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Panel #1
Your name is SAM. You have a plethora of INTERESTS, including MASSIVE MONSTER DICK. You have been known to HUNT for such HUGE PORK SWORDS on the weekends, and in fact EVERY DAY OF THE GODDAMN WEEK. You have a fondness for FLESH EATING BACTERIA, which you CULTIVATE on the rim of your ANUS, except when its raining too hard. When it's raining too hard, you use the TIP OF YOUR DICK.