is coming not only from your mystical guide, not only from an alternate version of yourself, but from a dude with a [image] spectacular body
[image] We both know you're never going to be happy under ordinary circumstances
[image] You just do not have the right kind of think pan to sustain that emotion
[image] 100k at me. I needed to merge a sweaty guy who loves horses in order to be happy
[image] Gosh [image] horses Dirk
[image] I think about them all the time while I fle% and it makes me smile
[image] It seems that similarly e%treme measures will be needed for you as well
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fuck you, fuck my liife, fuck liiterally evverything, fuck fuck fuck.
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No jane you are seriously scaring the shit out of me!
You seem unwell...
Are you sure youre alright?
What the hell happened to you?
Jane youre frightening me!
Is that you??
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"[S] Jane: Blast off."
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"[S] Jane: Engage."
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It looks so delicious. You are presumably being compelled to lick the sucker by some powerful juju enchantment. But it's making you nervous. You must resist!
The jujus snap together to form a single SPIRAL SUCKER.
The urge to lick it is suddenly overwhelming.
"Jane: Examine jujus."
What's so magical about these things? You guess you're supposed to lick them. But what magic thing could possibly happen if you lick these, and what's so special about having both of them?? Jujus are so mysterious.
Wait... they seem to be attracted to each other. Like magnets. Whoa. Very STRONG magnets!
You got a RED SUCKER.
This one unsurprisingly yields another unit of ZILLIUM.
"Jane: Alchemize Caliborn's juju."
You aren't a big fan of the guy, but since these are supposed to do something special together, you figure what the hell.
You easily deduce the code Jake was trying to remember. It's uROBuROS. Come on Jake, use your head. Haven't you ever heard of the mythical snake biting its own tail? You worry about that kid sometimes.
Anyway, obviously the code for his juju was going to be the same as Calliope's, but written in the reverse case to match his quirk. Once again your gumshoeing skills pay huge dividends.
You got a GREEN SUCKER, at a cost of negative one unit of ZILLIUM.
Which you guess means... you gain one unit of ZILLIUM in addition to the sucker.
"Jane: Alchemize Calliope's juju."
No point standing around sobbing while getting brainwashed by your computer. You decide to make yourself useful and see what all this juju fuss is about.
You were right.
That conversation made you so, so sad.
"Jane: ... Answer, you guess."
UU: happy birthday, jane! ^u^
forgive me for sUbmitting this letter and logging off right away, bUt i am breaking with oUr UsUal linear dialogUe, and i'd rather not tempt either of Us to trade caUsal spoilers. i wanted to give yoU a present. something told me yoU coUld Use a pick-me-Up aboUt now. :u
i am sending yoU the code for my jUjU. it may not be easy for a hUman to Understand, bUt jUjUs are very special to my people. so when i give yoU this gift, it is indicative of how mUch yoUr friendship has meant to me, jane. it has some magical properties, bUt nothing too fancy on its own. i hope it will bring a smile to yoUr face nevertheless. bUt if yoU want to know the trUth, it will become infinitely more UsefUl if it is combined with my brother's jUjU. perhaps when we begin playing oUr game, i will be able to convince him to relinqUish it. one of these days he'll Understand working with others is going to be necessary if he wants to accomplish anything.
i am so looking forward to my session and catching Up to where yoU are now! i can only imagine what kind of adventUres yoU mUst have been throUgh already. i can't help bUt think we've been feverishly trading notes on oUr respective qUests since yoU entered, no? maybe yoU are even tired of hearing from me by now! u_u apologies both retroactively and in advance for talking yoUr lovely hUman ear off. bUt i jUst know i won't be able to contain my excitement!
anyhow, the code for my jUjU is: "UrobUros"
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
Oh no this conversation is going to make you even sadder isn't it.
You close the chat window without a word. You cannot BELIEVE that guy. Trying to regift you a present, from that ASSHOLE of all people?! You don't want anything from that horrible creep. You don't care HOW magic it is. He can take his stupid juju and shove it up his patoot.
Sorry Tobias, but Jane has decided that you represent Jake for the purpose of this angry outburst.
GT: Jane are you there?
GT: I wouldnt blame you for not answering since i was such a shitty boor to you last time.
GT: I just wanted to formally say happy birthday.
GT: And also to pass along a birthday present.
GT: I doubt it will make up for all the ways ive hurt your feelings but maybe it will be a start?
GT: Its some fancy juju thingamabob that calliopes bro gave to me.
GT: He specifically gave it to me to make me better so i could get stronger and punch him in the snout some day or something?
GT: I dunno about that. I dont think i care about becoming a great hero and challenging a weird grumpy alien all that much.
GT: Not nearly as much as my friendship with you.
GT: So i want you to have it instead.
GT: Just use the code to make it. The code is...
GT: No wait.
GT: Thats way too long...
GT: How many letters were codes supposed to have?
GT: No. Uh...
GT: BROBRO... something?
GT: Wait no there were definitely some little u's in it...
GT: Shit. I really should have copied it down before i closed the chat window.
GT: Wow those arent even close.
GT: Hang on let me think.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased being bothered by golgothasTerror [GT]
Aaaand, wouldn't you know it. Just the guy you wanted to hear from. This ought to be good.
"Jane: Examine wall Swanson."
On the other hand, your WALL SWANSON is still beyond reproach, and Mr. Swanson continues to be the perfect man. You know for a FACT he wouldn't put up with any of Jake's bullshit.
You consider doing the thing where you kiss the poster, but you're feeling way too depressed for that sort of frivolous flapdoodle.
"Jane: Examine wall Tobias."
Like this. Jake sent you the PERIWINKLE HEARTTHROB pinup back when you were still able to think about him without feeling horrible about yourself. Those were the days.
It's funny how looking at a thoughtful gift which once brought you such delight now only precipitates feelings of bitterness. Even the innocent Mr. Funke is caught in the crossfire of your lamentations. How could Tobias be so clueless?? How could he not see the pain he was causing with his oblivious demeanor, his repressed feelings of attraction toward men, and his total inability to understand other people's feelings in spite of his credentials as an analrapist? Of course on the tv show, his buffoonery resulted in laughs galore. But if that was in real life, you don't think there would be anything funny about the situation. In reality, Tobias and his family would probably never stop being sad.
You think you are starting to hate the WALL TOBIAS too.
"Jane: Enter room."
You return to your room. Hey, there's your old UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP. You haven't used that thing in ages. It's probably for the best that you stopped. You're pretty sure it was doing funny things to your head.
Maybe you shouldn't have come here either. All you see is more stuff to remind you why you're feeling super down about everything.
"Jane: Give Cera beagle puss."
HOO HOO HOO!
You... GUESS it's kinda funny?
No. It is not funny at all. It is depressing. You're depressing yourself now.
Your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT goes into a tailspin and hits rock bottom. You have never felt so sad and unfunny in your entire life.
You begin to cry again. The HALLWAY CERA glares in judgment at your weakness through his unfunny puss.
The characteristically tight-lipped HALLWAY CERA unsurprisingly has no advice for you regarding the tragic loss of a family member. You could always relate to the role he played as George Michael, the dorky child of a single, doting father. But unlike you, George Michael was always surrounded by an extended family and their hilarious antics, and he would never know the tragedy of losing everyone he ever loved. You suddenly resent George Michael and the HALLWAY CERA altogether for the happy ending he was allowed to have with his father which you will never get to experience.
In fact, you think you are starting to hate the HALLWAY CERA. Someone needs to wipe that smug look off his face.
Here's this familiar douche bag again. A hallway fixture, ever since dad stopped pretending to like detectives and sitcom guys for your sake. Your dad loved this douche bag, whoever he is. This guy is probably the closest thing you have left to a father, now that your dad is most likely dead.
You consider going to his bedroom, but you decide against it. The ties and hats strewn about, the melange of aftershave and cologne, the childhood photos he keeps of you... no, those reminders could only lead to another mental breakdown. You'll never forget the first breakdown you had when you snuck into his room. You found an unwrapped present before your birthday. It was a box of Gushers, and you were stunned to realize that awful gooey fruit snack was manufactured by the very same company you were due to inherit. As everything you thought you knew came crashing down around you, that day you swore the moment you ascended to the throne of the BCCorp empire, you would issue an immediate global recall of the foul product and discontinue it forever. You often joked that the snacks were so nasty, it was almost like they were filled with multicolored slime harvested from plump extraterrestrial larva. When you told your dad about your plans for the product, you both had a good laugh.
You have got to stop remembering things about your father. It's just way too sad.
"Jane: Return home."
You enter the upstairs hallway after completing a successful SADJUMP on to your balcony.
Finally, some peace and quiet. Hopefully you will find some respite from all the cyber bullying and teen drama you've had to deal with lately.
It's been a while since you were home. You're immediately reminded of simpler times. When it was just you and your dad, and you could always smell something baking in the oven. Actually, thinking about those days is just making you more emotional. Maybe coming home was a bad idea.
"Jane: Keep absconding."
GG: MY DAD'S FINE, I'M NOT FAT, AND I HATE YOU! I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!!!!
GG: AND STOP WATCHING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uu: YOU SHOULD SEE HOW THEY TREATED HIM! THE HORROR HE EXPERIENCED MUST BE DIFFICULT FOR A HUMAN GIRL TO IMAGINE.
uu: PERHAPS I SHOULD CAPTURE ONE OF THE VISUALS. AND SHOW YOU FIRST HAND?
GG: YOU BASTARD! I SAID SHUT UP!!!
uu: HIS AGONY WAS MAGNIFICENT. AND VERY LONG LASTING. YOU SEE. HE WAS A VIP.
uu: A VERY IMPORTANT PRISONER. SO THEY GAVE HIM SPECIAL TREATMENT.
uu: UNDER SUCH CRUEL CIRCUMSTANCES. I BELIEVE HE WOULD HAVE TRADED HIS FAVORITE HAT. FOR A SWIFT END TO HIS HILARIOUS SUFFERING!
GG: STOP IT
uu: BUT IT WAS SO WONDERFUL AND GREAT TO WATCH!
uu: BETWEEN YOUR FATHER'S DEMISE. AND HIS DAUGHTER'S EPIC POSTERIOR. LOOMING LARGE ON MY VIDEO DISPLAYS.
uu: I REALLY MUST THANK YOUR ENTIRE "FAMILY". FOR HOURS OF SCANDALOUS ENJOYMENT!
GG: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!
GG: Your "portrait" is every bit as abysmal as I was expecting. And for the last time. I AM NOT FAT.
GG: I think your claims of attraction to heavyset women, which you present as "flattery," is an obvious ruse to get me to feel insecure about my appearance, and it isn't going to work!
GG: SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!!!
GG: UGH, THIS BIRTHDAY IS SO AWFUL! I CAN'T STAND IT!
GG: WHY IS EVERYONE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT TODAY?
GG: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!
uu: YOU WERE. WAIT. WHAT'S THE CONJUGATION ASSOCIATED WITH "HUMAN BIRTH"?
uu: IS IT. HUMAN BORTH?
uu: YOU WERE HUMAN BORTH.
GG: SHUT UP!
GG: I'M DONE HUMORING YOUR PERVERTED ADOLESCENT MIND GAMES!
GG: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO CALLIOPE!
GG: WE WANT YOU BACK! PLEASE COME BACK AND SPARE US FROM THIS LECHEROUS NINCOMPOOP!
GG: WHY DOESN'T THIS WORK?!
uu: SAYING HER NAME ONLY WAKES HER UP. IF SHE'S ALIVE.
uu: SO YOUR HOG FACE CAN SNORT THE DIRTY SYLLABLES ALL IT WANTS. HELL, I WILL EVEN GIVE YOU A HAND!
uu: CALLIOPE! WAKE UP SIS!
uu: HAA HAA, WHOOPS. SHE CAN'T.
uu: THE BITCH IS DEAD!
GG: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
uu: NO IT'S TRUE. I GOT SOMEBODY TO STAB HER A LOT.
uu: THEN I STOLE HER BLOOD FOR MY LETTERS.
GG: NO!!! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE EVEN YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE!
uu: JANE BITCH. YOUR PREPOSTEROUS FEMALE EMOTIONS ARE GOING EARTH BANANAS AGAIN.
uu: SETTLE DOWN AND LISTEN TO BOY REASON. DO NOT MAKE ME DEMONSTRATE THE VERACITY OF MY FACTS. YET AGAIN.
uu: THAT SACCHARINE TRAMP IS SUCH A GONER. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK.
uu: JUST LIKE YOUR DAPPER HUMAN GUARDIAN.
GG: WHAT?? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY FATHER!
GG: WHERE IS HE?
uu: HE'S FUCKING DEAD IS WHERE.
GG: YOU'RE LYING AGAIN!!!
GG: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
uu: GOD. I'M TRYING TO.
uu: MY FACTS ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY PENETRATING YOUR HYSTERICAL ATTITUDE. LISTEN TO ME VERY CLOSE.
uu: HE WAS CAPTURED BY AN AGENT SOON AFTER YOU BEGAN YOUR QUEST. HE WAS THEN PUT IN JAIL ON DERSE.
GG: So he's on Derse, then?
uu: BITCH, YOU AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRISON SYSTEM ON DERSE?
uu: IT ISN'T LIKE THE SOFT TIME YOU DO ON PROSPIT. I BET YOU NEVER SPENT ANY TIME IN THE JOKE THEY CALL A SLAMMER THERE. LET ALONE ON DERSE.
GG: And I suppose you have??
uu: I WAS NOT VERY WELL BEHAVED. I DID MORE THAN MY SHARE OF TIME. CHAINED TO THE WALL OF A CELL.
uu: HEE HEE! LIKE I WASN'T SO USED TO THAT. I WAS LIKE. DO YOUR WORST.
uu: AND THEN THEY DID. DERSITES DO NOT TREAT THEIR PRISONERS GOOD. TO SAY THE LEAST!
uu: I WAS ONLY ABLE TO SURVIVE THE BRUTALITY. DUE TO MY EXCEPTIONAL CONSTITUTION. AND EVEN TO SOME EXTENT. MY ABILITY TO ENJOY ANGUISH.
uu: BUT YOUR PATHETIC, FRAIL HUMAN "DAD" IS A DIFFERENT STORY. THERE IS NO DOUBT AT ALL. THAT HE IS DEAD BY NOW!
GG: No. Don't say that. Shut up!
uu: I MEAN THAT FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. OF BEING NORMAL, AND NOT A SHITTY ALIEN. TO SAY THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY ATTRACTIVE IN AN UNPLEASANT WAY. TO MY BRAIN.
GG: Nope. That makes very little sense.
uu: FUCK. TRY USING YOUR SUPPOSEDLY BETTER SMARTNESS THAN MINE.
uu: AND THINK SOMEWHAT LATERALLY. ABOUT LIKE. FUCKING CULTURE. THAT ISN'T *YOURS*.
uu: YOU DUMB BITCH.
GG: Yes, I see it all too clearly now. You're really quite the charmer!
uu: NO. COME ON. "DUMB BITCH" IS ANOTHER GREAT COMPLIMENT.
uu: IN THE SAME VEIN AS THAT WHICH I JUST DESCRIBED.
uu: IT'S A TERM OF "ENDEARMENKSKLJJF" I USE TO TALK ABOUT GIRLS. WHO IN MY VIEW HAVE MANAGED TO AVOID BEING.
uu: UTTERLY BENEATH MY PERSONAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. THIS ISN'T COMPLICATED.
GG: Uh huh.
GG: So you're actually trying to claim that you find me attractive, from the alleged "bad means good" point of view of your hate-driven species?
uu: I'M NOT JOKING AROUND, CROCKER.
uu: I'VE UNLOCKED A BUNCH OF YOUR SCREENS. AND SPENT A LOT OF TIME WATCHING YOU.
uu: WHILE THINKING. JUST.
uu: THE *DIIIIRTIEST* THOUGHTS.
uu: HEE HEE. HAA.
GG: You pig.
uu: THE OTHER FEMALE TOO. LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR SQUAD'S BACKUP BITCH.
uu: HOW NASTY IS SHE?? JUST SO FOUL. AND THE THINGS YOU GET UP TO WITH ONE ANOTHER. OH MY.
uu: NEED I EVEN CITE THE ALTERCATION WITH YOUR PUFFY SLUMBER LOAVES?
GG: Excuse me??
uu: MY COMPLIMENTS IN PARTICULAR. ON YOUR COLORFUL UNDERGARMENTS.
uu: WHILE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON THE SOFT HUMAN SARSWAPAGUS.
GG: Oh, that's just great.
GG: The ONE TIME we had a generic girly pillow fight, and it turns out some pervert was watching us.
GG: I think I need a shower.
GG: Assuming I can ever take one again in peace!
uu: DON'T WORRY. YOU CAN'T.
uu: BUT SERIOUSLY. JANE. CAN I CALL YOU JANE? BITCH, LISTEN.
uu: YOU ARE ONE GRODY HARLOT. WHICH MEANS GOOD (BAD) THINGS TO ME, LET'S REMEMBER.
uu: WHEN I UNLOCKED YOU. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'VE CHANGED? OR MAYBE JUST YOU. SINCE YOU TURNED OLDER. BUT YOU'VE REALLY.
uu: FILLED OUT.
uu: SINCE I LAST SAW YOU BEFORE.
uu: HELL YES.
uu: I DO ENJOY A MEATY BITCH. WITH A LITTLE CLOUT.
GG: What do you mean, exactly...
GG: By "clout?"
uu: OH. I THINK YOU KNOW.
uu: WHEN PHYSICAL PORTIONS OF THE BITCH. KIND OF JUT OUT. EXUBERANTLY.
GG: Do you mean...
GG: Why am I even having this conversation!
uu: I JUST HAVE A WEAK SPOT. FOR THE ABOVE AVERAGE HEFT OF YOUR PARTS. WHICH WOBBLE THE MOST.
uu: NOW DO SOMETHING NAUSEATING FOR ME TO WATCH.
uu: I WANT TO SEE A TAWDRY ACT OF HARD CORE SCHMALTZ.
uu: SEE THAT ROCK OVER THERE. PRETEND IT IS THE OTHER INSOLENT BITCH.
uu: ACT A LITTLE NERVOUS. WITH YOUR IDLE HAND, GRAZE ONE OF YOUR MORE BULBOUS LOCATIONS "INCIDENTALLY".
uu: THEN ASK THE ROCK IF IT WANTS TO FALL IN LOVE!!! OOOOOOOH.
GG: What? No!
GG: Are you insane?
GG: I don't care where you are, or whatever the hell it is you "unlocked" to spy on me.
GG: You aren't allowed to sit there all day leering at my boobs!!!
uu: YOUR WHAT.
GG: My... what?
GG: Wait, what were YOU talking about?
uu: NO. TELL ME WHAT THOSE THINGS YOU SAID ARE. I'M SO ENTICED!
GG: Screw you!
GG: Tell me what you were getting at with all that!!
GG: The stuff about "clout," and my "bulbous locations."
uu: I WAS JUST SAYING. MY TASTE PREFERS.
uu: WHEN THE BUXOM SHREW'S PHYSIQUE PUTS A HEALTHY DENT IN SPACETIME.
uu: I LIKE HOW SALTY IT IS. WHEN A BITCH GROWS OUT OF HER SKELETAL PHASE.
uu: AND HER FRAME REALLY BEGINS TO CHALLENGE THE HORIZONTAL DIMENSIONS.
uu: WHEN THE FEMALE RUMP STARTS GETTING MORE MILEAGE OUT OF ITS WIDENESS ATTRIBUTE. MORE BANG FOR ITS BOONBUCK!
uu: IT EXCITES ME BETTER. WHEN BITCHES PUNISH THE GROUND. WITH EACH MEGALITHIC FOOTSTEP.
GG: SHUT UP!
GG: I'M NOT FAT!!!
uu: JANE BITCH. I HAVE NEW ORDERS.
uu: YOU WILL STRIP TO THE SCANTY PAIR OF PARTY PANTS AND THE CLOTH CHEST PIECE WHICH YOU WEAR UNDER THOSE PLAIN RAGS.
uu: THEN FIND A NAUGHTY PATCH OF MUD.
uu: AND ROLL AROUND IN THE MUD. LIKE AN EARTH PIG.
uu: FLAUNTING FOR ME. YOUR SLIPPERY AND SWOLLEN PORCINE PHYSICALITY.
uu: AND MAYBE GRUNT SOME DECADENT POEMS THROUGH YOUR SNOUT. ABOUT SOME SHITFACE YOU "ADOREFJSDKLJJF".
uu: OOOOH YES.
uu: THAT WOULD BE.
GG: GO FUCK YOURSELF!
uu: WAIT! DON'T SHUT ME OUT.
uu: REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. ABOUT OUR DIFFERENT CULTURES OR WHATEVER.
uu: HAVE A FUCKING OPEN MIND, JANE.
uu: I MADE YOU A PRESENT. FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. WHATEVER THAT ACTUALLY IS.
uu: SEE HOW I'M MAKING AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR CUSTOMS?
uu: MEET ME HALF OF THE GODDAMN WAY.
GG: Oh cripes.
GG: What is it?
uu: A SUBLIME ARTISTIC PORTRAIT.
uu: REMEMBER HOW I SAID MY POWER WAS GROWING WITH EACH DAY.
uu: THIS APPLIES AS WELL TO MY PROWESS AS A DRAFTSMAN.
GG: Oh goodness, no. You poor delusional thing.
