AlterniaFM
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18/05/17
"==>"

PANTSPRITE: above this tower lies The Seven Gates.
PANTSPRITE: your first task is to escape from this tower, and enter The First Gate.
PANTSPRITE: once you have done this, your quest will truly begin!
PANTSPRITE: you will find the thunder forms the beat which drums through every consciousness.
PANTSPRITE: and you will mend what is deemed unworthy of repair.
PANTSPRITE: and... you will finally remember.

18/05/17
"==>"

PANTSPRITE: as your guide, i have a very large supply of knowledge available to me!
PANTSPRITE: some of it i have only now come to know due to my existence as a Sprite, and some of it i have known since my inception.
PANTSPRITE: the nature of my current state of being means i cannot divulge it all at once, but there are still things i can tell you!
PANTSPRITE: for instance, it may interest you to know that you are what is known as a Sylph of Mind!
PANTSPRITE: you probably do not know what that means, but i have faith you will one day fully realize your role as a Hero!
PANTSPRITE: however, you have a very long quest ahead of you first.
PANTSPRITE: one thing you should be informed of immediately is that you are no longer on earth.
PANTSPRITE: your planet is, sadly, doomed to fall.
PANTSPRITE: you now stand within your Land, the first of four to appear within The Incipisphere.
DOLCI: is that why everything's all grey outside?
PANTSPRITE: no!
PANTSPRITE: everything is all grey outside because you are stuck in a tower.
DOLCI: oh.

18/05/17
"==>"

DOLCI: pants???
DOLCI: you're, uh.
DOLCI: big
DOLCI: and purple. and possibly a ghost?
PANTSPRITE: not a ghost!
PANTSPRITE: i am very much alive! :3
DOLCI: oh
DOLCI: huh. yooou can speak.
DOLCI: that'll.. take some getting used to.
PANTSPRITE: yes!
PANTSPRITE: i have always been able to speak.
PANTSPRITE: it is just only now that i have a voice!
PANTSPRITE: but it is okay if that is something you cannot understand just yet.
PANTSPRITE: you have many more important things to think about!
DOLCI: i do?

18/05/17
"==>"

PANTSPRITE: meow.

18/05/17
"==>"

DOLCI: :0

18/05/17
"Be DA."

You are now AD.

11/05/17
"==>"

That went about as well as you expected it to.

EMPATHY isn't really your strong suit. You care about them, sure, but you've got a host of your OWN problems to worry about as well.

11/05/17
"==>"

DA: i know that's a pretty heavy thing to just drop outta nowhere but
DA: seven billion people have to die and out of all people, I'M one of the chosen few allowed to live?
DA: it just feels a li'l wrong
DA: like it's. not something i deserve
AN: Hey!!!
AN: You definitely deserve to live. :C
AN: ...I would say everyone does but I guess that's not really helpful right now.
AN: You know I'm not the best at this sort of thing.
AN: Maybe talk to Alli about it?
DA: i'll probably do that, yeah
DA: and don't worry tbh i'll most likely end up playing anyway
DA: sometimes you've just gotta get stuff off your chest y'feel
DA: anywho i'll let you get back to your espionage shenanigans
DA: and, uh
DA: sorry for all that
DA: and everything else really
-- destinedAmbitendency [DA] ceased pestering arbitraryNascency [AN] at 01:11 --

11/05/17
"==>"

DA: so, like
DA: this is the literal apocalypse that's happening right now, right
DA: this ain't just a casual meteor shower and we're genuinely dealing with the extinction of the entire planet
DA: 'cause this here guide on the videogame you've persuaded us to play sure is saying just that
AN: ...Yeah.
AN: Secret's out. You got me! The world's ending.
DA: and you've known this the entire time and neglected to inform any of us
AN: Believe it or not it's not a really pleasant thing to talk about!
AN: I thought it'd be better if nobody else knew so you didn't all have to worry about it ahead of time.
AN: But yes. I've known for about... five years.
DA: sheesh
DA: you've just been sitting on that there nugget of truth for half a decade huh
DA: well that's all fine and dandy really
DA: can't pretend i've never wanted to kiss this hell planet a permanent goodbye
DA: but, like
DA: if this game's the only way out, why are only the four of us playing it?
DA: y'know, just seems like it'd be wiser to have a whole group of people instead of. a handful of depressed teenagers
AN: Yyyyyyeah.
AN: The reason for that isn't an easily explained thing.
AN: But basically we're the only people who CAN survive.
AN: But!! The important bit is that we can survive.
AN: That's better than nobody making it at all.
DA: yeah, i get that
DA: it's just...
DA: i'm not sure if i want to?

11/05/17
"Minna: Answer chum."

-- destinedAmbitendency [DA] began pestering arbitraryNascency [AN] at 01:01 --
DA: hey
DA: hey, you
DA: beep beep wake up the world's on fire
DA: well, parts of it are, probably
DA: it'll all be consumed eventually though
DA: around the same time most of us are gonna meet our collective grisly demises
DA: "us" in this sense referring to the population of this here planet, not "us" specifically
DA: but i digress
DA: there's conversations that need to be had so get up already
DA: c'mon i know you're there
AN: Oh!
AN: Didn't notice your message until now. Sorry!
AN: Though I'm a little busy at the moment. Is whatever you need quick?
DA: so i'm gonna go ahead and assume by 'busy' you mean 'doing something of dubious legality'
DA: since that's usually how it goes
AN: Hey! I'm only going into a place that I technically live in.
AN: The fact that it's a secret underground laboratory has no bearing on the situation.
AN: Besides.
AN: It's not like anyone's ever found out I'm doing this.
AN: So really there's no proof whatsoever that anything illegal's taking place.
DA: ah, i see
DA: it's not a crime if nobody catches you
AN: Exactly!
DA: well as much as i hate to interrupt you while you're busy being the only remotely interesting member of our little group
DA: it seems to me that there's a serious conversation that needs to take place here

11/05/17
"Minna: Locate source of BEEP."

Aw, beans. Looks like you were still set to PLEASANT on your phone. You guess there's no more avoiding it.

11/05/17
"==>"

Or that could happen.

11/05/17
"==>"

This lab is where Skaiacorp conducts its more DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS. It also happens to be where the game SBURB is under development, which you stole and finished yourself in order to play it before THE END arrives. There could be a few MAD SCIENTISTS around, so you should probably be stealthy and not make any loud noises.

03/05/17
"==>"

You enter the lab.

03/05/17
"Minna: Exit."

03/05/17
"Minna: Open door."

The last time the PASSWORD changed was a few days ago. Not that it was remotely difficult to figure out. Heck, this time it's your BIRTHDAY. How were you not supposed to find it out easily? You really question how smart your mother thinks you are sometimes.

03/05/17
"==>"

Before you leave, you grab your PHONE. You're of the opinion that one should always carry around some form of computational device. Not more than one, though. Having multiple at once would just be silly.

03/05/17
"==>"

On the other hand, you have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE what this one does. You certainly didn't write this. Is it even syntactically viable? All those bifurcations and transfusions look a little out of your league. You didn't even download it - it just randomly appeared one day. Out of caution and common sense, you've never run it. ~ATH can be pretty destructive in the right hands.

03/05/17
"Minna: Examine ~ATH files."

Remembering that you might encounter this type of coding again soon, you return to your laptop to inspect your ~ATH files. You're not as proficient in TILDEATH as you are in DISASTERISK, but you do dabble in it a bit.

This first file is a fairly rudimentary code. All it does is, upon the moment of your death, ensure that the one who orchestrated your demise swiftly meets the same fate.
...That's what it said in the guide, anyway. You actually have no idea if it works, but you still keep it running. Just in case.

03/05/17
"Minna: Retrieve bunny."

You re-arm yourself. With such a powerful weapon at your command, you're sure to overcome any hardships.

15/04/17
"Minna: Examine door."

After reading a few pages, you take a break in order to examine the TRANSDOORTALIZER.
This is one of many such doors in your house, all of which lead directly to SKAIACORP. This one was here long before this was converted into a BEDROOM, and you are ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN from entering it. Not that that's ever stopped you. The password changes a few times, but it's always easy to figure out. You guess that's what happens when your mother's so TRANSPARENT.

You do have some business on the other side of that door, but you're not sure you should go through it just yet.

15/04/17
"==>"

You navigate over to the NEW and COOL ADVENTURE, VAST ERROR. This adventure's been receiving some mixed reviews thus far, most critics complaining about the LACK OF ORIGINALITY, but you don't really understand where they're coming from. The only thing that does weird you out a little is how everything kinda looks JUST LIKE BART. You're sure this is just a coincidence.

15/04/17
"Minna: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com"

A perfect distraction. You move Pesterchum out of the way so you can open GAIA.

15/04/17
"==>"

A little weight lifts off your chest at the sight of DOLCI still being online. They made it in. You're pretty sure that if they were to die, you'd all be DOOMED. More than you already are, that is.

