You build a ripoff TAB town out of one can. Wheeeee.
You're too lazy to knock it over though.
"James: Search for a walkthrough."
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What? No. No, no. You can handle this. Screw you. You just have to ignore your neighbors and twist the wheely-dealy thing to do something good, right? Yeah. Simple.
You don't feel like doing this, not right now.
"SI: Be the other kid."
Nah, you decide to be this ki--
Wait a second. What in the name of...
Oh my god it's a cheap ripoff brand.
"SI: Drink TAB."
You dig around inside your pocket, hoping to grab that delicious can of sugary carbonated water.
Ah! There it is.
"SI: Mash buttons."
You slam your fist crazily around on the keyboard for no apparent reason. You end up pressing a cool purple button over and over. It doesn't seem to do much.
"SI: Is that a hatch?"
Why, indeed it is. Unfortunately, it seems to be stuck, no matter how long you dangle your admittedly small weight from it.
The latch seems to have some mechanism inside it. If only you knew what button to push to activate it...
"SI: Open your sylladex."
What in the world is a sillydex? Everyone knows that the only way to live is off the clothes on your back.
So you've got yourself... pretty much nothing.
Is... your own conscience trying to charm you? What... even?
Is... your own conscience trying to charm you? What... even?
"SI: This nerd is beautiful. Flirt."
In an astonishing display of bipolar reactions to humans randomly appearing on your screen, you decide to flirt with the kid instead.
"SI: PUNCH THAT NERD IN THE FACE."
What is this stupid fool doing on your screen? Real men don't cry.
Unfortunately, you can't reach with your stubby arms. Instead, you decide to type angry messages to him.
WHEEEEE -- oh. It looks like you did something.
What's this nerd doing?
"SI: Press the keys. ALL THE KEYS."
WHEE THIS IS SO MUCH FUN
Wha... where are you?
"SI: Enter the building."
You can't really do that, bud. Have you seen the state of this door? It's sealed tight. Shut up. Whatever that is inside is lost to reality...
You've been wandering around for years. And you're goddamn sick of it.
This stupid building is the only thing in sight. You've been running around it for months, following the shade. Water seems to seep out of one end, and you've been living off that.
What have you been eating?
Uh, it's probably better not to say.
"June: Be the other guy."
SOME YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...
You are the SULLEN ITINERANT. And it is night time.
"June: M.O. LEVEL ONE!"
Alright, mom . Let's see how you fare against...
Oh. Right. You need to have exhausted all other options before you use your MODUS OPERANDI - at least, for a level one. In any case, you're not especially sure it would have worked against your mom. She's quick to action.
Actually, you forgot what M.O. you had installed in your STRIFE SPECIBUS MOD. Hm...
Well, crap. That didn't work. You were sure it would have hurt her or something, at the very least.
I guess it's time to pull out the big guns.
Does it look like you could fit in there? You'd have to be paper-thin!
"June: Do an epic spin kick."
Oh man, you got James so good. You wish you could have seen his face.
RR: do i want to click on this
CC: y3s ;3
CC: click on it
rudimentaryRhymes ceased discoursing with cuteCat at 2:09 PM.
Whoa. Okay, then. Um. Maybe, maybe you should focus? On helping John? You dodged a bullet there, anywho.
cuteCat began discoursing with rudimentaryRhymes at 2:07 PM
CC: what ar3 you doing?
CC: i'm thinking about hot stuff ;3
RR: uh, not now, cici
RR: kinda Busy
CC: awww but i want3d to show you som3thing!
CC: i was thinking about you ;3 and i figur3d mayb3 you want to s33 this?
RR: see what?
"June: All the boys have been revealed and by process of elimination you must be a female. Begin flirting."
Oh, okay! You take to trolling your friends quite nicely, actually. You spin your WHEEL OF TROLLING and it lands on JAMES. Purrfect.
"June: Examine vase."
Oh, right. This thing. It's supposed to hold your grandfather's ashes. To be honest, though, you've never actually heard proof that you cremated your grandfather. They said he was buried in the graveyard, too. The vase is pretty tacky too.
You hate it, but for the most part you ignore it. You wonder why your attention was drawn to it now.
"June: Explore room."
There's not much to explore, so you just examine your room.
Your name is JUNE SPRING. Your interests include CATS, CATS, and MORE CATS. You are somewhat of a KNOW-IT-ALL when it comes to SPACE, especially planets. Your room is ALWAYS VERY EMPTY, albeit the SPACE MOBILE and AN ORNATE VASE on your FIREPLACE. Your BED is LACKING A BLANKET, because you never really felt the need for one!