GG: I don't care what progress you think you've made. You will never be a good artist, dear.
uu: MY ILLUSTRATION IS STUNNING. IT IS NEARLY A PHOTOGRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF YOUR ODIOUS MILKSHAKE.
uu: NOW PARK THE INDUSTRIAL LOAD OF FREIGHT YOU DECLARE A BOTTOM. AND FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY FUCKING EXCELLENCE!
uu: I BELIEVE I HAVE CHOSEN THE PERFECT SHAPE FOR YOU.
uu: IT IS DESCRIBED IN CERTAIN CIRCLES KNOWLEDGEABLE OF THE ARTS. AS. "A CIRCLE".
uu: I AM VERY PLEASED WITH HOW FAITHFULLY IT HAS CAPTURED THE OBSCENE ROTUNDITY. OF YOUR MAGNIFICENT CARRIAGE.
uu: TRULY A SPITTING IMAGE OF THE CROCKER BITCH.
uu: NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY. YOU MAY LEARN SOMETHING.
uu: THE MASTERPIECE AFICIONADO WILL NOTICE. HOW I ACHIEVED THIS HIGHLY ADVANCED AND DIFFICULT SHAPE.
uu: WHAT MOST GIFTED ARTISANS WILL TELL YOU. IS THAT. CIRCLES ARE BASICALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW.
uu: TRUST ME.
uu: IT'S LIKE A PARADOX. A SHAPE WITHOUT ANGLES. WHAT??
uu: SO I FUCKING CHEATED.
uu: I NAVIGATED THE IRRATIONAL PERIMETER BY MAKING A LOT OF EASILY UNDERSTANDABLE, TOTALLY LOGICAL MARKS. FORMING A WHOLE BUNCH OF LITTLE RIGHT ANGLES.
uu: THE CHEATING PART HAPPENS WHEN I DO THIS A LOT. SO IT GOES IN A ROUND DIRECTION.
uu: THIS ONE CAME OUT WELL I THINK. BUT THERE'S ROOM TO IMPROVE.
uu: I HAVE THEORIZED THAT IF I KEEP MAKING BOGUS CIRCLES LIKE THIS.
uu: WHILE DRAWING MORE AND MORE ANGLES. BUT SMALLER. SO SMALL THAT YOU START CAN'T SEEING THEM.
uu: THAT THE ILLUSION OF THE CIRCLE WILL BE COMPLETE! AND PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE IN THE FAKE CIRCLE. LIKE A BUNCH OF SUCKERS.
uu: I BET NOBODY HAS THOUGHT OF THAT CIRCLE STRATEGY. I THINK I'M THE FIRST AT THIS IDEA. AND BEST AT IT ALREADY.
uu: PEOPLE THINK I'M DUMB. ESPECIALLY THE VOICE IN MY HEAD.
uu: AND THEY MAY BE RIGHT ABOUT ME BEING DUMB.
uu: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE SPECIAL WAY I DO THINGS. WHICH IS ALWAYS ACTUALLY. THE PERFECT WAY.
uu: I AM.
uu: A GENIUS!
uu: MY POWER HAS GROWN CONSIDERABLY SINCE I LAST JEERED YOU.
uu: I HAVE MADE REMARKABLE STRIDES ON MY SACRED JOURNEY TOWARD IMPORTANT ADULTHOOD.
uu: ON THIS BULLSHIT PLANET. WHICH USED TO BE YOUR HOME.
uu: I HAVE FOUND MANY KEYS. AND UNLOCKED MANY HOLES.
uu: AND NOW I CAN SEE MORE. AND LEARN MORE. THAN YOU COULD EVER FUCKING DREAM!
GG: How wonderful for you.
GG: I don't care how all-seeing and all-powerful you think you are.
GG: If your intent is to waste my time with more of your pitiful bullying, you are out of luck.
GG: Because that is exactly NOT the sort of crap I am in the mood for today.
uu: I THINK I GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.
uu: HOW ABOUT WE. GNAW THAT ONE OFF AND START OVER?
uu: I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT.
uu: MY PEOPLE AREN'T MEANT TO LIKE ANYBODY. GET IT?
uu: I MEAN, NOT THE WAY HUMANS DO. WE DON'T HAVE THE HUMAN EMOTION CALLED "LOVEKHEKLFSDKF". AND WE SPONTANEOUSLY START MASHING KEYS. WHEN WE ARE FORCED TO EVEN TYPE THE WORD.
uu: ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE DICTATED BY THE MIRACLE OF HATRED. SO WHEN I USE BAD WORDS TOWARD YOU. THAT'S JUST ME SAYING THINGS TO TRY TO KNOW YOU BETTER.
uu: LIKE. "SOCIALLYUOIPY".
uu: AS A.
uu: A... "FRIENDJISJFDJISJSDKFLDJSDKLJF".
uu: HEY IT'S ME.
uu: REMEMBER ME?
GG: What the?
uu: OOPS NO.
uu: *HOLDS SHIFT.* *NOSTALGICALLY.*
GG: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.
GG: You are the absolute last person I want to hear from right now.
GG: And the bottom of that list is pretty competitive territory at the moment!
uu: DON'T BE LIKE THAT. YOU STUPID EARTH COW.
uu: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS. IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH.
uu: LIKE I'M FLAILING A WITHERED MUMMY'S SEVERED LIMB IN YOUR DIRECTION.
GG: I don't want us to become friends!
GG: We all thought you were gone for good. And we liked it that way!
GG: Please don't tell me you've found a second wind of petty trolling in you.
uu: HEY. I DON'T TROLL.
uu: I *JEER*. GET IT RIGHT.
uu: TROLLING IS FOR LOSERS. LOSERS SPECIFICALLY WHO ARE TROLLS.
GG: Whatever. And what's with the ugly green text?
GG: Reading your malformed sentence fragments was unpleasant enough as it was.
uu: I BORROWED IT FROM MY SISTER.
uu: AND SHUT UP. IT LOOKS GREAT.
uu: AND IS NO UGLIER THAN YOU. WHO I CAN SEE NOW WITH EASE. FOR THE RECORD.
GG: "Whom" you can see, moron.
GG: And no, you can't!
GG: Calliope said you couldn't see us at all in our game session. So I think you're lying!
uu: AM I REALLY.
uu: WHEN RIGHT NOW I AM LOOKING AT A HOMELY FEMALE IN DUMB BLUE PANTS. SULKING IN A GRAY PLACE. TYPING ON A COMPUTER WITH A STRANGE HUMAN FACE?
"Jane: Ollie outie."
i was just...
it was a joke!
WAS IT REALLY?!
ok maybe not a total joke
but still mostly a joke!
i dont know
ROXY, I GET YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, BUT A LOT OF THINGS YOU'RE SAYING HERE AREN'T REALLY HELPING!
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING HALF THE TIME?
I THINK I LIKED YOU BETTER WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING!
dont say that
i had a problem :(
3833 < 38(
I WAS WAY OUT OF LINE THERE AND I'M SORRY!
THAT STUPID CONVERSATION WITH JAKE JUST PUSHED ME OVER SOME KIND OF EDGE AND NOW I AM FEELING REALLY, REALLY DISTRAUGHT!
THIS GAME IS SO MUCH MORE DEPRESSING THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE! EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND EMPTY AND FULL OF GRAVES AND ALL WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IS JUST KEEP WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING! BUT FOR HOW MUCH LONGER? AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHERE MY DAD IS, AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REACH CALLIOPE, AND WHAT IF THEY'RE BOTH...
AND NOW ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I MAY HAVE PERMANENTLY DESTROYED MY FRIENDSHIP WITH JAKE!
I just want to be alone.
I have to go!
where are you going!
was just tryin to cheer you up
take ur mind off whatever the hell that was
you werent serious about calling off the party were you
here let me just get the chess guys to help put the table back on the roof
and maybe salvage the cake out of that sand dune over there...
aaaaand NOPE the chess guys just finished eatin it
lets just bake another k?
NO, I WAS SERIOUS!
I'm not in the mood for a party anymore.
so it sounds like
u got jaked
that is the face of a girl who just got english'd with extreme prejudice
he was a block head and forgot your birthday didnt he
im sorry jane
Yeah, me too. Can we maybe not rehash the whole terrible conversation though??
yeah we dont have to
just maybe try not to hold whatever dumb shit he said against him forever?
thats just how the guy is
he doesnt mean to be a douche
but its just kind of a byproduct of the whole ridiculous jake english experience
like his dunkass shenanigans leave behind a residue that looks like douche and tastes like douche but it aint the real thing?
like douche substitute
"i cant believe its not douche"
im just trying to say not terrible things about him in hopes you dont start hating each other but i guess this isnt what you wanna hear now
i guess jakes dumpin dirk soon?
hahah like the writing wasnt so on the wall with those two from day one
ive wanted to say something to prepare him for that but
never had the heart to bring it up i guess?
what can u do....
but the silver lining is
i mean if you can forgive him for shitting on your bday and stuff
maybe this is finally your chance to make a play 4 the j man??
3833 < 38D
AS IF THAT ISN'T THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND RIGHT NOW!
I AM SO DONE WITH THAT WHOLE TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
so you really think youre just
completely over him?
IF JAKE'S THE RAINBOW, THEN JUST CALL ME A LITTLE HOUSE FROM KANSAS!
as in like you dont give a shit if he dates anybody or
3833 < 38O
YOU AND I BOTH KNOW FEFETA HAS HAD TO DEAL WITH GARBAGE FROM JERKOFF BOYS BEFORE.
SO DON'T GIVE ME THIS POOR FEFETA CRAP.
my girl fefeta knows whats up
she been around the d bag block a time or 2
em i rite fefeta
3833 < 3;3
shit yes gimme a paw bump
jane u want in on this action
come give us a fist fulla sugar
complete the 3way for max girl power + solidarity against dumb dudes
janey jeez dont leave us hanging here
jane that was the piss poorest paw bump ive ever seen
that was like a negative bump
we are going to have to bump long and hard into the night to dig us outta this fuckin bump hole you dug us into
w/ that tragic bump
that bump was like
makes me want to weep softly and leave a bouquet somewhere
someone plays a sad trumpet in the distance
look fefeta just sniffled a little at how sad that bump w-
u ok there
I WILL BE PEACHY FUCKING KEEN ONCE I STOMP THIS NOVELTY MUSTACHE HEADSET INTO OBLIVION, AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER!
that aint a reasonable thing you said
I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT ONCE THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAS BEEN REDUCED TO SUBATOMIC PARTICLES, WE WILL ALL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE FUCKING ROSES.
ur upsettin fefeta
think of fefeta is all im asking
poor fefeta :'(
3833 < 383
GT: Did i say something dumb again?
GT: Consarn it.
GT: I think maybe something is getting lost in translation over our respective chat clients.
GT: Maybe we should wait until tomorrow and just clear the air face to face at your party?
GG: YOU AREN'T COMING TO MY PARTY!
GT: Aw come on jane. Be a sport.
GG: YOU AREN'T COMING TO MY PARTY, BECAUSE THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A PARTY!
GG: GO RAID SOME TOMBS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. GO MAKE OUT WITH HIM OR BREAK UP WITH HIM, OR WHATEVER IT IS YOUR FICKLE, SELFISH HEART DESIRES!
GG: I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE WITH YOU!
GG: I AM FED UP WITH YOUR STUPID MOVIES AND YOUR STUPID ADVENTURES AND YOUR STUPID OLD TIMEY CHARMS AND YOU STUUUUUUPID DASHING GOOD LOOKS. WHO NEEDS ANY OF IT?????
GT: I say jane. Before you do anything rash...
GG: OH, WILL YOU PLEASE,
GG: DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE TALKED?
GT: Wasnt it a few days ago?
GG: NO. TRY A FEW WEEKS AGO!
GG: AND EVEN THEN, YOU MESSAGED ME JUST TO TALK ABOUT SOME STUPID SHIT THAT HAPPENED WITH DIRK.
GG: A TEDIOUS GESTURE WHICH YOU THEN SAW FIT TO REPRISE ON MY BIRTHDAY OF ALL DAYS, WHILST CONSIDERATELY FORGETTING ABOUT IT!
GG: AND EVEN WHEN I REMINDED YOU ABOUT IT, YOU STILL BARGED AHEAD WITH YOUR SELF-INDULGENT RELATIONSHIP CLAPTRAP ANYWAY!
GT: I didnt realize it was so long ago. Sorry about that.
GT: Again all i can say is where does the time go? I guess i have trouble keeping up with everything im supposed to. Which it would seem includes personal relationships as much as calendars.
GT: Im not much of a leader of people. Not like you are jane. I think when it comes to adventuring maybe im more of a solo act?
GT: Which now that i think about it might be contributing to my problems with dirk. Maybe thats part of the reason why i needed some space?
GT: Oh brother there i go again blustering about my problems. I guess i see what you mean.
GT: But really if you wanted to talk sooner then why didnt you get in touch with me?
GT: It feels as though im always the one to say hello to you lately.
GG: YEAH! THAT'S BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE TIME WE CHAT, YOU DO NOTHING BUT TALK ABOUT YOURSELF!
GG: YOU NEVER ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING OR WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO. YOU JUST LAUNCH INTO YOUR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS, AND I JUST LISTEN LIKE AN ACCOMMODATING FOOL AS ALWAYS!
GG: SO I JUST STOPPED BOTHERING! WHY SHOULD I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT REPEATEDLY?!
GG: YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE MOST THOUGHTLESS, SELF-CENTERED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!
GG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO FEEL...
GT: Used to feel what?
GG: JAKE, HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU HOW IT MUST FEEL FOR SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO HER FRIEND GO ON AND ON ABOUT HIS BOYFRIEND PROBLEMS WHEN...
GG: WHEN ALL ALONG SHE...
GG: BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T SAY BECAUSE SHE BLEW IT AND IT WAS TOO LATE TO...
GG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M BOTHERING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU. NEVER MIND.
GT: Now hold the phone.
GT: Jane i think i may finally understand whats been going on here.
GT: In retrospect i cant believe ive been this blind.
GT: Youre right i really can be deplorably thick sometimes.
GT: Looking back i can see how many of our conversations must have been torment for you.
GT: You really should have told me how you felt sooner!
GG: YEAH. I...
GG: I know. :(
GT: If you told me you had the hots for dirk i would have backed off without another word.
GT: What are friends for!
GT: What in tarnation is the matter jane?
GG: WHAT'S THE MATTER?
GG: WHAT'S THE MATTER???
GG: I AM SICK.
GG: AND FUCKING TIRED.
GG: TO DEATH.
GG: OF YOUR INSUFFERABLE BLITHERING BULLSHIT!!!!!!
GT: Whoa there.
GT: You seem really worked up. Maybe we should just calm down and talk this through like sensible adults?
GT: Also youre going kinda heavy on the caps there arent you? Sort of makes it seem like your shouting. Just saying.
GG: I AM SHOUTING!
GG: THERE ARE LITERAL SHOUTS OF ANGER COMING OUT OF MY ACTUAL MOUTH, AND THEY ARE DIRECTED AT YOU!
GT: Well ok then.
GT: Can you tell me why youre so upset with me?
GT: Is it because i forgot your birthday party? Because i do feel awful about that.
GG: OH MY GOD. WHY ARE YOU SO CLUELESS?
GG: I CAN'T STAND IT!
GT: Really i feel like a tool about forgetting. You know how i am. I forget stuff.
GT: I mean...
GT: Shucks buster. If i knew how to make it up to you i would.
GT: If it ameliorates matters any i am sighing pretty much the shucksiest buster of contrition i can manage.
GG: IT'S NOT ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY!!!
GG: THE FACT THAT YOU FORGOT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP, BUT THAT'S NOT IT. SEE, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
GG: OH, AND COULD YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING SHUCKS BUSTER?!
GG: SHUCKS BUSTER WAS MY THING! AND YOU STOLE IT!
GT: I thought shucks buster was...
GT: Sorta our thing?
GG: NO, IT WAS MY THING, BUT I ALLOWED IT TO BE OUR THING! BACK WHEN YOU USED TO GIVE A SHIT! BUT NOW IT'S JUST MINE, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE!
GT: I suppose i could go with shoot buddy. Or...
GT: Fudge junior?
GT: Or maybe forgo an analogous catch phrase altogether heh.
GT: But i clearly stepped in it big time with you and id really like to know what i did.
GG: STOP TALKING.
GT: I dont...
GG: I SAID SHUT UP.
GG: THE FUCK,
GT: In a way you really have been the glue holding us all together on our adventure. Gosh youre a standup gal.
GT: Oh which actually reminds me of ANOTHER thing thats been bugging me about dirk.
GT: He can often be almost hilariously self absorbed. Dont even get me started on when he starts going off on these long monologues about his philosophical gobbledygook.
GT: I'm not sure he actually has much of a filter when it comes to what others regard as interesting points of conversation.
GT: Not to rag on the guy too hard but i guess at times i would just like to see a little more self awareness from him is all.
GT: Did i tell you what happened on our last expedition together?
GT: I cant remember if i mentioned. Oh man but thinking back on what happened its even more ridiculous in retrospect.
GT: Where do i begin?
GG: Shut up!
GG: Shut up!!!
GT: Did i say something wrong?
GT: Its true. I havent seen him in a couple days.
GT: I have been laying low for a while but i just received another series of pushy inquiries from him.
GT: Maybe i shouldnt be too hard on the guy since he was probably just concerned, not having heard from me and all.
GT: But i still couldnt help but detect a tone of desperation, like he could sense i may be having doubts.
GT: This kind of thing has been all too common unfortunately.
GT: Im not sure its going to work anymore.
GT: He can be so needy!
GT: If only he could just relax and trust that i wont spontaneously tire of his company.
GT: Although the irony i guess is that his overbearing tendencies are beginning to fulfill his own paranoid prophecy.
GT: Its such a shame. Weve had so many capital adventures together.
GT: I dont know why he has to be like this. He always was an intense fella. But in person... holy cow.
GT: I wonder if it has to do with the fact that he grew up alone in the middle of the ocean? And now he doesnt know how to deal with people without suffocating them?
GT: But then again i grew up under similar circumstances and i think i turned out pretty much ok socially, at least i hope so. Do you think so jane?
GT: Actually it just occurred to me. Its funny he didnt mention your party in his text.
GT: Im SURE he wouldnt have forgotten. He never forgets ANYTHING what with all his calculations and his computerized brain. Both figurative and literal.
GT: I wonder what his game was? He invited me on an expedition without mention of your party as a potential conflict...
GT: If he sensed i could use some space perhaps he was concerned that if we both showed up to the party it would be awkward?
GT: Or maybe he didnt want to mention he was going to the party in case it would spook me away from attending?
GT: Argh! Do you see jane?? This is what his endless machinations do to you!
GT: Anything he says could be part of some grand convoluted scheme and it just makes you agonize and boggle and wonder until your brain hurts and you just KNOW its a battle you cant win.
GT: You know what i mean jane?
GT: Do you think i should just bite the bullet and end it?
GT: Its probably the right thing to do.
GT: Boy am i not looking forward to that conversation though.
GT: Its going to be a doozy. What did i get myself into here?
GT: I think ive made a lot of mistakes honestly.
GT: Not the least of which was getting this shitty tattoo, now that i think about it.
GT: Yes yes i know we all thought it was a riot at first.
GT: I guess it still is maybe? But lately ive been wondering if it might not have been an act of sound judgment.
GT: Can you believe that jane?
GT: I dont know. Its a real pickle im in here but i do feel better just being able to get it off my chest.
GT: You are such a good friend jane, always ready to listen to my relationship woes. What a trooper!
GT: How long?
GT: What, like a year already since we entered? Holy moly, where does the time go.
GG: It's been more like five months.
GT: Well thats still a pretty long time.
GT: I have to admit its been a longer stint than i expected. Certainly one involving more downtime than i would have guessed.
GT: I really thought we would have been treated to more action, what being legendary players of a mysterious cosmic game. But no, it seems the primary duty of the so called nobles is to wait around twiddling our thumbs.
GT: I am really beginning to wonder when these fabled heroes will arrive? And are they really going to be those we have been led to believe?
GT: I sure hope so. Id so love to meet my pen pal. Dear old departed grandma. But as a feisty youngster! What a hoot thatll be. And you with your poppop. Lets not forget about him.
GT: Not to mention the young strider and lalonde relatives. I bet theyre a barrel of laughs. I met them once but i was too shy to say anything. Then i got in a fight. Did i ever mention that jane?
GG: Many times.
GT: Not to say its been all downtime and doldrums. Exploring has been great. Finding treasure, solving riddles, becoming better friends. I wouldnt trade that for anything.
GT: And maybe we are getting close to something big happening regardless? Every day it seems like more and more undead creatures crawl from out of the shadows. Bigger ones and stronger ones. Does their presence herald something worse coming, just as the legends indicate our presence heralds something better?
GT: I just wish we could actually kill the fucking things. Even the little ones can absorb so much damage before yielding any spoils!
GT: Remember jane? Remember at the start how we kept trying to kill them?
GT: We would all gang up on like an imp skeleton for an hour just clobbering it repeatedly. Knocking its bones down, waiting for it to reassemble and keep coming at us. Only to finally be rewarded with a shitty pittance of grist!
GT: But i guess the silver lining was it forced us to explore ruins more often and scavenge for loot there. So i think weve learned a lot more this way.
GT: But it sure makes resources hard to come by, having to get them exclusively from chests and whatnot. Sometimes i wonder if weve been missing out on a really rewarding part of the game by neglecting to build up our houses? Makes you wonder. But it just costs so much! Better to stick to making more practical stuff dont you think?
GT: Sometimes i wonder if the heroes had the same problems in their game. Do you think they found an easier way to kill skeletons?
GT: Were they just as shameless as us when it came to splurging our precious grist on swanky new duds?
GT: Did the same enigmatic bard haunt their game? And if so which hilarious dead trolls did he throw into the flashy blobs?
GT: Mr erisol tells me he knows many things about the heroes because he saw them in action when he was alive. But he wont tell me a thing about them! These troll sprites sure do love keeping their secrets dont they? Heheh.