...You feel a little uneasy when you see who's pestering you, though. It's not that you don't LIKE them, it's just that they're a little DRAINING to speak to sometimes. You think you're going to pretend to be OFFLINE for a while longer. That doesn't make you a bad friend, right?

15/04/17
"Minna: Examine incoming message."

You should really get a chair one of these days.

15/04/17
"==>"

You're interrupted from your daydreaming by the unmistakable sound of a PESTERCHUM NOTIFICATION. You're quite sure you set yourself to "offline" before going to sleep, but it seems someone wants to speak with you regardless.

15/04/17
"==>"

If only it were possible.

But it's not.

15/04/17
"Minna: Imagine being a magical girl."

You take a moment to imagine what life would be like if you possessed MAGICAL ABILITIES. Oh, what a life that'd be! To wield such incredible power, and look so cute doing it! To vanquish the forces of evil under a moonlit sky! To be headstrong and energetic, filled with self-confidence and never doubting yourself!

10/04/17
"==>"

This fancy outfit was a gift from your mother, given to you shortly after you CAME OUT. It's not really your COLOR, but you wear it when you have some SERIOUS BUSINESS to get done.

And boy, do you have a lot of SERIOUS BUSINESS today. But you're probably going to fool around in your room a bit more first.

10/04/17
"Minna: Change outfits. "

You equip the DRESS FOR SUCCESS.

10/04/17
"Minna: Examine device."

This is your SYLLADROBE. It's a simple machine - you insert a card containing an outfit, then press the corresponding button to instantly switch to that outfit. This would probably be more handy if you didn't already have infinite storage, but it's quicker than pulling clothes out of another dimension.

10/04/17
"==>"

You gently place the bunny in the box.

10/04/17
"==>"

10/04/17
"==>"

10/04/17
"Minna: Bunny. Box. Make it happen."

10/04/17
"Minna: Find a box to put that bunny in."

You withdraw an EMPTY BOX from your SINGULARITY MODUS.

This prototype modus developed by SKAIACORP takes all captchalogued items and compresses them into an EXTRADIMENSIONAL SPACE. While this does allow for INFINITE STORAGE, you can only withdraw a card if you remember that you've put it in there in the first place. Additionally, there are reports of it growing UNSTABLE if one captchalogues too many items of significant MASS. You've already got one INCREDIBLY LARGE item in there, and you're not too keen to find out what happens if it overloads.

10/04/17
"Minna: Retrieve arms."

You cannot retrieve your FIREARMS, because they are locked in this box!

You locked your guns in this long ago, and have since lost the SPIROGRAPH KEY required to open it. Though you're still not sure whether or not that's a bad thing.

10/04/17
"Minna: Pat your rabbit."

MITTENS isn't really fond of patting, but you're okay with that. He's a good bunny anyway.



Except when he chews through your laptop cable.

28/03/17
"Examine room."

Your name is MINNA ASTERI. You have just woken up from one of your jaunts to the land of PROSPIT, a golden city that exists outside of the known world. It is there that you often find yourself gazing into the PROPHETIC CLOUDS of SKAIA, which grant you temporary visions of events both future and past. Unfortunately for you, many of these visions contain the UNTIMELY DEMISE of both you and all your friends.

You are a rather adept HACKER, and while your primary focus is VIDEO GAMES, you also have a tendency to hack into the servers of SKAIACORP, a company that happens to be founded by your MOTHER. She has yet to find out that you're the one behind all her troubles. It's doubtful she ever will.
You have quite an interest in the concept of MAGICAL GIRLS, and also MAGIC in general. Before your DREAMSELF awoke you spent many nights dreaming of wielding AWESOME POWER, FIGHTING EVIL, and SAVING THE WORLD, all while looking INCREDIBLY CUTE. You also know that none of this will ever actually happen to you.
You're also fairly intrigued by ANTHROPOMORPHIC CHARACTERS, particularly those of the LEPORIDAE PERSUASION. But while these characters do interest you, you are quite sure that you are absolutely NOT A FURRY.

It is currently ONE AM. What will you do?

28/03/17
"Try again."

That's more like it.

28/03/17
"Enter name."

This young lady has quite the large day ahead of her, and would greatly appreciate it if you would kindly not do that.

26/03/17
"==>"

A young lady stands on her bed. It suddenly occurs to you that this is NOT the next character you would've normally been chronologically. Have your desires actually had an impact on the direction of the story? You do not know yet. But one day you might.

Though she has only gotten around an hour of sleep, she is still prepared to face the day ahead. As one can already imagine, this is yet another character who has yet to receive the gift of a name. Despite this being a day of no consequence to most, she and possibly she alone fully understands its importance, and is willing to accept a name at this time.

So what are you waiting for?

26/03/17
"==>"

The character selection screen reaches out with its OTHERWORLDLY POWERS, calculating that the right character to pick is, clearly, the FOURTH one.

26/03/17
"==>"

Once again, you find yourself abruptly approached by a CHARACTER SELECTION SCREEN. But you're not going to fall for its games this time. You're well aware that this is not a flash page. It cannot hope to fool you again.
But as you go to hit the RANDOMIZE button, you see it is no longer there! It seems a NEW button has replaced it. You have no idea what this one does, but you press it regardless.

26/03/17
"ACT 2"

26/03/17
"END OF INTERMISSION 1"

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

φ: You're dead!!

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

φ: But that's enough talking about myself, really.
φ: I'm way more interested in hearing about YOU!
φ: The corvidae have always fascinated me! It would be so nice if you could tell me aaalll about them.
?: Oh, well... okay then!
?: I'm not really anyone special, myself.
?: I work as a maid for the princess of the New Kingdom.
?: Oh, I should probably tell you about the New Kingdom and the Old Kingdom, but then I'd have to get into the history of the entire species...
?: We originate from a world lacking a sun. Geothermic activity means it is still hot enough to support life, but there is no light other than that of the distant stars.
?: Well, that and our own bioluminescence!
?: Originally we had no way of tracking time, days, or any of that. But then a group of scientists developed a way to divine the time from a colossal map of the stars.
?: ...Sorry, I'm not the best at this type of thing. Am I doing okay so far?
φ: You're doing great!! Keep going!
?: Well, this group slowly grew, until they had founded a large kingdom. That's the Old Kingdom I mentioned.
?: But eventually another group began to grow in this kingdom!
?: It was a group of prophets, ones who began to claim that the end of the universe was drawing near.
?: As you can imagine, this upset a lot of people!
?: Disputes grew into conflicts, which eventually culminated in an all-out war.
?: And thus, the Old Kingdom was eventually brought to ruin.
φ: Wow!!
φ: Thank you so much. It was a bit silly of me to ask that of you immediately after we met, but you told me great things!
?: You're most welcome!
?: ...But, now that I think about it.
?: I don't... remember going to sleep?
?: How am I having this conversation with you?
φ: That's very simple!

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

?: So, uh...
?: Who are you?
φ: Ah! I haven't introduced myself.
φ: My name is Phi! I am a ghost.
?: A ghost?
φ: Precisely!
φ: These bubbles are a state of interim between the living and the dead.
φ: While it can be reached by the living through their dreams (hence the name), it is mainly a place for the fortunate who have passed on to remain in some form.
φ: I don't mind being dead, personally. It's actually very fortunate!
φ: Our species was wiped from reality long ago. The name of it has been forgotten to time, and only two of us remain.
φ: There are two of us, by the way! Get over here and say hi, Delta.
δ: hi.
φ: Good job.

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

φ: Whoops!
φ: You got me. Sorry about that!
?: ???
φ: Riiiight. I should probably explain.
φ: You see, where you are right now is known as a "dream bubble"!
φ: It's a space affected by the memories of those inside it.
φ: What you experienced was just a past memory of yours!
φ: With me playing the role of your partner in crime there.
φ: I just couldn't help myself! It was so interesting!

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

?: Right!
?: You wanted to know about the gold shipments, correct?
?: Truth be told, it feels a little bad to just betray the princess like this...
?: But my usual source of information's been a little stingy lately, and there are some things I'm just so curious about...
?: Trust me.
?: My info doesn't disappoint.
?: So what have you got for me?
?: Okay, so!
?: As you know, they're pulling all the valuables out of the Old Kingdom and transporting them to the New Kingdom. These shipments happen every fortnight.
?: Each shipment usually has around six guards, but it varies depending on the value of what they're carrying.
?: Your best bet is probably to ground them first, then attack from the air. There are a few rivers along their route you can use to waterlog them.
?: But, here's the special info I promised you.
?: The next shipment is special. Only a select few know of it, but they finally unearthed the old crown jewels.
?: It'll be pretty heavily guarded, but it's essentially the jackpot.
?: You can play it safe and go for one of the other shipments, but if you really want to annoy the Queen, that's the best way to do it.
?: You bet I do. Good to know.
?: I ain't one to go back on my word. You did good gettin' me that information. What do you want in return?
?: Well...
?: I want to know about the alien!
?: The what.
?: You know, the one you told me about before!
?: I'm sure you mentioned it in... this conversation...
?: ....Hold on a moment. Have we... had this conversation before?

