TT: What the FUCK are you doing?
TT: There's, like, half an entire cake on the floor!
TT: Why are you licking the freaking icing off...a poster?
TT: And why is your drawer in front of your door? I'm pretty sure it doesn't open that way.
TT: ...You obviously aren't reading this.
"Rose: Zoom in on John."
It automatically connects to John! Just as A CERTAIN SOMEONE told you, it's a game that lets you manipulate the environment of whomever you're the server of.
John is currently doing...something in the corner of his room. The toolbar is covering him up. You can ZOOM IN using said toolbar to get a better look.
SBURB begins to install.
"Rose: Install the game."
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:45 --
TG: hey rose
TT: Hey Dave!
TT: What's...cloacalackin'? X3
TG: is john playing the game yet
TT: Yep! I'm now connecting to him. I just have to install it.
TG: ok sweet
TT: ...Cloacalackin' X3
TG: jesus christ
TT: C'mon dude! Where's your sense of humor?
TG: rose we all know jade is gonna nag us to hell and back if we don't get john to play this stupid game before his dad gets him
TG: i mean i don't really care
TG: but i'd rather not deal with her you know?
TG: oh yeah i have another question
TT: Sure! What is it?
TG: i had another weird dream
TG: can you decipher it
TT: Not now. I have to play the game with John now like you said!
TG: see ya
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:49 --
"Rose: Answer John."
EB: rose, hurry up!
TT: Okay, okay, I'm here!
TT: Hello?? 3:
TT: I'm connecting to you.
"Rose: Try to answer."
You retrieve your LAPTOP after writhing around with a piece of string for a few minutes, it was embarrassing.
Hopefully from up here your INTERNET CONNECTION should be a lot better. You were able to receive messages on the way up here, so it should be stable enough to be able to at least hold a conversation now.
You could also install the SERVER of SBURB and attempt to connect to John's CLIENT version as quickly as possible.
These people are still bothering you.
You arrive at the OBSERVATORY.
It is messy as always - your MOM never bothers cleaning up after her ALCHEMY practice. Why doesn't she realize that it's all fake?
You will answer these messages once you get to the top.
Someone seems to be pestering you.
"Rose: Ascend stairs."
You step up a few steps and walk across a short hallway. The corridor has a sharp turn to the left.
This is where the real stair climb begins.
The door opens.
Huh? No, it's easy! Well, maybe not if you've never done it before.
Your MOM likes to keep the OBSERVATORY hidden, so she hides the keyhole from view.
You squirm around for a few seconds and finally get the string figure in place.
For the first few weeks after your EPOCH OF TRANSMUTATION, using your sylladex was a nuisance. But you've adjusted to it nicely.
"Rose: Retrieve key."
"Rose: Go to the observatory!"
You scamper up the stairs to use the key.
It's always exciting when you get to go to the observatory; you get to see what shenanigans your MOM has gotten up to recently.
You CAPTCHALOGUE it.
You got the OBSERVATORY KEY!
"[S] Rose: Strife!!!"
You ask her nicely for the key - you tell her that you need it for something VERY IMPORTANT.
She gives you a blank stare.
You know what this means...
You greet your MOM at the bottom of the stairs. And by greet, you mean sheepishly try to get her attention. She's too busy cleaning that stupid--uh, you mean lovely statue.
"Rose: Descend stairs."
You walk down the stairs.
You're getting nervous. Your MOTHER is very protective of her OBSERVATORY, and...you aren't sure that merely asking nicely will do the trick.
A nasty confrontation with your MOTHER is potentially fatal.
"Rose: No time to dick around here; head straight for he observatory. It's the highest point in the house, it HAS to have a stronger internet connection."
Yes! This is where you need to g--
It's locked. As usual.
The OBSERVATORY is where your MOTHER conducts all of her stupid ALCHEMY EXPERIMENTS. She likes to keep it away from prying eyes, so she keeps the door locked at all times.
If you ask nicely, she miiiiight give you the KEY.
"Rose: Examine blasphemous statues."
Look at this...