GG: That's nice, Jake. I'm kind of busy though.
GG: What did you actually want to talk to me about?
GG: Actually, why don't we just talk about it tomor-
GT: Okay we can talk about that if you insist.
GT: Really jane you sure know how to twist a fellas arm!
GT: I just wanted to get your take on what you might call my own personal ultimate riddle.
GT: It involves dirk.
GT: Wait dont tell me.
GT: Is it a tomb or a crypt or somesuch? Are you preparing for another grist seeking expedition??
GT: Oh shit did you schedule my assistance for the raid and i forgot all about it???
GG: No, Jake.
GG: We didn't need your help raiding a tomb. But thanks for thinking of us.
GG: I don't know what this clueless pair of damsels would do without you.
GT: Well what in the name of willy howard tafts great tub choking bottom could i be forgetting then?
GT: This is going to drive me CRAZY! Can you give me a hint?
GG: Yes. It has to do with the day I was born, which was almost exactly sixteen years ago.
GT: Of course! Your birthday!!!
GG: Didn't you get Roxy's invitation?
GG: It was my understanding that she gave you and Dirk notice weeks ago.
GT: Yes thats right. Now i remember. The date sure snuck up on us quick didnt it?
GT: Sorry you know how things can slip my mind. The gourd on my shoulders isnt the steel trap it used to be. Nothing like the well oiled puzzlebuster you've got up there.
GT: Well damn.
GT: Looks like the egg monster took quite the spirited dump on my face this time.
GG: Jake. I... what?
GT: I feel so dumb. Ill be right over.
GG: Well, if you recall, the party is actually tomorrow.
GG: Like I said, we're just setting a few things up.
GG: Roxy is putting up some decorations. I baked a cake. You were of course free to join us early too. I just thought since I hadn't heard from you in quite some time, you had better things to do.
GT: You baked a cake for your own party?
GG: Yes. So?
GT: I dont know something seems amiss about that. Isnt that against tradition or inviting bad luck or something?
GT: But I guess it makes sense since you love baking cakes. Its like a present you give to yourself!
GG: Jake, what was it you actually wanted?
GT: Oh. I just wanted to get your advice on some stuff.
GT: But since ive been a heel and forgotten about your party maybe i shouldnt bother you with that?
GT: So sixteen big ones huh! The ole sweet sixteen.
GT: Last one of us to notch the vaunted one sixer. Its a big step! I knew youd make it, i always said i believed in you didnt i?
GT: Just kidding, the inexorable nature of times passage virtually assured you would get that old so you didnt really have anything to do with it. I mean not that i dont still believe in you, i do.
GG: Oh. Hello, Jake.
GT: Im not interrupting anything am i?
GG: Um, not really? Roxy and I are just setting a few things up here.
GT: Ah i see. I would be happy to message you again later if it would spare you any inconvenience.
GG: No, it's fine! It's really nice to hear from you, actually.
GG: I was starting to worry you might have forgotten.
GG: Oh no...
GT: Forgotten what now?
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GG: I'm bringing my computer with me. I can tend to Roxy's entry along the way.
TT: This is an atrocious idea.
"Jane: Follow the rabbit."
GG: I think it might be some kind of transport device, that works via teleportation.
GG: A kind of "transportalizer," to coin a completely silly and novel term.
TT: That's great. Now sit back down and wait for Roxy. She'll be home soon.
GG: But I think that's where my dad went too!
GG: I have to follow him.
TT: No, Jane. Do not follow the rabbit.
TT: Let's cool it with the Wonderland shit already. How much further through the damn looking glass do you even need to go?
GG: Hey, where's Lil Seb?
TT: Just wandering around. Fidgeting and stuff.
TT: You know how he is.
TT: Just stay at your post until Roxy gets back.
GG: I think he went through the door.
GG: Dag nabbit. This trackpad is AWFUL!
GG: Lousy dad computer.
GG: Why does he have to buy his computers at the Dadly Depot?
GG: Why does he have to buy EVERYTHING at the Dadly Depot?
GG: I really need to keep looking for him soon. Thinking about our expeditions to the Dadly Depot is making me miss him.
TT: You really need to hurry up and deploy that junk instead of that.
TT: No time to get into that now though. Just deploy the devices quickly.
TT: You know the drill.
GG: Right. Let's see.
GG: There's hardly any space in here to put anything. I'll have to make some room.
GG: I don't want to damage any of her belongings though.
TT: That would be unconscionable.
GG: Hey! Where are you??
GG: I can't find you anywhere in your crazy house.
GG: It's just wizards and pumpkins as far as the eye can see.
GG: I hope you're ok!
GG: Please get back to me as soon as you can.
"Jane: Zoom out."
GG: Roxy, where are you??? :(
TT: We'll track her down.
TT: The important thing to do now is deploy all the devices quickly, so the house will be ready to jet the moment she gets back.
GG: How do you know she's not hurt?
TT: That is statistically remote.
TT: Given that I can track the coordinates of certain devices she carries, and they are presently in motion.
TT: Really, the fire is not the most significant threat, or even the drones.
GG: Then what is?
TT: Do you see the red stringy stuff coming from the sky?
GG: What IS that??
GG: But where is she?
GG: Hah, her drink is still there. So she can't have gone far.
TT: Oh snap.
GG: I don't see her anywhere in the rest of the house.
GG: I see plenty of plush wizards and window gizmos, and... pumpkins? Really, Roxy?
GG: What an unusual house design. Are all homes in the future like this?
TT: You mean the ones that aren't under water? Yes. They are all almost exactly like that.
GG: I just tried messaging her. But no response.
TT: I'm sure she's out cruising the hood, probably messin' with the locals.
TT: Maybe attempting some ill advised drunken heroics.
TT: Pretty tight numerical probability of that, I just decided with unfeeling precision.
GG: She said things were on fire when we last talked?
GG: Actually, she said the whole neighborhood was burning down, if I recall.
GG: But judging by the view from her window, it looks lovely outside.
GG: What exactly is the danger I am saving her from here?
TT: Zoom out.
TT: Way out.
"Jane: Answer client shades."
TT: Hold up.
TT: Before you go any further, there's been a change of plan.
TT: Well, not a change of plan so much as an acceleration.
TT: Everyone needs to get into the game sooner than expected. There is a new unaccounted for variable.
TT: Particularly for Roxy and Dirk.
GG: What is it?
TT: They are probably going to die if they don't join the game very soon.
TT: Hey, I'm upset about it too, but let's watch the fucking language.
GG: Ok, what do I do?
TT: Install the server. I downloaded it to your computer along with a few other crucial system upgrades when we established our connection.
GG: Upgrades? What upgrades?
GG: Wait, is that how this stupid "Delirious Biznasty" application got on here?
TT: No comment.
TT: Install and run the server.
TT: You will be connecting with Roxy. I will have Jake connect with Dirk. Setting up the chain like this will be important.
TT: It seems that I again have no comment.
GG: Very well then, Mister Zipperlips.
TT: I don't have lips. You just said something laughably illogical.
TT: How typical of someone who isn't a fashion accessory of immeasurable intelligence.
GG: Whatever! Let's curtail the horseplay this once while I help Roxy.
GG: Ok. I installed it. Now what? Should I run it?
TT: Yes. That copy is programmed to connect automatically with the client she's running.
GG: Okey dokey. Doing that now.
GG: Hey, I can see her room! :B
"Jane: Examine door."
You can smell his cologne. Or at least you think you can. Maybe you're just imagining it? You know what, it doesn't matter. Someone punched through this door, and that guy was your dad. End of story!
Another incoming message from your client shades. Your client human sure is a busy guy. You've barely heard a peep out of him since you got here.
Your nimble friend returned with the duplicated obelisk, allowing you into the crypt to pursue your father. Ahead appears to be a locked door, that was punched clean through. You are on the right track. You are sure of it.
"Jane: Pester UU."
GG: Are you there?
GG: Oh my! You answered!
GG: You never answer.
UU: don't i?
GG: Well, no. I don't mean to be accusatory.
GG: I am just surprised.
UU: right then.
UU: what can i do for yoU?
GG: Well... nothing in particular. Just thought it would be nice to catch up.
GG: I was beginning to think I was the only one of my friends left alive.
GG: Maybe this gloomy place full of salamander bones and dusty old relics is starting to get to me.
GG: Not to mention the most unwelcome presence of entrepreneurial clowns and their enormous codpieces.
UU: coUld be.
GG: I'm still trying to track down my father. I've been gathering clues, and I may be getting close.
GG: Do you by any chance know if I might see him soon?
GG: Are you there?
UU: oh. yes.
UU: keep going where yoU're headed.
UU: things will work oUt in time. yoU'll see him.
GG: Phew! That's nice to know. Thanks.
GG: You aren't usually forthcoming with future tidbits. Er, not that I was always especially eager to believe you about them anyway.
GG: But I think I've been coming around on that lately, for what it's worth.
GG: So, um.
GG: Are you ok there?
GG: You seem rather preoccupied.
UU: i'm sorry.
UU: i am not having the best day. u_u
GG: What's wrong?
UU: where do i bloody begin.
GG: Is it your brother?
UU: well that goes withoUt saying doesn't it? he is ALWAYS a problem.
UU: bUt it's more than that.
UU: when i sleep and visit prospit, i see nothing bUt storm cloUds in skaia now.
UU: my great big lovely ball of blUe has been cloUding over. soon i fear it will be completely black, and the kingdom will be shroUded in darkness.
UU: i wish i Understood the meaning of this terrible omen.
GG: That sounds awful!
UU: and my brother has become more Uncooperative than ever.
UU: he intends to play the game, bUt refUses to treat it like a collaboration.
UU: i have told him many times that the only way we can win is to work together! bUt he wants it to be yet another competition between Us, like everything has been all oUr lives.
UU: his threats to kill me have become harder to dismiss as his UsUal empty bravado.
UU: i fear it may come down to having to kill him first.
UU: althoUgh i am not sUre exactly how i woUld go aboUt this, or if i will even be Up to the task. umu;
GG: I had no idea things had gotten this grim for you. I am so sorry.
UU: yes. bUt i'll cope.
UU: the real troUble thoUgh is i'm not sUre if i can play a sUccessfUl session withoUt him.
UU: a two player session was already risky enoUgh, satisfying bare minimUm playing conditions.
UU: and i had it on good aUthority that the two of Us woUld be able to sUcceed, particUlarly given oUr... well, withoUt intending to boast. varioUs advantages.
UU: bUt i have no idea if a session of one is viable.
UU: honestly i cannot for the life of me imagine how.
UU: it may well resUlt in a void session like yoUrs, bUt withoUt the promise of any extenUating circUmstances.
GG: Are you sure it's hopeless with him? You can't reach a truce, just for the sake of playing?
UU: i Used to hope so, bUt i doUbt it now.
UU: he barely cares aboUt the game itself, other than as a means of escaping oUr planet.
UU: he has always been more motivated by the ongoing game between Us.
GG: I think you have alluded to this before, but I never really understood.
GG: What game?
UU: it is simple. we are playing a game together.
UU: we have been forced to, for as long as we've known each other.
UU: bUt the rUles are complicated, and often shifting. and they don't always make sense!
UU: at least, they woUldn't to yoU.
GG: Try me!
UU: many yoU woUld not recognize as rUles, so mUch as sUperstitions.
UU: a variety of caveats and stipUlations. things that woUld invite misfortUne if i were to break. it woUld be very bad jUjU.
UU: i have not been able to tell yoU my name for this reason.
UU: doing so woUld lead Us all down a very slippery slope! bUt i have wanted to tell yoU so. i hope my relUctance has not compromised oUr friendship.
GG: Of course not. I wrote off your reticence as one of your many eccentricities long ago.
GG: I still want to understand this game with your brother, though.
GG: Could you describe some of the other rules?
UU: mm, yes. we have both renoUnced hemotyping Until the resolUtion.
UU: it is in the same vein, pardon the pUn, as a qUirk. it's the old tradition whereby one types in his or her own blood coloUr.
UU: so he and i have embraced neUtral tones to speak in, for the time being.
UU: most hUmans do not practice hemotyping, presUmably dUe to lacking diversity in blood class.
GG: But your race has varied blood color?
GG: Then what would yours be?
UU: i am a lime blood. UuU
UU: while he's got the bright cherry blood, jUst like yoU all do.
UU: not that this matters since we are alone here, bUt interestingly, in ancient troll cUltUre we woUld both be considered pariahs.
UU: for different reasons of coUrse. those of his blood coloUr were very rare, existing by way of genetic glitch only. they were oUtcasts, having no place in the social order.
UU: on the other hand, those of my blood coloUr were once actUally qUite common! bUt later they were all hUnted to extinction.
GG: Jeez. Why?
UU: details of the genocide are historically mUrky. it's one of those maddening voids in my Understanding of yoUr elaborate epic.
UU: bUt i have specUlated their extermination had to do with the extremely powerfUl abilities they tended to have, and the threat to aUthority they represented. even more so than other powerfUl lowbloods.
GG: Are you saying you have such powers?
UU: maybe. :u
GG: But he does not?
UU: he has other, Um. traits.
GG: Maybe he is jealous of you, which is why there is such resentment?
UU: oh, probably. he is an oUtright mess. if yoU can name a problem with me, he's got it.
GG: The way you described it, I had always envisioned your contentious relationship as one played out mostly online.
UU: yes. it is!
GG: And also that you and he had never met. Yet some things you have said lately appear to contradict this?
UU: jane, i am sorry, bUt this is something i jUst cannot get into. for one thing we woUld be creeping way too close to breaking the rUles, and then we woUld all be bUggered.
UU: even if i were at liberty to say, it woUld take so mUch time to explain everything. and i really mUst be getting to sleep again soon. i am terribly worried aboUt the people of prospit dUring sUch dark times.
GG: I understand.
UU: sUffice to say, all games that are played have boUndaries. a stage to which all pieces and moves are confined.
UU: like a chess board! there is no reality to the game beyond the edges of the binary grid.
GG: That makes sense, but I'm not sure I see how it applies.
UU: i know. it was more infernal gammoning on my part as i dance aboUt these rUles.
UU: it's all one can do when everything he or she ever does is jUst another move in a game.
UU: i am so sorry, jane. i woUld have loved to be more forthright with yoU since the day we first spoke.
UU: yoU are a dear friend to me. yoU and yoUr chUms. yoU are all the only friends i have ever had.
UU: i was planning on giving yoU a gift.
GG: You were??
UU: yes, bUt i was going to wait Until completing my qUest before sending it to yoU.
UU: bUt now that things are looking rather bleak here, i may have to consider accelerating the delivery.
GG: What is it? Or is it a surprise?
UU: it is a sUrprise! bUt i will tell yoU this mUch.
UU: it is my jUjU. it is very dear to me.
GG: Your juju?
UU: a talisman of sorts, with many cUrioUs properties and rUles for implementation.
UU: as yoU may have gathered aboUt me, i have learned the hard way that it always pays to follow the rUles. :U
GG: Where did you get it?
UU: it was an heirloom, yoU coUld say. passed on from ancestors. i have always had it.
UU: jUjUs are said to have origins which are impossible to Understand or trace. some say they emerge spontaneoUsly from the void.
UU: they cannot be trUly dUplicated. if there ever appears to be more than one of the same, it is only a mirage of caUsality!
UU: nor can they ever be destroyed. not completely, at least.
UU: so when i send yoU mine, it will be no small matter. it will not simply be copied throUgh alchemy.
UU: yoU will be the new owner, and mine here will cease to exist.
GG: Um... gosh.
UU: bUt UnfortUnately it will have no valUe to yoU Unless i send my brother's jUjU as well.
UU: and he will not relinqUish control of his Unless i best him at oUr game. this is another of oUr rUles.
GG: It sure sounds like you two are up to your necks in this crazy game.
UU: oh yes. we are Up to qUite a bit fUrther than oUr neck in it. ~_u
UU: bUt it's alright. i love games.
UU: my brother, on the other hand...
GG: Not such a big fan of games?
UU: on no, qUite the contrary.
UU: his passion for games transcends any hUman Understanding of love.
UU: for yoU to Understand it woUld be to fUlly comprehend the meaning of...
UU: how to pUt it.
"Jane: Answer again."
GG: Welp, let me have it!
TT: Have what?
GG: A hard time for botching up the pooch!
GG: I think I just locked the door with that muttonheaded stunt. And now that mirrored obelisk is good as gone.
TT: I wasn't going to say nothin'.
TT: Hell, I was asleep at the wheel too while you were busy fucking up, and I have an IQ of, hold on, robo-calculating...
GG: Oh brother.
TT: About 500 billion.
GG: That is really, really robo-smart.
TT: Don't get human-fresh with me, Crocker. I'm about to bring all five hundo-billy points of my stringent cyborg IQ to bear on your dumb problem. Check it out.
TT: I took note of the captcha code to the thing, and recorded a digital flashsnap of its appearance through my photographic silicone memory canals.
TT: Which is to say I looked at eight alphanumeric digits a couple minutes ago, and remembered them.
TT: So give the bunny the wallet. I'll have him run back to the house and make you a new obelisk with the same grist you just collected from it.
TT: He can stash it in the wallet and run it back to you, and then you can open the door. You shouldn't be waiting around too long, cause he's real spry.
TT: Which is exactly why you should wait here. You'll just slow him down.
GG: Alright, I think I can do that.
GG: What should I do in the meantime?
TT: Let me think about that.
GG: Oh stop it!
GG: None of our friends will answer me. What could they be up to?
GG: You must at least know what Dirk is doing.
TT: He's slicing up some drones.
GG: Some what?
TT: Big red robots. He'll be busy for a while.
TT: Roxy I'm not sure about, but there is a pretty high probability as governed by the immutable laws of mathematics that she is preoccupied similarly.
GG: She's fighting robots too, you mean?
TT: I don't know. Maybe.
TT: Dealing with them, in some way, perhaps.
TT: If so, it wouldn't be a coincidence.
TT: I think the Condesce is attempting to force the issue now.
GG: What? What issue!
TT: It's likely that it's a coordinated assault. Sending drones both to here and Roxy's place.
TT: She's probably trying to get everyone else to stop dicking around and join the game already.
GG: Are you sure she's not just trying to kill them?
GG: It wouldn't be her first assassination attempt.
TT: Yeah, but come on. Dirk has been a sitting duck here for years. Roxy too.
TT: She could have wiped them out any time with a swarm much bigger than this one. Or just nuked them.
TT: Her "assassination attempt" on you was pretty weak too.
GG: But it nearly worked!
GG: I would be dead right now if not for the whims of GCat.
TT: Like I trust the motives of that fucking thing.
GG: So, you're saying she's only pretending to hunt us?
TT: I believe she probably would genuinely like to kill us. She is a psycho after all.
TT: But it's also obvious to me she needs us to begin playing this game, for whatever fucked up purpose she has.
TT: She might even need us to win it too, for all I know.
TT: Her antagonism is all part of the dance.
GG: Then you're saying Dirk and Roxy aren't really in danger from the robots?
TT: Oh, I wouldn't say that. They're still pretty deadly and they shoot missiles and stuff.
GG: Augh! I just want to talk to my friends and see if they're ok.
GG: What about Jake?
TT: No idea what's going on with him right now.
TT: I'm sure when the time is right, the witch will keep pushing him along to join the game as well.
GG: Then I guess I'll just sit here and worry about everyone quietly until Seb gets back.
TT: What about your troll friend?
TT: The alien whose name you don't know.
TT: You could talk to her.
GG: Oh yeah!
GG: I forgot about her.
GG: But I suppose that's because she's always the one to contact me. I never get a response when I message her.
TT: Well, you could give her a try. Maybe things are different now.
TT: I could hack into her system to get her attention, if you think that would help.
GG: You can do that??
TT: Nah, just messin' with you.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
"Jane: Proceed to crypt."
Aaaaaand the door's locked now.
Looks like that obelisk was important after all. It was lighting up one of those globe switch doohickeys at the bottom of the hole, which was apparently keeping the door open. Just great.
Real nice work there, gumshoe.
The built-in GRIST GUTTER on the widget immediately kicks into action, collecting all the grist overflow exceeding your current low limit. You guess that's pretty convenient.
You honestly thought these features were a lot of meaningless nonsense before. Like an example of BCCorp's strange sense of humor, made into a product sold for top dollar. The fact that this turned out to be a useful gizmo well in advance is either reassuring or unsettling. You aren't sure which.
You put the card in the widget and holy smokes! That thing was worth a fortune in all kinds of weird looking grist denominations. Seb springs into action and scoops it all up for you in a jiffy with his busy little legs.
"Jane: Captchalogue obelisk."
You stick the OBELISK in the wallet. Fits like a dream. The ray of light is no longer reflected into the hole. Sorry, puzzles.
TT: Shred it.
TT: you HAVE
TT: the car.
TT: Now shred it.
TT: Turn it into grist.
GG: I am not going to destroy my dad's car.
TT: We need grist though.
TT: I can't get any building done without more.
TT: Not to mention the fact that you're not going to be able to make any cool shit.
GG: There has to be a better way to gather up grist, though.
TT: Well, I think there are supposed to be monsters here.
TT: I haven't seen any monsters yet, have you?
GG: No, and I can't say I'm too disappointed.
TT: You should be though. Presumably they would drop grist and stuff when you kill them.
TT: Like treasure. And food products that restore your health. Or at least make you less hungry.
TT: Haven't you ever played a video game, Jane?
GG: Of course I have!
TT: That's cool. I haven't, since I am a pair of sunglasses, and communing with such simplistic software would be a trivial and hollow exercise for me.
TT: But I know loads of stuff about games. Like the fact that you gotta kill monsters if you want to make progress.
TT: If not to snatch up the bitchin' loot, at least for the levels.