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

?: Hey there. You're lookin' a little lost.
?: Oh, there you are!
?: You actually came.
?: Incredible.
?: Well, you did ask me to!
?: Yeah, but askin' someone to travel to the depths is a big request.
?: Pretty dangerous down here. Never know what's gonna burst outta the ground.
?: It ain't unreasonable to be surprised you followed through.
?: You're here too, aren't you?
?: Fair point.
?: So. You have information, I have information.
?: Let's trade, shall we?

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

?: Hmm...
?: Gosh, it's extremely dark this far down. Even darker than normal.
?: Hope this is the right place. I can barely see where I'm going...

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

φ: Well, my knowledge on them is faaaairly limited.
φ: Which is why it'll be so great to talk to one in person!
φ: Besiiides, you know we're the only two members of our species left.. well. Not alive, I guess. But existing!
φ: So we've gotta stick together! And that means you have to sit through alllll the expositional tirades that may occur.
δ: ugh.
φ: No time for ughs now, Delta! Look!

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

φ: Becaaaause! It will be an EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE.
φ: The corvidae are an extremely interesting race, you know!
φ: They originate from a world with no sun, in a universe that was doomed to be erased before it was even conceived.
φ: And yet, they still persevered! They built an intricate and diverse culture and community, even extending their civilisation to the satellite that orbited them.
φ: Oh, and they have such FASCINATING reproduction methods! Why-
δ: okay no stop right there.
δ: please stop there.

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

δ: remind me why we're wandering through an empty bubble.
φ: I already told you why!
φ: I'm positive this bubble is the one that will house the new ghosts I'm looking for.
φ: Finding this place wasn't easy. Did you know this will be the FIRST corvid ghost to ever appear?
δ: yes. because you told me. many times.
δ: i know why you're here.
δ: but why did you make me come with you.

26/03/17
"[I] -->"

26/03/17
"INTERMISSION 1"

22/03/17
"END OF ACT 1"

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"Dolci: Flip."

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

You have absolutely no idea what to do.

22/03/17
"==>"

What if you... no, wait, that won't work... maybe if you.. no, that's worse...

22/03/17
"==>"

Hmm...

22/03/17
"==>"

It's time for some HARDCORE CHESS.

22/03/17
"==>"

NA: u ok there bud
AD: never better.
NA: good to know cause youve got like a minute left and i actually have No idea what youre supposed to do with that thing
NA: its pretty obviously a chessboard which was actually a little predictable but thats more your area of expertise than mine
NA: so uh
NA: good luck have fun dont die

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

AD: hey, it's not like... dangerous to stand on this or anything, is it?
NA: heck if i know my dude

22/03/17
"==>"

This keeps happening for a while.

22/03/17
"Pants: COMBAT OPERANDI -> LV. 22 INFINIPOUNCE."

22/03/17
"Pants: Engage PURROMANCY."

You become one with your ancient, ancestral magic, utilizing your ULTIMATE ABILITY to rapidly boost all of your stats to ridiculous degrees.

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

Oh. PANTS, the OMNICROW, and the KERNELSPRITE are all nowhere to be seen. You wonder where they could've gone?

22/03/17
"Dolci: Run straight at the crow, cruxite in hand!"

EVERYBODY LOOK OUT YOU'VE GOT A DOWEL AND YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE IT-

22/03/17
"==>"

22/03/17
"==>"

AD: oh god
NA: lemme guess
NA: youre facing an imminent and firey demise
AD: that's extremely accurate yes
NA: okay try not to panic too much
NA: i mean
NA: you can panic a lil i guess its only natural
NA: sometimes you just gotta Freak The Fuck Out
NA: but still you need to focus right now and get this stuff done
AD: what do you mean
AD: are you saying i'm supposed to play a videogame in order to not die???
AD: because that's a tad ridiculous???
NA: actually thats p much exactly what im saying yeah
NA: iirc the meteors part of the game and youve just gotta complete this next bit to succeed in not dying
AD: oh. huh.
AD: that timer just got a whole lot deadlier.
NA: it sure did

01/03/17
"==>"

Your knowledge of astronomy is pretty limited, but you suddenly feel like the reality of the supposed apocalypse just got a lot more corporeal.

This is a troubling development.

01/03/17
"==>"

01/03/17
"Dolci: Look outside."

You see something faintly glimmering in the sky that wasn't there before. Strange.

...Wait, could that be...

01/03/17
"Dolci: Answer friend."

AD: i'm here.
NA: okay good finally
NA: now i dont wanna take up too much of your time
NA: especially since youre super busy with your battle against Bird Jesus over there
NA: but were still Kinda on the clock here
NA: just a reminder
NA: so at some point you gotta grab that cruxite and take it over to the alchemiter
AD: is that the platformy thing?
NA: thats the platformy thing
AD: okay, good to know.
NA: oh but before you do that
NA: can you real quick just check something for me
AD: ?
NA: look outside
NA: specifically at the sky
AD: uh, okay.

01/03/17
"==>"

NA: hey
NA: hey you
NA: pay attention

01/03/17
"==>"

The Omnicrow uses its BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> DIVIDE AND CONQUER to separate you from Pants.

You also fall on your face like an idiot.

01/03/17
"==>"

Absolutely nothing happens because they're just ordinary dice.

01/03/17
"==>"

You roll a SEVEN.

01/03/17
"Dolci: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> RUNNING NUMBERS."

Having been disarmed, you decide to give DICEKIND a try.

01/03/17
"Dolci: COMBAT OPERANDI -> LV. 3 LIBERTY TOSS."

You toss the W. KNIGHT'S SHIELD at it, in a style reminiscent of some famous American captain.

You have no idea why you didn't expect this outcome.

01/03/17
"==>"

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

01/03/17
"==>"

It then gets ready to counterattack, preparing its COMBAT OPERANDI -> LV. 66 FELL SWOOP.

01/03/17
"==>"

The Omnicrow's FIRST GUARDIAN INVULNERABILITY is far superior to your lousy ATTACKTION stat, so you harmlessly bounce off them.

01/03/17
"Pants: COMBAT OPERANDI -> LV. 6 ENEMYPOUNCE."

You leap into the air, prepared to deal a nasty strike to this vicious foe!

27/02/17
"[S?????] STRIFE!!!!!"

Your hopes are raised for but the briefest of moments, dreaming that you could catch a glimpse of an actual FLASH PAGE in this comic. Perhaps some form of INTERACTIVE BATTLE, or even an ENTRY MOVIE, but instead you're just treated to yet another SHODDY .GIF, as it seems that FLASH is way beyond the capabilities of the author.

You take a minute to close your eyes and imagine what could have been. An epic showdown between bird and cat, between god and mammal, between devil and angel, presumably set to some amazing MUSIC. You find yourself navigating to the Homestuck bandcamp, searching for that perfect song... Ah! There it is. You have no doubts in your mind that if this was a flash page, this song would be playing. Alas, this remains but a dream.

27/02/17
"==>"

PANTS arrives, ready for the imminent BOSS BATTLE. You guess it's time you got serious.

27/02/17
"Dolci: Whistle at the bird."

Having run out of alternatives, you resort to the age-old tradition of WHISTLING. Surely this will seduce the godbird into not fucking everything up horribly, right?

27/02/17
"==>"

27/02/17
"Dolci: Throw CRUXITE DOWEL into kernelsprite."

You would, but the DOWEL appears to be missing! You have no clue where it could've gone.

27/02/17
"Dolci: Shoo the bird away."

You equip your TRUSTY SHIELD and attempt to shoo the bird away. It seems thoroughly unperturbed.

27/02/17
"Dolci: Quick, throw that painting in before the bird gets prototyped!"

As you go to do that, the TANK PAINTING is whisked away to the far depths of space. Looks like that plan won't work.

26/02/17
"==>"

26/02/17
"Dolci: Investigate weird new machine."

You investigate the ALCHEMITER by standing on it.

This, predictably, accomplishes nothing.

26/02/17
"==>"


NA: oh boy this ones gonna be a tight fit
AD: what is THAT.

26/02/17
"Dolci: Captchalogue your most prized possession."

Huh? Well, that would be PANTS, but you could never do that to her. Especially not if the point is to use her to "prototype" this sprite thing. You are quite sure that Pants is definitely never going to end up in the kernelsprite. Absolutely positive.

26/02/17
"Dolci: Realize it's way past your bedtime!"

It suddenly occurs to you how late it is. What a ridiculous time to be up! Surely by now you should be asleep and who are you kidding you're gonna be awake for hours. You're not sure what a SLEEP SCHEDULE is, but you certainly don't have one.