Your MOM is obsessed with this TENTACLE BULLSHIT. She's fascinated with ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS like this. They're plastered all over the house. She has been trying desperately for you to take an interest in the subject, and you sort of were up until a few months ago. Now, you couldn't care less.
You resist the urge to knock it off its poncy pedestal.
You exit your room.
"Rose: Explore house."
"Rose: That yarn is ruined. If you go to fetch it you might get distracted and start soaking up water and you don't have time for that."
You're right! John needs your help, you can't keep messing around with yarn all day, as much as you'd like to.
The BALL OF YARN is ejected from your SYLLADEX...
...And lands in the bucket of stagnant water.
"Rose: Retrieve ball of yarn."
You decide to retrieve the BALL OF YARN. Your SYLLADEX ejects a small hoop of glowing, elasticated string.
To retrieve the BALL OF YARN, you will need to manipulate the string into the design shown by your SYLLADEX.
This should be a piece of cake. This doesn't even really count as a STRING FIGURE, it's just...holding the string. It makes sense - an easy string figure to eject...well, some string.
"Rose: Captchalogue laptop."
You're going to need this.
"Rose: Captchalogue Squiddle."
Using your STRING FIGURE FETCH MODUS, you stow away the SQUIDDLE.
You already have a couple of other items in your SYLLADEX, too.
"Rose: Examine damaged squiddle."
You spy on the little purple fellow on the TABLE.
You were sent these SQUIDDLES by your friend JADE. You and her were once big fans of the TV show where these SQUIDDLES were from, but you aren't interested in it much anymore. When you get bored you like to rip them up and then sew them back together again.
Over time the damage has shown itself, though.
"Rose: Examine buckets."
These two buckets are filled with WATER and PLANT FOOD. You like to dunk your vines in it to absorb the FOOD.
You gain nothing from it, just like how you gain nothing from eating normal food. POST-TRANSMUTATION people don't need food to survive. You eat anyway because it's fun, and it tastes nice.
You don't feel like waiting hours to absorb shitty plant food right now though. You gotta help John!
You are now Rose again.
...What were you doing?
Oh, that's right, you're trying to find HIGHER GROUND to see if you can establish an INTERNET CONNECTION.
AG: What the heck kind of name is that?
EB: well, what is your name, arachnidsgrip?
AG: I am NOT telling you that!
AG: When I finally do tell you, you call it stupid!
AG: Fuck you, John.
AG: Oh, right.
AG: Never mind.
AG: Your poster is cool, that is all I have to say.
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --
EB: you're a troll, right?
AG: Well.......yeah, I suppose?
AG: I mean, sort of?
EB: then get lost! i don't need your nonsense today.
AG: Hey!!!!!!!! I was just admiring your poster. It reminds me a lot of myself.
AG: That is a veeeeeeeery nice poster, you have there, John.
"John: Put up poster."
You decide to use some of the CAKE to stick the poster to your wall. That stuff sure is versatile.
You resist the urge to lick the stuff off the wall. That would be creepy.
It looks like someone is trying to pester you. Hopefully Rose is back!
Oh, sweet! It's a Terminator 2 poster. Your opinion on the movie itself is pretty lukewarm, but you appreciate the gesture and you always love a nice new poster for your wall.
Yeah, whatever. Bullshit.
You decide to kill some time and examine the poster that you've left on your dresser, as well as read the note that you got with it. Both are from your DAD.
"Go back to John."
Jeez, you are pretty bored.
Well, you're trying to act bored. It's getting pretty late and your father is going to force you to go get TRANSMUTATED soon. That thought is pretty terrifying.
Rose better hurry up.
"Rose: Retrieve tendrils."
They're right here! Can't you see them?
But you don't have time for this nonsense.
"Rose: Examine Room."
Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without INTERNET CONNECTION, and currently need to seek HIGHER GROUND in order to be able to salvage a better INTERNET CONNECTION. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for WRITING STORIES and are SOMEWHAT OBSESSIVE ABOUT IT. You have been trying to take an interest in the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, but you aren't sure if it's your thing, and also sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You like to KNIT a lot, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS with your KNITTING PROJECTS, WATERLOGGED RUG, and OVERGROWN IVY covering the floor. Also, on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.