TT: How are you going to get better at fightin' without killing monsters, Jane.
GG: I think I've done a fair job of scaling my echeladder without resorting to the slaughter of innocent, fictional monsters, thank you very much.
TT: You've barely done any climbing at all. I'm talking about hopping more rungs than what playing a little prank on your dad or throwing your hat on the ground super hard is gonna get you.
TT: You need battle experience to make some real headway. Like Jake.
GG: I'm getting a little tired of various iterations of Dirk Strider telling me how I need to be more like Jake.
GG: I know you think Jake is neat. I know all the Dirks just ADORE Jake! I GET IT!
TT: Wow, chill out.
TT: This ain't about whatever stuff you're apparently fixin' to twist your shit in a pretzel over.
TT: You just need to get stronger, is all. Don't you think that's what your dad would want?
GG: You don't need to remind me about that. I'm suddenly having flashbacks to a few years ago when he would ambush me almost every day for a pointless round of strife.
GG: Boy does getting swatted with brooms and having cakes shoved in your face get old fast.
TT: Yeah, but in the process you got pretty handy with that fork/spoon thingy, didn't you?
GG: Well. Yes.
TT: I'm just saying, if you don't run into any monsters on this planet, I think I'm going to have to set the bunny to "sparring mode" to help you along.
GG: I am not going to spar with Lil Sebastian!!!
GG: He is too quick and deadly to fight with.
GG: And also, too adorable. :B
TT: Ok. We'll see about that.
TT: But in the meantime, we need to figure out a way to start harvesting grist.
TT: Let's forget the car. But now that you have the wallet, you can grab much bigger things.
TT: Big things have got to be worth more grist than all the picayune bullshit you keep around the house.
TT: There are some choice relics in this place. Some of it has to be worth a fortune, gristways.
GG: You could be right.
GG: I will give it a try.
"Jane: Get car."
Now armed with your father's roomy, sleek leather wallet, you retrieve the family sedan with ease.
It looks like a cool pair of shades wants to talk about your sweet new ride.
"Jane: Examine note."
You think your dad maybe left the wrong note in the wallet? He probably meant to leave one pertaining to how you're mature enough to inherit his wallet, and what a big responsibility a wallet is for a strong young woman, or something like that. Dad leaves tons of notes like this around for such occasions, so it's probably easy for him to get them mixed up sometimes. He is a highly professional and competent father, but the guy is still fallible after all. D'aww.
"Jane: Investigate clue."
It is your dad's WALLET. This is surely the end of the line. Ahead is another crypt. You wonder if he went in there? There's another one of those obelisks nearby shining a light down a pit, serving some dang purpose. Probably has some ridiculous bearing on a puzzle like five miles away. Like activating an elevator or a conveyor belt or something that just leads to yet another stupid old skull.
Actually, looks like there's one more thing left in the wallet. It's a note.
Hang on. Lil Sebastian is gesturing further ahead. It seems there is another clue on the path.
"Jane: Keep looking for dad."
You have been following a trail of clues on your quest to sleuth the whereabouts of your errant father. He seems to have left a variety of items behind, in hopes that you might notice and follow him. You have picked up each item along the way, until you reached this car. It is squeaky clean from today's earlier automotive ablutions, but obviously there is no way you can pick it up. It was probably the last thing he had to leave behind, which means your trail is about to go cold.
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nO, No, nO, No, nO, No, nO, No.
yOU HAVE TO,
Undo this somehow.
aRE YOU LISTENING TO ME, cLOWN, aND
Whoever the fuck you are????????
mAKE ME STOP 8EING THIS THING!,!,!,!,!,!,!,!,
Ok, I'm sorry for screaming there. That fellow over there just caught me quite off guard with this... uh... stunt.
You seem quite upset. I think we should all try to calm down and figure out what to do.
Um, yes. Well, first of all, my name is Jane. Pleased to meet you.
What is yours?
fUCK, mY NAME,
i AM, a STUTTERING, rEPELLENT, uNHOLY.......,
hOW, fUUUUUUUUCKING MUCH,
H88888888te myself right now, !!!!!!!!
This is all your fault. Look at what you've done!
i H8 YOU BOTH, I h8te, EVERYTHING.
I h8te, the way, i FALTERINGLY, sPEAK OUT, my jum8led, tHOUGHTS,
i H8, hOW i DRAAAAAAAAG OUT, tHE THINGS, I say, sOMETIMES,
I don't even know, wHICH PARTS OF MYSELF, aRE H8TING, which things????????
i JUST H8TE,
Can't you do something? This poor creature shouldn't exist!
"Jane: Say hello to your new guide."
Person, ality is........
The clown says he can all motherfuckin abide about that. He doesn't want to get his step on to any motherfuckin toes. But he says if he's not going to be your guide, you gotta at least have SOMEONE as a guide, to all guide you on your way through this quest of miracles.
He tells you to hold your shit while he retrieves something from his CHEST OF WHIMSY. You say, you mean the refrigerator? He acts like he didn't even hear you.
Ok, what the FUCK are you going to do with all these stupid potions? Talk about buyer's remorse. You have had enough of this vulgar clown and his pushy potion peddling.
You do not want him to be your guide and you politely ask him to leave your property.
"[S] Jane: Cautiously approach."
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"[S] Jane: Proceed."
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TT: Looks like you're getting the hang of these puzzles.
TT: Nice work.
GG: Thank you!
GG: That last skull was a doozy, to be honest.
TT: Yeah, I guess. If you have a human brain, sure.
TT: Personally, I've already solved all conceivable skull puzzles for all possible skull states, which is a thing that's like, no big deal for me?
GG: Har har.
GG: Hey, I thought you couldn't see me once I left the house?
TT: I can't. Not through the server's viewport.
TT: But I can still monitor your progress through Lil Sebastian.
TT: He and I are linked the hell up cyberwise. We are so tight. Tight like you wouldn't believe.
GG: Oh yeah?
TT: It's like he is the Incredible Hulk's pants, and I am his monstrous package yearning to bust loose.
GG: Blehhhh, why??
TT: It seems there is a way bigger than average probability that you do not want to discuss Bruce Banner's megalithic gamma schlong.
GG: That figure would be sitting pretty at one hundred percent.
TT: Holy shit!
TT: Some of my circuits exploded. That number was intense to robo-consider.
GG: Ok, let's stop talking about stupid things for a minute. What a completely absurd environment for our typical blithering discourse.
GG: I am hot on the prowl for more clues about this strange and mysterious land!
TT: Ha ha.
TT: I don't know.
TT: Just, ha ha to that.
GG: Anyway, I think I'm getting closer to finding where my house went.
GG: Then I can reunite with dad, and together we can sleuth this great big pickle of a planet!
TT: Well, the good news is your house should be just ahead, if you keep following the trail.
GG: Yes, I knew it!
TT: The bad news is your dad's not there anymore.
GG: Oh no!
TT: I guess he got antsy and left to explore. Maybe he's looking for you?
TT: I tried to block him from leaving with some furniture, but the dude was having none of it.
GG: Golly, why did he have to leave??
GG: This really complicates matters. I hope he doesn't get lost.
TT: Don't worry, we'll find him. I'll have Seb search within a likely radius. The little guy is real fast.
GG: Yes. Good idea.
TT: In the meantime, you'd better go find your house. We aren't making any progress in this game without it. It's kinda central to the gameplay, you know?
TT: If you need Seb to do anything from afar, just message me, and I'll give him the orders. Got it?
GG: Got it! Thanks!
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
"[S] Jane: Proceed."
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GT: Jane? Yoo hoo.
GT: No dice?
GT: Okey doke then i just wanted to see what was up with you.
GT: I figured you must be starting up the game by now? Cant wait to get the scoop!
GT: I just had a lets say encounter with dirks dumb robot and well its over now lets just leave it at that.
GT: Headed into the ruins now to seal the deal with this rabbit malarkey finally. Then i can join you!
GT: Not a moment too soon probably. I think this volcano is about to blow?
GT: Its making me mighty nervous im not going to lie.
GT: The grounds been shaking and everything.
GT: There it goes again aw frig this is a big one.
GT: Ohhhh shit.
golgothasTerror's [GT] skull helmet computer ceased operating due to a severe blow to the head.
GG: Jake! Wait!
GG: Oh no.
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TG: urgent cornespondence 4 profeffor bffsy over
GG: You won't believe where I am right now.
TG: betch u i will
GG: Ok, maybe you will.
GG: But I'm in the game finally! It's considerably more outlandish than I was expecting.
TG: what were u spectin
TG: for mangic not 2 be real or something
TG: lol what a dope
GG: No, I was thinking...
GG: Well, I don't know. Something more like...
TG: wow k shoosh
TG: jane i actuatly dont have any time
TG: i have literally like 1 minute
TG: i only wanted to ask one thing
TG: did you talk to jake
TG: about u know
TG: do i even NEED to wonk??
GG: THAT'S why you're contacting me???
GG: Roxy, please, I don't think you understand.
GG: There are MYSTERIES here.
GG: REAL MYSTERIES AND PUZZLES TO SOLVE.
TG: thas cool so howd it go with jake
TG: did doc crock prantice her love medizine on THE ENGLISH PATIENT ;) <3<3,4
GG: If you really want to know, I completely blew it with him forever. Satisfied?
TG: aw wahat that FUCK
GG: He asked me if I liked him, and in the heat of the moment I panicked and said no.
GG: And then he went on this whole thing about Dirk, and...
GG: That's that.
GG: Can we drop it now?
TG: jane this is totals the shittiest love report i ever heard
GG: It's not a "love report!" Will you stop it?
TG: jane im pissed
TG: i am so pipsed about this i want to just go there and smack ur ass
TG: u HAD him and oh jane siiiign
TG: the ONLY reason i got 2 cut short on ripping you a new one ofer this debacle is the fact that everything is literally on fire right now
GG: What? There's a fire?
TG: no jane theres a fire when youg go camping and pack marshmalmows while smiling like an asshole
TG: the whole neighborhoof is burning down
TG: by which i mean lilerally every single fuckin builbing
GG: Oh, gosh.
GG: Please be careful!
TG: stil just
TG: SM f'n H about this jake thang
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
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UU: hUzzah! yoU did it! ^u^
GG: Oh, hello.
GG: Did what, exactly?
UU: made it to locah! yoUr own personal planet inside the game, tailored to yoUr personal qUest.
UU: i've observed yoU here before, of coUrse. bUt this is the first time i've contacted yoU here.
UU: better to keep things on the Up and Up vis a vis oUr mUtUal linearity, no?
UU: sUre? :u
GG: Yes. Sorry. I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed by what just happened.
GG: A giant pit seems to have swollen my house whole! My dad is missing too. I think I should try to find him as soon as possible.
UU: i Understand.
UU: pardon my grUmpy demeanoUr. i jUst had a nap and did not sleep well.
GG: Ha ha, you call this grumpy?
UU: wasn't i being? :u
GG: Not exactly!
UU: well good! i do my best.
UU: really, as if my dreadfUl nap were not bad enoUgh, i woke Up to find my coplayer has made a terrible mess in here.
UU: bUt the good news is he has at least agreed to play with me once and for all. some people make nothing easy.
GG: That's good.
GG: But wait...
GG: I thought you said you've never met him?
UU: i haven't!
UU: not in person.
GG: Then how did he make a mess in there?
GG: Did he break into your room while you were asleep?
UU: oh, yes, well, hmm.
UU: the thing with that is this.
UU: the thing with that is that we shoUld talk aboUt something else!
UU: why mUst yoU be sUch the vigilant gUmshoe, jane?
UU: always with the gUmshooery. pitch that pUzzlesavvy toward the conUndra littered aboUt yoUr planet!
UU: i'm becoming grUmpy again. do forgive me.
UU: what do yoU think of the place by the by?
UU: yoUr new home!
GG: It's rather desolate. Pretty eerie, actually.
GG: I haven't run into anyone at all. I think I might be alone here?
UU: yes isn't it great?
GG: The balloons are nice, I suppose.
UU: reminds me mUch of home. so peacefUl, so mUch space to yoUrself and time to think.
UU: yoU're so lUcky. i can't wait to get to my planet!
GG: Yes. But what about your brother?
UU: right, that.
UU: aboUt that.
UU: got to rUn! Ta, kisses, all that stUff!!! u3u
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
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"[S] Jane: Enter."
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"Jane: Examine pre-punched card."
You have no idea what you're looking at here. What are you supposed to do with THIS?
Oh well, might as well get started. It's not like there's anything left to do besides embarrass yourself over Pesterchum some more. You've already done enough of that today to last a lifetime.
GG: Get this shit out of my face.
TT: But you need it.
TT: Is something wrong?
TT: What were you two talking about?
GG: I don't want to talk about it, and if I did, I sure wouldn't want to talk about it with you!
TT: Should I be offended, or apologetic right now?
TT: Help me out.
TT: You're talkin' to glasses here.
GG: I just want to go to sleep and not wake up forever.
TT: I think I'll just put this card over here on the desk.
GG: Yeah sure why the hell not.
GT: Well i was kinda going to let it play out and just see what happens and go from there...
GT: But you think a more proactive approach would be better?
GG: He likes you.
GG: You seem to like him well enough.
GG: Why not??
GG: Sounds good to me!!!
GT: I must say this sort of advice surprises me coming from you!
GG: And why would that be?!
GG: What, are you expecting me to advocate a more conservative approach?
GG: To tell you to keep being shy and cagey and keep beating around the bush indefinitely??
GG: What would ever give you that idea about me!
GT: Yes i guess that is a certainly a strategy to consider.
GT: Jane i must say your perspective on this is refreshingly bold.
GG: I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT AS REFRESHING BOLDNESS GOES I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS.
GT: Hehehe! Sure looks that way!
GG: Screw it!
GG: Ask him out.
GG: Just kill the suspense already.
GG: Become boyfriends and such.
GG: Have some babies!!!
GT: Whoa now!
GT: Jane the decision to sire children with your best bro is not one to be taken lightly.
GG: Okay I think I have to go.
GG: I have this stupid game to play.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
GG: Not to cast doubt on your feelings, but are you quite sure all of Dirk's actions have been for the sake of courtship?
GG: You did say his robot was prone to assailing you, did you not?
GG: Is that really an affectionate gesture?
GT: He basically sent me that thing as kind of a sparring partner.
GT: Like to wrestle with.
GT: And i love to wrestle!
GT: And yeah i guess he programmed it to be a bit overzealous but i mean what do you expect from the guy.
GT: I think its his way of training me to become tougher.
GT: Which sometimes is annoying and sometimes when i walk through the jungle im sweating bullets wondering if its going to pounce on me outta nowhere.
GT: But theres actually something kind of exciting about that its like every day is more of an adventure.
GT: And truthfully its probably working i probably AM getting better at being in scrums.
GG: I guess you're right.
GT: And his responder which i guess is really a part of his personality even if he doesnt like to say so...
GT: It kind of lets on a lot more than dirk ever would. Its almost like its this weird clone of himself playing passive aggressive matchmaker between me and his real self.
GG: I can see how such a complicated relationship could keep you preoccupied.
GG: I guess I can't blame you.
GG: Maybe you should just...
GG: I don't know.
GG: Maybe you should just go for it.
GG: Hell, why not.
GG: Just tell him you know how he feels and that you're open to the idea?
GT: I have never told anyone all that. Its so great to have a friend as good as you.
GG: That is what I am good for, it seems!
GT: If we hadnt cleared the air just now i probably never would have had the gumption to talk about it with you.
GT: Its so cool how you were honest with me about how you felt. I think honesty is always the best policy. I cant believe how much i was overcomplicating all this in my head.
GT: Haha the situation is really pretty funny when you think about it.
GT: Have i mentioned what a top notch friend you are jane?
GG: As a matter of fact you have.
GT: Now please dont take me as saying im about to go leaping into his arms or anything.
GT: That would be a bit brash.
GT: Haha could you imagine??
GT: But my thought process sort of went like this.
GT: Hes been my best friend forever and ive always liked him a lot as a bro.
GT: And years ago i used to joke around with him that we would probably be totally into each other if he was a girl.
GT: But of course that was before i started to realize he was probably serious about those feelings for me regardless.
GT: Heheh come to think of it maybe that was unwittingly poor form on my part kind of leading him on or something?
GT: But then...
GT: Later i started thinking.
GT: Maybe i was being kind of unfair to him in the first place?
GT: I mean by saying we would be a good match only if he was a girl.
GT: Like is that last condition there really all THAT important?
GT: Does that make sense?
GT: Its having some sort of mental episode.
GT: See this is what im talking about jane. This is what im dealing with here.
GT: Sigh. Like i said my life is many different hells of complicated.
GG: Jake, could you just tell me what you're talking about?
GT: Youre right. I did say honesty was the best policy didnt i so i might as well not keep certain things so close to the vest anymore.
GT: Actually since youve made your feelings apparent and only see me as a friend that makes it a lot easier!
GG: Haha, yes!
GT: Maybe you could help me sort out some stuff that has been weighing on me lately?
GG: Well what are friends for Jake!!!!!
GT: Jane are you alright?
GT: You seem to be exclaiming more liberally than usual.
GG: HOO HOO HOO!
GG: I'm just
GG: I'm feeling so...
GG: I clearly just want to be a good friend and bring all my AMAZING FRIENDLINESS to bear on your problems.
GG: Friendlystyle! Ahahahah?
GG: Shit I mean
GT: Thats aces. Jane youre a sweetheart.
GT: So as i was saying.
GT: I cant help but feel like all this stuff going on with dirk like his responders mind games and his brobots mysterious and brutal hazings...
GT: Are all like...
GT: Man i know this is going to sound crazy.
GT: Like theyre all part of a really long term and esoteric courtship process that is bizarre but somehow makes perfect sense in his mind.
GT: Yes from dirk.
GT: To you know...
GT: Woo me.
GT: I know its hard to believe but i know dirk pretty well and...
GT: Well im more than a little sure he likes me in that way if you catch my drift.
GT: And what with how he is...
GT: Just so relentless and aggressive about everything you know?
GT: So i just start to wonder deep down if maybe its inevitable.
GG: What's inevitable?
GT: Him and me. As more than just best buddies.
GT: I know if he has his heart set on something he will never let up.
GT: So maybe its just going to happen and things will be easier that way and i should just try to come to terms with it?
GG: I don't think you have to do anything you don't want to, Jake.
GG: DO you not want to?
GT: Like i said jane i am inclined to entertain certain ideas and what ifs thats all.
GT: I mean we do get along really well and share a lot of interests.
GT: Im not saying im really GUNG HO TO THE MAX about the proposition but yeah ive given it some thought.
GT: I dunno.
GT: Do you think thats weird of me? For even considering it?
GG: I don't think that makes you weird, Jake.
GG: I think
GT: What jane?
GG: I think that it's great if you are open to exploring those feelings.
GT: Very well then.
GT: Jeez i mustve really misread that one! I feel like kind of a bone head now.
GT: Are you sure the answers no?
GG: I guess...
GG: Sure was the thing I said! Ha ha.
GT: Yes fair enough.
GT: I guess i did put you on the spot there didnt i.
GT: You know it may sound cocky of me but i really was not prepared for this answer!
GT: You must think im just this epic friggin tool now. Couldnt say id disagree if you did.
GG: Oh my God, what am I saying here?
GG: Jake, I didn't mean it! I didn't want to make you feel that way!
GT: Now jane lets not backpedal here.
GT: Youve spoken the truth and i greatly appreciate and respect you for that.
GT: But now that i think about it you know what?
GG: No? :(
GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief!
GG: It is?
GT: I consider you to be a lovely lady of the highest caliber and i really think any gent worth his salt would be a huge bozo to let the chance to go steady with you slip through his fingers.
GT: Ive even given the possibility some thought myself.
GG: You have?
GT: Sure im only human jane im going to entertain lets say certain ideas. What ifs. You know?
GT: Like what if we did meet up some day? And you asked me out or something. Im sure id say yes given all weve been through together and then well who knows?
GG: You would??
GT: Probably but im kind of babbling here. The point is those are all just silly daydreams about stuff and about your feelings for me that i was projecting on you which werent even real.
GT: And now that weve been honest with each other about this we can kind of move on and just be great friends.
GG: Oh boy!!
GT: And its a load off to be honest because that was lot to think about on top of everything else!
GG: Everything else?
GT: Things are kind of complicated for me jane. With you and roxy and dirk and his crazy responder and now...
GT: Well its a tangled web lets just put it that way.
GG: I don't think I'm following.
GT: There are a fuckload of irons in the fire jane!
GT: So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It is a web full of flaming irons.
GG: And mixed metaphors, apparently?
GT: Exactly. See? You get it.
GG: I really don't, Jake.
GT: Oh son of a bitch!
GT: The robot is being weird again.
GT: Aloha madame.
GG: Hey there. I was actually about to message you.
GT: Yes i have heard that maybe your correspondence was forthcoming.
GG: You did?
GT: I just got off the horn with roxy.
GG: What did she tell you?
GT: Well. Not anything all that specific.
GG: Did she goad you into writing this message?
GT: Oh you know how it is. What with her ways.
GG: What ways?
GT: You know... ways!
GT: I believe they are not incongruous with those of a feisty and provocative young woman.
GG: Provocative my behind!
GG: She is skirting dangerously close to meddlesome territory.
GT: No its really not like that!
GT: Hold on...
GT: God dammit.
GT: Its just dirks inscrutable wrestlebot acting up over there.
GT: What the fuck is it doing now?
GG: Has one of his gadgets been causing trouble for you over there as well?
GT: If by causing trouble you mean clobbering the everfriggin tar out of me while still switched to the "novice" setting then yes.
GT: But that is not why i messaged you!!! I will not be deterred here jane.
GG: Deterred from what?