25/02/17
"==>"


AD: so hey, i'm noticing that we're getting pretty close to midnight here.
AD: and it kind of feels like we haven't really accomplished a lot yet?
AD: sure, i've got the dowel thing, and there's the flashy sprite hovering around.
AD: but shouldn't there be, like.. things? happening?
NA: yeah so actually
NA: turns out i forgot to deploy some stuff
NA: Oops
NA: lemme get on that real quick brb

25/02/17
"Quick, go back to being Dolci!"

Relax, you've still got some time left.

Alita stops being Pants just in time for Dolci to stop being Alita.

25/02/17
"Pants: Check quest log."

You know what you must do.

25/02/17
"==>"

You wake up, your QUEST completed. Now you can see what the next one is.

25/02/17
"Pants: Fly!"

While FLYING is definitely not out of the question here in the WORLD OF IMAGINATION, as you attempt to do so, your supply of CUTEGOODNESS runs out!

25/02/17
"==>"

25/02/17
"==>"

25/02/17
"==>"

25/02/17
"Pants: Look outside."

You stick your head out for a look around.

25/02/17
"Pants: Jump up onto the window ledge."

You go ahead and do that.

24/02/17
"==>"

You guess she's a pretty nice person, actually.

24/02/17
"pat."

24/02/17
"==>"

24/02/17
"==>"

24/02/17
"==>"

24/02/17
"==>"

24/02/17
"Pants: Hiss for no reason in particular."

You hiss at her. Who does this stranger think she is, coming into Dolci's room uninvited? So rude.

24/02/17
"==>"

A young KNIGHT gives you a friendly greeting, welcoming you to the KINGDOM OF LIGHT.

23/02/17
"==>"

You are now Dream Pants.

23/02/17
"Pants: Dream."

23/02/17
"==>"

You go to sleep.

23/02/17
"Pants: Look for a nice laundry basket to chillax in."

There aren't any convenient baskets nearby. Not that you'd need one, as you have your VELVET PILLOW handy.

Last time you slept on this thing, you managed to wake up in an IMAGINARY WORLD. But you couldn't stay long, as your CUTEGOODNESS wasn't a high enough level to maintain concentration. Hopefully with the recent LEVELING UP you've done, you'll be able to return there.

23/02/17
"==>"

Undeterred by the shenanigans of your owner, you make it into the LAUNDRY.

23/02/17
"==>"


AD: so, what the heck is this flashy thing.
NA: its a kernelsprite
NA: apparently youve gotta prototype it with something
NA: possibly even twice
NA: the guide says its necessary to do at least once but also to not bother with it just yet
NA: so id say leave it alone for now and figure it out later
AD: gotcha.

23/02/17
"==>"

23/02/17
"==>"

NA: oh and you may wanna stand back

23/02/17
"==>"

AD: okay, i'm at the big tubey thingy.
AD: what do i do.
NA: yknow what thats actually a Really good question
NA: ive been reading a guide but its confusing as all fuck
NA: its like Hey you should Not Interact With This
NA: but interacting with it is also the first step?
NA: and then a thingy comes out of it and you should Not Do Anything With That
NA: but also you Absolutely Have To Do Something With That
NA: and god this is probably the least comprehensive thing ive ever read
NA: screw it im just gonna open this thing

23/02/17
"Pants: Make your way to the laundry post-haste."

You leave the kitchen.

23/02/17
"Pants: Exposit on unknown room."

NA: thats weird
AD: ?
NA: i cant see into this room
AD: huh. which one?
NA: the one next to your kitchen
AD: oh. that.
AD: that's my parent's study.
AD: they hardly ever use it though, and always keep it locked.
AD: i've never actually been in there. maybe that's why?
NA: could be i dunno

22/02/17
"==>"

Sure enough, your QUEST MARKER has shifted over to the HAVEN OF FABRIC CLEANSING.

22/02/17
"Pants: View quest log."

Ah, that explains it. Looks like you're not quite done with this QUEST after all.

You're getting pretty close to the end of the FIRST ACT. Wonder what that final quest is?

22/02/17
"Pants: Level up for the acquisition of foodstuffs."

Strangely enough, you don't level up from that, despite the fact that your QUEST MARKER clearly led you here. Maybe you're missing something?

22/02/17
"Pants: Fucking tear into that bowl of food."

OH HELL YES

21/02/17
"==>"


NA: dear God your house is an architectural disaster
NA: hey look your cats in the kitchen
NA: wonder what shes doin
NA: maybe shes sneaking in to steal some food while youre busy playing videogames
NA: maybe pants has been secretly sneaking around the whole time
NA: catspionage
AD: pants is not a thief, alli.
AD: she is an outstandingly pure individual and i will not hear another word of slander against her.
AD: besides, she's probably just going to eat some of the food i left her earlier.
NA: yeah good point

21/02/17
"Pants: Follow that trail!"

21/02/17
"Pants: Sniff the air to detect any nearby foodstuffs."

Your PREDATORY SENSES detect some FOODSTUFFS exist close by! An ETHEREAL SCENT TRAIL appears to guide you on your quest.

21/02/17
"==>"


AD: what was that
NA: oh right
NA: i put down the cruxtruder
AD: the what now.
NA: its a big tubey thingy
AD: oh, okay.

21/02/17
"==>"

This, on the other hand, you WILL fondly admire.

This picture was taken around FIVE YEARS AGO, and is the closest thing to a FAMILY PHOTO that exists anywhere in this household.

You take a moment to reflect on the past. Those were better days, you think. You were happy. Dolci was happy. Their parent actually cared about them. Good times.

21/02/17
"Pants: Fondly admire WAR."

You do the exact opposite, glaring at the DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE with no small level of disdain.

These pictures were put up by Dolci's PARENT long ago. You've seen Dolci tempted to tear them down before, but they've never actually gone through with it.

19/02/17
"==>"

You are now in the LIVING ROOM, yet another mostly barren area. You suppose the house is this empty because only ONE HUMAN actually lives here.

19/02/17
"==>"

Knowing full well the dangers of STAIRS, you descend with ease using your CAT-LIKE GRACE.

19/02/17
"Pants: Quickly descend stairs."

You scamper away from your beloved CARETAKER. Adventure awaits!

19/02/17
"==>"

But the ritual fails, as FLUTHLU is DEAD, and you lack the PANTRITUDE required to learn NECROMANCY.

That was probably a silly idea anyway.

19/02/17
"Pants: Summon Fluthlu."

You begin to meow out a FORBIDDEN AND UNHOLY INCANTATION, summoning forth the hideous HORRORBEAST known to the few chosen to learn its title as FLUTHLU from the abyssal depths of the FURTHEST RING.

17/02/17
"Pants: View map."

You pull up your MAP. Which, of course, is merely a fictional construct and not a physical map, as your PANTS do not have pockets. Which is a TRAGEDY.

You are currently on the SECOND FLOOR, in the BLANDESQUE CHAMBER OF ROOM CONNECTIVITY. Your QUEST MARKER is on the FIRST FLOOR, somewhere in the vicinity of the GLORIOUS PALACE OF FOODSTUFFS.

What will you do?

17/02/17
"Pants: Recap adventure so far."

During your LAST ADVENTURE, you accomplished a great many things. You defeated a vicious YARN SPHERE, slew a mighty KING, and observed the RAW POWER OF DESTRUCTION. You also ventured outside of your CARETAKER'S ROOM, as well as gave them a happy little FRIENDPOUNCE.

Not even considering the possibility that your quest could be somehow hindering the progression of some other story, or "main plot", you once again set out for adventure!

17/02/17
"==>"

In a completely unprecedented turn of events, selecting PANTS abruptly resumes PANTSQUEST.

17/02/17
"Alita: Select Pants."

You attempt to select PANTS.

17/02/17
"Alita: Press a button."

Having absolutely no idea what any of these buttons do, you hit the first one, which happens to be SELECT. It doesn't seem that there are many SELECTABLE OBJECTS in this hallway, though.

14/02/17
"==>"

What the fuck is this.

14/02/17
"Alita: Get this thing started already."

You proceed to have the exact same brief conversation you had about 35 pages ago.

14/02/17
"Alita: Give it a read."

Jeez this thing is lengthy. You're not in the mood to concentrate on a whole jumble of words right now. Maybe you'll look over it in more depth later.

For now, you should probably get started on this game already. You've wasted enough time.

14/02/17
"Alita: Answer not-bird friend."