What will you do?
"One more time."
Yes, that's more like it.
Hey now! That isn't funny.
"John: Be TT."
A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to the location of her home, as well as a violent storm, she has lost her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was about to play with a young man. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...
It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?
What the fuck is this.
"John: Chat with TT."
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:25 --
EB: i got the beta!
TT: Brilliant! Well done, John.
TT: So do you want to play it with me?
EB: sure! that's what i was about to ask you.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:26 --
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:26 --
EB: what happened?
TT: My internet cut off for a second. You know how my internet is here. 3:
EB: oh. yeah.
EB: that won't be a problem while we play this game, right?
TT: I think it will be! I'm not too sure what to do about it though.
TT: Tell you what, while we both install this game, I'll see if I can get to a place with better internet connection!
TT: Alright then, see you in a second! :3
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 --
There she is!
Wait for it...
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:15 --
GG: answer me now!!
GG: UGH i just KNOW you arent even here right now. why did i even bother!!
GG: stupid runt.
GG: and now youve made me really angry...
-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum! --
GG: john! hey, there you are! :D
GG: how are you?
EB: i'm ok, i'm pretty worn out.
GG: so have you managed to avoid your dad?
EB: yeah, duh!
EB: it's hard work though. i think i almost killed him earlier...
GG: oh noo! what happened? :(
EB: well i got that fetch modus you sent me.
GG: oh... yes i remember that...
EB: and...well, you could have told me it launched things so quickly!
EB: i got into a strife with my dad and i don't think i had adjusted to the way my sylladex now launches stuff.
EB: stuff just jumps out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel now.
EB: so when he was about to forcefeed me more of that fucking cake, i captchalogued it instead, and forced a really heavy book out of my sylladex and it hit him in the head!
GG: oh no! john thats awful! is he ok?
EB: yeah, he's fine. he started moving again.
GG: and that's the only way you checked to see if he's fine? you waited around for him to fidget a bit? >:l
EB: i couldn't really wait around! he's after me, you know.
GG: that is true...
GG: well john, dont worry. i think you are going to be fine now you have the beta!
EB: you do?
EB: well...ok then.
EB: so with this game...do i just install it or what?
GG: yes but you will need someone to play it with.
EB: ms. happy cat said she wanted to play the game with us. should i ask her to play it with me?
GG: i think she is your only option. the feathery asshole is always busy with god knows what and i dont even have the game.
EB: alright then.
EB: i'll go install this thing now.
GG: ok john! i cant wait to see you soon! :D
EB: bye jade!
EB: ...wait, what?
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:23 --
"John: Return to computer."
...Didn't this thing spontaneously shut off when you tried to run that shitty program?
Oh well, you've seen weirder stuff in your life.
This doesn't really count as a fort but you do not give a fuck right now.
You return to the safety of your room.
"John: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!"
...Dad? Are you okay?
You cautiously poke him a few times.
You take the BETA along with the RED PACKAGE.
You won't be going back to your room just yet though.
...Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.
It looks like the beta is here! Along with some other stuff.
Your DAD is guarding it. You suppose there's only one way to steal it from him...
You enter the KITCHEN.
Yes, yes, you're about to go and do that...
What a funny dream.
Well, at least your DAD didn't find out you were asleep here, and your headache is gone!
"[S] John: Dream."
You can't be bothered to go all the way upstairs again, so you decide the SOFA is a good enough place to take a nap.
The SOFA...with the creepy DOLL on it...in the room that's connected to the KITCHEN...where your DAD is...
...Well, you suppose the loud racket your DAD makes every time he's about to exit the kitchen should be loud enough to wake you up, right?
Ack, you knew you shouldn't have eaten that cake. Your headache worsens dramatically.
You could do with a rest; you're in no condition to face your DAD right now.
"John: TO THE KITCHEN!"
