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Homestuck: Rewritten (Passive-aggressively/just aggressively)

Panel #1
A young cunt stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young cunt's day of birthing. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given his sad existence, it is only today he will be given a fuckin name!

What will the name of this shithead be?