-- destinedAmbitendency [DA] began pestering nullifiedAuspication [NA] at 17:43 --
DA: eyyy
NA: eyyyy
DA: eyyyyy
DA: what's poppin'
NA: oh yknow just the usual
NA: met some kinda
NA: god-bird thingy
NA: tried to befriend it but it wasnt overly receptive to my advances for some reason
DA: oh yeah, i think AN mentioned something 'bout that once
DA: it's the, uh. omnicrow?? apparently. i feel like she made up the name but that's just me
DA: the teleport-y space bird who may or may not also be god
DA: haven't seen it for myself yet, though
DA: which feels a little unfair? but i guess it makes sense that you two saw it
DA: since you're the bird person and she's
DA: ...something
DA: thought i had a point there but i guess i didn't
DA: w/e
DA: as strange as it may sound, the initial point of starting this convo wasn't to talk about birds
NA: thats a lie
NA: you Know every conversation is inevitably about birds
DA: ...true
DA: but regardless
DA: have you started playing yet??
NA: nah
NA: was waitin on dolc but i got bored so i started pointlessly wasting time
NA: as one does
DA: to be fair they're probably doing exactly the same thing
DA: actually at this point it'd be worth beeping 'em to see if they're still like. consciously on this plane of existence
NA: yeah good point
NA: lemme get on that
DA: oh, but first
DA: got some good news, and some bad news
DA: good news: after like five minutes of searching, found a mostly coherent walkthrough for the game
DA: parts of it are a lil weird but it sounds like you'll need to at least skim it 'cause APPARENTLY there's some tough stuff in this game
NA: do we even know what this games about
DA: nope!
DA: anyway bad news: it's on gamefaqs
NA: god
NA: people still Use that site?
NA: incredible
NA: fine ill give it a read
DA: sweet

14/02/17
"==>"

Before you can properly grieve the loss of a (potential) new friend, your attention is drawn by one of your human, not-bird friends.

14/02/17
"==>"

The OMNICROW skedaddles, taking the seed with it.

Bummer.

14/02/17
"==>"

Your whistling is so bad, if this thing had a face it'd probably be staring at you in a really judgmental way. Maybe it still is, and you just can't see it.

14/02/17
"Alita: Whistle at it."

You attempt to whistle a FRIENDLY TUNE, to show the godbird that you are a GOOD PERSON who would be a GOOD FRIEND.

14/02/17
"==>"

It doesn't notice you. Seem the BIRDSEED has taken up most of its attention.

14/02/17
"Alita: Say hello to the bird."

You give it a little wave.

02/02/17
"==>"

A wild OMNICROW appears!

What will you do?

02/02/17
"==>"

Go! Birdseed!

02/02/17
"Alita: Befriend that bird!"

You open up your POKÉDEX- er, you mean, SYLLADEX. You got this FETCH MODUS in a pack of TRADING CARDS you bought on a whim once, which have long since been LOST. Whenever you CAPTCHA something with this, it is put into your PARTY. However, if you are carrying more than six cards, it is instead sent to your BANK. It's a little annoying, but it's all you've got to work with.

Your SYLLADEX contains some EARBUDS, a NEW 3DS XL, a CASE WITH (6) VIDEOGAMES, and a HANDFUL OF BIRDSEED.

As your window has no GLASS, birds often fly in accidentally, so you've learned to always keep some seeds handy. However, this time, you're gonna use them to lure one in.

02/02/17
"==>"

You look outside. You don't really have the best VIEW, but that's never really bothered you before.
You take a moment to wonder why it's so DARK already. Perhaps it's a sign of the impending doom? A dark reflection of how all are condemned to the same fate? A bad storm? The possibilities are endless.

...Oh, hey look, a bird!

14/11/16
"Alita: Look out the window."

You go to the WINDOW. Strangely enough, there's no actual GLASS in it, nor can the FRAME be moved in any way. You're not sure who designed this, but it's bugged you for a long time.

14/11/16
"==>"

You loved this movie as a kid. The concept of a BIRD-THEMED APOCALYPSE was, you thought, the BEST POSSIBLE THING that could ever be brought to film. Now, on the other hand, you realize that this is, through and through, an ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE PIECE OF MEDIA.

And yet, there the poster still hangs, its CONSTANT PRESENCE a reminder of your past sins. You tell yourself that you only leave it up because you don't want to touch it, but perhaps you simply can't bring yourself to take it down.

14/11/16
"Alita: Question your Birdemic poster."

Suddenly, you break out of your temporary lapse in concentration as your eyes glance over your BIRDEMIC poster.

Oh boy. You, uh. You don't really have an excuse for this one.

08/10/16
"==>"

You waste a little time standing still, contemplating just how silly kissing a poster was. It's a good thing you don't waste too much, though. Yes, you're very glad that it is indeed still the 9th of May, and you haven't wasted some ridiculous amount of time doing absolutely nothing. In fact, you're probably going to start doing things again right aboooouuut.... now.

13/06/16
"==>"

It occurs to you a little late that kissing posters is very silly.

13/06/16
"==>"

There we go. You give HERMIONE GRANGER a good old smooch because you are REALLY GAY.

13/06/16
"Alita: Kiss Harry Potter poster."

This, clearly, is a MUCH better use of your time.
In your youth, you found yourself attracted to RON's ridiculously absurd face. Now you know better than that.


...Hang on, this other poster is in the way. Sorry, FLYING MONSTERS, you won't be relevant until act 5.

13/06/16
"==>"

This hefty tome contains a mere whisper of knowledge on the ever indescribable 48 ELDER GODS that comprise the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, the omnipotent, omniscient rulers of the LESSER GODS that dwell within the darkest depths of the FURTHEST RING. As gaining any information on such beings is IMPOSSIBLE, it's implied heavily in the book that the knowledge contained within is simply what they themselves will allow mortals to know.

You have no recollection of ever OBTAINING or RECEIVING this book, but you've had it for quite some time regardless. You remember that you did not always have it, but you do not remember not having it. It's generally best NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
You're going to leave it alone for now. Whenever you try to read it an unprecedented amount of TIME usually passes, and yet you feel none the wiser upon tearing yourself away.

13/06/16
"Alita: Examine book on floor."

Oh, you forgot you left that there. Good thing it's still present. It's probably a VERY BAD IDEA to ever lose track of this thing.

13/06/16
"Alita: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com"

You take a moment to witness two authors of comics that are not this one duke it out in a STRIFE of such wonder and amazement that it will surely be forever remembered as one of the most pivotal moments in all of known history, despite the fact that it's apparently mostly just a bunch of yelling.
If you're reading this on MSPFA you'll recognize that this is panel 88, and therefore another act 8 joke was practically obligatory. If you're not, then that's what the reference.

13/06/16
"Alita: Check computer to see if your friend is back."

You do that, giving us a nice look at your DESKTOP. Dolci is nowhere to be seen, naturally. What do you think this is, five minutes in the future?

07/06/16
"Examine room."

Your name is ALITA. As was previously mentioned, you are soon going to engage in a VIDEO GAME with one of your FRIENDS. But right now the only thing you're doing is KILLING TIME waiting for them, which isn't something that lists very high on your INTERESTS. On the subject of INTERESTS, you do happen to have a few despite the general EMPTINESS of your room. You have a fascination with ANIMALS, and while BIRDS are clearly the obvious favorite your passion extends to all fauna, both REAL AND OTHERWISE. You also tend to like VERY MAINSTREAM THINGS for the most part, though sometimes you have trouble telling if you actually ENJOY said things or if you just like them to try to connect with people. This doesn't often work out as you are VERY SOCIALLY AWKWARD, leading to most of your conversations with the few friends you have being rather SHORT. On top of your interest in animals, you also have a mild interest in the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND OTHERWORLDLY, though it pales in comparison to that of a certain FRIEND of yours we haven't been introduced to yet.

It is currently 5:40 PM. What will you do?

07/06/16
"One more time."

That one'll do the trick.

07/06/16
"Try again."

You are bombarded with shitty names. Dear god why.

07/06/16
"Enter name."

Dammit. You were hoping that maybe, just maybe, we had moved on entirely from the shitty joke name gag. You were perfectly content simply receiving a regular name, presumably one fitting some unknown number pattern with no significant relevance whatsoever, and moving on. You're not sure beaks even HAVE a stench, anyway. And whoever put it in didn't even spell it right? This whole situation is so shitty. At least you should be getting a normal, perfectly acceptable name now.

06/06/16
"==>"

A young lady stands in her bedroom. She's sort of wondering why we're still doing the BORING STEREOTYPICAL INTROS. Is it because of tradition? Some desire to adhere to what the original concept once was? In a way, perhaps NONE OF US will ever know.

As she was currently about to begin a certain video game with a certain young teenager and that would've been no time for an introduction, we are viewing her from approximately FIVE MINUTES IN THE PAST. It seems certain already that there will no doubt be many a SHENANIGAN involving TIME with this young lady. This young lady named...

Named...

...She thinks it's a little weird that NAMES are only being given now, on a completely arbitrary date, instead of on some important occasion like a BIRTHDAY or something. But it most likely doesn't matter. So, what's her name?

06/06/16
"Return to PANTSQUEST."

Just as you're switching back to PANTS, the CHARACTER RANDOMIZER pops up! Seems as though it's been RANDOMIZING this whole time unbeknownst to you, and has only just now reached a conclusion. You guess the whole PANTSQUEST thing may have been a way to pass the time or even just a SHITTY RUSE, which makes sense given that Pants was never in the randomizer in the first place.

Isn't this the next character you would've been chronologically anyway? You wonder for a moment if the RANDOMIZER did anything at all to change the story, or if it was naturally headed this way the entire time. Guess there's just no changing FATE.