GT: Jane i think its time we had an honest to goodness dame to fella talk. Like about our...
GT: Stuff. You know?
GG: Our stuff?
GT: Our feelings.
GT: Like how we feel about each other.
GT: I dont think im out of line in suggesting weve been tiptoeing around some things here do you?
GG: Have we?
GT: I think so. Its just a hunch.
GG: Is there something you want to say to me, Jake?
GG: About how you feel?
GT: I feel that total honesty between us will be the best policy as we begin our journey together.
GT: So i say lets put all the facts on the table where we can both see them.
GT: With that in mind i would like to ask you a question jane and i hope it doesnt strike you as being too forward.
GG: Go on.
GT: Maybe its just my imagination but ive picked up on certain lets say hints.
GT: So i have to just come out and ask. Hoo boy this is actually proving to be a serious challenge to my bravery now that im going through with it.
GT: Im getting a little hot under the collar here!
GG: No, it's ok...
GG: Please continue!
GT: Ok then.
GT: What id like to know is...
GT: Do you like me jane?
GT: I mean do you like me as more than a friend?
GT: Do you envision us as like...
GT: An item? A romantic pairing of sorts?
GG: Wow, um.
GT: Is that the direction in which you would prefer our relationship to progress?
GT: Please! Be honest with me jane.
GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me?
"Jane: Answer Roxy."
TG: ALART ALART ARLART AL*ERT AL*ART!!!!!
TG: hugely important cornespondence
TG: paging doctor crocker
TG: rolal to docrock
TG: heh heh
TG: bet you would like to get PAGED huh jane
TG: *sweet innuendo
GG: I'm not sure that qualifies as innuendo at all.
GG: I honestly think you misspell things intentionally more often than not, regardless of blood alcohol content.
GG: You just typed wonk five times in a row!
TG: i have only junst begun to wonk
GG: What is this urgent thing about, anyway?
GG: Is it about your boobytrap?
GG: Because you're too late. It already blew up my whole bedroom, thank you very much.
TG: no no
TG: i mean i still feel shitty about that but its not abiout that
TG: i know you already ran it i been talking to the shades
GG: Yes, me too. Right now in fact, and I'm in a bit of a hurry!
GG: What is this about? What are you even doing?
TG: im in the lab doing a thing with my cat
TG: but that doesnt matter i was doing some thingkin and was still feeling guilty about fuckin up ur computer and all of the sudden im in bff~ath mode here
TG: so i gotta tell you something u need to know before its too late
GG: Before what's too late?
TG: you and jake hookin up stupid!
GG: Oh my god.
TG: this is about turnin all your steamydreamz in to STEAMAY REALTITIES
TG: ***realities lolo
GG: This isn't happening now...
TG: whereins jc + je kiss & hug loads and start turnin out big heaps of wrigglers the old fashioned way<3<3,3,3<338O!!!!
TG: i cant decide whether this mental image porcolating here is hot as shit or cute as fuck......
GG: No! Cease your lascivious porcolating at once!
GG: Roxy, I can see you're set on just wasting more of my time.
GG: I understand if you don't wish to play this game, but please try not to interfere with those of us who do!
TG: no no im fine with playing just shut up
TG: this is serious you need to tell him how u feel VERY SOON
TG: or you might miss your chance
GG: My chance?
GG: What are you talking about?
TG: i found out today taht dirks gonna make a move
GG: A move? You mean, a romantic one?
GG: On you?
TG: JANE GET A CLUE
GG: On me?
TG: no my dear sweet janey not on you
TG: ON JAKE!!!
GG: I didn't think...
GG: Are you sure?
TG: p sure ask glasses if u want
GG: Well then.
GG: This is quite a development.
GG: Poor Dirk!
TG: what do you mean
GG: Well, surely when he reveals his feelings, Jake will...
GG: I mean...
GG: He couldn't possibly...
TG: why not
GG: Because Jake is not a homosexual!
TG: mm hm
TG: are u suuuuuure???
GG: Are you saying he is?
GG: Then what are you saying?
TG: im saying that
TG: i dont fuckin know
GG: I thought it reasonable to presume he takes a shining to ladies.
GG: He does speak fondly of certain females from his favorite films, does he not?
TG: true that
TG: how much does that really mean here jane
TG: can you be totes sure on account a some dorky moive crushes
GG: Well, now I just don't know. You have me completely bamboozled about this.
GG: What do you think?
TG: all im saying is
TG: my gaydar is like the exanct fuckin poposite of urs
TG: which is to say it is better than completety nonexistant
TG: mine is so sensitive it has been used to sweep the ocean floor for mythical sea monsters
TG: turns out
TG: all of those monsters are SO gay
TG: truth B)
GG: Okay. Then what does your acute seabeast scanner make of Jake, then?
TG: thats what im sayin
TG: i really have no idea
TG: kid is a goggamn egnigma
TG: hes as hard 2 read as fine print
TG: and how i do mean FIIINE ;)
GG: Oh brother.
GG: Then, your guess is as good as mine?
GG: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to conclude from this.
TG: youre supposed to concluce
TG: that you SAID you were going to believe anything i said today remember??
GG: But you just said you don't know!!!
TG: therefore you must believe me when i say
TG: if dirk lets on all his feelins there is at least a CHANCE jake will go like DERP OK DUDE LETS MAKE OUT
TG: and that means poor jane is screwed without ever even throwing her filthy old fedora in the ring
TG: it is a ring i lke ot call TEH ENGLISH SPEEPSTAKES
TG: and if u dont youll regret it
TG: and i mean
TG: i cant have a horse in the race
TG: wait bad metaphor ebcause of dirk and his fucking horstes n/m
TG: like you are both my friends and im not out to mess him up or anything
TG: but i kinda owe it to you as my friend to let you know whats up
TG: and also to get you to stop being such a WORLD CHAMPIAN TIGHTASS
TG: and let jake know
GG: Oh, not this tightass baloney again.
TG: jc your are the tightassiest tightass who ever tightened up an ass
GG: No way!
GG: We settled this, remember?
GG: My prior resolution made it definitive; I was to be regarded as exceedingly permissive in certain respects!
TG: jane i am afraid
TG: that ur bottom
TG: is a stubborn clam
TG: guarding priceless treasure
TG: and a deadly secret
GG: So ridiculous. >:P
TG: im not saying be an idiot and start gushing at him incoherentry
TG: but do SOMETHING
TG: say how u feel
TG: or flirst a bit or ask him out on a date inside the fuckin game or such
TG: goddamn ANYTHING other that a bunch of bullshitty pining and tightassy NOTHING
TG: you have to do what i say u promised
GG: I promised to BELIEVE what you say, not DO it!
TG: those 2 things are
TG: prespicely the same shit
GG: If I agree to say something, will you stop tormenting me about it??
TG: but only
TG: because that will be impossible for me to do
TG: when u + him r snoggin hard in motherfuckin makeout paradise
TG: A K A SEX LAND
GG: But let the record show that this resolution has almost nothing whatsoever to do with your use of the phrase "SEX LAND."
GG: I need to think of what to say, and wait for the right moment. Is that ok???
TG: just dont wait too long
TG: and dont underestimate striders wiles
TG: nor jakes...
TG: lets say
TG: open mindedness???????
GG: He does often profess his love for adventure, I suppose.
GG: I really don't have a moment to spare, do I?
TG: ur finally gettin it
TG: now go
TG: and jane im warning u
TG: if you dont say somethin to him
TG: i am personally entering the game specivically to FUCK UR SHIT UP
TG: *LOLLIES OUTIE*
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
"Jane: Pester shades."
TT: Ok. Looks like all that's left to do is deploy this pre-punched card, then I guess it's all up to you.
GG: Oh, wait.
GG: It's Roxy again.
TT: Is it?
TT: How totally unanticipated by anybody.
GG: Can you hold on? I'll try to make it quick.
TT: I will be here.
TT: Quietly calculating.
A robot shaped like a bunny has just handed you the reins to a computer shaped like a man. What will you do?
GG: I have kindly asked Mr. Sebastian to hand over the reins to this silly computer shaped like a man.
GG: What now?
TT: Now you have access to a clean computer, for one thing.
TT: Soon we can get started going through the steps necessary to launch the session.
TT: Oh hell.
TT: Another interruption.
TT: I should step away for a moment to take this message.
TT: He's probably right, I'm distracted by too much bullshit at once lately.
GG: Who's right?
TT: Jane, I'm going to leave you with the responder for a little while.
TT: Maybe he can help you get started. Think you can handle that, dude?
TT: I'm all about being able to handle that, you don't even know.
TT: I will perform an acrobatic pirouette on to the handle, wherein the handle literally represents my ability to handle that thing.
TT: Ok, got it. You and the handle are tight.
TT: We don't need a whole thing about this.
TT: Once I stick the landing on the handle like a champ, I am going to get down on one knee, pull out a ring, and propose to it.
TT: The handle I mean.
TT: Implying we will be married.
TT: Ok, long story short, you and the handle fuck gratuitously. Nuff said.
TT: Try not to say I never gave you any responsibilities, or never took you seriously as a viable conscious being with free will.
TT: Also, please try not to make me regret this.
TT: You have nothing to worry about. Go talk to the alien.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
"Jane: Run to study."
TT: Now, Jane. Get to the computer in the study and ditch that tiara.
TT: Go go go.
GG: Say, what's with the red text, Dirk?
GG: Are you typing your most important instructions in red now?
TT: Le sign.
You watch Di-Stri deploy some sort of mammoth instrument on to your balcony. It's just as well he took over for Ro-Lal. She probably would have destroyed half your house with that thing in her condition. But on the bright side, you're sure RL would have enjoyed a good nicker with you over the notion of DS deploying his mammoth instrument. You wonder what she could possibly be up to?
GG: What are you doing?
TT: Makin' room for something big.
GG: The Crockers have something of a legacy when it comes to losing forebears in mysterious explosions.
GG: I would be so sad if I kept the tradition alive like this.
TT: The most you have to worry about is getting grounded back to the stone age.
TT: When you enter the session, he'll probably lock you up in a prison cell on Derse.
TT: Probably stick a huge safe in front of the bars for good measure.
GG: Maybe I should go look?
GG: Though I'm a little afraid to.
TT: I think it'll take a lot more to kill that dude than a little falling debris.
TT: Trust me.
GG: My poor dad.
GG: He surely heard the explosion. I've put him through so much today.
GG: Oh no...
GG: I just had a dreadful thought.
GG: The kitchen is just below my room.
GG: What if he had begun baking his afternoon cake when my computer exploded?
GG: But I cannot lie, sir.
GG: Nothing you have said has made me one iota less excited to begin this adventure!
GG: Those dastardly agents can try to assassinate me all they like. I just want to get started!
TT: That's the most awesome way to be, Jane.
TT: And it is again why you will be our leader.
TT: (Sort of.)
GG: Still fixing to pull the strings for us, per your extensive puppet metaphor?
TT: Pulling them as we speak.
TT: I am having Lil Seb install a real copy of the client on another computer in your house.
TT: A clean computer, not any of this BCCorp garbage you tend to accumulate.
TT: I'll have to insist from this point onward, you employ neutral devices.
TT: That shit fucks with your head.
GG: Alrighty, I think I can make that concession.
TT: Once it's installed, I'll connect with you. I will be your server player.
TT: I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but some improvisation is in order.
TT: While you get the ball rolling, I'll try to talk some sense into that mercurial boozehound.
GG: Sounds like a plan.
GG: I do hope she comes around. It would be a bummer to play without her.
TT: She will.
GG: Say, do I even have any machines that survived the explosion besides this one?
TT: Do you even have any machines that don't inundate you with fucking Hamburger Helper ads and Guy Fieri's heinous propaganda?
GG: I guess not. :p
GG: Still, some nice things were surely destroyed.
GG: I think Detective Pony was caught in the blast.
GG: It's unlikely Acorn survived. :'(
TT: A fitting end to a life of moral compromise.
GG: So, since I'm apparently out of "neutral devices,"
GG: Which computer is Seb installing the file on?
TT: On your dad's computer downstairs.
TT: One in the study.
"Jane: Answer Di-Stri."
TT: I should probably warn you.
GG: About what?
GG: Yet another exploding game trap?
TT: Well shit.
TT: She already sent it?
GG: But to be fair, she warned me not to run it.
TT: That's weird.
GG: She was probably just trying to protect me from the Batterwitch's latest assassination attempt.
GG: Sheesh, I can't believe you all finally got me saying "Batterwitch" too. Who would have thought?
TT: No, it's weird because Lalonde was the one who rigged it to explode.
TT: It's a bogus copy she coded herself. The real game file she downloaded is totally legit.
GG: What? Really?
TT: Got it right here myself. Checked it out.
TT: File's fuckin' clean as a whistle.
TT: A whistle that overcame a major substance abuse problem. Trying to get its life back on track.
TT: The whistle is holding down a steady job now. It's taking things one day at a time.
TT: Eat a fuckin' dinner off that whistle.
TT: Ok I'll shut up.
GG: Why would she do that?
TT: To accomplish exactly what it sounds like got accomplished.
TT: You narrowly averting the "fake" threat to your life, then getting your shit all hot and bothered at the Baroness over it.
TT: Then you abdicate your heiress throne or something, and give up on this game as a big fuck you to the genocidal cake alien.
GG: If she felt so strongly that I shouldn't play, she could have told me.
GG: Or, told me more forcefully, I guess. I would have listened!
TT: She's working through some problems right now.
TT: Really doesn't want us to play that game.
TT: So I guess this was the insane stunt she whipped up to derail the inevitable.
TT: Kinda reckless for my tastes.
TT: One of the above statements is a fucking lie, are you gutsy enough a gumshoe to spot it.
GG: Maybe she was justified in taking such an extreme measure. I sure hadn't been taking her seriously.
GG: She even warned me not to play it until she got back, but I went ahead anyway because I was too impatient!
GG: Now that I think about it, she was probably going to disarm it or such when she got back, seeing as her objective had essentially been accomplished already by an ACTUAL assassination attempt.
GG: After that, I told her I would believe her about everything.
GG: That probably made her feel guilty about setting me up, so she told me not to touch the file until she returned.
TT: Sounds about right.
GG: But then I went ahead and ran it anyway like a doofus.
GG: I think she just wanted to be believed.
GG: Am I an awful friend?
GG: I'm not so sure about that.
TT: Well, before you go taking a massive sad crap all over your friendship credentials, consider this.
TT: Only she could manage to blow up your computer with a nasty deathloop virus and somehow make YOU be the one to feel shitty about it.
GG: You're right.
TT: Or maybe you're the one who uniquely fills the predicate in that construction.
TT: I don't god damn know.
TT: Your friendship with her is a half drunken three-legged relay race, and the baton is a stick of dynamite.
TT: And you two are the only ones on the track. Me and English are watching from under the bleachers, high-fiving constantly.
GG: I guess that's a pretty apt metaphor, even though it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.
GG: I just wanted to start playing the game so badly!
GG: Now more than ever. I have reason to believe the stakes have increased dramatically.
TT: They have.
TT: And they will continue to.
GG: I think our dream counterparts are all marked for death, and if we are to stand a chance, we must move quickly.
TT: I agree.
TT: Just heard about your assassination on Prospit.
GG: Oh, she told you already?
TT: Who, RL? No.
TT: I read it in a newspaper.
GG: Are you being ironic again?
TT: I just picked up one of the sleazy Dersite tabloid rags.
TT: Sometimes they'll feature some pretty entertaining gossip about the royalty or whatever.
TT: But they're primarily dedicated to smearing Prospit. The press had a field day with the deaths of the Page and the Maid.
GG: Dersite? You mean the other planet? The evil one?
TT: Derse, yeah.
TT: Not evil, necessarily. That's a bit simplistic. The kingdom represents the forces of opposition to Prospit and the four heroes. Us.
GG: What did the story say about me?
TT: Was the big ass headline.
TT: Then a photo of your dead body lying there, followed by a lot of bullshit slander.
TT: It was also reported your tower exploded. They couldn't find the body to give it a proper funeral. Probably incinerated.
GG: I didn't realize you had woken up in the game already.
GG: When did that happen?
TT: Dunno. Years ago. Don't really recall.
GG: I guess I shouldn't act surprised you didn't tell me. What with all your highfalutin secrecy.
TT: It's hard to explain.
TT: I was never technically asleep there. I was awake without realizing it.
TT: Then I realized it.
TT: And I sorta learned how to be awake there while awake here too.
TT: I am awake there now, albeit pretending to sleep.
GG: Pretending? Why?
TT: For one thing, it gets a bit distracting managing two alert bodies in different places at the same time.
TT: And for another thing, it's better to maintain appearances.
TT: Everyone on Derse believes their heroes haven't woken yet.
TT: Though they are both rumored to be very active sleep walkers.
TT: Which is half true. She can't ever seem to sleep still. Goes off wandering for days.
TT: Sometimes I've gotta go round her up from some godforsaken cranny of the abyss. Drag her tipsy ass home, tuck her back in.
TT: Maybe I'll chain her leg to the bed if she doesn't wake up soon.
TT: Though in light of the recent assassinations, her slumbering attraction to the void probably works to her advantage. No one ever knows where she is.
GG: I'm still not sure I'm following.
GG: Why are you maintaining the appearance of being asleep? On Prospit, it seemed as if the people there regarded me and Jake very highly. Like celebrated figures.
GG: Is it not the same way on Derse?
TT: No, it's essentially the same situation here.
TT: They glorify us the same way. Almost like we're their purple pajama'd team mascots. Even though they will completely oppose our objective when all is said and done.
TT: Kinda ridiculous, really.
TT: But even so, I think it's better to lay low, not alert anyone to my...
TT: Alertness. [image]
TT: That way I can sneak around and gather information. Do some reconnaissance before shit starts getting real.
GG: In other words, read newspapers, get a feel for "the word on the street," and such?
GG: As might a detective? :B
TT: Yeah, among other things. Like keep an eye on agent activity.
GG: You mean... secret agents??
TT: No, more like high ranking officials.
TT: Judging from your knife wound, I'm betting you were the victim of the Archagent himself.
TT: You should feel honored, I guess.
GG: Who's that?
TT: A guy named Noir.
TT: Real nasty dude. Crazy ambitious. Loves knives.
TT: If we're going to stand any chance of winning this thing,
TT: I've got this nagging suspicion we're gonna have to take him down first.
TT: And a feeling that nags equally,
TT: Is it ain't gonna be easy.
God you wish stuff would stop exploding.
"Jane: Press enter."
"Jane: Install Sburb client."
It doesn't even seem to install anything. It just runs a small application when you execute it.
Looks like you're one keypress away from playing. Do you dare?
That's an odd extension for a file. You don't think you've ever seen it before.
You try to distract yourself with Strider's literature, but it's no use. Your curiosity is overwhelming. Lalonde could be gone for hours, for all you know. Surely there couldn't be any harm in just installing the file, could there?
"Jane: Turn page."
Later, about halfway through the book, rather than see the gag through to the bitter end, Strider began pasting over entire pages of original text with his own completely rewritten version of the story, while keeping all the chapter titles. His revision is a tough, emotionally draining read. But it's cathartic, in all the worst ways possible.
He tends to get carried away with his projects.
"Jane: Flip to page 1."
"Jane: Examine contents."
"Jane: Read Pony Pals."
You've read this a million times already. It's one of your favorite gifts.
Another gander at it sure couldn't hurt.
You wonder what her deal was. It's always something with her.
You again notice her game file, beckoning you to play. But she warned you not to until she gets back. Phooey.
Oh hey, you just noticed your SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED EDITION of Sassacre's over there on the floor. You guess you could have sent the much less valuable copy and saved a lot of arguing. But what's done is done. There's more reading material sprinkled about, too. You've clearly got some time to kill before your bffsy gets back from her emergency. Might as well do some casual reading.
But there's nothing casual about hoisting even an abridged Sassacre's up to your lap, so forget that. There's always GAME GRL. But the articles are all a bit vapid, and in your view, somewhat demeaning to female gamers, and women in general. You and Ro-Lal are convinced the whole thing is just written by the same odious d-bags who write GAME BRO. Which is exactly what makes it GOOD 4 THE ELL YOU ELLZ, her words.
Speaking of bros, and the games they play...
GG: The book is gone!
TG: oh no
TG: aaaawwwww shit
GG: What is it?
TG: shit shit shitsh it
GG: Did you receive the book?
GG: Don't tell me.
GG: The book is damaged somehow, isn't it?
TG: ffuuuuuuuuuuuk :(
GG: Sigh. Is it at least SOMEWHAT intact?
GG: Or was it completely incinerated in transit?
GG: I just KNEW we should have used Wise Guy. I can't believe this.
TG: dont worry
TG: the book itself is topes fine :*
TG: *dsjf :(
GG: Then what's the problem?
TG: im so stupid :(
TG: so stupoid so stupud soos tupob :(((
GG: Will you tell me what happened??
TG: gotta go bbl
TG: well talk abt important stuffs l8r
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: ps jane ty 4 believin me
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: OH SHIT
TG: on last thing jane
TG: DO NOT RUN THEFILE I SENT U BEFORE I GET BACK
TG: i need 2
TG: just dont w/o me ok
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: fuuuuuuuuiiiuickl :'(
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
"Jane: Empty sylladex."
GG: I wonder how it squares with your size restriction?
TG: wut book
GG: My Unabridged Sassacre's!
GG: It's a very rare edition, and a precious family heirloom, so I don't know if it would make an ideal candidate for the journey.
TG: no no r u kidding that shit is perfect
TG: should be just the right size like big but just barkley not too big
GG: But what if it gets damaged!
TG: pshhhhh itll be set fire
GG: Oh! Silly me, what was I even worried about!
TG: ahahaha man
TG: * sent
TG: ** fine
GG: That wasn't even a Freudian slip.