"Enter name: JUNE SPRING"
Hey, you did it!
Don't talk to my smol precious sweet dear adorable cute child like that. Like every cat, she has claws.
"CC: Reveal yourself."
Oh, what a cute and precious and sweet and dear little child? What's her name?
"CC: Set up the client."
cuteCat began discoursing with armedArtist at 2:00 PM
CC: how ar3 you? :3
CC: you ar3 purrobably busy now!
CC: don't worry, i will talk to you lat3r!
CC: i just want3d to play a gam3 with you :3
AA: heY cici
AA: i'm here
CC: h33h33! it's funny wh3n you call m3 cici ;3
CC: but it's nic3 to s33 you too!
AA: You wanted to plaY a game?
AA: let me guess: hyfiy
CC: how did you know?
CC: you spooky kid :3
AA: HH warned me not to plaY and james is plaYing it with me right now
AA: do You have a copY?
CC: y3s! i'll s3t up as your cli3nt th3n!
CC: yay!!! :3
You do something useful by initiating the game and deploying the stuff that James has been deploying in your room. You, however, do not do a stupid thing and break CC's bed over their cruxtruder. That would be a jerk move. Hmph.
"James: Be the cool guy."
You've always been cool. That never stopped being a thing or anything.
Well, James has been busy.
Haha, but I digress. Paintings are dumb and will never be mentioned again in this fancomic. Anyways, let's see what James has been up to... oh.
"John: Contemplate life."
What a good use of your time. This painting... it's like a magical doorway to philosophical thought, where your mind is free to leave its burdens of the flesh and advance into the unknown. It's like paintings have some magical influence or significance.
The world is free and expansive, and everything is amazing...
You can't do that because you are too busy being John, and you are staring at this majestic painting to calm yourself down.
"John: Be HH."
Scientific progress goes "boink?"
... Right, right, back to the story. Better follow that command.
"Narrative: Move the story along."
Yes, that's a good idea. Here we go, time to submit a command...
"Laptop: Finish updating already."
Oh, look at that! 90% of the way there! I've shut off UPD8OT for now - its white text is really annoying, and it spends most of its time insulting us and calling us idiots. Oh well, I suppose I'll continue the updating since I'm not getting any commands. And I've regulated the update speed - each new panel will result in another percent being added to the progress bar.
Yeah, I can almost hear the fourth wall breaking. I'd best leave.
"Narrative: Check update status."
Okay, first off, you don't have to submit a command at me. Jegus. Alright, let's see here...
NO. STOP IT.
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"[S] John: Can you maybe chill?"
<iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/iMDVm0FivTI?controls=0&showinfo=0" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" width="560"></iframe>
How about YOU chill?
DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO JUST STOP FLIPPING OUT? ONLY A WEASEL CAN MASTER THE ART OF LOWERING THEIR FLIPOUT BAR TO ZERO! YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP LOOPING THE SAME VIDEO OF YOU TRYING TO DIE UNTIL THAT BAR RUNS OUT! COINCIDENTALLY IT MIGHT COINCIDE WITH THE UPDATE FINISHING, BUT UNTIL NOW YOU'RE GOING TO FLIP OUT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER FLIPPED OUT BEFORE! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BORED TO DEATH, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO BECOME ANOTHER PERSON! HOWEVER, YOU'RE TOO BUSY NOT BEING CHILL TO KNOW THAT!
Yeah, you're right. This is REALLY boring. I'm going to go get a drink or something. Oh wait, does this count as breaking the fourth wall? Borderline? Okay, I'm out.
STOP. SUBMITTING. COMMANDS. I'M NOT JOKING. SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME MAD. GO AWAY.
SERIOUSLY, QUIT IT, %USERNAME%. THIS IS FUTILE. I CANNOT MAKE THE UPDATE GO ANY FASTER.
"Update: Load already."