06/06/16
"Dolci: Press [ENTER]."

You proceed to spend around a minute or so transfixed by a flashy loading screen everyone's almost undoubtedly seen before.

06/06/16
"Videogame: Happen."

BAM. Video game.

06/06/16
"==>"

Waaait for it.....

06/06/16
"==>"

Wait for it...

06/06/16
"Dolci: Make it happen."

Wait for it.

05/06/16
"Dolci: Answer your friend."

NA: ok i cant wait any longer where in the fuck
NA: i dunno what youre up to right now but were Kinda on the clock here
NA: just a lil
NA: and youve been gone for like
NA: at Least half an hour
NA: so yknow
NA: you can go ahead and respond any time you like
AD: WHOOPS
AD: i may have ever so slightly forgotten this was a thing.
NA: god
NA: Fucking
NA: ok but youre actually Here now right
NA: and youre not gonna get distracted doing who knows what again
NA: Right
AD: well...
NA: well
AD: i don't know? happy fun cat adventures was looking like it would be pretty fun.
AD: but, through the miracle of modern engineering and portable computers, it's possible i'll be able to both venture outside of my room AND play video games.
AD: the world we live in today is truly one of wonder.
NA: happy fun cat adventures
NA: ok sure not gonna ask
NA: just
NA: run the client and ill try to connect to you i guess
NA: and then well Videogame
NA: gonna make this Happen
AD: sounds like a plan.

05/06/16
"Go back to being Dolci."

PANTSQUEST is paused as we return to the perspective of Dolci.
You are currently lying on the floor, having been the victim of an unexpected FRIENDPOUNCE. Strangely, it feels as if you've been lying here with this same vacant expression for some time. Oh well. More important things to worry about.

05/06/16
"Nadir: Resume the timeline, but do it really condescendingly."

the LORD of DOOM, in all his BENEVOLENCE, graciously grants you the FREEDOM to continue the story.
∞h, shut up.

05/06/16
"?????: Give more exposition on the muse and yourself."

you think it'll be THAT easy? heh.
if you really want some information, i suppose i can be GENEROUS enough to give you the BASICS.

i am NADIR. she is ZENITH. she gives LIFE, and i CONDEMN it.


naturally, it's more COMPLICATED than that. but you haven't earned the RIGHT to know such things.
maybe if i'm in a good mood later, we'll see.

04/06/16
"-?-"

well, i've said what i had to SAY. who knows, perhaps this timeline will prove INTERESTING.
i'll let it RESUME now, assuming there are any READERS left who care enough to continue.

04/06/16
"-?-"

i have n∞thing t∞ say t∞ y∞u.
heheheh, of COURSE you don't.

04/06/16
"-?-"

this story is one of those, isn't it? an epic tale of a FUTILE struggle?

...
that was a QUESTION. i know you can hear me, MUSE. and i know this STORY is yours.

04/06/16
"-?-"

other times, they are OBLIVIOUS, and will only discover the TRUTH after they have already FAILED.

but, my favorite? the ones where they find out their FATE, and attempt to defy it.

04/06/16
"-?-"

sometimes, they KNOW. they can sense it, from the moment they are born, that everything they will ever know is DOOMED.

04/06/16
"-?-"

a lord of TIME has the power to shape all that is to his whim. but none can escape DOOM.




the BEST part though, that's the AFTERMATH. as i already stated, the offshoots are infinite.
a million to the power of a million doomed timelines, that were never meant to EXIST in the first place.
and i see them ALL.

04/06/16
"-?-"

i wonder if it was DELIBERATE? surely the lord of time must have known.
what happens when you mess with spacetime. when you SCRATCH, and when you SHATTER.
perhaps it was part of his PLAN. to become responsible for EVERYTHING.
even in stories where he has no reach.

well, i suppose it doesn't MATTER, does it? after all...
even he, the most POWERFUL being reality itself has ever known, had the same fate as all those he DOMINATED.

04/06/16
"?????"

heheh.

it's INCREDIBLE, isn't it?
the amount of offshoots is, theoretically, INFINITE.

but then again, i guess LORDS are as powerful as they come.

04/06/16
"==>"

You made sure not to HURT them, naturally. You'd never do that! Friendpounces are about fun and joy.
It looks like one of their human acquaintances is trying to contact them. Maybe you should get off them for now.

04/06/16
"==>"

POUNCE!!!

04/06/16
"Pants: Hop on owner."

You prepare to strike. FRIENDPOUNCING is something you engage in with your guardian often, and most of the time you do it with nearly zero prior warning. It's more fun that way!

04/06/16
"Pants: View stats."

You are currently at rung SIX of your ECHELADDER.
Your TRUSTING is at 5, your FAITHFULNESS is at a lousy 3, your ATTACKTION is at 7, your CUTEGOODNESS is at a healthy 12, your PANTRITUDE is at a whopping 18, your SPECIALIZATION is at 9, your DEFENSIVITY is at 8, your INTELLECTUALISM is at a pathetic 4 (you are, after all, a cat), and your bonus stat, FLOOFINESS, is at an unimaginable 19. You also have 2,422 BOONDOLLARS.

It sure is a good thing you read through all that to know all the pointless extended names of the stats that don't matter.

01/06/16
"Pants: Examine guardian."

This is your CARETAKER, DOLCI. They've stuck by you for as long as you can remember, and your affection for them is one that can only truly be understood by those with plentiful experience in the deep, trusting bond between a pet and owner.

When questing, they are also your COMPANION, helping you with things your TINY BODY cannot accomplish and assisting you in BATTLE as a PALADIN. You know that really, they're actually a SYLPH, but you think that paladin is a cooler title. You're sure they wouldn't MIND you calling them that, if they could even understand your speech.

01/06/16
"START"

Your name is PANTS. You are a CAT, and you have lived in this house for around FIVE YEARS, along with your GUARDIAN and their PARENT, though the latter is hardly ever around for whatever reason. You think they're not in the house at the moment either, but you're not sure because you've spent most of the day in your guardian's room BEING ADORABLE.

You are an avid fan of BATTING YARN, CHASING THINGS, and occasionally, a good game of CHESS. Your favorite pieces are the KINGS, you think. There's something about chewing them that is incredibly satisfying. Sometimes you will also QUEST, as you are now. These QUESTS are wonderful adventures, setting out to explore and find magnificent TREASURE! This treasure is usually FOOD. But, if you ever venture OUTSIDE, you have to be wary of the NEIGHBOR CAT, who will stop at nothing to steal the treasure from you. There's also your ARCH-NEMESIS to worry about. They have tormented you for as long as you can remember, and you're often found STRIFING eachother. If they decide to show their face today, you're gonna give them a BOSS BATTLE the likes of which have likely never been seen.

Right now, you are in a VERY BLAND HALLWAY. But, the adventure has only just begun! What will you do?

01/06/16
"Pants: Begin PANTSQUEST."

PANTSQUEST!!

30/05/16
"==>"

You are now PANTS. You can resume exploration of DOLCI's house, but from the perspective of an adorable cat.

This is, without a doubt, the best possible result and nobody will ever be upset with this.

30/05/16
"Randomize."

The CHARACTER RANDOMIZER springs into action, flashing all four symbols in rapid succession as it determines the fate of the story. You allow yourself to build up a small amount of EXCITEMENT once again. Truly, with definitive random results, ANYTHING is possible! What character will be chosen? What exciting escapades will they endeavor upon? You can't wait.

It picks... IT PICKS....

30/05/16
"==>"

...When you're interrupted by a sudden CHARACTER SELECTION SCREEN!

Holy shit. You can't believe your eyes. A measly fifty-four pages into this comic, and you're already being gifted the freedom of choice? Sure, one of the four options is still locked, but that's still WAY too many options to logically have right now. Look at that NEW CHARACTER, in the fancy bird shirt and hoodie! And that other character that got teased before, now in a spiffy set of pajamas! Of course, as they have yet to be introduced, you cannot see their SURROUNDINGS. That's how this works, obviously. This is also why you couldn't see anything else during the aforementioned character tease. You are infinitely relieved this mystery finally got solved.

...Wait. Something's not right here. It dawns on you that since this is clearly not a flash page, you actually cannot choose ANY of the options. Your hopes of freedom of choice begin to wither away as you understand that you're still fully bound by the direction of the narrative, and it's likely neither of these characters will be introduced for pages and pages and you'll just be sent back to Dolci or something. Heck, maybe it'll have a goddamn intermission. Those fucking intermissions. You hope this comic never has any at all, ever.

Or, you could hit that RANDOMIZE button conveniently located in the top-right.

30/05/16
"==>"

You will, however, exit. We haven't seen the rest of your house yet!
That door looks ridiculous from this angle. If only the hinges were on the other side, or it opened outwards instead of inwards, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

You exit the room.....

30/05/16
"Dolci: Exit room and attempt to call the government for help or something."