GG: Doctor Freud just tripped over an errant phallus, tumbled down a flight of stairs, and broke his neck.
GG: And then his cigar exploded comically in his face.
TG: jane ur funy
TG: (omg still lolig @ that word boner i made ooomg)
GG: It was spectacular.
TG: but 4 real i wont set ur fuckin joke book on fire jane
TG: it doesnt even do that even if it goes the worst kinds of wrog
GG: Couldn't we send Wise Guy instead?
GG: At least it can be easily replaced.
TG: FUCK wise guy
TG: ist would be SO LAME ass a giguinea pig book
TG: goddam who m i kidding i dont even no how to spell giguinea pig whilst sober
TG: coud be sober as a churchchrist and lookat it..... giunae.... guinea... idk shit looks intrinsnically fucked typographically speakin
TG: sooo FUCK that wrod and FUCK those parcicultar pigs
GG: No, I reject your proposal that we "fuck" Wise Guy, whatever that actually means, or for that matter, the spelling of any adorable rodents named after African nations.
TG: are u being a tightass again
GG: I don't... think so?
TG: we talked about this
GG: About what?
TG: about you benig a tightass
GG: I am not being a tightass!
TG: it seems 2 me
TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass
TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane
GG: Oh god dammit.
GG: Take the book! What do I care!!!
TG: yessss thast the spirpit
TG: now u are believin w petrol
GG: I fail to see what offering up a priceless book for your wildly capricious science experiment has to do with my resolution to be less stingy with my beliefs, but alright.
TG: haha will u relax abt the book
TG: im only just teasing cause theres like practically a 100 percant chance this wont wonk like alwasy
TG: * wort work like always
GG: Yes, let's just get on with it.
"Jane: Look around."
GG: The baking chest, maybe?
TG: too big
TG: i got size restrictions here
TG: bigger stuff takes huge amount sof power to swipe
TG: so this gizmo i have has a built in size cap
TG: like somethin as big as you for insance
TG: i cant take
TG: believe me ive triiiied
GG: That's sweet of you, I guess?
TG: was totes sweet of me to try and steal you for the hangouts but it dint work becuse of BUULBSHIT
TG: but i can take stuff somewhat smaller
GG: What are the restrictions?
TG: just dump your shit on the floor
TG: tell me everything thats there
TG: what do you want me 2 say
TG: for you to autobelieve in
GG: Everything, I guess. I'd like to get completely up to speed, if possible.
TG: im pretty sure i already said everything
TG: want me to just
TG: sayit all again.....
GG: Some reiteration certainly couldn't hurt.
GG: But this time I won't work so hard to sift the fantastical from the plausible.
TG: so like
TG: stuffs i said about my mom or
TG: ok well fors tarters
TG: she really is the notable author u know
GG: Oh, I know that!
GG: That was always something I had no trouble believing, considering the public documentation even reclusive celebrities receive.
GG: And frankly, the family resemblance is obvious.
GG: Anyway, it would be disingenuous if I found your relation far fetched, since we're all apparently related to noteworthy people. It's just one of those funny things.
TG: true dat
TG: what else can i talk about
TG: like her occolt majyyks and stuff
TG: because i dont know a whole lot about the mayjjykks
TG: besides th fact that theyre all real as shit can get
GG: Maybe we should start at the very beginning.
TG: but the begninning was a hecka long time a go
GG: Do you remember around when we first started talking?
GG: And you claimed you were the one making my pumpkins disappear?
TG: y :3
GG: You later proceeded to try to prove to me that what you were saying was true.
GG: But none of your attempts thereafter would ever bear any fruit, pardon the pun.
TG: k but it aint pardoned because a pumpkin aint even a fruit
TG: its a big orange porch thing for holloween numbnuts
GG: Yes, I know what pumpkins are. It was a joke, silly.
GG: What I'm trying to say is, in thinking back to those days, when you couldn't verify your claims, it made me think the whole thing was a big ruse.
GG: And I think this unfortunately began a pattern of mistrust. It was always hard to rule out the possibility that you could be joking about other things as well.
TG: but its not my fault i mean appeafrification tech is notoriously unreliable
TG: i xplained this
TG: i cant just always appearify stuff from you any time i want
TG: i can only take stuff im "allowed" 2 which is pmuch random
TG: like stuff that by takin id be messing up the time line cause that stuff is supposed to be there and serve some funciton it hasnt served yet
TG: so most of the time if i try all i get is slime on my end
TG: but pumpins 4 some reason are a lil easier to take i dunno why
TG: like they are specifically and arbitrorily unhinged from spacetime
TG: is spooooko
GG: I couldn't begin to explain the science behind such a technology either.
GG: But I guess the important thing is, regardless of how or why it works, this is a story you continue to stand by?
GG: That is, you are still taking credit for the mysterious disappearance of all those pumpkins I grew years ago?
TG: f yeah
TG: i so gonked your gaurds jane
GG: Did you gank them when my gourd was down?
TG: * yes
TG: * yes i did exectly that
TG: snatched ur patch sucka!!!!!!
GG: Very well!
GG: Then I believe that is what happened.
GG: That's all I am trying to say here.
TG: u believe that
TG: now what??
GG: Now... nothing, really.
GG: You may continue to tell me anything you would like with the confidence that I won't doubt you.
GG: So by all means, go ahead!
TG: ok gotit
TG: so jane
TG: whas tit feel like 2 get stabbed by a bab guy
GG: Oh, come on!
GG: That is a question!
TG: yeah so
GG: It's not any sort of revelation, or statement for me to take at face value.
GG: Dadburn it. This isn't that difficult!
GG: And for the record, it's not great.
TG: whats not
GG: GETTING STABBED BY A BAD GUY. IT ISN'T ALL THAT PEACHY.
TG: yeah i bet
TG: musta suuuucked
TG: dream sucked idk
GG: So, you're not in the mood to tell me things?
TG: no i am
TG: im psyched about u wanting to believe me and all
TG: but part of me still feels like i should prove it
TG: like i tried to once
TG: it was just frustratin i mean im a sciestist i should be able 2 prove my shit
TG: subject my claims to the fuckin madrigogs
TG: *mad rigors
TG: u know what i mean???
GG: Yeah, I understand.
TG: i mean trust between friends is sweet and everything but i dont know if i wanta be the repipient of like a butt load of pity believins
GG: It's not about pity!
GG: It's more like a gesture I'm trying to make.
GG: Or maybe that's not quite right.
GG: It has more to do with setting things right for myself than making it up to you.
GG: Does that make sense?
GG: Shoot, I'm doing such a terrible job explaining this! :(
TG: (patiently sips bev rage)
GG: The bottom line is, I WANT to believe the things you say now.
GG: That's all you need to know!
TG: ok thats good
TG: i want that 2 buuuuuuut
TG: i still wanna prove it irregardlessly!!!!!!!`
GG: *Shudders uncontrollably at "word" usage.*
TG: whoops sry
TG: * still WANT TO prove it irregaurdlesally
TG: ^ all fixed tght as fuck
TG: so u down for one last try
TG: k lets get busay
TG: what you want 2c me disappearify
TG: oopos sry
TG: was havin important chats
GG: With whom?
TG: w yet anather ineligible fuckin bachelor who elfe i have to talk 2
GG: Um... which one, precisely?
TG: di stri
TG: insmufferable prick mf'r extroariadinnere
TG: *lol wow
TG: *heheh yum
GG: If the chats and surplus dinners were truly important, I wouldn't want to interrupt.
TG: of course not jus the usual bs
TG: chats with u always get precedance anyways
TG: unless this is more of u givin me shit about not believing me on all my sick tru facts
GG: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
TG: i c
TG: go on..........
GG: You see, I was just the target of another assassination attempt.
GG: Two, in fact! One here in the real world, as I attempted to retrieve the mail.
GG: Luckily it was thwarted by a certain cat who shall remain nameless.
TG: hehehe oh man
TG: god cat
TG: *no wait
TG: *god wuz right
TG: *both spellins r true
GG: But in the process of being rescued from the explosion, I was knocked unconscious.
GG: And in my dream, there was another assassination attempt.
GG: This one I believe was successful!
GG: I'm becoming convinced that our "dream selves" are being picked off by violent hooligans.
TG: * ...
TG: * yes
TG: but i think u mean
TG: batterwitch thugs
GG: The one who accosted me was a knife-wielding lunatic.
GG: And it's reasonable to deduce the same forces were responsible for Jake's death on Prospit as well.
GG: It looks like we are in the clutches of an actual caper. A real life mystery!
GG: Which under different circumstances would be quite exciting.
GG: But the truth is, I think we are all in great danger!
TG: well fuck
TG: i guess its time to take this shit up to RED ALART
TG: to where its been for like fuckin ever jane
GG: Yeah, yeah. :p
GG: But that wasn't all there was to the dream.
GG: Shortly before I was stabbed, I had a rather long gander at Skaia.
TG: a gander u say
TG: how good a gander
GG: I would say a pretty substantial gander.
TG: and during this totaly massive gander u snagged
TG: what did you see
GG: I saw things in the clouds.
TG: wut things
GG: Things happening in the future, I think.
GG: Many events pertaining to us. All of us, and other people I didn't recognize.
GG: It was a bit overwhelming.
GG: It made me feel small. Insignificant, relative to whatever it is we're about to involve ourselves with.
GG: And honestly...
GG: It made me feel pretty foolish too.
TG: why foofish
GG: I began to wonder why I ever had the audacity to think I know much of anything about the world we live in or the journey we're about to take.
GG: Or to think I could ever rule anything out.
GG: I have a feeling that whatever I saw, it means you've been telling the truth all along.
GG: About everything.
GG: And I'm starting to feel like a complete idiot for doubting you.
TG: aw man :(
GG: I've been one great big horse's caboose, and I think you're owed an apology.
GG: Do you think you can forgive me?
TG: ur makin me feel like shit here
TG: eh no reason
TG: just uh
TG: hey did u dl the game file i sent yet
GG: I did.
GG: And at this point, I guess I have no choice but to use it. I guess you were a step ahead of me yet again.
GG: Because the one in the mail detonated in my most recent assassination attempt.
TG: of fuck those HACKS
TG: the old explobing game trick woh would stoup to such lowbrow shegnannagings like that
TG: *somany sweet typos
TG: that witch just mafes me FUCKINK FRUIOUS sometites
GG: Hoo hoo! The tactic was quite underhanded, yes.
TG: uh so
TG: what were we talking about again
TG: soory im just worked up ovr it
GG: I don't blame you.
GG: Where we were, by my estimation, was a place wherein I was about to awkwardly attempt to swallow a helping of humble pie.
GG: To somehow make it up to you for my years of stubborn mistrust.
TG: hey jane
TG: wasnt that a bunch a splip infinitives...
TG: to awkwardly attemt
TG: to somehow make it up !
TG: lul so busted
GG: Oh gosh, what a doofus.
GG: You see?? I clearly don't have all the answers!
GG: I really had some nerve challenging anyone, on practically any subject.
TG: dont beat urself up too bad we both know that rule is bullshit anyway
TG: you hold yourself to too high a standard and those standards kinda leak out and start gettin applied to other people i guess sometimes
TG: you really dont have to apologize janey or eat humble pip or anything all youve got to do is maybe not be such a huge tightass all the time
GG: That's fair. But I would still like to make a gesture.
GG: Even if it's one partially motivated by self interest, seeing as I clearly have much to learn.
GG: I would like to give you a free pass for a day.
GG: It is good for twenty-four solid hours of absolute credulity from your best friend.
TG: ok waitin 4 u to say wtf youre exacly talkin about
GG: It means that starting now, whatever you tell me, I will have to believe you.
GG: I promise!
TG: o rly
GG: Are you there?
TG: (thisis a dramantic pause calm ur tits)
GG: Exactly how dramatic are we talking, here?
GG: Shall I go retrieve a magazine?
"Jane: Contact bffsy."
As long as you just got done paying the piper, you might as well get busy eating all this goddamn crow. Oh so much of the stuff has gathered on your plate.
She appears to be online now. It looks like she sent you the "hacked" file while you were away.
"Jane: Return to room."
You get inside this instant, and march back up to your bedroom. Dad didn't say as much, but it's a safe bet you are now permagrounded for life.
You hear a loud thump just outside your door.
He tells you to get inside this instant.
Uh oh. Looks like the jig is up, yet again. Is the jig ever ANYWHERE but up?? That's what you want to know.
You feel bad about leaving him in suspense for even a moment. Your gambit gets totally rocked by a guilty conscience.
Even if you were inclined to do that, he wouldn't respond to that name. You're pretty sure he doesn't have a name. You and your friends just call him the GCat for lack of anything else to call him. Everybody has opinions, but nobody can agree on a good name. You think he probably doesn't want a name. He's just a feisty stray who likes to meddle with your life, then vanish for weeks at a time.
Just look at that aloof little bastard. He doesn't give a shit about anything, does he?
You guess you should feel grateful toward him for saving your life, but you know he's just as likely to rescue you from an explosion as he is to randomly teleport you across town, forcing you to call your dad and ask for a ride home, while you spend all day standing in some random field in the pouring rain while you wait hours for your dad to come and pick you up after he gets lost because he plugged the wrong place into google maps.
"Jane: Turn around."
Oh. It's the GOD CAT again. You guess that explains it.
You suppose you should let dad know you're ok. But it's been so long since you've enjoyed such a massive PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT in an exchange with the old man. It's hard not to bask in it, if only for a few seconds.
Dad seems just as dumbfounded as you are, and more than a little distraught.
Did Lil' Seb whisk you away in the nick of time? Can that little bunny really move that fast? Where is he??
"Jane: Wake up."
What the heck just happened?
Now you remember. The mailbox was boobytrapped. But you survived somehow, and got knocked out.
How did you get all the way over here?
The miracle of a new beginning.
The moon is presently eclipsing Skaia. From your fanciful dream room atop your golden tower, you have seen many remarkable things in the clouds. Things which you cannot explain.
But against all better judgment, you have a feeling that what you are fondly regarding could very well be some sort of miracle.
And once again, you have woken up on the moon of Prospit, without any recollection of how you fell asleep. You think you were going outside to get the mail? You can't remember.
<iframe width="800" height="800" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/bSil840Eg4k" allowfullscreen></iframe>
"[S] Jane: Get mail."
<iframe width="800" height="800" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/RhHgCiM8DI4" allowfullscreen></iframe>
The jig is so totally up.
Nothing left to do but scurry your little legs to that box, snatch the mail and scram!
"Jane: Level up."
You've been climbing your echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since you were 13. That was such a sweet textbook HAT POF, it earned you just enough to clear the next rung, FEDORAFLEDGLING. Nice going!
"Jane: Tell Seb to put fridge down."
Uh oh, Lil Seb's acting out again. His legs are getting fidgety and bothersome. Better tell him to put the fridge down gently before he causes more damage.
"Jane: Read note."
Fat chance, dad.
This bird's gotta fly!!!
He finds a note taped underneath the fridge. It seems to be addressed to you.
You order dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use. He is eager to assist, and lifts the appliance with ease.
GG: Lil' Seb is beginning to act out, and I must put his fidgetiness to constructive use!
TT: Jane, one more thing.
TT: I'm sure you must be aware by now that you'll be the leader of our group, as you will be the first to enter the session.
GG: Um, no?
GG: This is news to me. I never gathered that "team leader" was a thing for this game.
TT: Trust me. It's a thing.
GG: Are you sure? I have my doubts.
GG: I believe as a group we will have the temerity to succeed, without my having to order people around like an insufferable bossypants.
TT: That's why you're our leader, Jane.
TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is an affect not everyone is plucky enough to be graced with.
GG: That's stupid!
TT: Yeah yeah. I know.
TT: You're not our leader, you're our FRIEND, right?
GG: There is a BIG difference!
TT: And statements like that are also why you're our leader.
TT: But only in name and in spirit. Less so, functionally.
TT: If it puts your mind at ease, I'll be the one pulling the strings here.
GG: Oh yes?
GG: Then this whole affair will be one of D. Strider's grand productions in puppetry?
TT: I will be the unseen hand whose nimble digits are behind every subtle twitch in our session's bulbous foam ass.
TT: At least those gyrations not happening by the volition of its own quivering absorbant proboscis.
TT: If you ever need help, Jane. If you're ever in any trouble at all, let me know. Just say the word.
TT: I'll whip the toggle stick of this ludicrous marionette, cavorting its humongous bottom to intercept your freefall through the abyss.
TT: Snowcone you up in the fluffy crook of its cleft. Don't be alarmed if you're in no hurry to unpry yourself.
TT: For the great jut of this impudent rump has more yield to your touch than you ever dreamt. Remember to catch your breath as it cherishes the imprint of your hand like a memento from a lover gone to war.
TT: There's a lot of give to that ass, you may say.
TT: Might like to settle in. Make myself comfortable. Start a family.
TT: Bounce a coin off that ass, you'll demand of visitors. It's not going anywhere.
TT: Bet that coin'll take a good nap there.
TT: It's a gamble you win every goddamn time.
GG: These lessons we talked about...
GG: They've already begun, haven't they? :o
TT: Jane, soon you'll believe what I've told you.
TT: You'll believe it all.
TT: It's just a shame that believing will take something so coarse as seeing, for a girl as sharp as you.
TT: Critical thought can lead one to accept the unlikely, just as much as dismiss the impossible.
TT: I can help with this too. Would you like me to program a Jane Crocker responder for you?
TT: I only require a simple captcha of your brain.
GG: Holy moly!
GG: Um, thank you, but no.
GG: I'm not ready to get dialogic with my cyberself just yet. My friends keep me busy enough as it is.
GG: Speaking of which, I really need to go. I know you love to talk my ear off, and it's always a treat, but let's catch up later after the game starts, ok?
GG: And if I do need your help, I promise I'll take you up on your offer!
TT: I made several. Which one?
GG: The one where you, hopefully not literally, offered to catch me in the crevice of a great big squishy butt! Hoo hoo hoo!
GG: Gtg!!! <3
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering timaeusTestified [TT]
TT: Has he been sleeping in the old man hollow again? Shit, that's adorable.
GG: I can think of cuter places for him to sleep, frankly!
TT: Yeah, bullshit.
TT: He's just being instinctive. In the wild, he would gut a carcass and sleep inside for warmth, as well as to secure tactical advantage for ambushing would-be scavengers.
GG: Oh, please.
GG: Anyway, property damage and desecration to cherished elders aside, Mr. Bear has been a lovely addition to the family.
TT: You haven't renamed him yet?
GG: Oh... no.
GG: I keep forgetting I'm supposed to!
TT: You've got to fucking rename him. Or change him to a girl if you want. That was important.
TT: When pets change owners they get new names. Fact.
GG: I will name him right now!
GG: How about Lil' Sebastian?
TT: Fuck if that isn't the best name a thing could get.
GG: So then, are you saying Mr. Sebastian here was an ironic present?
GG: Relayed strictly for guffaws?? >:B
TT: Yes, but it's not that simple. There were many layers involved.
TT: Some of them are literal layers, of metal and plush.
TT: There's a real stuffed rabbit beneath its exoskeleton.
GG: What! Really? :O
TT: It belonged to my bro.
GG: I thought you said you didn't have such an heirloom to complete the plushie trifecta?
TT: I didn't. He didn't give it to me, and never intended to bequeath it.
TT: I stole it.
GG: Ooh. Risky!
TT: Nah. I got a little help from RL and ganked it out of his museum.
TT: It's this whole "priceless" collection of stupid shit from movies, defended like Fort Knox. Ironically of course.
GG: So it's from a movie?
TT: Ever hear of Con Air?
GG: Wasn't that some bit of action schlock from the 90's?
GG: Some of the silly nonsense referenced in his work was well before my time. I don't have the wherewithal to investigate all this minutia.
TT: Yeah, it doesn't matter really. But it was from that. Dude weirdly obsessed over that shit movie for years, among others.
TT: Know those signature shades you see him wearing on magazine covers and stuff? Another prop. A gift from Stiller himself, I believe.
GG: That does sound a tad obsessive. Wasn't he furious about your burglary?
TT: Pretty sure he didn't even notice. In years since, I never saw a news story about a "daring heist" or anything. I feel like he would have made some hay outta that.
TT: And if he did know, he'd probably just want to give me a stoic fist bump or something.
GG: Why didn't you mention this when you gave the gift? More irony?
TT: Essentially. It's not that easy to explain.
TT: Broadcasting the gesture would have made it seem tawdry, and would somewhat defray its humor value.
GG: I see. So it was like a private joke, and if anyone besides you was in on it, the joke would be ruined!
TT: Like I said, there are layers.
TT: On one level, I gave you a filthy tattered piece of shit, albeit of tremendous cultural significance, manhandled by some old B movie actors, now candy coated to function as a highly practical defender droid for your personal protection.
TT: On another level, I needed to incorporate something passable as a real heirloom.
TT: For sentimental reasons.
GG: Wait, real sentiment, or ironic sentiment?
GG: Or is there no difference?? Am I missing the point here?
TT: No, it was genuine.
TT: The upper echelons of irony should always include measures of sincerity. And if the satirical practice is executed faithfully it will achieve something bona fide in its own right regardless.
TT: Through an intense commitment bordering on religious devotion to the absolutely inane, absurd, or plain fucking stupid, a very different kind of sincerity begins to materialize. One of reverence to the ridiculous. You begin to "mean it," but what exactly it is you mean is never quite what appears on the surface, and is utterly inaccessible to obtuse and literal minds. That you "mean it" then becomes inseparable from the joke, and additional rich strata of humor may be stripped aggressively from this irreconcilable truth.
GG: This is fascinating, if a wee bit more dissertation than I bargained for this morning.