OKAY, LOOK HERE, %USERNAME%. STOP TRYING TO RUSH ME. I AM SIMPLY A COMPUTER PROGRAM. IT'S NOT LIKE SPAMMING COMMANDS WILL SPEED ME UP. THE FACT THAT SUBMITTING THAT COMMAND BUMPED ME TO <41.3 %> FROM <10 %> IS JUSTA COINCIDENCE. PLEASE DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
Hey now, you wouldn't desert your friend in the middle of a gaming session! Even if you would, you can't. It's taking forever to update.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING A MADMAN HAS INVADED YOUR PERSONAL SPACE AND HAS BEGUN DROPPING THINGS FROM THE SKY NOT TO MENTION BREAKING YOUR BED OVER THESE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS FROM THE SKY AAHHHHH!!!! RR HAS DONE IT THIS TIME, HE'S DONE GOOFED! YOUR BED IS A PERSONAL PLACE OF SOLACE AND A GREAT PLACE TO REFLECT ON YOUR THOUGHTS AS YOU CREATE ART!!! AND HE'S BROKEN IT! OH GOD!! NOT TO MENTION HE NEARLY CRUSHED YOU!! HE MERELY DROPPED AN ALIEN MACHINE RIGHT BEHIND YOU WITHOUT WARNING!!! OKAY, MAYBE HE DID WARN YOU, BUT YOU HADN'T READ HIS MESSAGES YET, SO HOW WOULD YOU HAVE KNOWN? STUPID IMPATIENT FRIEND! HE SHOULD HAVE WAITED! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT BIG ALIEN MACHINE? IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS BROKEN AS YOUR BED! WHAT A STROKE OF BAD LUCK! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HH; THEY WOULD HAVE MADE SURE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN YOUR BED BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH JAMES PLAYING THAT DUMB GAME!!!! WHY DID YOU EVER ACCEPT IT? SCREW THE COLORS! YOU JUST WANT YOUR BED BACK! HE RUINED THE FLOW OF YOUR ROOM!!!! NOW HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO CREATE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL ART??!!! THIS WAS A DUMB IDEA!!! YOU REGRET EVERYTHING!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Well, let's leave John to his freakout. As Author I'm taking control of this narrative. Let's move along.
lov the CRONCH.
RR: haha yo Bro
RR: look at this
RR: i can pick up your Bed
Messing around, you pick up John's bed. John runs off to the other side of the room.
"John: Discourse with James."
What? Who's James? Do you mean RR? Sure, you can do that. Just gotta hop back on your laptop and walk extremely slowly -
HOLY CRAP WHAT IN THE WONDEROUS WORLD WAS THAT.
"John: Examine the loaded game."
It looks about the same. It connected you to RR, and now you can be the Server Player for another one of your friends. You assigned yourself the tag AA (same as your discord username) and now you're just waiting for a friend to connect.
ERROR: COMMANDS NOT FOUND
You would exist, but no one's suggesting commands!
"John: Get up and use your laptop."
Huh? Oh, yeah, you're up. Just sort of spaced out there.
What do you mean, italics? It doesn't represent anything at all. As far as you can tell, you don't see anything.
Except for that giant alert bubble. Wow, how many times did James message you? Seriously, the dude types way too fast. Might as well check it...
and then you proceeded to read through the last conversation , followed by several "hey's" from your friend. Man, he is impatient.
Anyways, it looks like the game has loaded. What are you gonna do?
"James: Select the hammer thing."
RR: get Back on your laptop
RR: where doing this
RR: where making it hapen
RR: hurry up dude
RR: stop sitting around on your lazy Bum
RR: so i can change your room up to... uh, Build it taller
RR: is what GameBro says
RR: But whatever
RR: right now you need to respond
RR: alright, when you get Back up talk to me
RR: i'm gonna take a tour of this game's controls
Well, first of all, it's the BUILD TOOL. It seems to allow you to change the properties of some objects - namely, houses. You figure if you highlight a section of the room, you can shrink it down or expand it out. However, it requires BUILD GRIST in order to change this stuff. It's an interesting function - if you shrink an object, you'll get BUILD GRIST out of it. If you expand something, you'll use BUILD GRIST. Checking your BUILD GRIST should be relatively easy... ah, yes. The far right option that isn't cut off by the screen should be the GRIST METER with a built-in GRIST TORRENT. However, the GRIST TORRENT feature seems to be disabled as of now. Your session has 10 BUILD GRIST to use.
Oh hey, there's John! He looks pretty normal. You've always imagined him as a pretty boring guy, and his room only adds to your suspicions. He should hop back on his computer, though. You're trying to contact him.
No luck. Oh well, while he lies around and does nothing, what other things can you explore?
"HYFIY: Start up."
What are you going to do with this wide array of new things to do?
Ah, yeah. You were helping out AA with his game. Let's see here... yeah, already done. Just need to key in "Server..."
Anyways, what were you doing before you got derailed?
You think about it for a while. See how dumb that looks?
Although, if you were a furry, you'd be a fox.
"James: You're a furry?"