Huh? You GUESS that's an idea, but you're not really sure how it'd help. Actually, you don't think they'd even believe you. "Hey, my friend told me the apocalypse is happening you gotta trust me on this dude."
Besides, if the apocalypse IS happening, the government probably already knows. It'd probably be pretty easy to confirm it by going to BASICALLY ANY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM, too. But... you kinda don't want to. Pretending you're not going to die a horrible death feels better for the time being.

30/05/16
"Dolci: Stop wasting time with all these shenanigans! There's danger!"

Alright, that's enough distractions. It's time to get down to BUSINESS.
(Also, the show ended.)

28/05/16
"==>"

Holy shit explosions.

28/05/16
"==>"

You settle in with Pants, and waste a lot of time watching things go boom together.

28/05/16
"Dolci: Check to see if anything's on."

Hey look, MYTHBUSTERS!

You wouldn't call yourself a "fan" of the show in the way people are typically fans of things, but SCIENCE and EXPLOSIONS are often a good way to distract oneself. Plus, who doesn't love a good explosion or two? You're pretty sure there isn't a single person in the universe who would turn down an explosion.

28/05/16
"Dolci: Examine TV."

You imagine this thing has some incredibly detailed name, like an EMBEDDED SOUND-ACTUATED TELEVISION, but you just refer to it as a WALL TV. It has no remote, but instead responds to the sound of CLAPPING, which can get rather tedious at times. For the most part it's pretty useful though.

27/05/16
"Dolci: Examine MIDNIGHT SLEUTH poster."

Everyone was super excited when the next MS PAINT ADVENTURE was finally announced. At last, after so many years spent waiting, it was what everyone had dreamed of; a proper sequel to PROBLEM SLEUTH was coming.

If you'd actually read Problem Sleuth any time in the past five years, you'd know that virtually no effort was actually put into this poster, as it's just a shitty recolor of a panel from said comic. Thankfully, you remain blissfully unaware of this fact, and look forward to reading it when it begins soon.

27/05/16
"Dolci: Examine HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS poster."

This movie is utterly ridiculous. Why someone decided to make a horror movie out of a board game, you'll never truly understand. You do have to admit though, that DEMON HIPPO SKULL that popped up near the end was SHIT-YOUR-PANTS TERRIFYING. Hippo skulls are just... weird.

Not that you ACTUALLY shit your pants, though. That'd be disgusting.

27/05/16
"Dolci: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room."

This side isn't really as exciting as the other one.

27/05/16
"Dolci: Go pick up those chess pieces already."

You go pick up all the scattered pieces. In a stroke of GENIUS, you decide you should captchalogue the two sets into separate decks. However, in a stroke of IDIOCY, you grab the BLACK set in a WHITE card, and vice versa.

Wait, have we seen you from this perspective yet?

27/05/16
"==>"

You freak out, just a little.
Then you come to your senses. You try to remain LEVELHEADED at all times, to maintain that you are CALM AND COLLECTED and you MOST DEFINITELY HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. In any case, they were most likely just fucking with you like always. In fact, you're quite sure of it. Yes, you have thoroughly convinced yourself of this. It's a certainty. There's absolutely no other explanation. You are 100% confident in this theory. Probably.

...You need to distract yourself for a while.

27/05/16
"Dolci: Freak out."

You... You...

27/05/16
"Dolci: Answer DA."

-- destinedAmbitendency [DA] began pestering aimlessDirective [AD] at 22:55 --
DA: so hey have you heard about the apocalypse yet
AD: the what now.
DA: oh, you haven't
DA: that means i've actually gotta explain stuff now
DA: dang
DA: k so the joke was that there's a bunch of meteors and shit hitting the planet
DA: which would be REALLY COOL if it weren't for the bit where a lot of people are kinda. dying
DA: which is why it was kinda shitty of me to make a joke about in the first place but w/e
DA: it's all over bubblr anyway what are you even doing that doesn't involve constantly paying attention to social media
AD: wait, meteors?
AD: guess those weren't shooting stars i saw, then. that's um... not really neato at all.
DA: my best guess would be a solid and resound "nope"
DA: come to think of it i'm p sure i read something saying some were headed for your area
DA: i mean, my information is, historically, wildly inaccurate
DA: but if you've already seen some, then
DA: yeah that doesn't sound really good wow
AD: so, if i'm reading this all correctly...
AD: you're saying i'm going to die a horribly violent firey death?
DA: maybe? fuck dude i dunno
DA: generally i would hope that you don't die
DA: like, if i were you, dying would be pretty high on my 'things to avoid at all costs' list
DA: you aren't saying anything so i'm gonna go ahead and guess that i fucked up and made you freak out
DA: which really is why i should never be the one to have these types of conversations
DA: like 'hey buddy wanna talk about how you're probably going to die from the hellpocalypse' probably ain't the best way of wording things
DA: though if it were a hellpocalypse we'd all die i guess
DA: but that's beside the point
DA: which is
DA: i have, as is inevitable, thoroughly fucked up this conversation
DA: so i'll just, go now
DA: sorry
-- destinedAmbitendency [DA] ceased pestering aimlessDirective [AD] at 23:08 --

26/05/16
"Dolci: Answer NA."

-- nullifiedAuspication [NA] began pestering aimlessDirective [AD] at 22:48 --
NA: Hey so uh
NA: apparently AN went to sleep but she told me some important stuff to tell you
NA: because yknow
NA: thats what she does??
NA: .
NA: have you ever once in your entire life answered on time i swear to god
AD: oh, whoops.
AD: i was busy, with... very important stuff, yep.
NA: were you playing shitty games
AD: i was playing shitty games
NA: why are you like this
NA: ok Listen Up because apparently we have to get all this done before midnight
NA: your midnight i mean
NA: its like 11 there already isnt it timezones are weird
NA: anyway she sent me the game files before she went to sleep and said it was like Super Duper important that you start playing before midnight
NA: though i have absolutely no idea why
NA: so i figured id tell you this now since youve already wasted some of that time and something tells me youre gonna waste even more
AD: "wasting time" is a little harsh.
AD: i like to call it.. multitasking.
NA: multitasking only works if you actually do Multiple Tasks
AD: shh
NA: so yeah thats pretty much it though
NA: im getting a feeling youre already distracted again so ill send you your client and you can get back to me when youre actually focused
-- nullifiedAuspication [NA] sent aimlessDirective [AD] file "SBURB1.10_CLIENT.exe" --

26/05/16
"Dolci: Answer chums."

Whoops.

Obviously, you can answer both at the same time, but for narrative purposes, we'll be reading them one at a time so things don't get jumbled and messy.

26/05/16
"Dolci: Play an addicting game."

There's no better way to WASTE SOME TIME than with good old fashioned VIDEO GAMES. You go to DIEP.IO, one of many hot new popular games in the .IO line. At least, you're pretty sure this is the popular one.

You enter the highly ironic name of "swagmaster", the humor being in that you would NEVER use a name like that in seriousness. PESTERCHUM lights up while you're playing, but this game requires CONCENTRATION, so you just go ahead and ignore it for the time being.

You put in a good 20 minutes and even get to a pretty decent spot on the LEADERBOARD, but then you die due to lag. That's just how things happen sometimes, you guess.


...Okay you should really answer whoever's pestering you.

23/05/16
"Dolci: Go to mspaintadventures.com"

Despite the ENDING PSYCHEOUT a month ago, the next act started recently. Seems like things are going as well as they usually do.

23/05/16
"Dolci: Open browser."

You open up THEMIS. It's not a particularly user-friendly browser, but has a lot of hidden functions if you know where to look.

23/05/16
"Dolci: Return to computer."

Returning to your computer without a specific goal in mind allows us to see your DESKTOP. You like to keep it moderately organized, so the only programs there are your CHAT CLIENT and BROWSER. There's also a FOLDER THAT YOU WILL NEVER OPEN, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER, but which you also CAN'T BRING YOURSELF TO DELETE.

23/05/16
"==>"

The sea is empty. The sound of crashing waves rolls through the air, despite the surface seeming still, as if acting as a warning for the chaotic dishevelment that this fragile iteration of reality will inevitably experience. Far from the ocean as you are, the cacophony of cataclysm still washes over your mind like it was the water itself.

It is your fifteenth year of being alive, and as with all fourteen preceding it, something feels horribly, irreversibly out of place. The crushing dread that weighs on your mere existence is only a single facet of the desolate fate you've always sensed. As you stand there, beholding firey death rain from the heavens, somewhere in your mind you can already feel the truth; that nothing in this world that has occurred, is occurring, or will occur, can ever be defined as a success.
However, the rest of you just thinks that they're some pretty neato shooting stars.

"Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. You can make your world or break it merely by your own thinking." -Mike Myers

You're fairly certain Mike Myers said that. At least, it's probable.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long night.

23/05/16
"Dolci: Look out window."

You look out the window.

18/05/16
"Pants: Level up for slaying the white king."