You feel a bit dizzy and nauseous...
This always happens after you eat sugary food. It's what happens often when kids eat sugary food.
It's only ever TEMPORARY though, and considering you didn't even eat that much, it should go away soon.
Apparently, post-TRANSMUTATION, people no longer feel dizzy after eating dessert-y food? You're sure that's just a myth, and it certainly isn't going to persuade you to give yourself in. It isn't going to stop you from eating CAKE either, that stuff is delicious.
"John: Read book."
The card with the NAILS is also the only card you can access right now, too.
You have a final look through your MAGIC CHEST for a last-minute stock up.
Since you only have one card left you just take COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY - your favourite joke (and prank) book. You'd take the STUNT SWORD too but you're out of cards and you're pretty sure it's useless as it's BLUNT AND FAKE.
Now if you try to CAPTCHALOGUE anything else, the NAILS will fall out.
You know where the BETA is! If it isn't in the mailbox, or in the car, it must be on the table in the KITCHEN along with a load of other JUNK YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT.
"John: Run "FUCK FUCK FUCK.^CAKE"."
On your desktop, there are various UNFINISHED PROGRAMS littering it. You do like to try and PROGRAM THINGS but you're really terrible at it and your programs tend to just make your COMPUTER crash.
Nobody is online right now. They must be busy, you guess.
"John: Is Jade on?"
Oh, that's right! Your friend JADE who got you the new FETCH MODUS might be online. You haven't spoken to her today, yet.
Then again, you aren't really sure if you want to. She can be ok sometimes, but a lot of the time she's just really bossy and rude.
You could do with a snack. Well, if an entire cake counts as just a snack.
You don't really have a knife or anything to cut the cake with so you just sort of try and pick pieces of it up.
You aren't very good at this, but at least it's food. Nice sugary food.
"John: Abandon all hope."
"John: Get away and run to room."
You scamper back to your room after startling your DAD with your weapon.
Your DAD returns to the kitchen instead of deciding to chase you. It looks like he hasn't quite reached his wit's end yet.
You already have a hammer.
"John: Run like hell."
Well you weren't really flailing around in the first place, but you decide to listen for your DAD anyway.
You can hear him messing around in the KITCHEN.
You return to the (slightly) warm(er) abode that is your home.
"John: Venture back inside."
You forcefully tug at both the driver's door and the passenger's door. They're definitely locked.
You would smash the car window to get in but your dad would kill you for doing that. And plus you don't really give a shit about whatever is in that package right now.
Nothing in here but a GREEN PACKAGE. The fact that your birthday presents are color-coordinated probably means that this is from your friend JADE, the same one who gave you your new FETCH MODUS.
...You see something that looks like another NOTE underneath the package. What is with her and notes today? And did your dad leave this in the car by accident or did she somehow magically appearify this here too?
It doesn't really matter - you don't have the car keys so you can't retrieve the package anyway. You decide to forget about it for now.
"[S] John: Look around for danger."
You cautiously look all around you. Nobody is present. Then again, nobody ever is. It is always too cold to be outside, and never warm enough to go out unless the consequences are dire.
The stagnant clouds above your head mock you - for if only they were to rain, then ardent sunlight would envelope the earth once more. The sunlight you've only ever seen in books.
You've never even seen the bright azure skies or the sun itself. Every day of your life, you've seen nothing but grey clouds choke the sky, and felt no warm sunlight on your skin - only harsh winds that snake around the neighborhood homes.
... You have a feeling that today is going to be a very long day.
You aren't really sure what this just did. You think now you can only access the card on the bottom now?? Well, at least this frees up another card seeing as the QUEUE MODUS CARD isn't actually in your SYLLADEX anymore.
...Why was this so important!? This seems maybe even more convoluted than your old fetch modus!
"John: Active FIFO modus."
To activate the...FIFO...queue...thing modus, you assume you need to captchalogue it, so you go ahead and do that, along with the note.
This forces the MUSHED-UP CAKE out of your SYLLADEX. It rather uneventfully drops in front of you.