What? No. You did NOT just say that. You are in no way, shape, or furm affiliated with those band of ruffians. You are simply a fan of the Major Leauge Ponies and the extra-fun plots they have. The rich storyline infused with the lifeblood of amazingly composed music is great. You wonder sometimes how Havebro™ makes such great jams for a simple toys company. Not that you're complaining.
Anyways, yeah, you're not a furry.
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Heck fudging yes.
You are so smooth.
Not to mention there's no one around to hear it. Still, very brazen. Not cool at all.
There's a much better way to do this.
All over the neighborhood?
"James: Examine room."
Your name is JAMES SUMMER. Your interests include LISTENING TO MUSIC, MAKING SWEET JAMS, and BEING COOL. You are somewhat of a MANIAC when it comes to TV SHOWS, especially good ones. Your room is NORMALLY QUITE CLEAN, but you suppose someone happened to catch you at a BAD TIME. Your BED is REALLY ONLY JUST A PILLOW AND A BLANKET ON THE FLOOR, SINCE COMFORT IS FOR THE WEAK. Anyways, what will you do?
"Enter name: JAMES SUMMER"
You got it!
You can now switch between characters by prefacing with abbreviations (i.e. JOHN AUTUMN = JA: <command>) or their first names (JOHN AUTUMN = John: <command>). You can also tell a character to "be the other guy" to switch between perspectives.
Okay, Author out C;
Oh come on, you're not even trying. Try again, braniac.
What is this fine lad's name?
"John: Be HH."
What's that you say? Be RR? Great idea!
"Game: Finish loading already."
AA: it's searching for a server copY?
RR: yeah Bro
RR: hold on my copy is still loading
RR: kinda Boring But eh
RR: this game's gonna Be good, yo
AA: and how do You know this?
RR: dude, you havent read gameBro yet?
RR: its groundBreaking
RR: anyways here
RR: its one of their old copies aBout some other dumB game
RR: not as good as this one oBviously
AA: hm looks interesting
AA: tell me when You connect
"John: Pretend you never saw that."
You can't... it's so pretty... You're in awe, and nothing can stop you...
"[S] Hyfiy: Load."
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What nonsense is this? You're legitimately afraid. "Entrapping Housedwellers, Attaching Horns, Creating Chesspeople, Generating Worlds, Empowering Rings, Carving Beds..." There's a very high change you've just downloaded a virus (like, seriously, what kind of file extension is .omega?) but the colors... so pretty...
"John: Open the file."
You really hope RR hasn't sent you a virus, because you just opened it up.
"John: Discourse with your friend."
rudimentaryRhymes began discoursing with armedArtist at 12:20 PM
RR: you there?
RR: hey Buddy
RR: wake up sleepyhead
RR: i got this sweet new game for us to play
RR: come on dude
AA: ugh dude
AA: i was onlY off for, like, three seconds
AA: You are a lightning beast at tYping
RR: haha thanks my dude
RR: But you need to check out this arBitrarily awesome game
AA: are You serious
AA: first off, that's a dumb waY to accentuate Your quote
AA: secondlY, HH told me not to plaY a game with You
AA: so don't bother sending the file
rudimentaryRhymes sent armedArtist "hyfiy.omega" [1213 KB]
AA: goddamn it
RR: man whats gotten your Britches all in a twist
RR: you know that HH is uptight sometimes
RR: you need to sit Back and relax with your Best Bud
AA: alright, i'll trY it
AA: also whY was that underlined
RR: huh? what was
RR: i dont see nothin' on my end
AA: must be a weird bug
AA: alright im loading it up
Alright, you're on - OH GOD WHY ARE THESE SPEECH BUBBLES METAPHYSICAL OBJECTS
"John: Make an excuse."
Dad: I MISSED YOU.
John: that is because i am Your onlY son.
Dad: IS THAT HOW YOU GREET YOUR FATHER?
John: ugh, hi dad
John: what's up
Dad: I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU WERE DOING, JOHN.
Dad: IS IT WRONG TO CARE ABOUT YOUR SON?
John: Yeah, Yeah, whatever
John: look dad i am fine
John: i just need to
Dad: DO WHAT?
Dad: WELL, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, HAVE FUN, SON.
Dad: ALSO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
John: bYe now
Ugh. It's your WESTERN-FILMS OBSESSED DAD. While guns are cool, and so are movies, you think the only reason he's taken to them so obscenely is just to irk you. And it's working.