PANTS takes a daring pounce onto the next rung of her ECHELADDER, scoring the title of UNUSUAL PUSSYCAT and earning 518 BOONDOLLARS.

Such a good kitty.

18/05/16
"==>"

At least she'll be able to see her friend in her dreams.

18/05/16
"Elsewhere..."

A young KNIGHT's smile quickly turns to a frown. It doesn't feel good lying to one's friends, after all.
She wishes what she said was true, and that things will go well. She wishes it more than anything else.

But she knows they won't.

17/05/16
"Dolci: Answer chum."

-- arbitraryNascency [AN] began pestering aimlessDirective [AD] at 22:25 --
AN: Hey.
AN: Heeey.
AN: Hey hey.
AN: Are you dead?
AN: You're totally dead aren't you.
AN: R.i.p. So young. Such a tragedy.
AD: i only took five minutes this time! is that how long it takes for me to be officially dead?
AN: Sometimes I can still hear their voice... Truly a tragic loss.
AD: c'mon, i was busy.
AN: Ooh? Busy with what?
AD: i'll have you know i was having a very heated chess battle against my cat
AN: Then did you finally do it? Did you finally beat the Iron Feline and take the title of champion?
AD: unfortunately, it is still impossible. i cannot hope to defeat pants. she is simply the best there is.
AN: Man. That cat's better than most of the world's top players. Are you sure she isn't cheating?
AD: i've gone over the rulebook a thousand times!
AD: well
AD: i would've had to, since i wrote it for my diamond chessboard matches.
AD: but still. there's nothing in there that excludes a feline anomaly from taking the king.
AN: I wonder whose fault that is.
AD: shh :s
AD: pants is wonderful and i want her to have nothing but joy
AN: Hey hey on the subject of chess! Have you tried playing using my gift yet?
AD: you mean the... uh. the chess cube?
AN: Chessboard^3.
AD: close enough
AD: i've tried, but i can't wrap my head around the damn thing.
AD: it clearly requires at least a hundred pieces to play properly, and it looks like all six sides would be used, which is kind of impossible?
AN: Yeah that does sound silly.
AN: But have faith! I'm sure you'll work out how to utilise it to its maximum efficiency.
AN: And then you'll take the world by storm.
AN: The world famous chess player Dolci: Renowned for mastery of... the THIRD DIMENSION!!
AD: isn't any form of chess played physically already 3D
AN: Sh.
AN: Wow I almost forgot what I actually wanted to talk about here.
AN: I've nearly got the 1.10 version ready. Actually if you'd stayed dead a little longer I might've completed it already!
AD: i wasn't dead i was
AD: whatever
AD: i still don't get why we're gonna use a "1.10" build when 2.0 SBURB releases like a week from now.
AD: is 1.10 even a thing??
AD: i don't think 1.10 is even a thing
AN: It's a thing now!
AN: And we're doing 1.10 because we'll get to experience it before the rest of the world duh.
AN: Also we'll get to do it for free which is a bonus.
AD: by "for free" you mean "illegally" but yeah sure
AN: Shhhhhh.
AN: Has NA told you how things are gonna work?
AD: not at all.
AN: Hm.
AN: Well.
AN: I'll be sending you the client version and her the server.
AN: And then...
AN: Things will go well probably.
AD: i am absolutely filled with confidence
AN: Good. C;
AN: Oh! Before I get back to working on this one more thing.
AN: Have you looked out the window recently?
AN: I heard there were shooting stars or something in your area. Could be neato.
AD: that does sound pretty neato.
AN: Neato burrito.
AN: Anyway I'll catch ya when I'm done with this.
AN: Later!

17/05/16
"Dolci: Retrieve laptop."

While Pants happily celebrates yet another victory, you go to-
Wait, you could've just used the computer this whole time. And from the looks of things, someone's been trying to contact you.

God dammit.

16/05/16
"==>"

Checkmate.

16/05/16
"==>"

Uh oh.

16/05/16
"==>"

16/05/16
"==>"

This is getting pretty tense. You're not sure you can keep this up for much longer.

16/05/16
"==>"

Oh fuck this cat is good. You'd better up the ante.

16/05/16
"==>"

The first move can often be the most crucial.

16/05/16
"==>"

You deploy the pieces onto the FLOORBOARD, using a unique arrangement you've learned to use throughout the years.

16/05/16
"Dolci: Challenge Pants to an EPIC CHESS BATTLE."

TO D-D-D-D-D-BATTLE.

16/05/16
"==>"

DAMMIT.

Alright, backup plan. It's time...

16/05/16
"Dolci: Hey, equip your dice too!"

You equip your DICE. You're not really sure of the functionality of DICEKIND, but you've used it for a while regardless. It would probably give you the winning edge in BOARD GAMES, if you ever had anyone to play with.

..Wait.

16/05/16
"Dolci: Equip W. KNIGHT'S SHIELD."

The W. KNIGHT'S SWORD&SHIELD was one of the BIRTHDAY GIFTS you received. You're not sure why you received both items, when you don't have a BLADEKIND specibi, and you're certainly no KNIGHT, but it's still a nice gift.

You equip the SHIELD, leaving the SWORD behind and switching to the WHITE deck in the process. Now all you need to do is...

16/05/16
"Dolci: Check if you have any messages on your NIFTY LAPTOP."

Unfortunately, you cannot! You currently only have access to your BLACK deck, which does not contain your LAPTOP.
What it does contain, however, is some PURPLE YARN, a CHESSBOARD^3, the W. KNIGHT'S SWORD&SHIELD, and a full set of CHESS PIECES.

If you want to use your LAPTOP, you'll need to switch back to the WHITE deck. But how?

14/05/16
"==>"

wheeeee- oof.

14/05/16
"Dolci: Jump on bed."

wheeeeeeeeeee

09/05/16
"Dolci: What are you waiting for?? Give the cat some pants!"

You equip PANTS with PANTS' PANTS. It's.. beautiful.
She doesn't really seem to mind. Such a good kitty.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Equip modus."

You equip the CHESS MODUS, which takes the sixteen CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your DECK and divides them into two sets of EIGHT. One set become WHITE, and the other becomes BLACK. You now have unlimited access to any of the eight cards in one deck, but after interacting with one must switch to the other. As always, WHITE goes first.

Your WHITE deck contains your old YAHTZEE MODUS, some DICE, an OBOE, a LAPTOP, and PANTS' PANTS.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Open briefcase."

It's... My God... IT'S...

A brand new FETCH MODUS!! Sweet.
You close the briefcase once more, so the author doesn't have to draw it open.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Bray like an ass and barf in the briefcase."

You... you're not going to do that. >:s

Even if you wanted to, the BRIEFCASE has something VERY IMPORTANT in it. A BIRTHDAY GIFT from your PARENT, who not only was rather late in delivering it, but also apparently couldn't find a suitable BOX to GIFT it in.
You suppose it's time you open it.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Examine JENGA poster."

Ah, JENGA. You think this might be one of Cage's finest films, if not THE finest.

"I close my eyes, and I scream. If my whole world is crashing down around me, then I am going to make the sound of the crashing. I want to scream until all my bones break." -Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage definitely says that in the movie.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Examine ROCK PAPER SCISSORS poster."

ROCK BEATS SCISSORS. SCISSORS BEATS PAPER. PAPER BEATS ROCK. TOGETHER THEY BEAT EVERYTHING.

This isn't really the type of movie you'd normally enjoy, but despite the thousands of critics, it somehow did amazingly well.
You're quite sure these are all real movies you've seen, and not just things pulled off google by the author.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Retrieve arms from previous panel."

You continue using your ARM to pet the cat. Naturally, both it and your OTHER ARM are firmly attached to your TORSO. and you can't imagine having it any other way.
The gag has been referenced, let's move on.

09/05/16
"Dolci: Examine Pants."

You examine Pants, who is still keeping herself occupied by slightly jiggling a ball of yarn. It's so cute you can't help but pet her. Good kitty.

09/05/16
"Examine room."

Your name is DOLCI. As was previously mentioned, it was recently your FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY. You have a selection of INTERESTS. You have a penchant for BOARD GAMES, STRATEGY GAMES, and mostly just GAMES in general, you GUESS. You're also fond of MOVIES, particularly ones PERTAINING TO YOUR INTERESTS, which, really, is a NO-BRAINER. You used to try your hand at WRITING, but grew DISINTERESTED after your attempts WEREN'T VERY GOOD. You also have a PET CAT named PANTS, who is BEING ADORABLE and playing with a BALL OF YARN.

It is currently TEN PM. What will you do?

09/05/16
"Enter name."

Through some miraculous stroke of luck, you manage to have your name inputted correctly without anyone messing around.

08/05/16
"START"

A young teen stands in their bedroom. It just so happens that just over one week ago, the 1st of May, 2016, was this young teen's birthday. Though it was fifteen years ago they were given life, it is only today they will be given a name!

What will the name of this young teen be?

28/03/17
"CONDEMNED"

This adventure starts off a little slow and generic, but I promise it'll get better.