...A sudden urge to destroy and/or eat the note fills you all of a sudden, but you ignore it.
You aren't really sure how this thing works - there aren't instructions or anything like that. All your friend gave you was the modus and the note.
The modus card says 'queue' and 'FIFO' on it, but you can't really interpret much from that.
You guess FIFO means 'First In, First Out'? You guess there's only one way to find out.
"John: Read note from friend."
you silly dumb, you! you threw out your data structures book didnt you?
you need the free little fetch modus in the back of it!! i know you do!! so now i have to give you mine!!!!!!!!!
...it doesnt matter since this one sucks and is really boring anyway so you can have it. i have all of my fun ones!
...She is as rude as usual. It wasn't even you who threw your books out!
A fetch modus, along with a note from your friend. Maybe this is her present to you? You expected it to come in a package, not just by itself...without an address...
Wait, how did this even <i>get here</i>?
"John: Take remaining mail."
What do we have here...
Wait a minute...
What's that? Right at the back? It looks like something your dad has forgotten.
"John: Make a mad run for the beta."
There's no need to rush - your dad is preoccupied in the kitchen so you think you can take your time on this.
You make your way to the mailbox and peek inside. It looks empty - your dad has the mail. Damnit.
A strong breeze blows the bow off your head. It was a silly bow and it was a dumb idea to put it on your head so you don't really care that much.
The weather is frighteningly cold, and very windy. You're a bit chilly.
"John: Go outside."
You exit your home through the front door.
Right! You need to go and check the mail.
You suddenly remember that your friends should have sent you BIRTHDAY PRESENTS in the form of colored PACKAGES which should also be in the mail. But you don't really care about that right now, their presents can come later. The game is of top priority right now!
You can't start a fire because you don't have anything to start a fire with! This fireplace hasn't been used for ages. There hasn't even been any wood under that fire for as long as you can remember.
Warm temperatures are not something known to you, after all.
You don't want to go too close to the kitchen because your dad is in there. Going too close to the door could catch his attention. You're surprised that he didn't even notice you mutilating that doll a few seconds ago.
He must be pretty preoccupied in there.
"John: Captchalogue smoke pellets."
You reckon these could be useful at a later time, so you re-captchalogue them.
It looks like you accidentally knocked them underneath the wrapping paper when you assaulted the doll.
...You really need to clean up this mess before your dad finds out.
This definitely makes the doll at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.
You pick up the arms, and...
You leave the arms on the floor, and carefully spread the frosting around on the doll a bit.
Hmm... You have an idea.
You prop the doll up on your sofa. Unfortunately, gravity pulls the cake down a bit, showing the doll's face again, so you just captchalogue the cake seeing as it serves no purpose anymore, leaving behind the sticky frosting.
You also captchalogue the nails which were embedded in its head.
"John: Throw the cake!"
You aim the cake straight at its head, but your aim falls short a bit and it ends up sort of hitting where its neck would be.
Its face is now almost completely covered in cake, which is good because now you can't see it.
"John: Go get something better."
No way, you aren't going back to your room. You have everything you need, you're sure of it.
...Well, these arms are pretty useless actually.
You scratch its face off with the nails. Its menacing grin was starting to get on your nerves.
"John: Attack using nails."
These sharp nails should actually do some damage.
You retrieve and launch the first thing in your SYLLADEX, the SMOKE PELLETS, at the foolhardy foe.
This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.
You would use something more effective but your FETCH MODUS sort of sucks apparently.
"John: Aggress the evil doll!"
This is a portrait of your NANNA, and underneath it, her ashes.
She was the one who chose your DAD's transmutation design, like how all parents choose their childrens' transmuation designs. Sadly, she died before you were even born. A tall bookshelf, a ladder, an unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S. That's all your father ever says about it.
...You never really got what her transmutation was supposed to be, but that's probably because the only picture of her you've seen is this portrait. What are those banana things coming out of her head? And why is her skin grey? What's that red thing on her forehead, and what is that yellow bar going through her torso? Just what is the theme of her transmutation?