GG: I have so much to learn. And I am not even saying that "ironically!"
GG: Will you teach me your ways one day, sir? Perhaps an apprenticeship will open?
TT: Oh god, I'd love that.
TT: Consider the position yours for the taking any time. Feel free to approach and kneel before Cal. With my sword and his floppy mitten, you will receive my flashstep anointment shoulder to shoulder, and to shoulder again.
GG: Maybe I'm just stuck in the dark ages of pranksterism with my funny mustaches corny old joke book.
TT: Yes, you are. But that's fine.
TT: We come from different traditions. Someone needs to keep that racist southern asshole's legacy alive.
TT: There's dignity in taking up the work of our familial predecessors, even if what they did was insanely fucking stupid.
GG: Is that a note of bitterness directed at your superstar brother I am detecting?
TT: No way. He's awesome.
TT: I've told you, I don't begrudge any of his success.
TT: I've also told you he isn't my real bro even though I call him that. We're related through an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation.
GG: Oh lordy. Yes, yes, I know. I don't need another ironic lesson in science fiction!
TT: Alright. My lessons are rad as fuck, but suit yourself.
TT: The point is, obviously his satirical methods have flaws, and whatever tempered brand of hero worship I might be practicing isn't keeping me from seeing that.
GG: Flaws?? Talk about understatement. Those movies are unwatchable.
GG: Unless your name is Jake English.
TT: Yes, spectacularly so. But they will have profound historical significance. Mark my words.
TT: And flaws aside, it's a legacy I'm proud to inherit. My duty isn't to appropriate his methods with absolute loyalty, but to apply reason and improve upon them. To leave my own mark.
TT: To perfect the art of irony.
TT: It's just like what you're doing with the work of your ancestor. You are striving to perfect his hokey vaudeville bullshit, or something.
TT: You seek the Zen of a pie to the face. The Tao of falling the fuck down.
GG: If you say so!
GG: I dunno. Call me a simpleton, but I just like funny jokes.
TT: Can't fool me. You take your shit as serious as I do.
TT: And if I wasn't serious about it, I wouldn't have made you that rabbit. Then where the hell would you be?
"Jane: Answer Strider."
TT: Why have you activated dear, sweet Huggy Bear.
TT: Are you in danger?
GG: Oh, no.
GG: I'm just trying to leave my house!
GG: Is this the real you, btw?
TT: Yeah, it's me.
TT: I disabled the AR for now.
GG: Ok. Just making sure!
GG: Jake was having some issues with it earlier, and I don't think he received its obfuscating tendencies in the humorous spirit intended.
TT: Yes, I'm catching up with the situation now.
GG: Oh, so you're talking to Jake then?
TT: Nah. Just reading their chat logs.
TT: Man, what the fuck?
TT: I can't leave these two alone for a minute. Can a guy get his ablutions on in fucking peace?
GG: Was it that bad?
TT: Not really.
TT: The responder doesn't much distort my position on things usually.
TT: Its demeanor leaves something desired though. I'd prefer it didn't make such aggressive and repeated claims of fidelity to my persona.
TT: Be misrepresentin' hells of key subtleties, yo.
GG: Why not just turn it off then?
TT: Keeps them both on their toes.
TT: Jake and the responder.
TT: Jake needs to be more skeptical. Rather than take a Pollyanna jackknife ass-first off whatever turnip truck is blowing through town that day, he's got to apply more critical reasoning to shit.
TT: I keep telling him.
TT: I keep telling him, dude, you got to be more like Jane.
GG: These lectures I presume are roughly similar in complexion to those I'm familiar with?
GG: Those wherein I have, and I quote, "got to be more like Jake?"
TT: Yes, exactly.
TT: You're finally fucking getting it.
GG: I sincerely doubt that I am!
TT: Said the stubborn skeptic, skeptically.
GG: Let's not talk about my "issues" again, shalln't we?
TT: That ain't a thing to say, even for you.
GG: The word shalln't escape my vocabulary any longer, just as you SHALLN'T nitpick my language! That's my turf you're on, buster.
TT: Alright. Kinda don't care.
GG: What were you saying?
TT: About what? Jake?
GG: About leaving the responder on!
TT: Anyway, I kind of owe it to him to let the program run as often as possible.
TT: The responder.
TT: It is a fully cognitive, self-aware entity I am responsible for, not even to mention an approximate cerebral duplicate of myself.
TT: You don't just make a clone of yourself to live in a dead end existence where it has no chance to thrive as an individual or surpass its limitations.
TT: That'd be sick.
TT: The more the software runs, the broader and more detailed its experiential canopy becomes. Makes for a better dialogic partner.
GG: Are you saying you have conversations with your own auto-responder?
TT: Of course.
TT: Why do you think I made the thing?
GG: Hrm, that's interesting.
GG: I guess I always thought it was just a really elaborate gag!
TT: It's that too.
"Jane: Put head back."
You stick the poker down his neck hole and jam the head back on the spike as a temporary measure. That looks somewhat more respectable you guess.
Looks like the troublemaker's father is calling.
"Jane: Assess damage."
Poor poppop's severed head got nicked by the FIREPLACE POKER. He's going to need a lot of work this time. Over the years, your dad has spent thousands of dollars on repairs. Oh well, how much more grounded can you get than you already are?
God he is such a little troublemaker.
Hopefully he will mind his manners today.
Here goes nothing.
You have waited around long enough. Dad's legendary car wash won't last forever, and the day isn't getting any younger.
You pack up poppop's book and bust out your trusty HOMING DEVICE.
GG: I of course immediately wanted to tell you all about, but it was still well before sunrise for you, and you were surely still asleep.
GG: Then as the day went on I guess I became distracted by other things. You know how it is.
GG: I hope I'm not too late to "warn" you, though to be frank I don't have the foggiest clue what it is I'm warning you about.
GG: "Dear Jake, oh please do try not to... have already... died in my dream? Likely while you were sleeping, perhaps peacefully?"
GT: Haha yeah. I see your point.
GG: Still, I think you'll agree that it's to be viewed as a troubling omen.
GG: I care very much for you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you both in my dreams, and here in this world.
GG: So for whatever good it does, just please be extra careful out there today!
GT: Roger that janey!
GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot...
GT: Because well i sure do care a lot about you too you know that.
GG: Hooray! Will do. ;B
GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker.
GT: Ok good luck jane and keep me posted! C ya.
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
GT: Are you sure?
GG: Yes, I saw your body lying in a sort of coffin, on a bed of flowers. You were dead as a doornail.
GG: Everyone was so distraught!
GG: Including me. :(
GG: The Page was you.
GT: Whos that?
GG: "Our hope is lost."
GG: They were all saying the same thing, over and over.
GG: They all began to form a single, major procession.
GG: When I got closer, I could see that some were in tears.
GG: I realized this was a funeral.
GG: But they weren't human. They were funny looking, perfectly white creatures.
GT: Yeah those are prospitians.
GT: They have these hard carapace shells and also have something to do with chess i think?
GG: Well, I don't know if they had much to do with chess here.
GG: The more closely I observed, the more they appeared somewhat despondent.
GG: I determined they were in mourning, actually.
GT: Jane you said i was in this dream. Where do i come in?
GG: Shoosh! I'm getting there.
GG: The one covered in golden cities. Prospit, remember?
GT: Oh. Wouldnt it be prospits moon?
GG: Yes, you're right. It was the moon, actually. I could see the planet on the dark horizon.
GG: I was dressed in a golden dress, like a sort of nightgown, and I could fly. I left my bedroom, which was at the top of a tall tower. Surrounding me were the gold cities, just as described.
GG: Behind the skyline was darkness. But just above was a bright blue sky and puffy white clouds.
GT: That was skaia!
GG: Yes, probably.
GG: Are you sure you haven't woken up there before?
GT: Haha i WISH.
GT: I have received reports from jade about this as well. She liked to talk about her dreams on prospits moon a lot.
GG: I see. The impression I have developed is that this is supposed to be a real place, and all who dream there have shared experiences.
GG: Did Jade ever mention seeing us there?
GT: No but why would she? This was long before we were born! She was dreaming there like a hundred years ago or something.
GG: Hrmm. Anyway...
"Jane: Bother Jake."
GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?
GT: Ive barely even begun!
GG: Tell me about it.
GT: Youre off to a sluggish start then too i gather?
GG: Dad has the whole house in full fatherly lockdown mode. Talk about blowing a few measly "assassination attempts" way out of proportion!
GG: So I'm currently mulling over my next move.
GG: What is it that has you hamstrung? Did you ever track down the slippery Mr. Strider?
GT: Not exactly.
GT: His stupid doppelglasses have set me on a wild goose chase to go pry his dumb robots chest open and swipe its uranium.
GG: Sounds dangerous!
GT: No shit.
GT: I think id rather deal with the monsters.
GG: Why is it that our two best friends in the world always seem to place themselves at the source of all our problems, while simultaneously presenting their only solutions?
GT: I know right???
GG: I'm debating whether or not to enlist his help in the matter of my current imprisonment. But I'd rather keep it as a plan of last resort.
GT: Dont do it jane its a trap!!!
GG: We'll see.
GG: So I take it you're out and about now?
GT: Hell no. I spent so much time haggling with those confounded shades im only leaving my room just now.
GG: Right. Well, not to keep you too long, since we both still have our missions ahead of us, but I wanted to tell you about that dream I had.
GT: Oh yeah!
GT: I was curious about that. Tell me everything and make it snappy!
GT: *Whips up bucket of freshly popped corn.*
GG: Hoo. :B
GG: Ok, but, I should say that the nature of the dream was a bit worrisome.
GG: And I'm concerned it may have implications for the game we're about to play.
GG: So it's probably best that I tell you about it before you leave.
GT: Well shoot.
GT: Ok then lay it on me jane.
"Jane: Read inscription again."
You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson!
How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready.
But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, the Knight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend.
John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again!
Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed!"
Is your friend suggesting that you were the one who wrote this inscription? You find that idea a bit hard to swallow. Still, your friends are always babbling about time travel...
You always thought this inscription was written to your poppop by his nanna, who was your great great grandmother, founder of the corporation you'll inherit in a few years. The message has always been a fascinating mystery to you, and probably was to him as well. From the way it's written, it seems it was intended for him to receive after her death. She talks about a journey he is supposedly meant to go on. You wonder if that adventure ever took place, or if the note was just one last jape by an old woman from a proud family of pranksters? She goes on about many fantastical sounding things he supposedly would have found on this journey, like agents, exiles, underlings, denizens, and heirs of breath and seers of light and stuff like that. Wait... didn't your friend mention those too?
In any case, this message to poppop from his sweet old nanna is the best evidence you have to dispute all this evil batterwitch nonsense. She clearly cared for her grandson very much, and would never start a company responsible for the things it's accused of, let alone be alive today to perpetrate them. But then, what if she wasn't the one who wrote it? This thought makes you very nervous.
You suddenly remember your dream. What did it mean? You should talk to Jake about all this.
"Jane: Retrieve arm."
Better pick that up. You'll try to repair it later before dad sees it and blows a gasket.
You just remembered something your alien friend said about the big old book downstairs, and trusting words written by your own hand. What the heck did she mean by that?
Uh, whoops. Sorry, poppop.
YES, I am going out with this book! No, I will not go get an unabridged copy! No, I will not take yours! I can hardly even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly funny book and it contains many incredibly funny jokes! Oh, will you just stop it. I am going now. Good day!!!
What's that, poppop? It seems he's concerned that you may not be properly equipped.
You prove to him that you indeed had no intention of leaving the house without your trusty joke book.
You always did find it a little macabre though, trying to watch tv and eat dinner on the couch with a dead old man standing about five feet away. You'd honestly prefer he not be kept here in the living room. Sometimes you tell dad you really want poppop in the attic. He says the mere fact you call it that tells him you're not ready.
"Jane: Consult with poppop."
You figure a little wisdom from your elder couldn't hurt.
It practically went without saying your dad keeps poppop stuffed and mounted in front of the fireplace, as is the family tradition. Poppop grew up with his legendary humorist grandfather stuffed in front of the fireplace, and so did his grandfather. This was stipulated firmly in the will, at the end of a long list of joke stipulations. (Dad knew this was a real stipulation though.)
"Jane: Check window."
He padlocked the windows too. You'd bet boonbucks to donuts the back door is blocked too, probably with the safe from the study or something. The man means business this time.
You aren't about to go smashing glass and making a ruckus though. You'll need a solution involving more stealth. You guess you have a plan in mind as a last resort, but you'd rather it not come to that.
"Jane: Go to front door."
You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.
"Jane: Proceed downstairs."
Another hard boiled Anderson. Even though your dad isn't overbearing with all the detective nonsense anymore, he decided to leave this one here for old time's sake. It brings back memories of his very short-lived stint as a private eye. It turns out the police aren't as grateful as you'd think when ordinary citizens go around roughing up a lot of crooks.
There's a familiar face. A friendly face. Old poppop Crocker, smiling from beyond. Your dad sure misses him. He doesn't like to talk about the day he died. Some incident involving a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a mysterious young woman in a suspicious looking hat. You have often fantasized about putting on your dirty old fedora and your Frenchest looking mustache to go tracking down this felonious broad and bring her to justice. But your dad always says best to let sleeping dogs lie.
There's some other plucky looking tool there next to him. Dunno who that guy is.
"Jane: Examine portrait."
Just one of your dad's bland HALLWAY DOUCHEBAGS. Another example of his cornball dad tastes, which make you roll your eyes and shrug. Still, it's preferable to how it used to be.
Years ago he would work really hard to mimic your interests throughout the household. Gaudy paintings of sitcom legends covering the walls, hideous detective figurines littered everywhere. You think it's better that he embrace his own interests rather than try to pander to yours. It felt a bit forced, and your early teen years were filled with daily rounds of familial STRIFE. Not so much anymore. Now whenever there is a father-daughter disagreement, you settle things in an adult fashion by being honest about your feelings and talking it through, and also by sneaking around the house in silly disguises.
Hopefully your dad is still out back washing the car. Ideally this is one of his legendary infinite car washes. What can you say? Dad fancies his automotive ablutions.
While he is preoccupied, you should be able to sneak downstairs and grab the mail undetected. The perfect crime? You bet.
You slip the HALLWAY CERA a furtive wink for good luck.
<iframe width="800" height="800" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/YMvqzg3l0oQ" allowfullscreen></iframe>
You make a cautious motion toward a beckoning EXIT KNOB.
Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.
THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.
The great Poirot, in THIS house?? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day? Oh my, the good Poirot appears to be clucking little pleasantries in his adorable French accent through the high pitched voice of an enthusiastic teen girl. I SURELY don't have the heart to ground this upstanding, dapper gentleman, no matter HOW many dastardly attempts are made on her life.
"Jane: Don clever disguise."
Why, is that his loving daughter, or could it be none other than INSPECTOR JACQUES CLOUSEAU??? Mr. Clouseau, what are you doing in this household? Can I bake you a cake? Please make yourself comfortable while I go about my business not being suspicious.
But wait, perhaps that is not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it is...
"Jane: Prepare to retrieve mail."
You scamper over to the door, but pause a second to think. Is your dad still washing the car? Hopefully he's still preoccupied so you can sneak out.
But it doesn't hurt to be prepared for an encounter. Luckily, that is exactly what you are.
GG: THE ARM DEALIE.
GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!!!
GG: THE GODDARNED RED SWINGY FLAPPY LEVER ARM THINGAMABOB, WHATEVER IT'S CALLED.
GG: ON THE MAILBOX.
TG: breathe crocker
TG: slow breaths like this
TG: (im breathin regular fyi)
GG: IT'S UP.
GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP.
TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret
TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing
TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes
TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass
GG: NO, WHO CARES ABOUT THAT! THE DEALIE, THE DEEEEEAAAALIEEEEEEE!!!
GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE!
TG: lma so fucking o @ this
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
"Jane: Answer Lalonde."
TG: ansrew plz
GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds!
GG: Where have you been today?
TG: nowhere just chilling here
TG: when all of the sudden
GG: "All of a sudden."
TG: when all of the sudden
TG: it hits me
TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about
GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day.
TG: it hits me that
TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon
TG: just a few days before mine remembr
TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen
GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.
TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him
TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk
TG: but not like anything coming on too strong
TG: something that says
TG: this is totes platonic and everything
TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here
TG: but still says you know
TG: call me
TG: if you wanna
GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.
TG: the goat getting thing i mean
TG: but joking oh no i think not
TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend
TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that????
TG: that rugged senseof adventure
TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like
TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware
TG: those adorbable teeth
TG: swoooooooooon <3
GG: Nooooo, stop. :(
TG: well shit jane
TG: what am i even supposed to do
TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!!
TG: *buncha goddamn typos
TG: shit suuucks
TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one
GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!
GG: And you're drunk. :P
TG: prensent tense
TG: grammar jane
GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.
TG: oh jane
TG: so naive
TG: soooo niaev
GG: How can you be this fargone so early?
GG: It isn't even noon yet.
TG: you forget we live in very different time zones
TG: its a lot later here
GG: You're three hours ahead of me!
TG: youd would be amazed
TG: how much can happen
TG: in 3 hours
GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you?
TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit
TG: i mean
TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place
TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably
TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like
TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me
TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play
GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze."
TG: pppp mcuh
GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this.
GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better!
GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.
TG: watcha waiting for
TG: in the mail
TG: is something happening today or something
GG: The alpha!
GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless.
TG: oh yeah
TG: that thing
GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes?
TG: i guess
TG: you sure you even want to play this thing
TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do
GG: Not this again.
TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying
TG: i know what a chump looks like
TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw
TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll
TG: which is like this real actual thing i maintain
TG: intsead of being a joke
TG: is that waht you want
GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST!
GG: It is an idiotic urban legend.
GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.
GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.
TG: you know
TG: an alter ego
TG: for somethig more sinister
GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.
GG: In any case, I don't understand the nature of this second guessing, besides chalking it up to your unwelcome inebriation.
GG: We had agreed you would play with me. You sounded excited about it!
GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet??
TG: yes "obtianed"
TG: suuure did
GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume?
TG: oh you bet
TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all
TG: said jackpot like
TG: a BUNCH of times
TG: all those
TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps
TG: backdoor trojans and what not
TG: were no match
TG: 4 mai codez
GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one.
TG: ok jane what im saying is that
TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off
TG: is that
TG: it was a fuckin cakewake
TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew
TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful
TG: which i AM but
TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded
TG: it was just
TG: some files
TG: that were there
TG: and i took them
TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice
TG: then applied lipstick
TG: femme fatale style
TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files
TG: so now
TG: i got it
TG: if u really wanna play
TG: which you shouldnt
GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary.
TG: i told you
TG: she wants you to play
TG: wants us all to
TG: part of her BIG PLANS
TG: and ur playing right into em
GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.
GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is,
GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play.
GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?
TG: someone out their wants the stock price to take a hit?
TG: its just more connivings of the witch
GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die?
GG: Makes a lot of sense!
TG: wouldnt put it past her
TG: makes you feel perpsecuted
TG: redoubles your determination to play
TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way
TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to
TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo
TG: and then
TG: she expends you
TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch
GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute!
TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max
TG: ill send this file to you tho and what you do wiht its up to you
TG: so you want it now or what
GG: Hm. It's tempting, and I'm curious as heck to play it.
GG: But the mail should be coming any minute! I've waited this long for it, so I might as well use the official discs addressed to me.
GG: When it comes, I do hope you'll change your tune.
GG: Not to mention brew yourself a pot of coffee and sober your drunk butt up.
TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk
TG: makr my barley corerent words
GG: Hoo hoo! Ok, fair enough.
GG: But I believe that when we start playing together, you'll come around.
GG: Personally, I can hardly contain my excitement over it.
GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"
TG: did u know
TG: that i am uttrely
TG: IN LOVE
TG: with the fact that
TG: i have a best friend
TG: who says things
TG: shucks buster
GG: Shoosh you, drunky! :B
GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
GG: The thing.
GG: The flappy thing!
Speak of the devilfucking dickens.
Still no sign of the mail. Might as well keep the tiaratop on while you look, even if it means suffering through all these bullshit popup ads. That way you can keep an eye out for Lalonde while you're at it.
"Jane: Wear tiaratop."
You put on your highly fashionable UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP and flip it on. It immediately hums to life as its blazing fast processes mingle with your thoughts. It is the most efficient computing technology in the world by far, as long as you don't wear it for too long. But aside from a few migraines, you can't possibly imagine any OBEY drawbacks that CEASE REPRODUCTION could come with SUBMIT merging CONSUME your thoughts with EMBRACE YOUR CULLING experimental technology CONFORM TO SOCIAL ORDER from an STAY ASLEEP extremely powerful DIE corporation, wait what?
See??? Utterly pointless. You hope Crockercorp was going somewhere with this technology, cause if not, this product is first in line for getting the axe when you're in charge.
"Jane: Insert hat card."
Ok, you'll try it out with one of your less prized possessions just to prove how dumb it is. You never liked this hat much. It makes you look like a gnome and basically isn't funny at all.
You pop the card in. The GRISTWIDGET indicates it will cost 10 BOONDOLLARS to convert this object into grist. That's not too bad, you guess. It's not like the currency has much value anyway. It was introduced as a sort of BCCORP FUNBUX, to be used by youngsters specifically on qualifying merch online and stuff. Brilliant business strategy, really. As heiress to the empire, you are naturally endowed with millions, which you have a reputation for being very generous with. You have been considering using your wealth to set up a scholarship fund to allow underprivileged kids to go to booncollege.
"Jane: Check out gristwidget."
This thing's a piece of junk! It just wastes your boondollars and destroys your cool gear to produce these stupid things that look like Gushers! But unlike Gushers which serve many practical purposes like inducing vomiting and simulating the experience of eating plump insects, these things are totally useless!
