Adventure: Begin

Hey, all. Full confession: I'm not an artist. I'm barely even a writer, and I'm definitely no musician, nor programmer. That being said, I just wanted to make this, y'know? I'll tell you know that I'll most likely end up leaving this thing to rot after about ten pages, but I'll have fun in the meantime. Just don't expect, y'know... GIFs, music, or flashes. 'Cause I don't know how to do any of those. (Yes, I'm young.) Basically, I had this fun idea about Homestuck protagonists that were entirely competent. Like, not just occasionally, but always. Would that be fun, or OP? I dunno. Would that be a relief, or tiring? I still dunno. I haven't planned out this story, so let's see where our little band of Mary Sues goes, shall we?

Panel #1
A young man stands in his lavishly large and bulbously brobdingnagian bedroom. It just so happens that today, Thanksgiving, marks the date of his 300th black eye in twice as many weeks! Though it was two hours ago this grievous wound was inflicted, it is only today he will be revealing the inevitably dark and tragic backstory that resulted in said wound!

...But first this sad sack of radishes needs a name.

What will the name of this young man be?