Well, you finish that talk up. He's pretty infuriating. But... yeah, it is your birthday. You've been pretty miffed that no one has told you "happy birthday," much less gift a present. Except for your dad. And there is NO WAY, in the history of EVER, that you are retrieving that embarrassment from under the bed. He does have a point, though. You're not doing anything. You should probably be doing things (that preferably advance the plot, but as of now you are unaware of any plot needing advancement).
"Plans: Get foiled."
John: i gotta find a waY out of here
Yeah. Good idea. Maybe if you can just... kind of... tiptoe away. Hopefully, no one sneaks up on you as you get away. Just a little farther, and then you can open the window and climb -
John: i am not in the mood for this
Not receiving any commands, you simply stand there and stare into the deep abyss.
What? Why would you do that? There's no way the impact would even tamper with the chest's lock, much less break it. And you don't especially want to do that, after what you've seen in the yard. You'd rather keep your FIREARMS in your room. That idea sounds like something you'd do in a crappy alternate universe. It's so stupid, you'd much rather write on toilet paper with your own poop than do that. Jegus. You feel dumber just for having that thought. How many IQ points did you even lose, dude? How high do you have to be?
Yeah, you're chock full of REFRANCES today.
"John: Go look outside the window."
Nuh-uh. No way. Nope. Heck no. You aren't going to look outside until you are ready and feeling less traumatized. Nope. There's no chance of you doing that again. You might as well do something else.
You will never understand HH. You make your most disgusted face to express your bluh feelings towards them, not unlike a facial expression you might get from getting bopped on the head by a toolbox.
harmlessHeathens began discoursing with armedArtist at 12:13 PM.
HH: You there?
HH: ThiS iS important.
HH: Alright, I underStand.
HH: I can wait.
HH: JuSt worried.
HH: I needed to tell you about...
AA: heY what's up
AA: there a problem?
HH: Have you heard from RR anytime Soon?
HH: He haS Something to Show you.
HH: I Sincerely recommend for you not to uSe it.
HH: I have heard Some very bad thingS about it.
AA: uh okaY
AA: care to tell me what it is?
AA: whY is it so bad?
HH: It'S probably beSt to let RR tell you themSelveS.
harmlessHeathens ceased discoursing with armedArtist at 12:15 PM.
AA: its not like i wanted to be in the loop
AA: does this have something to do with that new virtual realitY game that is going around
AA: whY am I still talking to them
AA: theY are gone
AA: i suddenlY understand nothing
Stupid cryptic friends.
"John: Read the messages."
It's best not to ignore HH. They can get a bit pushy if you don't answer. Now, let's see here...
John: i can deal with this outside stuff later
John: ow! fudge!
John: alright, alright, jeez, i'm coming
John: man, second time i've hit mY head
You're about to deal with this outside stuff... but then you hear someone trying to message you. Better check that out.
"John: Look out the window."
Holy moly, what on earth is that...?
John: what the heck was that?
You fail to resist the urge.
Yeah... it's probably a good idea, to rest your head, just for a little bit. Recharging your NRG stat is always good. Just gonna... lie down... for a small nap...
"John: Retrieve arms from chest."
John: seriouslY, whY would this be locked
John: this is mY crap!
John: it's as if kids aren't allowed to use guns!
John: this is dumb
John: super dumb
John: i mean, whY wouldn't kids be allowed to use guns?
John: what could go wrong?
John: but noo
John: ow my head hurts
John: man this sucks
John: i'm tired af now
John: i should probablY sleep
Hardy har har, obligatory funny Homestuck REFRANCE again. How original. Nevertheless, you go to your chest containing your treasured FIREARMS. Alas, it seems to have been locked by your guardian. Sucks to suck.
Anyways, after the long and harrowing self-talk, you are left low on energy.
Your name is JOHN AUTUMN. Your interests include MAINTAINING A PET, KEEPING FIREARMS AWAY FROM OTHER CHILDREN, and ART. You are somewhat of a FANATIC when it comes to MOVIES, especially good ones. Your room is NORMALLY QUITE MESSY, but you suppose someone happened to catch you at a GOOD TIME. Your BED is MADE NEATLY, so as to hide the... er... Probably better not to tell. Anyways, what will you do?
"Enter name: JOHN AUTUMN"
Why, what a creative last name! Good job!
"Enter name: ZOOSMELL POOPLORD"
Hardy har har, an obligatory Homestuck joke. Very nice REFRANCE.
Try again, dimwit.
"STUPID HOMESTUCK PARODY: BEGIN."
Jegus. You don't have to be rude about it.
Anyways, what's this fine fellow's name?