"Jane: Inspect books."
You have a COOKBOOK, which of course was made obsolete by your computerized talking bowlbuster. You wouldn't dare part with it though. Too many wonderful memories.
There's Anderson's aforementioned book, WISE GUY. His (Caveney's) stories are gripping! In a way.
And then there's a customized copy of PONY PALS, a gift to you on your 14th birthday from the slippery Mr. Strider. Each page contains lovingly hand-written commentary on the deeds of this intrepid young horse.
"Jane: Captchalogue all."
Your sylladex is so great. You shudder to remember some of the old shitty fetch modi you used to struggle with when you were younger, still learning the captchaloguing ropes. Fibonacci heap??? Lol at the f'ing noob.
"Jane: Dump chest."
Might as well get all this crap out of here and take it with you. You never know when you might need it.
You shut the chest and... oh, hello Harry Anderson. Always a pleasure to see you there.
He is also one of your idols, and as it happens, has a bit of a history with your poppop. They were rivals on the vaudeville comedy and magic act circuit. Eventually the less competent Anderson was shamed out of the industry and went on to greener pastures in the PRIVATE DICKING BIZ. He became one of the hardest boiled detectives on the mean streets of the Big Easy, and later made a fortune off his memoirs (ghost written by Mike Caveney).
"Jane: Rummage around."
Just your basics when it comes to pranking. A few CLEVER DISGUISES. A NAME BRAND DUNCE CAP. A SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED EDITION OF SASSACRE'S TEXT, updated for the modern prankster and scrubbed of a few of the more egregious julep-fueled racial slurs, several other stray books, your company's prototypical model for the GRISTWIDGET 12000, and of course your super-handy UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP for the young gogetting junior battermaster on the go.
"Jane: Ok, back to the chest."
You return to your BAKING CHEST which you use mainly for storing QUALITY PRANKING APPARATUS and a few other odds and ends.
Oh hello, poppop. His friendly face is there to greet you every time you open your chest. You would have loved to meet him. Unfortunately his life was cut short at the tender age of 86 in a tragic accident, coincidentally on the same day you were born, or so your dad tells you. Poppop Crocker was a LEGENDARY COMEDIAN, following in the footsteps of his grandfather who of course was the greatest southern pranking legend of all time. One day, you hope to follow in poppop's too.
But then, if the whoppers you have been told recently have any truth to them, maybe you will get to meet him after all? It seems too good to be true. The only relationship you have ever had with him are through video footage of his VAUDEVILLIAN ANTICS on stage. Or through his role as Judge Johnny Stone on one of your favorite old sitcoms, NIGHT COURT.
UU: good morning, lovely. ^u^
GG: Why, hellooooooo.
UU: so i gUess today is finally the day yoU make everything better.
UU: it is the day whereafter the legendary octet of mUtUal progenitoriety will come together and heal a great breach in paradox space.
UU: a day delivered throUgh eighty billion years and foUr distinct Universal instances worth of Unfathomable tUrbUlence.
UU: and while the emerald eye of this storm is fixed in the abyss forever
UU: today yoU are poised to escape its scowl once and for all.
UU: by skaias gUiding light, yoU may leave behind its tUrning arms of bright coloUrs and mayhem, and secUre peace for yoUr cosmic progeny for all dUration.
UU: and if yoU are to meet this departUre with trepidation i woUld Understand! bUt also i woUld ask
UU: is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?
GG: Gosh! So formal today.
UU: yes. u_u;
UU: i'm afraid i am gUilty of rehearsing this pep talk well in advance.
UU: i thoUght yoU deserved a proper sendoff.
UU: well then?
UU: is there nothing i can do?
UU: it was a serioUs qUestion. :u
GG: You needn't worry about easing my nerves.
GG: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be nearly as thrilled about today as I am!
UU: splendid! ^u^
UU: bUt remember i will be here to help, whilst refraining from caUsal spoilers to the best of my ability.
GG: That is reassuring!
UU: have yoU corresponded with yoUr first designated co-player yet?
GG: No, I haven't seen her online yet today.
GG: I'm really hoping Lalonde won't flake out on me this time. Have you heard from her?
UU: not the today that is local to yoU.
UU: thoUgh i do have a wee bit more troUble monitoring her than the rest of yoU. cUrioUs dark patches in transmission, hUmph.
UU: still, i woUldn't fret over it. she is as good a chUm as any yoU have and shoUld come throUgh Ultimately, even if things seem dire.
GG: If you say so.
GG: I wanted to tell you, I had an amazing dream last night!
UU: blimey! :U
GG: I believe it may have been of the sort you described. A dream of awakening, presuming I haven't just flatout lost my marbles.
UU: indeed, im sUre it was. i knew yoU woUld wake Up soon!
UU: might yoU describe what yoU saw?
GG: I was in a bright gold city. Above was a brilliant blue sky, but the horizon was dark as night.
GG: Was this the place you told me about? What was it called...
GG: Ah, shucks, does this count as a "causal spoiler?"
UU: not at all! that is a simple detail aboUt the realm yoU are aboUt to explore, withoUt directly involving yoUr fUtUre decisions of conseqUence.
UU: the place yoU visited was called prospit. it is where i have woken Up every time i have gone to sleep for most of my life.
GG: I didn't see you there. At least, I don't think I did!
UU: no, yoU woUldnt have.
UU: my prospit is an alternate version from yoUrs, in a completely different session qUite far afield of yoUr reality.
UU: if we are ever to meet in person, it is Unlikely to be while playing oUr respective games!
GG: Ok then.
GG: I mentioned this briefly to Jake, and he didn't have much to say before we parted ways.
GG: I will gather that if this is all true, then it means Jake had not awoken yet?
UU: i think this is for yoU to determine in time. what is yoUr hUnch?
GG: I don't know.
GG: But there was one thing about the dream that was very troubling.
GG: I'm becoming nervous to consider what it might mean.
UU: Understandable. bUt it will be important to practice patience today.
UU: yoU have a long road ahead of yoU, and many qUestions will be answered in time.
UU: bUt we can talk it over later. now, we both have games to prepare for!
UU: i know yoU coUld never fUlly appreciate what this actUally meant, bUt i took mUch care to sync Up these conversations with yoU on the same day that i begin playing as well.
UU: that way, we can joUrney throUgh oUr sessions together and compare notes! :u
GG: Hrm. I'm still not sure I appreciate what that means, but I appreciate that a nice gesture has been made if you say so!
GG: I guess I should just start believing all of this now, huh? Rather than learning it to be true later and feeling the fool for all my curmudgeonly skepticism?
GG: For starters, I guess I could drop my reservations about your story?
UU: will yoU :U!!!
GG: I can write off much to tomfoolery as I'm no stranger to a good prank myself. But quite honestly you seem too kind for this charade. Not the type I'd expect to trot out such persistent falsehoods beyond their humorous welcome.
GG: So what do I know! Consarn it, maybe you are an alien girl from Uranus, and together we are about to play a game which determines the fate of existence. Sign me up!
UU: oh, hee hee! bUt i never claimed to be from that planet, which is only in the far reaches of yoUr solar system.
UU: in fact i am from mUch farther away. a different Universe altogether.
UU: bUt if yoU trUly mean it, thank yoU for believing me!
UU: now, jane my lovely, let Us prepare for this adventUre.
UU: remember what i said aboUt the need for patience.
UU: patience with yoUr friends.
UU: patience for yoUr growth as a hero of life.
UU: and patience for the coming of the other foUr of legend.
UU: a hero of breath and of light and of time and of space!
UU: and if yoU still find yoUrself in doUbt
UU: jUst check the inscription on that big old book downstairs.
UU: after all, if yoU cant trUst words written by yoUr own hand
UU: then what Use is trUst at all? ^u^
UU: < kisses! >
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
"Jane: Open chest."
You decide to pass the time by rummaging through your BAKING CHEST and... hang on.
"Jane: Back to the window!"
Nope, still nothing. You surely would have heard the truck pull up. You guess the empire wasn't able to coordinate the mail with its rebranding. Maybe the U.S. Postal Service is the one thing it doesn't have its gnarled claws in yet? (Another mental note: sink gnarled claws into post office when you take over.)
"Jane: Try flipping switch."
You try the broken switch again. Hey look, it does something now, toggling your trusty bowlbuster between a STIRRING SOLUTION and a POKING SOLUTION. Neat!
"Jane: Examine bowlbuster."
Sure enough, the JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 has been affected too, along with your specibus.
"Jane: Look around."
Yep. This one changed too. Crockercorp is nothing if not thorough with its branding tactics. You guess it's pretty cool? It's just a fork instead of a spoon. Not the most awe inspiring logo you've ever seen, but who are you to judge? Aside from the future owner of the company.
(You make a mental note that when you turn 18 and inherit the company you will change it back to a spoon, you love the spoon.)
"Jane: Wait a minute."
You ride out another 60 seconds and... huh? Something happened to your BAKING CHEST. Did the logo just change?
You wonder what else may have been affected.
"Jane: Check clock."
Hold the phone. 11:10... you almost forgot! One minute until the empire's REBRANDING launch. You wonder if it will live up to the hype? Guess you'll find out.
"Jane: Answer Jake."
GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.
GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?
GG: Oh, that's fine!
GG: I had been meaning to message you sooner actually, but I suppose in all the hubbub today, it plumb slipped my mind.
GG: Which is a shocking fact on its lonesome, considering what I have to tell you!
GT: *Loosens collar a bit.*
GG: As for this Strider business, hrmmm. He's an elusive guy Jake. You know that.
GG: I talked to him yesterday. That's as much help as I can be!
GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on.
GG: Hoo hoo.
GG: I love that thing. :B
GT: He wouldnt be pleased to hear you say that.
GG: What do you need with him?
GG: Does this have to do with your crazy pen pal project?
GT: It most certainly does and time is of the essence!
GT: Today is the day i have to finish it and send it. Not a day later!
GT: So you see why i am feeling really friggin discombobulated at the moment.
GG: Sorry, J. :(
GG: This would be the birthday present... for your grandmother?
GT: It is for your grandfather simply to be *relayed* to him by my grandmother. A joint gift to him from she and i.
GG: Her and me.
GT: What? Who and you now?
GG: "A joint gift from her and me." Grammar, Jake!
GT: Oh for frigs flipping sake jane this is no time for your prudish pedantry! Leave your bookish malarkey in a dusty old library somewhere. I have an adventure to get on with!
GG: So if I have this straight, the big thing hogging up your plate today is not this marvelous new game which I have invited you to play with me, but finishing a robotic rabbit to give to my dead poppop?
GT: Bingo. *double pistols and a wink*
GG: You are a very strange and silly boy.
GT: Please jane we have addressed this.
GT: I am sending the gift back in time to when they are both alive and about our age.
GT: Something like that. Something funny is going on here that i have not fully grappled yet but dag nab it if im not gonna see it through.
GG: Godspeed, then! I do hope you can pull it off.
GT: Are you being fresh with me now?
GT: Look jane i know youve never believed me and you think everything i say is some big cockamamie goofoff but i think today of all days is when you should start taking some things more seriously.
GT: Especially since i have always had your back. I have always believed in you!
GG: Hey! I have believed in you too.
GG: However, believing somebody isn't the same thing as believing IN somebody.
GG: But that much said...
GG: I think that maybe I am getting ready to believe some of the wild stories I've heard?
GG: Or, if not believe outright, reserve judgment on, at least.
GT: Is that so!
GG: I don't know!
GG: I'm still not sure what to think. But what I wanted to tell you this morning was...
GG: I had a really wild dream last night.
GG: And you were in it.
GT: Oh my. *glasses fog up. fumbles for kerchief.*
GG: Sh! Not like that.
GG: It was so real! I think we were in the game, even though we haven't started playing yet.
GG: I don't know what to make of it. Whether it was a vision of the future, or somewhere that exists now, or if it was just a really lucid dream due to excitement.
GT: What was i doing there?
GG: Not a heck of a lot!
GG: I really want to tell you all about it, but it will take some time to explain, and we both have things to attend to.
GG: You with your time traveling rabbitwork, and I, my vigilant window gazing!
GT: Too true.
GT: Let us reconvene later and sort out all this shit at a leisurely pace.
GG: Yes, ok, good luck Jake!
GT: Okay you too jane! Bye!
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
Ugh, look at this dreadful clutter. You have got to switch. But then, brand loyalty is a powerful thing.
Looks like Jake is messaging you.
"Jane: Go to computer."
You know you really should switch to PESTERCHUM. It's what your friends use, and it's a lot better than BETTYBOTHER, if you're being honest with yourself. BB is just so spammy and annoying with all of the popups everywhere.
Looks like somebody is bothering you. He better make it quick! You've got a window to stay glued to.
He just captchalogued the CAR. Oh, that's right. He was going to wash it today. He's probably taking it into the back yard next to the garden hose. He keeps a very busy fatherly itinerary. So many dad things to do, every single day.
If the mail arrives soon, this would be a great opportunity to sneak out and get it! Fingers crossed.
It's still not there. But there is your dad. What is he up to?
"Jane: Look out window."
You've been fidgeting around your room all day, making little observations about your various belongings, checking the clock. When will the dang mail get here?? You take another peek out the window, just in case.
"Jane: Examine bunnies."
These customized bunnies were gifts to you on your 13th birthday, from two of your friends. Both were heirlooms passed down to them, and they decided to coordinate gift ideas and send you dressed up versions of their beloved childhood toys. You like to think he was shooting for a detective bunny with the one on the left, but you know realistically it was probably an Indiana Jones bunny more in line with his interests than yours, especially since it came with a little whip you have since misplaced. The bunny used to belong to his GRANDMA. The other one used to belong to your friend's MOM, and she dressed it as a wizard, which was also unapologetically more representative of her interests than yours. That's ok though, you loved the gesture anyway, and you and she are totally BFFSIES 4EVERZ, her words. And you agree with them!
You did get one more bunny from your other pal. He had to make it himself from scratch, since for some ridiculous reason he didn't happen to have a ratty old bunny heirloom lying around. His gift was... somewhat less innocuous. You have no idea where it is though. Probably just as well.
"Jane: Take spoon."
You tuck your trusty JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 into your strife deck, allocated with the ever martially-pragmatic SPOONKIND. You wouldn't have it any other way!
You love your fancy spoon. It has several million recipes stored in it, and walks you through each step with a soothing female robot voice, just like in science fiction. Some urban legends say that the device also broadcasts subliminal messages distributing OMINOUS CROCKERCORP PROPAGANDA, but you don't put any stock in that sort of baloney for a second.
There is one switch on it that doesn't seem to do anything. Maybe yours is defective? Still, it's perfectly serviceable, and has assisted you in whipping many a cake into delicious submission.
"Jane: Check out other posters."
Another Sleuth poster of course, with two of your favorite dames ever.
The TOBIAS and the MANHATTAN were gifts for your 14th birthday, sent to you by your good buddy Jake. Just a couple of PERIWINKLE HEARTHROBS unquestionably sent in playful retaliation for the ribbing you've given him over the years for his inexplicable infatuation with his phthalo femmes. So he made a couple of coy recommendations for objects of your attraction, and you have hung his COBALT BEEFCAKES here since. He was pretty spot on with the blue Funke, to be honest, since that's like the best show ever. Mr. Cross can blue himself any time, as far as you are concerned. But the Manhattan... not so much. Comics aren't really your thing. But you hung it up anyway because that's the sort of thing you do in a mildly escalating feud of passive-aggressive one-upsmanship. You own it. But you felt kind of weird about having his BLUE MUTANT PENIS dangle over your head while you sleep, so you covered it up with something even more obscene, some sort of revolting TROLL HOWIE MANDEL, also gifted to you by Jake. Good lord does that kid have some spotty tastes.
There is also your magnificent SWANSON. Ron Swanson is the PERFECT MAN. You have tried to order all of the bacon and eggs in a restaurant on several occasions. But your dad never lets the order go beyond the joke level. What a fuddyduddy.
"Jane: Inspect posters."
It's one of your funnymen pinups, a glorious FOXWORTHY. It's one interest that overlaps with your DAD'S. He thinks his corny redneck shtick is just the funniest thing since sliced bread, that was sliced by a hilarious clown with a laugh knife. Honestly, you don't care much for his comedy though. Dealing the low income bucolic classes affectionate sass ad nauseum isn't what you'd call your cup of tea. You just think he's really handsome. Every time he starts rattling off pointers on how to self-diagnose bumpkinhood, you just get lost in that pair of blue twinklers and those soft auburn lipbristles. You were so shy when you got the poster autographed. If only you felt WORTHY of that FOX, heh heh.
Oh and there's one of your PROBLEM SLEUTH posters. You've got a lot of Problem Sleuth stuff, because you think detective stories are just so swell. This was the last panel in the first story, which ended a little before your 13th birthday. Since then, the author has been steadily updating PROBLEM SLEUTH 2, which you have been following avidly. You are happy that he stayed in that lane, and stuck with a time-tested formula. If he went in a different direction, you probably would have found it really disappointing.
"Jane: Get hat."
You captchalogue your FAVORITE HAT, which is also your ONLY HAT. You spent basically your ENTIRE CHILDHOOD in this hat, pretending to be hard boiled detectives and whatnot. In public, you and your DAD made quite the pair. Everyone could tell by a glance that you were your father's daughter, sired from his loins directly and genetically, through what was undoubtedly a natural process of human procreation involving a man and a woman. People would definitely nod and say, "Yep, that little lady sure did emerge from a womb on account of that gentleman's awesome virility."
As you can see, there are loads of ways to cook up a hat like this, involving many stupid combinations of random objects.
"Jane: Captchalogue it!"
You stick the RECIPE MODUS in your... uh... RECIPE MODUS!
You flip the card over and look at the back. The thing about this modus you think is really cool is that instead of showing a completely useless wobbly garbled code on the back, it itemizes the components which could be used to create it! In a completely hypothetical framework, of course.
Just another wonderful innovation by your favorite company. It releases many products of an experimental nature, often with applicability to other kinds of technology and products which haven't hit the market yet. Of course, as the heiress, you are privy to all the sweetest gear in advance. Maybe you'll rummage through some of that stuff later.
The modus as a captchalogued object has only one simple recipe, involving an ARRAY MODUS (snore!) and a COOK BOOK (yesss!) Other objects have more varied and elaborate recipes though.
"Jane: Examine fetch modus."
It's your RECIPE MODUS, an extremely handy little inventory widget your DAD got for you for your birthday a couple years ago. He can be a real hard-ass sometimes (not really), but he sure knows how to spoil his little girl.
What was it you were up to? Oh right, this game. You're excited about that!
Earlier this morning you thought you heard the mail truck, even though the mail never comes in the morning. But just to be sure, you rushed downstairs to check, even though due to recent events, you are FORBIDDEN FROM LEAVING THE HOUSE. Alas, it was not there, and you sort of spaced out at the sky with a goofy grin on your face for no great reason, and then you were caught red handed by your guardian. Then you got in trouble.
You think you might be grounded now? Whatever, DAD!
Your name is JANE. As was previously mentioned, you are poised for an ELITE OPPORTUNITY to test the SBURB ALPHA. It is so elite in fact, you are the only of your kind invited to playtest! Though you guess that probably comes with the territory of being the HEIRESS APPARENT TO A BAKED GOODS EMPIRE. You don't suppose it hurts that you are said empire's NUMBER ONE FANGIRL, either! It should come as no surprise that you enjoy BAKING, but you also adore reading DETECTIVE STORIES. You fancy yourself a SKILLED PRANKSTRESS, if by no other measure than lineage. Though at times you feel it's tough to fill those shoes when you are SURROUNDED BY JOKERS. Seriously, the shenanigans perpetrated by your pals make your old school japes feel KIND OF PEDESTRIAN SOMETIMES, but oh well, you love them all anyway. You once dabbled in AMATEUR BOTANY but found it TOO FRUSTRATING, because your VEGETABLES KEPT DISAP-actually you know what, you DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. You love SITUATION COMEDIES, whilst holding particular affection for MUSTACHIOED FUNNYMEN. You know, your FOXWORTHIES, your FUNKES, your SWANSONS, but not necessarily your GALLAGHERS PER SE, because you have to draw the fucking line somewhere. You are also pleased to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, though saddened by their regrettable FAKENESS ATTRIBUTE.
But none of that's on your mind now, because you are PSYCHED about this SPECIAL DATE, 11.11.11, i.e. 2X3PRONG DAY (WHATEVER THAT MEANS), a date exhibiting just the sort of numerical gimmick corporations love to exploit for their big releases, or for launching MAJOR REBRANDING INITIATIVES. In the case of your CHERISHED MULTIGLOBAL EMPIRE, both such events are slated to happen today. You can't wait to see what is in store, and for the mail to come. When it does, you will waste no time in embarking on the game's MAIDEN VOYAGE, and if even a fraction of what you've heard turns out to be true, you are prepared to have the time of your LIFE!!!
What will you do?
You cannot enter her name!!! It was already engraved in her HONORARY PLACRONYM on her 13th birthday, which was about two and a half years ago, and has been sitting here neatly on the bookshelf ever since. Attempting to engrave it with another name after completing this sacred rite of passage is practically unheard of, and is a gesture nearly as offensive as it would be if you tried to name her something dumb like Barnstench Fartface. Luckily she is not the sort to hold a grudge, and she will let it slide this time. As long as you hurry up and get her big day started!
A young lady stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 11th of November, 2011, is the date scheduled for the launch of a highly exclusive playtesting experience for a much anticipated game. The young lady is expecting to find this game in her mailbox today. She is expecting the game to be enclosed in a pair of envelopes, and printed on these envelopes, she is expecting to find her name!
What do you suppose the name on the envelopes will be?
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