You guess her parents are the only ones who really know that. But they're probably dead now, so who cares.
This time you calmly step around the doll.
It's just a doll, after all.
You can hear your DAD busy in the kitchen from where you are now. You should be ok to quickly go outside and check the mail.
You decide to check through the things in your MAGIC CHEST again to fill up the final space in your sylladex. Since you already have the hammer and nails to use offensively, you decide to balance out your inventory by stocking some SMOKE PELLETS, which could be used defensively.
You guess you should take the NAILS since they're doing nothing just lying on your floor, and they could come in handy. You CAPTCHALOGUE them.
You only have one free card now. You don't want to be wasting time sorting it out and ejecting stuff out of it. You have no idea how stuff even gets ejected from it, which is more the reason why you don't want to mess around with it.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:25 --
EB: oh, hey.
TT: Hello John! Happy birthday! How has your day been?
EB: ugh, it's been awful! thank you for asking.
TT: Oh yes, Mr. Birdbrain mentioned to me a few seconds ago how you've been trying to avoid your father all day because you don't want to be transmutated.
EB: wow, he told you already?
TT: Tehehe, yes! You know how he's always relaying useful information to one another.
TT: I guess you could say he's sort of like a messenger pigeon. :3
EB: haha, i guess so.
EB: anyway, i need some advice, if you don't mind.
TT: Go ahead!
EB: ok, i really need to go and get something that's either in the mailbox or the kitchen right now, but i don't want to encounter my dad.
EB: i can't go in the kitchen right now since my dad is in there, and i can't go outside either since...well if my dad spots me out there then he's going to assume i'm trying to run away or something!
EB: what do i do?
TT: Weeeeell, you could always just give it up and stop being a scaredy cat and just go get transmutated already! It's really not that bad.
TT: Do I seem like a horrible monster to you, John?
EB: well, yes.
EB: no offense! it's just that...
EB: you're just really different to how you used to be.
EB: you used to act really cold and distant but also really mysterious and knowledgeable.
EB: and that was the you that i was friends with all these years. the one that i had formed a really strong bond with. the one that was my best friend!
EB: but now you're just some hyperactive psychotically happy cat thing!
EB: the friends that i had for years had just suddenly vanished in december and now i just have some monsters for friends.
EB: sure you're all the same people with the same memories, but you're just not the same anymore.
EB: uh...no offense! oh wow, haha, that looks really sappy now i read it back to myself.
TT: Aww, that is so sad, John.
TT: Oh, not in that way! I mean it is very...sad.
TT: You sound really upset, John. Do you want to talk about it?
EB: no! that's ok...um.
EB: i think i am going to go and get the thing from my dad now.
TT: Ok then.
TT: Wait, as some actual advice...
TT: Maybe you could learn to weaponize your sylladex?
EB: oh, i think i've heard of that before.
EB: isn't it when you fill up your sylladex with a bunch of useless crap and then captchlogue some more useless crap so all the other crap get launched out of your sylladex?
TT: Yes, something like that! Maybe you should stock up on stuff before you confront your father and fight him with your sylladex? As well as your newly-allocated strife specibus?
EB: wait, did that feathery asshole tell you that too? how does he even know i allocated it.
TT: You know he has this way of knowing things! :3
EB: um...i guess so?
TT: Just like I know that the thing you want is the beta game I've been wanting to play with us four!
EB: yeah! how did you know? did he tell you that too?
TT: I have a reliable source of information. :3
EB: um, ok then.
EB: see you in a few minutes then.
EB: or not.
TT: Bye John!
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:30 --
It seems one of your friends has contacted you first.
You made it back to your room.
But you know that once your dad is sick of trying to lure you out of your room using cakes, he's going to drag you out. You better think of a way to get that game, and fast.
A friend of yours mentioned that this game is the key to your escape from transmutation. You aren't really sure how that works, but you're willing to believe and do anything to get away from this.
"John: Give the harlequin doll a begrudging hug. Your father obviously busted a gut to get this for you, so be grateful."
Oh god no.
This was really not the thing you wanted to see today.
"John: Open the box."
Your presents are for after your transmutation, but this one is just lying in the middle of your living room just begging to be opened. Surely you can open just this one, especially since your dad is distracted and busy in the kitchen right now...
...And make your way downstairs.
You exit your room...
Ugh, there's no way you want to see him! You're going to avoid him at all costs.
You're safe in your room - your dad doesn't have the heart to capture and and drag you out of your own room. But you think his patience is wearing thin, so he will probably resort to that soon.
Well, here you go.
...And ALLOCATE it to the STRIFE SPECIBUS.
The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.
You decide to choose your HAMMER, since it's right at your feet. You captchalogue it...
You look at your STRIFE DECK, and mull over what to use as a weapon by looking at all of the choices on the back.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --
TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today
EB: actually, i haven't opened any of my presents yet. my dad says that they're a reward for after i get transmutated.
EB: but fuck that!
EB: the entire fucking process takes four days! and then it will not even be my birthday anymore.
TG: but its worth it
EB: no way!!
TG: what makes you think that
EB: uh, isn't it obvious!
EB: you get turned into some gross undead monster thing!
EB: what's so great about that?
TG: because you look awesome
TG: and you can never die under most normal circumstances including old age
TG: though i heard they off you once you get too old so its not like it matters
EB: i'm still waiting for the beta
TG: you still havent got it yet??
EB: nope. i think it might be in the mail now, but i really don't want to go downstairs to check since my dad will be looking for me.
EB: i've been hiding in my room all day because i don't want my dad to catch me and take me somewhere to essentially get killed!
EB: arg, what do i do? do i set my strife specibus thing, so i can fight him if i do encounter him?
TG: you can do that if you want
TG: but theres nothing to change fate dude
TG: just accept that youre gonna get turned into an awesome looking freak of nature
EB: i am going to go get the beta, and hopefully try to avoid my dad.
EB: but if i get caught then...i guess it's it.
TG: i wish you good luck dude
TG: hopefully your dad will find you
TG: so i guess in your case
TG: it's bad luck
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:16 --
You aren't looking forward to this conversation at all.
"John: Go downstairs."
You guess the only way you're going to get that mail is to go downstairs, and try your best to avoid your dad, assuming he hasn't gotten it already.
You decide to captchalogue the fake arms, since they are on your mind.
You rifle through your various belongings in your MAGIC CHEST.
In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.
You are neither of these things.
Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS, ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.
Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point.
"John: Look through magic chest."
You CAPTCHALOGUE the cake that is sitting on top of your MAGIC CHEST first, using up the first card in your SYLLADEX.
This SYLLADEX and its STACK MODUS is the only one of your birthday presents you've received so far, but you don't really consider it a present, it's a useless piece of shit really. You don't even know if you're using it properly, but that's probably due to the fact that this is the first time you have ever used it.
...Nope, your DAD is home already. Shit.
He went out to get more baking supplies. He's probably using the cakes he's making to tempt you downstairs, and even planted a few in your room as a sort of bait. But you aren't falling for that.
"John: Check mailbox."
The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!
What the hell is that thing called anyway. You really do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means something you've been waiting for three days is finally here! The beta of a game. Hopefully you'll be able to play it today.
You would go downstairs to actually check your mail, but you really do not want to encounter your dad today. Maybe you can quickly run downstairs and get the mail before he gets back...
And then of course, there's your garden. With its tire swing hanging from the tree like a proper gentleman with a monocle.
The sky is dark and dreary, as it always is.
"John: Look out window."
"John: Retrieve arms."
1..2...You still have both of your arms - they are already here!
Unless you're talking about the fake arms which are currently in your MAGIC CHEST.
Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY and also, as well as every other person's thirteenth birthday, it is the day of your EPOCH OF TRANSMUTATION, though you DON'T REALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.
What will you do?
Now really isn't the time for nonsense!
A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday, and, as with everyone elses' thirteenth birthday, is also his epoch of transmutation. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today it will be taken away from him.
What will the name of this young man be?